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Abuse Checklists--Interpersonal Relationships, Responses to Stress, Family History/Health

Joy has had a love relationship with Jesus since she was 14, and has taught Christian religious classes to various ages since she was 16.

Subtle Emotional Tones Of Pain

Interpersonal Relationships with Others

How a man treats other people says more about him than it does about them. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.”--Matthew 12:34.

  • Does he speak negatively of other people on a regular basis? If he does, you can bet he'll speak negatively of you as well, and will probably do so behind your back. He may even start smear campaigns.
  • How does he feel about people who are ill? Particularly, how does he feel about visiting them, looking after them, or encouraging them? What are the evidences that he is able and willing to do these things? (James 1:27a--“Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction...” James 5:14 - “Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church [men of spiritual integrity]; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. Proverbs 14:31 “He that oppresseth the poor reproacheth his Maker: but he that honoureth him hath mercy on the poor.”)
  • How does he feel about people who believe differently than he believes, or whose skin color, ethnicity, physique, or financial status is different?
  • How does he treat or speak of other people's animals, particularly of those belonging to neighbors whom he may dislike?
  • If he has been married before, why did the marriage not last? Are you able to speak to his previous partner, or friends and family members, and confirm his story regarding why the relationship failed or terminated?
  • For what reasons would he break up with someone, or divorce?
  • What is his view of God--as a personal Being, aside from a church or denomination?
  • In what ways do his behaviors demonstrate support of basic human rights?
  • How does he treat his siblings and extended family?
  • How does he respond to subjects (and people) that he does not understand, or with which he disagrees?
  • Is he more likely to go out of the way to help a stranger, a neighbor, or a family member?
  • How does he speak of his boss or coworkers?
  • Do his co-workers, family, and neighbors trust him?
  • In what ways is he involved in his community, and do people (including his family) seem to want to work with him? What is his motive in being involved in these activities?
  • If he catches someone doing something morally or ethically wrong, how does he respond?
  • How do other people describe him, particularly his moral qualities?

How Does He Respond To Stress? To Changes?

Some examples of stress which often declare a person’s heart attitude include:

  • road trips
  • family gatherings or activities
  • crying children
  • having someone angry at them
  • feeling helpless or inconvenienced, because of someone else's mistake
  • big chores or projects which they will be working on mostly alone
  • financial hardships or setbacks
  • slow internet connection

Do You Know His History?

Happy or dissatisfied chart.

His Family History and Relationships

You may think that the condition and habits of his family don’t need to influence your relationship . . . but they inevitably will. The very fact that he carries memories and emotions regarding his family of origin means that he is influenced . . . and so is your relationship. Even if you live in another country, and never speak to his family, your man’s habits, resentments, and expectations concerning them will be with you in spirit.

So observe carefully:

  • What does his interaction consist of with his mother? (This will influence how he views you, and what he expects from women in general.) His father? If his parents are deceased, with what attitude does he speak of them?
  • Has he resolved or taking steps to begin resolving any issues left over from his childhood? This includes grievances concerning his mother, father, siblings, or other relatives.
  • At what age did he leave his home of origin, and why did he choose that time?
  • What is the medical history of his family of origin, including mental and emotional disorders such as bipolar, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, narcissism, sociopathic tendencies, or dementia? What is the incidence of alcoholism, drug abuse (including prescription), and depression? Do his verbal attitude and actions match on these topics? In other words, does he walk his talk?
  • How does his family of origin handle disputes? Have there been any disownings? Outcasts? Find out why, and see if you can corroborate the central story. Consider contacting the person in question, and explore their stories, so you can form your own opinion. Use caution about this, and pray through it before taking steps, in case they really are a super toxic person. In general, a phone call probably won’t hurt, but be cautious in exposing your children to the person in question.
  • How was he brought up? What were his parents’ attitudes toward food? Toward sex? Moral questions? Health? Discipline or punishment? Abuse? Money? Jobs or careers? Leisure activities and hobbies? Owning a business? Friends? Education? Religion? Politics? Matters of race or color? Heritage? Pets? Travel? Taking risks? Following dreams?
  • What was the physical condition of his childhood dwelling? At what level did his family live financially?
  • Did he enjoy school, or resent it? Why?
  • Was his childhood basically happy, or miserable?
  • What were his childhood friends like, and how did those friendships come about? Are any of them still in contact?

Will Your Child Identify With the Chaos in This Young Person’s Life?

Genetics matter - yours and your mate’s. But you can begin now to correct problems which you otherwise might pass on, by learning to release negative emotions.

Genetics matter - yours and your mate’s. But you can begin now to correct problems which you otherwise might pass on, by learning to release negative emotions.


Write down your answers to all the questions you can, and look for correlations and patterns. If you are unable to answer most questions, consider postponing a serious relationship with the man (or woman) under consideration.

Also, if he knows you are investigating him, and he resents this . . . consider moving on. If he knows he cannot stand up to scrutiny, he probably has traits which would make you grieve.

You have a right to know what you are getting into, should you make a long-term commitment. You wouldn’t buy a house or car without checking it out; let’s hope you wouldn’t be careless with a lifetime relationship.

Consider taking your own version of this “test”--the results could be enlightening . . . particularly if you have had several relationship failures, and are not sure why.

Conflicting Thoughts

If you are having trouble knowing how to sort out all the thoughts you may be having after going through these questions, this video on cognitive dissonance may be helpful:

Cognitive Dissonance--What It Is, and How to Overcome It

Book: The Healing Code - Beneficial on all levels, and easy to learn.

About The Healing Code

The Healing Code is an easy read, based on a simple energy healing technique. This technique was given to the author in a revelation one day, as he was en route on a flight. It happened so fast that he scarcely had time to write down what he saw.

The technique uses your own body's magnetic energy, through means of hand positions, to “talk” to your main energy pathways (meridians), and specify or encourage healing in your body (and sometimes emotions, too). This method has been known to help heal even “incurable” diseases and conditions. Over time, if practiced daily, it can change your life in remarkable ways.

I include this selection here because physical conditions--especially autoimmune disorders - tend to accompany long-term, distressing situations, such as emotional abuse. Lots of us need help reverting these symptoms, and overcoming such conditions and their residual effects. This technique is an exceptional place to start.

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Abuse and You

For Previous Parts...

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.

© 2018 Joilene Rasmussen

What Are Your Favorite Healing Methods? Please Describe Below. All Comments Welcome.

Joilene Rasmussen (author) from United States on May 05, 2018:

I believe it always takes courage to walk away. We are designed to crave closeness.

Then, too, separating is often not as easy as simply packing a bag and moving into a friend's house (or shelter). If the person from whom you are separating is dangerous, that must be considered. Will he try to track you? If he does, how will you protect yourself and any children involved? Can you leave your home without being stopped? Do you even have a car or cell phone? How many miles must you walk (and in what weather) to reach safety? Do you have friends who will help you - and is it ethical to endanger their families if they will? How will you look after your needs until you are on your feet? Does depression keep you from thinking and acting clearly? Finally, what evidence do you have that might stand up in court as to his dangerous or inappropriate behaviors?

Many things to consider....

dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 05, 2018:

"Never complain about what you allow!" - Great advice!

We're always where we (choose) to be.

No one is "stuck" with anyone!

What keeps people in toxic relationships is they believe it's better than their other options. Others often say divorce is the "easy way" out. Most them have never actually gone through a divorce.

Getting married is a lot more easier than going through a divorce!

Sometimes it take {courage} to walk away and start over again.

Joilene Rasmussen (author) from United States on May 05, 2018:

DS, thank you for your encouragement. "The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart. If something doesn't feel right to you it's probably not right for (you)."

Yes indeed.

Finally, people do change over time, and the person you married years ago may not have kept up with you (or vice versa). Much grace is needed, along with courage and the ability to abide by our own decisions.

Never complain about what you allow! I have found this to be good advice many times.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 05, 2018:

Joilene, I have enjoyed reading this series of articles.

You have given your readers plenty of food for thought when it comes to choosing the right mate for themselves.

It's too bad more often than not we have to experience heartache over and over again before we decide to make a "conscious effort" to approach dating and relationships using our (mind) rather than allowing "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate our relationship choices. When we're young we allow our "infatuation" with others to overlook potential "red flags".

Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart. If something doesn't feel right to you it's probably not right for (you). Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

"Knowledge is being aware that fire can burn. Wisdom is remembering the blister." -Leo Tolstoy.

It's because of your life experience you have much to offer your readers. Keep up the good work providing insight to your readers.

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