Why Am I Marrying?
Ama is a born-again Christian who is courting Kofi Ampadu. “I am so excited because I have finally found the right guy. He is so loving and caring and he fears the LORD just as I do. We have planned to get married sometime in the future and I know he will be a good husband. He has helped me to believe in love again. There was a time when I hated men and I thought I would never get married. I was involved in 4 relationships before I became a born-again Christian and I met Kofi, and those relationships ended in chaos. I want to get things right this time and I want to know some premarital Christian counseling questions I should ask myself so that I can be well prepared, ad so that I can increase the chances that the marriage will work,” she asks, with a beautiful smile on her beautiful face.
If you are in a similar situation, here are Christian premarital counseling questions you may consider asking yourself.
My Purpose For Marrying
Some young people, especially teenagers, marry because others are marrying and it looks “nice” to them and so they also want to try it and see. Some young men and women marry because friends and parents put pressure on them to marry when that is not their deepest desire.
You need to know exactly why you are marrying. If you have a clear understanding of why you are marrying, and your goals are clear, you will experience a stronger sense of fulfillment and satisfaction as you achieve your marriage goals.
- Am I marrying because I want a companion?
- Am I getting married because I love it when I see my sister caring for her baby and so I also want to have my own children? Am I doing this because I want to obey the LORD’s command to perpetuate the human race?
- Do I feel that I am incomplete and marrying will help to “complete” me?
- Have I also joined the school of thought that it is when I marry that I will feel happy? Am I that miserable as a single person?
- Am I marrying because I am burning and I want to satisfy my sexual desire within God’s ordained institution for satisfying that desire?
- Am I marrying for prestige? Am I getting into this relationship because I come from a poor background and I feel that getting married to this rich man or woman is the quickest way to get out of poverty?
- Is it because I see what I lack in myself in the man/woman that I am attracted to?
- Am I just trying to fulfill my childhood dream of having my own household?
A Bit Of Heaven On Earth
Everybody goes into marriage to find happiness and you must search deep down in your heart and find out if you really feel that the man or woman you will be living with for the rest of your life will make you experience a bit of heaven on earth.
- Do I feel that my boyfriend/girlfriend really loves me?
- What does he do consistently that makes me know that he/she loves me?
- Will he be able to sustain his love for me?
- What are the things I can do to help him keep loving me till death parts us? What can I do to help create conditions that will make it easier for him to continue loving me as the marriage evolves and goes through the different seasons?
- What are some of the happiest moments he has made me experience? How can we recreate, repackage, and remodel those experiences to sustain the spark in the marriage?
Research shows that people who are emotionally insecure are more likely to feel dissatisfied in a marriage as time passes and to seek a divorce. Therefore, you need to do soul searching and honestly come to terms with whether you are secure emotionally or not so that you can seek professional help before you marry, if you have to.
Here are some questions you may ask yourself to find out if you are insecure:
- Do I judge myself harshly and devalue myself when I meet members of the opposite sex with my lover?
- Do I think a lot of negative thoughts about our relationship?
- Am I always expecting the worst to happen in our marriage?
- Do I try to control situations when we disagree? Do I bully my partner often?
- Do I try to force my views on my lover when we have conversations and when we have arguments?
- Do I get suspicious when I see my partner with a member of the opposite sex in obscure places?
- Do I get jealous when I see that my lover is happy whilst he is with members of the opposite sex?
- Do I try to please everybody in my partner’s family and all his friends because I don’t want them to dislike me?
- Do I feel that I must win every argument I have with my partner?
- Do I always get defensive when my partner points out my flaws to me?
- Do I often use my partner’ s flaws to ridicule him when I get angry with him?
My Ex And Past Relationships
All sorts of feelings can come into your body when you meet your ex whilst married, especially if you did not have the time to resolve your feelings and put closure to that relationship before you started a new relationship. In fact, I know some Christians who have broken up with spouses and reunited with exs after marrying.
Clarifying your feelings will make it easier for you to manage your emotions when you meet your ex so that you can stay committed to your spouse.
- What should I tell my partner about my past relationships? Is there anything I should hold back?
- Can I honestly tell myself that I have no feelings for my ex?
- How should I behave when I meet my ex whilst I am with my partner? Should I be friendly? Should I act indifferently?
- What will I do if he or she befriends my spouse? How should I react? Should I try to put distance between them? Am I strong enough to resist any urge to rekindle the feelings I had for him/her?
- What lessons did I learn from my past relationships? How has it impacted on making me? What bad influences from the past relationship should I fight? What good experiences must I bring to bear on this relationship to make it great?
- What will I do so that I will not judge my spouse based on how my exs treated me, when my present lover does things that do not make me enjoy the relationship?
Ask Questions to Model Your Marriage After the Model Marriage
Modeling My Marriage After The Ideal Christian Marriage
Ephesians 5 : 21—32 in the Bible gives the ideal model of how a Christian marriage should be built and you must model your marriage after that model if you want to please your LORD. That model should make you ask certain pertinent questions.
- Am I willing to create a marriage that will honor Jesus?
- If you are a woman, you may ask yourself, “As the church (Jesus’ bride) is subject to Jesus, will I be willing to subject myself to my husband and see him as my lord just as Christ is LORD of the church?
- Will I respect my husband as the lord of the house even when he does things that do not show that he is the head of the family?”
- If you are a man, you may ask yourself this question, “Will I love my wife with my body, soul, and spirit just as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her? Will I do my best to behave as the lord of the family and fulfill the responsibilities that go with that position? Am I prepared to subject myself to my wife and make great sacrifices to help establish this marriage just as Jesus sacrificed his life to establish the church?”
- Will I love my spouse as much as I love myself or even more than I love myself?
Ask Whether You Will Remain Faithful
Dealing With Temptations To Commit Adultery
In Matthew 18:7 Jesus said, “Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come…” In other words, temptation has a purpose.
In fact the original Greek word peirazein which was translated as temptation actually means to test. God allows us to be tested so that we can prove that we will be faithful to Him under any circumstances. So temptation is not designed to make us fall; it is designed to make us stronger and better men and women.
However, some married Christians do not see temptation as an opportunity to show God that they love Him more than fulfilling their fleshly desires and so give in easily when temptation comes their way.
If you view the temptations that come your way as chance to show your loyalty to the LORD, you will find it easier to resist temptations to have an affair so that you can continue to have a strong and stable marriage.
And asking yourself the questions below will help you to develop a detailed strategy to help you handle temptation when you meet a man or a woman who shows interest in you after you marry.
- What kind of friends will I choose after I get married? In which society will I move?
- What are my weak points with regards to members of the opposite sex? How will I manage myself when I meet a member of the opposite sex who appeals to my weak points?
- When I am tempted to commit adultery, will I remind myself that Jesus is watching me and He will be disappointed if I fail? Will I choose to maintain my self-dignity above enjoying illicit pleasure for a few seconds?
- What do I do when I see that I am developing feelings for another person after I marry? Should I keep it to myself and try to deal with it alone? Should I inform our pastor? Should I inform my partner and ask him to help me deal with the weakness?
- What can I do to avoid becoming overconfident and avoid developing close relationships with members of the opposite sex when our marriage is strong since the Bible says he who thinks that he is standing should be careful lest he fall?
- Will I be courageous enough to choose to do the right thing when I am alone in the office with a guy who is attracted to me? If I don’t think I am that strong, how can I let my partner help me to develop and strengthen my defenses against temptations?
Some premarital Christian counseling questions you can ask yourself are questions to see whether you are emotionally secure, as well as questions to help you know if you are over your ex, whether you will strive to create an ideal Christian marriage, and how you will deal with temptations.
̽ All Bible verses were taken from the Revised Standard Version.
Premarital Christian Counseling Questions
© 2018 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio
Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio (author) from Ghana on July 12, 2018:
Thanks for your compliment.
Mary Norton from Ontario, Canada on July 08, 2018:
These are good questions to put forward even when you are already married. You always need to work on your marriage to make it a happy one. Ask the question but more importantly, listen.