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Are We Becoming Smarter Daters?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.


Being a smarter dater means we are willing to walk away if major red flags appear.

We all have a list of what we want and do not want in a relationship. Some people will get carried away by creating an excessive list—which frankly, will end up blocking love. However, most of us will have an essential list. This will make us smarter daters. Yay!

Being single means there is a greater chance that we will encounter more dating experience than we had hoped for. That's OK. It's important to take our time and not rush the process of finding a guy who is a great match. Unfortunately, many women will get discouraged and disregard their list which meant to keep them on track. This tends to happen when they feel sexual chemistry with a guy or when they find themselves physically attracted to him. Well, by completely disregarding the core of what we really want in a man, we become "dumb" daters who end up settling. Oh dear!

Mind-blowing chemistry feels great, but it can blind us from the truth.

Since mind blowing chemistry can be hard to find, we will forgo what we want in a man the second we feel it—rookie mistake. We will convince ourselves that this chemistry must be love, even though it isn't usually. Also, the guy behind this type of chemistry (more often than not) won't even have half the traits we are looking for—and will tend to treat us poorly. Yikes! By dismissing our lists, so we can continue to get that sexual, tingling—all-over-our-body high—we prolong genuine lasting love from finding us.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't have the crème de la crème relationship—a man we can have mind-blowing chemistry with who also gives us what we want and need as our partner. However, this guy is rare. Usually when the chemistry is that hot, the man behind it doesn’t live up and in time the chemistry will burn out. The best chemistry is one built over time—through trust, respect, security and great communication—which will then last even longer. Have patience.

Patience is a virtue, especially when it comes to being a smart dater.

I get that being single can suck. You can feel like the odd women out when you are with your coupled friends. You can feel lonely—at night when you have no one to cuddle with or during the holidays. You can even start to feel less desirable the longer you stay single. Stop! You are beautiful and worthy of love. Love will find you, as long as you stay confidently strong and not fall for the wrong men.

Here's the thing ladies, feeling sorry for yourself will make you a dumb, gullible, desperate dater—just keeping it real. Remind yourself that you are not that girl. By believing we will only get mediocre (men who are not worthy of us), we will end up settling for men who are undeserving of us. Change your beliefs and the right man will follow. Remember, there is no set time frame for love.

If you can't be patient with the dating process, you will continue to have disappointing, unsatisfying relationships.

A friend of mine has continually dated men who don't appreciate or genuinely love her. After each of these long drawn out negative relationships finally end, she will revise her list—reminding herself of all the traits she wants in a guy and highlights the ones she doesn't. Sounds like a grate plan of action, right? Not in her case.

Her desperation to find love has made her dumb when it comes to dating. The second she meets a guy who showers her with attention (during the honeymoon stage of course), she will instantly disregard all the things that are important to her in a relationship. She will also jump into an exclusive relationship before getting to know him—ignoring any and all red flags.

By rushing the process of dating, she ends up having the same sob stories of how she is being mistreated, disrespected and emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically abused. Oh my! But, once she is in a relationship—out of fear of being alone—she won't end things—due to embarrassment of having another failed relationship. Poor dear.

What my friend still doesn't realize; to have a successful relationship, she needs to first be a smarter dater. Enjoy the process, ask the right questions and stop ignoring the red flags that keep appearing. She also needs to learn to love herself—unconditionally—so that she won't be so easily mesmerizing by the wrong men.

Taking the experiences we have learned and using them to empower us will only make us wiser daters.

A close friends of mine has started to date again. She has let her heart become open to the process of finding love. This was not an easy task for her because she has had her heart broken several times by men she trusted.

Getting back into the dating scene has been exciting, but simultaneously frightening for my friend. Luckily, she is strapped with knowledge from her past experiences—and uses what she has learned to her advantage. She is clear about what she wants (and what she won't put up with)—from any man and in a relationship. This information (although some painful) has made her an exceptionally smart dater. Yay!

My friend met a guy who matched most of her criteria. He was good looking (check), was an entrepreneur (check), successful (check), no kids, but wants them (check), funny (check), intelligent (check), passionate (check), easy to talk to and witty (check, check), and great at planning dates—basically he was what she was looking for....almost. Except...

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A month into dating he became overly busy with work. In the beginning this was not a problem since he made the effort to keep the connection and communication strong between them. Then, the effort he was making started to dramatically fade—claiming it was due to work (hmm...?). So he was capable of making the effort but now he's not? Interesting.

Being a smarter dater means knowing your five nonnegotiable—things you will not accept from a guy which are important to you in order to have a successful relationship. I've said this before, these things are not superficial.

Not making time was an issue for my friend.

Having a man who respects her time is a non-negotiable, as well a man who will make time and consistently put forth the effort.

Pulling away because he was busy was an insult to my friend. She is also someone who is busy, but is open and willing to making time for the right guy. Dating a guy who thinks it's OK to consistently cancel dates and change the times he is supposed to see her—was unacceptable. Instead of dealing with his crappy behavior—due to his good looks and charm—she took matters into her own hands and ended the relationship. Good for her!

Ladies, dating is not always going to be easy. There are bound to be ups and down and feelings of excitement as well as disappointment. But, if you use the tools that you have been given from your past experiences to make you a smarter dater, you won't waste time keeping the doors to your heart open for the wrong man.

Bottom line, keep your heart open, trust your instincts and don't ignore the red flags that are in front of you. That, my friends . . . is the wisest way to find lasting love.



dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 05, 2017:

Great article!

"Being a smarter dater means we are willing to walk away if major Red Flags appear..." - Absolutely!

The truth is when it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. Rarely does one step up to the plate and hit a homerun their first, second, or third time up at bat.

During our youth we're also naïve, immature, and have "unrealistic expectations". I imagine many of us look back on our "first love" and see how ridiculous we were to believe we had met our "soul-mate" at age 16 or 17!

No matter how many parents or adults attempted to tell us not to get heavily (emotionally invested) in anyone during our youth we insisted upon taking courses about relationships in the "school of hard knocks" with a major in "trial & error".

Those first failed relationships are usually the result of us pursuing relationships without having taken the time to figure out who (we) are let alone what we want and need in a mate!

We allowed "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate our relationship choices.

It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!

Each of us gets to (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself!

If something doesn't (feel right) to you it's probably not right for (you). Never separate your mind from your heart when making relationship decisions. The purpose of the mind is to protect the heart. Learn to become a better shopper!

One man's opinion! :)

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