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Are You A Victim Of Pedestal Syndrome?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.


Pedestal Syndrome is when a guy idealizes who you are solely from your looks and fashion style—placing you on an imaginary pedestal. This pedestal is created from only the idea of what he thinks you will "act" like and what you should ultimately "be" like. This ladies might sound flattering, however it's a no-win situation for you.

Of course it's natural for a guy to approach you at a bar or contact you on a dating site because your looks first attracted him, but what happens when that's the only motivation in wanting to date you?

For most woman, there is more to them than just their looks. Women have personalities, can have opinions and be humorous. Depending on their age, most women know what they want and how they expect to be treated, what their values and ethics are. Most modern women have careers, ambitions and goals. There are women who are very emotional, some who are not, and those that fall in the middle. Women can be very affectionate, possibly needy, while others are the complete opposite.

When a guy has placed you on this pedestal there is no "wiggle room"—in his mind, for you to be much different from what he sees. In his mind—what he sees should be exactly what he gets. Seriously?!

If you pay attention, you can usually figure out if a guy has placed you on this imaginary pedestal in his mind.

1. He will display feelings of mesmerization.
2. He will tell you he loves (in love with) you—usually within the first three weeks of dating and doesn't know your political, religious, family or financial views.
3. He will tell you he wants to marry you within the first week or so of dating (again, not knowing your views or experiencing any real issues (death, sadness, etc).
4. Everything you do is perfect.
5. From your first date to each date after—when you go out with him, not only does he treat you like you're his girlfriend, he will introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend (announcing that he's met "the one").

Being placed on an imaginary pedestal does feel great in the beginning. This guy will be all about you—he will shower you with compliments, go out of his way to make you feel special, he will put 200% effort when it comes to spending time with you. He will make you feel like Cinderella who has finally been rescued from her unfortunate dating situation.

Although this feeling can seem incredible, what happens when his love goggles start to fade and your real personality (that was never hidden) becomes more apparent for him?

The belief that the honeymoon stage should last in relationships is unrealistic. Unless you have no opinion about anything, there will be moments of disagreement. Obviously these moments should not outweigh the fun, loving times. However, the right person for you will appreciate you having an opinion, versus having nothing to say and your only goal in life is to look pretty.

Yes, the honeymoon stage should also not be completely lost. Both people should want to keep the spark alive and should also want to work on the relationship—because no relationship is or ever will be perfect—unless you are in a deluded fairy tale.

Before you could ever be serious enough for marriage or long term commitment you need to live real life experiences. When you find you are able to work through life's challenges together and actually find a common ground, then you know that your relationship has a chance of surviving. It's the test of any relationship.

The real test of any relationship:

1. Sickness—is he there for you when you have a common cold or flu? If a guy treats you like you have the plague when you have a simple cold, what would happen if something more serious were to happen to you?

2. Sadness—is he there for you when you are upset about something? Obviously there is a difference between hiding a known bipolar or depression illness, however when you are having a bad day, p.m.s-ing, or just feeling blue, does he get freaked out, annoyed or just run away? Or, does he help you get through it?

3. Death—when someone important to you dies (this could include your dog, cat, bird, etc.) and it effects you harder that you anticipated—does he drop everything to be by your side or is he "too busy" to deal with the situation?

4. Craziness—when you have an off day does he judge you or help ground you with love, trust and support? As women, we would love to think that we don't have our crazy moments, but you are fooling yourself if you believe otherwise. We are only human—no one wants to feel vulnerable or get their heart broken, so often times we do and say things that can seem a little crazy. Believe me, men do this too, but usually it's more subtle (at least they think it is)—disappearing, acting like a fool or acting insecure.

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5. Loss—whether you lose a job, your favorite top or perhaps a pair a shoes you love, what is his reaction? Does he make you feel valued and ok, or foolish?

6. Disagreements—when you don't agree with something he says or how he handles a situation, does he just "hear you"—taking offense (believing you shouldn't have an opinion) and shut you out emotionally? Or, does he listen to you—use it in as an opportunity to grow and therefore bring you both closer, knowing that if you didn't care, you would say anything at all.

8. Supporting—whether it's your job or a relationship you have with family or friends, when you are going through a difficult, successful or life changing moment, is he there for you? Does he have a supporting opinion?

9. Fighting—all couples at some point will have an argument or several. How does he deal with the situation when you argue? Does he hit things, throw things, slam things? Does he fight dirty by calling you inappropriate names (starting with a C or B)? Does he walk away and shut down communication. Does he tend to always blame you?

10. Family and Friends—friends and/or family are a big part of our hearts and lives. Does he get along easily with your family and friends? And most importantly, do your friends and family like (or love) him?

When a guy makes the effort and creates the time to know you on a deeper level—this connection will surpass the physical—creating a deeper emotional bond. This bond becomes both spiritually and magnetically strong—the foundation for the pedestal that you should be on together.

Ladies, feeling like you have met your Prince Charming—who treats you like the princess you internally are, can feel A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! But, when he can't accept you for who you really are—the fairy tale will abruptly turn into a nightmare of you thinking and feeling you are not good enough when he starts pointing out your flaws. Do you really want to be with someone who can't appreciate and value who you really are?

Bottom-line, if a guy is holding you to some unrealistic pedestal status that you will never achieve—isn't your relationship already doomed? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants to share a healthy foundation with you? If he is only able to see you on a pedestal, save yourself from being his latest trophy.


dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 08, 2014:

Voted up and interesting!

I imagine most men in their youth are primarily focused on the physical attributes of a girl/woman. After all they're not looking to get married. We've also been conditioned to believe that women obsess over their appearance and have been told the best way to romance them is to shower them with attention, complements, flowers, candy, and gifts.

Having said that our society has also brainwashed our little girls to confuse "attention" with "love". Fairytales are all about what sacrifices a knight will make to rescue a princess and lay the world at her feet.

Some women run around calling themselves a "Queen" deserving of royal treatment by men. They (insist) on being placed on a pedestal!

Ironically there are a lot of women in their youth who prefer to chase the "bad boy" that does none of those things!

I've often said you can stick a woman in a room with 5 guys and have four of them on their knees extending their heart towards her while the fifth guy sits in a corner sipping on a cocktail acting like she does not exist... And that will be the guy she wants to get to know! :-)

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on May 28, 2014:

Thank you Mary RB for reading and I appreciate your feedback.

Mary RB on May 27, 2014:

Very wise observations.

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