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18 Questions I Asked My Ex About Our Breakup

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If you were brave enough and could handle the truth would you want to know your ex’s views on the breakup and how they feel now, or would you prefer to stay ignorant?

Well, I grew curious and thought it would make an interesting piece. I’m actually really surprised he agreed to do this to be honest.

I’ll admit I was nervous to know his answers and wasn’t sure if I should be asking. And even though we are on good terms and check in on each other every now and again I wasn’t sure if we were so close that I could question him like this. I was especially nervous because I know how brutally honest he can be but I felt ready to hear his perspective and honestly, I’m still processing everything he’s said.

1. What's your biggest regret about our relationship?

The fact that I thought it was my responsibility to fix you. And I know now how wrong that is because after it ended that made me think I failed you. But after a time I realised that only you can do that.

And the word “fix” is quite an unhealthy way of thinking about your partner or “change”. I should have been more fixated on “growing”.

I was also very arrogant in the thought process of thinking if she doesn’t change for me who is she going to change for because I’m so special and I understand her better than anyone. Again I look at it differently now.

2. What's your favourite memory of us being together?

My favourite memory would have to be the night we went down to the little rc plane airport and lit some candles and cuddled on a blanket under the stars.

3. What's your least favourite memory of me?

The first time we broke up was pretty rough. And the night of new years eve 2017 when you first met up with my friends and family again was hard as well.

It just made getting back together feel forced or rushed at the beginning. Which eventually faded into something much better but unfortunately it all went downhill really quick.

4. What would you have done differently?

Obviously I wish I’d been more open with you. And I shouldn’t have asked you to move in with me the way I did. We should have made the decision together and for the right reasons.

I also wish I didn’t put so much energy into pushing you to be motivated. Again that’s something you needed to figure out on your own. I also wanted you to understand space could sometimes be a good thing for us.

5. Do you still think about me?

Yes, especially when I'm doing something we used to do together or when I see something I think you’d enjoy or find interesting.

6. How often?

I don’t want to say constantly but you pop up most days. Like a few months ago when I found a beautiful place on a hike and the first thing I thought was Elise would love this.

7. Do you wish we could work it out now?

Yeah. I’m still under the impression we both have our own paths for now. But I have thought in a year or so, depending on our growth, that maybe there’s a chance.

And I'm honestly not suggesting you need to be “fixed” I just feel if it’s supposed to be then it needs to fall into place naturally instead of jamming puzzle pieces into places they don’t fit.

8. Do you ever talk about me with your friends?

I've spoken of you a few times to people at work and some new people I’ve met but never in a negative light.

And I try to avoid bringing you up in front of the family but it does happen from time to time. I would do it more often but I just don’t want them to feel awkward.

9. Do any songs or TV shows remind you of me?

The thought of you around South Park and Rick and Morty sort of dwindled. But modern family definitely reminds me of you because I don’t usually watch it as much. And songs that sing about breakups or working things out kind of triggers me. Like Matt Corby - Miracle Love. And when I hear Michael Jackson.

10. What do you think of me now?

I'm not sure. I definitely feel different in a good way. I feel like you’re more understanding but this would mostly just be from what I’ve gotten from our recent conversations. You also seem more patient.

11. Do you think you settled with our relationship?

Definitely not. I might have some insecurities but I still felt I was pushing above my weight most of the time. I think its normal to lose appreciation from time to time but I think too highly of myself to settle. To me, settling would be finding somebody that’s dull or boring and accepting you're not going to learn anything new from that person.

12. If you could tell me anything what would you say?

Keep looking for all things that make you uncomfortable, whether it’s related to health or social situations.

13. When we first got together did you want us to last or did you have an exit strategy ready to use?

I think I was too blinded by love and lust to think about leaving. Maybe towards the end the negative thoughts built up to the final result, but there was never a plan.

14. What do you miss about me the most?

I miss our conversations. They made me feel like a drug addict chasing an addiction. We pushed our conversations passed their limit physically and metaphorically and I loved that. When I say physically I’m talking when we would keep each other up all night.

15. Do you think we could ever be friends?

I think it would be fine at a distance but the closer we get the more dangerous it becomes.

Rekindling a fire is a tricky business, some people have problems keeping the flame going. Our problem, however, is more keeping it under control.

16. Do you think we're compatible?

I don’t believe we need everything to be in common to be compatible but you need to find common ground. So, I believe the balance of differences is important in creating a healthy relationship otherwise everything just gets stale.

I'm not sure if we are compatible because I’m not sure if we valued each other’s differences enough but also sharing the same morels is essential and I think we had that going for us. Obviously, that can change with time though.

17. How did you get over the breakup?

Well, it was easier for me only because anything was better than the hole I was in. But knowing I had a chance to work on myself gave me the motivation to move on also.

18. Would you do it all over again the exact same way?

Yes, I would do it exactly the same since there's no way of knowing better because I appreciate the life experiences that I’ve been given and things like this helps us learn to live better. And I also probably believe in fate at some deep level.

I'm Surprised

I didn’t expect some of the answers he gave me but it was very enlightening. I thoroughly enjoyed our conversations about us as a couple and as friends. I’ve had a chance to know his perspective and it’s quite interesting indeed.

We have definitely learned a lot from each other as a couple and as being ex’s who are friends, and we’ve learned a lot from being apart. And it really shows me that we are in very different places now compared to where we were when we first broke up eight months ago, so it’s nice to know that we’ve both healed and matured a lot in such a short time.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same”

Flavia Weedn

© 2020 Elise

Comments

dashingscorpio from Chicago on January 14, 2020:

"If you were brave enough and could handle the truth would you want to know your ex’s views on the breakup and how they feel now, or would you prefer to stay ignorant?"

No! Ignorance isn't the issue. I don't see the point.

Most people who do believe in getting "closure" ask questions along the lines of: "Why do you think we didn't make it?"

Your questions however sound as if you were fishing for compliments and have your ego boosted as opposed to learning from mistakes so you can choose a better partner in the future.

It's almost all "Me" "Me" Me" questions!

2. What's your favourite memory of us being together?

5. Do you still think about (me)?

6. How often?

7. Do you wish we could work it out now?

8. Do you ever talk about (me) with your friends?

9. Do any songs or TV shows remind you of (me)?

10. What do you think of (me) now?

14. What do you miss about (me) the most?

None of those are the questions of someone looking to move on.

This type of conversation under the guise of getting closure actually comes across as having a hidden agenda of reopening communication with hopes that a trip down "memory lane" might cause one's ex to want to get back together.

The answers to those particular questions will do nothing to help a person with their future relationship choices or give them insight into them self moving forward.

It sounds like you're still in love with your ex!

I'm also fairly certain if he has a new girlfriend or wife she wouldn't want him engaging in a conversation about the good old days with you. Odds are you wouldn't want (your man) doing that either.