Skip to main content

Below Threshold of Their Awareness All Couples Are Adulterous

Val is a life-long student of unexplored human potential and many challenges that self-honesty throws at us on that path.


I think sexuality is a window into someone's soul.

-- Alan Ball

In Mood to Expose Yet Another Hidden Human Truism

Nothing in the following post should come as a shock to any of those who are already familiar with my oddly straightforward, if not at times "blasphemous" dark passion to uncover the truth behind some cultural fetishes treated as "sacred".

Many of them surely couldn't forgive my infusion of logical reasoning into religious matters, or my "defacing" of patriotism, or my claims about people's sheepish trusting their political favorites.

Well, I am obviously not done yet, as here I go with this claim that your sweetheart, meaning you equally, can't help but unconsciously be adulterous. So, I am challenging everyone's wedding vows as only a nice conscious intention to stay faithful "till death do us apart" -- while an unconscious little devil is giggling and saying: "Yeah, right."

Now, not that all those ideal life stories don't exist, but even they are only being run on the conscious level -- technically speaking -- protected by a strong inner censor, not allowing any unwanted unconscious material to spoil it.

Over ninety percent of all our mental activities are unconscious, and that includes those spontaneous responses to nothing more than someone being of the opposite gender.

My unholy story gravitates around this simple biological fact about the two strongest instincts in our default nature, which we actually share with the animal kingdom.

The strongest one being, of course, the instinct for survival. And then the next by strength -- you must have guessed by now -- is the instinct for procreation.

No wonder that the nature attached two strongest, while opposite, emotions that we are capable of having -- fear, attached to our survival instinct, and orgasmic pleasure attached to the instinct of procreation.

It's like the nature made sure that we find procreation attractive enough not to let mortality outnumber the natality in the herd.

How is that for a hint about those two instincts never really taking a break. Just like our instinct for survival is constantly, day and night, taking record about our safety, so is our instincts for procreation checking out each person of opposite gender for a possible mate.

Sorry, guys, but being a part of animal nature, that instincts couldn't care less about our social rules of monogamy.


Sex drive is a decent energy. You can't argue about that. Keep sex drive all bottled up inside and you get dull-witted. Throws your whole body out of whack. Holds the same for men and for women.

-- Haruki Murakami

The Close Connection Between Survivalism and Eroticism

I am slowly approaching the main assertion about all couples being unfaithful, whether aware or unaware of it -- but first I have to impress you enough with the true power of incessantly turned-on tandem of survivalism and eroticism.

Let us look at some derivatives from these two instincts, which many people would never put in any connection.

From fear comes territoriality, which, by the way, refined, becomes patriotism. Then we have the rest of the package of basically animalistic emotions like jealousy, envy, arrogance, seeking an "alpha status" in the herd, hoarding the means of survival (out of fear of scarcity), shame, guilt, anger, sadness -- all derived from fear.

From eroticism we got emotional derivatives like love, spirituality, altruism, compassion, art, poetry, playfulness, humor, and particularly dancing.

Scroll to Continue

By the way, look at the two lists above, and notice how the "nice" one is shorter, displaying the truth that fear is motivating us much more than eroticism. That alone could account for our early mentioned "inner censor", which doesn't allow us to be aware of our promiscuous eyeballing the members of opposite sex, out of fear of having to face our "wickedness".

What may be less obvious at first sight is that the tandem of the two instincts is so interwoven that an emotion of one finds a partner in the other,

Like, we would never think that something like arrogance has anything to do with erotic arousal -- but ask any of those who enjoy rough sex. I actually knew a couple who, giggling, admitted that they go sexually nuts after each argument they have.

Or take those body builders, to whom their pronounced masculinity means a symbolic tool of arrogance and power over the other males -- while at the same time a tool for attracting females of certain raw erotic taste.

Also, that drive for attaining a status of an "alpha-male" in the herd is meant to help in impressing a lot of females -- while also showing off their power to other males.

Then, look at the well used -- if not already overused -- formula for an effective action movie, with a good mix of sex and violence, including the verbal one in form of profanities.

For my final example, think of all wars in the history, many of which involved impressing a woman -- which somehow explains that saying:

"Behind every great man is a woman".


There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating if the average couple did not have sex only when woman feels like it.

-- Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Let's Face it, Unconsciously, We Are All Cheaters

Covered well under the threshold of awareness is this volcano of the desire to live and to procreate -- masked under much rationalizing.

Like, when your wife is slapping that coat of makeup on her face, you just approve, kinda pleased that your woman is taking care of her looks, right?

But in reality, unconsciously she still wants to be wanted by other males, and envied by other females. And even though, in her mind, she is "done with her hunt for a mate", and for all moral concerns you can't really blame her for anything, her procreation instinct stays turned on, just like motherly instinct can never go weaker, just because kids have grown up.

Again, we can't turn moralists over all this an blame ourselves for something that's stronger than our socially acquired rules. Our instinct of procreation is just doing its job by checking out (mostly) every person of opposite sex as a potential mate. And by the way, those highly sexed types on both sides, usually called "amorous", don't even have a functional enough censor to block those desires from entering their field of awareness.

If I remember it correctly, teenagers, who are biologically budding into their "reproductive" role, have some erotic thoughts every 15 seconds.

That's the point I am trying to convey to your faithful, civilized, ethical, monogamous minds -- it's stronger than you, stronger than any social norms. Those erotic reactions are inevitable, in a sense like watching someone lick half of the lemon and automatically salivating; or seeing someone yawn, and automatically doing the same.

Now, ever since that so called "sexual revolution" back in 60's or so, you must have noticed how dancers are not dancing anymore in pairs, but in groups. Also, you may have noticed how new dances involve much more of excessive moves with midsection of the body.

Connect that with those highly sensual ethnic mentalities of Polynesian islands, Middle East, and Latinos -- all traditionally known for one or another version of belly dancing with some small possible variations.


I am sensual and very physical. I am very erotic. But my sexuality exists on a sort of a fantasy level.

-- Donna Summer

Thanks to Our Morally Programmed Censor...

You all heard about something like "Oedipus complex", right? Just for sake of reminding some of you, Oedipus was that ancient pervert who married his mother; and then some millennia later, someone like Dr. Sigmund Freud, a dude obsessed with role of sexuality in our life, used it to describe the pathology of a kid being erotically attracted to the parent of opposite sex.

Well, it doesn't even have to lead to wedding bells, like in case of crazy Oedipus, but it's not any secret that many sons and mothers, as well as daughters and fathers, develop that "special bond".

How else can I convince you about this unintentional, spontaneous attraction between genders. (Please note that I am leaving gay folks out of my story, even though the only difference is that they can't help but erotically check out the members of their own gender.)

All this marital morality, coming from the monogamous social organization, is heavily enforced by that inner censor, which doesn't allow any "immoral" unconscious material to enter our field of consciousness.

For a little parallel to be drawn with our instinct for survival, we are not aware how many times we unconsciously wanted to strangle a bastard who brought our anger to a boiling point. We water down that aggressive impulse to a possible argument, not aware that we would actually kill the person if it was not for that censor.

Likewise, we water down our sexual impulses by channeling them into any of the expressions where they are not recognizable in their raw form, because our censor doesn't let us face how we are, maybe more than it's excusable, eyeballing our friend's wife.

I have been married for fifty-seven happy years, and "only God Himself knows" that I must have unconsciously sinned a lot, since I just can't help "appreciating" woman's beauty.

Nothing possessive in that, so you may want to call me an "erotic window-shopper" -- and call yourself one, if you dare.

By the way, our marriage is still working smoothly like a Swiss watch in every of its aspects. Didn't I tell you, my wife is a wise woman, while she knows how I see the way she gets emotionally involved while watching movies with her favorite actors.

Before learning that Rock Hudson was gay, she was openly sighing, of course, knowing that I was not capable of being irrationally jealous.

O.K., with this personal admission -- which was probably a kind of due -- let's come to the conclusion about these natural instincts which don't give a damn about our social norms, but thanks to our moral brakes, here called "inner censor", we are not hearing of any massive cases of sexual harassments.

I hope you found something interesting, possibly also entertaining in this post.

A personal story showing what happens when "inner censor" fails to prevent an affair.

© 2022 Val Karas

Related Articles