The Secret Success To Online Dating
Online Dating - The First Problem; The Funny Deception
I'm single. Sometimes happily and sometimes not.
For a single man, to be honest, is not as amazing as it sounds to long term married men.
I know very well that my posts on several forums are followed intensely by long term married men because I only post about the upside to the single life. I post success stories, photos of me with short term romances, stories of trouble I have gotten myself into and the times being single has led me to very romantic adventures.
But could you possibly imagine the absolute downside to being single???
If you are married, you may be better off where you are, unless you can take your retirement fund and pilfer it away in Thailand.
Seriously. When will the single life end???
Let me explain to you what I am going through and maybe you will begin to understand the magnitude of the issue of pretty much ALL single men and women.
Single men and women are constantly seeking validation that they are still dateable and loveable. No kidding. It is a constant pressure that we can "still pick up" and that 'we still git it'.
When you are single, you constantly seek out love in all places. And the fear of rejection is constantly heightened when you see an attractive woman. As a single male, you start to believe that ALL other single women are an option to you and so it becomes easy to continually bait yourself.
And any HONEST single man or woman will tell you, online dating is a tragedy 99% of the time.
Here is the process:
- PROFILE DESCRIPTION
- Try to be all things to all people, but end up pleasing nobody
- Try to appear to be open, free and loving, when all you want to do is write a list of the common traits you became to despise in your ex, hoping it won't happen again
- Begin to question what age you give yourself, hoping your age won't put him or her out of your league
- Try to make your career as interesting as humanly possible without trying to make it seem you lead an actively, abundant, career-driven fantasy life
- Decide whether to put your interests that you have never actually tried as your actual hobbies, case in point sky diving, kite surfing, scuba diving
- For older guys, try to show a healthy head of hair, even though you are thinning
- For women, pretty head shots only that hide you are overweight
- Try to seem as youthful, fun and interesting as possible with any images of you on holiday, even though it may have been your only holiday in the past 10 years.
- Always look like you are having a great time, even though your life has been full of heartbreak, financial debt and divorce.
So straight away, EVERYONE (yes,..everyone) is going in dishonest, believing it will give them the best chance at attracting somebody out of their league.
Several questions are raised here:
- Why do women use photos of them with either one or two friends in their profile photo? WHich one is you??
- Why do guys love putting up photos of them in unflattering clothing and a bottle of beer in their hand?
- Why do women put up so many duck face selfies?
- Why do men do topless selfies when they clear do not have any sign of a six pack (Just because you have a six pack when you are completely skinny, does noty mean you have a great body to show off)
- Why do overweight women post up shoulder and face photos only just to complain later that men don't return your calls after the first date? (Ummm... deceiving photos maybe?)
- Why do men in particular overstate their career knowing that if they somehow wind up with the love of their life, they will have to come clean and risk losing her from lies?
None of this deception works and while on the outset this may seem to be at the heart of the matter, we have only scratched the surface of a very deep but funny issue...
What really happens these days with online dating
Online Dating - Problem 2 - Too many messages...so few replies
For men, online dating is like being given a menu at an expensive restaurant that we cannot afford to eat at and when we finally save enough money to eat there just once, it turns out that the photos on the menu were all that was available...just the photos.
All of those choices seem so inviting, just wanting to be chosen. It looks like a smorgasbord.
Here is what men see:
- Attractive, single women of all ages
- Profiles of women who describe the mans PERFECT life partner
- So many choices of open and willing women all looking
- Loving, caring, sweet women who are ASKING for men to approach, looking for a date.
Now, I am sure, back in the day, before online dating, men were able to approach a girl in person and she appreciated the effort. In fact, she would have been flattered.Not so anymore.
Because of the whole pick up artist industry, men, completely confused about what to do are just creeping women out and let's face it, these women are unforgiving and many times, downright brutal.
Some men seem to be caring more about pick up lines and 'peacocking' than they are about being decent, people, or stronger, unshakeable characters, while other men are proving themselves to be slobby, unfashionable, low-end clueless losers.
Women on the other hand are promoting themselves as open, beautiful, angelic, sweet and most of all APPROACHABLE. mean are given the clear impression that women are on the site to find a partner and WILL reply. This is FAR from the truth.
Most women will NOT reply, no matter how smooth you seem. Sorry guys. 99% of the time, your messages will go unanswered
There are many decent men on these sites too but they are now suffering for an enormous crime... The full inbox of annoying messages.
Here is what women see:
- Weak, beta men
- Pick up artists
- And for no apparent reason, guys that are "just not their 'type'"
They also see:
- Message upon message of "Hi how are you?
- Messages that all feel the same
- Too many stalker-type messages
- Too much negativity
- Too many polite, go nowhere messages
We are at a point now that even the most original, creative message will go unanswered simply because the message seems to creative that the man must be a stalker-creep.
And so here are some basics to understand
- Being polite does not work
- Being rude does not work
- Opening with hi how are you does not work
- Being creative and original does not work
- Being the same as everyone else does not work
So, it seems that nothing will work? Then why are women registered on dating sites? They do want to find somebody right?
YES THEY DO!
The next question is, with the challenges that a man faces, should you bother trying?
And this brings us to our next huge issue...
Some very funny dating video profiles
Problem 3 - Online Dating - Expectations and Fantasy
I spoke at a single women's convention... yes I was the cat walking into the den of wolves...
I say this because I live in western culture where 'girl power' has given a whole new meaning to male emasculation. Afraid of stepping on any toes, at first I was very placid and tried to take any blame off anyone in the room.
But being so doughy doesn't solve the issue and women were there for answers.
Did I have answers for them? I believed I did.
Until this time, I had been raised to believe that women were loving, caring, non-judgmental angels sent from the heavens... well that is until I walked on stage and asked the crowd of women why they couldn't find new love.
Oh wow, did it set the crowd off and ALL of it was about how bad men were these days.
Here were some of the complaints:
- Too fat
- Too skinny
- No six Pack
- Too boring
- Too old
- Had no money
- Had no job (Ok...we all need an income)
- Too bald
- Too hairy
- Had a hair lip
- Didn't have a nice enough car for his age
- Had kids
- Didn't have kids and should have at his age
- Was too career-focused
- Didn't have a career-focus
- Not funny
- Not tall enough
- Had an annoying laugh
- Thought he was a player
- Looked as though he "may be small downstairs..."
- Seemed too weak
- Seem too opinionated
- Had strange eyes
- Looked like a serial killer
- Had been married and was now divorced (Ummm so are you...by the way....)
This was the main list. But the list did carry on.
Can you imagine!
Now, let's look at the flip side, because I also spoke at an all male 'dating advice event' and asked the same question, with many different answers:
Here were some of the complaints from men:
- Uses her looks to manipulate
- Too fat
- Too old
- Too angry
- Too emasculating
- Too opinionated
- Gave way too many mixed messages
- Kept flaking on dates at the last minute
- Didn't return SMS'
- Always had to pay for all dinners
- Was always compared to her friends boyfriends
- Wasn't sure where I stood...ever
- Felt as though I was always jumping through hoops of fire like a circus lion
- Too masculine
- Her photos were not at all like her real self
- Too immature
- Too judgmental of others
- Too bitchy
- Backstabbed her friends
- Constantly complained about men ON THE DATE
- Said men were all the same ON THE DATE
- Kept talking about her ex negatively
- Loved to give her unsound advice
- Had no deeper purpose
- Seemed shallow
What a list!!!!
It raised a few more questions...
- Why bother dating?
- Why do I need a partner to be happy? It seems everyone is way too angry and toxic after years of bad relationships
- What is she thinking when I am on a date with her?
- Do I want to invest myself into somebody who feels this way?
- Will this work out longer term if our attitudes don't change? (Probably not)
- Is it better to just live in the honeymoon period and just keep one or two good 'bro' friends instead and buy a dog?
So why do we seek out love in an environment that is set up for failure? Why do we seek the 'one' when there is a long journey of pain and judgment?
Which is worse? Being alone or feeling drained by the seemingly unwinnable dating game?
Well... this brings me to our solution!
A Common Issue for Men Finding Love Online
The Proposed Solution To Online Dating Success
Let's recap what I have learned and what you have probably learned from online dating and then we will work towards our solution:
- Total honesty does not work
- Lying does not work
- People are way too judgmental
- Judgmental people also lie in their profiles
- Many people put up unflattering photos
- Other people hide their bodies in photos, which destroys the first date success
- Women rarely reply (in general)
- Too many men bombard women with boring, annoying, unthoughtful messages
- Being too creative in your first message does not work
- Being the nice guy in your message and being way too polite does not work
- Many people who date online are coming out of heavy relationships and may project negativity in their profiles
- Many people online, coming out of bad relationships, dating online, are on the edge and impatient
The online dating world is cut throat.
While women will tell you they are searching for a relationship, often times they are simply looking for a hook up and do not want to appear cheap.
Often times men will say they are only searching for a relationship because they THINK that is what women want to hear and they use this solely to manipulate women into a hookup.
Nobody wants to feel used and nobody wants to continually feel disappointed.
A once famous dating psychologist asked a room full of women to describe their perfect man. Boy was this ideal man magnificent.
- Tall, dark, handsome
- Great with kids but had none of his own yet
- Successful in business
- A wealthy investor
- Had a great car
- Was financially stable
- Fit, strong and good with his hands
- Other women are jealous and want to be with him
- He has eyes only for her, even though he is a wanted man
- Stylish, fashionable
- Full head of hair
- Beautiful eyes
- Loved his family
- Loved to travel
- Adored romance
- Loved to cuddle
- Loved to talk after in the bedroom
At the end of the exercise the perfect man was presented on a chart and all the women agreed he was THE perfect man the searched for.
At that moment, the dating psychologist went silent, before asking, "So what is it about YOU that would make a guy like THAT want YOU?"
The crowd of women fell silent.
We were dealing with a crowd full of women who had an average income, average body weight, average fashion sense average cars, little to no travel, no job security, judgmental, angry from past, failed relationships had lost any feelings of romance and had very few traits that THE PERFECT male would want in his own life. And why would he choose a woman in the crowd when he could find a woman who was:
- Genuinely sweet, giving, caring and romantic
- Had her own good stream of income
- Not burned and angry
- Not judgmental
- Was well traveled
- Preferred to give romance than to take it, making them BOTH giving and romantic
- Was healthy, fit, feminine and graceful
The fact is there is NOBODY perfect in the world.
When we are children we fall in love so easily. Our hearts, hormones and feelings are abundantly alive and we are at our least judgmental. We just want to love and receive love. We are passionate, hormonal, romantic and seek out "the one".
Online we all are quick to say no. We are all quick to dismiss.
I propose what I believe is the perfect solution so that we ALL get what we went online for:
- Women reply to ALL messages, regardless of how boring and unoriginal they are
Ladies, guys are hiding their real selves at the beginning. They do NOT know how to start a conversation online. The opening conversation is not so important. They are NOT to know what to say because there is NO MANUAL on how to do it successfully. At the beginning he just wants your attention because he thinks you are cute
- Appreciate that somebody contacted you because they thought you were attractive
We are looking for love, yes. But then, when it is given, we start to judge the person giving it. Just be in awe of the fact that you are attractive to somebody. If you are one of those porcelain doll girls who men flock to, you have in fact poisoned your future chances of love because you are basing all of your attractiveness on your looks. This is NOT the path to love. So yes, guys are looking at you but they are also thinking:
- you are too good for them
- you are unapproachable
- You are unintelligent because you spent too much time worrying about your looks
- are quick to judge you as 'too hard to get'
For the unresponsive dressed down woman, appreciate you are wanted. Don't judge who wants you. Replying to ALL messages does NOT lock you in to anything more.
- Friends first and then see what happens
You want to get to the point where you have new sets of friends. If it doesn't work out with the guy or girl you meet online, maybe you will meet the one at a social event they invite you to. You should work to expand your social horizons.
At the same time, don't put the brakes on the romance. Let him be romantic with you and see how you feel. When guys are shut down constantly, it is no wonder women believe men are no longer chivalrous and romantic.
- Set your Saturday nights aside for dating
For all of the dates I have been on, so few of them have been on a Saturday night. People have generally stuck to a weeknight so that it doesn't 'mess' with their weekend plans. I propose that the Saturday night dates ARE the plan. It's not a time to go out with friends and talk about your weekly dates.
We all work during the week and at night are still calming down from the days stress, so we are definitely not at our best. We feel dishevelled, sometimes feel unattractive and our attraction hormones are at a low because of stress.
On the weekends we are glad to be free from work and can spend the extra time getting ready. Just like our teen years, it is something to look forward to, not something that must be made time for so we don't feel alone.
FInding love should be a beautiful journey, not a painful chore. It should be fun and interesting and allow you to meet some extremely interesting people.
- NEVER judge the moment they walk in the door
You may have learned we all make an initial judgment based on our very first impressions and often that first impression is bad.
We are comparing our new date to our boyfriends and girlfriends in our youth. And looking back, we remember how youthfully attractive we both were. Now, older, we are looking at an older person that nature is slowly wearing down. And it is happening to you too.
You are living in a new paradigm and you cannot hold out on being beautiful forever. So start to view attractiveness in a new light and take your time on that date getting to feel the other persons energy.
Which brings me to my next point
- LET'S ALL HIT THE GYM!
I hit the gym 5 days a week and have a strict diet because I have goals I want to hit. However, for most people they are not so obsessive. But that doesn't mean that everyone shouldn't have a gym membership and go regularly 3 times a week or train at home properly for 3 days a week.
How much happier do you feel after training? How great does it feel to drop a jeans size? How great does it feel when somebody compliments us on how fit we look?
How amazing does it feel when we notice we were peeved on?
No by ALL training I mean ALL OF US.
- No more fatty stomachs.
- No more bad breath
- No more lethargy
- No more depressive thoughts when we look in the mirror
- No more laziness
Don't ask why your dates aren't attracted to you if you aren't making time for the gym.
I'm sorry if this offends somebody. But if people are not attracted to you physically, it is not their fault. It is yours and if the problem is about weight and a range of other health related issues, HIT THE GYM!
- Hug people genuinely when you meet them. Do not shake hands
Put your date on the right foot straight away. Giving a genuine hug to somebody is endearing and relaxes them. I hug my grandmother as warmly as I hug my nieces and as warmly and genuinely as I hug a date when I first meet them. It doesn't mean anything sexual. It just gives that person a warm, non-judged feeling. Be happy with the person you are with.
- No negativity in your profile
Only state what you want, NOT what you don't want.
The moment I see a female profile complaining about men I am turned off. I just feel I won't be good enough for that person and I fear that they will not be good for me. By stating what you do want, it allows people to approach you the way you do want and have a better chance of finding somebody.
- Don't be rude in your messages. Be funny, kind and happy
Some people tease. Some people ask for a date too quickly and then get angry when shot down. No matter what happens, be kind, funny and happy to everyone. If they are angry, judgmental and rude, it is THEY who are living in a bad space, not you an there are plenty of fish in the sea.
- Write something in your profile that somebody can use as an opening topic
Once a woman had said she just bought her first home. It allowed me to congratulate her on it. It started a great conversation.
If you have traveled to an interesting place, use it. Give people material to use to open conversation, otherwise they will just use all the unoriginal stuff you have been complaining about
Think about this. This bait could be anything. The more intelligent people will use it in their openers and this can give you a small indication as to their insightfulness. This could also be an indicator as to their potential as a partner.
And I reiterate, REPLY TO EVERYBODY
I have learned that we are all going into online dating with a negative mindset, ready to wage a war for our hearts. Our guards are up and we don't want to get hurt.
Just like any war, nobody wins. To go in with palms open, arms open and starting fresh as if you have never had a date and you just want to give out love, you will have better success and we will ALL find true love.
This will result in new loves, new marriages, less divorce and more genuine caring
All the best,
Greg Dean (author) on August 05, 2014:
Thanks for the comments.
One one hand, some women will say, "No cheesy pick up lines." And others will say, "Be original." Yet, when you give them exactly what they ask for, they won't reply.
Then, some guys will approach badly or sexually, while others will be too sweet.
There seems to be little middle ground, except for the code I cracked.
The only thing stopping the online dating world successful is people themselves who are wanting to use it.
Crystal Hubbard from Jacksonville, Florida on August 04, 2014:
I so agree as I used to be a online datee Lol.
Very true about the head shot and over weight funny how people know these things but yet still believe in online dating.
SolveMyMaze on July 27, 2014:
Interesting hub. I agree that the world of online dating is totally cuthroat, and trying to stand out from the crowd in a sea of messages is hard, especially when it's a guy messaging a woman.
I would say that the pick up industry has a lot to answer for and it's a double edged sword in reality. One one side of the coin, women are almost expecting a pick up line to get the date, and they'll delete/block the sender. On the other hand, a guy sending a genuine message might set off alarm bells for the woman in question since it's such a break from the norm that it'll make her question what exactly is going on, and also make her wonder is he is a beta male since he hasn't used "A" game material to get her to respond.
Greg Dean (author) on July 26, 2014:
I am glad you enjoyed it!