Frustrations With Husband's Ex-Wife
If you are married to a man who was once married and has children with his ex-wife, or if your husband has a "baby mama," then you may relate to this kind of "baby mama drama."
First, I'd like to make it clear that I don't believe that all exes are "crazy," or any other similar word, for that matter. I'm also an ex. I also realize that some may say, "You knew he had an ex and that you were going to have to deal with this. You knew what you were getting into," and so on. Well, to a point, this is true, but let me just say that things were fine before we got married. It was not until after we said our "I do's" that things with the ex started to get crazy.
Unfortunately, I don't know if this information will actually help anyone who may be in a similar situation, but this was a good way for me to vent out my frustrations, and I would like to invite anyone else who would like to vent theirs to feel free to leave a comment.
Meeting Husband's Ex-Wife
My husband and I have been together for almost five years (married for four). He has three children with his ex, ranging in ages from 8 to 12. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, who is 11. We also have two sons together, an eight-year-old and a three-year-old.
This woman (his ex) is unbelievable! I think she may be bipolar, psychotic, or something of that nature. When I first met her, it was okay. We were pleasant to each other. She also once told me in an email that she "liked and respected" me.
The pleasantness that I displayed was:
1) for the sake of the children;
2) to help prevent her from giving my husband problems in seeing his children; and
3) just because I had no personal reasons not to be pleasant (at first).
I'm still unsure of her motive in being pleasant with me. At first I thought that maybe it was genuine, but after a while, I began to wonder.
Things were okay in the beginning. My husband was able to see his kids without problems. We would have them at least every other weekend. Sometimes we would have them every weekend for several weeks in a row and sometimes during the summer when school was out we would have them for 3-4 days at a time. Because my husband was working and I had just had a baby and was pregnant again, I wasn't working. Sometimes it was just me with all the kids for several hours. It wasn't always easy taking care of five kids, ages 0-9, while being pregnant. I didn't mind much though because he has awesome kids. His oldest daughter and my daughter love to help out with the baby.
I guess I will just cut to the chase and start with the first events that took place. I could go on forever about the first year and a half.
Major Conflict With Husband's Ex-Wife
As I said, things were decent for a while. She and my husband got along at first, but I have since learned that she is the type of woman who only does things for other people if she's getting something in return. It's her way or no way. If it doesn't benefit her, then it's not worth it to her. She's the most selfish, spoiled brat I have ever met in my entire life! But it was always okay for her to call my husband anytime she needed something. Once, she called because something was wrong with her plumbing. Another time, she called him because she was having issues with her "boyfriend of the week." It was as if any little thing happened and my husband was the first person she would call! "Oh, you're at work and 45 minutes away from my house? But my car battery is dead and I need a jump. So, why can't you help me?" What?! Like this chick doesn't have neighbors or something?? Please!!
Things Start to Go Sour
Now for the first "event" that completely soured our relationship.
First, let me say that we continuously did favors for her, mostly to stay in her good graces for the sake of my husband and the kids. You could listen to the following story and say, "So what? Why was it HER problem?" But keep in mind that we were mostly upset because we constantly went out of our way for her and she couldn't do this one little thing to make things easier for us this time.
I had all of the kids. My husband was at work. I was pregnant and started not feeling well. My husband called his ex (this was about 9:00 in the morning) to ask her to come pick up the kids because I wasn't feeling well. (It wasn't his normal weekend with them in the first place.) She told him she would call him back. About an hour went by and she had not called him back. He called her again and this is what she said. Ready for this? She said that she would not pick up the kids because she couldn't find the au pair (for those who don't know what an au pair is, it's a live-in nanny). That's right, this spoiled brat had a live-in nanny. She said that it was the nanny's weekend off and that she had a bachelorette party to go to that night, so she would not be able to pick up her children.
Well, I was in a lot of pain (in my abdomen), so my husband called his mom to come watch all the kids. He took me to the emergency room. I was only six weeks pregnant at the time and we were worried that it may have been an ectopic pregnancy (which, obviously now, it wasn't).
The next day, she sent him a text message asking how I was. Being pissed about the events the day before, he answered her text message with something like, "What do you care?" This started and huge texting war. She took a lot of shots at him, calling him things and saying things.
She had been hot and cold the whole time I had known her and I had been biting my tongue for long enough. I was sick of it! Plus my hormones were moving full speed ahead. I grabbed my phone from my husband and sent her a text of my own. Basically I said something like this: "I'm so tired of your bull*&#^. Stop blaming my husband for all of your shortcomings." She fired back with something along the lines of, "Oh I've been in your shoes, sweetheart. You just wait." Blah, blah, blah. My last text to her went like this, "You've never been in my shoes because I'm not a f-ing c*&t." Apparently, according to my husband, that is her least favorite word, so she called him after that text. She was crying and said that she would come to get the kids. He told her that she could come, but that no one would be there because we had plans to go to his dad's house to go swimming, which we did.
She called the police and said that we had refused to give her her children and that she was afraid that we would take the kids and run. Okay, first of all, where are we going to go with all those kids?! Second, it was just the day before that we couldn't get her to come pick up those kids if our lives depended on it!
The police called my husband's cellphone and he told them that she knew where we are and that she could come pick the kids up from his dads house. This chick shows up with a state trooper escort. Talk about a drama queen! The only reason she did that was have a police report on file that she could use against my husband in court. He had court dates two or three times a month after that.
It turned out that the kids didn't want to go with her. They never wanted to go! They always tell us how they don't want to go home and how they want to live with us. (I'm sure that kids say that a lot to the parent they don't live with full-time, because they miss them.) The kids were crying, tears streaming down their precious little faces, as they were ripped away from their father. This happened about three months before I wrote this. Since then we haven't seen them. About a week after that incident, she filed a PFA (protection from abuse) request, stating that she didn't want me or my husband anywhere near her or her children. Until the court date to process her request, we couldn't have contact with the kids. Now, here are my questions: Why did it take her a full week to file the PFA if she felt threatened? Why did she need a police escort to come with her to pick of the kids when just the day before, she refused to pick them up when we asked her to? I'll tell you why: The PFA benefitted her, while picking up the kids when we asked her to would not.
She Travels and Treats Herself, Leave the Kids with Us
On top of it all, she gets over half of my husband's paycheck every week. (Of course he should pay support and help take care of his children, but the amount he pays is ridiculous.) My husband doesn't make an extremely large amount of money to begin with. We struggle constantly to pay our bills, and here she is, getting her full salary plus more than half of my husband's salary. She has an au pair. In just one year, she traveled to Italy and London and took a month's vacation in Mexico. She had the money to do all of this, yet she continues to file paperwork with the court to request more child support! I'm not kidding!
Every time we see her, she's got new name-brand clothes on, yet she sends her son over in flip flops that are falling apart. She tells her kids to ask their daddy to buy them new shoes. Obviously that child support money isn't supporting the children, it's supporting her!
I don't buy myself anything! I make sure that my kids have what they need before I buy myself things. I mean, isn't that the way it should be? Shouldn't that be a real mother's instinct? Provide for your children FIRST!
Tell me, please, am I the only one that has witnessed this type of behavior from an ex?
For years, I have hoped that the B.S. would end and that we could all get along for the sake of the children and everyone's sanity. Let me tell you: It's been years now and some things have gotten better while some have gotten worse. I don't think things will ever be "normal."
I've done some research and read up of the subject. I think she may have something called PAS, or Parental Alienation Syndrome. Apparently, this type of behavior can be used against the offending parent in court. Here are some links in case anyone would like to look into it further.
Tiff on April 26, 2018:
My husbands ex is the same. We actually support both her kids one that isn’t my husbands but he has been there since she was little. She thinks she needs to know everything we do. She has asked us to buy the kids stuff several times because she went to a concert and didn’t have money to get the kids the stuff they needed. We pay child support for the child that’s his the one has a father but she forgives him. But asks us to support his kid then throws it in our face how we have no say. I hate how she feels she needs to know my business and everything I do. She drives a new car stays home all day and tells me I can’t gave the kids if I work. Because if I work I’m a bad mom I guess sorry I can’t sit around eating watching tv and play PlayStation all day I have to make a living to support her and my kids. Angers me. And I hate my husband acts like her best friend it drives me crazy!
Mezaun on November 02, 2016:
Hi I just read ur article...I have had my fair share of it with my husband ex wife...my husband got two daughters with her and their mom is so Evil!!!
Just Me on August 04, 2016:
Seriously? YOU started this. Is she was expecting you to have the kids - even if it wasn't his weekend - and made other plans, you had no right to be mad that she didn't pick them up when she couldn't find someone to watch them. Sounds like you asked her to do you a favor, she declined, and you blew it our of proportion.
DoveFreexrolo on April 29, 2016:
Excellent post !
Kate on March 06, 2016:
Oh, I have one too. The bad thing about this ex wife is she still seems sane and still tricks my husband into thinking she is totally normal and just cares about their son. She said she wanted their son to have the best life and to see his daddy all the time, yet she moved 5 states away and then blamed it on my husband and I for not picking up our children and moving to where she was. Just yesterday my husband told her we were pregnant again. This woman started yelling at him and telling him how irresponsible he is for having another child. Well, first, maybe he's irresponsible for the 9,000 dollars he gives you every month. Maybe his irresponsibility comes from not taking her back to court and demanding he see his son more for all the money he gives her. Or for not telling her that they will not play "happy family" by staying in her house when he has to come see his son. Yes, she still thinks she has a chance with him and asks him to stay in her house when he comes to visit their son. Oh, here's one.... she bought a 900,000 dollar house with the 9,000 dollars a month she gets from him, and talked HIS father into helping her buy it,and now she has no money saved up because she doesn't have a job and spends all the money on expensive things. My vent is over for now although there are 20 more things I could put. Gotta go get the kids!
Ladylala on February 22, 2016:
Dealing with this makes you feel like the justice system needs to get off their lazy asses and get xray vision. Why is child support so much? How is the other person supposed to live? My feionce pays $1600 a month they work at the same place making the same money so she's rolling in the dough. They go on vacation and cruizes while we scrape for our next meal how is this fair? We have a child together how are we supposed to live? I don't know what to do. Was looking for a way to sew her for lost time with our child because he's always at work.
Shasa on December 26, 2015:
I never dated a divorce guy if I knew it would have felt like this I would have stayed away. The ex I have no real issue with it's the fact that my bf tell her everything including personal issue it hurts my feels they have a son so I know they have to communicate but I'm I wrong for feeling like I'm sharing a boyfriend .
I am the ex on November 24, 2015:
I would like to add to this conversation as the ex. I had two children with a man and I was the breadwinner when he had cancer and when my children were 4 and 6 he moved across the country to work (as he stated). I did not receive much child support for several years as he always stated he was not making much but I still allowed him to be a BIG part of our lives and we were actually friends until he met his new wife. A VERY WEALTHY new wife who earns a very good income. We welcomed her until they both started playing games (like getting married without even inviting his own children and was hidden from us from the entire family). So that was forgiven and then he became ill and in recovery his new wife took care of all bills. He has not paid ANY child support since and states they are watching their pennies. In yet, they fly first class on her points and vacation in luxurious hotels but state they have no points to bring the children to see them at xmas. Top this one, 4 days this entire year this man who almost lost his life has seen his children. 4 days. As the ex I have been raising them financially and emotionally for the last 6 years and then when I ask I am accused of harassing him for money he does not have. canada laws do not input his new wife's income so she basically lets him do minimal work and they live a life of no kids and fine dining, etc. In yet, she complains to everyone that I am a pyscho ex as I keep asking him to do the right thing and support his kids. Funny how there are two sides to every story. As far as I am concerned, any man who walks away from his children is weak and the new wife can have him. To add to this, his own children feel as though they are unimportant to him. This is the first time in 6 years that I have finally decided to let Ken and Barbie live their lives but I will not subject my children to any more emotional roller coaster.
Amanda on June 11, 2015:
WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG! I am at my wit's end with my fiance's ex wife. They have been divorced for over seven years and have two boys together. My fiance has primary custody. She has served jail time for domestic violence, has a violent temper and commits food stamp fraud. She is horrible.
Ever since I showed up, she has done nothing but try to get me out of the picture. She constantly texts my ex, screams at him on the phone, and threatens him and me. The one time I did meet her, I extended my hand, shook hers and introduced myself. She glared at me, looked me up and down and began saying things like "we were married for 11 years," and that she didn't appreciate me keeping her away from her boys. Which is bull, because she sees them everyday. Because she is a 39 year old woman, who works part time at a retail store, lives in government housing and has gone back to school to get her degree in education (which is a joke), her schedule is flexible enough so the boys go there everyday after school and are there frequently in the summer while my fiance is at work. I remained calm and said nothing as she screamed at me. I wasn't going to stoop to her pathetic level. She acts like she is married to my fiance and that he is cheating on her with me. Like I'm the other woman. I also am divorced, have been for five years, have a daughter, was cheated on by my ex husband, and have never acted like this toward him and his wife, who is the one he cheated on me with. I am more mature than that.
She is constantly asking her kids questions about me, putting them in the middle and stressing them out. They are currently in counseling and she is grilling them about what they tell the counselor. She has even stooped so low that she is telling them to tell the counselor bad things about me that aren't true.
I am at my wit's end. No divorced couple should have this much communication. Daily multiple phone calls and text with her screaming about something either about me or my fiancé, is stressing me out, my fiancé and her kids.
What's funny is that when she first left, she was cheating on my fiancé with a couple of different men. She left and had no interest in being a mom to the boys, who were 6 months and five years old at the time. She had no contact with them whatsoever for three months. She has been a crappy mother since then, complaining when they eat food at her house. They are her kids and she doesn't want to feed them. She also yells at them, screams at them and has hit the oldest boy. Before I showed up, she could care less if they were around. Now that I am around, she is demanding more time with them, and is doing everything in her power to keep them away from me, but will not do overnights. She will see them daily during the week, and whenever she wants on the weekend, which could be three hours on a Saturday and/or Sunday, and then she will call my fiance to come get them whenever she is tired of having them around. So we can never make plans because of this because who knows when she will call to come get them. And if he's not ready or is too busy at the moment to come get them, she will scream and yell and make his life hell.
I am so fed up with her, and am traumatized and devastated by the fact that she is trying to get the boys to say bad things about me to their counselor. She doesn't even know me! They refused to do this, of course, and as my fiance says, they like me better than her. Then she turns around and does "fun" things with them, which really works with the oldest boy because he is easily bribed. Swimming for a couple of hours on the weekend or taking them fishing is usually all it takes to get the oldest to want to be around her more. I love those kids, and my daughter thinks of them as her stepbrothers. They are always hugging me and talking to me and we get along great. I am just glad they are not letting her poison their minds with lies about me ...yet. But I fear we are headed in that direction if she has anything to do with it.
Leah on April 22, 2015:
Everything rings so true, and at this point (11 years into relationship with DH), the only thing that still upsets me is that she is engaged in all-out brainwashing and lying to their daughters, to the point where she has them believing she doesn't get any money and their dad is trying to ruin her. Though we have them 50/50, she's back for more child support after all her trips to Thailand, Mexico, California, Texas,.... Amateur psychology alert: She has turned them against him easily, I think, because they used to be so scared as children that she would disappear and leave them (again) because she's often threaten to. She'd often leave them on "her" weekends with family and friends so she could go party. Now she's fun mommy who likes that she can treat them like teenage girlfriends she can order around. The youngest physically attacked her father a couple weeks ago, screaminig she was going to kill him (yes, he pays for her therapy, too). The oldest ignores him now, though she used to be a prime Daddy's Girl. For five years they have been physically violent and destructive (like their mom), they have trashed my house repeatedly, treated me and their dad like crap, refused to lift one finger for themselves. They are 13 and 15, and I can only hope that someday they will grow up and start to understand what's really going on. Meanwhile, I'm worried that the stress on my husband will make me a widow.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 03, 2015:
If you have the time and want to pick him up, that's great. But it's up to you. It's not your responsibility.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 03, 2015:
Sorry I haven't seen this till now. Have thing gotten any better since you wrote this? How have things been since you got married?
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 03, 2015:
Stressed out Ana,
I hope the past 6 months have gotten better for you. Only you can make the decision on how to proceed. I will say that it sounds like the ex likes to have "control" so when in public, she will act how she pleases but what goes on at your home is your business and you have every right to dictate how thing will be there. You get to put your foot down and make the rules there. It's great to be civil, but if it were me, I would just ignore her as she does you. If you see her in public with the child, say a pleasant hello to the child and completely ignore her if that's how she prefers it. I've found the more you ignore someone, the more they will crave the attention that they're lacking. Maybe try ignoring her and after a while (could take some time) she will most likely start trying to interact with you and then maybe a better relationship can begin to develop. I wouldn't worry about having a relationship with her too much though. As long as your partner and the kids have a good relationship with you, that's really all that will matter in the long run.
Hope this helps. Please keep me posted if you wish...
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 03, 2015:
Cas, I totally agree. The support money should be spent on the kids... Sure the ex needs to keep a roof over their heads and a car to transport them around but not having things they need like clothes when she gets that much money is unacceptable.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 03, 2015:
Sorry, Kat. I see this comment is from 4 months ago. I'm still here, checking from time to time. How can I help?
Lee on February 22, 2015:
Wow i'm not the only one!
I'm so feed up dealing with my husband ex too. But keep trying to hold back and don't say anything because of my husband and the child.
sun-flower1996 from new york on February 16, 2015:
not ALL ex wives are evil. just the ones we are having problems with are. i'm sorry all of you (ex wives and present wives) had to go through all that BS! i am so relieved there is this wonderful place i can go and read and share about this insanity...
sun-flower1996 from new york on February 16, 2015:
mona... i can so relate... my fiance's hubby is so crazy. but thankfully he has learnt his lesson and only talks to his kids and not her. and his ex sounds like your hubby's ex. she is also always burning bridges. congratulations on being such a wonderful step mom and the better mom. and i am so glad all turned out that way. the ex wife was the one who cheated on him couple of times too. he used to forgive but realized he couldn't take it any more. she's always out getting drunk.(doesn't really matter what day of the week it was and is) using the kids to try and manipulate. i answered his phone and told her that her manipulation is not working on me. this woman is crazy, she goes after married men. tries to break up their marriage but hopes her husband will be around. she is so psychotic after all that she had done she stalks him. he gives child support every month and yet she makes his kids call and ask for money for some school things. hello, she doesn't have to pay rent , he is paying for her car loan and child support. like what? i think her latest bf dumped her . coz she is quiet for a few months and then all of a sudden she just HAS to talk to him about the kids ! he keeps blocking her number. then she calls from a different number. (the kids can always contact him through their uncle who is their neighbor and he keeps in touch with the uncle all the time. this same uncle was his brother in law and can't stand my hubby's ex wife. ) my husband is a good person so he feels bad to talk to her in a mean way. so now he just hangs up if he hears her voice. she keeps trying to use the kids. we went to pick them up once and what da ya know, the kids were fine, they saw me waiting in the car and then she said something to them and then they cried and refused to come with us. she is always so toxic , the way she carries herself i bet she will end up alone.
the new wife on January 05, 2015:
I can relate! My husband's ex wife is the MOST selfish person I have ever met in my life! To the point she chooses her job over her children and has done it for years waaayy before I ever came into the picture. And the sad part is she cheated twice on my husband and when he met me AFTER their divorce, she decided to play victim amd act like the divorce was my fault.. now prior to me, she ALWAYS worked holidays never took off b/c she worked with her bf. Now all of a sudden after we got married she wants the kids for holidays to save face. So pathetic. She tries really hard to keep tabs on us. She needs a life! She doesn't help pay the kids tuition, she can't even pay for their school lunch which is $60 a mo. She actually signed up the daughter for the school bus and she signed up late so there's an extra fee. And the thing is the tuition is in my husband's name. She did it without saying anything then turn a around and tells the kid that SHE'S paying for it! We set that straight very fast with the kid and the hill is $1100 plus that $50 late fee.. but thank God we were blessed and didn't have to pay for bus this year. Didn't find out till after the fact. Otherwise she would've got a nice punch in her mouth! The worst part is she pays the poor me, victim with kids. And makes the kids feel guilty for loving me. That's the worst part! She's forces the kids to choose sides.
Carol on December 23, 2014:
Why do women have to be such a pain in the ass like that?
I suffer the same problem.
My fiancé´s ex is a f*cking c*unt.
She always gets away with murder.
She´s been able to go everywhere she wants and my fiancé is always there taking care of her daughter (Which is his responsability), but there is no freedom between us.
She always gets the last word and I know the problem is not that she´s a f*ucking c*unt, the problem is my fiancé has been so mistreated by her that he forgot what the pair hanging out of his pants are for.
She was the one who cheated on him, the one that abused him, the one who filed for divorce and yet she´s messing with our lives.
anExisanExforareason on December 10, 2014:
I'm in the same situation but am not married. We have been together for almost three years and are engaged but I'm coming to the conclusion the marriage can't happen. His ex has been a pain from the get go. She left him and was stringing him along when I met him. Probably would still be if I hadn't entered the picture. She basically didn't want him but wanted to have him at her disposal for whatever. After I entered the picture and encouraged him to put his foot down with her. At times its gotten somewhat better but she is despicable as far as I'm concerned. He has always paid her child support but because she wanted more (which he couldn't afford because he makes minimum wage) she decided to punish him by keeping his child from him for two months. During that time she slandered him and told lies about what a piece of poop he was to everyone she knew and some she didn't. He sat around depressed and in tears not knowing what to do. I told him she couldn't do that legally and encouraged him to take her to court. He did and the Judge flat out told her that she couldn't do that. She hasn't tried that tactic since but wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't again. He has lied to me in regards to her on more than one occasion and this recent one has done us in. He works at a factory which will be closed for two weeks this month due to the holidays. He isn't getting any paid time for those two weeks. This is an issue due to Christmas and then rent being due right after. So I'm stressed out about how I'm going to cover everything and Christmas. Then he nonchalantly announces last week that he also isn't working Fridays on the two weeks he is working because they are closed those days to0. So basically he is working 8 days this month. Then I come home from work last night and he tells me that he is going in late in the morning because his son is sick and she told him she would lose her job if she didn't go to work because she has stayed home with him the last three days. His original story was that her step dad could take him after an appointment at 10:00 but he had to stay with him until then. I was livid. I could understand any other time when he wasn't already missing all the work but not this time. Plus, I don't believe for one minute that she missed 3 days of work because her step dad is retired and she asks him to watch him when she needs someone. He should have told her that he couldn't do it because he was already down on hours and having trouble paying bills this month. She would have figured something out. Needless to say, we argued because I feel like his motive is all about making her life easy and he doesn't consider the ramifications of how some of those decisions affect us, including my life any my daughter. I already was stressed over how to pay the bills and then its like he slaps me in the face and says that I don't matter. He always tries justifying it by saying he is trying to do right by his son. If you think I'm being ridiculous, just wait, there is more. So I am so upset that I come home early from work this morning. Lo and behold he isn't at our house. I drive by her house and BAM her car is home. BUT SHE HAD TO GO TO WORK, RIGHT? I drive by his work but he's not there. I finally find him at his mother's place. She is at work so he is there with his son. I confront him and ask why the hell her car is home if she had to work today and was afraid she would lose her job. He said he didn't know. Then I asked why he wasn't at work since it was after 10:00. He said, "I took the day off." That wasn't the plan he told me the night before. I bring up the whole her not having the time off work and then he says, "She said she was taking a half day to do some things she needed to get done." I'm surprised my head didn't spin and pea soup didn't come out of my face. Seriously! At that point I told him he's a liar, he lies to me all the time and he can move out. So he comes home later to get his stuff and then tells me that she originally told him she couldn't miss work or she would lose her job but today said she had to run some errands and take a half day. I asked if he got mad when she changed her story today. He said, "Well, yeah but what am I going to do?" It is unbelievable to me. He is obviously a liar and will always do whatever she wants. I actually went to her house this morning to ask what the plan was supposed to be today to get her side to see how much he was lying but she wouldn't come to the door. Big Surprise! No one seems to be able to face the truth around here. So now he is in our home saying he is willing to go to couples counseling. I said ok because I love him and hate to give up but I know this is a lost cause. Unless I want to be a doormat and second fiddle this is never going to work. I'm so sad.
Kat on October 15, 2014:
I realize this is a really old post, but Nikki I really need your help! Are you still checking this?
a new wife with ex wife problems
POmega on October 04, 2014:
Nikki I felt like I was reading my life and experience! Luckily my hubby never married his Ex -psycho! Here's a bit of what I dealt with - she trapped him after 2 months of dating thinking he had a lot of money and they would well off - wrong! Then her real evil personality came out and he was stuck at this point. He was working like a dog to give her everything while she was pregnant but after the baby arrives she expected him to wait on her hand and foot, take care of baby and work long hours while she stayed at home. Little did he know he would be dealing with her evilness moving forward. After the baby was a year old she gets her boobs done and thinks she's all that and leaves him and gets full custody by lying to judge that my hubby's dad sexually molested his grand daughter and accused my hubby of taking drugs. Fast forward 2 years later I meet my hubby and she's pregnant with another's guys kid. She flips out that he's dating me and his ex is a very jealous and competitive person. She's pregnant with a new guys kid but is pissed my hubby is dating someone new and my hubby at the time tells me she's pissed because he said to me you look better than her and she would be happy if he was with someone overweight and unattractive. I didn't think nothing of it because I just met my hubby. They end up moving away to a different state and prior to this I met his daughter who was 3 at the time and I saw her for 4 months every other weekend and she adored me! I thought I can deal with my hubby's daughter and if it gets serious it won't be bad. His daughter comes back at 4 yrs old with major attitude and disgust for me. Apparently her mom brainwashed her into hating me and at this point I'm engaged so there's no turning back. So fast forward 17 years that I've dealt with nonstop drama with his ex asking for more child support and more money on top of that. Problem is my hubby is very nice and accommodating and she knows that and has taken full advantage. The crazier part of this is she's asking for money to pay for plastic surgery and it gets WEIRD! She had a different hairstyle and dressed differently than me when I first met her. What I've seen happen in the past years first she started dressing like me then she copied my hairstyle and now she's had plastic surgery done and now she looks like me!!!! I'm so insulted! It's like get your own style! His daughter is now 20 so he pays his daughter the child support but the problem is his daughter is exactly like her mom! So my drama continues! She learned from her mom how to use, manipulate her dad from her mom! I'm so frustrated! Also with her daughter she has competed with me since she was 4. She also has copied the way I dress and similar hairstyle. We are civil and get along but it's all an act she shows her dad so he will continue to give her whatever she wants! I'm glad I found this forum to vent! It sucks being the step parent because you have no voice or say in this situation.
Johnf120 on September 09, 2014:
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Cas on August 27, 2014:
My husbands ex wife has gone on for trips this year bought a new house and a new car. All of this with the 3089 in support monthly. Meanwhile we are eating beans and rice and have not had one trip or vacation in four years of marriage. I pick my step daughter up from school and she has not had a shower in a week. My stepson has two pairs of shorts to his name. This is just the tip of the iceberg! The support is for her unfortunately not the kids! If my husband is obligated to pay it the. She should be obligated to spend it on them.
Same boat however with wife's ex on August 15, 2014:
Same boat dealing with wife ex he is a convict pot head drug addict alcoholic worthless, he uses her son against us doesn't pay bills lies to ODJFS where he lives, lier and scum. We take care if the two girls and he calls them names, ten he curses my wife out and I can't say anything. He does what your husbands ex does worthless he doesn't take care of them we do. Just tired I love my wife and step children and I do everything icon clean the house I take them to appointments teach them to drive. I didn't have kids, and I never buy me anything I am made to get a haircut or to get takeout because they ddnt have anything when he was around. I worked hard and now disabled vet, I try hard not too argue or say much and everyte he calls he gets us into an argument. I just stand or sit and say hardly anything she is a wonderful person and now she said I am not a nice guy because I don't like him. To me ex is and x for a reason, stay away. I am a cherokee and respect all I give and share and lately I feel excluded from my and and step children
Stressed out Ana on August 07, 2014:
Hi would really appreciate some advice from anyone on here.
My partner's ex blanks me when she sees me. We do not see each other often, however when we do, it is always when her children are present, at drop offss etc. I am always polite to her. I always smile, make eye contact and say hello. I opened the door to her the other week and invited her in as she was coming to pick up her children. She ignored me and stayed standing on the doorstep. My own daughter had given her youngest a doll to take home. I explained this pleasantly to the ex. I may as well have not spoken. She busied herself with the child and did acknowledge me.
She came to the house last week and I purposely stayed out on the garden for approximately 30 minutes whilst she was in my house. This was the first time she has come into the house whilst I have been there in months. I was pleased she felt comfortable enough to come I and I thought maybe we could start building a positive relationship. I saw her the following day whilst we went to pick up the youngest. I was sat in the car with the door open. She came a few yards away from the car with the little girl. I smiled and said hello to both of them. Again I was ignored.
I also bumped into her and the youngest daughter in public toilets 2 days ago. I made eye contact with the ex, smiled and said hello. I was blanked. I then said hello to the little one and the mother grabbed her and made her wash her hands before she could even respond.
The ex has never liked me or spoken to me but has become worse since knowing that I am pregnant. She herself has just recently had a baby with anew partner. She has made access very limited or difficult at times for my partner. She has accused me of several untruthful allegations, such as making her daughter feel fat and suggesting that her daughter watches fat in foods! I offered to meet up with her to discuss these allegation however she never responded to my partner's text. I don't want to make things difficult for my partner who just wants to see his children. However I do feel increasing anger at being blanked. I also realise that this is not a healthy example for the children to see. I am sure they all pick up on the tension. I want us all to be civil to one another for the benefit of all the children involved, including my daughter. Am I right to push my partner to address this issue with his ex? Or should I just put up and carry on being the bigger person? My personal feeling is that if he addresses this issue once with het and she still continues to blank me, that I have the right to say she is not allowed to come to the house. I will still continue to be polite every time I bump into her or have to see her at social occasion linked to the children, however I am not going to be disrespected I my own home. Does this sound reasonable to others? ? Or should I just be the bigger person and let the whole issue lie??
liz s on August 03, 2014:
Im sorry you went through that. Im getting ready to marry in 2 Weeks. My fiancees x still calls over any little matter. They have two kids together. My fiancee, have them all the time. She supposing keeps youngest but he wants to stay here except maybe couple days every couple Weeks with her. She pops up anytime of the day she wants to drop him off or pick him up......unanounced! It was up to 3 times a day. She would pick him up for 30 minutes and bring back..its really getting to me. My fiancee told her to call before she came...that lasted 3 days....she is still doing it...he says he cant control what she does...any advice please?
ashley adams on August 03, 2014:
I am married to my husband I get along with his first kids mom but not his sons mom ... My question is .. is it wrong that when my husband is not home that I have the right to grab his son for him ... She think he should be here all the time to pick him up when he works
KelliRipple on July 13, 2014:
My Ex- husband owes me a bunch of money per our divorce which he refuses to pay. I work my ass off to support and take care of my kids and barely scrape by. I buy for my kids first and do everything I can for them. While my ex takes his girlfriend to Mexico, France, buys new truck, motorcycle, travel trailer but claims he can't afford to pay the money he owes. Not to mention he accuses me of stupid shit that isn't true all the time. But according to him I am just the Bitch ex-wife who supposedly doesn't let him speak to the kids. NOT True! There are three sides to every story. hers, his, and truth. I have the opposite of you ladies and I could care less about his girlfriend. As long is she is good to my kids she and I wont have a problem.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on June 11, 2012:
It may be true that some of these second marriages may also end in divorce, but divorce rates are the highest they've ever been regardless of whether it's the first, second or third time. In my opinion, I would think that second marriages would last longer than a first considering that the issues and people from the first failed marriage lets a person know better what they are and aren't looking for in a partner and in a marriage. The second time, you are more prepared for knowing what works and what doesn't, if that makes any sense.
Also, it would be a terrible way to live for both people in the marriage if you stayed in a miserable marriage just so you could say that you stayed committed to the "till death do us part" clause. furthermore, some of the above posts are from people who's husband's ex's were the one's who didn't stay committed or who ended the relationship. It's not always the man, it's sometimes to women too.
I don't believe that anyone who has posted on this site has tried to make their men out to be perfect in every way possible. No one is perfect. I don't believe that you have any real experience in what the people on here are going through/have gone through. I don't think this is the site for you...
Unless someone SPECIFICALLY ASKS for your OPINION, please only post what you KNOW as FACT. These people are going through enough in their lives without people like you coming in out of nowhere, judging them and talking crap about their lives which you know nothing about.
You have something to say to these people about their lives and their decisions, yet you've shared nothing about your own life... enlighten me, Chris B...
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on June 11, 2012:
Don't file your taxes jointly. File married but separate. That way, she can't touch YOUR tax return... This works especially well if he has any arrears owed and his return will be intercepted and given to her. If you file jointly and he owes arrears, they will give her your portion of your return as well.
Not sure if this is really what you were getting at or not, but that's one situation I have had to personally deal with.
One question though, why would she have any right to get a copy of your tax papers? That's not something I have heard of as of yet...
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on June 11, 2012:
Hello, Cathy. I've been around but it's been a while since I've been online. I've had a lot going on with end of school trips and things with my daughter. Sorry it's been so long...
I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't working out the way that you had hoped they would. Some people are just impossible to get through to.
I think you're doing the right thing, the only thing that you can do at this point, which is to raise your son the best way you can, alone, while he's on your time. I'm sure he's a good kid who knows right from wrong. A mother is probably the strongest influence in a child's life. Just do your best and I'm sure that your son will admire your strength and appreciate your sacrifice's on his behalf.
I know that it's seems like the easy thing is to give up when you feel as though you're spinning wheels. However, I believe that you are strong and for the sake of your son, you will not give up.
I feel so strongly that as long as you keep on keeping on for yourself as well as your son, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and that will make you feel so good inside that you will know that you can continue to push forward. Concentrate on yourself and your son and no one else. Do what you need to do for the two of you and I know that your son will be so proud to have you for a mom.
As always, I wish you and your son the best! Keep in touch!
Chris B on June 04, 2012:
Before long most of you will be ex wives too, because if the man couldn't stay committed the first time, more then likely he won't the second time. Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce then first ones. I'm not sure why anyone would want to marry a man who has already proved he doesn't mean what he said when he said to death do us part the first time.
Deedee on May 30, 2012:
OMG! I am soo glad to see that i am not the only one having to deal with this! Although, my fiances ex does actually have bipolar!
billysmom on May 23, 2012:
Anna,the ex has no right whatsoever to be in your house unless YOU invite her in. My ex's ex did that a few times. Once she came in and asked to use my bathroom. I was grossed out. What I started to do was make sure my step daughter had all her stuff with her, her coat and shoes on waiting at the door for her Mom. The Mom was always on time so it wasn't like she stood at the door for hours. As soon as her Mom pulled into my driveway my step daughter went out and got in the car before her Mom could get out of her car. Funny story..my driveway was a horseshoe so we could just pull in, use the back door and go around to get out. We had put our trailer on the one side so you had to back out now. Well, she back out..right into a huge tree branch that went straight through her back window. She never pulled into my driveway again.
DSL, I feel bad for you and your son. Your child should never feel scared. I am not sure what state you are in but I have 2 similiar stories from friends (NJ). One friend has a daughter who had visitation with her dad on Wed and every other weekend. The dad was flying through woman (the daughter would meet a new one ever time she went to the dad's house). The women would sleep with the dad only a curtain separating them from the daughter. He also was doing drugs and drinking and driving. This friend didn't care about that, just not in front of the child. The dad would drop the daughter off after he had been drinking all day. This friend went to an attorney to get the visitation stop. She went through the process for months and owed a lot to her attorney. She even paid for a hair folical test to prove that he was doing drugs. It didn't matter. The judge did not take away his visitation. They had to appoint someone that both trusted to drop off and pick up their daughter. The dad also had supervised visitation. Well, the person that was appointed was his sister (my friend had no choice)so you know she was superiving these visits. How this ended I can't tell you..this friend left her job and I haven't seen her.
Another friend has a son with a guy that while the son was little they attended a bbq. On the way home the dad (who was drunk and on drugs, which my friend did not know)hit a house. The son until this day has mental/head issues. He goes to therapy (both physical and mental). This friend did everything in the book to not let the dad take him for visitation. Same thing, he was still on drugs (couldn't prove it)..girlfriends coming and going. Didn't matter to the judge. He did not take visitation away. Again, someone was appointed to drop and pick up the boy. But in this case the judge did not order supervised visits.
I am not telling you this to discourage you from doing everything and anything you can to protect your kid. I am just trying to prepare you for what may be a long battle. Don't give up though. Good luck to you.
harleygal05 on May 18, 2012:
ok I met a great guy 14 months ago ,,,,he is a honest man and was seperated from his wife for 6 months and had already dated another woman for 3 months before meeting me, he was married to his ex for 25 years and has 2 children 23 & 17 the 23 year oild daughter is married and has her own life the 17 year old son lives with his mother but wants to live with us but his mother is a lazy ass and dont work so she lives off of the child support and the goverment and has brain washed him to stay with her ,,, long story short he has ask me to marry him and are planing to marry next month,,,she has always tryed to interfear with our relationship and now that she knows were getting married next month she is always calling him and it is now causing big problems,,, I have takin this for over a year now and I cnat take it any more,,, he says that I am letting her "WIN" when it comes to upsetting me,,, she shows up at his new job today and he introduces her to his new employees ? I am at my wits end... his son is 17 and we have 11 more months till hes 18 so does it get better after they turn 18? she constantly calls and text and I feel he needs to put a stop to it... I understand that they have to have contact because of the children but his son has a phone and can call his dad so why can he put a stop to some of this? I do know she wants him back and is very jealous of me and our relationship. I just dont know if I should go through with this marriage because of her constant contact? I do love this man he is a great person.
Cam on May 10, 2012:
I can't believe that we are all in the same boat, EXCEPT
Summer on May 10, 2012:
Oh god we are not even married yet with my boyfriend his ex such... we have been steady for 5 yrs already his ex is the one who filed the divorce but she could not accept the fact that my boyfriend has someone else i was thinking wth it is some kind of joke to her or just trying to scare my bf when she filled the divorce Until now she can not accept that my bf is already happy she still waiting that someday they will get back together and that makes scare me sometimes and on top of that they had a son and they can meet each other all the time by the way we had a long distance relationship we see each other twice a year, his ex would ask my bf brother and his family to help her out to reconcile with my bf his ex said that he still loves my boyfriend and still crying every single night i feel like i am the reason of their break up don't get me wrong he has another girlfriend before me she was blaming me for everything she even ask me to ignore my boyfriend so that they can be together so i was just being nice to her but in my head F*** who the bleep are you to order me and by the way it is your fault why he doesn't love you anymore why didn't you treat him right when he is with you the instead of being a drama queen for all these years and blaming someone else for your effin attitude and calling names such as mistress and everything she even said that who am i and what it is on me that my bf cannot leaves me she is also the reason why we broke up once i showed them that i am not affected i can move on easily while she was posting pictures with my bf she even tag her feet yes her feet you can't even see her face just to show me that they are together but too bad my bf came to reconcile with me.. We decided to stays in his place but as soon as i get there we are moving somewhere else because there is no way that i have to deal with his bipolar,drama queen ex i rather not have him than to deal with him and there are some extent that i allow him to do but please i dont want her to come in my house anytime she wants and use his son.. i hate those kind of people i don't blame if a guy doesn't wanna go steady for her if she shows that she does not care about the person or if she was humiliated with his bf attitude. I dont get here at all my parents are divorce and my dad remarried i never saw my mom called my dad or makes my step mom's life she was so nice that she even invite them in our house or she would come to celebrate special occasion.. I don't know how she do it but i can not do it to share your times with his ex mine i don't want my siblings to experienced any of it.. i might be selfish but its life and for sure i am not the only who does not want to deal with your bf exes..
sonja nieves on May 09, 2012:
OMG im so glad im not alone. My husband ex, is crazy,,,,, they have 4 kids and we have been together for 2 and married for 5 months. this woman has barged into our house, ( i called the police ) she has called me, facebooked me, emailed me, texted,,, all saying that that is her man... now he is in jail (on a charge she put on him a few years ago) and at visitation last week she shoved me into the wall and called me a stupid B*&^%, then sunday there was a ugly not on our car.
I am trying so hard to be civil because of the children (who i love). Last time i saw them one of them ran up to me and hugged me and told me he loved me,, this was back in Sept... Im sad i dont see them anymore, i wish we could all get along like me and my ex do, He has a new wife, and I have no issues with her. they have both been to my house at the kids parties, etc... I feel like sometimes i wont make it through this......
Second wife on May 08, 2012:
Hi I was so glad to read your post! I am going through a similar situation! My husbands baby mama is crazy and the most selfish woman i have ever met!!!!!!!! She recently decided she wants to start taking my income! Do you know what you are allowed to black out on joint income tax papers before giving them to her? like you she already gets an enormous amount of my husbands income and she is always wearing fancy new clothes when his daughter has worn out hand me downs... its so unfair and i am at a loss for what to do...we need to go back to court but we would have to pay our own laywer which would be very expensive while she gets legal aid because, yup you guessed it she doesnt work, and wait- we way day care for his daughter...
W29 on May 06, 2012:
My husband son started lying about being abused any time anyone disciplined him. Well the ex decides to take him to a psychiatrist because she knew he was lying and wanted to get help for him. Well she tells my stepson that something is wrong with his brain and he has to go to a doctor. My stepson tells us that his mom , told him to say I was abusing him to the psychiatrist . First what kind of mom tells their child to lie and then tells that child something is wrong with his brain? Second if you think your child is being abused the first thing to do is call police, take your kid to the doctor, refuse to let that person see that child. Well she admitted where there son got the story from and my husband confronted her and she admitted to all of it. She had let him watch a very nasty DVD that was unedited and unrated version of jersey shore. My husbands ex is the devil. But I,ve got what she wants and that's my husbands love. She has tried several times to come back but my husband refused to hear it. She cheated on him several times with a friend from work. I love my stepson but our relationship with him has suffered. I don't think that we will have a close relationship with him. He had is dad in tears during Christmas he told my husband he didn't love us or care to see any of us . Not even his sister in the hospital. Parental alienation. Is abuse.
cathy on May 01, 2012:
Where are you? And how are you these day's? I have done everything an ex wife can do by excepting his live in girlfriend and my son's mixed feeling about her without complaint. I have been dealing with him dropping the religion we brought our son up in and raising my child in the faith alone which is tough and heart breaking. (that's my personal feeling)I agreed to go to communication counseling but he continues to be the rudest and most arrogant person on earth. I am trying so hard. My patient and personal strength is wearing very thin. My mother asks me to be patient and just pray but nothing changes. Well, I realize that the changes are what I make of them.
The night before communication counseling, the ex, unfairly and abusively bashed me on a nice email I sent. It was unbelievable.I said no more and cancelled the counseling. I think that it is best to have no contact what so ever. It's sad but I will do my best to raise my son the best I can, on my weeks, alone. I just don't understand how the girl living with him is blind to all of this?? She actually works with the public and those who are victims of abuse. She doesn't see this? Maybe she ignores his behavior due to the fact that she is 30 and he has everything and all to offer her!?
I could use your support. I know sadly that many of you are out there and in the same shoes. PLease respond. Most grateful..Cathy.
Farnoush D. on April 30, 2012:
Hi everyone!! It's funny how we always think we are alone on this battle .. unfortunately we are not. From what i read on most of the posts, "the best" way to deal with this kind of situation would be to stand up for yourself. I have been going to therapy and what I've been informed is that ignoring is the better, because one day she will eventually get tired and move on.
My situation: We are married for about 6 months, but together for almost 2 years. He was separated from his (now) ex-wife for 2 years already. Since the beginning of our relationship she was creating problems. For me was a big red flag, but I decided to keep on going with the relationship, first of all because I had deep feelings for him, and because I didn't want to give her the best of me and just give up.
My husband has 2 kids from that marriage, 3 and 6 years old. Very smart and sweet kids.
The ex-wife finds every excuse on the book to call or text him. It's been a nightmare! She lives a voicemail saying that it has to do with the kids, but as soon as he calls back, she insults both of us, threatening, making absurd comments.... Well, I'm thinking on getting the divorce, because I can't handle this crap any longer. My husband says that he ignores her.. but I know how that really affects him.
My question: What can be done LEGALLY?? Is there anything that we can do, by law, to force her to keep her distance? As far as I know, we can not file for a restraining order, because I have no prove that she is violent... but she has, in fact, made threats against me. I just didn't do anything about it for the sake of the kids.
Any ideas?? How can I deal with this bit**? I'm sick of it!!
Thank you! Good luck to all of you!
The "Step-mother" on April 25, 2012:
I know EXACTLY how you feel! My husband's ex is like a freaking monster! Her and my husband have 2 biological children (girls) and 1 that he raised from birth (boy). She is CONSTANTLY telling him she doesn't want me to do ANYTHING for them and even accused me of beating her kids abusively. First off I would NEVER discipline those kids unless my husband is not around to do it. Even then I don't "beat" them I correct them right from wrong. She uses the child support that she gets from the biological father of the boy on herself. She had abandoned the children AT LEAST 5 times since me and my husband have been seeing each other for 4 years. She uses the money to go to different states to meet men she talks to over the internet. To prove how bad of a mother she is truly being at this point...her mother even fought AGAINST her to gain joint custody of the girls with my husband. In case you didn't follow that, HER MOTHER and my husband have joint custody of the girls...not her. She is constantly threatening to take her son and leave the state because she still has full custody KNOWING that she has nowhere to stay, nothing to eat, NO STABLE ENVIRONMENT for this child. She is pathetic and we recently found out she is pregnant again. Yes...a fourth child for a spoiled brat of a mother who I might add insists that my husband cannot claim the children unless he gives her HALF of what he gets back in taxes. Thank god that in the divorce her custody of the girls was revoked meaning she can't claim them or has any rights to ANY money he gets back in taxes. I just recently got things semi-straightened out and hoping it stays this way for a while. Kind of peaceful! :) I wish all you other women the best of luck with the god-awful exes. May God be with you and hold your temper the best as possible! ;)
CATHY on April 20, 2012:
I told you that I would check in again and keep you posted.I like your concept of three sides to every story. That is true. I have read up on divorce and how it is such a tragidy and loss. It is true. It is very hard for me because even though I am over my ex husband, I still have to deal with him via email or text weekly and at least see him every weekend for the drop off of my child. One day last week, we bitched back and forth via email all day. That was too much. He is still present and instead of being kind and understanding, he continues to act so arrogant and domineering and throws his live in girlfriend in my face. He has worked very hard at keeping her away from meeting me for the last 7 months since she has moved under the same roof as my child. However , she still works hard at interfering and it is frustrating. She has never met or spoken with me and she only hears his side of the story. My ex husband causes much emotional drama in my life as much as he can and it has been draining and down right depressing. I have a long list which I brought to court hoping for an order of protection. I did this only as a means for his actions to cease. I recently withdrew my court petetition if he agreed to go to mediation or communication counseling. He agreed on the comm. counseling which will start soon. Drop offs have been much easier as we do not speak or approach one another. I don't want to be bashed but it is still hard on me because not only has he moved his girlfriend in, but he has stopped the religion that we both have practiced all of our lives and promised to raise our son up in. I now have to raise and teach my son alone in our faith which has been most heartbreaking. I also have a hard time not knowing what my son's life is over at his father's. I feel strongly that his father and girlfriend who is so materialistic and never been a parent that they are setting bad examples in which I have no control over. But it's frustrating because it is my child! I want him to model good values and morals. I want to move on but it is hard to because I feel like I have "a knife stuck in my back that I can't get out".
DLS on April 13, 2012:
I feel so much better after reading all this. My story differs a bit that my husbands crazy ex wife is now dating my ex. In the very beginning she was so nice and wanted to come to my house to meet me and bring her children so they could meet me. Well, that was a mistake. It only took one weekend my husband had his kids (he has two by the way and I have two as well) it was the 4th of July weekend and we were out watching fireworks. She kept calling my husband and sending text messages to have "her daughter" call her NOW!!! When my husband didnt respond I guess fast enough she started calling and sending text messages to my phone that if "her daughter didnt call her right away she was calling the cops. Well she did and we werent home so they really couldnt do anything. She drives by my house when my children are outside and with her own children in the car yelling (basically name calling) out her window and drives off. That really dont bother me but she came to my house about a month ago which was a weekend that we had his children I happened to be in the shower and my 6 year old little boy says mommy someones at the door so I jump out the shower but a towel on and my god its her. I made sure the door was locked and closed the blinds and called my husband because he was at work. I went to find out where my 6 year old was and he was in his room hiding underneath his bed crying because he was scared. How sad! She violated his "safe place". My 6 year old sons father is now dating the psycho bitch how they hooked up I have no idea. Not only is this a wierd situation but my son and I do not feel safe around her and my sons father does not realize this. I now am in comtempt of court and have a court date coming up because I am not letting my son go for his visitation with his father because he is scared to death of his girlfriend. I just went and got a civil protection order on her and listed my sons name so my sons father could not take him around her and the judge lifted his name off of it because she has never threatened my son. So how am I as my sons mother supposed to tell him that I cant protect him? I have filed another motion and have paid a tremendous amount of attorney fees just to try to protect my baby. We go to court this Monday to try to get it where my son cannot be around her. I just dont know what Im gonna do if his name is not put back on the protection order. I feel helpless.
Anna on April 03, 2012:
hi, i have been married to my husband for the last 1 year and he is 3 adult children. Im not sure how to explain this but here goes. my husband’s ex does not visit our house often but when she comes to drop our youngest one off at times she just walks into the house. Also the children invite her in if there is something we have bought or built new… for example, we got our youngest a drumkit for his birthday. i planned a party and invited the ex who promised to attend and then didnt and left no message. the next day i walked into my lounge where the ex was standing with the kids chatting excitedly around her about what happened the other day. there was no apology. i feel disconcerted about having his ex coming into my house unannounced and uninvited by my husband or me. since then anything we do goes straight to her and she has always been there, in someways nosy. but the children invite her into the house and my husband and i feel awkward to ask them not to do that or ask the ex not to just come in when they do… i dont know what to do. I also have become distant with the children who live with us most of the time, as they dont talk to me unless they want something from me. i have noted that the eldest daughter is pretentious and arrogant… none of the kids say thank you or please and there is a lot of swearing around the place. i have tried to be cheerful and approachable for the last year but have now given up. may be not right but it gets frustrating
Ellouise on March 31, 2012:
My partner is about to suggest a divorce as they have been living separately for many years now. Still her nonsense continues. I am hoping that divorce will be a clear message that he is never going back and that she may then be able to move on a little at some point because she wont be obsessing and needing his approval about work and emailing about the past every few days. I am hoping that if she moves on the children may not have to listen to how awful their dad is as often. But my partner says she will never stop, that she has an eating disorder and mental health problems. He feels it is the right thing to do but that I should not expect any change in her behaviour. He is also concerned that it will drive a bigger wedge between him and his children..not that it could be any worse and they dont have any contact with him. I dont know but I cant see why teenage children would want their parents to stay married if they have been living apart for years. Surely clarity is better. Do I have it all wrong. I guess I can only go on my own kids who now see a happy mum in a great relationship and they have a strong relationship with my partner as well as their dad. I dont get these women who just bad mouth the father of the children to the kids in order to influence and keep the children all for themselves. Isn't it just hurting the children in the long run to alienate them from their own dad? Things have come on in that he now no longer reads her long emails and text messages and is never bothered by anything she says ..in the past it hurt him, now it doesnt...he just think she is an idiot going on and on. He skims them and replies with one line answers so he is not seen to be keeping that emotional door ajar. She has little information about our lives any more so most things like facebook etc blocked which means she has no new information so it really is just repeating the same old stuff. I think she feels that by letting the children know how unhappy she is and how it is all his fault this will bother him and in turn bother me. In fact it does not bother me at all. If his kids dont want to see him then it doesnt affect my life one bit. It suits me really because the words they use are hers and they are so bitter that I am not sure I want them in my life really. They have been brought up having labels and everything to the point of getting into debt and they cannot forgive their dad for leaving their mum even though they must remember how unhappy he was for years being bossed about and belittled. It has been really helpful to read all the stuff on here and stay a step ahead. Thanks.
billysmom1997 on March 30, 2012:
Mary, first the daughter is 20 yrs old, not a baby or teenager. I would think she is grown enough to understand what is going on. Especially since you have been together for 3 yrs. You said yesterday the ex told your man that he HAS TO SPEND EASTER with his daughter. I would like to know what kind of hold this ex has on your man. Again, the daughter is 20 yrs old and the ex has absolutely no right to tell him where and how to spend his holidays. I think there is a little more going on here that you are not telling us or that he is not telling you. This is a bizarre situation that you are in. I agree with Nikki. For Easter, go visit your family don't worry abt what he does. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally and socially. It sounds as if this man is weak and he can't stand up to the ex. Is this man from a wealthy family? Prestigous? Political? That was the first thought that went through my mind when I started to read your post.
stepwhatever on March 29, 2012:
I feel badly for the women who get screwed by their ex-husbands because there are truly horrible ones out there. I am a new wife to a man who has a crazy ex-wife and an 8 year old boy. I say the ex-wife is crazy not because of what she does to my husband but because of what she does to her son and how she neglects him. We have him 1/2 of time according to custody agreement but we have him way more than that because she is always changing custody arrangements and asking us to take him on her nights so she can go on vacations, go to parties, visit her out of state boyfriend in hopes of snagging herself a big "cash cow." My husband truly is a good father and does everything for his son and it hurts me to see him so upset at how his son is treated when he's at his mom's. Granted, she doesn't sell drugs and isn't a prostitute, at least not that I can prove, but come on can't a person be made to take care of their own child? She allows her new boyfriend to sleep in the bed with her in her bedroom while the son sleeps on the floor in the living room. It's disgusting. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I guess I want people to know that mothers aren't always the better parent.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 28, 2012:
Wow! This is just my opinion, but what you are living, is NOT A LIFE. If I were you, I'd move back to where my friends and family are and forget about this guy. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, he would stand up to whom ever he needed to in order for you to truly be a real part of his life. Seems like you're just the invisible girlfriend...
Best of luck!
Mary on March 26, 2012:
I just need to write it down, guys, I head is full of this ex-wife-sh..... I am so tired right now. We have been together for three years now, and I'm still not aloud to meet his parents or his daughter (20) because this could hurt her feelings. We moved together in December (same city now), I gave up my job, my career, my friends, my family to be with him in the same city. And what do I get in return? We don't go out on the weekend because we could be seen by her or by friends of the former couple. I am not aloud to go to events where she could be, because this could hurt her (well, the thing is, we studied the same, we share similar interests... how is it going to be in the future). Today he went to a lecture on Hegel, where I was not able to go because of her.. I am so ANGRY!!!
We had planned to finally visit his parents on May. Well, after her histerical emails and callings to him, his parents and her daughter, this is not going to happen. How much more do I have to accept? I feel trapped in this city while she gets not only the attention she wants, she manipulates him to get him done, whatever she wants... I even spent Christmas alone because of her complainigs.... And yesterday she told him, he has to spend Easter with their daughter, so he should abort any travel plans with me... I am so f... tired of this...
DENAZ on March 26, 2012:
It would be interesting to see this exact same story from the ex-spouse's view point. Nothing is ever black or white in these situations and I have found out that everyone seems to have their own agenda.
Just remember, Sears and Nordstrom takes anything back.... words can never be returned.
Wendy on March 20, 2012:
I think we're talking about my husbands ex as well. She is getting a breat augmentation tomorrow...but, she wants $600.00 a month to keep things out of court because that will "BENIFIT US?!" Bull. I wish the courts would spend sometime in gettin to know the fathers and see that there are fathers out there that should have FULL Custoday. Especially since my step son is a child with aspergers and needs one on one attention.
Concerned and Feeling Like a Second Class Citizen on March 20, 2012:
Wow, I am glad to know there are others out there! We tried to be kind and courteous in the beginning for everyone's sake, especially the children. He has two that we see every second weekend and I have one that lives with us. He pays $3000 a month in child support and she still wants more money to buy things like new bicycles (when they grew out of their old ones). She thought we should pay help pay for car insurance on her vehicle once my step-son was old enough to drive. It never ends! We hosted my step-son's graduation and confirmation with ex's family and new husband's family and all at a party afterwards. When it was my step-daughter's graduation and confirmation, the ex forgot to tell us about the party.
In addition, the kids have just become more insolent and dis-courteous as they have gotten older (now 16 and 18). You arrange to go and see one of their sports games only to get there and find out they played earlier in the day but forgot to let you know. I have to think some of this is coming from the ex (whether she is being open with her comments or they sense her disdain).
The only problem is that this is causing a real problem in my relationship. He often thinks it is just easier to give in that deal with it once and for all
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 20, 2012:
I agree completely...
Thanks again for sharing your story. :)
billysmom1997 on March 18, 2012:
Nikki, I was not directing this post to you in general. There are people always making the "step mom" or the "ex wife" look like the evil bitch. I just wanted to share my story. Believe me, this mixed family situations are not easy for anyone involved. I remember watching a Dr Phil episode and he bascially said that a step parent has absolutely no rights whatsover. Step parents should fade out of the picture when it comes to discipline. Fade out when it comes to anything to do with the child. Here I am screaming at the tv. That is absolutely bs, especially when the parent leaves the child in your care. Now, with the situation reversed if my ex's wife ever said anything to my son I more than likely would have gone after her. She is 26 years old and my son is 15, my stepdaughter is 22. She has no right or authority to say boo to my son. I know you said that there is 3 sides to every story, however, not in this case. Anyone involved will relate the facts as I presented to you on this page. My ex's attorney was the most ridiculous, stupid person in the world. I will give you 1 example, which just happens to be my favorite. As I posted, I only asked for 40% of the house. I did that to keep my attorney fees low. We presented to him and his attorney. They agreed and we went back to court. The judge (who could not believe that this divorce was not settled) sent us out of the room into mediation. While in mediation, his attorney tells us that my ex agrees with the amount, however, he can't get a mortgage on his own. She proposes that he buys me out for $40,000.00 but she wants me to sign onto a new mortgage with him so he can keep the house...Really! She actually said this to the judge who could not believe what she proposed. That is just 1 example of his attornies stupidty.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on March 17, 2012:
Billys Mom 1997,
I totally feel for you! And you as well as Kate are totally right when you say that there are two sides to every story. Actually, I believe that there are 3 sides to every story: His side, her side and THE TRUTH. No ones version of a story are ever 100% accurate in my opinion. It may be that a story is 100% of how the teller has perceived it in their own mind and they are not lying when telling their story because it's accurate to the point of what they remember and believe it to have been.
Like I said in my original post, I have not judged from any "stories" that I was told about the ex. My venting had stemmed from what I myself had witnessed. And my side of the story is accurate to what I remember and believe it to be (like I said, 3 sides to every story) and though I didn't lie about anything, I'm sure there is a more "truthful" version out there somewhere.
I don't judge anyone until I have my own experiences to judge from.
As always, thank you for your comment, it was more than welcomed! Sounds like though it was a rocky road for you for a while, things worked out in the end. I believe in Karma and I always try my best to be a good person and to treat others the way I would like to be treated. Like everyone though, there is a side of me that can only take so much from a person before I give it back...
billysmom1997 on March 16, 2012:
I just happened to stumble across this site and started reading. I was not going to post or reply but it bothered me and I feel as though I have to say something about this topic. AS Kate said a few posts ago, there are 2 sides to every story.
With that said. I was the new wife and now I am the ex wife. I met my husband when his daughter was 2 yrs old. He was paying his ex a lot of money each week. I remember complaining about it to him because I thought it was not fair to us. I had to have a job the entire time I was married to him just to subsidze the money he was paying to the ex for child support. While I didn't mind paying child support, it is the law, I like most of you complained about it. There are a few things that was ligitamite about me complaining about the CS. One thing, the custody agreement that he and his ex had. We had his daughter every single day of the week and every other weekend. We would pick her up at 3 pm and she would be with us until 7 pm. On the weekends we would have her from 3 pm Friday until 7 pm Sunday. If you do the math you will se that we fed her dinner for 10 straight days, then her mother would have to fed her for 2 days. So in a months time, she had to feed the child 4 times a month. She went to school so all she did was send lunch money for her. Ok, if that wasn't bad enough, the child was always dirty, hair dirty and not combed, her clothes were never clean. There was a time when she had no clean panties so her mother put a pair of shorts on her and took her to daycare. She would send her to school in 32 degree weather without a coat and in 80 degrees with a winter coat. She would send her for the weekend with 1 pair of panties, 1 sock (not a pair) but one sock. Not enough clothes for the weekend. My ex refused to buy her clothes because he said he paid her child support he shouldn't have to pay for anything else. I went out and bought supplies of these things because she needed them. I didn't care about the money that I had to spend for her. I did though have a problem with what she did with the money she got for support. My step daughter is grown now and I haven't seen or spoken to her since 2007 when I left my ex husband.
Now, I am the ex wife. Background, in 2007 we bought a new truck together, we did $40,000 of remodeling in our home and was on our last leg of getting the house done when I found out he was cheating on me. He would not leave the house and when I went to an attorney he suggested that I just pack what I need and go stay with my Mother. Of course I took my son who was only 10 years old at the time. So, not only is his parents getting a divorce, he is now leaving the only home he has known his entire life. One week later I went to my marital home to take pics for homeowners and there was a strange car in my driveway. Long story short, in one weeks time he moved his 23 yr old girlfriend and her daughter from another man into my home (btw he is 51, she is 26 now). It only took him 1 week to move her in. Of course I was going to be a physco. Imagine pulling into your driveway, her standing behind the door (with it locked) and you cant get in. Oh, I was pretty hot. So, we go to court, all I want is my half of the house, my belongings and to be done with it. He fought me all the way, trying to give me what little he could. I had years and years of things in this house. Little things that you don't realize. All my bed sheets, my towels, my pots and pans, everything. I GOT NONE OF IT.
Now remember, my son and I are living with my Mom. We don't have any of our belongings. We had to share a bed for 3 months until I could afford to buy him a bed (he has a brand new bed at my marital home that I bought him). So, instead of trying to just finish this divorce he drags it on and on until we actually have to go to trial, yes trial. Neither one of us have a pot to piss in and he is taking this to trial. So, after 3 yrs, my divorce became final April 2010 (I left October 2007). My attorney bills that he forced upon me where over $30,000 dollars. His were more because the judge kept awarding me attorney fees because he kept fighting everything. So bottom line, he had to give me 50% of the house (I asked for 40%), he has to pay child support, he has to pay alimony, he had to give me $19,000 from his 401K and now I get a lifetime amount of his pension. I get a good portion of his weekly paycheck. He cries poor all the time and sometimes I feel bad for him. However, he brought all this on himself. His new wife does not get any child support from the father of her other daughter and she (the wife) refuses to get a job. My son is 15 now and absolutely has no contact with him. He feels like his father picked his family and he is not part of it. I do speak to my ex about our son. I have no contact with his wife (I have no need to speak to her). It is not me being a bitch. He has choosen his path and this is where it took him. So, like I said at the beginning, there is 2 sides to every story. I am sure his family and her family thinks I am this greedy bitch. But remember, I had to start over from ground 0, I had nothing to start my life over with.
db on March 15, 2012:
I am not quite in the same situation as most of you; however, to me, it still a discerning situation. I work and provide the support and benefits for us. My husband's ex does not work and is supported by her current mate. He recently found out that he is going to need major surgery and just told the kids (38 and 40 years old) last night.
I don't know what got in to me this morning. I told him I did not want his ex calling our house if she finds out and that he should prepare for what he is going to say. I know she will find out, because on of the kids can't help but tell her. Well she doesn't work and has all day to make phone calls.
She used to call until I made a big stink about it apparently my husband doesn't have a problem with it.
There is already a lot tension in our house due to circumstances, this would just be icing on the cake.
The crux of the biscuit is, I feel taken advantage of and if this happens and he allows it to happen it will make me feel worse. After nearly 20 years of marriage I feel close to ending the relationship already without any additional prodding.
needadvice1981 on March 15, 2012:
I just would like to say that it's wonderful to hear that your life and relationships with your ex and his wife are happy and healthy. Your post gives me hope that my step-son's mother will hopefully chose the path you took. I'm not craving a relationship with her but it certainly would smooth out some very jagged edges to be able to be cordial with this individual.
Thank you giving me hope.
ajs11 on March 14, 2012:
Thank goodness I am not alone! I've book marked this sight to read the comments the next time I am dealing with my fiances ex...we had a nice texting war today because she will not pick up the phone and call me...she hides behind her texts threats and accusation.
janice de almeida on March 13, 2012:
i am in the same situation, dont let your ex take your joy of living, unfortunately my husband is totally commanded by his ex and i sometimes feel he is using me to support his family and that i am his second wife.
Kallie on March 11, 2012:
I started having this very problem . My husband and i been married for two weeks now, we lived together for two years, before i came into the picture, everyting was ok, she never complain or harressed him, when she found out that we had moved in together, it started to get to her, she started coming into our front yard and cursing him and me calling me a whore and the worst names, every month he pays her child support (he has 2 boys with her) yet she sends over the kids with the worst clothes and shoes, whenever she takes the kids out she dresses them in nike and converse sneekers and aero clothing, but when she sends them over, they never have good clothes to go out. She came tonight and stood in the yard for the neighbours to listen and started calling us names and saying bad tings, my husband closed the door and left her outside qurelling cause he says if he gets angry he'll do somting he'll regret. She was the wrong one when they were married, she started having an affair with someone she worked with, he had built a million dollar mansion which they both lived in with the kids and he left it for her and the kids and he moved back into his parents home, about a year and a half ago she sold the house ( which he built with his own bleeding hands) and moved next door in a rented apt, she ended up gambling away all the money, when she sold the house, he left her with a car she sold that also now she lives in a little wooden structure and paying rent. I hope and pray that this problem go away soon, my bible, my lord and my husband keeps me going everyday, i am afraid of having kids with him because i don't want her kids hurting my baby, she already put bad stuff in their heads against me, cause when they come over they always give me a hard time, i am invisible to the younger one (9yrs old) , my husband isn't hard on them because he only sees them on weekends and he pets them, I have faith in knowing that all this bullshit will come to an end... I am so thankfull that i can relate to someone, even if its on d internet..for all u new wives out there, there's a chapter in the bible psalms :91, read it, also there's a book called the secret, it is a very good book, it teaches u how live and think positively...for all u bad ex-wives, go fuck a bong...
Lcsk on March 11, 2012:
I go through the same bullshit everyday
Miranda on March 08, 2012:
I have to say that being Bipolar myself is hard enough without having all the baby mama drama. However, my ex's wife and I had many issues. Of course I feel that a lot of it was due to me not being of sound nature in the beginning. Now however I realize how much better all of our children our doing. This didn't occur to me overnight. I had a long time to discover this. It was difficult for my ex's wife I know. We talk now about life and our children. She is terrific and understanding. She told me that it's hard for her to trust me and I do understand because of the past. I'm still thankful for her and all she's done. I know someday she will be able to trust me now that I've finally found peace, love, and medication!!
Kate on March 06, 2012:
There are two sides to every story, you are only hearing the step mother's side. There are probably many factors that have been left out from the perception of the mother here. Not that it excuses their behaviour, just consider that you don't have all the facts if you only have one side of the story.
Merai on March 06, 2012:
There are exwifes that are narcissistic tendencies, self centered, greedy and S***!. I have 5 stepchildren, they are wonderful kids. Their mother have some issues of her own. She needs help. I dont know what it is but she needs help. PRAYER. Children will become adult and you dont have to deal with her. Be strong.
Aussie mum on March 06, 2012:
I met my fiancee a year after his ex wife left & divorced him, taking their son. He never got over her. Mind you, she moved only 4 houses down on the same street on the other side of the road. She gave me such a hard time for the first year & i tried so hard to be civil & nice, even to their son who we had every wednesday evening so fiancee could take him to school on Thursday mornings & every weekend. She used to ring him every day, message him porn, ask him to come over to fix things "for their sons sake" & come into our house when i wasnt there. Fiancee did all of this scared that if he didnt she would threaten to not let him see his son. She worked in a bank & still sorted out all his finances & had access to all his accounts. Shes manipulitive & didnt want him but didnt want anyone else to have him either. We had countless arguments over boundaries & finances & me not feeling respected or ranked lowest in the family. His son treated me the same way she did & wasnt taught to respect me by his father. Hes very spoilt & ruled our household. Whatever he wanted he got, i would cook dinner & hed tell me its not how his mother makes it & his father would go buy him takeaway. Don't get me wrong, like all of you, i love this man with all my heart despite how badly he was treating me & dreamt yhings could improve if we could just work harder on our problems. If we could just set some bounderies or get the ex out of our lives. The son was a token child for her, she doesnt show love easily, wont hug or cuddle him, doesnt cook so they live on junk, never toilet trained him (son still wore a nappy to bed @ 11 yrs old-alarm bells!) & wouldnt screen adult conversation from him. The son has been brought up in an adult world, has all the choices in the world but not capeable of making decisions, is obese & has no friends, can't interact with children his own age & gets bullied @ school & isnt made to contribute to any chores around the house so cant even put bread in a toaster. My friends & family, his & even hers warned me that their relationship was inappropriate but i made excuses for him, i loved him. Two years later i had a son with him, but he startex taking my new born with him to pick up his son from her house on a saturday morning & dropping him back on a sunday arvo & staying there for two hours. Leaving me alone in a big empty house without my baby to play happy families with his number 1 family. Even as i write this i can see how stupid i look. I eventually gave him an ultimatum, her or me & 2 weeks later he asked me to leave. I left with nothing except our 3 month old son & had to go live with my parents for 6 months until i could save for some furniture and a bond to rent a place. While @ my parents, 2 months after he kicked us out i started chemo for an incurable cancer. I've been so strong for my beautiful son but so sick. We've been living in a place for just over a year now but i still have an overwelming sadness & a broken heart, which makes me feel guilty because i feel i cant give 100% 2 my son. My ex & his ex have recently got back together (she has still until recently maintained that she didnt want him) my ex has our son every second weekend which breaks my heart because now he stays @ her house & she takes great delight in boasting to anyone who knows me how great their family is & how she just adores my son. She doesnt want her own son, what the hell does she want with mine? I have a horrible feeling something is not right at the moment. I've maintained a civil & kind relationship with my ex but the last month he's frozen me out & not communicated well. I have this niggly feeling that they may take my son, interstate without telling me just from a few signs & things that dont seem to add up recently.... My suspicions were right during our whole relationship, i hope im wrong about this gut feeling but ive ignored it for too long in the past, not sure what to do, we have no legal custody order.
So...... She won. The ex wife came between us. Im sure if she were not on the scene he would have loved me & had a very different life. I know you think im lucky to escape but im a 35 year old single mum, heartbroken & living with cancer. I wish her Karma & i wish it would come quickly. Or i wish her love, some other rich man would sweep her off her feet & into another state with her son so shes far away & out of my life...... Is it too much to ask that i catch a break?
Parental Alienation Support NJ on March 05, 2012:
Yes, your story sounds exactly like mine. Typical Parental Alienation Syndrome, combined with common conflict within a blended family. It certainly sounds like you are dealing with a Narcissist, who are most commonly the Obsessive Alienator. Good luck, and stay strong and peaceful. www.passsupportnj.org
Little Devil on March 04, 2012:
This has been a great read, my wife and I thank you deeply for posting this thread and the links above are gold. If you were here, we both would give you a huge hug. To all the parents oot there struggling, just do what you can and be the best parent you can be. In the end, they remember that.
RT & ESS
ResponseToMichelle on March 03, 2012:
On this site, people are just sharing their personal experiences. It's not an "ex-wife bashing site" as you might think. There are plenty of fathers who do not take on their part as a parent and shame on them. But personally, to have to deal with an ex-wife who is delusional, makes things up, would rather be at the bar than at home with her child (& has brought her to a bar until wee hours of the morning), is a terrible influence, spends her money frivilously, & blames our relationship and my boyfriend for everything wrong in her & her daughters life regardless of the fact that these problems were problems before I arrived makes me crazy. On top of it, will drag my boyfriend in and out of the dirt and claim he is a terrible father when all he has ever wanted to do is support, care for, and put his life aside to be a father (no babysitters, never had a girlfriend or brought a girl around his daughter for 9 years,never went out) & now has a teenage daughter who barely speaks to him because of the brainwashing from a miserable, spiteful, disgusting excuse for a mother I've ever seen. He would go to the end of the world for his daughter but is never allowed. She doesn't give her any structure or boundaries, no punishment for bad behavior, and no solid parenting. She is more worried about being her friend to cover up for her irresponsible behavior. My boyfriend can't so much as raise his voice without an anger problem accusation and a huge blowout fight. So while you may be a great, responsible mother who is in a shitty situation, this site is not aimed at "you" or "ex-wives" in general. It is aimed at those ex- wives who spend their time making lives miserable because they are unable to grasp reality. You may just be in a similar situation just flipflopped. Good Luck :) We all need it
Vera on March 02, 2012:
"Horrible New GF", I completely agree. I am not currently in this situation (never have been), but my mom is with her BF...she & my dad split after 30 years of marriage, and her BF did with his ex-wife. His daughter is grown with children of her own, and is just as weak as he is. She wants to get rid of my mom in order to control him with money. I agree with you when you say don't involve yourself with a weak man. I wouldn't; I'm not going to suffer for someone else, when they make a choice to not put a stop to the bs.
Horrible New GF on March 02, 2012:
I know that anyone who reads my comment will think I am a horrible new GF but this goes out to those who say there is no solution. There is indeed a solution and that solution is that no matter how much it hurts, do NOT allow the children's mother to use the children as pawns or a bargaining chip. My BF and I have been together for 14 months. In that time, the child's mother (we do not refer to her as his "ex") has withheld Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, vacations, you name it, etc. At every exchange she would get out of her car and berrate my BF about their adult daughter who refuses to grow up along with arguing about all kinds of other things. My BF and I grew tired of it. He finally told the mother that he would NOT pick up his son until she agreed to stay in her car and not speak toh im. For 2 months, she would text and ask if he was going to pick up the son. For 2 months, he said "are you going to talk to me? If you are, then I'm not." After 2 months, she finally gave in and agreed to stay in her car. The key to these situations is don't involve yourself with a weak man and don't let the children be used as pawns. If the man in your life can't do this and put his new life with you first, then it is time to move on.
Orchida on March 01, 2012:
A am also an ex but i never claimed anything from my ex husband, it's like been buried alive when he remarried. I am not fortunate that after 7 years trying to move on, finally I fell in love with someone who is haunted by his ex!! I couldn't agree more when there is a saying that the ex has a lifetime access to your man's life.
ASTEIN1062 on February 29, 2012:
I am not sure what state you live in but I can answer for only NY State. Support/Maintenance is based solely on the husband’s income and has nothing to do with your income. I would consult an attorney in your state or call legal aide in your states family court to be absolutely sure.
I love this site as it has enabled me to understand that I am not the only one with a vengful ex that uses the children to get what she wants.
It might be worth saying that if we start an online petition for reform of the family court and the support system it may be a great start to get the ball rolling!
We should also start a petition for a change in the law for child abuse and have Parental Allienation made a crime for both men and wommen. If it was a crime they people doing it would not and the evil divorce lawyers would not enable their clients to go in that direction to gain an advantage in a divorce.
Michelle on February 28, 2012:
I am the "evil" ex wife that you are all complaining about. My ex husbands current girlfriend speaks of me exactly as you speak of your husbands ex wives. I wanted to give my two cents, because it saddens me that divorce and subsequent re marriage has to be so ugly. My ex husband and I divorced over six years ago. We share custody of our two children. He began dating a new girl about 3 years ago. I don't know her well, because my ex husband and I do not speak (we only text) and we exchange our children in a grocery store parking lot. Therefore, she does not really know me either. Together, they have made my life hell. She hates me and calls me names to my children. My kids come home crying because she calls me a whore and a loser and a money hungry gold digging bitch. On the rare occasions she has exchanged the kids with me, she has spit on me, called me a drunk, and refused to kiss my daughter good bye because my daughter kissed me and "your mommy is a dirty whore who sucks ten dicks per week". It makes me want to throw up. Exchanges have gotten so ugly my parents now exchange for me. My kids are so torn up over the constant turmoil they are in counseling. My daughter cries and hides when it's time to go to her fathers house. My son is violent and hits walls swearing he will kill his father if he ever has to see him again. My kids are 7 and 9. Clearly, there is a problem.
About me. I don't drink, therefore I'm not sure why she calls me a drunk. I have never drank, it's not my thing. I went to college on a full ride scholarship for being the president of "teens against drinking and drugs". I lost my virginity to my ex husband at the age of 22. We divorced when I was 29. I am now 35 and have dated three men (therefore been with three men) since our divorce. I don't believe that makes me a whore. I work full time making relatively good money. I am currently engaged, and yes we have a nicer home than my ex husband, but we both work very hard for it. My ex husband makes more money than I do, but not significantly. He does pay me child support. For those of you feeling your husband is being "taken" by a horrible woman for all he is worth, my guess is you don't know the whole story. I am called a gold digger because my ex husbands check is garnished every month for child support. Please allow me to tell you why. When we divorced 6 years ago I had sole custody of the kids because of their ages. He was ordered to pay me $900 per month in child support. He never paid. He has never paid me for anything to do with the children. Has never paid medical, has never paid any part of day care, has never even bought them Christmas or birthday gifts. Up until 2 years ago, the only clothes they had at his house were clothes I bought. Three years ago our daughter got sick and I was stuck with a very large medical bill. Over $18,000. Yes, I carry medical insurance on my kids. The $18,000 was what I owed for her medical bills after my insurance topped out. I could not make the minimum payments for the medical bills and was struggling. I begged my ex husband to help me pay a portion of the medical bill. He refused. Our court order says he has to pay me for 50 percent of the kids daycare and medical. Not to mention our child support. My credit got destroyed over the medical bills. I continued to beg. He continued to treat me like a welfare recipient who was too broke and too disgusting to pay a simple medical bill. He literally kicked me while I was down. While I daughter was sick, not once did he take her to a medical appointment, nor did he visit her in the hospital. He would go for months without seeing our kids. He had scheduled visitation he never used. He was in effect a deadbeat dad. Around this time he met the new girl. Who hated me even before meeting me. Her first time meeting me she refused to shake my hand and said I made her sick. I tried for months of her treating me poorly and calling me names for the children. My ex took me back to court to get partial custody. In my state unless a man is a murderer, moms and dads always share custody of the children. I did not fight him on the custody. Because he broke so many of his visitations previously, the judge gave him 30 percent custody and me 70 percent. While we were in court, the judge asked my ex husband for check copies or receipts proving he was paying me the court ordered child support. Because he had never paid, he could not supply this. He was ordered to pay me $320,000 in back child support, in addition to an ongoing $600 per month until our children reach 18. Because he failed to pay in the past, the court now garnishes his pay check. Child support is not something created by a drunk mother to support her drinking habit. It is based on a strict formula using both parties incomes. Because of the substantial back pay my ex husband owes, a lot is garnished from his pay check. I take every dime of back support I get and put it into a trust fund for my children for when they get older. I use my current support order to pay the medical bills and take my kids on great vacations once a year. I don't think this makes me a gold digger. I struggled for 5 years sacrificing my needs for my children's. While my daughter was sick I sold my home and moved in with my parents so I could pay her medical bills and take her to her appointments. I sold every brand name purse I owned, even my wedding dress and my engagement ring so I could pay the bills. While I did this, my ex husband vacationed, bought a new porsche, a new house and nothing for his kids. He couldn't be bothered to pick up a prescription. Now I am getting what was court ordered and should have been paid 6 years ago. I don't feel bad that I get child support, and to you ladies who are angry your husbands have to pay it, consider this: if you divorced and he refused to support your children, would you be upset? If you had to sacrifice eating so you could pay for your daughters chemotherapy and your ex husband helped with nothing, would you be upset? I lost 59 pounds while my daughter was sick because I couldn't afford to feed them and feed me. I have a masters degree and work full time and have worked full time since I was 22. I am by no means lazy. Now, thank god for laws and the court system, I get the money I should have gotten years ago. I have plenty of money to do nice things for my children and myself. And I don't feel bad, because for a long time I struggled in a way I am guessing a lot of people could not possibly understand. I am called every awful name in the book by my ex husbands new girlfriend. She spits on me and makes my children cry. It makes me sick to my stomache. I'm a good person who loves my children dearly. I am so tired of fighting with my ex husband and his girlfriend I don't even respond. I stand stoic and quiet when she spits on me. I am asking that you ladies consider there are two sides to every story. Your ex husbands wife may be getting what she is getting for a good reason. Realistically, no woman wants her child raised by a woman that treats her poorly. The idea of this woman having anything to do with my children scares the heck out of me. In the past when I have acted out, it's because I was scared that a woman who would spit on me and call me a whore in front of my kids would have a say in their well being. I'm human and I get scared. I'm guessing you are all human and get scared as well. I'm asking you to walk in her shoes. Maybe she is not the devil you believe her to be. And lastly, get smart. If you are getting all your information about the ex from your current husband, consider the source. My ex husbands girlfriend has no real knowledge of me. Everything she knows about me she learned from my ex husband. Who clearly said more than one lie, because the stories that I am a whore and a drunk are blatantly untrue. I am a good mother doing my best to raise my children into healthy happy adults. Perhaps that is all your husbands ex is. And maybe some of these exes really are awful. But in my experience, when woman act irrationally and ridiculous in these situations it is due to a lack of knowl
Jan on February 28, 2012:
oh my gosh,she sounds just like my fiance's ex.She has put us through alot of emotional hell within the last 9 years.
And I am really tired of the whole going to court thing for more money.How is it they say it takes 2 parents to raise a child,but yet she collects ssi,doesnt work,has remarried twice,going through her 2nd divorce,just got back from a week vaca in los vegas,and yet it seems we have to pay for that.We are struggling just to pay rent and have a 4 year old of our own.I am just beside myself and don't understand how the courts registrate the amount of money given to the custodial parent.The non custodial parents life has also moved on from the ex and have expenses of his own,shouldnt that be accounted for when adjusting a payment.Also I was told if we marry,his child support goes up because they can add my income into their adjustments...Really ridiculous,we are barely making it as it is.So I am not getting married anytime soon I am disgusted to say.Tired of the court system,would write more but I am at work and should be working,can't write at home because I can't afford the internet....go figure
a_wife_and_stepmom on February 27, 2012:
My husband's ex girlfriend started acting spiteful when we got married too. She was bad enough before but us getting married put her over the edge. I realize she's jealous because he always told her he would never get married and he proposed to me within 3 months of dating. So it's clear he just didn't want to marry her. Unfortunately they have a child together. I say unfortunately because I met him way before she ever met him and she pretty much trapped him into being with her for 5 years because they didn't live together and barely knew each other when she got pregnant. He was miserable the entire time he was with her. Broke up with her once and we started dating, but when she found out he was seeing me she flipped out and scared him into getting back with her by threatening to keep his kid from him and forcing him to pay out the a** in child support. So his mom always told him to get rid of her. She couldn't stand the girl and said she knew he wasn't happy and he couldn't stay with her just for their daughter cause his daughter would still be in his life. She told him this for years but after she passed away a couple years ago he finally took his mom's advice to leave the girl. We started dating and after a couple months moved in together. The next month he proposed. He didn't have a child support order but I told him he should get one written down because he was paying her wayyyy too much. The first month after they broke up he gave her 1200.00! He spent most of the life insurance money he got from his mom paying the greedy witch. As if this wasn't bad enough she told him he could only see their kid every other weekend but there was no official order or anything. Of course she lived with her mom and dad and didn't have any living expenses. She also had a car with my husband as the cosigner. He told me his name wasn't on it anymore but he was wrong... and not only that but a few weeks ago I found out it's STILL not paid for even though she bought it in 2005. She is constantly late on the payments and is dragging my husband's credit through the dirt so in turn is effecting my credit since we are married. It's tax time and she only owes 4000 on it so he told her to pay it off and he would sign the title over to her. Or refinance in only her name. Or give the car to us and we would sell it. She made him sign something that said he would sign it over to her when she pays it off but lied and told him it was signing for her to refinance without his name on it. She has no intention of refinancing it. She's late again with the payment this month. A week after we got married she filed for child support even though he'd been paying her. I was glad he would have a set amount and wouldn't have to give her money every time she text which was pretty much every day. But worried he'd have to pay back child support for the whole year since they broke up. Luckily he didn't have to pay any back support. The judge asked if their kid was in day care to put that into the equation and they said no because she's not. His ex works from home 2 days a week and the other three days her mom watches her since they live with her and she's retired. But when they told the judge no he said, you just saved yourself a lot of money right there. So I was pregnant and my husband asked if he could get credit for having another dependent but the judge said he'd have to wait till our baby was born. So after our daughter was born we filed for a review to have it lowered some based on having another dependent. That wouldn't bring it down a lot but it would help a little because we can barely meet our bills paying her 475 a month to her when she lives with her mom doesn't pay rent and spends all her money on dumb stuff and drinking. Well this made her mad that child support would go down a whopping 60 dollars a month so she is trying to say child support should be raised to factor in day care since the judge told her that. But she's just being a greedy witch because their daughter is not in day care and never has been since starting school. She's just flat out lying about it all. She's also filing for custody. She's had her daughter full time and we've only gotten her every other weekend but the weekends she does have her kid she sends her to my husbands step dads house so she can party. Oh and she's completely stolen my hubby's family from him by telling them all kinds of lies about him. So his step dad and step sister no longer speak to him. Or we don't speak to them because if we tell them stuff they run back and tell it to his ex. It's ridiculous since she was never even married to him for them to be treating her like family and treating my hubby who was part of their family for 20 years like crap. We have to go to court thursday for his child support review... I just hope the judge sees that she is being greedy and trying to squeeze all of his money out of him and that she's lying about the day care. I keep praying cause if we can barely afford 475 a month we definitely can't afford 700 something to her for her to blow on alcohol.
Rene on February 27, 2012:
Oh my word, I cld not believe my eyes. Do they clone them? I am an ex wife too, did not want the divorce my ex did, but we have no kids so it was a clean break. My husband was cheated on as well and had the rug pulled from under him, yet she comes out of this squeaky clean, never held accountable for anything. Even went to lengths of telling the kids she was having an SMS war with me yet I was not texting her at all. Got everything in the divorce and she still wants more. She told the kids that I earn enough to look after us and my husband salary should come to her.
Jenn on February 26, 2012:
I have one of these crazies - and my ex has a new wife who is just as bed.. I can handle it, I just want to know if it ever gets better!? They have me reading self-help books to see what I am doing wrong!
crazyness on February 26, 2012:
My boyfriend has an exwife of going on 13 years! I said it! THIRTEEN YEARS! She is beyond crazy & delusional! She thinks hes still in love with her ?!? He despises her! She'll say something and turn around and deny it ever came from her mouth. She always say's that "her & his daughter are his family" . Creepy. She wants him to be the punisher but then yells at him when he punishes. If he so much as raises his voice to his daughter for her disgusting behavior, hell rises from the ground. The ex blames our relationship for the lack of time he sees his daughter and blames everything wrong in her life on him. Its impossible to have a relationship with his daughter with the ex in the picture! She puts things into this young girl's head. She has dragged him in and out of court along with restraining orders and more lies! Yet she turns around & goes out to bars (sometimes bringing her with ) She had her out at a bar until the am ! & admitted to it! Its terribly frustrating and my heart twists for my boyfriend who is such an amazing person and father but never gets the chance due to a person who is jealous and spiteful. He has had a steady job for many! years with a healthy, stable, beautiful home for his daughter. She has never had anything stable and lives off using people! I feel the pain of anyone going through this! It sucks having to bite your tongue to not cause more drama. She makes things up on a weekly basis and we basically have it to a tee when a nasty text or phone call is going to come through. We both are adults about it and have learned (him quicker than I) to ignore her childish and crazy comments. It honestly never ends. I often wonder how someone can live their life in such spite and hate toward one person without moving the hell on! This is crazy! I love him so much and can't stand to see him being treated like this! She always tries to convince him "I'm a great mom! I do everything for her!" She spends a lot of time talking like that which goes to show shes only trying to convince herself! Not long to go but the damage for his daughter is done and I just hope the future sheds some light to her on how her mother affected her childhood and her relationship with her father. He has copped to his mistakes! But nobody else seems to be able to grow up!
needadvice1981 on February 24, 2012:
I'm also praying for you and your children.
I've not yet had my first child but I do know what it's like to feel like maybe giving up would be the best road to take.
Try to stay strong and hang in there.
Laurel Caylor on February 24, 2012:
Wow! Let me just say this hub, and comments makes me feel normal. My Husband's ex is a selfish monster as well. We are going on our 2nd year married, and our 3rd year together. She has been one giant ball of confusion. When we first got together we had a long distance relationship. I moved here to this area for him, un aware that this was the town they grew up in, they meaning him and the ex. The day I moved here, she showed up in the neighbor hood I was moving to. When confronted she lied, (as she does about everything!) said she was lost and had to turn around, yeah with my step daughter duking down in the front seat. Every week it was something. They share joint custody of their two kids, and I have full custody of my two. At first the schedule was dictated by her. It was hard on us and the kids, two days at our house, one day at moms, three days at our house, falling on EVERY weekend. Despite this, I came into the situation being nice. I would offer to help out if she needed, say hi when I saw her, wave if I passed her in the car. Then I realized that every week the kids or her needed something and he was constantly running over there. I finally pushed to get a more structured schedule, and eliminate his trips to her house. I don't think she liked this much. It meant she would have the kids every other weekend. The kids also bragged about how well I cooked, and did things. She is the type that has fake boobs, lots of make up, hair always done, huge jewelry, lacks intelegance and everything is baised on her and her outward appearance. That being said you would think the kids would be dressed well, and more put together. Not the case, at first everytime they showed up at out house the 8 year boy would be wearing 4t clothing, the girl totally miss matched, and everything we sent that fit, she would keep. This was the first small bits. We had announced we were getting married, and in public she would actually even act excited, and happy for us. Then she through a curve ball when I moved in, she tried to have the custody papers read that we could not sleep under the same roof with the children unless we were married. We ignored her plea, and he threw more money her way, that's all it was really about. She was so used to commanding attention from my husband she couldn't get it any more. So she began showing up to things dressed well, like a stripper. 50 degrees outside with strapless shirts on. My mother fell ill with cancer, and I had gained 29 lbs. and was traveling to and from 8 hrs every other week for 8 months. When my mother passed the ex did nothing to help out with her own children. Typical things like during baseball season, she wouldn't wash the boys uniform, she couldn't feed them before the games, and even on the days she had them wouldn't send a drink to practice or games. But no less she'd show up with Giant bling on and brand new clothing. Finally one after noon, she calls and ask me if we could grab the kids to get them to the ball field on time. I of course said yes, we did however have to re arrange to do so. That night she concocted some idea that my husband skipped her son's game to watch my son play. (Mind you we coached her daughter's team, and never missed any of the 4 kids games up to this point.) What she didn't know is he had to go home and work on something for work the next morning, that previously he would have had done if we hadn't done her a favor. My self I was at night school. She actually text and said, "oh so now you're not coming to your own son's game!" Needless to say her texting went on for 3 hours. This was typical of her tantrums. After a year of this sort of stuff, I had enough. I waited until I encountered her again, and let her have it!!! I informed her that she should be so bold to attack us when she had her facts wrong, as usual, and that he wasn't her husband and it was no longer exeptable for her to text him like that any more. She has sense stopped. Karma has played out in every way too. I dropped all my weight, and she's picked up 80 lbs. She has man after man around the kids, and can't keep a steedy relationship. Her daughter has voiced she wished I was her mom....In between men, her focuss is turned on me, she follows me around the parking lot were we pick the kids up from school, and stares at me. She goes as far as to escort the 16 yr girl to her car so she wont say hi to me. She even be friended his crazy sister that hated her out wardly for 15 years, so that she can remain in contact with that side...whole nether crazy story. She calls here over every little thing, they got sick, they got a scrape, and over reacts, like she doesn't know what to do, but If I take the phone and give her advice when she gets off the phone, says to the kids, does she think I can't handle my own kids? Uh yeah you called, so no you obviously can't. Lately the kids have been sick, on her duty, she waits until their with us, then pesters us to take them to the doctor. Last week the daughter got a prescription written for a UTI, and had to return to moms, so we dropped it off, and informed her she needed to pick it up...she never did, a week later we are finding out. She fusses at even spending 12$ on a prescription, for HER kids. Yet we pick up the tab for the actual doctor's visit's. He pays her support even though we have them half the month 50/50. She won't buy the daughter clothing unless, it's what she want's and can wear it. The selfish list goes on. She sit's drinking by herself when their there, and ignore's them. Doesn't feed them until 9 or later, when that's bedtime. And the 6 days straight she does have them, they spend with her father, he has them all after noon. They have been so neglected by her. If you meet this woman you know clearly how deep her selfishness runs by looking at her. Only my confusion comes from she gets horribly jealous everytime I do something for the kids. Last one was the daughter had a military ball to go to...she came to me and asked me to buy her a dress, and get her hair done...expressed she didn't want mom to...so I did. Now here's the thing, if I had said no, let you're mother do it...I would have been a stinking rotten step mom any way, instead she threw tantrums all week long and faught with the child. I can't do anything to get this woman to leave me alone...she even moved down the road from us, yes you heard that right, and drives by our house a few times a day. It puts my husband and I on edge all of the time, and a tremendous amount of strain on the kids. I ignore her now, I don't wave hello, I don't do her favor's and I certainly do not go any where she may be. Most normal people would be happy that the kids got a step mother that is always there for them, and provides well for them. Instead I got jerk who is always jealous, and looking to find flaw. My hope is she'll re marry, and experience an ex wife like her self, and karma will then come full circle.
ASTEIN1062 on February 24, 2012:
The best way to get these people to stop is to always let them know you are happy and NOTHING they do can get you upset! When confronted with children's games you can only act as an adult and when those kids get old enough they will see the truth. Karma is the best revenge.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on February 23, 2012:
Dear She is driving me to divorce,
Please DO NOT EVER consider death as an option. Don't let this win out over you. When you feel all is lost and you're at the very end of your rope, please think about your children; especially the 1 year old. Your children need their mom, not just for monetary support. Be strong for your children. Show them what a strong person you can be so that they can also become strong people. Your children will respect and look up to you so much when they see what you have, can, a will be able to overcome in your life.
I'm praying for you!
she is driving me to divorce on February 23, 2012:
I understand. I am both the mother of children with step mom's and a step mom. I was a little upset at first, when my daughter started "hanging out" and "loving" her "other mom" BUT I also know that I am the only "MOM" she ever wants to be... JUST AS MY STEP DAUGHTER FEELS HER MOTHER IS. I mean, no matter how much better I feel I am as a parent, I can never replace her MOM. Unfortunately. I feel that this woman is the bane of my existence. I seriously feel like divorcing my husband because she keeps taking him to court. Doing more damage. Making shit up... It's EXHAUSTING! I can't take it. With my own 4 kids (one being a year old) and all this shit, I just want to END IT! It's too much!! I don't know how to deal with it. You can't argue the FACTS. Because these women are insane. I just want to end it. All. .... sometimes death seems the only option. But I can't even do that... I NEED to support my family. NOBODY ELSE CAN OR WILL! It's the suck.
F.C.M. on February 23, 2012:
I'M GLAD TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE!! SO SORRY TO HEAR U WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT! I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SOME"MOMS" CAN BE SO SELFISH! I'M GOING THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR.. WE'VE HAD MY STEP SON FOR A YR AND MY HUSBAND CONTINUES TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT.. SHE EVEN HAD THE CHILD DECLARED DISABLED.. SINCE HE WAS ABOUT4! HE IS 12 NOW... AND WE DIDNT EVEN KNOW THIS. SHE WAS IN HOUSING, SHE GOT CHILD SUPPORT, SSI, WELFARE, AND THE CHILD NEVER HAD ANYTHING NEW.. EVERYTIME SHE WOULD BUY HIM SOMETHING IT WOULD BE FROM GARAGE SALES.. NEEDLESS TO SAY SSI IS GOING AFTER HER FOR FRAUD AND I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT SHE DESERVES WHATS COMING!
Bonnie on February 23, 2012:
My husband and I have been married 28 years and just this weekend, we had a blow-up with my step-son involving the x-wife, his mother. Even before we got married, she issued an order of protection against me because she didn't want me in the car with my husband when he came to pick up his kids for weekends or during the week. She has pulled every stunt in the book, being gone when he came to pick up the kids for the weekend; not allowing the kids to go to school functions because their dad would be there to watch them; ruining the home that the owned together so when it was sold it was worth nearly nothing and on and on.
I have two children, he has two children and we ended up going to court and winning custody of his two boys. Our kids love each other. The hatred from her has never ceased, nor the hateful things she does, over all these years and we have just tried to ignore it. We now have grandchildren from my children.
The latest blow-up occurred because my step-son and his girlfriend took my grandson with them to shop for a new TV. We were happy, the grandson is troubled and a very good kid but got into drugs and his mom and my husband and I are all struggling trying to get him on the straight and narrow again. My husband told the stepson about it and made it clear we did not want the x-wife to know of our grandson's problems. He washes dishes where she works as a waitress and she is still very volatile and one never knows what she is capable of doing.
The step-son and his girlfriend of about 2 1/2 yrs came over the evening after they had been shopping. He began talking about their day and mentioned his mother asked my grandson why he was grounded and he told her. I was immediately angry, how could my step-son allow his mother in on my grandson's problems when we specifically asked him to keep this from her. He also had my grandson hookup her new TV and fix her garage door, then mentioned that my grandson told him that he doesn't like my daughter and her boyfriend going our drinking all the time, all in front of his mother or so I thought.
We were watching a TV program together so I waited until it was over and then I said that I never wanted my grandson and his mother together again and certainly never wanted my grandkids business discussed in front of her. He began to say how he could understand and respect how I felt and his girlfriend broke in to defend the xwife. I told her no, stay of our this, you don't know what she is capable of and I was getting angrier and angrier. She kept going and would not stop. I had to stand up and turn my back on her and she still wouldn't stop, she came after me. My husband told them it was time to leave and she kept yelling and me and I yelled back but nothing more than she should stay out of it and just be quiet.
My husband and I are going to see a family counselor now because we are in our 60's now and this kind of emotional roller coaster just has to stop. I think we have to set limits on all of our kids about what they do and he just doesn't know what to do. The step-son immediately wants his dad to leave me after 28 years of marriage and many many good times, but this is how his mother has poisoned his mind. It will never end unless my husband get help and figure out what we can do to end this black cloud over our marriage and family.
Would love to hear any support that anyone can offer. Thank you.
ASTEIN1062 on February 23, 2012:
I believe that this behavior in women can only be stopped when this act of child abuse becomes punishable by law. Therapists already think of PAS as the most brutal form of child abuse and will not stop till law makers make this punishable by loosing the children or jail time!
I am the "Targeted" parent and when we separated we sat down with all three children and told them that we loved them very much and that this was an issue between mom and dad and had nothing to do with them.
Shortly after I moved out she retained an attorney and filled for divorce. I was then issued an order of protection and subsequently arrested twice. The first time was going to her house to pick up equipment for a job!( She owned the company and I worked for her ) My helper got out of the truck and I sat in the truck in the street and this violated the "Stay Away" and the second was an email about visitation and I ended the email with " I hope you can stop hurting the three people we love the most and move on with your life and find happiness as I did" This violated the no contact outside the children and the business.
I have had to deal with CPS, Law guardians, substance and DV evaluations (I was not recommended for either) and I get to see my children only one hour a week in a supervised setting. To date there has not been one bit of evidence that was "Founded" and I was forced to fire my second divorce attorney as his lack of legal fighting has rendered me into a situation of temporary support that is just ridicules. I do not know anyone that can support more than $6K a month in support and maintenance.
The money aside I must understand why she is doing this and no one can stop her.
Missy Mu on February 22, 2012:
First of all, I'd like to say, thank you for putting that all out there. It is like reading my life story, and even though it's sort of 'revelling in others misery' it is still comforting to know that we aren't alone. My husband's ex is a psycho. He keeps a magnet on our fridge that says 'it's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho forever'. So true.
Thank you, again.
Anthony on February 22, 2012:
Can a man post a comment?
Why is it that some women do this and can justify it in their heads as protecting the children? I have been researching PAS and believe all the research! “It is the most heinous form of child abuse" This form of abuse should carry a heavy penalty such as prison or permanent removal of the children and given to the "Targeted" parent. I believe that if it was a "CRIME" parents would not do this and divorce could be a little more civil.
Samia on February 21, 2012:
OMG I really thought that it was only me I'm serious thank God i found this Nikki stay strong as wives we took on so much and most of the time all an ex girlfriend have to do is use the kids (I do love the kids).. it really breaks my heart. God put the marriage together so he is on our side. an ex-girl-friend is like a bad smell
Chelsea on February 20, 2012:
Wow! It's so great to know that I'm not alone in this. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 4. He has 3 kids from his previous marriage (a son and 2 daughters) ages 10, 12, and 14. I have a 9 year old son from my previous marriage. Also we have a 2 year old daughter together. His ex-wife is an absolute nutcase! First of all, she got engaged only 3 months after their divorce was finalized. But get this: she got engaged TO HIS EX-BEST FRIEND! Look, I know that some people move on quicker than others and everyone is different, but 3 months and to his ex-best friend? Really?? She obviously didn't think about the fact that the kids were still trying to adjust to the life changes they'd just been through, and maybe seeing their mother with another man so soon would make things more emotionally difficult and confusing for them, especially since they were so young at the time. And to see their mother dating someone who used to be a close friend of their father's and who'd been around almost their whole lives, can you imagine how confusing that must have been for them? She was clearly only considering herself in this matter. Also my husband had already been betrayed enough by this guy in the past (hence them not being friends anymore...) and then she decided to marry him because apparently my husband's feelings didn't matter anymore since they were divorced. Also, I hate to assume, but her jumping into a relationship with this guy immediately after her marriage.ended, indicates to me that maybe there was something already going on previously between the two. Or, they were always secretly interested in each other and didn't waste any time once the opportunity arrived for them to be together. Anyway, she married the guy 3 months after the engagement which was only 6 months after the divorce.
I met my husband later that year and by then she had become even more of a hellish ex-wife to him. She was taking huge portions of his paychecks and just being a selfish, demanding b*tch. She wouldn't co-operate with him on anything, and everything had to be her way. Whenever my husband chose to do something his way, she would accuse him of being selfish and doing the "bare minimum" to help her out, when in fact he was doing more than enough to be a supportive, excellent father.
Things weren't instantly sour between her and I...she seemed okay at first. Of course I wasn't a huge fan of hers based on the things I'd heard about her, but she hadn't done anything wrong to me and there was no reason for me not to be polite, so I was. The first time we met she was actually quite pleasant, a little annoying but nothing bad. Despite things being a bit awkward, it wasn't terrible meeting her. Anyway, my husband and I had been dating for about 2 months when the drama between her and I started. Here's what started everything: One day my husband needed to pick something up from her house, something one of the kids had brought there but he needed it back (I can't remember what it was). He was called into work early that night so he asked me if I could get it. I felt a little awkward about it but I said I didn't mind. He called her to let her know I would be coming over. She was very pleasant when I arrived, and I just said a quick hello because I wasn't sure what else to say because I felt awkward, so while she was talkative and lively, I remained somewhat reserved and quiet. Then she told me I could step inside if I wanted to, while she went to get the item from the other room. I didnt see the point since she would be back in literally 10 seconds and it wasn't that cold out, so I just pretended I didn't hear her and looked down at my phone pretending to text. When she came back to the door she seemed insulted that I was stilling standing outside. Anyway, when I got home I didn't think things had gone badly...I was polite and so was she. WELL, then my husband called and told me there was an angry message from her on his phone. She said that I was rude to her and I'm stuck up, and she didn't appreciate my snotty attitude. I had done absolutely nothing wrong to her, and it was laughable to me that she would say that because there was no reason for her to be upset with me at all. But I decided to not let it bother me and I just told my husband that I'd rather not interact with her alone anymore. I didn't dislike her yet at this point, but I didn't understand what her problem was.
So about 2 weeks later, my husband and I attended a friend's surprise anniversary party. Well, guess who else was invited? Yep, my husband's ex-wife. Because the person who the party was being thrown for was a mutual friend of theirs, from when they were married. Anyway, we didn't really see much of her during the evening because there were so many people there. Then at the end of the evening my husband and I were walking to his car, and his ex was walking toward us (I didn't even notice her because my husband and I were chatting) all of the sudden I felt somebody side brush me quite hard, bumping right into my shoulder, as if trying to push me over. My husband and I had our arms linked so he felt the jolt too from my other side. I looked over to my left and saw that it was his ex who had bumped me. She continued walking past me with a proud smirk on her face. All I could think was "What the hell? What is her problem?" but I didn't say anything because I didn't see the point in starting more drama. I just snickered to myself at how ridiculous she was behaving. My husband wasn't even sure what to say, but he was appalled by her behavior. Since then she has made every effort to make me seem like the b*tch and make it seem like I'm the one who had a problem with her first, which is not the truth. I didn't dislike her until her pathetic attempt at trying to shove me, when I had done nothing to her! She is constantly accusing me of hating her (I don't HATE anybody), and she is constantly twisting my words around whenever I speak to her....trying to make it seem like I meant something offensive. I'm getting sick of being constantly refered to as snotty, arrogant, cold, mean, and everything else she says. In the past there have been times where we've tried to have civil discussions so that we can make things better, because the tension between us can sometimes stress the kids out, but it always turns into an argument. So I decided to stop trying to reason with her. I've come to the conclusion that she's crazy, and I try to avoid interacting with her whenever possible. Also that way she can't complain to my husband about what an "attitude problem" I apparently have. This has been going on for 5 years and seems never ending! It's just so childish and immature! She just can't seem to let go of arguments that have happened in the past and she's always bringing up things that happened years ago! I don't even know what her problem was to begin with. Anyway, sorry about this post being so long but I definitely needed to vent. Take care!
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on February 20, 2012:
You're welcome, and thank you for commenting. I'm glad my post is able to help people in some type of way. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Hope you're doing well.
needadvice1981 on February 20, 2012:
I can relate to your situation but my boyfriend and I are not married. We have been together for 2 years and I am expecting. When my boyfriend and I met, he and his ex-wife had been divorced for 2 years. She was unfaithful twice and left everything behind. Her husband, at the time, and her son.
She has found a reason to be angry about almost everything that my boyfriend and I do. Last summer she was mad at us for going to a baseball game with friends. She lashed out at me verbally in a parking lot. The courts in the state that I live in wouldn't do anything and claimed that she was physically violent so I basically I had no case for harassment. She was clearly filling her son's head full of BS because the next 2 months with him was very difficult. It required us having to reprogram him when he would come home. The custody is supposed to split in half. We have him Saturday morning or afternoon, whenever she feels like dropping him off, no structure, all day Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings before he goes to school. She picks him up Wednesday afternoon, Thursday afternoon, Friday afternoon and typically brings him home Saturday morning or early afternoon. I really would rather he stay at home with his Father and I 100% of the time. Anyway those 2-3 following months after her little melt down in a parking lot was very difficult. My step-son seemed to come around after some time went by but I continue to wonder what she fills his head with. Biologically he's going to believe his Mother. At that age why would a child look at either of his parents and think "you're crazy". They look to the parents for guidance and advice.
Now she is well aware that I am expecting. My step-son seems excited, or as excited as a 14 year old boy can get, about having a little brother coming soon. The ex continues with her games. Now she blaming my boyfriend for being irresponsible for getting my pregnant. Not that it's any of her business but we planned this. We are not married because almost every marriage I know has ended in divorce. We are happy and if marriage happens in our future, wonderful. I just don't want it right now. I love my boyfriend very much and his son as if he were my own. I just don't think I we need to be married to please her or anyone. She continues to point the finger and blame my boyfriend for being irresponsible? She is certainly not the poster child for RESPONSIBILITY. She cheated on her husband and family in the work place, lost her job, got another job, cheated again with a different man, left her family and moved in with the man that she cheated with. She advises my boyfriend that their son has taken a back seat to my boyfriends new life. That isn’t the truth at all.
I don't care if she thinks we are responsible or not. And I really don’t care what she thinks but I do care about what my step-son thinks. It’s very important that he form his own opinions of everything in his life. If she is telling how to feel or is pressuring him in any way to do, say or feel a way that she wants him to, that’s not right. I suspect that this is what is going on and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Those who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones.
Nikki, thank you for sharing your stories. I hope to see more posts/comments from you. It's therapeutic to be able to relate to others that are going through similar experiences.
Thank you for the opportunity to vent.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on February 20, 2012:
Thank you for your comment. I do see where you're coming from, however I feel I must let you know that I was not the one who ignited the fire. I know on these things we cannot always get out all of every situation as I would take so long to explain every detail that the typing would be constant and forever flowing. The ex was the one who had started the "battle" with her words. I had been nice and sitting on the sidelines never opening my mouth to her until that incident. Sure I could have continued with silence but there is only so much a person can take before they snap. I'm sure there was a point in your life at one time or another where you have snapped out of tiredness or some other sort of reason. I think everyone has reached a point like that in their lives at one time or another. I didn't call her that because she said no. I called her that after her constant rant of nasties.
Sure everyone deserves a break and a party sometimes but this is a multiple times a week thing for her. Now, without the au pair, she just leaves the oldest at home ALL OF THE TIME to watch the other ones so she can go party. She even leaves them home alone overnight so she can party, get drunk and sleep at her boyfriend's house. Every time we video chat with them, they're home alone and the oldest is "babysitting" her siblings.
Thank you again for your comment. I hope I shed a little more light on my point of view of the situation.
NikkiSpangler (author) from Pennsylvania on February 20, 2012:
My HUSBAND had been divorced from his EX-WIFE for years before I met him. I may have gotten pregnant early into the relationship but he WAS SINGLE and had been so for some time. WE ARE MARRIED and have been for almost 4 years now. Somewhere along the line, you must have gotten your information mixed up. I am only assuming, but seems to me that maybe what you have accused me and my husband of, is probably what you have experienced in your own life. I could be wrong, but seems to me you're feeling very strongly about what you thought we did and it seems like your angry is stemming from your own personal feelings and issues.
I hope you are able to move forward from your own tragedies in life as I and a lot of them other women who have posted on this blog have and are trying to do.
Ali on February 18, 2012:
I am so glad to know that there are others out their dealing with a situation so similar to my own. Sometimes I honestly do not know how to deal, but knowing that I am not alone really helps.