Interactions in Marriage/Relationships
Another Approach for ascertaining your Partner's Love Language
© copyright 2014 Ebonny
Part 2 of 2
Aside from the official Quiz, author of the 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman suggests finding your partner's Love Language by way of actually applying each love language for a limited time period, and noting your partner’s reactions.
Positive reactions denote a love language is having the desired effect whereas no reaction or a show of irritation would signify that a particular love language was not for them. So, for example, think about using Words of Affirmation for say 4-7 days and see how that goes. Then switch to Acts of Service, and so on. All the time, carefully reflect on how they respond when you speak each love language so that you can do less of the ones that have little or no positive effect and ramp up on the ones that have good outcomes.
See below for yet more alternatives to the Quiz AND for some ideas on how you can combine love languages should your partner turn out to have not one but two primary love languages.
5 Love Languages to Rekindle Romance
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Five Love Languages Quiz - More Alternatives
It’s very important to pay attention to what your spouse most often complains about as this can give another vital clue to their love languages. Do they complain that they always have to be the one to do a particular thing or initiate a particular activity? Consider which love language their complaint relates to and you can determine if they want more, or less, of a particular love language.
About Requests and Laments
Do they periodically request something which you may have inadvertently ignored or failed to note the significance of? Again, see which category of love language this falls within and use the information to determine their primary love languages. For example, frequent “throwaway” statements like “I just wish we could get away for the weekend every once in a while” points to the Quality Time love language.
Alternatively they might say something like “I can’t remember the last time we did/you did ...” If they specify a particular task or activity this is a clue to their love language and you can then think about ways to comply with their requests on a regular basis without then even having to ask, hint or moan anymore.
What does your partner do when they are trying to enthuse you or placate you?
You can determine your partners love language by observing how they tend to treat you when aiming to impress you or when they are attempting to appease you. Very often the way a person acts towards a partner is the way they themselves would appreciate being treated.
Audio version of 5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages are ...
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
About Combining TWO primary Love Languages.
Having used the Five Love Languages Quiz or alternative methods to assess your partner’s love language, you may find that he or she has two of the languages vying for the top spot. In such cases you can apply the love languages singularly and/or you might like to try combining your responses.
For example, if your partner’s 2 top languages are gifts and acts of service you could make them five gift vouchers. On each one write down a specific act of service you are prepared to do for him/her and explain on the voucher that they can give you the voucher at any time and you will do whatever act of service it is. For example, the voucher might say “next time you need help with ….. just produce this voucher and I will be happy to do the necessary”.
On some of the vouchers you might want to leave off specifying a specific task and let them tell you what they would like you to do, but only do this if you are prepared for the unexpected!
Don’t wait for a birthday or special day to give these gift/acts of service vouchers. Just give them spontaneously and make sure you carry out the act of service promptly, with good grace and a smile. NB: This suggestion is not intended as a replacement for traditional birthday gifts etc.
If their primary languages are words if affirmation and acts of service you might want to combine these by explaining that although you aren’t that keen on mowing the lawn you are more than happy to do it for them if it makes life easier for them because you get a kick out of helping out the one you love and let them know why you love and admire them and why they deserve your help.
To combine physical touch and words of affirmation, tell you partner if indeed you enjoy being close and touchy feely with them. Tell them how it actually makes you feel good to have a cuddle with the person you admire so much and explain why you admire them and genuinely affirm them as you cuddle up with them on the sofa. Take the time out to think of and only say only heartfelt sincere words of affirmations (see suggestions and examples here.
5 Love Languages can be read on a KINDLE
What you want and need isn't necessarily what your partner wants and needs !
With some reflective thinking as explained above, you can home in on what your partner responds well to. Thereafter, by lovingly giving them what they want and need you’ll be more able to channel your efforts to enhance your romantic relationship. In short, they will feel more loved and valued and the relationship will reap the benefits.
Again, take note of repetitive, on-going complaints, actions, positive and negative responses. One-off complaints are of less significance as far as determining a person’s Love Language is concerned. Think long and hard and you should be able to determine patterns in responses and behaviour of your significant other which will guide you to determine their primary and secondary languages. NB: You can also use this approach to determine your own love language!
Click here if you yourself wish to do a quiz to find out your spouse's love language (they won't need to participate at all!)
Further Reading on this topic by Ebonny
- 5 Love Languages Quiz
Without asking your significant other to do anything, you can find out their Love Language here by reflecting on their past actions and behaviours.
- Five Love Languages - rekindle your Relationship
By applying a partner’s love language a spouse can communicate love in a channelled way, regaining and maximising that “loved up” feeling.
- Words of Affirmation Examples and top tips for this ...
Unique examples, advice for those who cannot think of anything great to say about their partner! ways to convey words of affirmation, accept gracefully and why.
- Words of Affirmation – when you express this love ...
Why some people reject, question or suspect compliments & affirmations from a partner AND what to do about it. Essential reading for this love language.
- The Five Love Languages in Silent Treatment Passive ...
How relationships affected by passive aggressive silent treatment emotional abuse can benefit from applying the principles of the Five Love Languages.
- Silent Treatment Relationships and Speaking your Par...
Applying love language principles can strengthen the bond between you and your partner - and help diminish silent treatment in the future.
5 Love Languages Quiz Alternatives - Share your experiences
Ebonny (author) from UK on February 04, 2014:
Many thanks for your comment Ms Dora. Love languages can certainly can make a difference.
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on February 03, 2014:
Thank you for your insights on how to make use of the five love languages. I'm sure that couples will find your exercises helpful.