Skip to main content

5 Steps to Apology: How to Ask for Forgiveness?

Engelta loves to talk and study in depth the self-esteem issues, as well as how to improve and cherish relationships.


How to approach an issue in your relationship?

We face different problems every day, no matter how much may we try to not get into the conflict, or find a solution to it as fast as we can so we will be able to move on and live your lives in peace with the others and ourselves. Sometimes, it is not that easy to make a problem vanish, sometimes people do choke on the wound, maybe because they have not grown up enough to realize that it is best to let go. Other times the problem is us, our own mind.

The first thing to do when trying to make a choice, it is to ask yourself how are you creating the problem. What could you do differently, to come up with a better result? Have you ever thought this way? Have you ever thought why that particular problem was so inevitable in your life, and why it happened exactly at that moment? How did it all come up with this?

When you try to find the answers to this particularly disturbing question, you have to, at least, be true to yourself. You are speaking to your subconscious and there is no place for lies or shame or sorry feelings. It is important to find exactly how you feel about this problem, and exactly how you feel about the choices you made that led to that.

Somehow, you have to come to the terms with yourself when you accept that the feelings you feel, and the thoughts you think, they all somehow transmit to the other person, and eventually you attract the kind of persons that deep down feel the same way you do. The worst of it all is that they will treat you the same way you feel about yourself, and you treat yourself. You may allow your mind to think all the ugly thoughts, but you would never allow another person to treat you that way, would you? So, I am saying, that maybe you created the problem because deep down you needed that kind of drama, or you were exhausted by the way other persons behaved towards you, and your subconscious was trying to find a way out of this dark circle, a way to breathe life again. An unloved part of ourselves, lives in the other person, and that brings power struggles.

To Forgive, To Forget

“To forgive and forget”, is a quote that we have heard a lot this day, in order to make ourselves move on.

We have all been in that place when we did some other people wrong, and we knew it was wrong, oh so wrong, but we were too ashamed of ourselves, too proud, or we just did not know how to correct the terrible mistake.

He or She might be everyone, from your parents, your siblings, your teacher, your best friend, your pen friend, everyone. Sometimes it hurts to think that they could understand you, why you did what you did, and then everything would be ok. Because they are the ones you open up to, they are the ones who always seem to be there for you, who know the real you, and they also are the ones who do no know how would you react? And they are the ones that now are not forgiving you!

If they love you, they will forgive you, but you need to understand that they are also hurt, it is not easy even for them. So, to make it easier for them to forgive you, or to make them understand that you care, you have to ask for forgiveness.

That person may even be someone you do not care for at all, but also in this case, you have to ask for forgiveness. Holding grudges do not lead to anything good at all, but in fact may ruin your other relationships, or create a bad opinion with others, and no one will befriend you then.


Analyse the Situation and the Conflict

In this Hub I am telling you the ways you can come through this, and be able to ask for forgiveness.

Bring the memories on, and rearrange them. Watch the movie from the very beginning.

Try not to think that you are right (even though you may be), consider yourself as you are wrong. Try to wear the other person’s shoes. What does he/she think, why did he/she say that?

Consider what else could you have
said, how could you correct the mistake at that moment?

Ways to rethink the situation:

  1. -What happened,
  2. -How did it happen,
  3. -Any outside factor that affected the situation,
  4. -What was your reaction,
  5. -How did the other person behave, and
  6. -What could possibly have gone wrong,
  7. -Is there someone else involved in this story?

When you find your answers, you should not be afraid to confront yourself, or the people that cause the problem. If you do not stand up for yourself, who would? How else would you show your personality?

Scroll to Continue

Deliver a heartfelt apology

Now, that you got this, I will teach you how to approach the person, and say that you are sorry.

1. If you are not talking to that person in this very moment, because of the fight you had, try calling him/her, or if he/she does not pick up, try to text him/her.

2. The most important thing to bear in mind: you are not having this conversation on the phone [except if he/she is pretty sure he/she doesn't want to see you]! You will call him/her or text him/her, to make an appointment.

3. The moment you are face to face with the one that you are holding grudges with, begin the conversation by explaining the situation from your point of view, try to explain your actions, and the reasons behind them. End it by mentioning you understand your responsibilities, and you are very sorry, because you don’t want to ruin your great relationship.

4. If you can’t even explain yourself, or feel embarrassed to do so, or if you don’t know how to bring up the conversation, a sincere “I am sorry” will be enough.

5. The worst case scenario, when he/she does not accept your apology: try it once more, a few days later, and if he/she does not change his/her mind, then it was not meant to be, your friend was not a real one, because a real friend, at first place, would never even stand a day without talking to you

Evaluate your relationship

Asking forgiveness is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about finding out who is the strongest one, the most stubborn one, or the most intelligent one, or even the perfect one (!)

It is about finding out that the relationship you have with that person is more important that the issue. If you can’t see yourself apologising, try writing a letter, because we know- a letter does not blush.


How to write an Apology letter?

I will give you an example, of a piece I wrote myself when I was apologising to someone:


I am not writing this letter to blame me or you, I am not writing this letter to find who's fault is it.

I am writing this letter to show you how much I appreciate our relationship, and to say I am truly sorry for everything that happened, the way things turned out. I am sorry for hurting you, and I did not realize this at the time.

___________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________

Go on and fill it with your heartfelt apology, I hope I helped a little with the beginning.

What to include in your apology?What shouldn't be in your apology?

How much you value your relationship

Your relationship is like a glass, once broken, can't be fixed

Why you appreciate the person

What you hate in the other person

Why are you apologizing

Who is the guilty one

What do you want from now on

What you don't want (refrain from negative affirmations)

You may include inside jokes

Careful not to make inside jokes that can be taken as offensive at that moment

Apologizing is difficult, and it gets more difficult when you are too proud, or too shy, to even think about that. I, myself, have not mastered the art yet, and I have been too proud or too shy, so many times, until I realized that that way I would not be able to save my relationships, and people would begin to distance from me, because let's face it: No one likes or loves a person who is too proud to see beyond himself. You know, you have to think about other people too, you are not the only one with broken feelings.

© 2022 Ensorcelie

Related Articles