The women of my generation grew up living in the land of Fairy Tales and Handsome Knights on White horses rescuing us from our fantasy perils. And, the fantasy did not end in elementary school, but attached itself to our memory as well as our young hearts.
We were the ones who read all books about love in the elementary school library. And, I read all the books about the presidents, especially Abraham Lincoln.
Looking back on the boyfriends we filtered through to find the one who touched our hearts equally with the same teenage passion of life as ours, became a tiresome job.
Most boys to men like to show their dominance with their macho ways, which I was not impressed. My mother raised me to be a strong independent person, so I looked to the heart of the man, pure and simple.
My Check-off List for the Right Man
Many of my friends still look for the man who can please them. Not the same old stick-in-the-mud couch potato who lives for "Football Season." And, not the workaholic man whose is absent when we need him.
My Check-off list grows daily for men:
1. Does he wake with a smile and a passionate kiss for you?
2. Does he fix breakfast for you for no reason, just because he loves you?
3. Does he give you a goodbye kiss in the morning?
4. Does he call from work to say he loves you?
5. Does he surprise you with flowers, candy and wine?
6. Does he snuggle with you in the evenings?
7. Does he ask about how your day went?
8. Does he take you out on a date during the week?
9. Does he include you in his weekend plans?
10. Does he take you on night rides to look at the stars?
11. Does he take you on romantic picnics?
12. Does he surprise you by taking you in his arms and dances through the house while kissing you?
13. Does he touch you as he walks by to show he knows you are there?
14. Does he put his hand in your lower back to guide you as you walk through a door or a crowd?
15. Does always care about his hygiene around you; smelling fresh and clean?
Where are the Passionate, Caring, Attentive and Loving Men?
One might conclude there are no perfect or passionate men born yet for one to pick. And, then why are we stilling reading romance books that give us hope there are men in the world who are still passionate; no matter what life has dealt them.
It is sad to think many women are stuck with---and yes I will say it---selfish, unlovable, obnoxious, recliner potatoes, drinking beer, scratching insensitive jerks, gone on weekends golfing, hunting, fishing, out with the ‘Good Ole Boys’; everything, but being home or spending time with the woman they are supposed to love.
They treat their women like a second glass citizen. And, how do I know this? Some of my girlfriends actually put up with this type of treatment---and they are the reason I am writing this for them to wake up and not smell the same old brown stuff their man is giving them.
My Kind of Man
Neanderthals are Still Alive--My Girlfriends Married Them
I believe these men fell off the planet of "No Manners." The reason for that analysis is that I went to pick up some of my girlfriends for a girl's night out; one of the husbands actually got out of his recliner and answered the door. And, just when I thought he had improved, he put his hand on his business, scratched and shifted gears in front of me. Then, turned and hollered for his wife---the Neanderthal turned and left without a word with is knuckles dragging the floor.
What a beginning for a girl's night out. My face stayed red half of the night. The first act of kindness I did for my friend who lived with a knuckle dragging man was order her two glasses of wine to begin her night of fun.
How could she love that man? Out of the three of them that night I heard the most amazing stories about their life; and living with men who might make the Neanderthal look appealing.
The Neanderthal Man Check List
They knew I would listen and never say anything negative about their lives, how they live it or their men. However, I thought a lot, but I laughed at their unbelievable stories---while secretly it hurt my heart to know they thought it was normal to be treated this way.
The Neanderthal Man Check List:
1. He never remembers birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas or Mother’s Day.
2. He never surprises her with flowers, wine or candy
3. He never includes her in his plans for the weekend.
4. He barely kisses her at all.
5. He never asks her about her day.
6. When she has a migraine he stands over her bed asking: "Where is my dinner?"
7. He never takes her out unless it is to one of his friends' barbecues.
8. He never walks with her always ahead of her; telling her to "Come on."
9. He never goes shopping with her, he never buys the groceries or even brings milk home—because that is her job.
10. He never makes love to her---it is only sex like some rutting animal with no passionate kisses--it is wham-bam-with-a-no-thank-you-ma'am.
11. He never takes her to the movies---he just sits in his recliner, drinks beer, scratches and watches TV.
12. He never talks to her unless he wants another beer.
13. He never complains about her reading books because then, she is silent and he can watch TV in peace.
14. He doesn't respect that she works outside the home too, as well as does all the work at home; cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, ironing, and shopping for groceries.
15. He never cares about his hygiene or looking good around her; calling him a slob would be too kind.
Listen to Your Girlfriends Talk--it is Good Therapy or Them
And, while the three of them talked and laughed that night about their husbands and their treatment from them; and I wondered if this is therapy for them. To get it out in the open with other women who live in the same situation.
It makes me wonder if their men are the people that are joked about shopping in Walmart. The people whose pictures are shared on the Internet; the ones dressed in weird unusual clothing, the unclean, shabby, unmannered, torn clothes an attitude that proves they do not care.
Men Who Need an Intervention
Then I look at these three women whom I've called friends for many years; that are living with or married to these men. I cannot wrap my mind around any reason for these beautiful women to select them. Is there a reason I am not seeing? The only reason I know is my friends are settling for third best; completely overlooking second best in my opinion.
These men need an intervention, but who would do it? Not their friends because they are alike, and not the women because they do not want to hurt their feelings.
Great Grandmother Valentine
This might be an issue that my Great Grandmother Valentine could solve. I said my bloodline is filled with hot-tempered tenacious women and she was the leader of the pack. This story embellished or not was told as the pure truth and written in the family Bible.
My great-aunt's first husband was a mean man and when his business did not produce a profit he came home and took his wrath out on my great-aunt. One day my Great-Grandmother surprised her daughter with a visit; and rode her horse up to their house silently. When she put her foot on the first step she heard her daughter scream.
When she got to her daughter her husband was standing over her beating her with his leather belt. My Great-Grandmother reached for the cow whip by the back door and proceeded to beat the living-daylights out of him. One of her sons walked in and took the good-for-nothing to jail. This was the first divorce in our family and good riddance to him.
The 2021 Update
I started this article on 2015—skip forward to 2021—One of the three friends husband died in an auto accident—she was sad for a very short time and finally found a good man who spoils her, loves the ground she walk on. I told her I was jealous.
The second friend got a divorce and started back to college for her master's degree. She is happy just being alone for now; college keeps her busy.
The third friend has her husband in marriage counseling and he goes to every meeting. I am watching this very closely and with fingers crossed—I want the best for her. Honestly, I do not think this is the right man for her—however; it is not my business—as I ponder.
I stay busy not minding my own business--because I would be bored. However, strong women are the ones men should pick as their lifelong mate--we are the best.
This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.
© 2021 Barbara Purvis Hunter
Barbara Purvis Hunter (author) from Florida on June 12, 2021:
I know from years of reading your words that your father did a great job. I hope all is well in your world. How is Maggie?
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on June 12, 2021:
I was raised by a man who believed in treating women with respect. Those lessons never left me. I think I fall on the right side of this "debate." : ) I hope your weekend is brilliantly happy, my friend.
Barbara Purvis Hunter (author) from Florida on June 12, 2021:
Well, some women like to babysit these bad boys, but I have higher standards--to me they are a big waste of time.
Thanks for your comment.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 12, 2021:
The Neanderthal Man Check List #16 He'd die to protect her.
There seems to have always been this weird dynamic with dating.
Everyone's heard the old cliché: "Nice guys finish last."
However no one has ever heard of the LONELY "player", "bad boy", "a-hole/jerk", "narcissist", "gangster", or "alpha male". Is that a coincidence? Probably not.
A lot of women admit to going through a "bad boy" phase.
You could stick such a woman in a room with five men and have four of the drop to their knees extending their heart out to her while the 5th guy sits in a corner sipping a cocktail acting as if she does not exist.
That will be the guy she wants to get to know!
She sees him as being a "mystery", a challenge, someone she has to "figure out", and she has to "prove to herself" that she can get his attention. If she learns other women want him then his stock rises! (You then have "nice guys" becoming "bad boys".)
Any "nice guys" that cross her path are ignored or put in the friend zone. Some of these women admit they're uncomfortable being placed on a pedestal.
Their own "best friends" and family don't treat them like that. Others claim it creeps them out a little or is too boring.
"Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us."
- Ellen Hopkins
Eventually most of those women grow out of their "bad boy" phase. It's a practical decision on their part to start dating a "nice guy". They're fed up with drama, heartache, and betrayal.
Nevertheless many of these women feel as if they "settled" because they never quite have the same passion they had for the "bad boy". However that's what fantasies are for.
It's been said men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. However with age and experience comes wisdom. Men learn everything that glitters is not gold.
Women learn actions speak louder than worlds.
Too bad we spend so much of youth learning things the hard way.
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde