Michael is a self-taught expert in human behavior. He enjoys writing and sharing his insights on the human condition.
Loving Someone who is Unattainable
Being in love with someone who is unattainable is not only potentially self-destructive, it's also completely unavoidable. However, every situation is different and "unattainable" is a matter of opinion, not fact. When we're young, we're already accustomed to this concept in grade school. Generally, everyone has had a crush that was some way out of their reach.
I will use my personal experience as an example. I am in love with my best friend, she by her confessions, is also in love with me. Herein lies the problem, she's a lesbian, and is also already in a deeply committed relationship. To make a long story short, we're still in love, but any chance of being together is virtually nil.
This article will entail how to cope with being in love with someone who is truly unattainable. Including how to live without someone you love, it will also go through the dos and don'ts of chasing someone you have deemed, romantically unattainable. If there's even a slight chance it could work out, only you can mess it up.
Are They Really Unattainable?
Many people can lose their objectivity when it comes to this sensitive subject. You can fool everyone around you, but there's no deceiving yourself. Before one head down the rocky road of chasing someone who is out of reach, one must genuinely determine if the individual in question is really unattainable. For all intents and purposes, "in love" in this article means real, tangible love.
Not an infatuation, not a school-boy crush, not merely a physical attraction. But a know-the-person-inside-and-out, know their favorite everything, able to communicate about everything, kind of love. An inexplicable connection that lets you embrace all their perfections and flaws. Now that we're clear on that aspect, here are some examples of someone who is romantically unattainable, we usually fall for:
A person that is already in a committed relationship with someone close to them. For instance, a man having serious feelings for his brother's girlfriend.
A close friend, or friend of a friend, that is already happily married. Even a co-worker we spend a lot of time with, affections can build.
Someone who lives on another continent. Moving your entire life for someone can and has worked, but long distance romances rarely ever pan out in the real world.
A person that is much older or younger than ourselves. It happens, we fall for someone way out of our age range. As much as we like to think age isn't a factor, it generally can be, for many different reasons.
A person we notice and observe, but aren't really acquainted with, or talk to directly. Someone you can't even bring yourself to associate with can safely be considered unattainable. Someone with a different sexual orientation. Including myself, I've met many others who have dealt with, or currently dealing with this particular situation.
These are just a few examples of how we can fall in love with people, who will always seemingly be out of our reach. That being said, there are endless situations that will leave you swooning for someone that is ultimately unattainable.
Unrequited Love From the Unattainable
This video explains it all, unrequited love happens all around us, and most likely will happen multiple times in our lives. Unrequited love usually goes hand in hand with wallowing in the negative emotions that come with being in love with someone unattainable. The key to maintaining your composure is to realize that it happens to everyone, those that can accept that fact, suffer considerably less.
Even Romeo, from "Romeo and Juliet" was reeling from heartbreak, right before meeting and falling madly in love with Juliet. Just keep in mind that nearly everyone you've probably ever known personally knows exactly how it feels. But if there was ever a realistic chance of ending up with this unattainable person, you'll have to let it happen naturally. The hands of fate should never be forced.
Maintain a Friendship With Someone You Love
Often you'll be faced with a situation of sustaining a friendship with someone you have feelings for, and things tend to get messy. The older you get, the more you realize how true friendships are valuable and not easy to come by. Here are a few things to consider if you want the friendship to stay intact and not affected by ulterior motives.
Respect the boundaries and give them space. If you really want to keep them as a friend, you have to, more or less, prove to them that you can be "just friends". All it takes is one emotional blurb in a text message, an ill-conceived voice mail, a drunken call to ruin a friendship. It can be quite difficult, cause we're human, and humans are very emotional beings. Under no circumstance should you act or behave the following ways:
- Constantly contact them, over and over, one call or text message is sufficient. Show them the courtesy of respecting their boundaries. Let them get back to you at their convenience.
- Don't ever stalk or spy on anyone, being in love is no excuse for intruding on someone's privacy. Women, especially hate this behavior in men, and it will immediately raise red flags for them.
- If you do happen to spend a lot of time together, do not continually bring up your romantic feelings, or try to advance that position in any way.
- Openly express anger or jealousy when your unattainable friend is with someone else, or discussing dating others with you.
- Do or say anything you know will alienate or make them feel uncomfortable towards you.
Coping With Unattainable Love Interests
When I have trouble being around my best friend that I have unspeakable feelings for, I remind myself that: If I really value our friendship, I could swallow any pain that comes with being near her, but never with her. I still consider this unattainable, lesbian woman, my best friend and the love of my life.
Trying to cope with "what could've been" is easier to do, knowing I can still maintain a functional friendship. The prevailing point that should be noted is that unattainable love interests happen to everyone, don't dwell on misadventures in love, look forward and move ahead. If you have found this article helpful, please feel free to share it.
Laurinzoscott from Kanab, Utah on March 23, 2020:
What a waybto capture this subject WoW ....you speak to my pain
Dr Billy Kidd from Sydney, Australia on December 18, 2014:
It's just life ... right? ... to hope for something you cannot have.
Michael Kismet (author) from Northern California on December 18, 2014:
Thank you for your insights, you have organized your thoughts quite well, and I appreciate that. It's a complicated matter between her and I, and I've omitted many details. These details I could never disclose on the internet, it's just too personal.
But you've made great points that many should heed, thank you again for taking the time to comment on the topic, I am deeply humbled.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on December 18, 2014:
"I am in love with my best friend, she by her confessions, is also in love with me. Herein lies the problem, she's a lesbian, and is also already in a deeply committed relationship. "
There are a couple of things going on here. Number one if you had simply accepted the fact that she (is) a lesbian and invested your time with a woman who wasn't this would not have happened.
Secondly if she truly is a lesbian she would not have any "romantic love" towards you. Thirdly if she really was "in love" with you she would not be the first person to ever breakup or divorce from their current relationship in order to be with the man she is (truly) "in love". People in love do this all the time!
When someone is "in love" they tend to take drastic actions if necessary. Men have gone off to war for women and kings have abdicated their thrones. If two people (really) want to be together they will find a way.
A lot of people find something "romantic" about having (obstacles) that supposedly keep two people from being together. For them it intensifies their love all the more. "We met at the wrong time"
If you're in the "friend zone" with anyone it's because one of you didn't see the other as possibly being "the one" when you met. If someone thinks you're special they won't leave you on the "open market" for long.
No one should accept friendship with a "hidden agenda" of hoping to (turn it into romance) over time. If you're attracted to someone and learn they're in a committed relationship or have a different sexual orientation then you need to invest most of your time being with another.
It takes courage to let someone know right off the bet that you have a romantic interest in them. However a fast rejection beats wasting time, energy, and emotion on someone who is unattainable.
Thankfully this planet has over 7 Billion people on it!
Odds are in your favor there are others whom you'd fall in love with.