Coping With Your Husband's Retirement

Work Is One of the Main Ways We Gauge Our Place in Society

Retirement changes the dynamics of our relationships. This is especially true in marriage. On the last day that people leave work permanently, aware of it or not, they lose one of the most obvious ways in which they gauge their place in society.

Additionally, they are faced with the choice of what to do with the rest of their life. People who retire often go from a routine that fills much of their day to one in which they have way too much free time. More than anything, this free time affects your primary relationships, especially that of a spouse.

Whether retirement is viewed as a positive or negative event often depends on the reasons for retiring. Some people choose to retire, having looked forward to quitting unpleasant work or to pursuing more fulfilling interests. Others find themselves forced to retire before they are mentally ready.

A significant portion of retirees have trouble coping with the consequences of retirement. People who retire unexpectedly because of illness or job loss, or those who tend to work long hours, bringing work home with them, may have the most difficulty adjusting to retirement.

Retirement Can Create Problems for Many Couples

Here are just some of the problems that can arise after a partner retires from work:

• Spouses may have to adjust to seeing more of each other;
• Some retirees have difficulty coping with reduced income;
• Some resent their diminished role in society;
• Some believe themselves no longer important and powerless;
• Some feel they have nothing left to contribute.

As a result, retirement often has a sudden and stressful impact on marriage. Many couples spend their remaining years together feeling miserable. They cannot adjust to the realities of retirement.

This fact makes you question if all of us are really supposed to retire. If you think about it—throughout history, people worked until they died or were physically or mentally incapacitated. It's only in relatively recent times that the concept of "retirement" came about. Maybe for some retirees, a better solution is to find a better job, a new direction in the pursuit of passion, and not to quit work entirely.

Remember, there are many lifestyle changes in retirement that affect marriage. The biggest may be the most important—spouses now spend more time together. This is the one factor I'd like to address in this article.

The longer a couple is married, the less likely they will divorce, even if they have significant marital problems. After many years of marriage, there are just too many motivations to remain together—many of them having to do with the needs of the extended family. Often couples who can't get along merely sidestep each other rather than divorce.

Before retirement, an unhappy couple could effectively tiptoe around each other because at least one of them was busy working. Retirement, of course, ruins that. Now, you are spending 24/7 with someone who you haven't gotten along with for years. You can blame it on retirement, but the truth is—you've probably never learned to adjust to each other. Now, you are forced to do something about that. Hopefully, the outcome will be a solution to issues you should have resolved years ago in your marriage.

The years that a husband and wife have spent creating independent lifestyles now come back to haunt them. They can sometimes worry that they have little left in common. Throughout their marriage, they failed to generate common interests. They did nothing to build compatibility. Rather than building a relationship on the basis of shared respect and warmth, they ignored each other's feelings. Thus, in reality, they have missed out on a lifetime of marital happiness. Don't let this happen to you when you retire!

Design Your Own Solution

The good news is there are solutions, some of which include:

• Creating a retirement lifestyle that you both enjoy;
• Creating a retirement lifestyle that meets the needs of both partners;
• Learning to eliminate personal habits that make your relationship miserable;
• Learning to avoid hurting each other;
• Learning to meet each other's needs;
• Learning to give each other some private time every day.

Finally, remember the good times you've had in the past. Look for ways to create new ones. Make new memories. Forgive and forget the old hurts and begin again with the goal of having the best marriage any two people can in your retirement years.

From a Personal Standpoint: The Realities of Retirement

We looked forward to retirement. We thought we'd prepared financially. We talked endlessly about traveling around the world, building our dream house, building more ponds, experimenting with solar power, and working on various conservation and preservation projects.

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While all of those things were fine in theory, they proved to be very different in reality. Being together 24/7 soon had a big impact on both of us. My husband had worked for thirty-seven hard years, working a union job, completely on call 24/7 for all of that career. Typically, he would be gone for several days at a time, home for even less, and back out again. As much as both of us looked forward to him being home more often, the shock of that reality was more than either of us bargained for.

At the same time, I primarily worked from home with intermittent business trips. This arrangement afforded me lots of time for the creativity that my interests and income depended upon. When my husband was home for a few days, I simply took a break and devoted myself to enjoying the moments we had together.

Suddenly and unexpectedly retired, he was not only under my feet, but I found that the kitchen was "always open." Since he doesn't cook and has no intentions of learning to, to find myself a domestic goddess on a daily basis was quite a shock. I'd no sooner get one meal done and cleaned up after, and he'd be asking about the next meal. Then, with so much time on his hands, he'd be explaining to me that I wasn't preparing the dish right, that "my mother would put this or that in the same recipe." His need to be in control and micromanage the household, needless to say, led to this behavior getting old fast.

While we worked through those issues, new developments were more difficult. He began to suffer from anxiety and depression. His expectations regarding retirement were waylaid by health problems, and those health problems necessitated a move from the very rural community we'd always lived in to a new environment where he could get the care he needed to survive. Uprooting him from all he had ever known and changing everything that he had dreamed of with respect to his retirement was a bitter bite of a reality sandwich.

He wasn't the type of man who had his own feelings of self-worth tied to his employment and career. So, it was another surprise when he just didn't know who he was anymore. The nature of his career had left no time for developing hobbies or special passions, and the move to another part of the country left him feeling very lost.

Illness triggered depression and anxiety over getting older, married to the knowledge that his own mortality questions, were very real concerns—problems that just about ruined any chance for happiness in retirement. Left to his own devices, he was on a road to isolation and feelings of hopelessness. To say he was homesick for his old life was putting it mildly.

His retirement was an extremely difficult road to navigate, and trying to find him a new sense of direction was a troublesome challenge. For a while, we were stuck in an impasse. He had not cultivated any interests, his previous dreams dashed because of illness, he soon was falling apart emotionally, and he'd pretty much lost his will to live. So, as his wife, I felt fairly desperate.

He had never cultivated any other interest in life other than those limited dreams about a future retirement. When the context of his single focus was no longer viable, his life fell apart, and he lost his desire to live. He simply had no tools to deal with all that retirement had become. I had little choice but to try to get help from outside ourselves. That, in itself, was difficult since no one really had any answers.

I discussed the situation with family and his many physicians. He wouldn't have accepted any help, even if it was offered, and basically, it wasn't. Left on my own to cope with an unhappy retired husband, I knew that we both had a very difficult adjustment to get through. More than anything, he needed to feel that he was still desirable, valuable, and important to the rest of the world.

I had to walk a delicate tightrope in making sure that during his illness, he did not feel a burden, nor could I allow him to think his life was not inessential. What worked for us? Well, here is my list:

• Even though he had no interest and was dead set against taking any classes (terminally shy)—I got him to take a Master Gardener class with me. There, he learned more about plants, trees, diseases, etc., than this "I know it all" farmer ever dreamed was possible. It forced him to interact with others at a time when he very much wanted to curl up and die.
• I volunteered him for some physical "jobs" at our church that he supposedly had no interest in doing, but immensely enjoyed when he learned that his sheer physical size and strength was appreciated.
• I made sure he spent time outside with grandchildren and their friends. For a man who had never been allowed to be a kid—I had the biggest kid of all, at the local swimming holes and beaches. Knowing that they value him and he's still their hero, helps tremendously.
• I made sure that everyday, despite the fact that it still can be trying to be together with another person 24/7—I let him know how much I still love him.

Finally, I'd like to remind anyone struggling to cope with your spouse's retirement—to keep in mind, that while we must confront our insignificant issues and look at the big picture—the comfort and joy in the companionship of being alive with someone you love, more than compensates for the trials and adjustments of retirement.

Disclaimer: This article is for information, inspiration, and support and is not a substitute for professional marital advice.

Further Reading

• How to Write the Perfect Love Letter to Your Husband...
  Love letters are typically written by men to their women, often during times of separation, and women aren't schooled in how to effectively communicate their love with their husbands and boyfriends.
• What to Do If You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your ...
  I'm not attracted to my husband sexually. What can I do about this? This is a common problem many women face. In this article, I will discuss the ways in which you can work through and solve this issue.
• Christian Perspective: Staying Happily Married Thoug...
  Many spouses end the marriage citing incompatibility as the cause, but happiness in marriages lasts because the spouses are wise, not always because they are compatible.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

How Have You Coped with Your Spouse's Retirement?

Eileen on May 23, 2017:

My husband retired one and a half years ago. Had a few ideas when he retired what he may like to do and has done "nothing" about them. I've hinted about 'volunteering', part time jobs, etc. and he has NO interest in anything! No friends to talk to, is a bit depressed and I've given up on any kind of hints as to what I think he would enjoy! He is at home, ALWAYS at home!! Help! Merci.

Loretta kelley on October 31, 2016:

having a personal relationship, with Jesus Christ has changed my life a lot! I have so much peace, even in bad times, he helps me and my husband to come together, praying for my husband is a blessing, and you will see the difference. just pray this simple prayer, if you want Jesus in your heart, say Jesus come into my heart, I accept you as my personal Lord and savior, I believed you died, for me on the cross, and rose again, Amen

Jenny Watson on August 31, 2015:

Retirement sucks. My husband watches TV all day, check travel maps and reads. If I try to talk to him, he is always angry. I am so ready to leave and be by myself.

poetryman6969 on January 04, 2014:

I am planning to drive her crazy!

cs on November 13, 2013:

My husband retired from the military 3 years ago. He promised that he would get part time work...It has not happened. He is perfectly happy trying to manage me. I can't have lunch with my friends..he tags along..If there is ANY noise in the house..he has to know what it is. I fitness classes to get out of my house, but I WANT to have alone time in my own home. My relationship with my daughters has suffered as well because when he was in the military we did everything together. Now..one is away at college and though the other is home, we rarely do anything alone together. He has 0 friends...All of his friends, he's met through me. And he complains..all day..talks at the news, during shows..I clocked it one night..He talked for 27 minutes straight. I really at this point am SO tired of it all. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a complainer, and I feel that ANYTHING I say or do to him is a DIRECT attack on his person. I don't love him enough, I don't spend enough time with him...(we're always together). He's bored and I'm paying for it...WHAT do I do? I'm literally steps from running out the door...

mary on April 20, 2013:

Unfortunately due to health issues,my husband was forced to retire from the job he loved more than his family. In 2008 at the age of 43,23 years of constantly going in the military. We are getting ready to have our 25th anniversary and he has not adjusted well. He has no hobbies unlike myself. I love children and since ours are grown and we don't see our own grandchildren I was helping a friend who wanted to get back in the work force by watching her three small children several days a week. My husbands anger and depression over his retirement and blaming me for his unhappiness led him last year to start an online affair. I found out in december that the other woman came down and they met qnd had sex. When I confronted him about what I knew,he said he loved her and wasn't happy in our marrige and wanted to be with her. He left on jan 1 without saying a word. After being gone 2days and being with her his health issues gave hum a scare and he calles saying he was coming home. He hasn't admitted to his affair,hasn't apologized nor has he decided what he wants to do. We have tried counseling,but until he makes the step to end it with her completely I don't see the use in going. He is still at home,but he won't talk to me about anything. I take care of all the cooking,most of the cleaning and get blamed for his unhappiness. He says he busted his butt for 23yrs and what does he have to show for it? I am so depressed and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him so he won't talk to anyone. Any suggestions? I've already lost 65 lbs in 4 months I can't afford to lose any more. Its like we are roommates that don't really like each other but tolerate each other.

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on April 26, 2011:

Thanks tillsontitan! It certainly can be done, and it certainly isn't easy.

Thanks BobbiRant!

Thanks Dave Sibole! He was a wise man.

Dave Sibole from Leesburg, Oh on April 18, 2011:

Great Hub. I haven't retired yet, but feel semi-retired. My hours at work have been cut back to 25/wk. So similar adjustment have had to be made especially financial. That said I remember vividly a comment my mom made when my dad retired: "The kids are grown now, you can go your way and I'll go mine." I'll never know what prompted that comment but he must have straightened up because they never did part.

BobbiRant from New York on April 17, 2011:

I think if you don't get along well in retirement then the couple was kidding themselves all those years about being in love and having a strong relationship. A couple, Any couple has to 'like' each other before any love is ever strong. This is my second marriage and believe me, I know now what makes a good relationship, retirement or not.

Mary Craig from New York on March 22, 2011:

Great hub. I've been fortunate. I retired in December. My husband's been retired 8 years. We had a winter that kept us snowed in together and we're still talking ;) Our adjustment has actually been seamless. Less money, cut back on things you don't need. It's not easy but can be done.

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on January 29, 2011:

Thanks Svea! I've always worked from home so it was and always will be an adjustment.

Svea from Florida on January 29, 2011:

Great hub. My husband and I have avoided many of the problems because we continue to work part-time. I am not sure how long my husband will be able to because he is expremely fit at 70 but he is a handyman and some of the jobs are ardous. He loves it and frankly we need the money. I continue to teach college, but now I am teaching evenings (two classes a week). It really keeps me motivated, and I love it so much I am planning to

continue as long as I can

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on January 17, 2011:

Thanks goodycamp!

goodycamp from Texas on January 17, 2011:

Great job describing problems and coping with spousal retirement. Creates a great awareness to the issue a lot of people don't even know or think about.

Go to http://www.askretirementquestions.com/ to get answers

to your retirement questions.

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on November 30, 2010:

Thanks Aussieteacher! I didn't but it's a struggle even years later to adjust to being together 24/7.

Di from Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. on November 29, 2010:

I know many couples who are not managing this period well. Many of my women friends want to live along - and I am one, and I left.

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on September 23, 2010:

Thanks mandatory retirement! There's a lot to be said for going with the flow.

mandatory retirement on September 14, 2010:

My husband recently retired and I found the best way to handle it was to leave him alone. He's perfectly capable and more than willing to fill every moment of his time doing anything that needs to be done. Why fight it!

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on September 04, 2010:

Thanks retirementvillage!

retirementvillage from Philippines on May 26, 2010:

Thanks Wei, for sharing this hub its has a lots of tips on coping with your retirement partner...this will make relationship much stronger and active!

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on December 07, 2009:

Thanks Duchess OBlunt!

Duchess OBlunt on December 06, 2009:

Great Hub.

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on August 06, 2009:

Thanks Dad Wei!

Dad Wei on August 05, 2009:

I'm amazed by your writing abilities! Keep up the good work!! Dad Wei

Jerilee Wei (author) from United States on April 18, 2009:

Thanks Debra! Socializing is very important.

Debra on January 05, 2009:

Very helpful information! It is important help our partners cope with their retirement. Socializing is one important factor.