David Rosales looks for better and more efficient ways in which to think about reality for the benefit of the individual.
You can Feel It
You have been there. Whether they tell it to you or not, they are feeling angry. It might be your boyfriend or girlfriend. Perhaps your spouse. Sometimes it is your teenage son or daughter.
Anger comes from a place of confusion, and it ultimately submerges the person holding on to it in sadness and despair.
Something is wrong and they will not tell you what it is. You tug at them so that they may unload and open up to you. But they will not budge. Hugs are not answered, and there is an air of sadness around them.
You try to make your words sound a sweet as you can. They stare back at you, or not at all, and all you hear are the crickets in the background. You can almost hear their inner lament.
And you may read books on relationship advice. Psychology professors or therapists share their research and experiences so that you may somehow benefit from them.
But you find out that it is very different to read about it and have to apply any of it in your life. After all, you are not a trained professional. Should you keep insisting? Should you just back off and let it recede into the background.
You begin to wonder if indeed taking them (and yourself along with them) to a professional would be the best you could do.
But what if you were only doing this out of desperation? Should you throw hundreds or even thousands of dollars at something that could have been solved with some empathy and personal attention?
How They Feel
Most of the time, the answer can be found in the old common sense: put yourself in their shoes, and then listen. You might be surprised, but you know it to be true.
How would you like to be treated if you were in the depths of despair? What would you like to hear? Who would you like to see? Could watching a special movie change the currents of your heart?
When trying too hard, it is easy to overdo it, not knowing that certain pleasurable interactions can feel intrusive when you are angry. If it were you feeling extremely blue and depressed, would a massage in a semi-dark room take your mind off whatever was troubling you or, would it just be too much?
Imagine yourself in that person's life at the moment. Who do they spend their time with? What things do they like? It is not enough to know the event that caused this sudden shift.
Things that make us angry are usually only triggers. They are only the spark that lights the fuel and sets the fields of our soul on fire. When something happens and you get angry, what happened only pushed you into a pool of feelings and thoughts that was already inside of you.
Dive into their pool as best you can. You will see how easily, how clearly, the images of upsetting events now convey meaning to you. And you can sense that there was a confusion, a despair already inside of you that made the anger possible.
And these things have a bitter taste to them. You wince as you come to share the experience of anger surging through your friend, lover, or family member. You wish you could turn that bitterness into sweetness.
The Best Way to Handle Anger
Two things are happening in the person that is full of anger, as we have said previously. For you to handle the situation with care and tact, it is important to have a clear and nuanced view.
The first is confusion. Something is blocking the way to happiness or fulfillment as the person sees it. When we feel there is one way, and we hear from others that this is the only path we can take, then if feel that we cannot walk in that direction or in the precise manner we imagined, we become confused.
Confusion is the first and most important root of anger.
That means that if you can somehow give clarity to the person who finds herself, or himself, in this pit of despair, the anger will reside as confusion fades away.
This is often a matter of realizing that there is no one requisite way of obtaining what you want. Or that obtaining something you imagined had to be yours, or living a very specific kind of life is not the only way to find fulfillment.
In short, giving someone (or yourself) options is the surest way to dispel confusion and so to dispel anger.
But in order to communicate with this person, they must first open themselves to you. And for this, the dark and misty barrier of sadness must be overcome.
The best way to do achieve this from the outside is to appear to that person as a beacon of safety, letting them know that in and around you they can relax and stop worrying.
They must feel that you are waiting and receptive and that you will accept and welcome what they have to say. And additionally, you cannot prod the issue out of them.
As you make the environment around the both of you more comfortable and cozy without letting through any direct attempt to affect their mood, they will become relaxed and open by default.
Finally, remember that the way to do this in every case is highly personal, both to the person in question and with respect to their relationship with you. In all circumstances, appropriateness and respect are key.
Remember these things and you shall do well.
This content is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for formal and individualized diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed medical professional. Do not stop or alter your current course of treatment. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.
© 2022 David Rosales