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Is Your Frigid Wife Withholding Sex in Marriage?


Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Sex is a basic physiological need

Sex is a basic physiological need

Sex is a Physiological Need

Sex is a physiological need - like breathing, food, water, sleep and excretion.

When someone withholds food, air or water from their partner, and prevents the partner from getting these essentials from anyone else, it is considered abusive.

When someone withholds sleep or bathroom access from their partner, and prevents the partner from getting these essentials anywhere else, it is considered abusive.

When someone withholds sex from a partner, that, too must be considered abuse.

It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter if you are in a marriage or a long term relationship.

It doesn't matter if you are male or female, gay or straight,

If you are in a marriage or a long term relationship and your partner is withholding sex - you are in an abusive relationship.

Sexless Marriage is Not

I am not talking about a relationship that, from it's outset, is mutually agreed to be Platonic.

I am not talking about a physical condition which prevents a one partner from providing satisfaction to the other. Though it is hard to imagine not being able to give at least some passive participation.

I am not talking about a temporary, involuntary separation that prevents consummation, Of course, if this drags on, and needs are not being met, some sort of arrangement should be worked out.

Frigid Wife

Is this your frigid wife when you try to initiate sex?

Is this your frigid wife when you try to initiate sex?

How to Cure a Frigid Wife

How to cure a frigid wife is a much different question.

Withholding sex is about power and control - and the only way to deal with it is to assert yourself and your rights as a partner and a person.

To cure a frigid wife it is necessary to find the root cause of her lack of interest in sex.

There are a variety of things that could affect her libido - from depression and other psychological factors to physiological reasons like medications, hormonal imbalances, post partum loss of interest or just plain boredom.

The key to dealing with it is to determine whether the frigid wife (or man for that matter) is interested in finding out what is wrong and actually doing something to regain a normal, healthy interest in sex.

If the frigid partner is not interested in getting better, they may actually be witholding sex to control you, and just using a low libido as an excuse.

Therapists and Counselors Support Abuse

I recently read a book by a professional counselor and therapist - a PhD, specializing in relationships.

He described a case study where a woman was withholding sex from her long term partner because he had not painted the bathroom.

Although the guy had committed to doing this several times, he always had a reason that he couldn't get it done and had to put it off.

And, chances are, there were other areas in which the woman felt like he wasn't doing what he said he would do.

The counselor determined that it wasn't fair to expect the woman to have sex with the guy - she just wasn't in the mood because of her anger and disappointment.

He worked with the couple and bragged about finally getting them to a turning point in the counseling.

That was when the guy broke down, had tears in his eyes, and turned to the woman and said, "I'm sorry, I don't want to lose you."

Then the counselor worked with the guy to teach him how to be more in tune with the woman's feelings and emotions.

Hypnotic Seduction

Hypnotic Seduction

That Counselor Should Be Arrested

In other words, the man was completely emasculated, forced to endure a continuation of the woman's abusive behavior, and then he was taught some new tricks for begging for sex.

There was no mention of the guy's unmet physical needs - only the woman's unmet emotional needs.

...and the counselor was proud of achieving this "breakthrough".

I say the counselor is full of crap and has enabled ongoing abuse in the relationship.

And, I believe that the long term result is that this woman will eventually go looking elsewhere for sex and satisfaction, because she will lose respect for the man and any interest she once had in pleasing him.

In her mind, whether she realizes it or not, he is no longer a capable man who is strong, desirable, and worthy of her affection and passion.

The counselor should have told the guy to man-up, follow through on his commitments.

And the guy who was being abused should tell the woman the following:

"Look, I am going to paint the *^%$^% bathroom. because I said I would do it. But get this straight: if you continue to withold sex, I am going to put your things on the street, then go find it somewhere else."

"I love you and want you to be happy, but there are plenty of women around who would appreciate the things I do and bring to this relationship."

"I am not going to beg, bully or buy, but I will get what I want and need, and if it is not from you, it will be from someone I may end up liking better."

Do Your Part

Let me be clear, you have to do your part.

You should at least meet some minimum standards of hygeine so that you don't pose a health risk to your sexual partner.

You have to tell them what you need, you have to tell them what you want. You have to tell them when you want it.

You have to be willing to confront your partner when your needs are not being met.

You have to be willing to negotiate a workable solution without giving up your right to have your physiological needs satisfied.

You have to be willing to walk away - if that what it takes to end the abuse.

hypnosis how to hypnotize

hypnosis how to hypnotize

Alternatives to Sexless Marriage

There are always alternatives. When someone decides now that they will no longer tolerate this kind of abuse, the possibilities that should be discussed are:

Reach Some Accommodation Inside the Marriage

  • Partner may acquiese from jealousy or fear of loss.
  • Partner performs minimum requirements.
  • You will get it, but it won't be good.

Find What You Need Outside the Marriage

  • Open marriage for one means open marriage for both..
  • Do what you want, don't bring it home. Be responsible!
  • Blatant or discreet - in your face or don't ask, don't tell?

You Aren't Entitled to Great Sex - You Have to Develop Skills for That!

Food is a basic biological need.

And even though you can survive on bread and water, life can be soooo much better if you and your partner are both good cooks with healthy appetites for wonderful food.

Sex is a basic biological need, yet, it too, can be one of the highest forms of expression and self-actualization.

How to Seduce Your Wife

Men - Answer Here

Women - Answer Here


Longplay on March 15, 2018:

If you try a therapist, I recommend making sure they have experience with sexless marriages. After decades of living in a sexless marriage (from the "honeymoon" on, I forced my spouse to go with me to a therapist, a supposedly Christian therapist. The guy turned out to be over 70 and he immediately took my wife's side. In addition, instead of addressing the issue directly, he wanted to put me on the couch and delve into my relationship with my parents. Luckily, after a break in sessions due to the holidays, I learned thet the old geezer had died. My problem was not solved but at least I did't have to shell out any more cash.

There is plenty of literature out there on the physical benefits of sex and the physical harm due to lack of sex. There are also now many Christian-based websites that deal with the lack of sexual intimacy in marriage. Sadly, their advent has come come too late for me.

Bronwyn on October 22, 2016:

I don't think it's as cut and dried as a means of control/manipulation in all circumstances, sometimes it's a matter of safety. A woman can be involved in a sexually and or emotionally abusive relationship and the only safe place left is within her own body. Do you suggest that she gives away her sanctuary and sovereignty?

This post seems reflective of a very patriarchal view of women in particular, that somehow we owe it to men to service them. There is a disturbing sense of entitlement here. Of course, sexual avoidance it is damaging to a relationship, to the mental and emotional well being of both partners, not just the one being refused and yes, there are people out there who use sex as a weapon, both men and women, but it's not across the board. It can be a very complex situation at the root and the sexual avoidance can be seen as a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship and it takes two people to create that. Let's quit the blaming, it helps no one!

bngrrtt on March 05, 2015:

I agree and believe that women withold sex in marriage as a form of control over their husbands. I do not believe that in most cases it is a matter of making a women feel loved etc - this is making a man into a slave and I am very worried about the number of web sites that encourage men to try all sorts of nonsense involving acting like a flipping slave. I tried being a model husband and it does nothing to help. Men have their own attributes such as sporting abilities etc and I would advise any man to concentrate on these instead of sucking up ! If you are not getting it in bed - reduce the amount you earn for a start and forget fancy holidays etc get yourself fit - then find a hobby and a girl friend and show her some kindness instead.

William E Krill Jr from Hollidaysburg, PA on February 02, 2015:

All the answers but the right ones. Seek professional, qualified clinical counseling help, preferably with a clinician that uses the Crucible Approach by Schnarch. The formulation (and validation by responders) of what 'the problem' is on this topic in this article is so far off base as to be laughable. Flawed logic begins with a conclusion and then seeks evidence to support the conclusion, making you run down many blind alleys. Simplistic theories and simplistic answers lead to frustration and pain, and endless discontent. Rather, turn to look at yourself ,your won reactivity and addiction to other-validation for your 'cure' to your 'frigid' wife.

Grove Hick on April 04, 2014:

I have been married for 22 years and its ditto for me to most of the posts here. I have been sex-starved the entire marriage. I have gone through the same ole song and dance as most of you have. I've been the good husband. We share the housework. I take care of the bills and lawn. I provide very well for my wife.

For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I smelled bad or was really bad at making love. During one of our arguments about sex I remember my wife stating she just didn't care much about having sex. So began my dabbling in porn which still haunts me today. I have always thought if a woman won't take care of her man, then no one should complain how he takes care of himself. I still hate it though. I feel guilty when its over.

I began researching what the problem could be. I read information from seemingly rational women who claimed all I needed to do was change. I needed to romance my wife. I needed to pursue her. I needed to court her. Flowers and cards for no reason. Massages I did not expect to go anywhere. Cuddling with no expectation of sex. All things I have always done, I just did them alot more.

Just like the saying, "If you give an inch they take a mile," I gave and she took. I still got just my once per month ration of sex. This has gone on for several years now. I don't want to be taken wrong. I love my wife with all my heart. I wonder though if she loves me or if she loves getting what she wants from our relationship. According to her our marriage is perfect. She is showered with affection, financially supported, safe AND she gives sex only on her terms. It is perfect....to her.

I am going to experiment. I have decided I am going to turn down any sex from her. Really, what do I have to lose? By the time we do make love I am pissed because it has been so long and then when its over (quickly, she always hurries it) I am pissed because I know it will be another month or two before it happens again.

This experiment will be a two way street though. She is going to (knowingly or unknowingly) participate. While I will not expect any sex I am also going to quit all the "little things" she thinks she needs, in order to feel like having sex.

I have no idea what will happen. I do beleive a woman who denies sex to her man is a controlling person. I think most women learn early in life they have a powerful weapon to use against men and they also realize women own 100% of this weapon. I beleive once a woman sees how she can control every aspect of a man's life with this weapon, she will take full advantage of it. If a woman gives a man what he desires, he will do anything for her. Sadly, at some point, most woman realize she doesn't even have to have sex with her man to get what she wants, she only has to promise it will be there when the man wants it. This is when the sex declines in a relationship. Men will do most anything as long as he believes the next love making session is just around the corner. It is a dangling carrot.

Enter my experiment. I am going to attemt to neutralize the power of this weapon. I don't know what will happen but I am sure when she sees her control slipping away, she will fight it tooth and nail.

so sad on September 01, 2013:

i'm feel compelled to comment (something i normally never do!), however my partner and i are at breaking point. We don't have a sexless marriage, in fact we probably have sex nearly daily, however despite this he has had 2 affairs, one resulting in another child (we have two already). He has stated that its because I"m so cold and I don't give him any passionate love, even though we have sex regularly. In some ways I can see his point, but I don't orgasm that much with him, and I just grew to accept this as ok and accordingly my sex drive just diminished. With each affair that i find out about, my sense of my self as a women is more and more diminished and I now really have no sex drive.

I used to love sex with him even when it wasn't particularly good because it was (to me) warm and close. but what i could give him was not enough.

For me it was enough, having been thru sexual abuse when i was younger and a painful medical condition that was not diagnosed for years (sex hurt every time, even when i orgasmed), so it was enough that sex wasn't painful and that i could have some sensation and feel close.

And now i just feel so inadequate, i can't describe it. He is away alot and has affairs when he is away (including giving me an STD). I spoke to him last night and he was basically telling me if I can't be more passionate and loving then he was going to go and find someone to be with.

I have tried to leave and have said that we are incompatible, but he says he loves me and wants to be with him. That when he is with other women, he just wants it to be me. So he won't agree to separate.

I don't know what to do. I have given what i can, only to be told i'm inadequate. Now I feel like i can't even give him anything emotionally.

I understand his need for hot passionate sex, unfortunately this is something i have never in my life experienced. I hardly feel anything in sex until i orgasm (if i do), so its hard to get excited about it.

i really do not know what to do. He feels like i am controlling, but i feel the same way about him.

yes i guess its my fault, but i feel so diminished by it all, i'm at a loss. I can't even tell who is being controlling or if either of us is being abusive.

John Cole on April 29, 2013:

Wow I have read all of these posts and I only have one thing to say, except that you probably have to leave her to get your life back on track and ignore the posts by pb3131, of all the posts her his is the most ill informed nonsense I have ever read - seriously pb3131 do you not have anything better to do? let me guess someone left you and now you are a bitter & twisted individual. I feel sorry for you.

Rui on April 11, 2013:

Here I was thinking I ha a problem (and I have), only to discover that there are many men in a simillar situation.

My only problem is that I love her, I don't want to loose her, but she has to respect the only thing I expect from her.

I take care of the kids, and here I mean every thing, I make dinner, bath them, dress them take them to school etc. I clean up at home cos I don't like seeing a mess and I don't wait for others to do... But the sex is a serious problem. I have alwways been very pro-sexual, I love sex but I am not permiscuous, I don't think it's correct... but I am seriously considering giving in.

sex with intervals of up to 3 months is not right. I used to make a mark on the calender to show her, because when I say "the last time we made love was 2 months ago" she does not believe me, now I gave up, it just frustrates me to look at the calender.

Anouther thing that bugs me - in the morning, I get up before everyone, have a bath, make breakfast for everyone, then I go upstairs to fetch my son, take off his pijama, dress him and in the mean time I see my wife getting dressed. She almost always puts on a pair of jeans and a top. She has a perfet body and never buys loose fitting jeans. So there I am looking at this amazing woman., adjusting her "camel toe" so its tight, then she looks at her but to make sure its well molded as well. Then once again I sit and think, her sexuality is more than evident but I am not the focus. either she is cheating on me or she is looking to find someone.

Every day I resist in saying thats it, this relationship has reached its expiery date.

in summary, F... this, I deserve better. but problem is I love her....

Chaz Reynolds on March 30, 2013:

I don't see my situation anywhere above. I am a 60'ish man with a long satisfying sexual life. However, when I retired I took from my company a long-time beautiful colleague. We "dated", then decided to live together, sans marriage; I was 55. Now, I have had intermittent depression for many years, familial, not related to any bad events. She knew this while we were dating. A few months into a relationship that had had kind of "businesslike" sex, I had a random bad day and went to my room and cried under the sheets - pure depression not caused by any incident. She heard me, came in and ridiculed me for being a man who cried and said "She could never have sex with a man who cries"

My question now: why didn't I send her back home right away? Instead, for years, I tried to convince her that warmth, support, sympathy, and , yes, sex could make us closer and happier. For over 10 years I tried! Finally she got into fights over other things and left me. She was a robot who enjoyed paying bills, dealing with providers, etc., but never even hinted at regaining a romantic/sexy relationship.

Who's most wrong here?

I believe in loyalty, "in sickness and in health" (old-fashioned I guess); should I left her years ago?

She believes sex/romance is genetic and you either have it or you don't.

It's all in the past now, but were either of us "right" in our thinking?

bob on February 03, 2013:

Hi, I'm a pretty intelligent guy, been married for 31 years, Just read phils article, What I appreciate about phil is the fact that he is proactive, and does give those who are stalled, or in marital paralysis ways of immediately moving forward. Interestingly I was just talking at length to a cognitive behavioral pyschologist this weekend and he basically stated that most relationships that are having problems are at some level " Lacking Intimacy " . I think thats why the poems are great, whether I get them with your help or I am just gifted verbally. The problem is , most people ARE NOT gifted verbally, hence marital problems. The other thing I do like about your article is the attempt to at least define the problem and have some type of clarity. I can easily imagine lack of intimacy, etc coming from

a foggy or dysfunctional relationship where the communication is either not there or is too complex. I also like the compliment system where couples try to compliment each other every day. Point is - words are powerful , we need to use them to help our marriages. We also need to try keep it simple yet effective,


pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on May 04, 2012:


Thank you for asking my opinion. So, with all due respect to you and your wfe, here goes:

You say, "I want is her to want me the way I want her...I know it's possible!!!"

I do not believe it is possible. Why?

Because "she cheated on me with her ex girlfriend."

I think the huge problem here is that she is gay. She probably always has been and always will be. Perhaps she is Bi-sexual, and if so, there is some hope of her really wanting you. Or maybe she has been trying to go hetero because that's what she thought she SHOULD do.

You can't "fix" someone being gay. No matter what some "Christian" preachers would have you believe, it is not a choice, it is who you are, as much as whether you are short or tall, light or dark complected.

If she 'accepted those values", her conversion will be only temporary at best, and at worst, it will really screw her up mentally and emotionally by trying to be someone she is not.

"I've recommended counseling,but I dnt thinks she's gonna take it seriously or really make an effort."

Just remember, the purpose of the counseling should be to resolve the sex and control issues between the two of you. Not to 'cure' her of being gay.

You must insist - and you must let her know that if she refuses or sabotages the process, you are going to do what you need to do - with or without her co-operation.

Re-read "Do Your Part" in the article above. Decide on what you want, then do what you have to do to get it. You deserve to be happy, and to be with someone who wants you to be happy.

I just don't think the chances are very good of you having a wonderful, loving sex life with this woman.

As to the pregnancy and the child, who knows if that was planned or accidental? Maybe she got pregnant with you so she and her girlfriend can have a kid to raise. No worries for the kid, though, gay couples can be wonderful parents.

If it comes to divorce/separation, you will have to assert and stand up for your own parental rights. Avoid nasty custody battles and do not try to make an issue of your wifes sexual orientation. Not good for the child.

You know what you have to do. Good luck to you my friend.


rg on May 04, 2012:

I will be married to my wife 4 yrs this month, it's are second relationship we have grown kids tweens. We both had jobs at a co for 20 yrs ; she was laid off. Before this she would never say no to making love ; now s he says no absolutely. She goes out with her daughter twice a week. At least. I go to church, I'm faithful to her. I don't drink , smoke, or do drugs.I clean house& cook. She says I don't support her. I tell her I love her, try to hug & kiss & she says. It's too much. She says she loves me. But I'm not feeling loved. I'm not a priority.

Ormorfos on May 03, 2012:

Pete I know exactly how you feel. The depression and despair is making it very hard. I am starting to feel like a misfit not only with my wife but with people in general

Dmaso from Dallas, Texas on May 01, 2012:


Can you respond to my post please sir???

Daiz on April 25, 2012:

Married 3 years, had sex about thrice as well. She used to try to do other things but now she just doesn't give a fuck. What do i do? Smoke weed and wank it off. Sometime soon am going to have to reconsider this life.

pete on April 25, 2012:

i have been married for nearly 19 years, i am 44 and my wife is 40, we have two wonderful daughters, for the last 18 months i have tried everything to try and get my wife interested, my wife does not like going out for a drink and if i suggest going for a meal she wont go without our daughters, i cook romantic meals, i have had to ask for affection, when we do have sex i would say 60% of the time it is a major chore for her, i am not allowed to initiate sex as she covers up and stops me and immediately goes to sleep, i have to wait for her to start it, i have tried to talk to her about it but whenever i do she says she never knew there was a problem, we might have sex an extra once in a month and then back to the normal once or twice a month, my wife has called me a dirty old man if i try and do it more, it is always on her terms, i have thought of leaving but i couldn't bear leaving my two beautiful daughters, fed up! had enough! and dont know which way to turn,

pete on April 25, 2012:

i am a married for 19 years and my wife will only have sex twice a month, she will initiate it but it just feels like its a chore, i am not allowed to initiate it, if i do she puts a stop to it straight away, i have tried and persisted in taking her out for meals and cooking romantic meals at home, all that happens is i get turned down again, i am getting to the end of my tether as this has been going on for two years

Edel on April 24, 2012:

I would like to point out that Billy Bob sounds like a woman. I would put my money that you are not a man at all.

However I am a woman and I love this post. I am in a wonderful marriage meaning that we love each other and we make love to show it. I found this site when my brother was going through a very hard time. His wife was denying him sex which I do see as abuse.

But based on what you are saying if you can live without something then it is not abuse for it to be taken away.

So how would you like to marry a man then have him lock you in a bedroom, feed you clothe you. Yet you are denied the pleasure of going outside and enjoying yourself. You are denied the pleasure of expressing yourself. You never feel wanted or needed again. Will you die?? No so I guess you were not abused at all.

Now when you put it that way you sound really stupid. There is abuse going on in this world and people do not die of it yet it is still abuse.

kathleen calli on April 23, 2012:

Well I used to like sex when I was first married...but after the kids, he started treating me like dirt.....He yelled, was getting us in trouble with money, getting drunk all the time....which he still does......never took care of how he looked. Ended up being very turned off by him and we have not had sex in years....the thought of having sex with him makes me wanna hurl.....I guess it is control/abuse and we should just divorce cuz really what is the point. I do not care if he gets it elsewhere.....I mean yes his needs should be met. Being there is no love left , I doubt he will ever get it from me , unless I am in a coma or something. But we try to get along and go out to eat sometimes and do talk.....but he does not turn me on at all anymore and the thought of him kissing me with his horrid alcohol , smoke breath from the bar sickens me. Plus he sucked at it anyhow. the sex I mean.......So I lie in my room dreaming of the old sex I had with my former beau. The whole situation is a real downer. we like each other sort of , live mostly as roommates. but I don't think he cares either, he never hugs me , kisses me, says he loves me, compliments me, spends money on me......I sure wish I had the money for a divorce.

Billy Bob on April 22, 2012:

This article sickens me to no end. This kind of crap should deleted instantly and the person who wrote this needs psychiatric care. The fact that the guy who wrote this is actually saying that with-holding sex is "abuse" and that it is equivalent to not allowing your spouse food just disgusts me. What planet is this guy living in? Is this guy even remotely in touch with reality? Women are not just objects for sex, but apparently a lot of guys think so based on this article and the amount of people who agree with it. People wonder why so many marriages end in divorce but at the same time listen to destructive, uneducated and flat-out wrong articles like this.

Sex is a physiological need? Where do I even begin? Sex is an urge, plain and simple. You WILL NOT die without sex. You will die without food. So why are the two being compared on the same terms? I'll tell you why: Because of stuck up jerks like the guy who wrote this article who think that all women are good for is sex. They think that they are entitled to it anytime they please and if they don't get it their women isn't good enough. And people wonder why divorces happen?

As guys we are called to be protectors of women, not exploiters. The guy who wrote this is an exploiter, and is encouraging others to do the same by having affairs if they aren't getting the sex they want.

Marriages based completely on sex for keeping things going will not keep going. Why? Because there IS MORE TO MARRIAGE THAN SEX? Reading this article, it's clear the writer doesn't understand that. The guy who wrote this should not even be in any relationship, let along marriage, as it is clear he has no grasp of how a marriage should look like.

Oh, and the part about the counselor: Do you wonder why the guy has a freaking PHD? Do you think maybe him having a PHD in relationship studies means he knows something about it? I would go with yes. I can say one thing for sure: The author of this article certainly should not be insulting someone with a PHD as the article he wrote portrays him as an uneducated moron who didn't make it through high school and probably spends most of his hours playing WOW and watching Nascar, ordering his wife around like a servant and expecting her to satisfy him sexually when he finally gets off the couch. It frightens me that people like this are in marriages, because the actual concept of marriage to them is nothing more than sex.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes: This guy has proven himself to be, quite simply, a complete idiot, yet is insulting someone with a PHD. What's wrong with this picture?

I honestly could probably write ten pages about why this article is flat out garbage, but I'll probably smash the wall in before I get that far. It just sickens and disgusts me that people write this kind of crap, post it online, and others take it as gospel. The guy who wrote this needs to come back to earth from whatever planet he has been living on and get a grip on what marriage looks like, because the fact he is saying that withholding sex is abuse shows he hasn't the slightest clue of what it does (or should) look like. If you wanna talk abuse, how bout threatening your spouse into sex? THAT'S ABUSE! With-holding sex is not abuse, and anyone who says it is living on the same planet as the genius (sarcasm) who wrote this article. You are NOT entitled to sex, and there is NO EXCUSE for threatening your partner into giving it to you.

This article is sickening. Words cannot describe how disgusted this article makes me.

Gigi on April 21, 2012:

My husband doesn't care about sex, last time was about 4-5 months and I felt very unconfortable and used, I feel it is abussive, It hurts me, my selfsteem is gone, I gained weight and look ugly, everybody in town used to say I was the most beautiful woman around and wouldn't stop telling me how pretty I was, I guess everybody thinks so but my husband, and myself. Sometimes I don't want to look better, what for? It will just hurt more to see he doen't like me anyway, soemtimes I feel I want to be as disgusting as possible to justify his behaviour. He witholds money, hide assets, breaks my stuff, he yells and breaks the walls all the time, he throws me against walls and furniture, police came so many times and does not care, they say of he breaks private property it is not their business and they actually told me a couple of times they would arrest me for complaining so "loudly", I guess I have to ignore it otherwise I am the abusive one yelling and complaining while he laughs, he is in total control, they also said if I didn't have bruises it was probably not true, also sent me for psycological help and I am the one to be consider crazy here for getting deppressed, who wouldn't? It is very unfair, therefore I can't leave, he tells the police I hit him and that is not true, no one can help me in this disgusting place, I have 2 little boys and need him for a while, I decide to go back school and be prepared to leave him when my boys are a little bit older, I am just afraid he will take care of me not fulfilling my plans, will probably try to get me in a state hospital again lying, he doesn't want me to be able to do something for myself, he also have us living in a disgusting trailer house even when he makes $50-$60 and hour, he will not leave it, he wants me here to make me miserable, the place is horrible, tons of scarp metal outside and trash everywhere, I am embarrased and therefore don't have friends, when people come it makes me cry to see their face of horror, they probably think I am a pig too, he said he wont leave because he doesn't trust me, I probably want money and leave in a nicer place to leave him...... That is not true, I really did love him, now I dont know anymore, all I know now its he is a very abussive and bad person, and can't wait to leave him, I just pray for God to allow me to be safe till then.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on April 17, 2012:

@ESKS05 Several things worth mentioning -

1) I don't know what planet you are from, but here on earth, humans use sex to reproduce, creating babies and the next generation.

In order to assure that this happens a lot, God/Mother Nature/Evolution has given us bodies and souls that need and want sex.

This may embarass you, but that is how He/She/It created humans.

The fact that it can be the most pleasurable and bonding activity that humans can experience is a wonderful by-product.

2) The people who are posting the absolutely heart rending stories in these comments have all tried repeatedly and without success to have "a calm, compassionate, adult conversation about how to come to a compromise".

These people are being abused.

To tell them "you'll probably do just fine without it" says far more about your coldness and lack of compassion than it says about human nature.

3) Neither I nor anyone posting to this discussion has ever suggested "threatening or coercing your partner into having sex with you".

You will not find comments that support any forcible or non-consensual acts on this page whatsoever. I will not allow them in this space.

Taking a stand, making your needs known, and taking action to get your needs met does not imply using threats or coercion. It does require courage and self-esteem.

4) As to "the real horror of abuse that many people live with everyday", I would urge anyone who is living in an abusive situation or relationship to seek help and suport immediately from any and all sources available.

Get help and get out.

The poll in this article has consistently shown that 96% of the responding men believe that witholding sex is abuse, and 66% of the women responding think so, too.

I wrote this hoping to reach women in the 33% who do not realize the damage they are doing to their loved ones and their relationships.

Witholding sex may not, on the surface, appear as severe as some of the other forms of personal cruelty and degradation, but it IS abuse.

It is not just my opinion that sex is a physiological need - it is a scientific fact. Look it up.

Everyone IS entitled to it.

ESKS05 on April 15, 2012:

This is one of the more horrifying articles I've ever read. No one is entitled to sex. You want to talk about abuse? What about threatening your partner to get sex out of them? If you're in a relationship where you're not getting what you need (enough movie nights, enough skydiving, enough presents, enough sex, enough whatever), then you are responsible for doing one of the following two things: 1) having a calm, compassionate, adult conversation about how to come to a compromise that makes you both happy, or 2) leaving the relationship.

Your suggestion (to say: "Look, I am going to paint the *^%$^% bathroom. because I said I would do it. But get this straight: if you continue to withold sex, I am going to put your things on the street, then go find it somewhere else.") is an excellent example of what *actual* emotional abuse looks like. There is no excuse ever no matter what for threatening or coercing your partner into having sex with you.

This argument is not only preposterous it trivializes the real horror of abuse that many people live with everyday. Not having sex with your spouse is not the same as withholding food or water. Despite your claims, sex is not a physiological need. You may want it, but if you don't wander around acting like it's owed to you, you'll probably do just fine without it. Unless by "sexless marriage" you mean "being chained up alone in a basement somewhere," your "frigid" spouse isn't limiting your freedom or preventing you from taking care of yourself.

Rather than spinning these crazy conspiracy theories about how women and their therapists are plotting to emasculate you, you ought to consider that if you base your relationships on deep and mutual respect, then you probably won't end up throwing temper tantrums to get your way.

Elaine Doxie from Las Vegas, NV on April 12, 2012:

I will admit that I left a relationship about 6 years ago where I was accused of being frigid. The only problem was that I was giving him sex the way he said he wanted it every single night, and it still wasn't enough.

He tells his current wife how I withheld sex from him all the time, when the only time I would not have sex with him was during my period, which he would become angry with me for having.

I do understand where you are coming from as far as actually withholding sex, but I think that the accusation of withholding can sometimes be a form of abuse as well, at least when the accusation is untrue.

Dmaso from Dallas, Texas on April 09, 2012:

I have a bit of a situation myself... Ok, my wife and I have been married for almost 2 years. We are both 21 and have a 5 month old daughter. Before marriage I had maaaany sexual partners. My wife however, had only only FEMALE sexual partners before we started dating(YES SHE WAS GAY). As a kid she was a victim of incest, which drive her away from men as whole. Her and i were childhood friends,but didn't begin dating until a year after graduation. By then she had converted to Christianity and began living according to those values. Although it was extremely hard for both of us,we'd agreed to save ourselves for marriage even though we would rarely have strong intimate outbreaks and sometimes masterbate.(we had oral sex twice also)

We had the hots for each other all the time,but never had sex.

After we got married,the sexual process started off pretty slow and a lot worse than I'd expected. She said that the pain was unbearable but eventually we found chemistry and passion n it was great for a while. As time went on I noticed that she would start to avoid sex and make all kinds of excuses and if we did have sex it would be very brief n unpleasant. Like I was having sex with a dead person or something...smh...she. Evan to make excuses more and more and started to get really frustrated and presented with temptation day in and day out. She would leave me on as if she wanted it,and when the time came she would just stop or make up some stupid excuse not to do it! Whenever I would confront her about it she came up with lots of different excuses like:she wasn't sure if she was over her ex,she wasn't sure if she was over girls or not,and it was because she got raped as a kid,and lots of different stuff.

Eventually it got so bad that every time sex was mentioned we would have an argument. Eventually she stopped giving me sex alltogether, and she cheated on me with her ex girlfriend. I felt low and less than a man,all my life I'd done women dirty but I treated her like a queen.

Even after all of this I stayed with her and tried to make it work,things got better,she began to show change,she would start to treat me like a king again,and I was getting sex like at least once a day for about a month. Then slowly she started to act less intimate as the days went by. It went from once a day to maybe twice a month if I was lucky.it was so frustrating and tiring that started to even ask for sex for a couple of weeks n she. Ever even initiated once. I got fed up packed my bags n left,she begged me to stay n would call my phone all day. Two days later I found out that she was pregnant. I thought she was lying ,but it turned out to be the truth. Thinking about the future of my child, I decided to try again n work it out with her.

As time went on we learned how to talk out our differences, and she mad a 180 degree turnaround. Life was great and we had lots of sex during the pregnancy.

After my daughter was born,everything got better except for sex. Now I'm faced with some of the same issues. She try's to avoid sex any way she can,and she even let's the baby slope on top of her every night so that I can't try anything while she's sleep(at least thats what I think)

She tells me that she doesn't like sex as much as I do,and she gets angry and hurt if I watch porn. She even picked her things up n left with my daughter once because I couldn't stop watching it. She try's to say that I'm some kind of perv n the only reason I always want sex is because I watch porn!

So I stopped watching porn,they came back,n things only changed for maybe 2 weeks.

She makes a very small effort to please me sometimes but other times it's like she doesn't even care. Im starting to get to the point were I'm fed up again, I've recommended counseling,but I dnt thinks she's gonna take it seriously or really make an effort. I often find myself regretting everything sometimes n wishing I could wake up with a new life. Everything else is actually great, she's a great mother,a great wife and she does everything else a man could ask for,but I'm dying everyday here! I know this isn't right we're only 21!!! IM SUPPOSED to HAVE A CRAZY SEX DRIVE!!! she doesn't even want me to touch her n hold her some days... I know theres like a million other women that would be dying to be in her position,but cheating would compromise my beliefs and really isn't an option, I work and support my family alone,she's a housewife. I love my wife and my daughter,but sometimes I question if she really loves me as much as I do her!!! Sometimes she even try's to blame on me gaining 20lbs now!!smh...Its getting harder and harder each day,I really dnt Wonna have to settle for a divorce,I know that she would take my daughter and put me on child support!!...all I want is her to want me the way I want her...I know it's possible!!!


Wink1 on April 03, 2012:

My wife passed away almost 1 yr ago after a 3 year battle with cancer. She was definitely bipolar which had a devistating effect on our sex life for the 13 years we were married. It's not that we never had sex - we did at times. And when we did it was really awesome because the normal part of her deeply loved me but her darker side which constantly rejected me, was what ruled her most of the time. Had she survived her cancer I would have DEMANDED that she herself, go see a counsellor or I would have moved out. Some of you reading this are at the same point I was before my wife got cancer. We had marriage counceling twice in our marriage and each time when the councellor started to deal with her problems she ended it. If you have exhausted every option and your wife is not responding, you MUST take a stand, not just for her sake, but for your own well being. Pray and ask God to help you and give you wisdom in how to handle your specific situation and He will...

Lovey hubby on March 28, 2012:

I just get so fed up sometimes. Tonight, my wife and I were role Playing some "naughty masseuse" stuff and things were going great. She had me take off my clothes and she took her pants off, but after a while, she packed it up and said, "well, time for bed"

We have no problem being intimate, she will even let me play with her when I masturbate, but when it comes down to actually having sex, I find myself begging for it and almost in tears. I am going to die a very early death from the sexual frustration and anxiety!

We have been married for almost 8 years and I feel like it's getting worse. We both love each other to death, but I have a hard time believing that she is trying to gain power over me.

Sisyphus on March 24, 2012:

If you want to be happy, DO NOT marry a person who does not want to have sex with you, touch you or express their love for you freely. It will NOT change and you'll die young from the stress eating your guts out.

pupetmstr on March 22, 2012:

but what is it with a married women who only wants sex on her terms....even when im gone for several weeks at a time...and not even a hello kiss when i come home?

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on March 20, 2012:

Pardon my bluntness - having been there I can tell you you need to grow a pair.

If people genuinely like her, it is because they don't know her.

She is neither sweet nor is she attractive. She is abusive and manipulative and too stupid to realize that what she is doing is destroying those things about you and the relationship that she fell in love with in the first place.

Then she will sit around and complain about "where did our love go?"

What does staying with her teach your kids? That it is ok to abuse their partner?

What makes you think they will be able to enjoy healthy relationships as adults after growing up in such a toxic family setting?

What kind of wives will your daughters grow up to be?

Shane on March 20, 2012:

I have lost all hope. I had always wanted a loving and caring relationship and thought I had found it. Unfortunately I spend time stressing and crying over my relationship. I have been emasculated and honestly it's become too much. Our marriage has the usual symptoms:

1 sex is rare and when it occurs, I am made to feel that I am forcing her against her will. She is passive and has not once in 10 years initiated sex or initiated any action during sex. During sex she will ask me to hurry up or to stop.

2 she is now withholding sex until such time as I do more things she wants me to and "change my ways".

3. She ridicules the way I look and says I am not attractive.

4. She repeatedly says she does not like sex and would be happy alone.

5. She hates being touched or kissed . If I try she tells me I only want one thing.

6. She makes me feel like a pervert for having sexual desire.

Before we had children, I thought we had a healthy sex life and relationship. Now she uses sex and the potential loss of the kids if she leaves to control me.

She is a sweet girl. Attractive. I love her dearly. People genuinely like her.

For me there's no way forward.

Beyond_miserable on March 19, 2012:

My wife married me without a single warning as to the fact she had been incested as a child. I was a virgin, good Christian boy and all. Thought she was too a virgin - she is a Christian.) She never corrected my mistaken assumption until we had been married nearly 20 years.

At first I thought her reluctance on our honeymoon and in our new life together were from inexperience and having wrong ideas about the appropriateness of sex in a Christian marriage. Before we hit our first anniversary, I was down to sex just one day a week, unless she had her period. That was her "special time."

After our second child came, she loosened up for nearly a year, before we went to no sex ever. She repeatedly told me that she would just as soon "never have sex again." Eventually I just gave up. I'm a big powerfully built guy, who doesn't have to take crap from anyone, and one slim little girl beat me down like a whipped puppy. It was and is humiliating. To make it worse, she likes running around the house with little to literally nothing on. I can look (though it ticks her off; I'm being a pervert) but I dang well better not touch. I did the only thing I thought I could do. I stopped (or tried) thinking about sex, no masturbation, no even non-sexual touching of her (she pulls away every time anyhow.)I actually prayed sincerely that God would take away my sex drive. I looked elsewhere when she pranced into the room naked.

Two years ago she confronted me in the car about how unhappy she was about our sex life. I told her that if she wants it, she can let me know what, when, and where and I would be more than happy to oblige her. She became irate. She couldn't just ASK for sex. It was completely unacceptable.

Because I really do love her, she is extremely good looking, and I was desperate, I started trying to initiate again. And guess what? She refused. Every stinking time.

I'm not man enough to leave her. It would violate my religious convictions, and being a man of my word, I will not go back on it. But it hurts so much. I keep hoping everyday I will wake up dead. I can bench 360 lbs, but I'm not strong enough to do this. I guess in a way she effectively emasculated me.

alj on March 08, 2012:

IF a woman has had a sexual trauma in her life like the girl said about getting raped twice and cringes when her husband touches her then she should not be married if counseling did nothing and is selfish for staying in her marriage knowing that she was not willing to give herself to her husband and that is just that simple

riczldy on March 07, 2012:

I can identify with everyone on this site. I am also in a sexless marriage. Although my marriage is not totally without sex, it is still considered a sexless marriage. I am a once or twice a day person. I compromised when we were dating because we only saw each other on weekends. Maybe he was looking forward to Mondays during all that time. We are now married and we have sex only when he wants it, which is once or twice every other month. Well, this month I decided to do something different...I said, "No!" So, now he is feeling how I have been feeling for the past 3 years. Now, he wants to know when are we gonna have sex. It has only been 4 days since he asked. I want to see how he is after really wanting it for 2 months, because how he feels now is how I feel everyday, only worse.

Liya on March 05, 2012:

And what if that wife has previously been sexually assulted & raped more than twice && has resulted in being frigid even when her husband touches her. Or hugs her. && she tried seeking help, councilling, groups. You name it. But no one could help her.

Ormorfos on February 28, 2012:

Thanks for the feedback CurlySue.

I have seriously "war-gamed" the option of leaving my wife but the collateral damage would be huge to firstly my amazing children, secondly to myself and finally to my wife who I still love despite all this. My children have grown up in an environment of love. Despite the fact that my wife and I are having major issues, and even though the frustration has occasionally been aired around the children .....for the greater part we are a very happy - though tired - family. My oldest is 9 going12 and she would take this very badly. My wife one day mentioned that I should leave in front of the kids (over this whole sex issue....yes she asked me leave to leave....I did say head in the sand). My girls cried for hours and were affected badly for days. I told my wife that if we are to split it should be amicable so as to not hurt or divide the children.....but I know it will. Under no condition are they to pay for their parents stuff up.

I am willing to sacrifice the sex - for now - if it means saving my children. But who knows how long I can maintain this stance.

The other option I have it to obtain an outlet outide. I know this disappoint you but I have considered getting an erotic massage. This way it is short of actually having sex yet it will provide me with some sexual fullfillment and make me feel like a man - I at least deserve that. I am a good Dad. I also believe I have been a very patient husband. This option though will also make me feel cheap as I have to pay....but at least there will be no emotional connection.

With regard to the girl at work. Yes it is like playing with fire. But I have to say that she has actually tried to help. At the very least her company and willingness to help me has made me feel like a man again in the prescence of a caring women. It could be so much easier if my wife just made half an effort. I don't think my wife is evil or bad and I believe she does love me. But she has a distorted view on sex. Sex is not dirty. As a Christian, sex is a gift from God especially for man and wife, and actually with holding sex is a great sin. Seriously twisted issues but she doesn't see it.

CurlySue on February 27, 2012:

Ormorfos -- what Duke had to say was NOT the answer...you NEVER put a "woman on notice". If any self respecting woman got "put on notice" they'd tell you to go pound sand!

I am a married woman...I too have the same issue, but with my husband. He's the one who never wants to be intimate. That is HIS issue, not mine. However, like you, I have been suffering the ramifications of his not wanting intamacy...and let me tell you this -- it IS abuse. I put my husband on 'notice', not to belly up to the trof for sex, but rather to seek professional help, which he is.

I can relate to your frustrations and hurt. This issue is NOT with you, it is with her. If she is living in denial and refuses to change anything (get help,etc.) then you should NOT be expected to live the rest of your life being phycologically abused by her withholding some simple basic needs (passion, intamacy, etc.)

I do think you're on a slippery slope with this girl you met at work. It only takes 1 desparate and lonely moment for things to happen. I know...I've been there, except I was the other woman. Now being married, I didn't understand what I was doing to their marriage. I do now, and I wouldn't want my husband cheating on me.

My suggestion is simply this -- if you aren't happy, then get out. Your children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one.

I wish you luck...

Ormorfos on February 27, 2012:

Thanks for the feedback Duke. The issue is that if I make threats then I have to follow through with them. The repercussions are that I will need to leave which could mean damaging my children and the family unit.It could be so much easier if she justb triued even a bit. We are all tired. For me that is not an excuse

Duke on February 26, 2012:

I thought I had it bad at twice a week! Look; here's what you need to ask yourself: Do I wand to be married to a miserable old bithc that knows what she is doing is cruel, and draws more pleasure from that than sex, or give up hald my stuff and get the hell away from the withc? I settle for half my stuff. I remarried at age 43 to a 25 year old. Very beautiful woman. Sex was great until after the marriage. Then she cut me back; sometimes (10) days without it. I put her on notice that exactly as the author states above, she was abusing me and I refused to be abused. I told her I was looking outside the marriage for what she should be providing inside the marriage. She got the clue. Granted at times its three days without sex, I get it usually 8-10 times a month. What she learned as I'm a better husband when satisfied. If not I'm TENSE JERK, WHO IS SARCASTIC, CUTTING, AND ANGRY (NO WONDER)

Ormorfos on February 25, 2012:

Amazingly I just found this topic. I would like to share my story.

I am 40 years old and have been married for 14 years with my wife who is 39. We have two beautiful girls aged between 5 and 8.

Both my wife and I are Christian. I would actually regard myself as the more religious than her. That said I would not describe either of us as "fanatical". When we married we were both technically "virgins" however I had expereince with women without actually doing "it" with them.

We were together for two years before getting married and we would get very passionate on a daily without actually having sex of any type. It was amazing foreplay. We would be very affectionate with each other and always kissing (it must have been sickening for those around us)

After getting married the passion remained, even though the actual sex was not as good as I had expected. Strangely enough she had orgasms at least 90% of the time and I would get to orgasm on fewer occasions than her. So she got her fun, but was a bit limited in her approach to sex. She would not dare touch my penis. It was purely just intercouse (military and cowboy style). The passion , kissing and foreplay was there....but the actual sex act was a let down. I realised that she was frigid.

Soon after marriage (within two years) we also realised that she had a slight issue with her vagina and it needed operating (day surgery). But this did not make things better. We then had children about 4 years after marriage. During both pregnancies we never had intercourse because she was scared of miscarriage. In between the first and second child we only really had sex when she tried to fall pregnant to our second. After the birth of our second we almost has NO sex for 5 years. I basically went into a hole and never talked to anyone about it. I basically relieved myself through masturbation....but this is no replacement to making love. I convinced myself that she must be tired and I tried to ignore my pain. This may have been a big mistake.

I have tried talking to her about it but she just ignores. I have suggested we seek counselling but she refuses. She is in total denial. I have tried to analyse and research but at the end of the day if she is not interested in sorting it out then what hope is there ? She does not even respect the fact that I made a determined effort to remain a virgin as I wanted to save it for my wife. This really makes me angry.

In between all this our marriage has been tested to the point of divorce due to her interfering and domineering mother (out of interest my wife is the youngest of three girls. My father in law almost never gets a word in, and the mother in law dominates the house. I am sure this has mentally affected my wife and a reason for the lack of respect of the father / husband in a household. It is hard-wired).

In the last year I changed jobs and met an amazing girl at work.I have become very close to her and opened up to her about my issue. Atr the same time I have fallen for her though I realise it is just a 'fantasy" and can never be because of my marriage and daughters as well as my colleagues relationship. However she has opened my eyes to the fact that I have putting up with this sexless marriage for too long.

The last 6 months I have really pushed the issue. Its as if I have hit a mid-life crisis point. We have had more sex, but no more than once a month (if lucky). I have tried romancing, wineing and dining etc. It has had minimal impact. She does seem to enjoy sex when we have it, but we have sex less than 20 times in the last 6 years.....its crazy because she has orgasmed all but once in these twenty occasions! She keeps saying she is tired. (Let it be said that I do my fair share around the house. My wife does not even drive ! So you can imagine how much racing around I do for the family as well).

Personally I describe myself as a contradictory person. I am very masculine, and full of fire and passion, yet I am also very much in touch with my feminie side. Family has always meant everything to me. I am extremely honest, to the point that when I feel there has been an injustice I voice my opinion and this has got me into water water with the mother in law as she bis not use to a man standing up to her opnion. This has caused conflict. I am an honest hard working male who is proud to be a man and loves a women to be a women. You have no idea how much I use to love my wife. I was infatuated.

Physically we are both in good shape. I exercise three days a week and play sport. I regard myself as above average in looks though I am on the shorter side (in height ! ) ). My wife is a tidy unit but she is physically lazy. I always comment on how beautiful she is and I have spent a lot of money on dresses , shoes etc. She loves to dress up....but not to be sexy at all.

Of late I have noticed my wifes interest again is waning and her head is still in the sand. She doesn't get it. I myself am starting to get very depressed and my eyes are starting to look around and I am "fantacising" about another life. The reality is I will never leave my children and I still love my wife. But as I have said to her "You are my wife....not my sister. Married couples have sex..."

I really don't know what to do. Over the last year I have felt like I wish I was dead. I have also nocticed that even though I am still sexually "on fire" ( I am perving like a maniac these days) I notice that I am finding harder to get an erection. If this due to my depression ? I am finding harder to concentrate on work and am always thinking "What could have been ?" if I had married a girl like my friend or someone else who was more sexually compatible.

I am at my darkest point. I feel a sense of hopelessness. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

jerrycc on February 22, 2012:

My wife withholds sex and calls me gay and all kinds of other names. If I divorce her she says she will take everything I have and ruin me. I love her and we have a 6 yr. old. All she does is stare at her stupid smart phone. If I even mention sex she starts a fight. What am I going to do?

jerrycc on February 22, 2012:

I have been married for 7 yrs. my wife has never liked sex and has always withheld it to get what she wants and uses it as a weapon. A yr. ago she was diagnosed with herpes 1 &2. I have never had a sore so I went to the DR. and tested neg for both. She withholds sex even more now and blames me for her herpes. I love her and don't care if I get it too. I have never told her I am neg because I don't want to hurt her. I am in hell what should I do?

frost on February 13, 2012:

After talks with my wife, friends, and family members recently about these topics I discovered that they think I am too controlling and that this has led to some of the problems. I don't think I am controlling so it has made me wonder. I always thought it was my wife who was controlling.

If that is the case then why do I still get a nagging sense that something is changing with my wife and something "isn't quite right" feeling? Our doctor has established that she may be in perimenopause. Is it me or is something happening that I am not outwardly aware of here?

frost on February 06, 2012:

Thanks Pub Author for your personal story. I am sorry that you had to go through that. One of the emotions that is certainly generated through this experience is the feeling of great unfairness.

Right now I am feeling a series of conflicting raw emotions. On one hand I feel very angry at what I perceive as an unfiar situation.

Last night when she came to bed I tried to touch and kiss her but she pretended to be asleep and there was no reaction - she just laid there. Talk about a feeling of total rejection. I know what she will say - that she is exhausted recently and feel right asleep. The thing that grates me though is that if it is something she wants to do such as facebook, classmate reunion, fill in the blank with whatever, she has the energy and then some for that.

When I try to explain all this to my wife she tries to flip it around and back at me saying that I am too controlling and suffocating her in the relationship. The feeling generated here is one of confusion because I feel that she uses this line as an excuse to keep sandbagging me. Also, outside friends and family tell me that I am overreacting and to calm down and let go somewhat. But if that is the case why to I feel this is so unfair? Why do I feel so angry?

One one hand I want to try to something, anything, to get my wife to pay any attention. But then I realize that it appears futile. Then I swing to the other side and decide to try and ignore her to the best of my ability but I guess she likes that me alot and it doesn't bother her making me even more angry.

I love me wife and want to try and find some way to stay together but don't know what I can honestly do to make her reconnect to me in a positive way.

She is physically healthy and able to have sex and an intimate relationship but puts barriers between us to prevent fullfillment of that.

I find myself craving the touch of a women. It is this deep inner emptiness that isn't filled that is one of the most horrible of the emtotions one expereinces in this situation.

And finally, a sense of despair and depression has set in becuase I realize that no matter what I do it is going to suck. So what should I do? How do I get to being happy again?

troubled on February 05, 2012:

Please help - My husband confronted me last night saying that sex is how and when I want it - I was honestly unaware and having read this page I realise that he - and you are right I just didn't know I was doing this and don't know how to change?!? I love my husband but sex is generally on my terms and having read your article I am really concerned that I am imasculating him and having thoughts in other ways? - how do I change?

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on February 03, 2012:

@Icy Wifey: My guess is that he has some fairly serious sexual issues and that he is just using you as a scapegoat. At best he is unconsciously using you as an excuse - it's not HIS problem that he can't have a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. This way it's not his fault because a) you are witholding sex or b) you are having an argument and he's on the couch

This guy is doing everything he can to sabotage his sex life (with you) - the two of you need to get to the real reason - he may be gay, having an affair, have erectile disfunction, have an std he doesn't want to give you.

Only he knows and as his wife, you have every right to know the real reason, too.

Once you know the real situation, then you can deal with it as you think best.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on January 30, 2012:

Frost, you are in a tough situation. One other option is seeking counseling (with or without your wife) with your preist or minister. Just look out for the anti-male bias I mention in the hub above.

I wrote the hub because I have heard too many stories of (mostly) men who are in sexless relationships.

Decent guys who settle down with someone they really care for. A woman who is affectionate and has a healthy sexual appetite - only to find that over time, she loses interest. Or worse, starts to withold sex as a mode of control or punishment.

Many of these guys are men who do all the things they are supposed to do to "romance" their partners. Men who are helpful, faithful, loving and supportive, good providers and great dads. It's just not right.

My personal story is as follows:

I was married to my ex for 21 years and we have two daughters, grown now. Things were pretty good for most of those years, though her sexual interest definitely dwindled over the years and she became increasingly passive-aggressive and manipulative towards me.

Then she had an affair - I guess it was in year 18.

Being a loving, supportive spouse, I forgave her the best I could, and held things together for the children and for the marriage. Worked on communication and all the other things the books say to do.

Then a couple of years after that, she had another affair.

I told her that I wished her all the best in finding what ever it was that she was looking for - but that she was not going to do it while married to me. Then I helped her load some things into the van and watched her drive away on our 21st anniversary.

This was very tough - I was working long hours at a high-tech start-up company and suddenly found myself single parenting two teen-aged daughters.

It was absolutely the best thing I could have done for my own happiness and for the emotional health and happiness of the girls.

I never talked trash about my ex, but as the girls have gotten older, they have come to see what a flake she is. They have seen me give them the unconditional love and support that my ex no longer deserved.

They are both happily settled down now, with really decent guys, and I have great relationships with both of them.

I think that they benefited from my refusal to tolerate the intolerable behaviour. I know parenting was much easier without having to deal with my ex's power struggles, anger, and negativity.

Since the divorce, I have had the pleasure to once again enjoy love, passion, imtimacy, respect, and fantastic sex in my life.

I believe many of the constraints we have are there because we acquiese to them.

And I believe that the amount of happiness we have is dependent on how little happiness we are willing to settle for.

I wish you the best my friend.

frost on January 29, 2012:

Thank-you pub author and other commentors for the feedback.

You listed three options. For me, divorce is currently not an option due to the fact that I still love my wife and want to try to find a way to work things out within the marriage. Also as I mentioned, divorce would be devasting for our three young kids. It would also severely disrupt our family business threatening our financial life line. At my age and also due to the poor economy I worry that I would become bankrupt and unemployed. I also worry that my wife would become uncooperative and we would quickly become enemies were she would sandbag me at ever chance. As I said we live in a foreign country and these disruptions could also potentially dirupt my visa status here.

I equate an open relationship with cheating. Why did we get married in the first place? So that we could have an open relationship? How stupid is that? What about our vows? What about commitment?

I think I am going to tell my wife that I will stay nights at our apartment and come back during the day to help in taking care of the kids. I will explain that the reason I am doing this is that I no longer feel that I have a wife that desires me in any way, and that I am deeply hurt by the constant threats and insults but that I hope we can still find some way for my wife to "wake up" and cherish what we have by being more postively responsive to our relationship. I will try to do this as politely and carefully as possible but still worry this will generate a very negative response from my wife such as escaltion to her wanting a divorce or threatening me, herself, or the kids or making it difficult in general.

In this way at least I won't have to contiously feel like I am living with a roommate and can partially be off on my own.

I am curious. Why did you start this blog? What was your motivation?

Thanks again.

fed up on January 25, 2012:

wow, where do i start..

someone please help me to understand what is actually going on and what ele i can do to improve things as i believe i have tried everything.

i am in a no sex relationship, its been like this on and off for thought out the 5 years weve been together.

the relationship has been easy from the start as he behaves very childish at times and can be selfish to anyone elsese needs/wants/feelings.

i sometimes feel he believes he's the only one in this relationship that really matters.

it can be anything from a month to 3 months with no sex.

and no matter what i say or do to try and resolve the situation all fails, our sex life is on his terms.

i go from feeling unloved de valued negglected to a very wanted sperm dump..i feel so degraded at times that sometimes i dont even want sex..but then the mind and body over rules those deep feelings of hurt and resentment.

he says he has no interest in sex at all.

have tried everything from role play sexy kinky underwear to playing with toys next to him, he just lays there and falls asleep and basically i cover my own sexual and emotional needs..

please someone talk to me my heart is breaking.

i have been told many yimes by others that i am an attractive sexy sensual woman..

i believe this man to be controlling and the fact he fully knows how i feel and what the situation is doing to me and our relationship he does nothing to improve nor compromise..

i believe he is punishing me for his hidden anger to something i have either done not done said or not said but passively punishing me must give more satisfaction and power than actually growing a pair and just saying what his problem with me really is.

he twist things when i confront about his attitude and behaviour towards me by turning it all aroun d and making me feel stupid desperate and dirty for asking and needing him for sex and intimacy..

i feel so low, lonely.

i'm a very loving warm passionate lady and life for me without warmth intimacy ans sex is just not much of a lfe at all.

i'm a leo lady, the star sign of love and affection.

trup_man on January 23, 2012:

Thanks for the very rational article that (unfortunately) hits home way too hard with me. I will be married for 20 years this April. My wife is a beautiful, fun woman, but for the past 10 years, we have lived in a mostly no-sex marriage (statistically couples that have sex 10x/year or less). I have a great job making well into six figure income. We have 3 beautiful children and live in a great area. When sex first fell off I was understanding that is was a by-product of having children and showed great patience. But as the years have worn on, this excuse has slowly evaporated.

I am a "modern guy". I'm a great Italian cook and prepare dinners 4-5 nights a week. I get my kids ready for school almost 100% of the mornings (I work from home and have a bit more flexibility time-wise). I help with laundry and general cleaning and other chores. While I don't think my wife consciously withholds sex for power or control, I do think that she wakes up in the morning and has some irrational mental list of 1000 things she wants to see done that day. The problem becomes if only 990 of those get completed - she gets stressed, angry and sex is out of the question. I have brought this up to her and she realizes it short-term, but very quickly she reverts to form. On special occasions, or if we are able to get away overnight, sex is great and enjoyable for both of us. It's the day-to-day, mundane periods in between that are sexless and (IMHO) the true test of a marriage. I feel that we shouldn't need to travel and go out to expensive dinners in order to have sex. While there is a place and time for candles, rose petals and massages - there is also a place for "get on top and quickly get your rocks off" that tide you over in between. This may not exactly be her idea of great sex, but it DOES fulfill a need for me.

As part of my New Years resoltion, I vowed that the 1st time we went 1 month w/o sex this year, I would "man up" and lay it on the line. I am in great shape and successful and am often approached by women. I have never cheated on my wife and the thought of divorce scares the hell out of me, but I'm 45 and feel that life is slipping away into old age way too fast. On New Years Eve, we had a great night capped off with some great sex - now, 23 day later, nothing but rejection. I am approaching D-Day with trepidation (Feb 1), but thanks to your article and reading other comments, I feel as though I am ready.

MEM on January 23, 2012:

Dear Frost,

Your story is very touching. The last part made me laugh because that is the most interesting area and it is your starting point and that is why I totally agree with Author pb3131. You need to stand up like a man and show her that you are the driver.

You are the head of the house and she knows it! All she is doing is fight you mentally and suppress you outwardly. Therefore, you dont need to remind her that you are planning an outing for the two of you. Just prepare some of the most 'gorgeos' surprises. Arrange the most romantic dinner outing for the two of you and just take her there on the pretext of going for different issues - with all logistics in place. See the reaction. Take her to the places that she has always longed for without begging her to be there. Just a quick reminder that you are having a small tour.

Now the super-romantic surprises have a catch. When she likes what you are going to arrange - once you are out there and she is in a happy mood - be patient. Stick to the rules of courteous romance. Dont rush yourself on her. Let her come to you. When she does, control your feelings and let her enjoy the moment. But lead the way! That is what she wants. Find the best time to make an advancement when she is fully ready and longing.

The above process is a one day treat which should be supported with other activities afterwards. You are not a begger, and you should not become one. Like the earlier author said, you can turn yoursef into the man she is trying to find in the neighborhood. Gauge her taste in the dress code, perfumes, and most importantly communicate effectively by letting her know how you feel about certain things without complaining.

In short, you need your respect back as the husband. Give her the full emotional and physical treatment. Let her find a gem in you. The threat of divorce she has been forwarding is empty. Just show yourself ready for her and make her your team-mate with you as the leader.

Concerning facebooking. i may sugest that you lovingly st down with her and identify a cause. Then let the two of you create a fan page. Show hee that you are an active team leader she has been missing out. May God bless you marriage.

MEM on January 23, 2012:

Dear Frost,

Your story is very touching. The last part made me laugh because that is the most interesting area and it is your starting point and that is why I totally agree with Author pb3131. You need to stand up like a man and show her that you are the driver.

You are the head of the house and she knows it! All she is doing is fight you mentally and suppress you outwardly. Therefore, you dont need to remind her that you are planning an outing for the two of you. Just prepare some of the most 'gorgeos' surprises. Arrange the most romantic dinner outing for the two of you and just take her there on the pretext of going for different issues - with all logistics in place. See the reaction. Take her to the places that she has always longed for without begging her to be there. Just a quick reminder that you are having a small tour.

Now the super-romantic surprises have a catch. When she likes what you are going to arrange - once you are out there and she is in a happy mood - be patient. Stick to the rules of courteous romance. Dont rush yourself on her. Let her come to you. When she does, control your feelings and let her enjoy the moment. But lead the way! That is what she wants. Find the best time to make an advancement when she is fully ready and longing.

The above process is a one day treat which should be supported with other activities afterwards. You are not a begger, and you should not become one. Like the earlier author said, you can turn yoursef into the man she is trying to find in the neighborhood. Gauge her taste in the dress code, perfumes, and most importantly communicate effectively by letting her know how you feel about certain things without complaining.

In short, you need your respect back as the husband. Give her the full emotional and physical treatment. Let her find a gem in you. The threat of divorce she has been forwarding is empty. Just show yourself ready for her and make her your team-mate with you as the leader.

Concerning facebooking. i may sugest that you lovingly st down with her and identify a cause. Then let the two of you create a fan page. Show hee that you are an active team leader she has been missing out. May God bless you marriage.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on January 17, 2012:

@frost - I hate to be the one telling you this - your wife is not frigid. She wants to have sex, she just does not want to have sex with YOU.

If she hasn't already had sex with any of these men, she probably will eventually.

She wants someone new and different that she thinks will turn her on because she perceives them to be a little dangerous, different and exciting.

To her you are a mini-van - dependable, predictable, reliable, and not very sexy. At some very basic and perhaps unconscious level, she is longing to test drive a ferrari.

First thing you should do is to stop begging. Get a backbone and tell her you've had enough, that this is going to get fixed one way or another. Then start acting like a strong, confident man instead of a beggar.

Basically, you have three choices:

1) become a different man (play-act, fantasy or assertiveness training)

2) negotiate an open relationship

3) end the marriage

Although you may not want to do any of these things, the alternative is to accept a life of self denial, frustration, and unrelenting abuse.

Do you really think that this is how your God wants you to live?

Why do you think He gave you the wonderful gift of sexuality and a capacity for intimacy if He didn't intend you to use them?

Mwenya on January 16, 2012:

I still feel that if a husband or wife withholds sex deliberately, it is toturous abuse to the partner. It naturally deserves to be condemned in the strongest terms. If there is an aspect that is supposed to be worked on in order to fine-tune the mindset for sex, why not talk openly. But, the main problem is that some partners are never willing to listen or even make any attempts to correct the wrongs!

I have seen relationships where the wife actually threatens to deny the husband sex on flimsy grounds. There is no hopeless situation. Communication is always key to success; and it reveals all the hidden misdeeds you might have failed to notice.

If you are that man or woman still tormenting your spouse by denying them sex, you are using a very wrong weapon. It will work for a while. But in the end, as the earlier comments have indicated, one/or both of you will find sexual satisfaction outside the marriage. That will be the begining of another nightmare Forget about masturbation - dirty as it is!

Frost on January 16, 2012:

Man do I got a lot to lay out for you guys to discuss.

First of all I have been on this journey for a while now. I am 47 years old. I have gained alot of experience along the way in male female relationships. However I can honestly say that I don't ever think I will understand the female mind.

Just off the top of my head here are some things that my gut tells me after all of these years:

- it doesn't matter if you do anything such as try to improve your love making skills, clean up around the house or jump through the 1,000s of hoops you think might make a difference to her. Once your wife has made an internal decision about how to treat you, such as lack of intimacy and love making, it is difficult to get her to change her ways or even have her explain herself to you as to why she has changed in this way.

- For me I currently feel bewildered at some of the things my wife has told me. We have been married 18 years and have three kids. Recently while washing dishes she said to me: "and oh btw I don't like sex anymore. I only have sex with you to keep the marriage together." She further said "if it was up to her she would never have sex again." She also said that most women don't like sex and only do it to "keep the guy". Now when we are together (sexually) she said she is "servicing me." When I heard my wife tell me this I was devasted and deeply insulted. I then started wondering what was going on. I felt as if something had changed but could not understand why. And she lays extreme guilt trips on me whenever I try to discuss this topic with her. To top it off, there is no intimacy in our married life. No touching, no hugs, no kissess, no initmate talks - just the everyday chores of running the house and kids. If she ever talks to me it is to tell me I folded the laundry the wrong way or I left a sock on the floor. Whenever I have tried talking with her about any of these topics she blows up and tells me I am too sensitive or "sick". I practically have to beg her for sex and then she proceeds to scold me before the act saying she hates it and really doesn't want to, etc., etc., etc., Then she says I just can't help myself as if I am some sick derranged person. When she does this she makes me feel so bad - like a rapist. It has gotten to the point that I don't want it anymore - at least not from her. And I feel VERY angry. Why did she say such things to me and are they true? How could the love of my life turn into such an ugly person like this? It makes me doubt that she loves me at all. Where did it all go wrong?

- Another observation - lovemaking is a combination, in my opinion, of mind, body, and spirit. It truly does touch on all of these areas. There are also moral and religious concerns (for some at least including me). So far on this board I really haven't seen anyone address these issues - just the physical side of sex.

As for my current situation I really don't know what to do. When have three young kids. My wife and I work together in the family business in a foreign country. A divorce in my opinion would be catastrophic for all parties. I would be the big loser. So there is a huge barrier there before I even consider something like that. Cheating is wrong on a moral and religious level. Also, it is very dangerous in than you could contract an STD. I hate masturbation as it doesn't fufill the bonding and closeness need to the one I love and chose to live this life together with. Also I think it is pitifull that I have to resort to that when I am married.

Also to mention - my wife is very emotionally abusive of me. She doesn't pay any attention to me - there is no affection. I feel very alone. She has never allowed true communication between us. She shuts it down every time with insults to me. She just thinks everything I say is wrong and that she is right with nothing to change and has stated so many times.

Another thing - recently she has gotten on facebook and spends all of her quality time reconnecting with three old college male classmates and talks about them incessantly. This, coupled with what she said about hating sex anymore, really started me wondering if she was having an affair emotional or otherwise. Am I "sick" to think these things? Please tell me readers. She also always tries to go out of her way to invite these people to get togethers with us during the holidays when they return to our hometown. If I say anything negative she again blows up like this really means alot to her for some reason that I can't figure out. She doesn't spend any of this effort on me in anyway. Like I said - she refused date night or anytime alone together. She is never kind to me, never initiates anything, and generally behaves like I am nothing to her.

I asked for her username and password to the facebook account wherein she said she was deeply insulted as she explained this was her private space and off limits to me. I told her that I had given her all of my account user names and passwords to check a long time ago and why can't she do the same for me? She then had her sister tell me that it wasn't absolutely necessary for a wife to have to submit to this demand as some people do use facebook as their private space and that there wasn't anything more to read into this.

My wife also seemed to gravitate to our male neighbor - talking to him often, etc. When she talks to him a smile lights up her face and there is a gleam in her eyes as if she is on a date. She never speaks to me or treats me like this - ever. When she speaks to me it is to tell me all the things I did wrong or to point out a fault in the most negative manner. She also has their names and cellphone numbers in her cellphone. She talked with one male neighbor so often that she told me we should switch our insurance handler to him to give him some business. The guy got so confident with talking to my wife that he once told me that he didn't have to come to me to talk about this and that he would come to talk to my wife directlty whenever he wanted. To be they appeared to becoming intimate. I felt massivly dispected by my wife with these behaviours. When I tried to talk to her she again blew up and said I was "sick" and needed to see a therapist.

On our most recent marriage anniversary she told me there is no more "us" and that we should focus all of our attention on the kids. This was in response to me stating that I would like at least one day/night a week as 'date" night where we put the kids with relatives and go out just the two of us.

And finally, my wife relentlessly undermines me at home. All my decisions about the house, kids, vacations etc., are either undermined or completely reversed, oftetimes in front of the kids even though I ask her to not do this.

Just to let you know I have provided a good life for my family: a house paid for, nice vacations every year, and all financial matters not a worry at all. I spend as much of my free time with my kids as possible. We are the envy of other family and friends who frequently tell her how lucky she is.

To sum up I feel like I am at my wits end. What do I do? I feel very miserable. I would like to tell my wife, who I love very much, what is in my heart (again) and to try and work out a solution - but as I described above she is not mature enough to do this in my opinion.

She has basically cancelled out all initimacy from our life - oh yeah I forgot - she also occasionally tells me to go to a prostitute, masturbate, or get a girlfriend instead of trying to be initimate with her. Of course I don't want to do these things - I want to be with the one I love and have told her so. She also occasionally threatens divorce. I have asked her to stop saying such nasty things to me but it has little effect.

The weird thing is when we do make love she is hot and likes it alot. She told me I am good in bed. She does not have a physical problems and is completely healthy and normal in that regard. I am also afraid of making God (I am of the christian faith) unhappy by considering divorce or getting a divorce. I also fear the negative impact on our kids who are still young. I know firsthan

test on January 15, 2012:


Icy wifey on January 09, 2012:

I feel like I withhold sex but not intentionally. I know my husband gets upset and claims he wants sex more. But whenever he has the opportunity to get it he always seems to ruin the moment with an argument. Tonight for instance I could already tell he was about to start the argument. He claimed he saw me on a porn website which I can confirm is impossible. Seriously that's just crazy talk. Tell me why is it that the more upset he gets about wanting to have sex he more he ruins all chances of it by creating a hostile environment? Does he really think that's getting somewhere? He's sleeping on the couch right now.

Lost Sexually on November 12, 2011:

Thanks for the comments.

The point I wanted to make is that I became a frigid wife due to my ex husband's behaviour. Now, all I can hope for is when I do meet someone that I wont still be in a deep freeze.

I just don't know if I agree on the word "abuse" though. That seems harsh to use. Would you think that my situation was abusive because I did not receive any sexual enjoyment at all? Sure, he didn't withold the sex, but if he was the only one getting anything from it, and he didn't have any concern for my enjoyment, well that seems abusive too. Wouldn't you agree?

Also, your comment

"Masturbation is a form of sex, it is not an alternative to sex. Still gotta have sex of some kind"

Well, sex is sex, either by one's own hand or by another, so to speak. What I am reading out of this is that you require more than just sex, you actually want the physicality of two people.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on November 09, 2011:

To Lost Sexually:

Thanks for the excellent comment.

Based on what you have said I would not consider you a "frigid wife" at all. Seems to me you are a normal, healthy woman whose emotional needs have been neglected far too long.

You did the right thing by suggesting role playing and letting him know what you needed to get your libido humming. He was a fool for not listening to you and not making the effort.

Your husband did not deserve you and there are lots of guys around who would treasure a woman who is willing to make some positive suggestions to improve their love life.

Now that you are divorced and want to find your libido again, by all means, tell the potential men in your life that "wham, bam, thank you ma'm" attitude does not cut it for you.

One of the most difficult things for me after ending a 21 year marriage was to learn how to ask for what I wanted in a relationship.

Trust me on this one, neither men or women are very good at mind reading. You have to tell them what is important to you.

When you:

1. Realize that it is OK to ask for what you want

2. Accept that it is OK to KEEP LOOKING until you find a partner who will support you in achieving what you want;

then, Opening your heart to the people who do support you, Connecting with a guy who is willing and able to give you what you need (there are lots of 'em around), and Incorporating a healthy sexuality into your life will be easy for you.

Don't settle for less.

With regards to your point:

"Love is much more of a physiological need than sex. Why? Because masturbation exists."

Masturbation is a form of sex, it is not an alternative to sex. Still gotta have sex of some kind.

Lost Sexually on November 08, 2011:

I wonder why you had no comment on my situation? I know for a fact that my frigidness wouldn't be if my ex husband would have shown actual love making instead of just wanting sex. Am I dumb to have stayed with him so long? Yes and no. I do have three beautiful children; oh yeah, and I loved him....if there were reciprocation of love in the bedroom instead of wanting to use me as a place of release, I would not be where I am. If he helped more around the house, I wouldn't have had a headache or been so tired. Love is much more of a physiological need than sex. Why? Because masturbation exists. Especially in a marriage/relationship, because it is supposed to be a give and take. If partners would only stop and think...how can I help my partner so she/he wont be exhausted, then we will both enjoy sex? In my case, I worked 40 hours a week and so did my ex. When we came home, I was the one who made dinner, cleaned up afterwards, then helped the kids with their homework, got them bathed, read a book to them and put them to bed. All the while he would watch tv. After all that was done, there was always something more to do. If he would have turned off that tv and helped with the life we created together, I wouldn't have been too tired for love making. Don't think I didn't ask for help, and the answer was that he was tired. So the heck was I, but the children still needed attending to, and he certainly enjoyed the meal I prepared. Maybe if I could have relaxed in front of a tv....

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on November 03, 2011:

Dear "Three comments that weren't published recap", "LMFAO", "pb3131 is a bias boy","pb3131 you're a classic self-user and abuser".

This will be my last response to you. After this I will not approve or publish any more of your comments or try to address any issues you raise.

I do not have the time or inclination to engage in an endless debate with you. There are other people posting legitimate questions and comments and you are a distraction from that.

I routinely allow comments that do not agree with my point of view. But, I will not waste my time arguing with someone who will not be convinced no matter how many facts or arguments are presented to them.

See my comments above about "teaching a pig to sing".

To summarize my article:

1.science agrees that sex is a physiological need

2.your gender or orientation doesn't matter - withholding sex is abusive

3.mutual agreements or medical conditions are NOT witholding

4.withholding is about power and control

5.you have to do your part - hygiene and communication are required

6.there are alternatives to abstinence even when medical conditions exist

7.you aren't entitled to great sex - you need to develop skills for that

In the article's poll, 96% of Men agree with me. 65% of women also agree.

Most of your rant seem to revolve around the question "Why is a man's emotional/sexual need to have sex more important than a woman's emotional/sexual reason to not want to have sex?"

The answer is that a man's (or woman's) need to have sex is not emotional. It is biological and PHYSIOLOGICAL.

Please READ THE CHART at the top of the article!

Love, belonging, friendship, family, sexual intimacy (this would include talking, cuddling, and not having to screw a "dead fish") are what you refer to as "emotional" needs that would be "nice to have".

Just plain old physical, sweaty, getting-your-rocks-off sex is a PHYSIOLOGICAL need and as such it is MORE IMPORTANT. For humans, it is as important to life as food and water. Withholding it is abuse.

It hurts my head to try to figure out your other disjointed posts, but here are some thoughts:

Bias: Of course I am biased. Everyone brings their own life experiences and personal feelings to any ype of discussion.

However, the clinical psychologists, esp Dr. Maslow above, are not biased, and all their findings are scientific and peer-reviewed. There is no bias in the article - it applies to men or women or LBGT. Read the "It Doesn't Matter" portion of the article

Perhaps I was wrong about pinkumbrella's situation.

As far as I know, she hasn't taken issue with that assessment nor has she delegated YOU to be her spokesperson. I am happy to revise my response when/if she clarifies.

Most people would agree that it is common that in the early phases of a relationship, people wear rose colored glasses and overlook the faults of their partners. They can only see the good things.

And in the later part of a failed relationship, they can only see the bad. This is just human nature and seemed to me to be her situation.

It is also well documented that women tend to lose interest in sex (especially in a committed, monogamous relationship) while men tend to keep the same level of interest in sex that they had at the beginning of the relationship.

As to your hating sex, anyone who believes that "men get unattractive behavior that cause women to cringe at their touch and become disgusted at the thought of having sex with them" sounds like someone who has been abused. I urge you to get some counseling.

NOWHERE in the article or in any of my comments have I supported spousal rape or any form of forcible or non-consenting sex.

I truly wish for you a life in which ALL your needs are met - not only the physiological, but that you are safe and secure in your body, that you enjoy the love, belonging and intimacy of a family, that you achieve your goals, that you are respected by others and that you show others respect.

And that you can set aside your own prejudices and come to an acceptance of the facts.

In the meantime, if you really need a platform for your anger, I encourage you to create an account here on hubpages and write your own freaking article.

Stay out of mine.

Lost Sexually on November 02, 2011:

I'm unsure about this frigid deal. For the record, I am 45, married for 18 years, virgin at the time I married. Ex wasn't a virgin. My ex husband wanted sex all the time, but it was just that, sex. He never wanted to make love, cuddle, or kiss. A wham, bam thank you ma'm attitude I believe brings out the low self worth feeling that a woman starts to lose interest. Woman need the tender love that will lead them to love making. I even asked my husband if we could role play; I thought that was an exciting idea. Nope, he wasn't interested. My lack of libido flew south forever. Now that I am divorced....I want to find that libido....but I'm just wondering, with my lack of self esteem in the sex department, should I just tell a man what I want?

Sammy on November 02, 2011:

Women play games. If you want to use sex as leverage then you had no business getting married in the first place. It violates one basic fundamental of marriage vows. It isn`t all men that treat it as a duty, however, many women know their rights to the point they have the capability/option to abuse it. If there was a penalty for violating a mutual contract then she should be held liable in some way. She has the cards to say he was unfaithful to obtain a divorce (civil) and/or can claim rape when he makes an advance. She also can decide whether to keep the child against his wishes because it is her body and he has no say so. It is indeed about control. Women love to put men into a catch 22,whereas, they constantly "squeeze" and "pull" to the point that a man breaks or withdraws from the marriage---usually she would still win with alimony. We are truly not treated equally in this country. Any group that has ever achieved "equality" in the USA, exploit it to one up their "oppressing" class. This goes for religion,sexual orientation,gender,race etc. Everyone thinks freedom is an allowance to display the same behavior that they claimed to fight against. It`s selfish.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on October 28, 2011:

These last few comments really make me think the monogamy that most of us are taught to value does not have any basis in reality. Why should guys (or women) who really love their low libido partners be forced to destroy the relationship through divorce or cheating in order to satisfy the natural sex drive that God or evolution has created in them?

This doesn't sound like deliberate abuse or a power and control issue, just a sad and untenable situation where there are no good society-approved options.

Seems like negotiating a more open relationship for one or both makes more sense.

Fly rods and campfires on October 27, 2011:

I met a lady 3 years ago who was very attractive and was very attracted to me. We were on fire from our first date and it escalated quickly. But after 6 months of mild drama and paranoia from her previous relationship, she became less interested in sex.

She has praised the way I treat her and seems happy with me and my contributions. I am a clean and conscientious type of a man. I try to put her needs and feelings equal to, if not above, my own. She often comments that I am the best smelling man she ever knew. ha ha.. And in turn, I treat her very well, I comment her daily, sincerely, she knows I do not want anyone else and I am available to her 24 hours/day every day. No external problems or threats. We have many mutual friends and acquaintances who would let the other know if there were someone else involved. We are monogamous.

Anyway, after those first 6 months, we had 6 months of discontent and uncertainty in our relationship. As an aid to a solution for our lack of sex, she decided to get the shot, Depo-Provera as a new birth control method since we were monogamous, we thought condoms may have been a factor in the lack of interest. It did stimulate us for a while but the frequency dropped off again and after 18 months of frustration over my desire and her lack of, she stopped the shots. I had discovered that a side effect of the shot was in fact decreased libido and in effect, we had made things worse.

Now, another 6 months have passed and her sex drive has still not improved. We have sex less now than ever and I am starting to lose interest in sex with her at all. I am 46, she is 41. I love this lady and walking away is not an option I take lightly. We have an arrangement that isn't terribly bad, we live separately but that works best for our different occupations and our children. We have talked and I do not see this as her holding out, I just believe as she has said, she just doesn't feel the need for it anymore and while she does enjoy it when we do, it has become something she can do without for extended periods. Romantic interludes and gifts always make her feel closer but they do little to stimulate her sexually. She still watches me with that sparkle in her eye and is always proud to be seen with me, we share the same enthusiasm for so many things... Sex is the only thing we can't agree on

1 thing needs changing on October 14, 2011:

Firstly, I'd just like to say, thanks to pb3131. Every other site I've been to all say it's my fault for not paying attention to her emotional needs! It's not. I love my wife and fancy her so bad it hurts. Beyond sex, we have a good (and strong) relationship. We enjoy each others company and love to be together. I find her sexy and attractive (and constantly tell her so). I also consider myself to be a pretty modern guy. I help out with the chores, get the kids ready for school etc. etc. (I'm a rubbish cook but I even give that a go when I find the time). I also like to think that I am a devoted lover and do not consider myself to be selfish. I enjoy all the usual stuff and beyond. I love to give sensual massages, tender kisses and oral sex etc. (although, unless asked for, the treats are rarely reciprocated).

So, over the years, I've tried it all; romantic weekends, poetry, love letters, chocolates, sexy underwear (even for me ;-) you name it, I've probably tried it. I've even tried ignoring her, working late and weekends away with the boys etc. All such methods work, as stated on the cover, but never to any on-going effect and the process of seduction is never ending and, frankly, tiring.

Now (although I may be wrong), I don't think that my wife deliberately withholds and I don't consider her to be abusive, I just genuinely think sex is not on her radar. Not in any way shape or form. When we do have sex, it is always me that initiates and it is always me that controls the activities in the bedroom. Not that I am forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to mind, it's just that, if I don't make the moves, it would just never happen. Unless she is due an Oscar (which I doubt), it is rare that she does not orgasm. And, believe me, once I do manage to get her fired up, she is hot, hot, hot!

The one thing that did work for a while was an agreement we made to have sex twice a week. One, time I would initiate and, the other, she would. (FYI, I would have preferred more than twice a week but hey...) For a time, this was great. Thing was that, after maybe a month or so, I was finding that my “initiate” was pretty much as early in the week as possible (and sometimes she would say no, which, knowing the next time was likely to be yes, made it a little more bearable) but her initiate, was left until Sunday night and usually resulted in a quick “let's get this over and done with”. This is not what I wanted, I really don't want to be the pressuring ogre, and don't enjoy “forced” sex. So that agreement eventually just petered away.

So basically, what I'm saying is that, my wife enjoys sex (once she gets going). Better, I firmly believe there is no-one else she would rather be with than me. It's just that the effort involved in getting her going is such hard work. I am rejected 90% of the time (which does nothing for my self esteem) and, many times, I can see that my wife is just “performing her marital duty” (which makes me feel terribly ashamed and upset). I think we are on a completely different level with this regard.

I've put up with this problem for most of my married life (11 yrs). And, looking back, I guess the signs were there before marriage so, in that respect, I guess I should've “manned up” back then. But, alas, I didn't, so here I am.

Now others on this site may look at my situation and think I am very lucky to have a wife with whom I am actually having sex. But the fact is, the constant battle and rejection is probably just as bad, if not worse, than abstinence (and yes, I regularly end up having to please myself). I'm not un-happy in any other aspect. I love my wife and kids, we are, mostly, debt free, we live in a great house, in a great part of the country. Life's pretty peachy and, even it it wasn't, I'm really not the sort of guy that could walk out on his kids (so please don't tell me I need to threaten her with divorce papers). I just want her to want me as much as I want her.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on September 28, 2011:

There are two comments above from a woman who disagrees with me very strongly.

She doesn't use her own account but has made up a couple of bogus accounts called "pb3131 you're a classic self-user and abuser" and "Pb3131 is a bias boy" so she can be anonymous while she rants.

Pretty chickensh*t if you ask me.

I allowed these comments because opposing points of view do not bother me. There was a third comment that I denied because it was just too filthy and hateful.

Whoever you are, I just wonder:


Refused on September 14, 2011:

For those that argue that refusers (the spouse that refuses sex when they are fully capable physically and medically of having sex)are only male or female need to understand the refusers are both male and female. Typically, as is the case in both stereotypes and in many polls and statistics, women typically withhold. Now this isn't to point the finger and say it is all women's faults, but lets proceed on the basis of this article which is about women that refuse.

I have been married for 4 years, and my wife when we first met used to enjoy sex and we would have it very often. Over the course of these 4 years we would have sex less and less, understandably after kids.

These are the factors I have noticed that affect womens sex drives:

Body image or shape after having kids, they don't feel sexy in their own minds or they are self conscious.

Kids nearly ruin it, after dealing with kids all day, the last thing on their mind is doing the reverse cowgirl for you.

Granted these things in mind, that is NOT to say that refusing sex for LONG periods of time IS OK.

I have sex, but not nearly as much as I used to, and the quality is dismal at best. The expression laying like a dead fish comes to mind, and she has never been the initiator of sex. I like many men, LOVE it when a women is sexually assertive and is enthusiastic, now she tells me I am a perv and I should get help for having such a high sex drive. I say she should get help for constantly refusing me. I get the "no" and I ask why and she says "oh so I have to give you a reason? It's my body" I have considered if she is having an affair, but I highly doubt it, she doesn't exhibit any signs nor does she seem that type. I think she IS using sex as a way of showing her unhappiness or further exerting control over me. After reading MANY blogs and articles, I have found it is not me that has the problem but her. She refuses counseling and she forbids porn, and expects me to only have her, meanwhile she is witholding from me... ridiculous! I do not doubt that there are understandable factors, such as hormonal imbalance, PTSD from pregnancy, medical issues, past abuse in spouses that for many is the cause of the lack of sex, which in my opinion are understandable and require help/counseling/work. Thats not what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the wife that CAN but WON'T and seemingly likes to make you feel frustrated because it reiterates the control she has. It is emotional sadism.

Pb3131 is a bias boy on September 05, 2011:

I just love your bias. I also love your assumptions based thepinkumbrella's character. If it's possible for a woman to fake enjoying sex to trap a man into depending on her for sex why isn't it possible for a man to change in 7 years? In fact you stated “YOU changed” how come it's reasonable that she changed but he didn't? What thepinkumbrella stated is true sometimes as the years go on men get unattractive behavior that cause women to cringe at their touch and become disgusted at the thought of having sex with them.

pb3131 you're a classic self-user and abuser. on September 05, 2011:

1. Your little tantrum with thepinkumbrella has shown your reasoning is that if she doesn't give you what you want then she's one with the problem.

^ I love how you refused to accept her partner changed but was rock solid in your belief she changed

2. Your belief that if someone isn't giving you want you want that excuses you to get it elsewhere/leave

^ How is that any different from a woman 'withholding' sex to get what she wants? Both are doing what serves their best interest without regard to the other person. Unless you are advocating that these men get approval from their wives/girlfriends for affairs and paying prostitutes. Your

3. The classic abuser reasoning of “you'll do it if you love me”

^Your pay for sex solution as “there is no emotional infidelity” conflicts with your statement to thepinkumbrella about sex being a way to show you love/care about someone. If love/caring was the reason then “”only physical gratification” from a sex worker wouldn't suffice as they could also just masturbate to get “only physical gratification”.

4. The term withholding implying that sex is a duty she must perform as it is owed to him

^I am curious as to what makes sex a 'need' like food & water & sleep & toilet activities as those as things we require to survive and bodily functions that occur to keep healthy (rest your mind &empty body of toxic waste). If sex workers can fulfill this need it's not about showing you love/care about a person. Is it the orgasm if so is it just laziness to want their partner to have sex with them since guys can get their same 'need' filled by masturbating. Plus he doesn't hassle, pester, and bother her with his need to abuse and use her body with little regard to her feelings in order to fulfill his 'needs'. Is it the ego boost of being found sexually desirable after all if a guy is getting his 'need' filled it shouldn't matter if his wife is not excited about having sex with him or is just laying there like a dead fish or telling him to hurry up and get it over with he's still having sex. Is that why sex workers are a great solution because they do put on a show and do whatever you pay them for?

My dating advice for women is to avoid men who think sex is something that can be withheld because those types are classic self righteous users/abusers.

houseband on August 21, 2011:

been married for almost 16 yrs. - frigid wife's excuse is that she's always tired or in some sort of pain...when we have sex she enjoys it...I initiate most of the time - we have been arguing about it lately - no libido whatsover!

when she has her period, i'd be lucky to get a bj after much persuasion. Sex has become a begging game now..we've talked about this for years, but everything goes back to scratch...if the opportunity presents itself-definitely going to have an affair

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on August 16, 2011:

There are lots of women out there who would be happy to find a 50 something man with a healthy sex drive. I agree, time to man up...

C James on August 16, 2011:

Just to assure Frank Lee's convictions, I can relate in just about everyway that you have described. I would however, urge you to avoid pornographic stimulation,as this can be extremely addictive and take hold of your life in a very negative way.I too, believe that your partner has dishonored her vows and there is a definite consequence for such.At 50 years of age,we should still expect a healthy sexual appetite.My next step will be to confront my partner with an altimatum to attend together, a sex therapist.If she should balk at my suggestion, papers will be presented. Time to man up.

frustrated on July 17, 2011:

Thanks for the fantastic advice.

Unfortunately, I've tried communicating with her and it hasn't led anywhere apart from two arguments and lots of denial on her part.

I'm going to leave. She is playing games with my head and, for whatever reason which I can't fathom, she is attempting to make me miserable.

If it was a case of her feeling uncomfortable with her body or uncomfortable with sex then I could deal with it and help her. However, I know there aren't any deeper issues other than her manipulative personality.

I'm getting out.

Married to Ice on July 14, 2011:

Interesting poll. Almost all the men think this is a form of abuse whereas 60/40 of women do. I’m sure my wife is in the no category. That’s why someday (soon) when she goes shopping or whatever, she is going to come home and find my ring and the divorce papers on the kitchen table. Then she’ll learn and it will be too late. Just tying up some details and then I’m out of here. Screw the counseling (pardon the pun). If she isn’t smart enough to figure it out, I don’t need her!

smcopywrite from all over the web on July 11, 2011:

i believe that the entire issue is surrounding intimacy and not the act of sex itself. if this person doesn't want to have sex, they dont want to be intimate with you or feel they cant be intimate with you.

not having sex or reasons why you dont want to share the act with an individual on a psychological level is never a simple answer.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on June 30, 2011:

OldSkool - great advice for how to discuss her "getting help or getting out". Care must be taken with the "going neutral" strategy for the reason you give, and also because it may lead to just drifting along and never really taking the next step to getting out.

These days I would say it is ok to "get angry and get out". The anger may provide the impetus for change, and in some cases the passion of anger and threat of loss may actually reawaken her interest. She may be testing to see if "you really want her" and a neutral response is counterproductive.

Show her you are Man enough to demand what you want and are willing to walk away if you aren't getting it - that can be a powerful aphrodisiac.


OldSkool on June 29, 2011:

D'oh, I just posted a major dork-out. ForkArtJunkie, my last post wasn't meant for you, it was meant for Frustrated. My apologies. That's what I get for not paying attention to the formatting in the postings...

OldSkool on June 29, 2011:

ForkArtJunkie, let me tell you right now, there is a difference between a marital problem, and a domination ploy.

A marital problem happens because of injury, age, exhaustion, abuse, or other factors that prevent people from really enjoying intimacy. In this case, it's not about withholding - it's all about "I just can't because I'm too afraid/tired/hurt/injured/frail". These issues can all be addressed, mitigated, or discussed.

The real point of the posting is talking about sex as a form of manipulation. Unfortunately, everything you've described so far sounds exactly like that. This tactic I call "Fry and Freeze" - one minute she's all hot, ready to go, the next she'll chill you to death if you get too close.

Strange as it sounds, the solution is simple.

1) you need to approach her in a neutral setting (someplace in public that has enough privacy to allow you to talk freely, while not "giving power" to any one party because of where you are at). When you approach her, turn off all electronic devices (cell phones, ipods, ipads, gizmos, etc) to eliminate distractions. Make sure you're not around noise or visual distractions either. This ensures that everything said - and seen - is direct and sincere. When you do this, try to *neutrally* broach the subject with her. "I've noticed a lot that you seem interested when it's time...but when the time comes, that interest has gone away. Is there something wrong?" Do your best to avoid blame or fault, because that's just going to divert you and her down a path that leads nowhere - and nothing will get resolved. Stick to the topic, it allows her a chance to express why she's doing this, but in her own words, rather than you trying to guess those words. If that expression is "you've been a jerk, bad, etc. etc." then take that to the next level and try to find out how to patch things up. If the reaction is 180 degrees the other direction - "well, because I can" or "I don't care" or "I don't need to tell you" or other excuses to not address it...then you'll have to do the hard part next:

2) stop even thinking about her. In fact, whenever she says "I'm ready" or hints at it, say in your mind "she's really saying no-way". Get used to this, but make sure you realize it's only when SHE says it, not some other woman. It's important to keep this distinction because eventually you will lose interest in her...and with the "cloud of sex" removed, you can begin to see her as she really is. Unfortunately, this usually means you'll end up leaving...which is why it was so important to distinguish her actions and meanings and keep that straight in your head. If you meet someone else and they say "Yes" and really mean it, then the last thing you want to do is hurt them badly by confusing yourself and saying "she's really saying no"...keep it straight, this is about her as an individual.

You need to remove your emotion from this as much as possible and look hard at the situation. Is it because there's a real problem in the relationship, or is it because she's flat-out trying to make you miserable? Just because misery loves company doesn't mean you need to stick around to suck it up.

Another way of looking at it: if she's really that unhappy, then she'll be happier elsewhere...and with someone else (and so will you as a result of this). You're really doing both of you a favor. Don't stay in a relationship that makes you both miserable. Takes two to tango, and both parties are responsible, not just him or her, but BOTH. If you can't decide to be together - as one - then no matter what happens, you're always going to be just two roommates who occasionally screwed each other when they were bored.

frustrated on June 22, 2011:

My girlfriend is manipulative. This evening she invited sex, we got turned on and she disappeared to the bathroom 'to tidy up'. When she came back to bed she kissed me goodnight and turned over. I know from experience that she will respond angrily to any conversation about it.

This is definitely a control thing. Abuse seems too strong a word but it is manipulative behaviour designed to invoke a negative emotional response.

I'm supportive, I tell her she's attractive and try to make her feel beautiful.

Unfortunately she has unresolved emotional problems which she is unable to discuss. I've been close to leaving so many times and I'm wondering if she will ever change.

ForkArtJunkie from USA on June 03, 2011:

I don't think it's abusive if one partner doesn't want sex at certain times. Or, too if they're elderly, and nether is that interested anymore, but to withold it for control, that does seem kind of abusive. I'm a woman, but not married - I'm not sure why it always seems the wife is the one witholding sex. Strange.

Journalistmommy on May 15, 2011:

I'm getting a kick out of this hub and the comments. This is hilarious.

Oh, and withholding sex if you're not married is not abuse. I'm only obligated to have sex with my husband, not a boyfriend, partner, etc. If I don't want to have sex outside of marriage, I don't have to.

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on May 07, 2011:

Read it and weep, guys - "57 percent of men between 35 and 44 wanted more sex compared with only 28 percent of women, while 14 percent of women said they wanted less". This from a recent Austrailian study...

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on February 02, 2011:

One other thought - if the wife is witholding/denying sex and the man does not want to be unfaithful, one option would be to pay for sex from a sex worker. There is no emotional infidelity involved - only physical gratification. This should be done with an abundance of caution, both safe sex and careful selection of partners. What do you think?

max on December 11, 2010:

I've been married for 24 years. Prior to marriage there was never an issue. It seemed like either of us was more than willing to please the other. However, over the years my wife has been steadily loosing interest. We would have sex but it would be sporadic averaging maybe 2 or 3 times per month. I would initiate often but 90% of the time I would be dismissed. She would tell me that it was too early, or too late, or that she was tired, or too wound up, or in a hurry. There would always be an excuse. Heaven forbid I should wake her when she was sleeping. When I try to tell her how I feel she would tell me that I was not normal or that I was a pervert.

I can’t remember the last time we had spontaneous sex or on my initiative. When sex did happen she would make it implicitly clear that she was doing me a favour, that she was performing her obligation. On one occasion she told me ‘ok get it up, you have 5 minutes’. That episode didn’t go very well.

She's probably rejected me hundreds if not thousands of times over the years. The last time we had sex was about 6 months ago. The next time I initiated I was dismissed yet again. We both had the day off work and shortly after breakfast I started to get the feeling. She told me she didn't have time, as she wanted to go to do her workout. I pointed out to her that she had time for a two-hour workout (every day) but no time for me. I remember feeling rejected, but for the first time, also deeply offended.

That was the last time I initiated anything. I now feel that there is no way for me to approach her for sex. It is too frustrating and frankly humiliating. If she hasn’t had any desire for years I think it’s fair to say that I too have lost my desire now; not for sex, but for sex with her. I won’t ask for something that is repeatedly denied. Evidently, she doesn’t miss the advances.

I've wondered if she wasn't getting it somewhere else (maybe during the 2 hr workout) but I don't think so. If she is, that's her choice and at this point I'm not sure it would make much difference to me. I’m not sure if she is just oblivious or a manipulative witch. As I said, I have tried to let my frustration be known.

I’ve never been unfaithful. However I feel that her behaviour is a betrayal, not so much different than being unfaithful. I am trying to figure out where I should go from here.


pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on November 04, 2010:

I totally agree that the husband in this case is not deserving of sex from the wife. I doubt that he misses it, though, because given his agressive and selfish behavior he will get sex elsewhere if he wants it.

I pray that anyone, man or woman, who is in a non-consenting, abusive situation is able to get the courage and support needed to get out of that relationship. You do have choices, and there are many people who are willing to help.

As to sex being a robot act, I agree with Woody Allen (Hollywoood Celebrity) - "Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."



HN on October 02, 2010:

If husband abused his wife for 27 years, all kind of abuses, physical, verbal, emotional. Since 25 years wife was doing how husband wants. If husband hit her very hard, verbally abused her then right after in 10 mins asked for sex, she was giving her, but after 27 years like this kind of situation, wife was tare down, her interest in sex dropped, her self-esteem dropped. Husband did not respect his wife at all. Now after 27 years wife is getting disgusting to have a sex with husband and saying no to him. I have a question for the persons who commented that it is their right to have a sex. But they forget to have a sex with your spouse you should have a healthy relationship. Emotional and psychological attachments are absent and only physical acts of sex are performing is wrong, it will subside your needs but it will tare you down emotionally and psychologically, In this kind of situation, if husband wants to get help than only wife can give him what he wants. Even wife has to go to therapy too , in 25 years she is physically, psychologically damaged a lot. Do not write that having sex is everybody’s right like having right for breathing. If real love is absent then sex is robot act. Which is not good for any of the partner.

kitty kat on September 04, 2010:

Pink umbrella you are an abuser of sex and the first step is too admit you have a problem. My husband does not have any sexual problems just that he is a controlling miserly jerk that uses sex as a weapon.I was having a better intimate relationship with my vibrator. He tells me if i wear more makeup then if i wore less or dress this way or I waited on him like a slave and no self esteem left he will have sex with me. Well I have found the solution I am having an affair with a man that worships my body and I am loving it. I don't have to beg for scraps and he just fester in his own hate.

البيعلبي on August 04, 2010:


pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on July 19, 2010:

IMHO it depends on whether the witholding partner is aware that there is a problem, and if they are aware of a problem, if they are willing to work on fixing the problem.

It is up to you to make sure they know it is a deal-breaker and that you will leave if it doesn't get better.

Then it is up to them to decide if they want to get help.

If they won't acknowledge there is a problem or if they refuse to work on fixing it, move on - like right now.

It won't get better on it's own.

Ironically it is women who take this knd of attitude that are often more likely to pursue an affair. They are attracted to strong men, and lose interest in the men that they control and dominate.


sexlessbuffalo on July 12, 2010:

I should also point out that we are in our early 40's and we both look very young and attractive. I have no sexual issues and well equiped for the job. Her ex husband did abuse her sexualy by forcing her to do things that she didnt want to do - nothing that is too traumatizing, but it crossed the line on what she was willing to do. Her lack of interest in sex was masked early in our relationship - probably because of being new lovers - i didn't recognize any issues. Now we have sex about once every week or two - if she feels like it. When we do have sex, she just lays there and grinds her teeth and tells me to hurry up and finish. I HATE having sex like this - i am starving for passion and having sex with enthusiasm! She tells me that I should use my hand if I want more sex. I love her very much, outside of the sex issue, she is a wonderful wife and mother - I JUST NEED SEX or I am going to EXPLODE!!!

sexlessbuffalo on July 12, 2010:

I have been dealing with this problem with my wife. she avoids sex any way she can, and we do have sex, she wants me to hurry up and get it over with! I am tired of dealing with it and i have told her that i am ready to go elsewhere. she tells me that she cant help it - she has no desire. any advise?

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on July 06, 2010:

pink umbrella - You are a classic, self-righteous user and abuser.

I doubt that your boyfriend's actions or sex drive have really changed that much from what they were 7 years ago.

YOU are the one who changed.

I would also bet that you never told him that "Life is not a pornographic movie. Not many women want to be pounded all through the night, especially if its just to get him "his."" - back when you were first dating.

Just like JR's wife above, you probably only consented to sex back then because you wanted the safety, comfort and security of having a boyfriend.

And you probably put up with his "unattractive" actions back then, too. Thinking that once you had him you could change him to better suit your needs.

You acted dishonestly to attract him and lock him into a relationship where he is dependent on you for sex.

And now that you have the safety and security of that relationship, you don't have to pretend any more.

For you, sex isn't a way of showing your love and willingness to care for someone.

It's just a very powerful way to punish, manipulate and control them.

If I were to give any dating and relationship advice to your boyfriend (or anyone in a similar situation) I would tell him to leave you standing in the dust by the side of the road.

You're never going to learn to sing.

the pink umbrella from the darkened forest deep within me. on July 05, 2010:

Vanessa- your situation is self induced. If he had this problem before you met him, than you ingnored it because you wanted to progress in the relationship. I can only see this as your frusteration not being your fault if it was a problem he developed over time. you should not have an affair, you should deal with it or break off the relationship. Obviously it isnt his fault, and if it is you should encourage him to seek medical/mental help. But under no circumstance is not having sex with him abuse on your part. I dated a guy that would want to have sex for hours on end, and i had to break it off, because that didnt suit me. Life is not a pornographic movie. Not many women want to be pounded all through the night, especially if its just to get him "his." I understand what your going through, and i sympathise. Please dont take anything ive said the wrong way, i did not mean to offend. But i cant believe this hub was written this way. It could have been so much more informative if it wasnt written by an idiot.

the pink umbrella from the darkened forest deep within me. on July 05, 2010:

This article was both offensive and untrue. You know why i dont have sex with my boyfriend of 7 years? because his actions as of late have been so unattractive, that i literally disgusted by the thought. It is not abusive to withold sex, it is however abusive to not leave someone alone when they say no. your an idiot.

petzoomsonicpet on July 05, 2010:

This explains that perhaps some men may not be able to do what is required in order to get sex from their other halves. You cannot just tell your woman, "Drop down your knickers for me in order to perfom sex." You are required to do much more and intead of walking your lover to bed, you should talk her to bed after sweeping her under her feet with love. Read more at http://www.mattersofsex.com

Vanessa on July 05, 2010:

thanks a lot to pb3131 for his excellent and insightful answer. I found it very helpful. And I loved the analogy of the singing pig - right on the button !!!

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on July 04, 2010:

Yesterday I heard a comic say that "a sexless marriage is like having a starving person living with a sandwich". It got laughs from the audience, but seemed pretty sad to me...

pb3131 (author) from Amherst, MA on July 04, 2010:

Medical issues are often at the core of a loss of libido. Good on you that you are working with a doc to get better...

dracaslair on July 03, 2010:

i'v been in issues that caused me to withhold.iv gone to my docter a lot to help me.i suffer from a medical issue.my hormones dont work right.iv faked my wants just to make my man happy.

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