Today, as I was walking to school, I was listening to a podcast, about how to work on self-love, and how the absence of that can affect relationships, whether we're talking about friendships or romantic relationships. Relationships in general. What really fascinated me, and made me think, was the idea of being blindly in love, and truly loving someone, to the point that the idea of them ever disappearing from your life makes you sick. This is what led me to this topic, or idea, about soulmates. Do they really exist, or is it just a tale, that we're reassuring ourselves with, saying that a person, someday, somewhere in the world is going to be just perfect for us. We're gonna have little, to no differences, they are going to read our minds, and it's just going to be perfect, from beginning, until the Earth exists. Is there a soulmate out there for everyone, or do you need to be lucky to find yours? Is there even a chance, for you to find yours? What if your soulmate is on the other side of the world, or on another continent? What if you just don't realize, that someone is your soulmate, and the opportunity to be truly happy slips right out of your hands? As you're probably thinking right now, the answers are not going to be just 'yes' or 'no', and there isn't a black or white answer to everything. Life might surprise you in many ways.
What is even a soulmate?(According to science)
"A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust."
As you can see, the definition involves a lot of things, feelings, activities, and in order for you to have a soulmate of any sort, you don't need to have all of them with the exact same person. Obviously, when you have a best friend, you're probably not going to have any sexual activities with them(but if that happens, and it's okay for both of you that can be amazing!), or romance, but you can be soulmates, and feel like the other person is just the perfect friend for you, and you click so well, and you can't imagine your life without them, and you may also feel like they are your family. The thing is though, that you meeting with someone, and right from the beginning feeling like this, rarely happens. It is very fortunate when it does, but let's be real, you encountering with someone, who you don't have to make any compromises with, is almost impossible, and (correct me if I'm wrong) when you never argue with that person, and it may seem perfect, probably one participant is not being open and honest enough, about the things that may bother them, and as we know, bottling up our feelings, is just gonna come out one way or another.
"In current usage, "soulmate" usually refers to a romantic or platonic partner, with the implication of an exclusive lifelong bond. It commonly holds the connotation of being the strongest bond with another person that one can achieve. It is commonly accepted that one will feel 'complete' once they have found their soulmate, as it is partially in the perceived definition that two souls are meant to unite."
This doesn't at all mean, that someone can not be complete without a partner. You can be the happiest person, surrounded by your loving friends and family, and that partner will find you when it is the right time for both of you. I always thought, that having a strong belief in the Universe, or whatever might be that you believe in(religious, spiritual, or simply believing in yourself), is really beautiful, and peaceful in the sense that you know, that everything you need, and everything that will make you happy will come your way, and it's going to find you, sooner or later. Every time, when I got disappointed in the past, or when I felt like everyone was having the time of their lives, and I just didn't, I had to realize, and understand, that maybe this is not the right time for me to have a relationship, or maybe I just need to learn something, so that I can move on, and not make the same mistake again. Obviously, it is extremely hard to completely surrender to anything really, and not feel like you need to control absolutely everything in your life, but it is worth it believe me. Realizing, and accepting, that the things happening to you, are probably part of a bigger picture, and that for some reason you might not know yet(!), they had to happen(or not), is going to save you from a lot of self-hate, doubts, and sadness.
I try to believe the same thing, about love, and relationships. There is no reason for you to rush anything, no need to make decisions you might regret later. Just accept, that even though you really want something at this very moment, it may come to you later, when you're more prepared, or experienced, and you can appreciate it a lot more. When I think about my experiences with relationships, or friendships in the past, I always make myself(it's not that easy sometimes) to think about them as lessons, so that in my life today I can be smarter about things, or I can be more grateful for them. I think all of us had bad friendships, that ended with a lot of pain, or relationships, that were just not right, and involved a lot of tears, but I am sure that those moments help you a lot nowadays. Maybe you realize red flags faster, or you don't hesitate to end things with someone who's not good for you. Anything the case may be, surrendering, and believing that everything happens for a reason, is going to be really helpful to you.
Becoming a soulmate
I firmly believe, that a soulmate can't just be someone who you've met, and from the very first second they are your perfect person. You can become soulmates with someone, and of course, that's not easy, but it is worth it.
Building a relationship with someone, solely on honesty, and pure love, is the perfect foundation for you to become soulmates. Obviously a person that reads your mind, or is the exact same as you, doesn't exist. We're all so different, and that is the most beautiful thing about it all.
Listening to everything someone says(really listening and understanding), is the most important thing. You need to pay attention to every little detail, every thought, every inch of their body, how it moves, what expressions they make. Basically you need to know that person better than you know yourself. You need to spend as much time with them as possible, make memories together, cook together, go to new places together. You need to know their favourite songs, movies, the things that make them happy, or sad, the things that might trigger them. Quality time is so important in every relationship, and if you really want to make that person, and yourself happy, you two absolutely need it.
Talking things through, even if it's really uncomfortable, or emotional, is essential also. I know that a lot of times it is extremely hard to open up to someone, but when you would do anything for them, and also for them to stay, even if it's hard, you're going to do it. Opening up about your feelings, thoughts, troubles, insecurities can be really healing to both of you. It is almost therapeutic to phrase your thoughts, and say them out loud to a person that cares for you so much, but for the other person it is so beautiful, that you trusted them enough -with your deepest feelings, and worries- to tell them.
Finding your soulmate isn't so black and white, and there is no right or wrong way to have one. Even if you feel like the person you're with now isn't your soulmate, it's totally okay, the point is that you're happy, and content with that person. Feeling like you've found yours, and then realizing it wasn't right, or they weren't actually your soulmate is also totally fine, believe me, there is a right person for you. If you've actually found yours, I'm really happy for you, and that's so amazing. Don't forget, nothing in the world is ever good or bad, and the point is always just to be happy. All of us are trying to be happy, and better than we were yesterday, so we need to respect each other, and each other's journey, because everyone is trying to do their absolute best.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2020 Lili Zoltai
Lili Zoltai (author) from Hungary on September 26, 2020:
Wow, thanks for your comment, and yes I agree, a lot of people think that it's only perfect when the other one 'reads their mind', but let's be real, we're only humans, and communication is key!
I like your quote about God being Santa Claus for some people, that's a really smart way to put it.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on September 24, 2020:
"A soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust." - Excellent definition
However the "soulmate myth" is the belief that out of the 7 Billion people who inhabit the planet (there is only ONE person) who is your "soulmate" and if you ever cross paths with him or her you are one of the "LUCKY few". They want the magic of coincidence!
Secondly the "soulmate myth" believes when you're with "the one" you don't have to "communicate" or "ask" for anything!
He/she will "instinctively" know what to do or say to please you.
Asking for and getting what you want isn't "romantic". He/she has to come up with the idea all on their own. That makes them "special".
Last but not least if you breakup or he/she dies you're doomed to live the rest of your life heartbroken and emotionally alone because none of the remaining 7 Billion people can come close to what you had.
The reality is a "soulmate" is not a "sole mate". Whatever traits you desire in a mate there are bound to be hundreds, thousands, millions, or possibly billions of people who have those traits and would be compatible with you.
Our society places more value on (scarcity) than abundance. Therefore for "soulmates" and love to be "special" for us we have to believe they are RARE otherwise we feel shallow or see others as being so if they "fall in love" multiple times.
Oddly enough even the most educated and practical person in the world secretly wants to experience some aspect of the "fairytale".
There are certain dreams we are unwilling to give up on.
Someone once said: "God is Santa Claus for adults."