Why Does He Keep Cheating on Me?
Is it because you’re unattractive? You’re overweight? Underweight? You’re not kinky enough in bed? You’re boring in bed? You fuss too much? You complain too much? Find comfort in knowing that it’s not your fault why your significant other keeps cheating. Even if you beautified yourself more, lost weight, gained weight, became a lioness in the bedroom, stopped fussing so much—if he is wired to cheat and lacks self-control, he’s going to continue the behavior anyway. It’s not you. It’s him. Even if you’re putting the gun in his hand (so to speak), it’s his decision to pull the trigger.
“A man will be a man.” “All men are dogs.” “Men don’t need a reason to cheat; all they need is an opportunity.”
There are numerous sayings out there to explain why many men find it so difficult to be faithful to just one woman. If you have found yourself in the situation where your significant other has cheated on you, we as women often make the mistake of asking this question: “What am I doing wrong?” The truth of the matter is that a man holds complete responsibility for his decision to step outside of the relationship. However, some interesting findings about the male brain and his sexuality might shed some light as to why your husband or boyfriend seems to be a sex addict who just can’t help himself.
Physiological Influences on Infidelity
1. Testosterone Levels: Men who have high levels of testosterone have higher sex drives. The amount of testosterone a man has is bestowed upon him by nature when he’s nothing more than a cell in his mother’s womb. Studies have shown that men with lower T-levels make better husbands and are less likely to commit an act of infidelity. According to the Men’s Health magazine, “A study of more than 4,000 men found that men with high testosterone levels were 43 percent more likely to get divorced and 38 percent more likely to have extramarital affairs than men with less of the hormone” (Amen, 2010).
2. Size of the Prize: A man’s predisposed level of testosterone is directly correlated to the size of his penis. Men with higher levels have longer penises. Men with lower levels have shorter penises. A glance in your man’s pants can help you guesstimate his level of T.
3.Hypothalamus: This is the part of the brain that’s interested in sex. Look at the picture below and compare the male’s hypothalamus to the female’s. This is why he’s always ready to “make whoopee” and seems to have it on his mind all the time. It’s part of his nature.
4. Visual stimulation: Men are more visually stimulated than females. This is why he loves for you to send him nude pictures, loves to make love with the lights on or while looking in a mirror, loves to see you dressed in something naughty. This is also why he steals many glances at attractive women who pass his way. He’s wired to look. So don’t get mad if you catch him looking, just give him the 5-Second-No-Comment Rule: he can look for five seconds and then he must look away without making any spoken comment, such as, “Now, that’s what I call a booty.”
5. Age Does Matter: The prefrontal cortex is a part of the brain that helps us with good judgment calls. This part of the male’s brain is not fully developed until age 25. That’s why men under the age of 25 make many bad judgment calls. Think about it: you have gallons of testosterone gushing through you, you think about sex all the time, and your brain isn’t developed enough to make the best judgment call. Men under age 25 are like a recipe for disaster. (What’s the excuse for those over 25 who make very bad judgment calls? Well, that’s a man for you.)
6. He’s Heavily Drugged: At the moment when the man has spotted a willing prey who is very visually attractive and his blood gets to flowing, other things get to flowing as well, such as dopamine (linked to the sex drive) and PEA (phenylethylamine), a natural chemical compound that is associated with psychoactive drugs, like cocaine and ecstasy. This is why it’s so darn difficult for him to control himself! His body is literally working against him.
This is Not a Free-Pass to Cheat
While this hub explains the reasons why a male’s body works against him when it comes to remaining faithful, this is by no means written to excuse the behavior. Cheating is an intolerable act, one that is very hurtful and can cause irreversible damage to a marriage, relationship, household, etc. Just imagine…what if his bad behavior brings home a disease to you or brings about new life growing in the womb of another woman?
What do YOU think?
What to Do if You Suspect Him of Cheating
- Confront him. If he lies about it (which he most likely will), present proof. If he still lies about it in the light of the proof and refuses to acknowledge that he’s been caught, then you must make a decision. Are you going to stay with a liar/cheater, are you going to remove yourself from the situation, or are you going to do nothing?
- A remorseful cheater. If he’s willing to admit that he’s been caught and he’s remorseful for his behavior, come up with a plan to eliminate the behavior and begin the journey of rebuilding trust in the relationship. Counseling is always a good idea because it might unearth the root of the problem in your marriage/relationship.
- Repeat offender. If this isn’t the first, second, or third time you’ve caught him, chances are he’s a habitual offender who completely lacks self-control and is nowhere near ready to be in a committed relationship. Sometimes, a man really needs to “get it all out of his system” before he can be faithful to you. For your sanity, let it go.
- Recognize your worth. Sometimes, we “own” a man’s cheating when it’s not our problem to own. Whether we admit it or not, we blame ourselves for the cheating. We search our brains for things we could have done better to keep him from cheating. This leads to insecurities and low self-esteem. Why feel bad about yourself because your man can’t control himself? You can’t make a man be faithful to you. Either he will or he won’t, but it's his decision—not yours.
- Own your own wrongs. Be realistic here. You can’t go a whole year withholding the “cookie” from a man and then get mad when he sleeps with someone who is willing to give it up. You can’t make sex with your man seem like such a burdensome chore and then get mad when he sleeps with someone who gets excited about making love to your man. You can’t walk around with your head looking like a bird’s nest and wearing big, oversized drab clothing and then get mad when your man eyes down a woman who looks like she could be on the front cover of Sports Illustrated. Do what you can to keep your husband from cheating and if he stray, you’ll find peace in knowing that you did your part.
Points to Remember
the higher his levels, the more wired he is to cheat, the lower his levels, the more wired he is to be a faithful family man
find a man with low T-levels
the length of your man's penis can help determine the level of his testosterone
seek out those who wield smaller (or average) penises
a man's hypothalamus (area of the brain that deals with sex) is more than 2x the size of a female's
be understanding of why he always have sex on his mind
men are more visually stimulated than women
let him look, remind him not to gawk
Age (Prefrontal Cortex)
a man's PFC (which deals with judgment) isn't fully developed until 25
marry AFTER the age 25
Drugged by His Body
when filled with lust, dopamine & PEA are released in high dosages which further impair judgment
remind him to avoid unsavory situations
A man is wired by nature to seek, conquer and devour women. His hypothalamus, testosterone levels, and eyeballs can get him into a world of trouble. Despite the odds that nature has set against him, cheating is still a choice. When presented with the opportunity to cheat, men shouldn’t think: “Is it worth it?” because while caught up in the moment and heavily drugged with dopamine and phenylethylamine, he will deceive himself into thinking, “Yes, it’s worth it.”
Instead, men should keep their goal in mind—to have a happy wife/girlfriend and a relationship of longevity. And men should try harder to avoid boxing themselves into situations that have the ability to go left field. For example, if a flirtatious woman who you’re highly attracted to finds herself stranded and needs a ride home, don’t put yourself in such closed in proximity by offering her a ride in your whip. Instead, call around to find her a ride or pay for her a taxi. And then remember that no matter how green the grass may look on the other side, every patch of grass has to endure winter.
Share YOUR Opinion
© 2014 Jessica B Smith
alev yanar from ?stanbul on May 18, 2019:
Resmen benim ruh halimi kelimelere dökmüşsünüz daha fazla eleştirel olun bence
Kotta Lynn on May 07, 2018:
I am 18 and I am married to a 31 year old we have a little boy that is now 1. And I am lost he keeps cheating and I have tried everything I left for weeks with out writing him and he swore he changed I kept coming back but he keeps on doing these things to me . I have been trying to stay strong and I know him cheating has nothing to do with me I just cant seem to leave I always come straight back to him people say I'm weak but I love him I do but I cant get him to stop cheating he was loyal for about 2 years then a couple months after I had my son he started and cant seem to stop
Mystee Crockett from Everywhere You Want To Be on October 03, 2017:
Interesting article. When men cheat, I don't think they are giving much thought to things their partner does wrong. I think they are caught up in feeling good.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on November 02, 2016:
Thanks for your input and I couldn't agree with you more! I like the first two you pointed out: moral deficiency and addictions, especially pornography. These "spell caster" posts are ridiculous. I try to keep them deleted, but they are relentless with their posts, whoever they might be....smh
Cynthia Zirkwitz from Vancouver Island, Canada on March 27, 2016:
Whoa! This was an interesting article , and although it am sure there is a physiological influence to compulsive philandering, I'm quite convinced that other factors mentioned above-- moral deficiency, other addictions (including alcohol, pornography, other drugs), poor impulse control, narcissism, etc.-- are likely as prominent in suggesting reasons for men cheating as the theories you suggest.
I'm surprised to read all the spam about spell casters in the nether regions of this article.
Teeweesa on January 11, 2015:
I was in a committed relationship up until 2 days ago for 6mths. Me and my boy friend were arguing a lot and weren't intimate for 1 mth. I feel he has a lot of growing pains and doesn't know how yo handle the issues in his life.
2 days ago i look through his phone to come across a text conversation with some girl. "I want to quench this hunger i have for you" and things like "i want to drink you dry" i also saw that they spoke about meeting up for coffee after those words were exchanged. I was furious i confronted him and he admitted to it. I threw the phone at him and told him to get the f* out of my house. He wants to work things through but i also found that his ex fiancé posted a picture of him in a day club it seemed like he was kissing her neck. saying that she was going to marry him and he was the one to tell her every night that he loved her and how she was the idiot who gave him a second chance. I am all types of emotions and i just need some advice...thank you
Digger on January 04, 2015:
I was struck by the hosenty of your posting
Kenneth Avery from Hamilton, Alabama on January 03, 2015:
Great work. I admire your writing talent.
Happy New Year.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on January 03, 2015:
@Gina, glad to be of assistance ;)
Gina on January 03, 2015:
I don't know who you wrote this for but you helped a brohter out.
LPerry60 from East Coast United States on December 09, 2014:
I consider cheating the unpardonable sin. Never would that man be the same in my eyes. I would have to bleach him, disinfect him, have him dipped and see a full printout from the health department every 30 days stating he was free of sexually transmitted diseases if he wanted to sit next to me.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on September 28, 2014:
Thanks for posting about your experience with hormone replacements. It's also interesting to see how much of an impact our hormones can have on our lives, and it's interesting to note the fact that women have testosterone too.
Vicki on September 03, 2014:
Yes, testosterone acts the same with women. I'm post-menopausal. One of my symptoms was a total lack of libido, and I mean total, which played havoc with my marriage. I have just started bio-identical hormone treatment. One of the things being replaced is testosterone (which is normal for women to have in smaller amounts than men). A blood test will reveal your hormone levels and if any replacement is needed. My doctor also required that I have a mammogram, a Pap test, and an ultrasound. All the tests are to determine if I'm "safe" for this type of therapy. Estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. Progesterone is used to keep any spotting or period-like bleeding that could be caused by the higher estrogen levels. This information is from my gynecologist. I'm not a doctor, but thought I would relay my experience due to the question above. It's only been a week so far, so I can't say yay or nay on the results. If you think you might need replacement therapy, see a doctor who specializes in such therapy.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on August 27, 2014:
@erorantes, thanks for your comment! You make a lot of valid points here. I think the key thing to remember is to not settle for anything. The truth is, men cheat because they can. The woman allows it. Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do, but if a person is constantly disrespecting you and ignoring your worth, you deserve better. Staying is settling. And sometimes, you might need to leave the relationship for a season, to give the man time to become more self-disciplined.
Ana Maria Orantes from Miami Florida on August 25, 2014:
I like your hub Jessicabsmith. It is not easy to find the rigth person for a serious relationship. Some people like not being serious. Those are the one that they like to cheat. Finding the right parthner, it takes a lot of work. You are correct about having extra or no extra that the other person likes. Makes one person go find it some were else. Thank you for your smart writing about cheating.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on August 10, 2014:
Albert, you definitely have an interesting perspective on "cheating." You say cheating is "going outside the rules to gain unfair advantage over the competition." So you're saying that if a person steps outside of the relationship, they're not "cheating" because even though they're "going outside of the rules" of the relationship, they're not doing this to "gain unfair advantage over the competition."
So, maybe instead of calling it "cheating," we should just label it as being "unfaithful"? How would changing what we call it change how we perceive it and how much emotional damage it can leave in its wake?
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on August 10, 2014:
You make some good points! I'm not sure if women with higher levels of testosterone have these types of enhanced urges/desires, but that is definitely an interesting angle to research.
If women would allow their man to express themselves about their attraction to other women, it could possibly help to decrease the likelihood of a man cheating, but I don't think there would be a strong correlation to this. Kind of like a few of the other commenters have pointed out, if a man is going to cheat, he's going to cheat, whether he's expressing that attraction or not. I do think that women shouldn't be so hard on a man when/if he admits that he finds another woman attractive because you can't help who you are attracted to, you can only help whether or not you act on the attraction. Thanks for commenting.
Albert on August 06, 2014:
Cheating is something you do in an adversarial contest, going outside the rules to gain unfair advantage over the competition...I thought a relationship was co-op?
If it is adversarial instead, what is the nature of the struggle, the male trying to get as much sex for as little social and economic consideration as possible while the female does the opposite? That sort of sounds like institutionalized, formalized, and white washed prostitution...
Meaning then that either cheating is a bogus concept or we're all prostitutes and sex is naturally a commodity while our hang-ups about it are illusions, shallow, artificial social constructs.
Carrie Lee Night from Northeast United States on July 24, 2014:
Interesting hub :). I wonder if a woman who has more testosterone has the same urges and thinks about sex all the time. Voted up and useful. Communication helps prevent cheating and allowing a man openly admit he is attracted to other women and have dreams about other women without overreacting :). Thank you for sharing
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on July 11, 2014:
My condolences goes out to you for your situation because I know how devastating it feels to be betrayed. I can imagine the pain you felt when you found out about all the calls, texts, and pictures between your husband and his mistress. This hub deals with the physiological reasons why men cheat, but in your case, I think it's less physiological and more psychological.
You want to know the reason why he did what he did. I'm sure many people would wonder why. According to you, this woman is overweight, disabled, wearing a colostomy bag, etc. Obviously, it's not the physical characteristics that keep drawing him to her. In situations like these, I feel that the man constantly returns to a certain woman simply because he can. She allows it. She is his escape from his responsibilities with you. She doesn't require ANYTHING from him but for him to fit her into his schedule whenever he can. She allowed him to use her as a mistress in his first marriage, and now she's allowing him to use her as his mistress in his second marriage. Why does he keep returning to her? Because he can.
But take your focus off of her for a minute and look at your husband. She didn't force him to do anything that he's done. He made a conscious decision to reach out to her time and time again. He reached out to her because he wanted to reach out to her. Like many individuals, your husband wants to "have his cake and eat it too."
I don't think his intentions were ever to hurt you. I don't think he snuck around with her smiling and thinking, "Wow, if Cherry finds out, this is going to hurt her soooooo bad!" His own selfish desires and dissatisfaction with your relationship is what led him into the neighbor's arms. So the questions really are: What are you going to do now? Do you still want to remain married? Do you want to try to move past this and heal from the infidelity? Or are you finished? And also keep in mind that it's okay to not know. It's perfectly fine to say, "Right now, I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm floored. And I really don't know what I want to do."
Cherry on July 08, 2014:
This is MY story… My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Lots of satisfying sex. Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She’d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around they were both in their teens, but he’d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her…only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50′s and had a previous back injury, I didn’t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother’s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 1997 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the “We’re just friends” line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn’t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him, but he says he’s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, today, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affair, she said “NO”, which pissed him off and made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit! He says he can’t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it. Yes, he started the whole thing. He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he’d ever mess around on me with…they ALL say her! What does this mean? He’s free to go, but he says he doesn’t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, “Good morning Sweetheart” and every night, “Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams”. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. I think she meant something to him and still does! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! Why would a happily (he was!) married man let his past bring him down? Why would he cheat on most all his relationships with the SAME woman throughout his entire life? Why?
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on June 25, 2014:
KonshesGirl, so glad to finally read a woman's opinion on this hub! I'm glad that you point out the word “keeps,” which is the key word here. The truth of the matter is that if a man is a continuous cheater, he is not willing or he is not ready to be in a committed relationship. I agree with you that once the trust is gone, the core of the relationship is gone. But then you have to keep in mind that anything that can be broken (trust), it can also be rebuilt. However, rebuilding trust is a process that many couples never successfully complete, either because the cheater has yet to prove him/herself trustworthy or the person who was cheated on can never truly forgive the cheater for his/her wrongs. Thanks for commenting on this post.
Kristen from Nassau on June 24, 2014:
Hmm. Why your man "keeps" cheating on you is pretty scary. I say, the first time he does it, dump him. No woman should ever give a man another chance to break her heart and even if she does allow him in again, the trust is gone. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is over. I mean, if you stay you will be checking his email, asking him "who texted US babe?", following him in all black in an unmarked vehicle....it's way too stressful. There are plenty of wonderful men out there and if you love yourself enough, a man will only cheat on you once....he'll never get the chance to do it again. JMHO
William Robb from Walsall on May 25, 2014:
Always nice to be told your interesting :) your hub is well written im still trying to decide what to write about.
I know for a fact women don't much care about size my last gf couldn't take me without pain eventually the relationship ended no fault on either side we were just not matched.
Men worry about their size and never seem to consider the womans size i don't know if that's a good thing or not though.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on May 25, 2014:
@ William Robb, Thank you for your comment on this hub. You make a very interesting point, that some of the findings that this hub present are not true in your case and that the findings are not necessarily accurate because men lie. I believe there are many others who will feel the same way that you do because we are all different and our brains are wired differently too. As some of the other hubbers have pointed out, there are many factors to work into the equation, such as the values instilled in a man while he was raised, life situations/circumstances that he has endured, the various aspects of his current relationship as well as past relationships.
Yes, men (and women) are not always truthful on surveys, but there are some studies done where the participant might lie, but the facts don't. Check out this article, for example: http://www.apa.org/monitor/apr03/arousal.aspx
I also like how you point out the fact that "once a cheater always a cheater" stems from the fact that once you do wrong, it's highly likely that you'll do wrong again, which leads back to what seems to be a consensual statement among us hubbers: cheating is a choice. You either choose to be faithful, or you choose to be unfaithful. And if you cheat once, you either choose to stop cheating or you choose to continue the behavior.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on May 25, 2014:
@Jason R. Manning, thanks for your response to this hub. I'll let you in on a little secret about us ladies: *whispering* not all ladies like a man with a cucumber on steroids for a penis--mind you, I'm not speaking for all women, but I'm speaking for many of us. That being said, we'd have no problem settling down with an average (or below average) guy. It's true what they say, "It's not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean." So just because a guy has low testosterone and/or a penis on the shorter side of things, doesn't necessarily mean he's boring.
I like that you point out that it's the family values that matter. Nature could set you up for monogamy-disaster, but nurture can help guide you through these physiological responses so that you won't hurt yourself or your significant other in the process. And I love that you post that a man can be in a marriage and "have it all" with his wife without the pressing need to dally in other things, even after 15 years of marriage. That's awesome! Again, thanks for the post.
Jason R. Manning from Sacramento, California on May 25, 2014:
Very interesting hub and certainly a great way to start a community conversation. I wouldn’t even know where to begin, I suppose I would say I have heard of all of the science implications you mention with the exception of the high testosterone equates to bigger package study…really, that would implicate all big fellas and basically say average fellas are boring and stable (not exactly a ringing endorsement for ladies). I am 35 and there are days where I cannot think straight because the urge can be so strong, thankfully, as I am coming upon my 15 year of marriage, my wife is happy to get all of my attention.
As a couple other hubbers mentioned, it’s the family values that matter. Cheaters grew up with excuses or poor mentorship (or both). The low lives who are habitual cheaters no doubt have several other serious personal issues besides cheating. One has to make a contentious choice to betray the trust and faith of their mate. I do appreciate you bringing up the fact that spouses do change and their attitudes and needs change. I would also strongly agree with the “have your cake and eat it too” mentality, however, in a special marriage with great communication and healthy attributes, it is possible to have it all and never need to leave home for a milk run…
Great hub, cheers!
Kenneth Avery from Hamilton, Alabama on May 24, 2014:
You keep up the great work, girl. And champion your topics with a vengeance.
THANK YOU for your following. I mean that. I will be sending out some personalized thank you emails in the days ahead and you are on the list.
William Robb from Walsall on May 24, 2014:
As a man ive a few problems with the pre-programmed excuse and the men constantly think about sex nonsense.
Im considerably more than average but never felt the urge to cheat.
Ive gone days without thinking of sex even once.
These studies are never thorough because men lie about 'accomplishments'.
As for the letting yourself go and withholding sex that's no excuse talk about it if they don't change end the relationship.
Fact is if he cheats he wasn't brought up well enough and dosent respect women, id never cheat tho ive had one woman cheat on me i ended it there and then no second chances.
Once a cheater always a cheater is not a case of an addiction its that the cheater has proven his/her moral fibre so if they did once they are likely to do again just as any wrong doing leads to more wrong doing.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on May 24, 2014:
@HenryQuiles, what you write is so true. At the end of the day, despite the physiological influences of one's body or the unhappiness involved in a relationship, if someone steps outside of the relationship, it's because they CHOSE to do it. @Kenneth Avery, thanks for the compliments. I will definitely follow you and check out some of your hubs. @Dashingscorpio, interesting point you make and I concur! A cheater can be rehabilitated. I do believe that for some individuals, it's harder to remain faithful simply because of their natural impulses (high T-levels, high sex drive, etc.). But at the same time, if they apply enough willpower and self-control, they can definitely stop their cheating ways. Thanks for all the commentary!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 23, 2014:
One other quick note about cheating. The old adage of "One a cheater always a cheater" is nothing more than a statement a person says to (protect) themselves.
As you point out it does make a difference as to how long ago it was, what were the circumstances, what they learned, and how they now feel about it. If you're a 30 year old woman and learned your man cheated on a girl when he was 19 or 20 that's probably too long ago to be holding that against him.
Lastly if there are people who are "ex smokers", "ex drinkers", or "ex drug users" it makes no logical sense to believe a person can stop doing those things but when it comes to (cheating) once they've done it they're "hooked for life"!
A person can (choose) never to cheat again. Having said that it always important to allow people to (earn) your trust rather than to give it away.
Kenneth Avery from Hamilton, Alabama on May 23, 2014:
Nice. Well-written. Unbiased. To the point. Voted up and away. Keep it up.
I cordially invite you to check my hubs and then be one of my followers.
I would love that.
Kenneth, from northwest Alabama
Henry Quiles from Reading, PA on May 23, 2014:
cheating is a choice. If you cheated, you made a conscious decision to commit adultery. no second chances from me. There are many wonderful people who are worthy of my time, love, and affection.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on May 22, 2014:
Dashingscorpio...thank you for enhancing this hub with your thoughts and shining insight from a male's perspective. One thing that I really like in your response is the statement: "The typical cheater is not looking to go through a messy breakup or divorce. He/she has no desire to replace one relationship with another one. They want to 'have it all.'"
I'm so glad that you point this out because I completely agree with you. Where I'm from in the South, we have a saying that people who behave like this wants to "have their cake and eat it too." You can't have the best of both worlds. You can't be a married man who still enjoys all the benefits of being a bachelor.
To add to what you've already written, one thing I have noticed about cheaters (both men and women) is that the person they are in a relationship with represents the responsibility and the person whom they are having an affair with (be it a real person or a computer screen), represents the fantasy. Whoever they are having an affair with becomes their escape from the real world of responsibility, so they literally become addicted to an illusion.
Thank you for posting your thoughts!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 22, 2014:
As a man I can tell you that I have known women who cheated and there is no real difference in the reason why they cheat compared to men.
Anyone who has ever watched an episode of "Cheaters" or "The Maury Povich Show" AKA "You are NOT the father!" is fully aware that neither gender is standing on "holy ground" when it comes to cheating.
Monogamy is a (lifestyle choice) and not a DNA code.
If a man is "into" a woman he will treat her one way and if he's not he'll treat her a different way. Having said that assume a man is married and his wife rarely wants to have sex or does not give him the (kind of sex) he wants. Odds are he is NOT going to run down to the courthouse to file for a divorce, move out the house, pay child support and possibly alimony, and become a weekend dad!
This is also true of men who find themselves no longer attracted to their wives whether it's because her physical appearance has changed or her attitude towards him has changed. According to statistics (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces in the U.S.
One of the main reasons why men are reluctant to get married is not because they "have a fear of commitment" but rather they have a fear of divorce! The goal of most cheaters is to (hold onto) all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.
The typical cheater is not looking to go through a messy breakup or divorce. He/she has no desire to (replace one relationship with another one). They want to "have it all" and in order to do so they attempt to combine the attributes of multiple people for their own happiness.
Most unhappily married men would rather (risk) their marriage by cheating to have it all, than to go through a divorce. In fact most cheaters are banking on not getting caught!
The typical male in his 20s is NOT looking to become his parents! In his eyes marriage, children, and a 30 year mortgage is like watching his life flash before his eyes! Most young men want to "play the field" before settling down. A woman in her 20s who wants to get married to a man who (less) likely to cheat should do so with a guy in his 30s whose never been married and has established his career path.
Having said that there are some obvious things women should make note of when dating men. If he's the type that has to be the center of attention, gets bored easily, tends to flirt a lot or uses sexual innuendo often with strangers, and always seems to have a crowd around him laughing and enjoying his company....etc Odds are no (one woman) is going to be able to fill that void. In fact the more good looking, rich, famous, and powerful he is the more (women will be throwing themselves) at him always saying "yes" to anything his wife or girlfriend would say "no" to. One of the reasons (some) men are drawn to porn and strip clubs is because these women make men feel sexually desirable!
Women are used to being hit on but men who are hit on get turned on. Their wives and girlfriends don't tease or act like they "crave" them.
It's the guys women put in the "friend zone" because they consider them to be "too nice" are the guys who would treat them like a queen and are least likely to cheat on them! They are an open book, trustworthy, reliable, and dependable. A woman does not have "earn" their love and attention. These guys are ready to shower it upon them. However most women see them as being "boring" because they're not a "challenge.