Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.
You Light Up My Life
You've lost that loving feeling...
Let's face it. After a while, the music fades. The candles go out. The magic disappears. The hot, steamy nights between the sheets become a distant memory as you and your partner are eclipsed by the mundane duties of every day life.
So often, we take our partner for granted, because we believe they will always be there, and they will love us no matter what. So what if the fire has gone out? Do people really have sex more than once every six months? You talk to your friends, and they confirm your suspicion. Once the relationship has become a regular part of your life, the passion takes a back seat to work, kids, housework, and TV.
Sex therapists don't always agree on the average number of times people in committed relationships are intimate. Some say once a week is average, while others suggest once per month is on par with the Joneses.
The one thing that researchers seem to agree on, is that there is no "normal." In relationships, there are a variety of factors that influence how often a couple will be intimate. Variables including age, weight, health, lifestyle, and the quality of the relationship overall. These are only some of the factors impacting the frequency of intimacy.
Whatever the average is in your relationship, following are some tips to help you reignite that hot spark of desire.
This Book will Help Your Relationship
A Book About Marriage
I wrote The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex as a tool to help heal broken marriages. While the title might seem racy, it's about relationships. To bring the spark back into your love life, it's important to remember why you are involved with that person and practice being the kind of person you'd want to be intimate with.
The kindle version is available on Amazon. For a paperback copy, feel free to contact me directly.
Adventure Brings Back the Fun
Enjoy an Adventure Together
10. Have Fun Together: Having fun together and experiencing something new are surefire ways to reignite the old flames of passion. You don't have to jump out of an airplane, but look for ways to have fun together.
When you are in a long-term relationship, the stress of life can weigh you down. Bills, kids, job worries, household chores, the list goes on and on. These serious factors take the fun out of life, and when you aren't having any fun, chances are your partner isn't either. And odds are, you aren't spending much time being intimate, when you are constantly worrying.
You don't have to take a week off from work to have fun. Take five minutes and go for a walk in a new place. Try doing something athletic together, such as biking, skiing, or hiking. The adrenalin rush you feel from the adventure will be associated in your brain with your partner, and as you are both laughing and enjoying the activity, you will increase the bond between you.
Furthermore, when you spend time doing something new, the synapses in your brain begin firing in new patterns. When your partner is a part of the adventure, then your brain associates your partner with the fun, the learning and the adventure.
Taking risks (not dangerous risks, but exciting, challenging ones), getting outside of your comfort zone and trying new things increases the bond between you and creates an exciting atmosphere when you relive your adventure.
Even something as silly as chasing each other through the house, or playing a game together can be enough to spark laughter, and later, to spark intimacy.
Building Intimacy to Restore Sex
Be grateful for what you have
9. Express your gratitude: Don't take your partner for granted. When you express appreciation for the little things they do for you, not only do you make your partner feel valued and loved, but you also remind yourself of the many reasons you fell in love in the first place.
How does expressing gratitude lead to fireworks in the bedroom? Easy. When your partner feels appreciated, they react by being more loving toward you. And when you remember how much you like your partner, then you will automatically be more attracted to him or her.
Gratitude is a two-way street. When one person expresses their thanks, both people feel better about the relationship, and draw closer.
Practicing gratitude is also helpful in the bedroom. After an unexpected session of love-making, you could say, "Thank you. That was just what I needed." Thank your partner for giving part of himself or herself to you, and appreciate the gift that physical intimacy is in your every day life.
Things can get HOT in the kitchen!
Try IT someplace NEW
8. Take intimacy out of the bedroom: All too often, we get bogged down in limiting ourselves to intimacy after everyone has gone to bed and the lights are out. Take your sex life to an all new level by thinking outside the box.
You don't have to be in your bed every time you are intimate with your partner. You have an entire house to play in, so why not enjoy every room? The bathroom, the kitchen, the living room. Really, your choices are endless.
In fact, you don't even have to relegate intimacy to the indoors. How about if you take it outside? While you're on a hike, or riding bikes, take a moment to steal a kiss in the great outdoors. It feels dangerous, it feels risky and it feels fun!
Of course, you may want to save your more intimate moments for when you get back home, but a stolen kiss, a gentle caress, or a quick grab may get the coals of desire burning before you make it home. Once you get inside the door, you'll both be desperately pawing at each other.
What is your AVERAGE?
Accentuate the Positive
7. Create an ideal situation: You don't have to lie to yourself, or to your partner, but look at the bright side. You attract more of what you focus on, in other words, where attention goes, energy grows.
Focus on the positive things about your partner, about your relationship, and about yourself. You will be more satisfied in general if you focus on your partner's strengths and good qualities. If you only look at the negative and the things that need improving, then you find more things to feel unhappy about. Where attention goes, energy grows. You attract more of what you focus on, good or bad.
When couples focus on what they like about each other, what they like about their relationship, and what they like about themselves, not only are they happier, but they also work harder to maintain and improve the quality of the relationship.
Take time to look at what you value in your partner and in yourself, then magnify that. Don't focus on the down side, instead look at the good qualities. Whatever qualities and traits brought you together, keep them in mind when things start slowing down.
Remind yourself and remind your partner of the great qualities they possess, and the great attributes of your relationship. Staying positive will help your attitude in general, it will improve your perspective on your partner, and it will help build a strong, lasting relationship.
You don't have to act fake. When you tell your partner that you appreciate their kindness, or their beautiful smile, they feel closer and more connected to you. This can only enhance your love life.
When the relationship is well grounded and stable, there is more opportunity to create and enjoy intimate moments throughout the day, and throughout the week. When you approach your partner with a positive mindset, then you both will be more likely to respond to intimate advances.
So Thankful for You
Get out of the RUT
6. Be Unpredictable: If your partner knows that you will be intimate every Sunday night at 10 p.m., perhaps it's time to get out of the rut. A rut forms when you take the same thing, in the same way, at the same time. It's not inherently bad to be predictable, but you can really improve your love life by simply stepping out of the rut.
Try changing things up, and explore intimacy at different times. Mornings are a great time for intimacy. Wake up a few minutes early, and start your day with a bang!
Or, change the location. You could sneak into the bathroom while your partner is showering and join them in the steamy water for a hot time.
Or, when your partner (or when you) comes home from work, before you both get started talking about your day, take a few minutes to reconnect in a passionate way. The talking will definitely wait until later. This is a great way to unwind after a hectic day. You don't need to talk. Just close the bedroom door, and greet each other with a deep kiss. Enjoy a few minutes of deep kissing, and staring into each others eyes, as you reconnect after being apart all day. It kindles the fires of sensuality that improve your love life.
You could even have sex right after dinner, rather than waiting until bed time. The possibilities are endless, and opportunities abound, when you are open to them.
The point is, sex becomes fun when it is unexpected. A delightful surprise will excite you both and bring the fireworks back into your relationship.
Make a date for intimacy
5. Create a date-night, sex-night: The opposite of boring sex every Sunday night at 10 p.m., is the hot date you schedule with your partner for Friday night, when you both know what will be on the menu.
All week long, you can both fantasize and look forward to sharing a steamy kiss, followed by more flames of passion. The tension leading up to date night will be so great that you might find yourselves unable to keep your hands to yourself.
You don't have to go out somewhere fancy or expensive. You don't have to leave home at all. What is important is that you plan a night for the two of you, and both of you know that you have something special to look forward to.
You could plan to give your man a sexy strip-tease at home, or give your wife a sensual massage after work. Whatever your imagination creates, make a date, and keep it. You will both be glad you did.
Four Short minutes can deepen intimacy
Teach That Old Dog Some New Tricks
4. Learn a few new tricks: You don't have to become a magician to light up the sparks in the bedroom, but learning some new tricks certainly can't hurt.
Many times, couples lose interest in each other because they do the same thing, day in and day out. They both know the predictable routine. You can shake up the routine a little, and spark some magic in your love making.
You can start with something easy, like what you wear to bed, or on a weekend morning. Instead of the usual cotton panties and department store bra, how about if you splurge on something exotic, lacy and sexy? Saunter into the room with a big smile, and see if he notices you.
Or, perhaps there is a move that you could add to your sexual repertoire that would spice things up. Books and the internet are replete with tons of information, pictures and descriptions of things you could try. And you don't have to be afraid. You are in a committed relationship with a person who loves you. There is nothing you can do wrong in this situation. The fact that you are trying something new will be exciting, and passion will build from that excitement.
Don't fall victim to doing the same things every day. Think of it like a work out. Eventually, you need to change it up a little bit, if you want to see better results.
How to Sext Your Partner
"Sexting" has gotten a bad rap, with teens and police and the internet, but it is still possible to text your partner to get both of you steamy and ready for more.
You can start off easy, "I'm so lucky to have you. I can't wait to kiss you tonight."
"We are so good together. Let's get some more practice!"
"I can't stop thinking of you, and I can't stop smiling when I do."
"How about you, me, and a bottle of bubbles get into some hot water tonight?"
"Meet me tonight at 8. In the bedroom."
"I can still taste your kiss on my lips."
"I am imagining your hands all over me, and I can't wait for you to come home."
Tease Me, Please Me....
3. Learn to tease each other throughout the day: Building intimacy can be difficult when both partners work, and volunteer in the community, and help at school. By the end of the day, you're both exhausted, with little energy left for what truly matters.
The most important thing in your life is your relationship with your partner. He or she will be there through thick and thin, long after the kids are grown, long after the job is gone, long after the friends have moved on, long after other volunteers have stepped up. Now is the time for you to deepen those bonds so that the two of you can enjoy a mutually satisfying relationship for many years to come.
One of the ways to improve that relationship is to stay connected throughout the day. Stick a note on her car window. Put a note in his lunch. Text him naughty texts throughout the day. Leave a sexy voice mail on her phone.
When you do these things, you build passion and tension. When you reconnect, tease each other with gentle kisses and touches, all the while building passion. By the end of the night, you will both be anxious to come together.
Tell Me What You Want
2. Say what you want: Sex feels good. If it doesn't feel good, then someone is doing something wrong. Instead of gritting your teeth through another uncomfortable intimate experience, how about if you tell your partner what you really want?
Yes, it seems strange, to speak up for yourself. Would you rather avoid intimacy at all costs, because it doesn't feel very good, or would you rather enjoy a deeply satisfying experience with the person you love most in the world?
So how do you ask for what you want? You could be like a drill sergeant, and order them around. Or, you could try a more gentle approach, directing toward things you like, and telling them when something doesn't feel quite as good.
You certainly don't have to be mean, but you can speak your truth. Being honest should be the starting point in any relationship. If you can't be honest in bed, then how can you possible hope to be honest anywhere else in your relationship?
Men and women aren't taught how to be good lovers. They pick up tricks and tips along the way. If you guide your partner toward the things that give you pleasure, they will be grateful for the guidance, and you will enjoy the pleasure. It is a win-win situation.
If you don't know what you want, then ask your partner to try something else. Experimenting can lead to great discoveries in the bedroom. And as you explore together, you will grow closer, not only sexually, but also emotionally.
It can be better than this
Soften you heart
1. Remember love: The reason you are together is because you like each other, you like to laugh, and you like to have fun. Remember that? Remember all the great qualities that drew you to each other, and focus on them. Remember the fun, and bring it back.
Life and marriage isn't a laugh a minute. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes you fight. Sometimes you want to yell or stomp or just get mad. But don't let those times destroy what you have built. Remember why you are together. You love each other.
The best way to improve your time together is to be kind. Speak kindly. Act with kindness. Think kind thoughts. Soften your heart, release your bitterness, anger, resentment, fear, and frustration, and allow yourself to just love your partner.
Breathe deeply and let love in. You can't be intimate with someone you hate. Release all that anger and allow your heart to open. When you soften yourself, a magical thing will happen. Your partner will also soften toward you.
It might take a while, if bitterness has created a wedge between you. But one of you has to choose to move first. Usually, the more mature person moves first, toward reconciliation and intimacy. You can be that person. You can be the one who restores what has become a sensitive and difficult issue in your relationship.
Move forward with kindness, love and compassion for your partner. Be gentle with each other. Release your expectations for a particular outcome, and practice loving and kindness for their own sake.
When you approach your relationship with a heart of restoration and love, the intimacy will improve immeasurably.
Hennikglobal on September 23, 2018:
Thanks for this copy of massage it really change my orentations.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 27, 2016:
@Aaliya Bhatt, thanks for your comments. I definitely agree, those middle of the night surprises can be great for a marriage. Your tips are a wonderful addition to spicing things up.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on May 25, 2016:
Thanks for reading and commenting, tirelesstraveler,
I agree, it is a terrible manipulation. However, I believe it happens in many relationships, whether you are married or not. It is a horrible thing to do to each other.
Judy Specht from California on May 25, 2016:
No wonder nobody gets married anymore. No sex is a horrible manipulative tool.