Musavir Abbas is an author with a passion for helping others find happiness and success in their relationships.
Cyber love and cyber sex
“I've done everything I could to the best of my ability. Thank you for the unconditional love and cyber hugs. You inspire me.”
Cyberlove is a romantic relationship consisting mainly of computer-mediated
communication. Despite the fact that the partner is physically remote and is to a certain extent anonymous, in one important aspect this relationship is similar to an offline romantic relationship – the emotion of love is experienced as fully and as intensely as in an offline relationship.
In a broad sense, cybersex refers to all types of sexually related activities
offered in cyberspace. In this sense, the viewing of sexually explicit materials
on the Internet is also a type of cybersex. Since this article is concerned with personal relationships, I am less interested in this type of cybersex and will use the term in the narrower sense, referring to social interaction between at least two people who are exchanging real-time digital messages in order to become sexually aroused.
People send provocative and erotic messages to each other, with the purpose of bringing each other to orgasm as they masturbate together in real-time. These messages are typically sent via private communication, such as an email or instant message, but can also be part of a public chat room – in which case, they could be considered as public sexual activity. The messages may be of various types – video, audio, and text-based; here I mainly refer to text-based cybersex.
In cybersex (or in slang, “cybering”), people describe body characteristics to one another, verbalize sexual actions and reactions, and make-believe that the virtual happenings are real.
“I'm thinking about getting a computer so I can have cybersex," Grandma said. "Anybody know how that works?" "You go into a chat room," Valerie said. "And you meet someone. And then you type dirty suggestions to each other." "That sounds like fun," Grandma said. "How does the sex part happen?" "You sort of have to do the sex part yourself." "I knew it was too good to be true," Grandma said. "There's always a catch to everything.”
Cybersex requires the articulation of sexual desire to an extent that would be most unusual in face-to-face encounters. In cyberspace, that which often remains unspoken must be put into words.
When people are involved in cybersex, they cannot actually kiss each other, but nevertheless, the kiss they may send is emotionally vivid and its emotional impact is often similar to that of an actual kiss. Our active role in cyberspace makes this environment more exciting and seductive than that of daydreams, erotic novels, or X-rated movies; hence the temptation to engage in sexual activities is greater.
Experience of different individuals
- A married man whose wife of fourteen years is having cybersex, reports: “I offered a compromise and suggested that she read adult stories or look at pictures instead of a one-to-one chat. She refused. I even suggested that while she’s cybering, she types, I do the things the other person describes, but she flatly refused and told me that it was a personal chat and is nothing to do with me.” The personal interaction, rather than the mere aspect of imagination, is what excites his wife. Since the line separating passive observation from full interaction has already been crossed in cybersex, it becomes easier to blur the line separating imagination from reality.
- Participants in cyber love take the reality of cyberspace seriously. Thus, people speak of their cyber mates or even their online husbands or online wives. People have even got cyber married and vowed to remain faithful to each other.
- One woman wrote that what attracted her to respond to the first message sent by her online lover, with whom she is now deeply in love, is that he asked her to cyber dance with him. Some women have claimed that they do not want to engage in cybersex with the first person who asks them since they want to save their virtual virginity for the right man.
- Similarly, some say that they do not want to have a one-night cyber stand, but rather wish to have a more extended and meaningful online sexual affair.
- A man who often participates in cybersex writes: I love to cyber; I think it’s great. The only thing is I can’t cyber with
- someone I have never talked to before. Someone sent me a message and went right into cybering without asking my name or if I even wanted to. I know it’s probably silly since the person you cyber with is a stranger, but I would just like to have a regular conversation first. I guess some reality does play a part here because I would not have sex (in real life) with someone whose name I didn’t even know.
Experience of Fake Cyberorgasm
People complain that they now have the added pressure of faking cyberorgasms
too. In one survey, 36% of Net surfers who had engaged in cybersex said they had reached orgasm; 25% said they had faked it, and the rest neither reached orgasm nor faked it. (The percentage of people faking orgasms in offline circumstances seems to be somewhat greater: in one survey, 56% of women and 23% of men claimed to have faked an orgasm.) One married woman described her online sexual partner: he was “self-centered on his part and not very exciting and I found myself faking an orgasm over the computer and thought I had totally lost my mind.” The illusory nature of cyberspace does not diminish the need to resort to the same illusory methods used in offline circumstances.
The presence of interactive characteristics in the imaginary realm of online relationships is a tremendous revolution in personal relationships, as it enables people to reap most of the benefits associated with offline relationships without investing significant resources.
Online Vs. Offline Relationships
The interactive revolution in online romantic and sexual relationships has promoted both greater social interaction and more solitary activities.
In comparison with standard fantasies, online relationships involve more social activities with other people. However, in comparison with offline relationships, many romantic activities are performed while someone is all alone sitting in front of a computer. Take, for example, cybersex. Compared with offline masturbation, cybersex (like phone sex) is much more social interaction, as it is done while communicating with another person. While in offline masturbation, orgasm comes courtesy of the person’s own hands and mind, in cybersex, orgasm also comes courtesy of another person’s mind. Cybersex narrows the gap between masturbation and offline sex, as it involves the active contribution of another person. However, compared with offline sexual relationships, cybersex is less social
and it can in fact reduce the need for actual social interactions.
A book, Love online( Emotions on the Internet) by AARON BEN-ZE'EV, 2004.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2021 MUSAVIR ABBAS