Some time ago, I wrote an article titled “7 reasons why you shouldn’t date a divorced man,” and I must say I was overwhelmed with the amount of responses this article received. When I wrote it, I was writing it based on my own experience in that matter, and it was relieving to see that over 80% of people who read this were either in the same boat as me or agreed with me. So that in mind I decided to investigate the other side of the coin, seeing I received a lot of requests to write a rebuttal on this subject. So before you continue reading this article, flip over to this page, so you get the gist of why I’m writing this article.
So I went and did my research and asked various men if they would ever date a divorced woman, why or why not and here are the seven most common reasons why men should stay away from a divorced woman:
Possessiveness – Most divorced women are super ridiculously possessive. Since their marriage failed, they don’t want a repeat performance, so they tend to assume the dominant role. So, they pick up a trick or two in their failed marriage and they use this to their advantage. Regardless of whether they or the spouse did the cheating, if infidelity was one of the reasons their marriage ended, then they will step up the game and make sure it doesn’t happen again even if it means sticking to you like glue and watching you like a hawk. Every female is a threat to them. Some even go to the extent of hiring a private detective just to satisfy their paranoia.
It’s always You Vs Ex – Divorced women NEVER get over their failed relationship no matter what. They may have the courage to say “oh I’m so over him,” but in reality, the fact that they have “divorce” stamped on their life resume is very battering to every divorced woman. So even though you’re the man in her life now, she will always find a way to differentiate you with the ex. Whether you’re having a nice meal, she will unconsciously say “oh my ex hated mashed potatoes, so glad you like it,” or you go shopping and she will say “my ex hated shopping.” In the beginning of your relationship you won’t notice it but gradually it becomes a pattern. “My ex did this, my ex hates/loves that, my ex is blah blah blah.” If her ex has found happiness with someone else, it doesn’t go down well with her. Even if she is happy with you, she will still want to find ways to infiltrate her ex’s life as it hurts her badly that another woman is successful with the ex and not her.
You are a Pawn - No divorced woman wants to live in defeat and so in order for her to move on and try to “handle” her failure, she needs you to achieve her success plan. Remember, she is hurting from the loss of a marriage and since she can’t just “revenge” without consequences, she needs to boost her ego and this is where you come in. You are the tool that shows she’s moved on and she doesn’t just take you as you are. She will dominate you, she will ensure she’s the boss. At this point, she commences war with the ex (whether good or bad) and she will always want to show him that she is doing much better than him and sadly you are just a pawn in her deadly game.
You will say “I do” whether you like it or not. Unlike a divorced man who shuns the idea of marriage again, for a divorced woman it’s the opposite. She doesn’t want that divorced title for the rest of her life. She will find ways to get you to do the unthinkable of you dropping your sorry knee and asking her to marry you, because she’s not having it being called a divorcee, and if you’re dumb enough to succumb to that, then you’ve just reserved a VIP ticket in her hell.
You are more likely to be dumped -Statistics show that over 75% of divorces are initiated by the woman. So if you, as the replacement of her sorry ex, are not fulfilling the job requirements, you will be given the boot faster than the speed of light. Women today have more power to end relationships unlike in the past where a woman was stuck to her husband for life regardless of the state of the marriage. When she sees that your not giving her what she wants, or you’re just not getting to the level she expects you to, then she will enforce a breakup as it makes her feel powerful and dominant.
Dating you is proof she’s not damaged goods yet. A divorced woman wants to prove that it was not her fault the first marriage ended. So instead of swallowing her pride and just living the single life, most women bow to social pressure. If she is at a certain age (especially over 40) most people will associate her as either a lesbian, or a manipulative wicked witch with a “B”, or a selfish pratt or a woman who can’t keep a guy and all sorts of assumptions. Though this may not always be true, most divorcees can’t handle the assumptions whether they are true or not. They don’t want to be alone as they are not used to life alone. So dating you, for her, is a sense of achievement and purpose, as that is her sole aim, not love and all that crap.
The Kids – I saved this one for last as kids are the deciding factor for anyone who attempts to date a divorcee with kids. Unlike a divorced man with kids, for a divorced woman with kids, the story is slightly different. Statistics show that children are more likely to bond with a male partner of their mother than the female partner of their father. So chances are you will get along with her kids, but she will resent you for it because to her, her kids reference her as number one and nobody else is allowed to content for their affection. She will not let you take that title from her even if the kids are crazy about you. You will see that suddenly she becomes beyond irritable every time the kids say something positive about you. She gets super jealous because she feels you are taking her kids away from her. She actually loves it if the kids hate you so she can act as the mediator, the bringer of peace in the relationship.
So should you date a divorced woman? My advice is a super gigantic enormous big fat NO!! Regardless of whether it’s a divorced man or woman, do not attempt to date them. For those of you that are already dating a divorced person and are happy with it, well good for you. But for those that are unhappy, or are attempting to date a divorced person, I urge you to flee as far away as you can. Yes single men and women all have their flaws but at least you are better equipped to handle their flaws than the flaws of divorced people.
Ask an Expert: Will Men Date Divorced Women?
tired on July 28, 2020:
Never marry my soon to be ex wife once we're done. I'm certainly not a perfect person, but wow. I pitty. the. fool.
Marie Flint from Jacksonville, FL USA on June 02, 2020:
This sounds like a big blanket for all divorced women. I'm somewhere in between in an estranged marriage. The two of us haven't finalized a divorce because we don't want to hurt each other's feelings. The relationship doesn't work, though, because of different core values, which you did not mention in this article. Yes, core values are a BIG, if not the most important part, of a working relationship.
Some of your points are valid for immature people.
Thank you for the read.
Kay on February 11, 2020:
Yeah, I don't think so. Men generally marry sooner than divorced women. Many women do not want to marry again ever "not falling for that trick again".
You are more likely to be dumped and that is because you are too needy. Women have taken care of their families in most cases and have put their own needs aside - "no more responsibility for others" thank you and "no, I do not want to entertain you, I need my space"
Tired of Simpletons on October 16, 2018:
Speak for yourself.
Insinsitive on September 06, 2018:
Where I do agree overall that a lot of divorced people have issues because of the hurt caused by the other person, it still does not mean that they should be shunned by ever dating someone again. And that's how I felt that you presented your argument.
I believe that as long as God is working on the person who is divorced there can be major restoration of the person's heart and soul.
And to completely say they should be undateable is insensitive and quite frankly, ignorant on your part.
You may have experienced something ruff with the guy you dated who was divorced, but not all divorced men and women are the same. Just like never-been-married people, they all have flaws.
Just take a moment and ask yourself, are you undateable because of your past? Is there something you have done that should warrant never dating again?
Think about putting yourself in someone else's shoes before trying to tell others that they should not date someone just because of something they've gone through in their past.
If they have grown from the experience, especially putting their life in Christ's hands and have healed from the past, then they have just as much right to date/remarry as the next person.
andy on August 15, 2018:
how are married people any different than people dating many years with same problems, each person different and ajusts to things different ways.
Led on August 14, 2018:
Not even close to my personal experience
D F Cheshire from California on July 29, 2018:
The skinny on dating for older divorced men and women. You can lie to yourself and tell others you are over your ex and that dating again will be a piece of cake.... WRONG .... I tried contacting old high school girl friends and had zero success. I tried Zoosk and Match and and had one decent date and the rest were all duds. Dating sites just sucked my wallet dry. There are so many women who look great and they know it so they can call the shots. But most women rarely even meet you for coffee as they love the attention but will make excuses to avoid going out.Those dating sites just want your money and if you get matched up the date is often over 100 miles away. My suggestion for men in love with their current girl...is to keep the romance alive and pay attention to her needs. Don't give her a reason to seek attention elsewhere. Because there are plenty of wife stealers on the prowl. Starting over in your 50's or 60's is just not fun..... it's hard work and a lot of one date and dones.
Vickrant mulay on July 22, 2018:
Shouldn't be making assumptions, judgements just because u had a bad experience.
Marci on May 08, 2017:
Just one question. How would you feel if you where divorced and somebody layed down these theories on you. Your obviously not divorced so I'd like to understand how you know so much about us divorcies and how we think. I guess your theories should only come from what you personally experience. Not generalisations. Maybe we where just unlucky meeting the wrong person. From my personal experience ive learnt to servive in a cold world where people lay judgment on you for being divorced. Has it ever accured to you that people who have struggled or experience hardship in their life are just generally looking for someone who cares about them without the judgement. If you turn your back on getting to know someone because they are divorced, you will always be the type to turn your back on anything that gets hard in a relationship even with dating someone who is single. Life isnt always perfect. Its important to be understanding and patient to see what that person is all about. Single people can have more serious issues than someone who is divorced. Ive overcome challenges but its made me a better person. Caring and understanding of others situations.All i can say is get to know that person and their story before judging them.
Preacher on April 29, 2017:
Additionally to all of that, by the way, the Bible says that anyone who gets divorced and marries someone else commits adultery.
Sushmath on March 25, 2017:
This is the perfect article. Reality is not sweet. I am an Indian living in Portland. I married a girl who was 23, lot of dreams coming from India. As soon as the college get started she started to have a thing for playboys in the college. She had a problem introducing me to her friends as her husband. It hit me when once when she was studying in the library and it was her birthday. I went to surprise her but saw him with a guy named M*k. I thought they were just friends studying hard late night. It was 11:50 and I thought I will surprise her. It was 12, then the guy started to touch her hair and started making out.
The flowers in my hand fell into the ground!! Depressed!! He lifted my wife right in front of me and carried her to restroom, while I Am at shock. I was soo in shock that I fell on the ground against the wall. Before I could recover they both come out of restroom, All their hair messed. Their satisfied faces tell me that everything had happened.
It took me months to realize this fact And I concluded that I will not be able to forgive. Their parents rushed to my house when they knew I had filed for divorce. I thanked them saying that they had given birth to a nice woman. They said that they will buy their son in law with their money if required. I think that's what they did.
1 year later I came to know she s still spying on me. She says her current partner who works in Microsoft (to make
Me jealous) and is not able to satisfy her and asks me to visit her. I still do not know what to do since I am still recovering from the shock and she expects me to visit her.
So the part about spying on ex is 100% true. I have moved on without a regret and about to marry a nice unmarried woman.
The part about comparing it with ex is also true. Though she may say she is over me, she will always compare me with the guy whom she dates. She often blames him in front of my female friends telling he is not really charming and stuff. The same she said About me after a few months after we are married.
For all guys over there, never ever date a divorced woman. A divorced man will move on after a couple of years, but a divorced woman will always compare thought out her life and make yours miserable. There are a lot of negative people whom you want to avoid. A divorced woman is one among them.
Sushmath on March 25, 2017:
Dude! You seem to be the one man. Woman have too much power today, I agree. They don't need to stick around with marriage.
what on March 17, 2017:
This just seems like a terrible relationship that didn't work out, and specific people that may not have worked out what they really watned. Not a good deciding factor on an entire population.
Beth on February 18, 2017:
I find your view extremely narrow-minded and limiting. I know many divorced women with children who come away better adjusted for it and are nothing like the image you paint. Sure, some are possessive, jealous, crazy people, but most of those issues were probably present before kids and divorce happened. To stamp everyone who had kids and then divorced with this kind of stigma seems a blantant way of shaming people to stay in a bad situation, no matter how it may be destroying them, because leaving automatically decreases their value. That os in no way true. Divorce tests a person and pulls out the strength or the weakness in them or both. But it is just like any other challenge in life- you have the experience and take what you will from it. A person should be judged by their own individual character, not by the things that have happened in their life. They certainly shouldn't be looked at as being less because they have accepted the very personal and demanding role of parenthood or had the courage to leave a bad relationship, even with the additional responsibility of children.
Jen jen on January 23, 2017:
I never wanted a divorce but I filed for one because I couldn't live with his infidelity. The longer I ignored it the more he felt at liberty to do it. I was raised in a Christian home and believe marriage is for life. It was very painful . And going on afterward with two sons was painful. This article doesn't take into account the women who didn't want a divorce. What about abuse? It isn't a fair argument for every woman. Because of judgemental people like the arguments in this very article it has been challenging to move forward. My two boys are grown now and I am not dead yet. I have a lot of love to give someone. Just because I'm divorced doesn't make me a horrible manipulative person. I am warm tender fun and exciting. Nothing like the women in this article.
Mohammad Mahfeli on January 16, 2017:
Absolutely right. I've gone through every detail of the above mentioned reasons in my second marriage.... Kind of nightmare for me.
david on January 02, 2017:
from the Bible: Luke 16:18:
".....and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery"
you can yell and spew anger over this but explain to me why the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is over 65-70%??? Maybe God knew exactly what he was talking about? maybe God doesn't bless these 2nd unions because he doesn't approve of them? I don't want to marry someone (for whatever reason) whose first marriage "tanked" (I don't care if he cheated/abuse anything else--many women go into marraiges think they can "change" the other person)--I'm NEVER going to be called someone's "second chance"-its almost like be a "consolation prize" when you don't win the first prize--FORGET IT
Sarah on December 27, 2016:
This is quite rudely written and judgemental, to be honest this is awfully mean. Not all cases are like this at all. Does this only apply in the USA or something...? I haven't seen a divorced woman like this ever. This is quite mean for those women who are divorced and not like this what you write. Still if a man and a woman don't get along because of this article then it's not meant to be. Or if a man is judgemental after this and won't date a divorced woman, he's not that wise. But here you are not writing kindly about divorced women since this doesn't apply to all. I have divorced friends and am divorced myself and none of these apply. Please do not make judgements on people you don't know.
david on December 18, 2016:
I never (or never will) date a divorced woman with kids. Nobody has explained to me why I should assume the emotional and financial responsibility for some kid that I had nothing to do with bringing into this world--all I see is a "clone" of her ex-husband running around my house-and then there is the ex-husband and ex-inlaws who you can be sure will continue to play a part in this kid"s life--I do not need the trauma or the drama of this situation-the latest statistics indicate that the divorce rate of second marriages when kid are added to the mix is ~70-75%--I can get better odds in games of chance in Vegas than this
Superman on December 05, 2016:
The points raised are correct. But does this mean that a divorced woman is not fit to marry anyone?
Girish on September 22, 2016:
You got it wrong. Just the opposite of your premise is true. You seem to take a contrarian position from the normal for the sake of it.
You seem to have taken criticisms for your previous article on men too seriously. That has made you falter and take an extreme view.
Jay on July 01, 2016:
Article is spot on. And of course it's not every woman. It's just a very accurate generalization. Just like a bad stock fund some of the stocks are good. But I wouldn't recommend buying the fund. I would highly recommend staying away from American women in general and marry someone that comes from a culture and family with strong family values. And even single girls that have never been married that were raised in broken homes are a high risk because they never learned loyalty or family values.
stan on April 02, 2016:
What is explained in this article applies absolutely to what I was experiencing in my previous relationship with a soon-to-be-divorced woman with kids.
This is a mistake I deeply regret because now I am facing very bad consequences. I used to spend so much money pleasing her and her kids that now I am financially broke. In return, I just received a lot of possessiveness, a childish behaviour and disrespect from her. Basically, I had to say yes to everything even when very deep inside I did not want to do it. However, the worst part of all is that at the time I accepted the emotional problems this relationship brought to me because I thought it was part of true love. After almost three years of facing this toxic relationship I finally decided to break up with her. Now she regrets it and she wants me to come back but I simply do not want to do it.
I really feel bad and I think I am a loser for not being able to date good women. I don't want to suffer like this again, life is short and nobody deserves this destiny.
mIchael on March 15, 2016:
You should have advised men to ask the question: Why did he leave her? Why would a seemingly nice guy walk out on, what appears to be, a beautiful woman and their teenage daughter who is entering her senior year of high school.
Flags were up everywhere for me but common sense took a back seat. I was used so she could feel good about herself again. Ironically though, shitting on someone else apparently doesn't affect her.
Now I go from loving widower to loathsome loser. What makes me feel like a complete idiot is that I fell for her fake, patronizing manner because I assumed her connection to the yoga community was a spiritual one.
Kevin on March 09, 2016:
I recently dated a woman that has been divorced 3 times, and I ended it because I can see that with this many divorces that I would just get to be divorce number 4. I find it difficult trying to date women between the age of 40- 52 because all of them have 2-3-4 divorces under their belt, and they think nothing of divorcing the next fool who gets in line. I am with the other guy that posted about finding a Christian woman from church who is against divorce, and this is the direction that I am going these days. You still have to be careful even dating a Christian woman because many of them are Christian in name only and will not follow the Bible teachings on divorce. Today you have to filter/vetting a woman pretty hard in order not to get someone that will divorce easily. In our culture in America today most people treat marriage like a 2 litre disposable soda bottle...just throw it away when it has no use to you anymore.
joe on February 21, 2016:
This is true ,Im actually going thru that situation right now.We just had angument, She said her and her ex are just friends. Then she said she can hang out with him which I think she did . Its a long story if I have to explain in detail.
Case997 on February 03, 2016:
Dated a divorced woman with two kids. Try to respect her situation, was sensitive to her needs especially with two young children (5 and 8). She turned on me like a pit viper when thought she could do better. Got a bar musician whose around once in awhile. Got 2 kids himself. Train wreck coming and I'm smiling.
Real Case on January 29, 2016:
I made a mistake marrying a divorced woman
Andrew on July 18, 2015:
Hi, I just read the article and I found it interesting and entertaining. However, these issues raised are very serious, significant and painful for so many people. If we followed the advice of the author we would be reducing the pool by 50% in the USA & 42% (national statistics office 2013) here in the UK.