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Top 10 Reasons for Staying in an Unhappy Marriage

Anamika S. Jain has been a social media consultant for six years. She has written more than 200 articles on relationships and dating.

10 Reasons for Staying in an Unhappy Marriage

10 Reasons for Staying in an Unhappy Marriage

'Life is Short, Get a Divorce'- Chicago Lawyer Billboard Advertisement

'Life is Short, Get a Divorce'- Chicago Lawyer Billboard Advertisement

Staying in unhappy Marriages

There are several couples who stay in their unhappy marriages even when they are not happy because of several reasons. A few years back a billboard proclaiming "Life's short, Get a divorce" by a Chicago Divorce Lawyers Firm caused enough of an uproar and criticism from all over the country. But the legal firm made no apologies saying that the ad isn't for everyone, but instead targets couples looking for a way out of a bad marital situation. Honestly, I see nothing wrong in people opting out of an unhappy marriage when there is no hope of salvaging the relationship. I believe that marriages are forever. At the same time, I also think that once a relationship is broken no amount of mending can make it the same again.

People’s outlook on Divorce is changing these days. One of my friends who recently got divorced celebrated her freedom by throwing a Party for friends. Apart from Divorce Parties, divorce greeting cards are also getting popular. I have personally witnessed some of my friends who were divorced from their miserable first marriages finding happiness in their second marriage. Given below are ten Reasons why people may stay glued to their unhappy marriages.

Reasons to stay in an Unhappy Relationship

Here are 10 Reasons why some people may stay in their unhappy and miserable marriages.

1) For the sake of Kids: Children are the worst sufferers when it comes to divorces. Many parents just stay in their unhappy marriages as they love their kids and would not want to cause any harm to them. But they fail to realize that quarreling and unhappy parents can do more damage to kids than good.

2) Money and Perks: Some Women stay in their marriages because of the comforts and perks they get at the husbands house. The same also applies for men who survive on their wife’s income.

3) Low Self Esteem: Some men/women have low self esteem. They are not aware of their own worth and do not realize that they can do better. Many even lose hope of ever being happy in life.

4) Do not want to be like the Parents: Several people try to make their unhappy marriage work because they do not want to be like their Parents who have a history of divorces. Since they have suffered the consequences of their Parent’s actions, they try not to make their children suffer by getting divorced.

5) Society and Religion: People getting divorced are looked down by the society and some religions. So many men and women pretend that they have a happy marriage even when they are suffering.

6) Guilt: Those who have opted for love marriages normally do not have the support of their parents when things turn sour as they themselves are blame for their own plight and bad choice of partner. So many of them try to make their relationship work or stay in their unhappy relationships to prove to themselves and their parents that they made the right choice.

7) Loneliness: Many people stay in their unhappy marriages as they are lonely and have no parents or friends to turn to. They find security in their marriage even when they are not happy.

8) Property: Some people stay together because they have accumulate wealth together (like a house or business or even a pet dog which both are attached to) and would not want to give them up for any reason.

9) Freedom to live independent lives: Some couples come to an agreement or compromise on both living life the way they wanted, but staying together under the same roof creating the impression of a happy couple to the outside World.

10) Been forced to stay together: Sometimes couples are forced to stay together because of society pressures and pressures from Parents. It is often seen that the Parents and or relatives who are more worried about their own reputation than about the unhappy couple.

Whatever the reasons, is it worth staying in an unhappy marriage? Personally, I have seen many couples trying to make their unhappy relationships work in vain. I can't imagine them of living a miserable life for so many years trying to make it work.

Why do people try so hard to make a failing relationship work when all the love is lost? Why not just leave and find the right person or try living a better life? After all, Life is too short to spend being miserable. It is better to accept it and move on.

Content Copyright © 2009 - 2012 Anamika S Jain, All Rights Reserved. This Hub may not be reproduced, distributed, modified or reposted to other websites without the express written permission of the Author.

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Preza on July 30, 2014:

"Just walk away if it doesn't make you happy anymore"

Great advice. This mentality works so well in life. Job not making you happy? Just quit. Being a parent not fun anymore? Just put the kids up for adoption. You don't just walk away if your happiness stops. Maybe you're the reason you aren't happy. You try to heal a marriage and make it better before you think about ending it. And lots of good marriages go through unhappy times. This relaxed attitude toward marriage is an infection to our society. If people feel that casual about it, they should never get married. Or they should modify their wedding vows. If you commit to be with someone in richer and poorer, good and bad, sickness and health, then you should do your best to make a marriage work.

oldiesmusic from United States on October 24, 2013:

Just walk away if it doesn't make you happy anymore, even if sometimes that thing such as a marriage gives you convenience. That's the sad truth.

rinnie25 on May 12, 2013:

Money and perks? Sorry but your article seems a little out of date or talking to the 1% ers. I have a 4 year degree as does my husband and all of our friends have at least a Bachelor's if not Master's. The only people we know who can afford divorce are those with 1 child. Otherwise, the health care cost and daycare just for 1 hour of afterschool care is over $500 a month for two kids. Healthcare & childcare, that is why people stay married.

Ruchi Urvashi from Singapore on August 04, 2012:

I think sometimes life is tough and we will try to make it better instead of committing suicide. Similarly, marriage can have difficult phases and the partners need to take steps to make it better instead of divorce. Divorce is not the solution. You take your problems in new relationships too.

Twan Nuyens on February 26, 2012:

The first reason is a big, fat mistake. Speaking from personal experience, having parents who never talk to each other and when they do only fight, is much, much worse for kids than divorcing parents.

And I am yet to meet a child of a broken home who disagrees with me on this one.

dissolutioned on February 25, 2012:

Most marriages are make do. because of financial considerations. We are not all wealthy people and the consequences of divorce or separation can mean penury for one or both. There are no easy answers! As a friend of mine said when his wedding anniversary was due "I wish I was getting married tomorrow. I wouldn't fxxking turn up

Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on January 27, 2012:

People who cheat and get married to the person they cheated with grow to realize that they do not trust each other because they are cheater and homewrecker. Funny how people cheat but do not want anyone to cheat them. You get as good as you give.

I had a friend who divorced his faithful wife and abandoned his children to marry his girlfriend. He never looked back. The first wife was torn and did not heal for many years. He was seemingly faithful to his new wife, but she confided in me that she loved him dearly but he was not sexually satisfying. So, she got a boyfriend who pleased her well. The husband and wife lived happily together for many years before he passed away. The man traded a good wife and children for a fantasy, and he was happy! Rest his soul.

nasma2020 on January 26, 2012:

to mike85611 i read everything even it was so long,if u feel that u can save ur maraige so try to make urself happy there is a lot of people don't have job or familly or nothing at least u have someone in ur life love u just be close to god its really work and pray and nobody can help u except him,don't drunk because u gonna hurt just urself and it gonna be worst,so try hard the life its not easy and hop u gonna be ok.

mike856111 on January 25, 2012:

Dear all, I'm 35 and my wife is 32. We have a 9 month old daughter. My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years now. We started cohabiting 7 months before we got married. I love my wife with all my heart, however, I have to admit that I started this relationship on a very bad note.

My wife was married when I first got to know her about 6 years ago. She did not love her husband then. She was married for 6 years and she did not want to have a kid with her ex-husband because of this. I was actually seeing someone whom I had been with for 8 years when I got to know my wife. As a result, we had an affair strictly speaking. I was seeing her for 2 months before she left the country for her hometown for a festival. We had always been frank to each other about the fact that we were also seeing others. Please bear with me as this is gonna take some time.

Well, I was not sleeping with her at that time, much as I had wanted to, but I respected the fact that she was legally someone else's wife, and that it was immoral for me to do so. She gave me the same idea that she could be flirtatious, but not promiscuous! However, this all changed after she came back a month after she left. She knew that I was seeing other people, and she made it a point to let me know that she met someone in the time that she was away and she had slept with him. The only thing that I felt at that time was that I thought wrongly of her. She was not so decent after all. What I didn't understand was why she agreed to sleep with me and continue our scandalous relationship after she told me that she'll never ever leave the guy she just met!

She agreed to sleep with me the first time we met after she came back. The guy whom she met was also married but he was very rich and influential. After we slept with each other, I did ask her if she could stop seeing the guy(it was a long distance relationship), her reply was that she will never leave the guy, but we could still see each other and that I could see other people at the same time. Yes I know it sounds pretty warped.

At that point in time, I did not give a damn as I was still seeing my ex for 8 years. I treated my wife like a lover, met her when I needed some and told her I was busy when I didn't felt like it. Another thing that I couldn't understand was why she continued.

All through our 20 months affair, she flew to and fro about 6 times, each time staying for 1 month or more. He too flew here to see her twice. Anyway, I wasn't really bothered as I knew that she was married and that she didn't take me seriously too.

At the end, she initiated a break up with a message after I stood her and her sister up from bringing them out clubbing. 3 weeks after, we met up to talk about a trivial matter. She purposely told me that she had broken up with the other guy as well. I did not know what got into me, but I asked to start seeing her again, she agreed.

By this time, my 9 year+ relationship was on the rocks. I knew my ex does not love me anymore. 2 months after I patched back with my wife, I went for a trip that was planned long ago to celebrate my ex's birthday. The trip was hell. I knew that there was no more love, but I just had to find a reason to satisfy myself.

On the very day we came back, we broke up after my ex admitted to me that she had been seeing someone else for the past 1 month or so. I guess it was love on the rebound or something like that, but I started to take notice of how committed my wife was to me. Stupidly, I proposed to her(not because I seriously wanted to marry her, but because I needed assurance.) I needed to know if she really took me seriously before committing into another relationship. She agreed.

She took about a year to put forward the idea for a divorce to her ex-husband. The divorce proceeding took about another year. After she agreed to marry me, I'm not sure how long it took for my feeling for her to change from liking her into loving her.

Despite the fact that she owned up that she engineered the patching back initially due to her wanting revenge, and that she had not officially broken up with the guy, but subsequently fell in love too, I did not question her first intent. I felt that I really wanted to be with her and whatever it started out as was inconsequential! We went back to her hometown just before we cohabited to see her parents and for wedding photos. Now, i'll talk about the bad stuff that happened! Firstly, my wife is a very vengeful person. Before I proposed and took her seriously, she was never abusive, but after that, she began to become physically violent! It started out with 2 slaps on the cheeks which escalated into 20-30 slaps at a time.

It got worse when she got drunk. She was also verbally abusive using all the worse vulgarities 1 can imagine. Another thing was that she listened to no one and was super self-opinionated. She believes whatever she infers was the truth and nothing can convince her otherwise. I have thought about not going ahead with the marriage before, but I felt that I had an obligation towards her as she was already in the midst of a divorce. Truth be told, I wasn't really financially able to get married.

Thankfully, I persevered and after we started staying together, I made about $400k in 3 years.

I kept hoping that the abuse would stop and that given time, she would become a reasonable and understanding person. However, it did not happen. To worsen the matter, my ex started coming over to my shop to hang with me and my staff(she knew all my staff and were friends with them as well.) I did not think much of it as I knew that we were only very good friends and nothing more. However, I told my wife a lie when she questioned me about who this person was(my wife is an insanely jealous person and told me that my ex was an eye-sore.?I lied to her saying that she was a friend of my staff. Well, despite her being abusive and kicking up a fuss, I only told my ex not to come after my wife gave an ultimatum that she'll personally chase her away if she ever saw her again. Just 1 month after my ex stopped coming over to hang, my wife discovered who she really was when she chanced upon an old discarded wallet under our bed that contained 2 of my ex's photos! From this day, I have never had more than a week without being abused, both mentally and physically!

To sum tings up, I kept trying to mend things, thought that with her pregnancy and our baby girl, things will become better. But it never did. Now with my daughter being 9 months old and a shitload of other stuff that happened in the middle, my wife is insisting on a divorce and on wanting to find happiness in her remaining years. However, she is asking for a crippling settlement and also sole-custody of our daughter.

I have spent every cent that I have made on our family and am now heavily in debt and jobless. I have also used about $70k of her money without letting her know(I paid for every single thing in our 3 years of marriage, and she was not working for 2 whole years.)

I seriously don't know what to do and could use some advice. I really love my wife and my daughter but feel as if these's nothing I could do to salvage the situation. Now, here I am, in her hometown, miserable, having to look after my daughter while she's out partying, I believe either with the rich, married guy or with some guy she had met 5 days ago!

please advise!

Lisa on January 24, 2012:

Marriage is a commitment to stay together no matter what, and work through ALL problems. Most people just jump into marriage without seeing it as a lifelong commitment, and that is sad. I've been married once, for 22 years, and we've had problems that would make other couples run for the door, but we stayed together because that's what we vowed to one another. A vow isn't just pretty words you say, it's a commitment. Marriage counseling does work and both people need to want it to work. You shouldn't just jump into a marriage; both people need to be on exactly the same page about "death do us part". If you're not on the same page, then do NOT marry that person. There's a huge difference between lust and love.

demurphy on January 14, 2012:

So after 40 years my spouse still lies about stupid stuff. I do not mean every now and then, I mean every day of my life. I will fix the lite, 7 months later I pack up the box and store the lite. I quit smoking, won't smoke in the house. Every day he smokes in the house. Why lie about something so stupid? Why not just say I want to smoke? But I don't and won't in the house? Yet I see him do it and he just looks at me stupid. I'm stupid, I just give up. I want to leave, have nowhere to go. He just does not care, sometimes think he never has

nasma2020 on January 13, 2012:

i lose a lot because of my hasband,he was such a nice guy before get maried he was so perfect i help him for everything i rent an apartment i buy all furniture even i buy him a car what i get nothing just a lot of pain bit me in 1st week we get maried say bad thing about me and about my familly and he make me leave the usa with nothing just fiew clothes,the bad thing i don't know what i should do,he said he love me and he wont me back but i cant trust hime again........

Anonymous w on January 06, 2012:

No.3,4,5,6,7&10 is exactly hw I feel... Had an (choice/optional marriage- my family would say) but I've been married for nearly 2 years now & Ive seen a massive change in me ( I'm always protesting/explaining/crying) hoping that one day my relative and family will understand that a person can put a mask on but Later they will feel suffocated having to pretend they are happy when they are not... We had our gd times but seriously I can't stand him abymore my feeling fir him have become hatred and just regrets.. I didn't wnt to hate him but when family presuade you that 'oh look at thise beautiful memories hie can you leve him' the truth is everyone in the world have a beautiful time but some just don't work and i know I have tried making this marriage of mine work but. The outcome is truly unforgettable..... There's a saying 'we had a beautiful relationship but it doesn't exist anymore'... But I won't give up... I tried to make my marriage lik 2wice but wasn't it wasn't worth it... Before I take a final step I would like to ask after reading my comment what do you think? Should I give it another chance (when i like someone else) what do you think am I being selfish? Am I thinking about myself my own happiness?? (the man I'm married to wont divorce me - I hate to say this but I've made myself crazy for someone else and he keeps accusing me of setting him up and saying I don't care about how he feels towards me) sorry if these comments don't make sense but honestly this marriage has been playing in my head since I got married and currently I just need some opinions on what you think I should do???

star8 on December 18, 2011:

I have been married for more than 30 yrs. and have children with my husband. From the beginning he said he does not like me( I reframed it and thought it was sadness due to his recent divorce). This has been going for all this time. He says he wants to leave, but he is too weak to do it.Nevertheless most of the time he resents me & is demeaning. I told myself that to have a family is important & that I can change myself. I have changed, forgiven, ask forgiveness for my sins, I am grateful for all I have. But being close to him, means abuse (psychological), lack of respect, blaming, etc. He does what he wants, controls everything. I am very tired, children are adults, still at home. I would like to have a good relationship. He is not leaving, only complaining, I feel I should move on, but I feel that after leaving everything else behind to build my marriage, it is as letting it go, is the last straw of letting go my dreams. Any advice of you, experienced people?

Sioux on December 16, 2011:

Can't afford to leave. I invested a lot in the property and the home and refuse to be the one who ends up with nothing after putting up with an abusive husband. He threatened to leave when I put a stop to the abuse, but realised that meant moving back in with his mommy dearest, a fate worse than death! I've resolved to enjoy myself and make the most of life. He's a loser in every way. He threw away true love and now complains I don't love him anymore. Tough!!!

Tony tun tun on December 14, 2011:

I just got married at the beggining of the year but im not in love with my wife, i love her but not in love, we have a child together and that is the reason why i got married, my parents they are still married, i got married because i didn't want my child away from me i wanted to raise my child like my parents did, with mom and dad together, im not happy at all with my marriage, sometimes i regret that i got married, i haven't cheated yet but i feel very tempted to do it, i just don't know what to do.

michael on December 11, 2011:

You cannot make someone love you. I have been trying for 18 months to make my wife of 14 years love me and not think the grass is greener somewhere else. It has not worked and divorce is imminent.

Shobishobi on December 06, 2011:

Hi to All

I've been in this marriage for the past six years but staying together for 13 years. I love my wife so much but I spent so many years working trying to make money for my family. She changed when I decided to take over the my finances which she was in control for all this years.

Nevr got respect, being accused of cheating and not allowed to even talk to woman.

I've tried everything and ask her that we go to church for advise not to this doctors.

She never want me to touch her for the past 11 months but sleeping in the same bed.

I am a man and cannot stand that. She has been visiting doctors( gynecologist) from time to time. Please help I love her to much and I want this problem to end

smilinggal on December 01, 2011:

i am married for 17 years but haven't got any fruitful returns for my sacrifices and in case i want to divorce the person who is my hubby now and wanna get married for a second time with a person who is ready to accept me with my two kids, can i go ahead r not and can i lead a happy life m confused. pls help me out

lonelybutkindahappy on November 30, 2011:

My husband and I just separated because of his anger towards the kids and I. I hate having to get a divorce at a young age, but its something that needs to be done. No one should stay in a marriage when there is no happieness because its not worth it. why put yourself or kids thru that. Kids need a mommy and daddy who are happy even if it means being apart, so many women out there stays for the wrong reasons even when abuse is present. there needs to be more support groups in this world to help others going thru this alone and stufff

kilrot on November 29, 2011:

and i totally agree with Ken !! Bravo mate! well said..

kilrot on November 29, 2011:

wrong wrong and wrong,, all these can be fixed with cousellling

Ken on November 21, 2011:

All marriages eventually experience elements of failure. Everyone who marries has moments when they regret their choice of partner and the decision to marry.

However, staying married is worth the suffering, especially if children are involved.

Marriage is an opportunity to learn selflessness and sacrifice. It really is a bed of roses, but we need to remember roses have thorns.

No-fault divorce has made the marriage contract a farce, and the divorce industry is waiting with all the fine arguments to abandon commitment....

As someone who has gone through a divorce with children, I would encourage anyone reading this to stay married if you have children. They never recover, and despite the popular sentiments of our liberal age, there is little good in divorce for them. Ironically, "the best interests of the children" is the battle cry of those who profit from divorce.

Marriage offers, ideally, two parents, 100/100%, while divorce leaves kids with 50/50, or often 25/75, (or worse 100/0). And yes, many single parents do a good job, as do many divorced parents. But it is much harder.

A special note for Dads about to divorce....statistically, you will lose.

Your divorce will most likely take away your residency with your kids, and possibly all contact (child support is compulsory, but child access is not enforced), and you will take a bath financially (75% of divorce is instigated by the wife....they have a lot gain in these areas).

Moms usually win, but not always. And when they win, their children lose. And so, in the end, they lose too.

I spoke two weeks ago with an older woman I know who instigated a divorce (and for good reason...no one would fault her logic or right) and she confided that she would never have done so if she had known the costs to her children. She said it was a regret to this day, and she is now in her 60s.

By the way, I think Moms are important, and am not a male rights type. I am against divorce and the divorce industry, not women. I do think the system is biased against dads, and I have been through it, so I speak from experience.

Lets support Moms, dads, and kids.....families.

Stecy on November 21, 2011:

Please advise, everything is in place for my wedding but i feel that i made the wrong choice and like the man im just about to marry is not the right one for me. What do i do?

Shehnaz on November 20, 2011:

Hey All,

First of all if parents are having arguments daily since many years and when daughters time of marriage comes still mother is not supportive for her.Can u believe this?This has taken place with me.For all working mothers please it's a request of mine to you please please support ur daughter if u r in a such case.Can u imagine wht would be d condition of tht daughter ,I m tht girl n married without support of mother n father and groom was more great supportive to the bride.Finally i got divorced and now my career is full spoiled no job no persoanl life .Full of depression.Wht to do in such situaton?Can u pls suggest

??????????? on November 16, 2011:

divorce is sometimes good

Yaprak on November 14, 2011:


We have got to become friends. Listening my own life story minus the cancer:( so sorry, I hope your baby is ok. Let's get in touch and good luck.

nana51 on November 11, 2011:

I need help, wanting to leave my 18 year marriage, we have no children together just his and mine, his 24 year old still lives with us, but my adult children are not allowed to move home, no matter how hard it gets for them, have not had sex with husband in 10 months or more, we sleep in separate bedrooms have for about 3 years now, and I'm not respected by him or his son, they are always trying to make me feel like I;m losing my mind, my problem is that I'm wanting to move out of state and just start over, should I go at age 51 or is that a mistake, I have a alot of family where I'm wanting to move, but I'm still scared, by the way my husbands parents also live next door to us, and his mother is always in our business, telling me what I should be doing to make her son and grandson happy, never mind about my happiness, have not talked to anyone about how I feel, But should I make this move and how much money do I need to save up, and will I be able to find a job to support myself at age 51???????? Help need any advice anyone can give.

kammy on November 04, 2011:

i want out of a relationship but we have kids together and my mom lives with us.... I suggest he moved out into one of his rental properties and i keep the house we live in because we both own it. But his response is before i move out of this house i will selll it and leave me no where to live with my kids and mother. What choice do i have.... I am stuck i am not happy at all. Things are its his way or the highway and everything is wrong unless it is his way! Help!

Lillianne on November 04, 2011:

I say this list can be used Vise-versa

"Top 10 Reasons Why People DO Get Married"

I'm happy single and always hope to be :D

kajau from KL on October 29, 2011:

To all the Men a.k.a Husbands out there, just wondering what do men want in their lives.Aren't you all should appreciate your wives and children (if you have).What happened to the wedding vows both agreed on the first day you are declared as husband and wife? I wish God will give punishments to those cheaters equal to the heart pain that their wives have gone through.

I am married for 3 years with no child at the moment. Reason because both of us are not ready to have a baby. I have found out my husband is cheating on me with a mistress or could be more than one sluts out there.I've confronted him, he did not admit! I told him to let me go if he's not happy. To my understanding, if he's not happy with our marriage, mind as well he divorce me and be with his mistress. But he refuses to divorce me. I just cannot understand the reason why my man has to betray and cheat on me. Men are borned liars.I will never trust a man. I am now looking forward to get a revenge. A am just an unlucky lady in love with the wrong man that who doesn't respect and understand the definition of marriage and love.Men should be taught a lesson. Else, they wont stop committing all the sins the world has to offer.

niesaha26 on October 20, 2011:

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15years old and I'm 26 now..... But things didn't get serious until 2003 when I was 18 up until now.I am unhappy and have been for years.....my children's dad is an alcoholic and he can't admit it.but at times he is a good man and father.but there are times when I find myself seeing no chemistry with him or even finding him attractive any more.I have dealt with so much hurt,cheating,lies and pornchat sites I found on his phone.all this is happening after our 5yr old son was diagnosed with cancer....going on the sites to look and flirt w/ women.but right now with our son and my other 4 kids we have and can't imagine doing it by myself.did I forget to mention I'm the soul provider of everyone,I just want my kids to have their dad @ home........PLEASE HELP UNHAPPY & MISERABLE......

daisy on October 18, 2011:

sad you feel like that not every woman is boring

Jonathan on October 18, 2011:

Alas, property is my problem. I am divorcing but I am giving my wife everything. I really don't care I just want out. People, well smart people tend to keep growing all of our lives. My wife and I grew apart. We've been married for 16 years and sure enough, 3 years ago, I started cheating. I had to for my own survival. Do I still love my wife, yes. Did I go buck wild, no. There was no abdicating of responsibility. The problem was one that I got blue in the face trying to explain to her and that she didn't get because of a wall of belief. There is always why she thinks we should be, and what I think we should be. When the vision does not mesh, there is ultimately unhappiness. My wife never grew. She is still the same woman holding on to the same beliefs she had when we got married. Here I've gone through 4 religions, 3 careers, been on 4 continents and began speaking 2 different languages. Now I look back at that beautiful woman and I see a tragic waste of potential. Don't get me wrong, she had every opportunity to grow with me. She refused to. She simply did not want to do it and this is the outcome. I told my wife about my infidelity and it continues. She doesn't like it but reaffirm to her with each outburst that she does not own me and I do not own her. I am free to be and that is what I will do. It sounds selfish, but how selfish is to force someone to stay with you even though it's making that person miserable? It's all in how you look at it.

Buddhists and Taoists have interesting ideas about ownership and emptiness. When I began to understand this, I truly understood my unhappiness. Marriage is a form of ownership. It took me years to shed the mentality brought about by tradition and the freedom of thought that I have since is like fresh air. My self-esteem went through the roof. I finally felt like there was possibility. To not own her, to allow her to be. No more reigns, yet I have to fight to keep her from trying to reign me in. We have no children and if we did, I would teach them to never get married. In this article, nearly all of the reasons can be summed up in one word, fear. It's a slow, agonizing death to be married under the contemporary rules. I chose to break them and rediscover life again.

Erika on October 16, 2011:


I have four children. My husband is addicted to video games and screams and curses at the screen for hours and hours. I cant even sleep in my bed. Last night I slept on the floor. He mistreats me and I don't want to hurt my children if I kick him out. This is killing me from the inside:-(

jaded on October 13, 2011:

the worst thing a couple can do is stay together for the sake of the kids. What happens when they start to resent the children? What happens when the children are subjected to abuse because of the other parent? My parents stayed together for the sake of the kids until my little sister moved out on her own. It was very hard on us enduring years of resentment and abuse, being put in the middle of disputes while having to live with both of them, feeling like you're betraying a parent when you know the other one is having an affair, not to mention the physical and psychological abuse. Total nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Lizzy on October 13, 2011:

I've been married for almost 6 years now, but we've been separated for 5 years, because I was unhappy and I left my husband and go working abroad. His parents always forced me to do everything they wants, even his big family always get involved with our marriage. So I left. And during that 5 years, my husband has been cheating many times, and I don't care. I lose love, I don't have any trust. And too bad I did the same, cos I feel so betrayed. And my parents in law asked my parents to divorce me. Okay done! I was really hurt!

But now I met my husband again, we talked and we apologize for what have been going in the past 5 years, and we talk about to get divorced. But why my heart is hurt so much when I'm thinking about we are going to divorce? I am in doubt now.... should we do that or not? And be honest, to continue our relationship which is unhealthy, parents, lies, cheating etc.... I am afraid to get hurt again... but why do I feel so confused to decide to go separates ways or not.... somebody help me...

elizabeth on October 10, 2011:

To Melanie

Try to educate yourself at home and give yourself praise and encouragement and love, as you have to accept that if you don't value/love yourself then he won't value you. Him loving you probably won't happen if you have let him take you for granted and made you so unhappy. Try to be strong, you are a caring person and one day life will improve.

iris on October 02, 2011:

Hey,I'm 33 been married for 17 years n I made mistakes but stopped n he started making his.the thing is I haven't cheated. Since 2005.he was caught texting his sons gf.last yr n I still don't know if they had sex since neither of them admitted to it.I feel insecure cuz he always tries to get her attention.what to do?

melanie-philippines on October 02, 2011:

im suffering unhappy marriage! I caught my husband cheating a year ago.because i love him and for the seek of our 4 yrs old daughter i choose to stay. everyday is nightmare for he even don't care how i feel. i know he doesn't love me and even not intimately attracted to me since were in sexless relationship. i love him badly so i keep staying with him. hoping someday he will love and cherish me...i know i'm being stupid or maybe insane!!! i do have plan to let go of him...but right now i dnt hav the strength to do it...i am nt capable of supporting my child education until college, i do have work but my salary isn't enough... i dnt hav also capability to pay someone to nanny my daughter, since my mother in-law taking care of our daughter for free...so hard to escape in this unhappy marriage with my situation!

tresa on September 29, 2011:

I am in a terribly unhappy situation. My problem is I literally have no place to go. My son is 9 now always knew his father and I did not get along. We have tried but we are just not the same shall we say "TYPE" of people that deserve to be in a relationship. NO infidelities over here just bickering all the time. Culture has a lot to do with it and the way we were both raised. I suffer so much but financially I would be out on the street. Some people understand. However, I had a member of my family say to me "grow up and stop using excuses and leave if you wanted to leave you would". First it was a very negative comment second it hurt. I have never discussed my situation with her again. I hate her for this because she has spread my business like wildfire. What everyone knows and suspects is all confirmed by this clowns version of my story. I will leave when my son and I can stand on our own two feet. I have been down and out don't want to go back there and with a kid?. no way. That is my truth and how I sanctify my truth knowing that the street is not a place I want to live. I cannot go to my parents home .

Werner on September 18, 2011:

Thank you for all your comments...

I'm married for only 9 months now...and my partner and I were dating for 6 years and engaged for 1 year.

Unfortunately issues of the past has now caught up to us and she decided that she want out.

We decided officially today that were getting divorced.

I believe that marriage is work, and I never give up, but I cant force her to stay if she is unhappy.

How bad or embarrassing as it may be for us, I also just feel that life is short, and I don't believe that God made us to be unhappy throughout our lives.

I just hope God will forgive us for our sins.

Thanks for your comments as it gave me some peace in my heart.

loser on September 16, 2011:

staying married only because wife says she can't live without me. Met the woman of my dreams, and now she is with someone else. cannot imagine there is a more miserable person than me out there. Especially after my dream girl told me she would have dated me instead had I been single.

Bill Giamou on September 10, 2011:

Marriage was invented by Satan to punish men.

valerie on July 14, 2011:

Part of the reason that I got married was because my parents did not approve and now ten years later with two kids im miserable, he drinks too much is selfish disrespectful, hurtful i stay because i want him to change and he does for a few days but then back to the same. you can not make a person change, i want out but i think of my children and how unhappy they will be i feel like i have no options

Rony on July 10, 2011:

I think people should leave an unhappy relationship, you lie,cheat & steal the best years of a persons life away. Then even when they enter a new relationship that baggage is brought into a new situation. I choose not to have children so that if I am unhappy I can leave and not be held back by obligation. Most times couples don't want the same things & never bother to discuss these things before marriage & children. Most of the time these people love the idea of having someone but not the reality that perhaps they are not a good match. So many people I know had children too young, for the wrong reasons & too soon into a new relationship. For me I feel very good about my choice to remain childfree and when I do end a relationship only two hearts will be broken. Then again all I meet is single fathers, so it may only get more complicated as I get older.

L on July 09, 2011:

Divorce will not make you happy. People who want a divorce are mentally unstable, emotionally immature and have unrealistic thoughts about marriage and happiness. And to top it off, how will one be happy paying child support for 18 years, and spousal support. This article is distorting the truths about divorce. The divorce couples I go to court with are mostly men who are psychologically abnormal.

Guest on July 06, 2011:

If only someone could send this too a couple i know .. been together 8 year's, married after their first child was born 6 years ago, although she had 4 from a previous, he has moved out more time's than i care to tell, from year 1 off marriage either stayed with parent's, had his own flat, shes hit the bottle, she control's him, he spends night's on the sofa and he had an affair with me .. i know my bad. He moved in with me for 6months and while seeing his kid at the weekend was sleeping with his wife, then coming home to me. They fell out, she chucked her wedding dress at him and ring which he threw and sold. She was still unaware of me at this point. I found out about their affair i mean ment to be spending time with his daughter but was actually spending their time in the bedroom makes me sick. They had family days out and then he'd come home to me. I found out, kicked him out and he went back for more. 3 months later got himself a flat and tried to rekindle his relationship with me which lasted all of 6 week's. I dumped him he got back with the wife. This time she knew about me. They have had extensive arguments, ones that have led to the police being called because "she feared for her safety". He then tried yet again to fool me into believing he was going to "prove" to me that his marriage is over. Sh*t happened and i ended it, his wife is stalking me on fb, assuming she's still drinking and he is probably still chatting up women online. How do such a destructive couple stay together and put their children through that???

I'am seriously considering phoning Social Service's, but what would they do when they'l pretend everything is normal, and how can a couple that clearly do not love each other put their own gratification's before their own kids needs?? Make's me sick !! .. The poor things are going to be so effected by the years of torture, helping their dad pack, to see him come back !! .. Some people shouldn't be allowed kids !!!! .. Don't destroy your marriage further by trying to make it work .. FOR THE KIDS SAKE DIVORCE !!! ..

katie on July 03, 2011:

Staying in an unhappy marriage can and often does lead to depression because our "close" relationships (where "close" doesn't necessarily mean "good") relationships are the ones that have the most impact to harm us. It's very difficult to escape from an unhappy marriage while remaining married - a true escape is a divorce. If there is no divorce or separation then one is by definition still trapped in a depressive situation.

Depression can seriously affect your functioning in other parts of your life beyond your home: your physical health, your job/career, your friendships, your relationships with others, your creativity, your outlook on life, your ability to enjoy life, your ability to care about anything besides getting through another day/week/month/year in your unhappy marriage.

People who are chronically depressed for a long time in an unchanging or worsening situation are also at risk of developing unhealthy coping outlets to numb or escape their pain, such drinking, substance abuse, reckless pleasure-seeking behavior (like having affairs). These all can lead to a further downward spiral in one's life and negatively affect other family members.

For that reason alone, staying in an unhappy marriage is on a practical level, highly detrimental to you as a person. and furthermore how do you think having a parent who's become so dysfunctional will affect the kids?

Alem Belton from New York on May 28, 2011:

Being in a marriage is sort of like being in the mob, and I think Michael Corleone said it the best; "Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."

Claire Peco on March 17, 2011:

Once a couple has children it is a whole other ballgame in a marriage. Divorce literally tears a family apart--everyone suffers especially the children no matter how old they are. It is sad anyway you look at it. The parents have to suffer in a difficult marriage, the kids have to chose between their mom and dad. It's horrific. The way things are going these day--I just don't know if marriage is worth it. It seems to risky...

arb from oregon on March 06, 2011:

There are certainly times when divorce offers the only palatable solution, however, we are part of a disposable culture that accentuates convienience and worships the pursuit of self gratification. Sometimes growing a garden is more difficult than starting a new one. Why do we think the new one will require less work?

cat on February 04, 2011:

About 3 months into our marriage my husband accuses me of taking financial advantage of him like his first wife wants a break. I fought tooth and nail for a almost 9 months. During which time I was pregnant with a baby he wanted nothing too do with. Its been two years I've left him 3 times while pregnant. we don't talk, unless its about his job, moody, no intimacy since about 5 months into the marriage. Just biding my time. The love has long ago left.

Denise on January 23, 2011:

I feel like my life is lived completely through double standards. His kids are the best things going, mine are terrible, worthless pieces of trash... his kids do more stupid things than mine, but mine bear the brunt of his anger and onesided CRAP.

I want to leave, but I don't want to leave the house I have invested so much time and heart into. I hate to say that I hate him, but the more time that goes by, the more I do. The more he belittles me and my kids, the more I just want to knock him out of my life totally. This is my first marriage and his 3rd. I feel like he constantly compares me to his ex's. I am so tired of it.

I don't have an outlet because he reads my email, and if its not him, one of his kids or family members will.

Is it possible to get out of a marriage and not lose everything? Especially since I have already lost myself??

baby on November 24, 2010:

Well, for me..i got a doter and just married my 6 years bf last year. The wedding was grand for both party unfortunately 52 days after I had a caesarean birth, we were involved in a no-u-turn fight. In which even in-laws were involved. Now Im in dilema, partly because I still loves him....Unfortunately we are already getting divorce.

chandini on November 11, 2010:

hai...like others too, currently im having problems with my marriage.we have been married for 1years.but we always hurt each other.im still young n i think i can move on with my own life n i decide to divorce.im not happy, extremely stress and feel marriage is a burden for me.

the problem now is, i feel pity for him.i have told him to divorce, but he pretend like i never ask for it.he seems like still wanna be together..but i think i dunt love him anymore....................

dunno what to do.......

Wifehood101 on September 24, 2010:

I was totally into reading your hub while my husband was trying to talk to me- it sparked me to ask him questions about what he thinks. Thank you for giving us something to talk about. I'm newly married- love my husband just not the challenges.

cupid51 from INDIA on September 19, 2010:

Very nicely analysed points have been presented. I totally agree with all the points. I personally believe that in India at least 90% of unhappy spouse (mainly wife) try to stay in their relationship because they believe that the relationship is decided at heaven and they are nobody to break it!

Janice on May 27, 2010:

It's just so hard. Why bother.

Oli on May 11, 2010:

I have been married for a year and I can say that our marriage is full of problems. Upon reading all the signs of unhappy marriage, I think almost all of those signs were present.

But, even though our marriage turns that way, I am still trying to save it for the benefit of my three year old son. I really love my son so much and I will do everything just for him to be secure and to have a better life.

Another is that, I don't want to let my son experienced the things that I had experienced before because I am product of a broken family, my parents got separated and they came up to leave both from home. And being with this kind of family situation I can say it is very hard for the survival of there siblings whom they just left.

I really believe that it is not good to make a decision if you’re mad, because the result will not give any benefit to both, rather threatened the lives of the siblings.

edguider on April 14, 2010:

Great hub, I just discovered your hubs Anamika, the bullet point "Reasons why Couples may stay in a Sexless Marriage" is very important. Some mariages go on like this but turn out not working out, I have written similar topics about this.

Alayne Fenasci from Louisiana on April 10, 2010:

-Not having anywhere to go. -Not wanting to ruin his life. -Fear of ridicule/criticism at church. -Knowing I was "supposed" to be able to forgive. -Believing if I couldn't move past his unfaithfulness, that was my problem... These were some reasons I stayed in my first marriage as long as I did. I don't know what would have happened if I'd left sooner, but when I did leave, it was long overdue. There were so many valid reasons to walk away and save my sanity. I just couldn't see them.

Rhonda on March 25, 2010:

I think what's makes parents happy will make kids happy. Happy parents happy kids! Unhappy angry fighting parents =unhappy angry fighting kids etc! As easy as it sounds it's not though! It's messy and seems easier to stay put and be unhappy thinking it will work out! Then ya feel down and depressed when it's not! Altough I'm in no position to preach I been in a unhappy relationship for 8 yrs! Think my self esteem is too low to leave, def something to work on!

suzy47uk from devon on March 21, 2010:

Interesting hub, divorce can make you lose confidence

lender3212000 from Beverly Hills, CA on March 21, 2010:

Life is way to short to waste any of it in an unhappy relationship!

Michelle Cesare from New York on March 16, 2010:


I've never been married but I have married friends who are always unhappy and I have a couple of friends who have gotten a divorce. They are happy now. I'm sure it's major hard to change your life course from married to single but like many comments above have made, life is to short. I would rather be alone and happy than not happy at all.


TheWriterIVY from Savannah on February 17, 2010:

I was drawn to your Hub for various reasons and I think it was well done. It is an uncomfortable topic and brings about so many emotions as you have seen in your comments. I generally write about relationships not because I think I am an expert but because I have alot {lol}of experience with them as do many others. The bottom line, I do not think it is ever good to stay in an unhappy marriage. My daughter was ten when her dad and I divorced and I can tell you that it was not easy but she knew that I was unhappy {she told me later}. As a mother and woman especially,I knew I needed to be happy for myself as well as for my child. Children are not stupid, they know and it is unfair to them to witness their parents misery. Eventually they may blame themselves or worse yet end up in unhappy,unhealthy relationships themselves. BTW, my daughter is 19 now and in college and I am so proud - her dad and I, the best of friends - best to walk away before hatred takes over unhappiness. Great topic and great Hub.

cottontail from Los Angeles, California on February 15, 2010:

i believe you should fight for what you believe in. if you believe in your marriage you should stay and work it out. if your heart isn't in it, best to walk away. I've learned that if only one person wants to work it out, you will never be happy together.

kcnck on December 16, 2009:

I recommend this hub in my hub page

reeltaulk on December 12, 2009:

There is no worth in unhappiness

Light and Love on December 01, 2009:

I have a very different perspective to share with all of you. I have to say that we all need to open our eyes to the fact that we can create the lives we all want for ourselves. Look around you. What do you see. I'll tell you,...it's all of your past choices for yourself or beliefs about yourself. That's what you see around you. If you would like things to be different or better in some way, it is as simple as changing your thinking and beliefs about yourself. If we can change our focus to see anything and everything around us that is good, then we will start to see our lives change almost instantly. When you walk by a mirror, smile! You'll feel better and I already know you'll look better! We have that much power that if we think it, it will happen for us. Find your own happiness. It's not our partners who hold our happiness and have control over it. Our happiness lies within each and every one of us. We were all born whole and complete and we are perfect just the way we are. Believe in yourself and live your life in your happiness and you will see that it has never had anything to do with your partner. It was how YOU allowed yourself to feel about YOU that was distorted. You are totally deserving of everything good and you need to believe that before anyone else will be able to. We all have what it takes to find our own unique happiness. It's our beliefs about ourselves that create the situations that we find ourselves in.

So, if you want to change your life, you can do it...as soon as you realize that it has nothing to do with the people and situations around you. The only thing in this life that we can change is ourselves and the only thing in this life that we need to change to have everything that we want....is ourselves. May God Bless You And Keep You Close.

ktps on November 28, 2009:

i think that if your not happy get out of the marriage cause its could end very bad and if you have kids and you don't want to leave cause you think its just hurting the kids it may be true but if you stay in the marriage your fighting could really hurt the kids and end of destroying your kids life .

Iren on November 25, 2009:

I want to tell you guys about my marrige. I'm 28 years old woman who married almost for 10 years. My husband was always for me as a hero. We have a 8 years old son. Near 1 year ago I catch my husband at home with one of my best friend and they had a sex.Those day for me was as an end of the world. I had soo huge shock for maybe 4 months. I wanted divorce ,after his affair I just hate him, I cannot apologize him and her . Only our son and our property keep me near him. Last month I met a man . He is also married with 1 kid and he is unhappy with his wife but he loves his little son. I always think about him, I feel that I love him so much.And I cannot live without him. I don't know what to do. My life become miserable :( Sorry for mistakes,I'm not the best English writer.

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on November 24, 2009:

creativeone59 : I completely agree with you. Thanks for dropping in.

dumbeth : If your relationship is making you depressed and miserable either you should repair it or move on.

dumbeth from Great Britain on November 24, 2009:

Very Nice Hub but i don't know which is better, is it to remain in an unhappy marriage and remain miserable until the kids are grown up to understand that you are miserable and wants a divorce or to drag the young kids through this divorce issue and make them depressed. i am just confused.

Benny Faye Ashton Douglass from Gold Canyon, Arizona on October 27, 2009:

If you 're miserable and there no hope at all of it getting in better, than the only sane thing to do is throw in the towel and call it quits, if you can't have a happy marriage you can at least have peace of mind. Thanks for sharing. creaqtiveone59

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on October 13, 2009:

You are right mulberry1. Thanks for the response.

Christine Mulberry on October 13, 2009:

I think it's important to find out if the relationship is worth salvaging before deciding to divorce. Counseling can help decide this and you get the bonus of learning something that can help you in other relationships even if you do end up divorcing anyway. So, I guess, I believe you must work HARD and be willing to make changes BUT in the end if you divorce, it's better than staying in a bad marriage. I think probably where I live, in the US, there is a bit less social stigma associated with getting a divorce.

Jacqui on August 27, 2009:

Hi there

I am in a long term relationship with a strong, honest, hard working man who is totally committed and adores me...or so he says. I realised some time ago, to my shame, that I need to leave for my own happiness and sanity. I am very independent, strong and committed but Where I have have always supported, motivated and encouraged my partner, he has always critisized, undermined, undermined and tried to 'mould' me...my blindness to thus was my love and my belief in helping others to be the best they can be...I am an optimist.

However, 20yrs in and the games my partner plays are all now adapting to my challenging his actions...this has lead to a very dark period in my life/our relationship...I moved out for 7 months but came back through what I believe to be misplaced duty and love. He never talks about anytgi g, he never accepts the impact of his actions and has never apologised...why should he, I am back. Please accept that I am oversimplifying things here.

The upshot is I am miserable...I want only good things for him but, for my part our relationship is about me keeping him 'occupied' so as to avoid I timacy and his anger and mood swings. I feel that I no longer trust him with my feelings and, although if asked will be totally frank and honest, I avoid intimacy because he is threatened by my outlok and twists it to either make fun or punish me.

Why do I stay when I have virtually withdrawn from everything I love and am drawn to so as to avoid boring yet another person about my misery.

My happy go lucky, positive can do, optimistic and forward looking self has become inverted, quiet, bored and lonely...always hiding my sadness and dreaming of escape. But my partners insistence tha I am over sensitive and overreact to things make me feel like I am not seeing the real picture, like I am throwing tantrums in light of his love comttent and all he does for me/us. I believe he has emotionally drained and abused me with his possessiveness, his insistance that his way is the only way, his disinterest in anything I do or enjoy away from him and his treatment of me.

Help ... I am going in sane and becoming resentful when I see him so happy...it's all so one sided...he has refused acknowledge any of this and I am spent, lost, sad, lonely and slowly dying.

Please tell me how I leave...I can't keep a job be ause I take jibs I hate because he only approves of a certain way of livi g and has made it impossible to do otherwise.


Vest on August 18, 2009:

I am 83 years of age and have a beautiful loving wife to whom I have been married 56 years. we have had a very successful loving relationship and as a result we have five sons nine grandchildren and four G grandchildren. I believe that COMPROMISE is the factor most likely to succeed in maintaining a successful union. Choosing carefully helps too.

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on August 08, 2009:

I agree with you. Thanks for the visit Writer Rider.

Writer Rider on August 08, 2009:

Very good list. Divorce isn't easy but neither is a bad marriage.

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on August 08, 2009:

Thanks for the comment GoldiString. I have noticed that sometimes staying together for the kids puts the kids into further misery and problems as the couple keeps fighting most of the times.

GoldiString on August 08, 2009:

Staying together for kids. A true sacrifice one has to make. I have heard real life stories of kids who got depressed after parents got divorced. I don't know my stand on this, but sure this makes one miserable and in dilemma.

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on August 08, 2009:

Thanks for your Opinion kismat and izetti.

Lizett from The Great Northwest on July 15, 2009:

Who actually gets anything right the first time(including marriage)? I've heard the statistics on second and subsequent marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages though. I wonder why that is, you would think people would be wiser and choosier.

kismat raval from vadodara, gujarat, india on July 09, 2009:

good hub it is u r right

yes we have to do it

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on June 15, 2009:

Thanks for sharing your story Pat. I feel bad for what you had to go through. You have wasted a lot of time going through this suffering. But at the age of 60 and with conditions like yours i think you are not left with much choice.

pat59 on June 13, 2009:

i have been married for 43 years, my husband has always been unfaithful even with our daughter-in-law who lived in the same house with us at the time.I have so little self esteem that i just overlooked it at the time,but now it is on my mind all the time,but now i have a 9 year granddaughter whom i am raising,and my dad died 4 yrs ago,and i have my mom who has alzhemizer.I feel like there is nothing i can do but stay with him.Any suggestions?

Anamika S Jain (author) from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India on June 12, 2009:

Thanks for the comments andromida,FeniqueS, jayb23 and advisor4qb.

advisor4qb from On New Footing on June 11, 2009:

Sometimes it is better to just walk away than to fight. Life is too short.

jayb23 from India on May 26, 2009:

Completely agree with your points. But for any relationship to be successful less of ego and more of adjustment is required.

A F Stiger from Home on May 26, 2009:

Thank you for this I have 3 very good friend all males that are married and very most UNhappy. Their wifes are also. Their reasoning for staying for all three 1. Kids, 2. Do not want to be like their parents (2 of them the Mother cheated a Lot was not happy, father was not satifying sexually, but he did provide for the family women did not want to leave that), (last one the father cheated had four other families two were in same area and all the kids went to school together. Wife did not care he brought the check home to her first then the others would get what was left. He owned his own business and did very good at it that he could afford to take care of all of them.) 3. Property, 4. Money and security 5. for two of them religion, but everyone knew of the infidelity of both so I don't see way a divorice would make a difference. Least they would be happy apart than misirable together. And lastly with all is that the spouses they cheated on, figured that if the other were to die they would get everything anyway if they were still married when the cheating one was Killed/died. Strange but true.

syras mamun on May 26, 2009:

Throwing a party for divorce is a very positive sign,it symbolize freedom and strengthen our right to become free and live as a free bird as we really were designed to live on.Staying in an unhappy marriage is like a lion living in a cage,stripped of its all freedom.

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