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Does he love me? - How to know if it's love or something else

Love vs. passion and liking

Love is a profound feeling that develops over time. Liking and passion can develop almost instantly, but can disappear just as quickly. Before you ask if he loves you or not, make sure you know what your own definition of love is.

Maybe you've come at a point in your relationship where it makes sense to ask:
"Does he love me?" I'm assuming you've been dating for at least a couple
months by now, although longer would preferrable, since love takes more than
60 days to develop.

Before we go through the signals that he loves you, let's make sure we
understand a couple of things.

Why do you want to know if he loves you?

Most people want to feel reassured that the other person loves them because
they do not want to be left for someone else. Others want to find out how
close the guy is to proposing marriage, while others just want to make sure
that the feeling is mutual. These are all valid reasons. And I'm hoping that
if you are looking to find out whether he loves you or not, you are at least
over 18 years of age. Why?

Last month I met a 14 year old girl who was desperate to know whether her
boyfriend loved her or not. She had googled everything on the subject and was
now more confused than ever. All the information written on this subject was
meant for older people. Some of the articles that she had read included things
such as sexual chemistry, does he open himself up to you?, does he take you
home to meet his parents? and other similar things.

Needless to say, she didn't have much foundation to answer all those sort of
questions, so she couldn't tell whether he loved her or not. A week after all
this confusion she tried to kill herself because the uncertainty was killing
her and she was sure he was cheating on her with her best friend.

What is love? (Baby don't hurt me...)

"Why, Why, why do you even have to tell me what love is?!", you may be asking
yourself. After all, love is an emotion that we all feel, so we really don't
need a definition for it. Why, then, is this section even here?

I know someone who goes to sleep at night after every first date wondering
whether he loves her or not. After the FIRST DATE!! Our conversations after
her first dates go something like this:

"So, do you think he loves me?", she asks.

"No, he doesn't love you", I say.

"How do you know?! You weren't there! He was so nice and tender", she replies.

"I know because it is humanly impossible to love someone you have known for
only two hours..."

I wish she was the only person in the world that thought this way. Sadly, many
people, men as well women, think love is an instant emotion that sparks at
first sight like in movies. Nothing further from the truth. True love takes
time to develop.

Love is defined as:


Yes, love is profound. It is deep. It is very different from liking and very
different from passion. Love takes time. Liking can take a few minutes.
Passion may take a few days. But liking and passion can disappear as soon as
they started, whereas love, true love, can last forever and it can overcome
truly difficult situations.

Do women live in fairy tales?

So what do you want to know?

Before your "does he love me" question can be answered, you need to determine
what you're looking for. Your definition of love will interfere with the
answer to your question.

Are you looking to find out if he truly loves you, or are you looking to find
out if your story resembles "Pride and Prejudice"?

As it turns out, most guys are not Mr. Darcy or Ryan Gossling in "The
Notebook." He will not answer your every request with "As you wish", as
Westley did in "The princess bride." He will not be or act as Hollywood

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Love will not turn him into Mr. Darcy. So don't expect your life to turn into a romantic book.

Love will not turn him into Mr. Darcy. So don't expect your life to turn into a romantic book.

So how do I know if he loves me?

Love is a very complicated emotion that every person shows in different ways.
However, there are some ways in which love is the same for all of us.

He puts your needs before his

This is called being altruistic, and the only thing that moves a person to be
altruistic is love. Men are interested in protecting the woman they love. A
man in love will do everything necessary to keep the needs of his woman met,
and to make sure she is safe, even if he isn't.

However, let's make one thing clear. He is putting your NEEDS ahead of his
own, not your every WANT. Some women get mad when their man doesn't want to do
everything she wants to do. They cry when he is not ready to meet their every
demand. This leads some women to believe their man doesn't love them.

He is constantly thinking about you

Okay, so unless you are Professor X from X-men, you can't really know what
he's thinking, but his actions will surely let you know that you're in his

He keeps in contact with you while he's at work, even if it's just a text to
let you know he's having a bad day at work.

He calls you during his break. Break time is important for every employee.
It's a time to relax and unwind. But is he's using this precious time to keep
in contact with you, even for a few minutes, he's definitely thinking about

He brings home little somethings for you. He arrives home with something you
can use for your latest project, with a picture he took of something that
reminded him of you, with a lipgloss he bought at the 99 cents store because
he thought of you when he saw it. Or he went to the market and bought a lb of
your favorite fruit. As you can see, it's the little things that show he loves
you. He doesn't have to arrive home with a diamond necklace to prove his love
for you.


Is jealousy a sign of love?

Jealousy is a sign of possessiveness, insecurity and could sometimes be a sign of attraction. However, jealousy by itself is not a sign of love, especially if it gets out of hand. In this case, the behavior is a sign of control rather than love.

Actions speak louder than words: saying I love you.

Men don't usually say I love you. They show it.

My friend was married to a man who was always saying he loved her. Always. And
every night he would go out and get drunk, and at times he even became
physically abusive towards her. And every morning he would wake up saying I
love you. He would steal money from her purse to cover his alcoholism, and
then he would say I love you.

I don't about you, but I rather my man shows me with his actions he loves me
instead of with his words.

Don't get me wrong, hearing "I love you" and receiving love poems is
wonderful, but most men are really shy to express their feelings verbally. But
their actions speak louder than words.

  • Take for example the devoted husband who warms up the car for his wife every morning before she goes to work so she won't have to wait in a cold car.
  • Or the man who fills the iPod with all her favorite songs for a road trip, even if they don't agree in music taste.
  • The man who puts the towels in the dryer so they're warm and ready when his woman comes out of the shower during wintertime.

There's a bunch of little things that men do to show their love. But if you're
not paying attention, you can miss them.

He accepts you for who you are

He sees your faults and imperfections and is not trying to change you. Love is not blind. Love is seeing you for who you are and still loving you. A man who loves his woman will never compare her to anyone else.

He respects you

I really shouldn't have to include this one here, because it should be a no
brainer that a man who loves you should respect you. But some women with low
self-esteem need to be reminded that love and respect go hand in hand. That
means that your man:

  • doesn't flirt with other women
  • doesn't abuse you physically, emotionally or sexually
  • takes your opinion seriously
  • doesn't think you inferior to him
  • treats you as a person

If he doesn't respect you, stop the relationship before it gets any farther.

Love should make you happy. If you're always doubting whether he loves you or not, there's something wrong in the relationship, it could be you, it could be him. Make sure you find out before things get any more serious and someone ends up hurting.


Silver Q (author) on March 07, 2014:

Hi grand old lady:

Thank you so much for your very kind words and for sharing the link!!!

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on March 07, 2014:

Great advice. I'm sending the link to my daughter and also clicking the Like button on Facebook. I think every young woman should read this.

Silver Q (author) on February 18, 2014:

Thank you, headshrinker!

headshrinker from Western Massachusetts on February 16, 2014:

Interesting article Silver Q, I would have to say I agree with quite a bit of what you said. Written in a way that was relateable to most folks. Thanks.

B.Mccoullum from Fort Wayne on November 29, 2013:

A fart can define love. If he can go through it, smell it and laugh, it is love but with that profound respect for gas, comes respect. If a person does not respect you it is impossible to say they love you.

GamerGurl on November 27, 2013:

This makes me think even more that my Husband doesn't love me. He has blown through 30G of my money keeps fighting me on paying it back, yells at me in the morning giving me hateful looks (for example) because I forgot to put my clothes in the laundry-room the night before. And not to be inappropriate but he hasn't willingly sexually pleased me in the past three years because he's not in the mood. I'm not sure if in psychology sex is a want or need, but to me it is a need and this shows him putting himself before me. I was with him over a year before we got married and thought the man he was before we got married was the man I was Marrying, yet as soon as we got married he went from being a coolheaded realistic person, to being this angry person all the time, from independent to dependent, from sexual (2-3 times a day whenever possible) to NEVER wanting to have sex. I just find it all hard to wrap my brain around.

Silver Q (author) on November 12, 2013:

Hi April garner:

Your husband buying you socks for yoga is adorable. It shows that he's really thinking about you. That's exactly what I had in mind when I wrote about actions speaking louder than words. Thank you for sharing that, as well as for reading and commenting!

April Garner from Austin, Texas on November 12, 2013:

I really liked your bit about actions speaking louder than words - so true. Growing up, I had boyfriends who wrote poems, bought dozens of roses and even one who tore up his fingers blowing up and tying a billion tiny balloons to fill my bedroom. At the time, I loved it. Now, though, I don't need grand romantic gestures. It meant the world to me that my husband bought me yoga socks to keep my toes toasty during workouts. It's sweet, because he knows what I like, he thinks of me, and he wants to make me happy.

Silver Q (author) on November 11, 2013:

Hi Beezkneez:

Thank you for reading!

Silver Q (author) on November 11, 2013:

Hi EuroCafeAuLait:

Yes, respect should be the basis of every relationship. I like the analogy you made for it! Thanks for sharing, reading and commenting!

BEEZKNEEZ on November 11, 2013:

This hub was very helpful. Voted up!

Anastasia Kingsley from Croatia, Europe on November 10, 2013:

I really enjoyed this hub, filled with basic information in a kindly, but hard to miss way. Well done. I also heard that respect in a relationship is like the depth of the ocean while the waves rippling on its surface are feelings of love, infatuation, and so on. If there is no respect, the relationship is on shaky ground. Voted UP!

Silver Q (author) on November 08, 2013:

Hi oldiesmusic:

Thank you so much for that heartfelt comment. I am so glad that you have found the love that so many people are still looking for. Best wishes for you and your man!

Thanks for reading!

oldiesmusic from United States on November 08, 2013:

I'd often say that I'm an inferior, but my man says otherwise. I confessed to him that I didn't finish college, and also of my unhappy, abuse-filled childhood. He said having not been able to finish college doesn't matter to him (he's a college grad and was a scholar), and in fact he has told me that I've been doing better in life than he has. He accepts me despite my past. He's not perfect, he makes mistakes, but he's never abusive and doesn't take advantage of my weakness and love to him.

He also says "I love you" while he carries his love for me through his actions (most of the time). I love the best of both worlds, so to speak.

I found myself in tears while reading this hub. It reminds me of my love, and I realize I'm quite lucky. We've known each other for almost eight years. :)

Great hub, my friend :)

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