''Get ready to be lied into your face. He is cheating, thus he is lying to his wife day and night.''
Why you should stay far from married men
He is handsome, he is charming and he is taken... Every year countless women trip into the big triangle trap of falling in love with a married man. Some women will back off as soon as they notice the ring or see him with his wife or just sense any clue that tells them he is married. Other women though perhaps looking for that "adrenaline rush" will hold on and start or continue the relationship regardless of his marital status.
These women need to be aware that they are getting their feet stuck into thick quick sands. Very likely their relationship will end up going nowhere. Most men will not leave their wives for their lover. Most men will live the adventure to its fullest and then put their lover into their personal recycling bin forever. This will hurt all those women that have thought that for once and for all he was really falling in love with them and that they had the power to revolutionize his entire life. Do not fall into this trap and remember that if he is cheating in first place then he is not somebody that deserves your trust.
When it comes to dating married men there are many things to keep into consideration. All these bad sides of the story should extinguish the biggest "fires" before they develop.
- First of all, there is secrecy to respect. You cannot present yourself at his front door or start calling and asking his wife for him. You will not have freedom to go to close by restaurants or spend the evening with him at his home where neighbors and friends can report your presence. You will have to be sneaky and accept the fact that you are going to have to hide all the time. Some women may find it exciting to have their own little "dirty secrets" and "secret appointments" but all this will end up soon being a big nuisance to his and your reputation especially in small towns where everybody knows each other. Nothing is worse than having people talk bad behind your backs and even risking somebody telling your affair to his wife.
- Affairs with married men may as well end up being dangerous. If the wife should discover they may stalk you and threaten you. Sometimes they can end up being deadly as well in what are called "murders of passion".
- You will have to deal with the thought of sharing him with someone else. These thoughts can be nerve wrecking. Just imagining him leaving you for the night and having dinner and sleeping with his wife can cause unimaginable heartaches. As humans in our culture, we can share food, we can share clothes but we cannot share a man without feeling terrible about it. And after all, his wife came first!
- Guilt. It will pop up every now and then even though you may hate his wife. True fact is that you are the intruder, you are the shadow threatening to destroy a marriage and the life of children if he has any. True fact is you wouldn't want to be in his wife's shoes and you may want a traditional monogamous marriage as most women.
- Get ready to be lied into your face. He is cheating, thus he is lying to his wife day and night. Meetings, traffic, overnight job stays are the most common excuses. Lying is not a one way road, it goes both ways. His lies are oncoming and out going. Think it over when he says your are the most important thing in his life.
- Un-returned phone calls, loss of contact. This will happen, he tells you he will call but every time something happens and you remain all night waiting. He tells to meet him but then he had to take his son to a football practice session. Be ready to be waiting and waiting and waiting. This should be a wakening sign that you are after all, just a small chapter of his life.
- Not many people will be on your side to give you support. Friends, family may not approve your relationship and you may find yourself lonely and misunderstood. Many times he is the only one that can help you overcome your feelings. But he will not always be there for you.
Regardless, many women still endure in dating married men. We can see this from statistics of cheating married men. Some form of masochism must be present as it is hard to understand how they can overcome all the psychological disturbances that derive from such behavior. Many say that finally they have felt really loved, appreciated and that it was the best event in their lives. Perhaps, these women really need to better understand what real love is and to truly respect themselves, the married man and the married man's wife and children.
A woman confessing meeting a married man
Linda Leckelt from Louisiana on February 28, 2019:
At 21 and at 54 history always repeats itself. The first one shattered my heart now this one has destroyed what's was left. Some Mistresses demand his divorcing his wife I never asked either to.
Remember Mistresses he cheated on a woman who gave him children he will do the same to you no one is ever that good in bed to say he won't cause it all starts with lust then sex. He will look for that thrill again it's inevitable.
Linda Leckelt from Louisiana on February 28, 2019:
Yeah I'm a gluten for punishment. Second M-man told this one no up front but he didn't give up I was weak. Now I find out he has had sex with multiple woman. He used the L word first IDK why.
He already had me so? Men today are a mystery.
He's been married over 30 yrs says his wife does nothing for him they argue all the time I know a line.
Badancer on November 22, 2018:
But he loves me. And I love him!
Tamara Wilhite from Fort Worth, Texas on October 17, 2018:
Agreed, realtalk247. If he's married, he's unavailable - go look for someone who IS available.
Poppy from Enoshima, Japan on October 17, 2018:
I would imagine disadvantages would be “1. He’s married.”
realtalk247 on June 09, 2018:
I'm like Married means NOT AVAILABLE, DO NOT PASS GO, LEAVE HIM ALONE.
Married means his wife could literally physically harm you or kill you
9/10 he's not going to leave his wife for you and if he does it usually doesn't last.
It's wrong. You can romance it any way you want to but it's WRONG.
You're starting an interaction based on deceit and lies -both engaged parties have shown poor character traits.
Who wants to be runner up? Who wants to be engaged with someone you can't take to a holiday party, Christmas gathering with family, etc.
June Liandra from State of Wyoming on September 05, 2017:
it doesnt matter if he's married, if he's a cheater or liar, it doesnt really matter, people will choose what they want, and if you feel used by someone you liked and he/she left you for some reason, then that's just life,
right love on September 29, 2014:
being in love doesn't carry the facts on what others might say...the future ahead will tell of what love must have...right love is sacrifice..
Baby abc on August 05, 2014:
I too dated a marrued man at that time (12 years ago). He was getting divorce but still living with his wife and kid. I put pressure on him to get his divirce or else I will stop dating him. He did, we got married and we have a handsome 9 years old boy now. His ex wife made me go through hell all these years. My marriage was a disaster, figtjhing all the time and judging our past. I was never able to trust him because of the lies I evidenced when we were secretely dating. I always had my doubts on him cheating on me. I guess his past behavior and seeing him cheating his ex made me paranoic he was doing on me. As life goes around, after 12 years , he met someone younger not prettier who even looks older than I and left me with my kid. He did exactly the same he did to his ex. Cheating lying looking for the woman to be more successful than the previous one. He left us for money. Anyway ladies my point is, life goes around and whatever we do , we pay in here. I wish I could go back in time and not do many things. I felt the same pain she felt years ago, which I am sure this new woman will feel it to. My kid suffers a lot and I just pray to God for forgiveness and let me meet someone who loves me truly.
shv on June 12, 2014:
i in love with my sisters husband...and he says he will not leave me at any cost...i dont have any physical relation ship with him...he loves me alot...but i am very confussed pls help me out
Claudia on January 21, 2014:
I have been with a married man for about 2 years n half
The first time we started dating & going out we were always together things were great but then I noticed sometimes he wouldn't call Some days then after a while I noticed I never knew where he lived then one day I found a paper in his car with a number I called found out he was married and had 3 kids the wife found out about me and she left him with the house ans she moved but so then I figured fine he chose me but he still didnt want me to go inside the house then after 1 month of the wife leaveing I talk to her and he keeps begging her to take him back when i i confronted him about he denys everything I dont know what to believe or what to do! Ineed advice
ron on December 15, 2013:
getting involved with a married person will be the biggest waste of your time ever.It will be just a matter of time before they recocile their relationship and it will be you that will destroyed.You will have a broken heart and feel betrayed by your married unfaithful lover.Best avoid all married people and date a single person from the very start.
Levertis Steele from Southern Clime on November 11, 2013:
Sometimes a woman's poor choice of clothing, behavior, self-esteem, body language, or hungry eyes give a man the vibes that makes him think that she is easy prey for his extramarital desires. He feels that she wants him to be turned on by her half-exposed breasts bulging from her push-up bra. He thinks that she wants him to see her thighs and backside in her short, tight skirt. Such dressers do want attention; otherwise, they would not advertise. Desperate men give them attention and more beside. Married men have eyes, too. Men are physical mostly, and some women give them all they want to see, more beside, and a few promises. So, the testosterones get excited and move in overdrive.
You wrote, "Just imagining him leaving you for the night and having dinner and sleeping with his wife can cause unimaginable heartaches."
This is how many married men cause their wives and children to be endangered. How fair is it for his family to be in the dark when danger that he caused could be lurking around them with no one to protect them? If they end up slaughtered, he would probably be dumb enough to marry the woman not knowing that she took his family's lives. Surely this has happened to many families. What love! Cheaters need to realize that their heads are not meant to be just hat racks.
Evelyn on April 19, 2013:
Like all women here, I also fall in love with a married man and suffer terribly now. I met this man through a dating network. He told me he was single and had no kids. As a matter of fact, I was not so in him after two months dates with him. With the time, I feel he is okay. For the first three months, he visited me and we spent most weekends at my home. In the fourth month, he rented a nice apartment and we bought all new stuff for his apartment together. Since then, I visited him most weekends. He is a great cook and I love eating. During this year, we had most festivals and two long holidays together. After about four months, I was fully in love with him. As I said, I love the meals he prepared and the sex was also good. In the tens month we met, I got pregnant from him. It was a great surprise to me. Unbelievably he would not want to have this baby and asked me for abortion. I was very mad and found no reason why he was so.
Finally he wrote to me that he was still married and has already three kids. I was totally shocked and had also no interest any more to give the birth of the mutual baby. After only two months of pregnancy, I got miscarriage. God had known my intention. I also feared that I could not be able to raise the baby alone if I gave the birth to it.
Since then, I stopped seeing him for about one month. Then I started to miss him again. I miss the time we were together. I love to share weekend and holidays at his apartment. Nevertheless he has to go home once a while to see his wife or his children. Before I knew the truth, he told me always that he went abroad for business. After I knew the truth, I know every weekend when he could not be with me, he was with his wife. Every time it just kills me and I cried a lot alone at home.
I have tried to leave him many many times. Every time he just let me choose what I want. He never pushed me or pulled me, and just stayed away from me. After some time, usually about one month, I could not hold any more. I just missed him badly. I always initiated calling him again and begged him to visit me. We then met again.
I hated myself a lot in such a situation, but just feel terrible to be without him. I have also tried to see other guys but without any success. He is always in my mind. He is always the best one (although I know he has also a lot weakness). This situation is so horrible that I find no way out. Since I am in love with him, no other man can win my heart. In fact, I am suffering greatly at some weekends alone at home.
Why is the life so? I really need help!
MissL on February 06, 2013:
I am having the most intense, passionate fantasy about starting something with a wonderful man I know on a professional basis. I have been with my partner for 15 years (we are youthful 35 year olds). We are unmarried, don't have children, and have only ever been with each other. Our problem is we are so sexually incompatible and hopeless at communicating. We have sex often but we just never seem to connect anymore, we are so out of sync on as many levels as there are. But we are good companions, own a home together, love our pets, have plans for the future (boring, un-grand plans, but they're still plans)... and were once very much in the best sort of all-consuming love, like fairytale style. He has some mental health issues and this is very draining and stressful to me, but I support him as best I can. We have been through some rough times: he has broken my heart before and as much as I tried to move on, the scar won't go away. I believe we have fallen out of love with each other, and I know I don't fully trust him to not hurt me deeply in the future. But I do love him and the thought of being alone or trying to meet someone new (at my age!) is very terrifying for me.
Seven months ago we started consulting with my fantasy man - he runs a business and we required his services (without going into details! - no, it's not counselling or anything to do with our relationship). We go to his office 1-2 times a week, and after the first few times I was hit hard by a severe attraction to him. For whatever reason, I started flirting subtly with him (well it had to be subtle, my partner was there) and was pretty sure he was flirting back. Lingering eye contact, little smiles, softly brushing hands - that sort of thing. Of course, he had to be even more subtle given he is the professional, my partner was present and, oh, did I mention he wears a wedding band? (some detective work revealed he has two kids. He's about 45 I think).
I sometimes talk to him on the phone (business, but always lighthearted and flirty), and on occasion I've found excuses to visit him alone and this leaves me with no doubt he is attracted to me too. I sense he is a man of high morals and certainly wouldn't go looking to damage his marriage or professional standing, and is unlikely to do anything obvious.
It's absolutely freaking delicious, let me tell you. I'm having the best time. Today he gently touched my back and said my name as he showed me out of the office and I almost crashed my car on the way home. Is that unhealthy?
The thing is, I don't imagine either of us will ever try to take it beyond what it is, but I'm sure as hell going to enjoy it while it's there. And maybe the reason I can enjoy it is because it's 'safe' (apart from the inattentiave driving). My partner is super-faithful and values fidelity above all else, something resulting from his parents messing around when he was growing up. I'm not even confident we would both make it out alive if I ended up cheating on him, and that puts quite a dampener on my imaginings, let me tell you.
I am quite modest and as much as I constantly fantasize about being the wild, passionate 'other-woman' for this lovely man, I'm pretty sure I don't have it in me to take that step...(unless we somehow managed to find ourselves alone with a bottle of wine).
So what now? Now that there is some sort of growing acknowledgement of intense attraction between myself and the married man, I suppose we will push the boundaries just that little bit further and enjoy the deliciousness of it all. I would LOVE to know how he is seeing all of this and whether he has intentions of any sort.
On days when I feel a little bolder, I reason with myself that surely I deserve to have romance and passionate sex again in my life, to know what it's like to be with someone else, to immerse myself in falling in love for a second time. Or is this it for me? Do I only live in my head, and just plod along through life as if that's enough? At least I'm having some outrageous multiple orgasms for the first time in my life, even if there's no-one to share them with.
I'm not given to flights of fancy about god, judgement, afterlife or other lives on earth. I believe this life is it, no-one is going to send me to hell, and the only guilt or consequence I have to worry about is from hurting real people. I don't need the fear of god - that is enough to stop me. At least I think it is. Ah, what's life without a little sacrifice anyway? It's probably character-building.
Lusle on January 03, 2013:
I have been married now for 16 years with happiness and love till Oct. 2012 last year everything turned upside down just because of my husband suspect me of cheating, he went out he was going out with another woman. But actually, i was never cheating. there is a man i use to know before i got married, because he is always coming around, my husband says we have something in common. This brought my marriage to a breakdown, I was devastated with no help from anywhere, my husband goes out and comes late at night and when i ask he yell at me like a common woman. I was emotionally, and verbally abusive.everyday i pray for a better day but things goes worse that my husband was filing for a divorce.
A faithful day i cried to a friend's house because the pains were too much to bear. she talked me out and referred me to a woman who do spell online who could help. the spell lady email is firstname.lastname@example.org, she said the lady helped her few weeks ago with when fiance was misbehaving. So i contacted this spell lady and put all my trust and hope into it. To my greatest surprise, her spell worked under 2days, Because my husband came to meet me in my office crying for forgiveness for not trusting me. It looks like a movie to see my husband back to normal so fast. He canceled the divorce. Priestess is a goddess with her spell casting. I trust her fully. My happiness today is because of her.
joan on October 20, 2012:
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LuvAZChick on October 19, 2012:
I'm in a similar situation to Audrey. Been with a MM for many months now. Never intended for it to go this far but who does really? We have a strong friendship, can talk about anything and really share a life together in many ways however strange a life it may be. That being said, I understand the limits of our relationship and knew this when I got into it. I don't expect him to leave his wife nor do I think I could handle a full time relationship with him (or with anyone else). I enjoy my freedom while still having someone to love and who loves me. There are always insecurities but how can there not be when the reality is that there is no happy ending. If his wife ever finds out, I know it will end badly although he denies it. I've accepted all this but still believe that what we have is worth it at least for now. Just thought I'd share my story because I can't believe that every woman who gets involved with a MM believes he will change his life for her.
sonisagra on September 18, 2012:
I'm proud of you for breaking it off. Trust me, break it off now! It will hurt like hell but it can hurt like hell now or it can hurt like hell later, either way it is going to hurt! Might as well break it off now before you waste anymore time on this married man. He may send you flowers, candy, call you baby, tell you he loves you, makes future plans with you, plans trips with you, talks about moving in with you, goes apartment shopping for you, opens a seperate bank account, etc. All these things my MM did, by the way. A lot of people will tell you he lied to you, some of them do, but some of them get caught up in the moment, like you do. They aren't just lying to you, they are lying to themselves. They are living the fantasy, as you are, and you are eating it up. But that doesn't make it RIGHT! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS and until he is already moved out with divorce papers in his hands, don't believe him! Don't waste your time ladies, if he hasn't left her by now, he won't leave her. And if you go tell his wife that he has been messing around, she doesn't always kick him out and that can backfire. I say TELL HER! His wife deserves to know, and then run...run far away. Make smart decisions and be strong ladies...you will get through it, I promise. It hurts now but you will get over it. Just learn from it and never ever date a married man again...EVER! Only 3% of men end up leaving their wife for the other woman. Trust me if he hasn't done it by now, he ain't doing it. You have a better chance of winning the lottery. Check out a 12 step program for love/romance/relationship addicts. Google it. If you are with a married man, you are most likely an love addict. I know you probably feel like a fool right now but, you have to go through the storm before you see the rainbow and trust me ladies, BE STRONG, LET GO, MOVE ON...there is a rainbow!
confusedjello on July 17, 2012:
After 9months of sneaking around I ended my affair it was easy and theres no bad blood it just needed to stop I hate that I was weak and tarnished my relationship, my fiance doesnt kno but I do! It was dun good sexy and exciting but it was beyound wrong on borh our parts, we were lucky we didnt get caught, now we can both work on the reasons why we cheated on the ppl we love.
Audrey- Los Angeles, Ca on July 16, 2012:
I have a "friendship" with a married guy, and I don't hate his wife. And he is a good man. He loves his two kids already in high school, he is good provider. Obviously has his reasons to look for something outside of his marriage, but he doesn't lie to me. We talk about anything he is good to me and I enjoy his company we talk almost everyday, and when we can't talk I can always reach him via email and he replies right away. If anything is his business and he is the one that needs to feel guilty. Right? I don't expect him to leave his wife for me in fact that will be too much on me that I wouldn't want that. And I don't know her so to each it's own. Life is too short. Live, love and learn
TonyBraig on June 13, 2012:
I don't feel that way. Two person comes in relationship only when they happen to share same temperaments. If a married man is looking for relationship it can simply mean his married life is not a happening one and he can very much be committed too ...
Cece on June 05, 2012:
Im in love with a married man. I know its wrong. I grew up with morales. But I allowed myself to find love in the wrong person. I'm trying to let him go. Its breaking me apart. I read all these sad poems to help put things straight in my mind. I have been in the other women shoes. I don't know how I could have done this. I'm not a bad person. I hope I can come to my senses and end the affair.please help me.
Kim on May 09, 2012:
I joined a dating website and meet someone only to find out after a few weeks - yes he worked two jobs and was quite busy that I found out he was married! I did the digging so not everyone is honest when you meet them either!
greyson amon on April 02, 2012:
LOVE AND TO MERRIAGE
Moreblessing on March 28, 2012:
I am in love with a married man and he is irsesistable and jeluos about me.His promises makes me hape and love him more.But I need to be married what should I do?, please help me.
Guy on March 13, 2012:
Articles like this seem always to be skewed against the man. Though two are involved, it is only the man who is described as dishonest and untrustworthy. There are two people in the bed, and they are both deceiving innocents to indulge their own desires. The victim status is a convenient way for women to digest things after the fact.
I had a long, off & on affair with a woman. She knew I was married when she met me at work, and broadcast her interest with a megaphone. She was living with a man for the first year of the relationship, and was sexually active until she moved out. She periodically ended it with me to pursue 'normal' relationships when opportunity knocked (once her 'normal' relationship was another married guy).
When her attempts at relationships with others flamed out, as they tended to do quickly, she'd re-discover her love for me and revive the affair. She finally ended it for good when one of her passing opportunities worked out.
Each time she ended it, she'd declare that it was a matter of conscience, though her conscience seemed always to strike when another man was near. She'd tell me condescendingly that she'd 'pray for my soul', as if standing on some moral higher ground. When she was firmly connected to her final alternate man, she told me I never loved her, that I'd used her, that she'd wasted years on me, and that she'd cheated herself.
It was all self-serving baloney. Our affair came and went according to her needs and her urges. We were thick into it when she was alone, and she turned cold whenever she thought she had something better.
I really felt she'd read or heard a lot of baloney about the mistress as victim, because what she described when she turned this way was unrecognizable to me as our relationship. It was simply convenient lies that helped her reconcile herself to what she had done, and helped her harden her heart to me by telling herself I was a 'bad man'.
And when I go online to look up the topic, the theme is always the same. The married man is a dishonest conniver, and the mistress is as much his victim as the wife. I don't buy it. There are two people dancing, and they both know what they're doing.
wahguru on March 12, 2012:
it's all so complicated though
Lilac on March 10, 2012:
I have strong feelings for a married man at work. have tried to stop it several times but I keep on going back for more. He always tells me he doesnt know wha he wants which doesnt help. The worst part of this for me is waiting for someone...and putting myself in that position. I know I deserve better. The hardest part is dealing with the feelings day in and day out. How do you deal with this? Ive never been in this situation before.
lostinthecrowd on February 26, 2012:
well hi there. Im reading all these today as i find my self again in a panicky anxiety mode once again.
Its a complicated situation and one I never planned.
I met my MM 3 months ago out dancing and there was this instant mutual like. that doesnt mean much as this can happen when 2 are out drinking and having fun.
well...we hooked up the same night. Next day we got together again and hew told me he is married. Im single divorced 10 yrs now and he is married no kids for 2 years to her.
I was shocked to begin with, I was also sad. not really mad but disappointed. the smart thing would be to end it right there and then but it felt so good to be with him. I should mention that he is from another city 6 hrs drive from me and been here for 2 months now working straight. He has left to go back to his wife/home for maybe a total of 6 days all together in between.
and still called me from there.
Total time I know him is 3 months. The fact that he is from another city but now works here for straight 2months and his wife is back home made it easier for me to ignore the fact that he is married. He is 28 I am 40..I know it sounds insane. I tend to connect with younger people lots and I guess I look 30 ...so they say. I do not want to sound shallow but I rarely dated older men ..not planned it that way just happens .
He did things for me that I really dont know why he did.
this did not feel like it was based on sex it just never did even tho that part is amazing.
Our chemistry is so great and I feel so comfy hanging around him. He sends me texts 3-4 times a day has gotten me red roses at work and all and teddy bears and such.
He spend time with me and sex was not always a priority.
He picked me up and did random stuff with me and introduce me to his coworkers. He met my friends and spend so much time with me when he wasnt working.
He sends hearts and calls me baby and even acted jealous when once we were out and a guy asked me to dance.
its like we are an item for the last 2 months and he is usually the first to reach out to me.
I am not one to get impressed easily and its not the gifts that get to me but I trully like him and starting to really really like him....lots I am torn. I dont want to let this go but I live in fear and my anxiety gets me sick at times.
He called me 3 days ago in a hurry telling me he had to go for an emergency visit and talk to his wife...I have no idea what that means. I hate it. makes me sad.
He called me yesterday telling me he is coming back today and he will call me when he gets here. I should mention that he said before when he left on the phone that "he doesn't want to hurt his wife" and that "she doesn't trust him and he doesnt trust him" and he doesn't think he wasn't to fix "it" think is the key word here. And now this! His wife called me this afternoon! in a very calm but firm voice said "you dont know me but i know you. so and so is my husband and you need to stop texting him and if you dont he would tell her and that she will have to call me again" she asked no questions I said nothing but "ok" as i was not prepared for that and in a state of shock.
I have no idea what she knows I think she only saw some texts but from what I know he didnt talk to her about the affair.
I do plan to see MM when and if he does call and I will tell him that. I will ask him about the visit back home and what took place. What should I do?? What should I ask him or expect out of him...? The wife seems to know about me but only part of it and she told me she will call back if I dont stop "texting" her husband. (texted the first night he was there 2 days ago and she saw it)
I had to get this out of my system and i apologize for my typing but English is my 2nd language.
any advise..welcomed . I like him and i wish he was single but he is not and I am so fragile iand I dont want to hurt in general and thats the reason I have been single most of my years divorced. Thank you
secretflower on February 26, 2012:
Hi, all comments was great , helpful and thoughtful.
my story is , i am married for 5 years and been struggling to fix things for 1.5 , didn't work. i met this guy 18 years older than me in may and we said we just gone fill those gaps in our own lives using each other and never would leave our families, we fell in love and it is amazing ,its great we talk on phone for hours without noticing the time , we love going out together for food and sex is nothing i could ever imagine !!
anyway my husband found out and i told him(my husband) i don't love him but he still pushed on the fact that we have to work on it ! and then his wife found out and send me a a long email . that how horrible i am,this happened in Dec and we already decided in Nov that we want to be together for real , i am leaving my husband now and he says he will leave by end of April !!
by the way he has two girl and i spoke to him
a Lot that we cant be together because those girls heart will break , i even threaten him that his kids may never love him again as much but he insisting on leaving his family , and when i wanted to leave him with all the pain i know i would have without him he said , i am playing with him and that he was just a game for me.
and he says he puts all his eggs in one basket and i am breaking the basket and he start crying and getting so upset , i have strong feeling that he will leave his family but i don't know with all the love i have for him , i never loved someone so much , can i ever forgive myself for ruining their family?! is it right at all that i think i was the one who ruined the family ?
he says he hasn't been happy for 10 years now and he sees how much he can be happy with me and he is sure he want me .
i feel paralyzed without him but i also feel so responsible for his being and happiness.
please if you see yourself in a situation that you can give me advice , i would really appreciate.
Adrienne Farricelli (author) on February 19, 2012:
Just as people go through the pain of losing somebody that passed to better life through time, you will get over it. I am sure it seems like something impossible at this time, but time heals and makes things feel different in the future. The only problem though is seeing him at work, this will make it much more difficult as I am sure you always have him in a corner of your mind. is changing job something possible?
sohurt on February 19, 2012:
I have been married since. I was 17. I am now 35. My husband had an affair for 5 years and I just knew I would never do that. But, I did. I'M hurt and confused and don't know where to go from here. The man I cheated with is married also. We met at work and started out as just friends. Then we moved to flirting and eventually to talking about sex. We gave in and had sex one time and still remained friends and emailed each other hourly. We met again and the same thing. Then he told me it was just for fun and I allowed myself to hide the feelings I had for him so that I could continue to get the love and attention I desperately needed. Now, after this last time together, he is saying he can't deal with the guilt and is trying to be good. He has stopped emailing me and only speaks to me when it is work related. I just don't know what is going on here or how to get past this. I wonder if he has developed feelings for me and that is why there is such a sudden change. I'M not sure it even matters since he has clearly chosen to end this.
Will the hurt and pain go away? I can't get him out of my head and the fact that I see hum daily makes it No better. I have told my husband what I have done and he is willing to try to work things out but I can't get past thus man long enough to consider what I truly want.
angryforever23 on February 14, 2012:
hi, I feel completely stupid falling for the lies of a married man who just wanted to use me and at my age 54 you'd think I'd know better, it finally finished 5 months ago after a long time of waiting by the phone and you know the rest but I am still incredibly angry and want to hurt him I have on occassions written to his wife to tell her, but never posted anything, I just want to feel normal again and regain my self respect, any ideas ???? I am female but havent been able to change this profile just yet will work it out though
Zabella on February 06, 2012:
My story is a little different to those above. I'm 30 and not married but have been with my partner for 10 years. We've discussed marriage but it's never really something I wanted to do with him. My partner is a few years older than me and has developed issues with his health over the past 3-4 years (which he doesn't monitor properly).
Our problems started before his health issues. I'm a very sexual person - I enjoy sex and intimacy (who doesn't?!). He could take it or leave it. For as long as I can remember we've been intimate less than once a month. We somehow managed to conceive a daughter together, who is now aged 6. I used to push the sex thing but I got sick of having to try so hard.. he should WANT to be with me. I asked if the problem was me, did he not love me? Didn't he find me attractive? According to him, he just didn't think about sex.
Long story short.. I met a guy online who I had met through friends prior to meeting my current partner (approx 11yrs earlier). We ended up catching up and I fell for him. I ended it with my partner because the guilt got to me and I didn't want to be with him if he couldn't make any effort (he was also out of work and being a grumpy, lazy bum). We got back together after a few weeks but I couldn't end it with this new guy (who also did not work) as he had this crazy sexual power over me. I think I just wanted to be wanted. He also had a girlfriend who he was not willing to leave for me. This affair went on for about a year and ended up getting emotionally and physically abusive.
It was around this time that I started talking to an ex boyfriend again.
Now this man I met when I was 18 and lost my virginity to (I am by no means a tart by the way.. I've been with very few men). We dated for a few months but it never turned into anything serious. He moved to the other side of the country and we remained friends. He was a wonderful man and always there for me to talk to, confide in etc. He called me a few months after leaving my city and told me he loved me. I didn't know how to react.. and kind of fobbed him off. I was 18 and too busy partying to take him seriously. He wanted me to move and be with him, I said no.
I moved on, he moved on. He met a girl, got married and had a child and I had my daughter with my current partner a year later. We didn't really keep in touch over the years but chatted online every now and then to "say hello" - nothing sinister.
This time it was different. He was unhappy and so was I. I told him about my current relationship(s) and he understood.. he made me realise that this affair was killing me, destroying me. I had to end it. He would call me every day to remind me that I was a good person, that I am loved, that I am better than this asshole had led me to believe (he had destroyed me - my self esteem was at an all time low and I had given him permission to hit me, degrade me, bribe me. He told me he loved me. I know now that he didn't).
This man was my saviour.. from 2500 miles away he had rescued me from my own personal nightmare. He rebuilt me.. picked me up, made me smile again. I didn't think much of it until one day we got talking about our feelings for each other. He told me that he'd never stopped loving me and thought about me often. He'd only married because he thought I didn't love him back. But I did love him. I always had.
He ended up leaving his wife and visiting me (about 5 months after we started talking) and we spent an amazing weekend together. We had sex one time and I had to basically beg him for it. He still felt like he was cheating on his wife and his son. He went home and vowed to make his marriage work. He has strong ethics and wanted to know that he'd tried everything before giving up his marriage. I know that may sound hypercritical but the connection we have is out of this world. It's electric. We're soulmates.
He was still unhappy and although we tried we couldn't stop talking online, on the phone and on Skype. We both tried to distance ourselves but it was impossible to stay away. I ended up visiting him 6 months after he visited me and we spent 4 magical days together while his wife was out of town. We still had amazing chemistry and couldn't deny that we were madly in love.
It's now been 6 months since I saw him last (17 months since we reunited) and we're more in love than ever. He wants to leave his wife but their finances are tied in together and he's afraid she'll take his son from him. They aren't intimate anymore and neither are my partner and I. It just doesn't feel right to be with anyone else and I've asked him not to be with his wife. We're completely honest with each other and trust each other implicitly.
It kills me to be apart from him and I don't know what to do here. I've tried to end it but he breaks down and says he can't live without me. I don't want to live without him either but I just don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for him??? Can we put a time limit on these things? I'm still with my partner too but resent him more every day. I know it's wrong but I'm just biding my time until I can be with the one I love. My greatest fear is that one day he'll tell me that he doesn't have the courage to leave after all. What then??
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. xxx
Sara on January 20, 2012:
I loved a married man. During the last 6 months. He does not have children. But we did not have sex. We did not kiss. Nothing. Because I was always afraid of my future. I think that men are so weak, they are never able to leave their wives. I do not believe that he will ever leave his wife. Even if we will have amazing relationships. One week ago he went on vacation with his wife. And, THANKS GOD, something happened to me, inside of me, something with my soul, I do not know. But when he told me that he would go on vacation for a week with his wife, at that moment MY willingness of being with him DISAPPEARED, naturally, it just happened, very naturally, I did not cry. Just 1 week ago I understood that I DO NOT WANT to be with him, I really do not want this now. I just do not have the willingness. It is so cool!! So cool feeling. I feel freedom now. I have not felt freedom for 6 months. All these months I was waiting for his messages on my phone. And now I EVEN DO NOT THINK about him. That is so GREAT!
Mimosa on January 19, 2012:
He made no promises, spared no time, was sneaky, rich, powerful, charming, witty, intelligent, funny, old, insecure, inadequate, gentlemanly, sporty, forgetful, charismatic, drives a BMW 7 series, plays baddy, plays golf, buy horses, travels a lot, has skinny legs. He's unavailable. Leave him.
newrule on January 16, 2012:
I got close to someone who I told that I inadverantly overheard a couple of gals saying that she was seeing a married man. She said that was true and she was feeling really bad. I said ok. She then said, so how do yu think of me now.? and I said, well, I one of two choices, I can outright reject you as a decent woman as you have earned your scarlet letter, or I can stand next to you and not abandon you, and try to support your healing, because most others will not, but I'm a Christian and will never reject someone because they made a horrible mistake. She really appreciated that and we then went on to have a relationship. But, low and behold, within 6 weeks, she took me for over $10,000 and then punished me in court when I was trying to collect. SO, THE NEW RULE IS SIMPLY THIS - GUYS, DON'T EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING NEAR ANY BROAD THAT COMMITS ADULTERY, AS SHE WILL ULTIMATELY DESTROY YOU TOO!
abbie on January 12, 2012:
How u get over the hurt is unbelievable and they are all not worth it
Joyce on January 04, 2012:
It's a good decision to be taken by "Memjojo" for saying she is going to end her relationship with her maaried man. Sometimes we do things out of ignorance or not knowing the consequencies or repercussion. BUT when somebody takes the trouble to enlighten us, we definitely have to let our reasoning overcome our emotions.
Thanks and God bless you for saving marriages from breaking.
megasco on January 03, 2012:
I am writing just to say that women who fall in love with married men have a problem on their own. They don't know what love is but thriving on infatuation.
SoSad on January 03, 2012:
I've been having an affair with a married guy for about a year now and I made the huge mistake of falling in love with him. Like many others have said, I never thought I'd be in this situation, but what started out as a really nice friendship somehow turned into an extra-marital affair. He is very unhappy in his marriage but I don't see him getting out of it, although I'm not sure why. I think a large part of it may be related to the financial situation. I am divorced. I think my previous experience with love has made me way more cynical about it than I care to admit at times. I was in a marriage where my husband cheated on me when I was in my 20s. (We are both in our 40s, BTW.) It devastated me and I can't believe that I am doing something similar to someone else, but when I think about ending it, my heart actually hurts. I'm not sure what to do. We are part of a group of friends that all camp together in the summer months and so even when it's over, I will still see him all the time in the summer months. I can't see how I can possibly end things and still have to see him all the time...just because it has ended doesn't mean the feelings are not going to be there. I tried to end it a few months ago but it didn't work for either one of us. I need him and I'm very much in love with him. I know it is not just lust because we were friends for so long before any of this stuff started and I know well the person that he is. The only option I see for ending it is to stop camping, but that is something I've been doing for 10 years now and how do I explain to my kids and my friends (only 2 very close friends know about this) why I'm giving up something (camping) that I love so much? I'm not sure what to do but I know that my heart can't take the beating for much longer. When we spend time together, for days later all I want to do is be with him and I think about him constantly and that is painful and makes me so sad. I know in my head that I need to end it, but the heart tells me something completely different and then I think that if I do end it, the feelings will still be there and I'll still be sad, but just no more affection, kisses, or sex.
I'd love to hear some advice but please don't suggest that I give up camping with my friends. That is definitely not an option. Thanks!
Susan on January 01, 2012:
I have been dating a married man for the past 8 Months. I am a widow, so was probably vunerable. He has done this before, and actually left his wife 3 times for one woman. I hate the fact that he lies constantly to his wife, so I know, that he most certainly lies to me. I just adore this man, and have never felt so happy, but deep down, I know that I can never have him, and wouldn't ever trust him. We are not seeing each other as much as we used to, and I fear that maybe the buz has worn off for him? I know this is going to end in tears, and dread the day when it does. It really helps to read everyone's experiences, but I still can't make that break.Thanks for reading my story. Good luck to everyone out there, who is in this same mess!!
guest on December 26, 2011:
I have been married for five years now. I am 43 and my husband will be 66 soon. I started seeing him when he was married to his ex-wife. He married her when he was 35 and she was 19. I truly thought we loved each other so much when we married. We bought a very expensive home in the SF Bay area and it has lost over $500,000 in value since we purchased it. He has had to move part time to Las Vegas, NV to earn a living. We also bought two condos there to earn money to pay our mortgage. Lately, he has been distant and remote. I am now getting calls from restricted numbers on my phone along with hang ups. Can anyone tell me what I should be doing? I work as a software engineer and make good money, so I wasn't after him for his.
tiny50 on December 26, 2011:
Suzie from Carson City on December 25, 2011:
The only comment I would like to leave is to simply tell the tale of my friend,"Dave." Dave and his wife were good friends with another couple. They spent a lot of time together. Soon enough, Dave left his wife...and the "other" woman, "Kathy," left her husband. Dave & Kathy married. Several years later, I ran into my friend Dave, who was not looking so happy. He confided in me that he had recently discovered (and proved for himself) that Kathy was seeing another man. I listened quietly and intently as Dave poured his heart out. When I was sure he was done talking about his broken heart and his wife's infidelity.......I placed my hand on his and asked him, "Dave, tell me again, how it was that you and Kathy got together in the first place?" Needless to say, there was only silence.
Anita Nasimy on December 17, 2011:
i need an Advise. i and my boyfriend were in love and we wanted to get married but things didn't workout between our families and we both were forced to get out of the relationship to point that they found us different partners. his family knew that his love for me was much stronger than mine for him so they thought if they push him into marrying the girl they had found him, he would be able to fall out of love. before he was married he asked to me leave everyone and everything behind and go away start a new life with him but i refused because i love my mother and didn't want to hurt her by my actions, it also hurts their name, dignity, and fame, it's a cultural thing. now he is married and not happy and i am single and not happy. we both still love and desire for each other, i am miserable without him :( he still wishes to be with me and i can not accept him because the trust is broken. i think he should of never agreed to marry someone else even if he was angry with me. i can't trust and or take him back because his family will never accept me and i will be looked down upon plus my family will disown me and there is high chance that he would go back to his wife if things don't go well as his mind has created the beautiful fantasy life with me. what advise do you have for me?
divya on December 14, 2011:
My problem is not related to a marriad man.
But i love to a guy for 4yrs we love to each other. but i don't want to marry with him, he wants marry with me. I told him many time I don't want marry with you bcz my family will be never allow and i want to marry with my family choice. me and my lover both are other cast. after some month i like a guy and i want marry with him bcz my family also like him and he loves me, i accept his proposal then i tell to my mother, and my lover he told me you should not do this bcz this is not right, but i don't care him and i had done and finally accept his proposal then my lover torture me and told me he will tell everyting to my family, my upcoming husband, and he torture me mantaly. finally he told everything to my upcoming husband he told true & false. and 1 day he comes at my home then tell my father and my father refuse him. and i take a false swear to my dad. then my dad scold me. Now my upcoming husband loves me lot and he knows everything about my past whatever i had done bad or good everything. But now my past is not disturb me. But sometimes I miss him lot and cry ot. I know I had done wrong with him, but he had done wrong with me. What should I do. I missed him lot.
D. Man on December 11, 2011:
My wife was cheating with a married man. How do I contunie my marriage with trust.
Lydia on December 08, 2011:
I'm in love with a married man.... We used to date 14 years ago... I was really into him but afraid to express my feelings. Too make a long story short I found out about his future wife, and pushed him away. He tried to rekindle things a couple of months before his wedding. I just blew him off. I heard thru s mutual friend that he was getting married the day of his wedding... I cried like a baby. I never got a chance to express my feelings. 11 years later we cross paths.. we have been in contact for the past 3 years. We talk every day. I feel like I really love him. We had sex for the first time a lil over a month ago. I don't know what I should do.. I have been secretly in love with him for 15 years and I have never gotten over him.my love for him is way past a sexual. I have always felt like this was supposed to be my husband. I'm so confused...
Juliet on December 04, 2011:
Hi everyone. Dont know where to begin. My story is like this. I've been dating a married man and just this year we had a child. A gorgeous baby girl. He has two sons and he says he loves his daughter so much that he is working on filing divorce with his wife. I don't know if he's serious..but I do know he really loves our daughter because he was with me during my entire pregnancy and was there too when I gave birth. Now he is more in love with his daughter that he is driven to get a divorce. However he says he also loves his sons and that he wants me to be patient as the divorce he's filing will take two months time..what I dont understand though is why he had not discussed this with me earlier..and then calls me all of a sudden (just recently) to say what pain he is going through with his family (angry wife included) restricting him access to see his only daughter. Then he's been confiding in my cousins that he really loves me but has not said this to my face. Oh, and he has a reputation seeing other women beside me too. Should I not get my hopes high? Is he just another asshole? How can I stop seeing him now that we have a child we both adore? Is it best I stop him from seeing his daughter? Would it be fair that he has been kind to her and me from the beginning..and telling the whole world he is over the moon with his daughter and has nothing to hide about her? Pls advise.
amaya2011 on December 03, 2011:
hi everyone, i've been reading your stories and i can say that your situations are better off than mine.
i'm 32 and have been in a relationship with a married man who is almost twenty years my senior for more than 6 years now. ours was never the love-at-first-site type (at least on my part) to start with (there's another part of the story why i got into this), but later on i just learned to feel compassion and later on love towards this man. the usual characteristics of an illicit relationship was there: the sneaking out on some nights, the lavish attention, the almost unending feeling of love, the intense love making, and most of all the guilt.
my family doesn't know about this of course.
we never cohabited, we just agree on seeing each other in some place but not frequently, like once in every 2 months, or once in every 6 months or once a year. though he would want us to see each other far more often i would make excuses for fear of being seen with him, and for the guilt i feel.
we went on like this for 6 years, and though he would often demand more time from me, the relationship survived. however, fights would steam from my reluctance to see each other more often.
he once said he will soon file for annulment of his marriage (in our country we don't have divorce) so we can get married. I felt he just told me that to appease me and give me assurance that i have something to look forward to in our relationship. That we have a future together. According to him his marriage has long been over as evidenced by his serial extramarital affairs before we met. They don't love each other, don't sleep together and only agreed to stay together for their kids. but i thought their children were already adults, how come he stayed married to her for more than 20 years if that’s the case, however i just brushed it off my mind.
The stupid girl that i am, i held on to his promise of a happy life with him. the first two years was great, we were head over heels each other, as if we would stay that way till we die.
however, on the course of the relationship i've started discovering things that gave me second thoughts of spending my life with him. i noticed he is a manipulator and control freak. Since we seldom see each other he would want to know my daily whereabouts, who i'm with, the places where i go.
i noticed too that he is the extremely jealous type of person. if i don't answer his calls or reply his text messages right away he would accuse me of fooling around or fucking every tom, dick and harry in town. this would start big fights. during these fights he would either threaten me that he'll commit suicide, or tell my family and friends about us, or publish our photos in networking sites. then, after these big fights we would make amends and go back to honeymoon stage: apologies, gifts, sweet, hollow promises. the cycle just goes on. this went on for 6 years.
by the way, these fights usually occur thru texting since we seldom see each other. i must say fighting this way is much more difficult than doing it in person because you don't know if the person is just toying with your emotions.
so there, i discovered he is an expert manipulator, mind controller, and a big liar, contrary to how the public and his friends have known him to be a good man. no one would suspect he is capable of such psychological abuse.
most of the time he would refer his wife as his biggest enemy, the person he hates most. but this was a big question to me since in the 6 years of our relationship he never really left her. this question was answered when i noticed he posted her latest birthday pictures on his netwoking site. I confronted him about this but he just gave me lies and lame excuses. then it hit me! i just wasted the most precious 6 years of my life when i could have found a single, available man just because i held on to an empty promise! all just because i've been so stupid and let my self be victimized.
a couple of months ago i summoned all my courage to break free from this relationship, though i tried countless times before but he just goes berserk. i wanted to bring back my life. all those years of emotional battering in that relationship just chipped my self-esteem into bits.
of course he didn't accept my decision, to him the relationship isn't over yet. he would stalk me everyday from work to where i live. he would incessantly text and call me and threaten me that he haunt down any guy connected with me and will reveal everything about us just to prove his love is real. i think he is going insane. although i still care for him, my fear for my life and safety is stronger than giving him another chance. i feel that my sanity and my life is at stake in this abusive relationship.
i want to file a case against him on violence against women to stop this abuse.
by the way, he thinks that he has an important role in the society since he is a public figure, a political adviser, etc., etc. maybe that's the reason why he hasn't ended his marriage yet, to keep a front of a perfectly happy family. or maybe he is simply who he is, a sociopath who would love to abuse women with low self-esteem.
that is why i said your case is better off than mine. if you really think that ending your relationship with a married man is difficult because you're still in love with him, there is nothing more difficult than trying to end it to escape an abuse. you're still lucky.
right now i'm trying to hold on to the truth that i can do this and i'll get out of this alive. maybe in the perfect time there will be that someone for me, but right now i just want to heal myself and try to bring back the old me that was lost because of this relationship.
to all the girls who share the same plight as i do, i wish you'd find peace and the right man who will truly love and care for you. we may be afraid of commitments or whatever reasons that got us into this, but at the end of the day deep in our hearts there is that one wish : for that man that is for us to keep, who will take care of us and not break our heart.
disill on December 02, 2011:
When u r married to someone who does not care, an illicit affair with another married person where it is going no where works for a while. But lack of places to go where u can be truly relaxed spoils it. It is different when u r in the twilight of life because there is no future anyway. Kids grown and flown nest. Don't want to rock the boat of familiarity and anyway can't afford to cut loose financially.
There is no guarantee of sexual side going well because without the blue pill men can be unable to perform at will anyway. There are not enough men around at this stage of life or at least ones that are attractive.
So women compromise. A last ditch chance before u r 2 old and no one finds you attractive. But it does hurt terribly as well. Especially when or if one partner dies and you find that as the married bit on the side you are no longer seen as partner material and unless u r prepared to cut your losses and go and try it out for real that u r dumped for a younger available partner. But they want u 2 be still on the scene for the same excitement even when they find a loving relationship but u can't hack that being second best. When they were with the original marriage you feel number one even though it is an illusion at the time that is what you want. And anyway in time when your looks completely go downhill then what
But when you have had nothing all your life something is better than nil. Yes it is a lack of self worth. But how does it feel to never feel anything
stacey on November 27, 2011:
I have had the unfortunate luck of having two men I did not know were married pursue me acutually 3 but did not get involved with the 3rd turns our they were dating other women to I somehow got everyone busted by accident beca i thought were. Single how could they have so much time to date so many people and they gave me there number I quit seeing them cause I found out I felt so bad I caused divorces and other women to hate them and I did not mean to I didn't know later one called me and wanted me to marry him I was like no way it is the worst thing that every happened to me everyone blamed it on me and it was not my fault it was his. Fault even girls said your mean he wants to be with you your cold hello he lies all the time and can't keep in his pants
111 on November 25, 2011:
There is really no gray line or anything in between. It's wrong no matter what the circumstances are. People who say they love those man whom them are having affairs with, but the reality is that they love the rush they get form having those relationships. In some twisted way they feel more special. On the nights where whose men come over to spend time with them versus staying home with their wives, makes them feel special or even better. It's like the drug. Some one even mentioned that as soon as the marriage ended and the wife was out of the picture, the affair no longer could exist.
I understand that we are all humans and make mistake and ultimately are just looking for someone to love us. But it is not right. My advice is that there are millions of single men out there, pick from them. The way I see it if the guy is still married he is not only cheating on his wife but also on the person whom he is having an affair with. women need to stop being available to guys like that and respect themselves more because those men are not doing it and are not worth your time.
Of course it might be fun and exciting, but it's not worth it.
Tonya on November 24, 2011:
Ask me a year ago today if I would have had an affair with a married man and I would have said He11 no! But ask me today and I would have to say I find myself in one now! How did it start? The same way any relationship starts, you talk, you flirt, you joke. Then it turns into playful touches and lustful looks. Then you kiss and the next thing you know your naked sweating panting and grinning ear to ear. I knew he was married from the day I met him. I knew I never intended to let it go this far either but it did. Then I never intended to let myself get emotional about this man but I have now! I find myself in love with this man and desperate for anytime I can get with him. I never wanted to be the "other woman". The one that society loves to hate! I thought that after a while I would grow tired of him and I could just walk away then, I never once thought I would fall in love! I don't trust him! He says he is in love with me and he wants to get a divorce, or he wishes he could go back in time and not get married at all, but I take everything he says with a grain of salt, but something inside me says He means it! He does love you! He wants YOU! and I find myself praying its true! I find myself hoping he will leave his wife for me! I have never felt love this strong before! I have never felt a connection to someone so strong I would be willing to give up my moral code. I don't want to be the one he sneaks phone calls too, I don't want to be the one he only kisses after his looking over his shoulder to make sure no one is around to see! I know this relationship isn't healthy and I know a lot of people will judge me in a bad light for it but I want to be the one he comes home to at night, the woman he introduces to his family. I want to be his world and that is what keeps me in this relationship. The way he makes me feel is enough to make me sacrifice my dignity and pride, and make me wait around for his phone calls. I don't want to end our affair because I know I will miss him very much and be very heartbroken but I know that I cannot wait for him forever!
Anonymous on November 21, 2011:
This article and reading the posts have really helped me. Today, I broke off a relationship with a married man after three months. I am hurting really bad and it's really painful. I am 21 and he is 34. I met him online (I know, not the smartest thing to do) and I have a boyfriend. For some reason I felt like I was missing something in my relationship and so I decided to start a relationship with a married man. I came to the realization that he wasn't going to leave his wife for me and in fact he told me he wasn't going`. How can I be so stupid?!? Of course, he wasn't going to leave his wife, they never do. I was living a dream that was unrealistic and very wrong. I feel horrible about what I have done. I feel bad that I cheated on my boyfriend and I feel sadness for ending the relationship with the married man. But I know it's the right thing to do and I don't want to be the one to ruin someone's marriage. I am so better than this. Like someone else said, we are all human and we make mistakes. We learn from them and we move on, hopefully for the better. My advice: never get involved with a married man. He won't leave his wife, even if he tells you that he loves you. It's not worth it. In the end, it will be very painful and you will only feel sadness. I'm in the hurting stage and I hope I can restore my relationship with my boyfriend. Good luck everyone.
Adrienne Farricelli (author) on November 21, 2011:
Karen, I wrote this article several years ago, and I am now a dog trainer. What surprised me is that a book I was studying about how to train dogs was explaining how addicting painful relationships are. You may say,''what does dog training have to do with relationships with married men?
Well the book explained how when you train a dog to learn a new trick you must give a treat every time the dog does it correctly. Then once the trick is known well, you start giving treats on a ''variable reinforcement'' schedule, which means you give a treat randomly, ever now and then. When dogs are put on this schedule, they are eager to perform because they never expect when the treat comes, just as people become addicted to playing at casino because they never know when they get the jackpot.
The book then went to explain this is also why painful relationships keep some people hooked. It is the ups and down of being leaved, and being taken back and the ups and downs of being told I love you, and then being told they would rather stay with their wife, that keeps women hooked. It is ultimately a form of manipulation, and I am not sure if the married man is aware of doing this or not, but regardless, this is why many women are addicted to painful relationship, they would go through hoops just for that little convincing word or other sign of love so badly craved...
I think the book was Karen Pryor's Don's shoot the dog'' but I am not positively sure..
Karen on November 21, 2011:
My daughter put me on an internet dating site, as she felt I needed to get out more. Im an articulate, attractive, confident woman, but with not many opportunities to met single men.
I was contacted by a man - no photograph on the site due to colleagues at work seeing him, and as he was the Director of the company it was inappropriate. He sent me photographs of himself - his profile said he was separated and was looking to date, but didn't want a want night stand and was looking for a relationship. We chatted on line for 2 months and then he asked me to lunch. Instant attraction!!! Then dinner, then days out. This went on for 5 months, I was totally in love with him and he told me he loved me. One day I got "that feeling - a niggle". To cut a long story short something didn't add up, I went on facebook, found his sons and then found his wife. I rang him, his phone was constantly switched off. I rang his office (he had given me too many details about his life) and spoke to his secretary - she told me he was on holiday with his family!!! but gave me his email address!!!! I emailed him and told him I knew about him. He instantly rang me begging for me not to tell his family - I thought he was going to have a heart attack. Stupidly I agreed to meet him, and it started again. Then he dumped me. Then we got back together. Then he dumped me again - he couldn't cope with the guild. Then we got back together and the signs are all here again - im going to get dumped. He's such a liar, but why oh why cant I walk away from this man. I know he's no good for me, all he does it make me feel fabulous and then makes me feel ill. He tells me he will never leave his wife of 25 years, he loves his family and wishes I would end this because he knows what he is doing is inherently wrong. What is wrong with me!!!!! All this is doing is upsetting me, and making me ill.
pascal on November 18, 2011:
I have a lover, which I just start dating, while I am married. I do pay her bills, education and more. The reason why I started this, is because my wife cannot give ME what I need. Since day 1 of our marriage, she always had an excuse not to be intimite with me, kiss me or be close to me. She had an affair herself behind my back and behaved like a slut, doing all things with this man and his friends, that I only can dream off. He dumped her and she came back to me. I took her back with the promise, she would grow closer to me, more intimate to be togeteher, more kissing, more feeling closer. I mentioned for the last 5 years about this, now she went into religion and thinks about to become a nun. Sex we almost do not have lets stand kissing. To go out she does not want to do anymore. I do love my wife, but I need to have love back too. I am not going to wait forever until she is ready to give it. Somebody else is willing to give it to me now, so I take it, before I am to old and never know how to live a life without being actually truly fully loved. I have children with my wife, so that is a reason to stay. Just an opinion of a married man who has an affair.
joanne on November 13, 2011:
i am seeing a married man but his wife left him in august this year am i doing the wrong thing
JennGP on November 03, 2011:
I guess mine is a little different -- I was able to talk to family and friends and get spmpathy and my married man did leave his wife and we are very happily together. I have to disagree with the once a cheater always a cheater thing - I've cheated in past relationships but can safely say I would not cheat in this one and I trust him 100% -- safe to say not every relationship/affair is the same
JennGP on November 03, 2011:
I guess mine is a little different -- I was able to talk to family and friends and get spmpathy and my married man did leave his wife and we are very happily together. I have to disagree with the once a cheater always a cheater thing - I've cheated in past relationships but can safely say I would not cheat in this one and I trust him 100% -- safe to say not every relationship/affair is the same
Confusedjello on November 01, 2011:
Lol its a blog....when you have troubling things on your mind, puctuation, sentence structure, and commas are the last thing on your mind.
Unreal on October 31, 2011:
Jeez can anyone here write in any kind of proper of even legible manner at all?
How about some punctuation, correct spellings here and
maybe divide some things into paragraphs?
Wow. I can only imagine what your "boyfriends" think of the amount of class and intellect you do (not) posses.
If you carry yourselves in any way similar to they way you write I think I have an idea.
Teardrop on October 20, 2011:
To Julie, He wants to be your hero, but he feels you are so strong by yourself. If you want to work it out with him, make it clear to him that you need him to be a father and that you will respect that and tell him other ways in which he can be your hero. Then again, you gotta think whether you want to continue with him or not. Maybe you need to communicate with him. No touching, just talking. Or... maybe you need a man who is confident enough not to feel emasculated by a successful woman. You have to figure this out. Read up on feminism, etc. I am not the best to give advice as I hate how women keep themselves down just to please men. Men just need to step up their game or realize that women can have lots to offer. I hate how men tend to make some women into just a 'hot piece of *ss' when she can be intelligent and talented. They can't handle that. They want to make us less than we are, it's a form of dominant behavior. Men want to dominate, it's kind of a need for them. I find it hard to deal with, simply because I refuse to be led by a man who makes stupid decisions. I feel like I need to take charge if they aren't smart enough. But I like it when a man is dominant in the bedroom or when he can physically protect me. Many guys use sex to feel superior or to feel dominant, especially the ones that struggle with their careers. I am currently with a very successful career guy, which can be nice. They have less of a need to prove themselves, but they get overworked and stressed. The one I cheated with has career troubles. He uses sex as an escape and to feed his fragile ego. He can't go to his wife because he is afraid she will butcher him once he is honest about himself. He can't tell her he needs more sex or needs more from her, because he feels like she is too good for him. He acts disrespectful in regards to her, but only behind her back. She won't ever let him be dominant cause she is afraid he will be disrespectful. She once told me she wants to love him the way he is, but there is a big part of him that she does not know and I do. They are both keeping up their theater show and perhaps even finding happiness together. He was my friend and I saw he was struggling. I wanted to help him out and I read him wrong. Once I realized I was nothing but an enabler and I wasn't helping him grow spirituality, I felt really bad. Now she doesn't even know what happened, even though she wanted to know. She can't help him either, because he lied to her and won't tell the truth about his struggles. Sad, isn't it? I think that sometimes, for a marriage, it can be good when the reality of an affair is on the table because it can propel 2 people to cut through the illusions and get real. If 2 people truly love each other, they can work it out if they really want to. It depends. Would I do it? No, I would dump a guy who would cheat on me. For me, that would be too hard to deal with and having been 'the other woman' I know all too well just how careless some of these men can be. Most of the time I was the one to make sure we did not get caught. It seemed like he did not care about her when he was horny and his guilt trips did not last long. I think some of these men have issues that stem from their childhood and only if a guy was willing to do the work, would I forgive them. Most guys really don't want to do the work and if you forgive them, they basically got away with it and lose respect for you.
Teardrop on October 20, 2011:
I can call him anytime... have him come over or meet at one of our secret spots, but I won't. It's too frustrating. He will still be going home to her, holding her, eating with her, talking about having babies. I am not calling him. I won't be this guys free whore and I won't make his marriage more bearable by providing that little extra excitement. He is the most attractive guy ever, but I am staying strong. If that bitch knew me, she would probably not see me as her enemy cause there are worse women to have as 'the other woman'. I haven't touched him or called him for months. He got addicted to me and she almost found out as he wasn't very careful (men think with the wrong head). Maybe I should have pushed more, but now she is still in ignorant bliss. Happily ever after. Compassionate people finish last. But then again, why would I want a guy like that? I often wondered how he could cheat on her. It seems he doesn't miss out on a whole lot at home. If she would know it would break her heart and she might have me killed. I would be 'the slut homewrecker' when he is the slut and the seducer. He has a porn addiction she probably does not know about. I'm keeping my mouth shut. I'm so tired of women getting all the blame. They say 'go find your own man', but there aren't a lot of good men around. A lot of women are lonely or have bad experiences with relationships. I did what I did and tried to make sure she did not find out, but it's always hard as you get so tired of sneaking around and lying. I couldn't do it anymore. What did she ever do to me? Well she was kind of a bitch, but this wasn't about her. I just loved that guy who happened to be with her. He wanted me too. I lost a friend. I was just lonely and bruised by former loves and I am working on that now. I'm still not calling him, even though I could have him sexually any day. Not gonna call him. Another victory. *High five*
Teardrop on October 20, 2011:
To Julie, I think you 2 have a chance. Go into counseling. It seems that he struggled with some issues regarding his self worth. You can get a divorce and start over and remarry for instance, or you can not get a divorce. From what I can tell he just feels not enough. You don't have to dumb yourself down or make yourself less successful, but you gotta think if you really love him or if perhaps you can do better. Sounds like you are a pretty successful person and maybe what you need is an equally successful man or a man who can handle not being the most successful. In Sweden, a lot of women have careers and the men take care of the kids. Being with a successful man in my opinion isn't always great as they are usually overworked and stressed out. So basically, since you are making enough money, a guy who makes less money would not be a problem and actually would be nice. But he needs to feel significant and needed, like a man. He needs to feel like he has something to offer you. This isn't your fault but I think perhaps it's not too late. You gotta be clear though and tell him you want him too, but that he can't touch you if he isn't going to be around for you. Act a little more needy and show him you need him. Then again, perhaps he is just a moron like most guys. It's all about them. Just like little kids. Good luck!
shivangi mishra on October 19, 2011:
I am also having a afair with a married man he loves me a lot and i love him also so much and now his wife is wife is know about aur realtionship but i cant without him i love him a lot i don't know how to solve this problam . But she still didn't know who is the girl who is having afair with my Husband .PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTION HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM WITHOUT ANY DISADVANTEGE I WANT SHE| ME |AND MY BOYFRIEND WE WILL LEAVE HAPPY TOGETHER.
Julie on October 16, 2011:
My husband cheated on me and less than a week after I found the emails I moved out. He told the other women he loved her and would marry her all while he didn't want a divorce from me, and this is within a 2 months of sleeping together. I believe he is not longer with her. I'm now on my own with my kids and can manage financially on my own, however he wants to continue to pay my bills, have phone conversations and touch me or talk when he comes and picks our kids up. He never fought for the marriage but rather just gave up and stated that I was to much women for him, as I am much more successful. Through this he also states that he loves me, worries about me and will always love me. I'm really confused and want to file for a divorce but I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts?
Confusedjello on October 15, 2011:
Some body please help me,i have no will power. This married man just told me he wants me omg I want him too so much. I feel beyond terrible but we have to much history and to much in common to just let go, know I have a fiancé who i love and don't want to hurt I knew this would happen.....why did I let it get ethos far(innocent texting turned into sexting, and phone sex). He is all I think about I mean right now im laying next to my fiancé thinking about another womans husband, I may just have to do something I probably will regret. Somebody please..i don't want to hurt any one.
kiwi75 on October 15, 2011:
Unknown... I just want to enlighten you that you don't know how that married man's wife treated him. People make up all kinds of excuses to justify inappropriate decisions.
Teardrop on October 15, 2011:
I ended it a few months ago. I did not waste too much time in this toxic relationship with a very attractive, nice man who is now married. It hurts like hell and I really cared so much about him, still do. I cut him out of my life and I do miss him every day. I do cry every day and am very depressed, getting better slowly. I am determined to recover. I am proud of myself, even though it hurts like hell. I just feel like I will never meet a man like that again and it's even worse that he wasn't married when I met him. He had been with her for many years and had proposed to her. I did not have all those years of time to spend with him. He always protected himself as he was very worried he would be torn apart. I ended yup feeling so terrible, I am really glad I ended it. I deserve better and so does everyone involved. My broken heart was worth it, but I think this will take a long, long, long time to heal. It's irrational, but I really hate him now. Damn taken men flirting cheaters! They should leave us alone and stop flirting, stop trying. Women are the ones to get a bad rep, but it's these men that chase us when we are feeling lonely or when we are new in town. They are just predators and they don't care if they break your heart. I believed his BS for one second, gave him a chance, but I dumped him so hard when he messed up. I'm out of his life for good and I am sure it happened so fast, his head is still spinning. He chose that woman, let him find happiness with her and LEAVE ME ALONE.
Gillian Smith from Wales on October 14, 2011:
Not all married men who have affairs are bad.
It is possible to fall in love with someone else
married women have affairs too
We are but human
ProDigit on October 13, 2011:
Thank you so much!
From a married man's perspective, this is so enlightening and freeing! I am married, but a woman in my job fell in love with me, she's very pretty too!
In all honesty, I just want her for a quick sex get together, but don't want to pursue a relationship with her.
But the closer I get to her, the more I love her, the less I love my wife.
Seeing, that I actually am hurting her, makes things easier for me to take a step back! I don't want to hurt her, just give her a way out for her passions, without having to deal with a real relationship. Perhaps this is wrong thinking from our part. But when I see a single, desiring woman, I want to fulfill her needs. Unfortunately her needs are not only sexual, but also relational, and that's a border I can not afford to cross!
B on October 12, 2011:
I wonder what my Dad was thinking about when he cheated on my Mom...I don't know if i should be sympathize with these women or scratch their eyes out. My sister has a friend, who's sleeping with a married man. and she actually had the balls to talk to my sister about how hard it was dating a married man. if a girl ever said that i would attack her. Frustration from never getting to punch the homewrecker that came and went from our lives.
Men if you want to have casual sex pretend you're married. Apparently a lot of chicks dig that.
confusedjello from arizona on October 11, 2011:
Steph you are so right and i know that, il just keep my thoughts about him to myself because really i would hate to be in his wife's shoes. i told someone and she told me its just as bad to even want to want him, but hey im human and we have this attraction and though it should go away because we both are in relationships it just doesn't happen that way. but...Im going to exercise some strength and sense. although he seems to be all i ever think about.
EF on October 11, 2011:
Steph, this really brings it home for me. I have been with a married man for 5 months. i broke it off last week. Just couldn't be the other woman anymore. He told me he loved me but like you said, what married man would be with me then go home and carry on as if everything was normal. I know we had chemistry, but true love. NO. I was used, it is as simple as that. Thank you for opening my eyes. I am very sad but life goes on.
Steph on October 09, 2011:
I'm not with a married man, nor will I ever be.
But think ladies!
How can you be with someone, when they're so easily doing that to their wives! Think about it, they go home to them, after they've just been with you, and lie straight to their face, and feed them lies as to where they've been. Then they may do the usual things with the wife, and it means nothing!
Why would you want to be with someone who is so dishonest? Who is such an animal? It's disgusting.. And if you ladies are doing the same thing, that is no way to treat your husband! Someone you said you would spend the rest of your life with. Do the right thing by it, and if you want this other man, then end it with your current relationship, and see if the married man will do the same, otherwise it will never end well, and people will always get lied to.. your whole relationship has been a lie, and the person who is the loyal one in the relationship, doesn't deserve to be lied to!
I mean.. C'mon girls! You're better than that.
confusedjello from arizona on October 07, 2011:
PLEASE give me your honest opinions and feelings....they are greatly needed and will be deeply appreciated!.....
A few weeks ago i ran into a guy i dated 10 years ago, i was 16 and he 18 then. we went to the same church and families were friends, he was my first sexual experience. we dated for the whole summer thru winter of 2001 and in early 2002 he moved to a city like 2 hours away. I kept in touch with him here and there and his younger brother came back to the city to go to college and we would hang out often. The guy I dated went into the service and served a few years over seas. when he was done with his first tour he relocated with friends to a different state. He met some one had a baby and got married. so a couple weeks ago i ran into him soooo unexpectantly! I did not even recognize him heck i didn't even know he was back in our city since its been a while talking to his brother. we exchanged numbers and texted a few times but nothing serious. now a few days ago he said that he was in the area where i worked and wanted to get lunch..we did and ended up talking in the restaurant for hours him complementing me on how awesome i turned out(college,career, ect) and even took a walk around that neighborhood before we went our separate ways. In our conversation there was no inappropriate talk of any kind, we didn't even bring up our old hay day.
Then that same night he texted me and said he enjoyed my company and to text him AnyTime and we could do drinks or lunch again.....Now yes he is married and i am engaged, I LOVE my Fiancé and things are great but i find my self thinking of him in a sexual manner alll the time even last night making love to my fiancé which is always great! Im not falling in love, i don't want him to leave his wife and kid, i don't want to hurt or leave my man and am not going to, but i find myself wanting to have inappropriate sexual talk and texts and gets mad when he doesn't text me back right away, then just earlier texting him he has in no way but jokingly asked if i was coming on to him because of a joke one of us had made, and of course i said no but maybe i really was unconsciously.
I know that this is just all in my head i don't want to hurt anybody i know this is wrong and don't want to put myself in a stupid situation. Hell he might totally be shocked by my feelings and i don't want to embarrass anyone but i know this man and given the opportunity we both would go for it, i know neither one of us would leave what we have with our spouses but could we carry on a sexual relationship if neither one of us would want more than sex and could be done so very discreetly????????
Laser on October 06, 2011:
I met someone who I did not know was married when I was 21 and he was 8 year older. When I found out he was married, and I told him that this was inappropriate to have a relationship, he told me his wife was incapable of loving him but he would not leave her unless she found someone to love her. They are totally incompatible and he has stayed to be responsible and to look good in the eyes of his family and company. He is very wealthy and the CEO of several companies. I left the country after 3 years to work overseas and got married as I wanted to have children and to be married. My marriage was great until my husband started abusing me both physically and emotionally. And, although I am a strong Christian and I forgave him after attending counseling by myself, seeing a minister for additional counseling, talking to his family, even having him arrested...it hurt me so much that I called my former friend in 2003 to see if all men were the same and we instantly fell in love again...and now we have seen each other repeatedly for the past 8 years...even though I know he will never leave his wife and our families have done many things together over the years...I see that she is lifeless...she is manic depressive and bipolar. He told me that he married her as he took her out on a dare and she thought she was pregnant so they planned a wedding...and then she found out she was not. They decided to get married anyway and they married quite young. She had very few qualities that he was looking for...and it baffles me to this day how he could have selected her and gotten married, and stayed married this long...41 years....he was very busy in his career, travelling to other countries with his 4 company headquarters and his larger extended family...he tells me there is no connection with him wife at all and I know that she is very very dull...they are polar opposites and he tells me that he is so attracted to me and turned on by me...and when I read anything about soulmates or true love or elements of love, all of the characteristics and elements are there 100% between us. We have so much fun doing anything...our communication is so open and free and continuous...we laugh and understand each other without talking...our interests in outdoors, nature, sailing and other sports, families and people, learning and values and life are the same...when he touches me I can feel it for months...I still remember what it felt when he kissed me the first time and when he held my hand and let go after spending a long weekend together...and his voice makes me cry and his wisdom makes me think...I have tried to stop this relationship over and over again, now knowing him for 35 years...but I am better off with him despite the heartache...some nights I weep for him...I can see him in my dreams during the day and night and some days I think of him all day long. He feels the same about me...I can see it in his eyes and his longing...I don't know what will become of our relationship...I know in the eyes of God that it is wrong...and despite forgiving my husband for the abuse...and despite my husband loving me and I him, it is not the same type of love and intensity I feel for my married lover/friend. Somedays I wish I were stronger and I would just walk away from it...but it has made me a better person to my husband and others...I am just writing this so you know, too, that I can understand what some of you are going through and that I, too, wish I could have met him when he was single and we could have married...he has told me from the start he wished he could have married me...I was left with no option but to find another person to marry. If my husband was not abusive I think that I would not have called my married friend. Now, every day, I hope he calls or emails or we plan to meet despite our geographical distance of 3 hours...physically he is not well not having had a lung transplant..he can not drive and this had made our meetings difficult...he sleeps alot and takes depression medicine...I, too, wonder why this had happened to me and if this will continue the rest of our lives....if I could marry him someday and live one day with him in the "open" it would be the happiest day of my life....how sad to be married to someone else and truly to be in love with someone you can not spend the rest of your life with...
fallen angel on October 05, 2011:
I have strong feelings for a man who told me he loves me so many times.. i know that he got kids and a wife but he said that they were legally separated. I don't really understand what that means.. is it over between them? He also told me that if we met in a different time we would be perfect for eachother. he said his kids are his priority. we been together for couple months now and now he traveled back home.. we send emails to eachother well i send him emails obsessively he replies to them once he gets a chance. i asked for his number he says he does not have a phone until now. i want this guy in my life although i know if there was a future for us i would not be happy because he already has a family. I am so confused i don't want to let go although i know i should.. what do i do?
unknown on October 05, 2011:
I can't even find a never married man that will commit.
I definitely don't want to be the other woman.
I don't even care about dating anymore. People play too many games today.
Screw it! I'm staying single! Relationships with the opposite sex always wind up being a waste of time.
miss unknown on October 03, 2011:
I have been having an affair with a married man for the past year and we have had ups and downs and still made it through at the point he told one of my friends that he loves me and didn't want to lose me and i believe him now hes left his wife and just waiting for a divorce but to be completely honest she treated him like dirt, we are planning things now and i do believe they will happen people fall in and out of love really easily so if it happens don't regret it i certianly wont there is a reason for everything
tatoo on October 03, 2011:
falling love with any type of people whether married or unmarried is not bad but the way of showing love is bad. one who is falling love wid married man have to know their limitation...to give love n respect is not worse things but to cross the limit is most worse things.so don't make ur love impure by involving in disgusting activities.....
vicki cole on October 01, 2011:
it is so sad that people act this way, life is so short,the lonely person needs to get help !!!!
june olding on October 01, 2011:
My husband was on fifty dating sites he would never end our marriage. We have been married for over twenty five years and we still have sex all the time. I know he lives a stressful life and travels in his job. I have forgiven him many times. I can truly tell you woman out there that these man are only in breach of their own trust.
These men are lonely inside and it doesn't start with the wife it usually starts from childhood. If you wish to be HURT AND MY QUOTE OF THE WORD HURT IS "HELL U REALLY TRIED" TO HURT SOMEONE. MOST WIVES EXCEPT THESE MEN FOR JUST WHO THEY ARE CHEATERS and sad part is the fool who cheats with them except them too who wins no one.
Ladies there is another letter that tells be a real wife find someone better life is to short to be USED AND DEGRADED AT SOMEONE ELSE'S WILL AND INTENT TO HURT.
Tracey on September 30, 2011:
it's very easy to judge people for having affairs, but we are all human and all have needs that we want to be met. Having an affair is not morally right but sometimes it helps people at that point in time. I think usually the affair that there is something already wrong with the marriage, not the affair makes something wrong in the marriage. sometimes we are no longer compatible with the person we are with, people change over time and marriages become unhappy, but it's difficult when you have commitments and responsibilities such as children and mortgages etc. lets not judge but try to understand the pain all people experience in relationships....by all I mean the married man, wife and other woman!
the involuntary mistress on September 30, 2011:
married men who lie r lucky that crimes of passion aren't legal.....
the involuntary mistress on September 30, 2011:
I was dating a guy for 9mths then found out he was married. of course my feelings are involved because he presented his self to be single as in never been married. I've never dated a married man before never would have started this knowing he was married. I called it off but I still miss him and Istill love him.
TR on September 30, 2011:
The sheer number of responses would indicate that this is and will always be a struggle for us if we do not turn to God and ask for his help. I fell in love with a married man at work and the feeling was mutual. We were both married at the time (I am now seeking a divorce) and have children between us. The work environment is so dangerous and 'ripe' for emotional and sexual affairs to occur. We both regret getting emotionally attached to each other and now understand that it happened because our emotional needs were not being met at home. We were both in long term marriages (10 and 15 years)and it's human nature to find someone of the opposite sex attractive, but if you don't address what is missing in your married lives it will begin to interfere in your lives and cause great pain to innocent people. Just try and put yourselves in the wife's shoes (and the children) and *feel* what type of pain you will be causing them. Who deserves that? Karma is a fact of life and you will reap what you sow. My emotional affair partner left the company because he feared our emotional relationship would turn into a sexual one. I can't blame him for leaving and as much as I was (and still am) in love with him I was relieved that he decided to leave the company. I'm sad now because I lost a really good friend because I was selfish and not obeying God (Proverbs 16:9). Even though at the time I was the happiest person on earth it was all a delusion. I'm paying the price for it now with my heartache and I hope this will help others to decide to end their affairs and get right with God. Please remember this: Obedience gives birth to the blessings in your life but sin *blocks* the blessings in your life.
harshi on September 29, 2011:
i am in love with a married man..he has a daughter and a wife..dunno whwre are relationship is going..i don't c a future..n i cant evn live without him...in pains...:(
Twinkle469 on September 28, 2011:
I have been involved with a married man for a few months. Friends with him and his wife for over a year. I am not the type of person that would ever do this but i knew from the start we did have a connection, i just knew i would never have acted on it. now we are close and do get along very well and can tell one another everything. he loves his wife, doesn't intend to leave her. he started the conversation to start this affair. we are in love with one another. he is very truthful with me, actually he is just like me and i am just like him. right now i am going through a divorse of my own so i don't want to be in a relationship right now so this works for me. i have to expectations for him to leave his wife for me. we do have talks about if he did and what it would be like if we were together openly. i feel like this is not your average affair.the things he says to me and the way ge makes me feel is like no other. if we were to end our relationship he says we would be friends forever. in the beginning, we never intended on falling in love with one another and we talked about how it would end when i wanted to start dating. and we would still hangout and be friends. I have never felt the way i feel about him about anyone else. we talk everyday, emails, msging, and we see each other at least once a week, some weeks more times. we have so many things in common its scary. i don't even look at him as a liar or cheater. i look at him as someone who has needs and has tried to work them out it just doesn't get resolved. I have never trusted anyone like i trust him. I knew when this started that it was wrong and i should say no way.. but my heart was trelling me something else. I will update what happens.
SingleGirl on September 23, 2011:
I never thought for a moment that I would fall for a married man, but after my divorce I was alone with my child and went into all kinds of alternative dating modes. I was looking for happiness, but in the wrong place. Unfortunately if you are left with a child, it is very difficult to find happiness, and the release I found was fleeting in ultimately unfulfilling. I feel that there is a masochistic streak, since clearly my caring feelings over compensated for his problems! But I got annoyed as it all petered out and eventually a round robin Christmas email with me as a recipient among lots of his acquaintences rang bells and made me so mad I just couldn't stand being treated in such a removed way. He probably didn't realise how I had felt and the depth of my feelings, which I still feel, annoyingly, but his ego couldn't take my critiscm and we are now out of touch. Very, very difficlt period of my life.
philipandrews188 on September 17, 2011:
I hate third parties.
Ellie King on September 14, 2011:
Hello Everyone: I just sat here for the last hour reading all your post. Wow! I did not realize there are so many women out there intangled in affairs with married men. I completely understand what's going on because I have been on all sides of the fence. First, I want to say that most sexy, fun, exciting relationships are based on "chemistry." Some people are just plain "attracted" to each other. It is mostly physical and becomes an emotional attachment. But, "Love," we use that word to lightly. It's rare. It's serious. It's complicated. In the Greek it has four names: Agape, which is unconditional love like God's love for us. Philia or Familio, love for our families and love for our friends. Storge, which is affectionate, like a parent for a child and a child for their parents. And, then the biggy. Eros or Erotas..It's intimate, but not necessarily sexual. It's passionate, sensual and has desire and longing. I have been fortunate to experience all of it, thank God. The second point I would like to make is about Western Culture. We are one of a very few countries that has this problem. Other than a few religions who practice polygamy, other cultures, such as SOME in Africa still have plural marriages. It works very well, there are rules and responsibilities and the men usually don't cheat. In SOME Latin cultures, it is well known that men have other women. And, there other women have other men. I don't know about Russia, China, Japan. Of course in the Middle East, you just get killed if you have sex period. (exaggerated of course). Okay, my last point is what "one" woman can keep any man satisfied and happy. And, what one "man" can really keep a woman interested, excited, satisfied for years, and years and years. In the sixties, there were all kinds of marriages and some of them worked. Of course now days you need to be careful having multiple sex partners becuase HIV, Clamidia or other STD's. I personally have a wonderful husband, who I love dearly. But, I also have male and female friends that I love "deeply" in many ways and depend on to love me back. So, I don't know about all you people in pain and livin your life so miserably. My old aunt once told me, Honey, "don't put all your eggs in one basket." Remember ladies, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Nuf Said?
kiwi75 on September 13, 2011:
So confused, you really are confused. I don't mean to be blunt but, i'm gonna keep it real... you just stated that you left your married cheater because you can not play second to his mistress. As a married woman, you know how that feels so y would you in return do the same to another woman who is married. Why do you need confirmation from your friends when you already know the answer; the reason they are saying do what you want because they know it wouldn't be right either and as your friend they don't want to hurt your feelings. Do unto others what you would have thenm do unto you. When that MARRIED man was hugging you, you knew that was out of line. Again, "you stated" that it felt wrong. So if you know it's wrong then why do it. I've heard many of these mistresses using excuses of fornicating with a married man, it's wrong. HE IS PLAYING YOU AND THE WIFE BUT MORESO YOU (MISTRESS)because A MAN WILL NOT LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR ANOTHER WOMAN IF HE LEAVES IT IS BECAUSE THE MARRIAGE IS ALREADY OVER DUE TO OTHER ISSUES. Probaly for cheating because TRUSt, this is not the first time that he has done this and the wife is probaly tired. Furthermore, a woman who messes around with a married man is insecure because if you are not then you would know that YOU CAN FIND YOUR OWN MAN INSTEAD OF MESSING WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S. ALSO WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND IF HE DID IT TO HIS WIFE WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU ARE DIFFERENT. (mEN will say anything to get what they want, you don't know the wife at all) THE ONLY WAY MEN WILL STOP THIS MADNESS IF WOMEN STOP ALLOWING THEM TO GET AWAY WITH IT. He can't cheat if there is no one to cheat with. Think about it...
Rambling Rose on September 11, 2011:
I called his wife after we were broken up. Yes, it is true, you will get no sympathy from friends, etc. However, what you felt based on what you experienced, are still your feelings. The emptiness that followed was hard to distinguish between grief, hate, love, and wanting him back. After waiting a year and talking to the x-boyfriend "married man." I had some "resolve" to get. After speaking with a trusted friend, I called the wife. It didn't happen immediately. I kept hanging up and didn't have the nerve, because I was still in love with him. However, he was going to walk away, just because he was married? He lied to "hook" me and sadly I took. He needed to take responsibility for his actions. Anyhow, it wasn't easy calling the wife... would she believe me or hang up. Anyhow, she listened... the main reason I called was to totally end this. Meaning, he would never come back into my life with his web of lies and deceit. Now, that the wife knew, he would permenantly stay away. Men like him, have a way of coming and going ... and the woman must be strong at all times. I saw it in the past with his behavior.
Two years later, I hear the "married couple" is divorced. I'm surprised... was I the only one? I doubt. This man dated and slept with other women. I wasn't the only one. The wife had other stuff on him. However, married man blames me. People think it's all cut and dry... "don't date a married man. Period." Sure, then don't pick up that bottle of beer or vodka... it's all addiction. It's not about him wanting to marrry me or leave her back then, this relationship gets nasty. No one wins, and the woman on the side, is the last one. However, this type of relationship will continue. And seriously, this man didn't just wake up one morning and say, I'm going to cheat. There were problems in the marriage, honestly, problems with the "married man" way before a single woman decided to sleep with him.
Bonnie & Clyde on September 11, 2011:
I never thought I would date or sleep with a married man. He was always off limit... no exceptions. However, I met John, and I was immediately attracted to him. He acted single and was on a boat with friends... like a summer party boat that goes around the harbor. The first night, we went home and didn't hit it off sexually. He asked me for my number and then left in the morning. I didn't think I would hear from him. However, his stories went from I'm divorced to she left me. The kids ages were wrong and so forth. I didn't find out the truth until two months later. Well, the relationship with its ups and downs lasted 5 years.
So confused on September 11, 2011:
I just got out of a marriage that ended because he cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend from long ago. Of course, I was made out to be the bad one who left him. I just couldn't be second to someone else, and decided it was better for me and our kids to leave.
Since leaving, I have been doing everything I can to better my life and I haven't even been worried about a relationship.
Then last week a married man who has been a friend for several months started showing interest in dating me. When I first met him, he never mentioned being married, but like I said, I was never interested in a relationship since I had just left my husband. In the months since I met him, we were just friends and always talked in a professional manner. Last week he came to see me and he gave me an extra long hug since there was no one else around. Since I know he is married, I started getting scared because I knew it was wrong. The next day he came back and hugged me again, and even though the feeling of it being wrong was still there, I didn't push him away. I just wanted to feel something again, and be wanted.I know that I can't pursue a relationship with him, but I do wish to remain friends. He really is a good friend and I just think we are both at confusing times in our lives. There is part of me that would want a relationship with him, but being the one who was cheated on in my marriage, I know that it will only lead to a bad situation for both of us.
I have asked advice from two people and they both said I should go for what I want, but I know that what I really want is someone I can trust and who can be honest with me.
This is not the first time a married man has pursued me, but I was married then and stuck to my vows. I know that even though it feels good to be attractive to someone again and just be held for a little while, it won't be worth it in the end. It is still hard to let go of that feeling though. Just the feeling of being wanted. Even though nothing else has happened, I find myself looking for him to come by to see me again.
Also, any single guys don't seem to want anything to do with me. I am pretty shy, and I know I am not the most attractive girl in the world, so I have just just decided to deal with it and not try to be someone I am not. And now this comes along and changes how I feel about everything. I really wish I could change how I feel and shut off my emotions since I know that is the best thing in the long run. Another thing is that part of me wonders if he is just looking for a way out of his marriage. I really don't know what to do. Even though I know it is not the right thing, it is still hard not to feel this way. What should I do?