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How I Handle Having Both a Boyfriend and a Male Best Friend That I Used to Be Intimate With

The general consensus among men is that if your girl is still friends with an ex or ex-lover of any kind then you need to drop her. Asap! It will not work and she WILL cheat on you. I'm here to set the record straight and speak up for all the loyal women out there who disagree. What are the real warning signs that let you know when you should be suspicious and how can this work? Before I go there let me just say that most of the time keeping an ex-lover around is a definite red flag for either party. But with transparency, trust, respect, and communication it doesn't have to end in disaster.


When Should You Be Worried About Your GF Cheating

  1. They spend the night together. If they have had SEX this is UNACCEPTABLE. It doesn't matter if it was 10 months or 10 years ago. Especially if she got that bomb $%&**. You better believe he will never forget it.
  2. She spends time with him without discussing it with you first. If they go out together and she lets you know afterwards where she was that's not cool.
  3. She actively keeps you two as faaaaaar apart as possible and you know nothing at all about him or what they do together. If it's truly a friendship why hide?
  4. She acts really different when he's around. Or gets upset or jealous when he's dating someone.
  5. She doesn't answer your calls when she's with him.

There are other actions that you may need to take note of but as far as I'm concerned these are cut and dry, no excuses, legitimate reasons to be completely pissed.

How Bad Is Your Love Life


Guidelines I Follow to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

  1. Once it has been discussed that's it. I Never ever ever talk about the sex we had. Not with my boyfriend. Not with my best friend.This shouldn't be hard. If it is you have a problem.
  2. Recognize the difference between "playing around" and flirting. Lots of people can't tell when they're crossing the line
  3. I don't hang up on my boyfriend to answer another guys call, period. Reference the "priority" discussion above. But I will text my friend and let him know I'm on the phone and I'll call him back later.If it's important he'll let me know.
  4. Keep certain things about your relationship in your relationship. You know what I'm talking about.
  5. It took serious self reflection, time, meaningful experiences, and some brutally honest discussions to get to where my best friend and I are today. We didn't just stop having sex, shake hands, and decide to be friends. Every now and then we still talk and make sure that everything is okay between us.Clarity is key.
  6. I communicate with my boyfriend about anything he could potentially be upset about. If I'm leaving at an unusual hour or if he won't hear from me for a while then I let him know before hand. You don't have to be obsessive about your every move. Just be considerate.
  7. Have fun with your boo. He will like your goofy side just as much.
  8. Don't touch another guy in any way that you couldn't do with your boyfriend standing next to you. Quick friendly hugs are acceptable. Joking around is fine. Cuddling? Don't you dare.
  9. If he says he isn't comfortable with something, listen. Talk about it and compromise on a solution.This happens to be how I came up with #3. Don't just do things anyway because your happy with the arrangement and expect him to just concede. Unaddressed conflict can eventually turn into hostile confrontation.
  10. Be true to yourself and your emotions at all times. Know what you want.

© 2017 Janelle Owens


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dashingscorpio from Chicago on October 15, 2017:

"Before I go there let me just say that {most of the time} keeping an ex-lover around is a definite red flag for either party."

- Very true!

Each person has their own "boundaries" and "deal breakers".

Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Relationships shouldn't be an "acquired taste". It's a choice!

Unfortunately these days people will attack others who disagree with them or accuse them of being "insecure".

It's okay for a woman to choose not to date a guy who smokes but there is something wrong with (her) if she doesn't want a guy who hangs out with his (exes). hmmm

The reality is there is no "right" or "wrong".

There's only "agree" and "disagree".

The goal is to find someone who (naturally agrees) with us. Essentially we're happier when we both want the same things.

Compatibility trumps compromise!

There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

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