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Child Substitutes

Mona and Shona are a happy couple with a pet. They hardly think of bringing a child into this world.

My baby!


Since the beginning of life on the planet Earth, humanity has struggled to encounter earthquakes, floods, and epidemics. However, in the twentieth century, a new threat has been seen lurking around the human race: overpopulation. Despite repeated warnings by national and international health agencies, people still feel pleasure to make babies. It is a crisis of our times and since this morning depressing thoughts engulf my mind. After a lot of deliberation, an alternate arrangement hit my mind. The solution that I intend to propose may be a bitter pill to swallow for some, but I think a majority of people would like the idea.

I propose to go for a child substitute. A child substitute can be any living thing that requires care and feeding, is devoted to you, but cannot talk back or give toxic –shock syndrome. Career-oriented, singles or couples, living in urban areas are already in it. They keep them in their apartments or bungalows and monopolize their spare time with heart-to-heart monologues and frequent snuggles.

You can also acquire one today and contribute to countering the threat of overpopulation. After a couple of days of acquiring a pet of your favorite color and size, it starts knocking down your knickknacks or chewing your boots or books get assured that you have got one. If it barks or bites your late-night visitors, then surely you have got one. One of my friends owns a beautiful German shepherd, and she is quite proud of it. The canine creature is quite formidable, but my friend is quite at home with it.

Do you know how much it costs to bring up a child to adulthood? The cost roughly comes to five million minus expenses on education and grooming. In comparison, it costs only about twenty thousand to bring a respectable pet to old age. Additional benefits include zero chances of assault or murder and no chances of mixing up in the nursery and getting the wrong one. So, how about this idea!

Perhaps the best thing about having a child substitute is that nobody, I mean no human being has to undergo labor room ordeals. No costly hospital bills, no cesarean section if something goes wrong, no stretch marks, and no varicose veins. Above all, one remains safe from long and tedious infant care. An average human minor completes its toilet training in three years, whereas an average puppy or kitten gets trained in six to eight weeks. Human supervision does not exceed six to eight weeks for a pet while an average human must remain under parental care for 18 years. Little children pose little problems; big children big problems.

Pets are not capable of playing with matches, they sleep anywhere when they get tired and they never ask embarrassing questions or say unspeakable things. They never need new shoes or new clothes for yearly festivals. They do not get measles, mumps, chicken pox, or polio. They do not care about mobile phones, tabs, computers, internet connection, or TV. They do not have space issues. Bruises don't show through their fur, and they are neither prettier nor uglier. If you don't get along with them, sell them out on OLX. God! Wouldn't life be easier if we could do that with children?

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