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5 Ways to Stop Being a Clingy Girlfriend, so your Boyfriend Won't DUMP YOU!


This is a funny movie about a nerdy girl (Sandra Bullock) who makes crossword puzzles for a living and falls HARD for a guy named Steve (Bradley Patterson)


As much as you like someone, you can not own them!

Being super clingy means you need to work on your self confidence. You are getting all your self worth through another person, or through being part of a couple, and....


It's not good if you eventually break up - because where does that leave you then? Existing as half a person? Or doomed to obsessively stalk your ex's Facebook forever?

Being too clingy is also not good if you stay together, because you will slowly be driving your signifigant other away - while eroding your relationship with your constant jealousy and demands.

Back when I was dating, I made a terrible mistake. I SMOTHERED somebody. Well, not literally. But definitely figuratively.


You see, I liked this guy SO MUCH, that I became obsessed with him. My obsession led to clinginess - which then led to the destruction of our relationship.

There have been many movies made on this subject (like that movie with Sandra Bullock and Bradley Cooper called" All About Steve"....did you ever see that? A funny movie - but it would just be pathetic if it was real life). I always find these movies interesting, for some reason....and wonder how women can "act like that," even though I was one of them.

Back to my clingy dating days and that guy I was obsessed with. We'll call him Steve. Well, actually (ironically) that was his name. I thought about Steve constantly. I called him constantly -yes, even at work - even after he told me his boss was getting annoyed. I didn't care.

I texted him non-stop. And if he didn't text back within five minutes, I started to panic. This was back in the pre-Facebook days, so I e-mailed and Myspaced him all the time, also. Oh...and I also sent him bad pictures on my Sprint flip phone. Constantly.

In addition, I would mindlessly barge in on him at all hours. Once I think he was hiding in his house, pretended he wasn't home. Then, suddenly, he stopped answering his phone calls and wouldn't text me back. (What a surprise!). Or if he did text back, it was twelve hours later, and just a few words.

The e-mails from him eventually stopped. He abandoned his Myspace account. He told me he was "really busy" at work. I wanted to believe him. But something told me, like the name of that book and movie implies, he "just wasn't that into me," anymore.

Did that stop my excessive obsessively clingy behaviour?


If anything, the fear of losing him made me even MORE clingy and obsessive. And so the downward spiral began, until eventually, he told me we were through.

I was devastated. What did I do wrong? I kept texting, demanding to know. Eventually, he got a new phone, new number, different e-mail...

Well, it's quite apparent now, in retrospect, what I did wrong. I morphed into a Stage 5 Clinger, and then...practically a stalker.


Why does this happen to us women? We convince ourselves we're cool...we have self confidence and we believe in ourselves, right? We're strong and independent....we're not wimpy and clingy. Not us! Then we meet someone we really, really like - and we change.

It's like infatuation causes the chemicals in our brains to go haywire - and in some sense, this is true.

YOUR BRAIN ON LOVE (or what you think is love):

Scientists have discovered high levels of the chemical dopamine in the brains of new lovers (together for less than 6 months).

Dopamine is a chemical that triggers an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on your brain as cocain! Whew! No wonder it's so easy to get lost in a new relationship. It almost as if our brains are hard-wired to make this happen.

However, knowing this, you can tame the Cling Monster within, and reign in your obsessive girlfriend behaviour. Otherwise, you WILL drive that person you like away. You'll freak him out! You may even make him hate you. And you certainly don't want that, do you?

So why aren't guys more clingy? Why is it always the women who become obsessive? Is it because we're programed to seek out "relationships," whereas men are programmed to be more independent? Programmed by who or what? Society? Hormones? Well, that's a subject for a whole other article!

So, let's continue on with 5 WAYS NOT TO BE A CLINGY GIRLFRIEND:


Don't forget who you were BEFORE you met this person....and keep on being that woman you were - that's the one he fell in love with, right?

Don't just live for your relationship! Yes, it's hard to get HIM off your mind. But if that's ALL YOU BECOME - PART OF A RELATIONSHIP, guess what? You will become boring to everyone around you, even eventually (gasp!) HIM!

2). DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HOBBIES AND FRIENDS! So many women make this mistake. Suddenly after meeting "The One," there is no time to pursue photography, make dried flower arrangements, crochet beanie hats, play golf, or hang out with the girls. All of your spare moments and energy are devoted to HIM! You give up everything else in your life that gave you a sense of accomplishment and fun.

The more you give up of yourself and your identity, the more you will believe you need to be WITH THIS PERSON in order to feel whole. Because you will no longer feel whole by yourself, and you will no longer enjoy your time alone - or with your friends - or anyone or anything that is not HIM!

You don't want to give another person THAT MUCH POWER over your self esteem, do you?

3). SPEND TIME AWAY FROM HIM. Yes, that old cliché - give him space! Everyone needs space. Space to do their own thing - hang out with different people. You need space, too. (Yes you do)!

Don't be all jealous and clingy acting when he announces he has plans to help his pal build a deck.

Don't say awful clingy girlfriend things like, "I bet there's going to be other girls there! You're not really working on a deck. I bet you're going to have a party without me!"

Or..."You're just hot for his sister, aren't you? That's really why you're going!"

Instead, summon up your cool independent self and exclaim, "That's really nice of you to help!"

Remember, you don't own him! You can't follow him around every single second to make sure he never talks to another women! Well, you could...but your relationship wouldn't last long. There must be trust in order for it to work.

Then, start mentally making plans in your head to hit the mall with your girlfriend. A little bit of absence really can make the heart grow fonder! Spending time apart will make him more excited about seeing you again. Just think about it: you'll have amusing anecdotes to tell each other. Plus, you will prove that you still have "your own life," which makes you seem much more appealing to him.

Remember: Nobody wants to feel smothered.

4). CUT OUT ALL THE NON-STOP TEXTING, E-MAILING, FACEBOOKING, ETC...You should have learned that this is bad from my story about Steve. All the excessive communication every single second (especially if he's at work) comes across as desperate and needy.


Keep him wanting more, that's what you should do! Do not bombard and freak him out. He will run for the hills, trust me. And he'll leave his cell phone and his laptop behind.

5).If you do not follow the above advice, and he does call it off, DO NOT EVER, EVER BECOME A STALKER! Whaaaat? Me, a stalker? you're thinking. And what probably comes to mind is a crazed woman from some Lifetime movie, hovering around her ex's house,weilding a kitchen knife....there are less dramatic (and violent!) levels of stalking, though.

For instance, constantly texting him,e-mailing him, or checking his Facebook status...or, stalking HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND'S FACEBOOK....sending him unwanted pictures of yourself (your thinking goes, "Oh, once he sees how CUTE/SEXY/HOT/FUN/PRETTY I look, he'll realize his mistake...NEVER WORKS!!!), or driving by his house because it's "on the way" to the store (even though you could have gone to a different store).

JUST STOP! This is all making you look bad - and probably will make him dislike you even more (or call the police)! Be cool. Admit your mistakes. Gather up your self esteem. Chalk it up to experience; a lesson learned. Move on.

Sure I blew it with Steve. But now I am happily married and very satisfied with my life. If I had acted that same clingy obsessive way with my now-husband...well, who knows? I might have blown it with him, too.


You may ask: But what if a guy makes you feel insecure, and that's why you cling more? Well guess what? He might be a player - or he might not be that into you to begin with...or (UH-OH) he might even be married!

Listen to your gut....it will tell you if he's worth your time or not. Then, be aware of signs that your are becoming overbearing: He's pulling away from you - he's cutting off communication - he's sighing and rolling his eyes - you get the picture.

Healthy relationships do not involved needy, clingy people. You want your relationship to work, right? Then don't forget about your most important relationship. No, not the one you have with HIM. The one you have with YOU!


james on July 30, 2014:

My long distance relationship is great I care about this person other than the excessive clinginess. It's amazing how many things I could relate to with her in this article. She clearly wants me and I want her... more or less the way I met her... before I spent the last 2 months or so completely un thrilled to talk to her because I feel guilted into it to show I love her just as much (rolls eyes) and spending several hours a day on the phone anyway. Its killing my time, my spirit, and my mood... and the time ever do have I used to spend being productive I just waste it away de-stressing and ummm masterbating.

Should I try linking this page? Because searching for articles like this to blow off steam and annoyance is making me consider breaking up even though I really love her and I love(d) spending time with her and I want it to work.

hollydayz from New Jersey on September 05, 2012:

good advice here

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