C.Ferreira made a comment on one of the hubs I've written today, How to be Judgmental. While the easy response I could have made would have been "and that's how you can be judgmental!" I do understand his position on the matter and I respect him for it. I began to write a comment reply to his statements, but decided that given that we are currently actively involved in the 100 Hub Challenge, I thought I would go ahead and make a hub about why I have chosen to be a submissive wife.
Before I begin, I would like to stress that this subject is one that is very sensitive and is very personal. My purpose with this hub is not to preach to you, the reader, but to express who I am and why I have made the choices that I have made in an effort to bring to bear understanding of why there are women like me who still exist in our modern times and culture. I ask that you please not look upon me with judgment, but rather strive to understand the choices that I have made and work to respect them as I respect the choices that others have made.
I am a Christian
Before I get into real depth with this hub, I want to make it quite clear that I am a Christian. I have always chosen submission over being in authority, but now the place from which I come in submission is completely different. The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands:
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." (NIV)
This is big, and it is bold, and there are a lot of people who truly don't like it. I have encountered Christian women who have clearly stated that they would rather cut off their husband's private parts than allow him authority in his own home. The choice, of course, is theirs. That is the wonderful thing about living in the twenty-first century and having free will: we make our choices, and henceforth we live with them.
The choice that I have made it to obey God and therefore to obey the Bible. It is a choice that I have made with a great deal of consideration, and here's the truth, dear reader: As much as I love you and appreciate your patronage -- It isn't your business.
I am a Christian, and I choose to follow the teachings of my faith. This includes biblical feminine submission. Please read further for more about my choice.
I Live a Biblical Marriage
Harmony vs. Discord in the Home
I lived in a home that was full of discord. Friends who have met my parents have commented that "you sure know who's in charge in that house!) and it is inevitably my mother who earns the title of "head of the house." My father drank to excess when I was a child and I remember my mother as a nag. However much I love her, I always felt somewhat intimidated by her authority. She isn't a soft person, nor is she hard. Not a natural leader, but put into a position to lead, perhaps because my father didn't want that role. I can't say. I am not my parents, and I have chosen a totally different path for myself.
Whatever the case, there was a serious sense of discord in my home growing up. There was a constant feeling of dis-ease in the house and I could never quite put my finger on it. I think my father, in some ways, drank to escape, and I think that my mother took over control of the household because my father couldn't be relied upon (because of the drinking). They were both counter productive to their ultimate aims.
I've always been friends with people who are older than me. Many of them come from the generation that was burning their bras and declaring equality for all women. And these friends of mine have perpetually encouraged me to learn how to "manipulate my man" so that I can get from him what I want. I learned from them how I could best withhold sex or give my husband the silent treatment. They taught me how I could "make him think it was his idea" even though whatever "it" was might be reprehensible to him. I've learned the strategies and tactics and I'm... divorced.
I believe that the number one reason that I am divorced is because I whined, and I cried, and, in that oh-so-girlish way, I had temper tantrums. My girlfriends, you see, told me that these tactics worked on men and that if I employed them, I would get what I wanted. In the end, however, what I "got" was divorced!
I didn't want that to happen again, and although I didn't consider myself "on the market" for quite some time after I was separated from my first husband, I wanted to work on changing me. I would only ever get so far if I continued to stew and blame him for what had gone wrong in our marriage, and it was possible that I might do more than recover if I assessed my own "blame" in the situation.
Please don't misunderstand me: adultery is always wrong. There is no way to get around it -- he didn't want an open relationship and yet continued to have an affair. I wasn't allowed the "luxury" of a secondary man, but he was in my best friend's pants every step of the way. He didn't have an excuse. The point is, neither did I.
I wasn't going to let this happen again. If I could be a "better" wife, then would my next husband be more inclined to love me, to stick by me through thick and thin? Would he be as inclined to wander from our marriage bed? I wasn't sure, but I had to find out!
I've been exploring submission for some time, and the one thing that I have discovered above anything else is the fact that wifely submission brings harmony to a home. There is no longer a power struggle between two people who both want to be "in charge." It is a confession of our dependence on one another and an acceptance of our natural roles.
Not everyone is going to agree, and I'm fine with that. There have been many a successful marriage in which submission was not practiced: who am I to argue with that! But it works for me.
My Journey of Submission
My journey hasn't been an easy one. I've stumbled blindly down many roads to get to where I am. I've sought (literal) violence to fill the need within me and I have, at times, allowed men to take advantage of me, because I felt that if I did, they would love me more. If I was "better" then I wouldn't risk being hurt as I was in my first marriage. The problem for me was that this was the road to burnout. I couldn't find the personal, internal balance that I needed in order to bring harmony to my home, and I certainly wasn't "the heart of the home" as now I want to be.
I have stumbled so many times on the road to the marriage that I want. Several times we have almost separated, and we still have the occasional row. As human beings, we are just like everyone else, and not one of us is perfect. I believe that is how God wanted it to be. If He had not, then He wouldn't have given us this thing called "free will."
I still stumble, and I stumble frequently. The time will come when I will blog my thoughts on the journey, but right now there is just too much going on and there are parts of me that are too wounded and still healing for me to be so open. Consider, please, the courage that it takes me in a secular environment to open up and admit: I am a submissive woman.
Woman: God's Great Masterpiece!
When I first became a Christian I found myself devouring every book on the subject of Christian womanhood that I could find. I wanted to know more, I wanted to understand how to "be better" and I wanted to serve God. I came into Christianity with one hot heart! I read... And I read... And I was discouraged... and I was disheartened and after a while... My heart was quite cold. I was angry. Strangely, though I have always opted for submission, being told that I had to submit was simply more than I could bear. Was I not equal to my husband? Was I not just as important in the eyes of God?
This is the argument that many people have with biblical submission, and I understand their argument perfectly. After all, if one submits to the authority of another, doesn't that mean that the one in submission confesses to being "less" than the one having authority?
Do you submit to the wishes of your boss? If you are given instructions, do you follow them? If you didn't, you wouldn't have your job for very long, would you?! My husband is simply the "boss" of my home. I follow his instructions because that is the plan that God has for me. I am, over time, becoming increasingly content with my role and I am more and more happy with who I am in His design.
But back to me.
I faced the same righteous indignation that many secular folks do when faced with the idea that I might somehow be "less" to God. Then one day things began to gradually change, and it began with a parenting Bible study that I picked up. In the first chapter, the author talks about Genesis, and God's design for submission and authority. She talks about creation, and the way that God made one thing after another, each "thing" greater than the one that had come before it.
What was the last thing that God created in Genesis? You've got it! WOMAN!
As I gradually began to see myself as one of God's great masterpieces, I developed a fresh understanding of Him and His design, and I gained an appreciation for who I was within His creation!
God's Design for Marriage
God has a design for marriage. I know there there are many here on Hubpages who will disagree with this statement. After all, we are a community of secularists and atheists. I do not condemn those who disagree with my statements and those who disagree are not sinning for disagreeing. You were given the same free will as I was, and you must therefore make your own decisions.
From the time that God created Adam in the Garden of Eden, he had a purpose. He designed His first man in His image, and He created man with an authority. Man had dominion over the earth, and it was for man to tend the plants and name the animals. He had a special position of authority and was given the ability to make decisions and to choose between right and wrong. Man was given one rule to follow, and the choice to follow it in obedience to God or not.
Then there was woman. Genesis tells us that God said that "It is not good that man should be alone" and therefore He created Eve as a Help Meet for Adam. Eve was created to stand beside Adam, to support him and to build him up. She was created to take some of the load off of him and to give him companionship and someone to love. She was created with an open and loving heart and the ability to meet his needs, as she also could have her needs met by him.
There was balance to the environment in the Garden of Eden. Man had authority and woman followed the authority of man. Life in the Garden of Eden was beautiful until Eve fell victim to temptation.
Man and women, ladies and gentlemen, secular, Christian and "other" alike, were created equal. Men and women were created to be equal but different. That, my dear readers, was God's design for marriage.
It's Lovely to be a Woman
I like being a woman in God's plan. As often as I am told that I need to "get with the 21st century" and that "women have rights" I often laugh. I would prefer to be a woman today than a man during any age of our human history. I enjoy biblical, submissive womanhood, and here are some of the reasons why.
- I don't "have" to go to work every day. I have the choice to stay at home with my daughter and educate her at home as I have chosen to do.
- I don't have to shoulder the responsibility of sheltering and feeding my family. That falls to my husband. My job is simpler: appreciate him and support him in his effort.
- I get to spend more time with my children and learn invaluable skills that I can use in the home and pass on to them.
- I have more time to spend on money-making hobbies at home, including writing, knitting and sewing.
- I control the mood in the house. If the household is miserable, I am fully able to make my family happy by my own spirit and attitude!
- I am the one ultimately in control. For a control freak like me, that rocks!
More than anything I love that I have the right to choose. Living in the 21st century, I have decided that I want to be a submissive wife, and I love it that way!
My Submission, My Right
As my final word, I want to point out to all of you that this is my life I'm talking about. I'm not pointing at you and your relationship and saying that it is bad or that it is wrong: simply that I have made a choice to live my life in a particular way. I ask that everyone respect that and keep their personal judgments to themselves. You make your choices based on what works for you in your relationship, and please, do allow me to make mine!
Further Reading Regarding Submission
- Christian Women Online Magazine
An excellent and free ezine for Christian women to explore themselves and their marriages. A truly wonderful resource for any woman who is looking to deepen her walk with Christ and to become the wife that God intended for her to be!
- A Wife's Biblical Submission
More a lesson plan or magazine than a blog (as are many of the sites I read and follow), this site offers "lesson plans" to help one to best understand what biblical submission is and is not. If you are curious, have a look at this site!
- Biblical Submission
This page comes from the perspective of abuse, and addresses abuse within a Christian marriage. Abuse is sin! No male has the "right" to control his wife in an abusive manner and such treatment is not biblical (though some will claim that it is).
- The Beautiful Faith of Fearless Submission :: Desiring God Christian Resource Library
Here the article talks about the strength and power that a woman must have in order to live in submission to her husband. What a wonderfully beautiful article! A must read for everyone wishing to better understand why a woman would choose submission!
- Bible Gateway
Bible Gateway is my source for all of my Bible quotes. For those who are looking for an easy-to-use Bible reference online, I love this one! Take the time to seek out some of the writings of Paul about biblical submission.
- Marriage Teaching - Biblical Submission
A very realistic article about the truth of biblical submission of wives to their husbands. As the article points out "there isn't one place that it tells men to lord over, command, rule, or govern their wives." Very well written!
Blogs of Interest to those Seeking Biblical Submission
- A Wife’s Submission
More a complete website than a blog, this site offers a large selection of articles on the subject of biblical submission and authority. If you genuinely want to dig deeper into this issue, this is a great place to start and finish!
- A Pondering Heart
Jocelyn is an amazing, amazing young woman! Though I don't agree with everything that her family says and/or does, I think that she is a very vibrant young lady who has a lot to say about the meaning of Jesus in her life!
Besarien from South Florida on August 26, 2017:
So long as you are happy, I am happy for you. It is brave to be different. It is brave to live according to your beliefs. You are not hurting other women by doing that. In fact, you are empowering us all to make our own choices whether or not they are different from yours.
Submission should always be consensual though. That is the real problem. In too many traditional societies, it isn't. Submit to this religion, this marriage, this slavery, this idea- or else we will force you- well, that isn't much of a choice.
Aneesa on September 19, 2015:
It's not good to be submissive to a man.NOOOOO
Teesha on May 19, 2015:
I have a problem with this in my own personal life and im really trying to bring myself to be submissive but the thought of being less and feeling like your not good enough is overbearing had me feeling like he doesnt care about me????
john on January 29, 2015:
I like this post very much. Thanks for sharing such a great post
Bridgette Raes Style
Sarah from Portugal on December 09, 2014:
I admire how you follow your beliefs. I could never choose that path, but I understand, respect and admire the fact that you know what and why you do what you do. You are free to choose, you have chosen.
Jenny on September 10, 2014:
The problem is that people think you need to be one way or another. Your either totally submissive or some bra burning feminist who demands everything and belittles her husband. A marriage is a partnership, a two way street if you will. If you work together and have a mutual respect for each other then your going to have a great marriage! One person calling all the shots is a dictatorship and as history has taught us with dictatorship is that it doesn't work! Someone is going to rebel! It's the same in a marriage if there is only one person making any and all decisions someone is going to crack either the husband, wife or the children. That's why even the president has a vice president and Advisers because nobody can take everything all the time. And being a "Yes" women all the time is going to instill absolute power into a man and he's going to abuse that power sooner or later. It's going to rear it's ugly head into some form of abuse or another. Mutual respect and admiration can come from both spouses without total submission and make a happy marriage!
Yonason Goldson on July 31, 2014:
Popular culture assumes that whatever is more public/prominent/visible is more important. Common sense proves otherwise. A pretty car with a broken engine is pretty useless. A state of the art monitor with an outdated computer is dysfunctional. Most of history's most influential figures were advisers (and wives) who ruled from the shadows.
In Biblical Hebrew, the word "sod" (with a long "o") means both "secret" and "foundation." Everything depends upon the foundation -- literally -- and that which is most important is usually that which is most hidden.
The wife is the foundation of the home. As the author astutely points out, equal does not mean identical. Any successful team is made up of players with complementary talents. If a husband and the wife compete rather than collaborate, a marriage cannot succeed.
billys1 from "Somewhere", USA on June 20, 2014:
"If you want to have a more loving relationship with your husband, remember that he's a gift from God, a treasured possession - just as you are. As a Wholehearted wife, seek to honor him each day by cherishing him and affirming his value. Treat him like a Stradivarius!"
WOW, Heather, what a positive and affirmative statement. If more wives treated their husbands this way AND MORE HUSBANDS TREATED THEIR WIVES THIS WAY, then I feel there would not be that awful thing called divorce. As an imperfect husband, I do try to appreciate my wive as a true gift from God. Life is to short to do otherwise. Both husbands and wives need to realize just how little time that we have together here on earth and to make this time the happiest possible for both of us. Marriage is constant and hard work. Two people come together from varring backgrounds have to learn the true art of compromise in order to make life for both of them not just acceptable but great. I am 67 mow and I am still learning new lessons in making a happy marriage every day. God bless you, I hope all couples buy this book and read it together.
Heather B on June 19, 2014:
I just finished reading a brand new book I think you all would enjoy. It's called "The Wholehearted Wife: 10 Keys to a More Loving Relationship," by Erin, Greg and Gary Smalley. It is centered on changing ME and aligning myself with God and what he wants from me as a wife. Biblical, inspirational, affirming. One of my favorite quotes is, ""If you want to have a more loving relationship with your husband, remember that he's a gift from God, a treasured possession - just as you are. As a Wholehearted wife, seek to honor him each day by cherishing him and affirming his value. Treat him like a Stradivarius!" I highly recommend it!
Jayson Santos on June 06, 2014:
While I have read some points that I do not agree, there are lot of things that I agree in your post especially the wife being submissive.
But I would like to share my thoughts on this as it should be taken in context to what was written in the Bible.
Start of excerpt:
You see, the law of having the man as the head of the woman in marriage… this is ONLY applicable if the man is being headed by Christ.
“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” I Corinthians 11:3
Note the hierarchy in a God ordained relationship.
1. God the Father – 2. Christ – 3. Man – 4. Woman
So if your husband is a drunkard, he is not of Christ.
If your husband has hatred in his heart, he is not of Christ.
If your husband doesn’t love you just like his own body then Christ is not his head.
Therefore the woman should not (totally) submit herself to that man in the first place. But would still show meekness to influence and lead the husband to God.
In a christian marriage, the woman has no power over her body… it is the man who has power over it. The same with the man… the man has no power over his own body… it is the wife who has power over it. So if the wife wants to kiss the husband… the husband has no right say no, because he does not have power over his own body except the wife. And vice versa.
” The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” I Corinthians 7:4
We are talking about the spouse “body”. But when it comes to decisions and leading the marriage, it is the husband’s (whose head is Christ) responsibility to take the leadership role.
End of excerpt:
If the woman takes the leadership role (no matter if the husband agrees with it or not) it will often lead to marital problems because that is not the design of the creator.
I would like to talk about the logic and psychology why being a submissive HUSBAND is detrimental for the marriage... but that would be too long for a comment.
I would love to hear more from you and other folks here as you have created a great article that is buzzing with good exchange of ideas. Till then.
Excerpt source: http://howtosavemymarriage101.com
Suzie from Carson City on March 16, 2014:
EM.....First let me say that you are an extremely talented writer. This hub was easy and enjoyable to read...very flowing and fascinating....You are "awesome" in terms of being a writer!
I too believe in "choice," via free will. Forest Gump claims "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."........True, Forest, but allow me to say that the same applies to marriage.
Therefore...as I am reading your hub....ANY hub, I am also thinking to myself. You made this decision for a few reasons I see, one being you are a Christian. I imagine somewhere in this world there are non-Christian women who feel as you do...for their own reasons. Then of course, because I am a humorist at heart....I thought, "This sure as heck wouldn't work for any of the women I know......they're all married to morons! God forbid they hold the reins for the whole family!!" lol.........To each her/his own...that's my mantra.
I applaud your decision. As you said, it "works" for you and your marriage. Without a single doubt, this would never ever work for me.......not a chance. I would be so totally unhappy, I'd wither away and die. In fact, this is totally contrary to my personality and characteristics. To pull this off I'd have to be heavily DRUGGED 24/7. (please bear with my twisted sense of humor)
No, I am not a control freak...when it comes to others. BUT, I must be in control of me and my life, my choices, activities and decisions. This works for me. Apparently it has worked in my relationships/marriages, because there were never major difficulties due to my independence. I'm a widow now and live solo.
Bless you. I wish you many years of happiness and fulfillment. While life can be tough....as we grow in experience and wisdom, I believe that ultimately, we all wind up where we are the happiest!!....UP+++
Hendrika from Pretoria, South Africa on February 07, 2014:
I get it where you are coming from and really admire you. Sometimes, though it is just not possible. In certain household the man simply do not want the responsibility like the one I grew up in. There were no problems in the marriage and my Mother was a real devout woman, but my father wanted to get on with his research and not be bothered with everyday things. He brought in the money and that is as much as he wanted to do.
In my personal marriage, I once again find myself in a position where my husband is so adamant that I am equal to him that he simply wants everything to be in my hands and even though I have tried he will not change and take over, he is nearly 70. I have to tell you though that he does not see well he was born with a deformed eyeball. We are both Christians.
Kathleen Cochran from Atlanta, Georgia on January 13, 2014:
So much harm has come from the interpretations of this verse. I read once that one of the original Greek meanings for the word "head" was "tip of the spear" or "first into the fight." What wife wouldn't want her husband to be that for her? And if only more men were interested in being that in their marriages instead of the boss.
I'm fortunate to have a tip of the spear and not a boss. Blessings.
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on January 09, 2014:
I don't have any specific recommendations at this point, as I've stopped browsing the web for these subjects and rely more often on printed media for information relating to the subject of marriage. It's generally better research material.
billys1 from "Somewhere", USA on January 09, 2014:
Thank you for your reply and incite on this subject. As always I have learned something new from you. I never thought of things in quite this way but it is so plain and easy to see. I guess I just had to have it broken down and explained in simple terms. I always want to do the Lord's work no matter if I am leading or I am following. When I do try to lead in our marriage I end up being a little bossy and that is counter productive to any relationship, especially in an intimate relationship like a marriage. I want to help make my marriage stronger, not make problems between my wife and myself. Thanks again for the answer. If there is a web site that you can recommend to the husbands out here I am sure that I am not the only husband that could make good use of it. Thanks once more. May God bless you and please keep up your great work. Bill
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on January 08, 2014:
Husbands and wives are admonished to submit to one another as to the Lord. We have a responsibility to submit to *one another* and to respect one another's perspectives. This is something that often goes overlooked in a discussion of biblical marriage, and I'll happily admit that my views on the matter have changed considerably since the original hub was written several years ago.
The way that I see it, sometimes a wife's submission requires her to lead if that is her husband's preference. He is respecting her when he allows her to take the reins in areas where she is stronger than he is. We each have our strengths and weaknesses, and in the best marriages, both husband and wife realize that there are areas where their spouse is stronger and may be more suitable to make decisions.
billys1 from "Somewhere", USA on January 08, 2014:
Dear Everyday Miracle,
I read the quoted biblical phrase in another hub that branches from this one about 21st Century Husbands and Wives and I had the following thoughts. I would greatly appreciate your feedback. Please keep providing these inciteful, informative and educational and enjoyable hubs as they help keep inquiring minds like my own growing so we can be better men, Christians and husbands. Thank you!
"Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” I Peter 3:1-7"
"Submission in the biblical sense is not one sided. God tells the wife to be submissive but yet he charges the husband go be considerate and respectful. These are both qualities of submission."
Then is there such a thing as a submissive husband also? I mean this in the most respectful way possible. I allow my wife to lead and I do the following. Is it possible that I am being a submissive husband according to the will of God and I just don't know that I am doing His work in this way. I am not a wimp and she is not a domineering Lady at all. However, when I attempt to do the leading and expect my wife to follow me then there is discord in the family. Perhaps it is Gods will in some marriages that the woman is at the head of the household and the man is the homemaker. I am still her protector and we share in emotional portions of our marriage but is it possible Gods will for me and I have not begun to see it until I read this article? Is this possible? Please post a comment on these observations. Also, are there any HUBS discussing submissive husbands or husbands that do the nurturing in their home?
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on January 07, 2014:
Obedience isn't blind, Annette. One can respect her husband and obey him without losing her ability to think for herself or make her opinions known. Safety should always come first.
Annette on January 07, 2014:
Let's hope Hubby does not order her to do anything illegal. imoral, or unethical. Where does blind obedience end.
billys1 from "Somewhere", USA on November 07, 2013:
Dear Everyday Miracle,
What do you say to a person whose wife has left him because he committed a crime, no other reason just he made one time mistake because he had untreated depression and he committed a crime. No one was hurt and his entire professional, personal and econommic life havet all been trashed. Yet she refuses to forgive and forget and stand by her wedding vow of for better or for worse. What is worse is that if he were her and she him he would stand by her till death. Any advice here?
hht on November 01, 2012:
Im simply jewish and i dont give a ratsass about this.
Passerby on October 23, 2012:
The whole head/master/slave/sub thing does not work for me. I think my sex organs shouldn't dictate how I should be treated. I'm a smart intelligent woman and would like to be respected for my input into any relationship be it business or relationships. But I do understand why, in certain marriages, the submissive thing for women works. I think EM has brilliantly expressed what her choice is and I respect that. It doesn't mean that her choice will work for all women and it will be a shame if that meant that women in happy female-led relationships are doomed for hell because it doesn't fit with what's in the bible. I'm neither dominant nor submissive. And I dont see why I have to be in one group or the other. I just want to be treated fairly and with respect.
Liberated on October 07, 2012:
One more think I forgot to mention in my previous post. I asked my husband a few weeks ago, "if he had more respect for a woman who was dependent upon her husband on a financial level and also on a level where he controlled her actions as well, or if he had more respect for a wife who was financially independent in addition to treating her husband the way she'd like to be treated." He told me this: He had more respect for a woman who was financially independent because she was smart and intelligent enough to make her way through life without requiring the help of others. She is capable of making her own decisions and he told me he just has more respect for a woman like that. He knows he's married to a woman who is with him because she wants to be with him, not because she is financially dependent on him. When you become dependent on others financially, you lose your freedom. You can't make decisions for yourself. Someone does it for you. In essence they control you. Who wants to be controlled like that?
But if that person doesn't control you and doesn't need your money, it's a great feeling to know you're loved because of who you are, not for what you provide. He has more respect for a woman who is intelligent enough to make her own decisions and for the financially independent women out there. Not all men are like that. Some men need to control their woman. Some women want to be controlled.
My husband told me he respected a sharp, intelligent woman who is financially independent and who can make decisions on his own and who can stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. Basically, all the traits of a leader. Some men like that. It doesn't mean that they want a controlling wife either. They just want a strong, sharp, intelligent, financially independent woman to share their lives with. That makes sense to me because I want the same from my husband so it works perfectly for us.
Liberated and Loving It on October 07, 2012:
My husband and I work together as a team. We treat each other the way we'd like to be treated. Nobody demands that they do this or that. We love each other with all our hearts. We give each other the FREEDOM we deserve. It's great to be FREE! You do it because you want to do it. If you see men who boss women around, run for your lives because in no way would this be treating people the way you'd like to be treated.
Samantha1972 on August 21, 2012:
Hello, I am new at trying to be a submissive wife. First I want to say thank you. My preacher printed this story for me as kinda home work. lol. I have only been trying this for four months now. However I have seen a great improvement in my home. There is less fighting and more enjoyment. Unlike you I have to work so I don't get all the benefits that go with being a submissive wife. It's not easy.. Being told I had to be submissive......I was raised to be in control. But once I stopped fighting it and tried it, I'm starting to understand. It's God plan not mine that matters. If you have any advice to give or ways to keep me from messing this up all the time. please let me know.
Sundoulos on August 15, 2012:
First off, NO ONE is damaged beyond repair; if you were, then God wouldn't be God; He would be below you. You sound more of broken heart & contrite spirit, but according to Psalm 51:17, those aren't things that God despises. I won't EVER pray that you die soon, unless you are in the ark of safety; there's no coming back from that side of eternity & I don't wish that on anyone. When we think of words like slave, submission, master & such the like, we tend to think of the perverted human versions of these words, but God is the Good Master. If you're in a covenant relationship in its purest & truest form, it's never one-sided. The husband will esteem you greater & you will do the exact same thing for him, all for the Glory of God. NO ONE wants a master-slave relationship from a human being's perspective; we are just too unforgiving & this flesh won't ever be satisfied & that is why it has to be crucified daily & put under subjection. You don't need a new version of God; you just need to accept the TRUE version of God; Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent & more than all, LOVING (God is LOVE). He loved us enough to send His only begotten Son (John 3:16) & loves us, even when we were enemies to Him. Jesus submitted Himself to the Father (and He is just as much God as the Father is); it was true submission & Agape love, because He died KNOWING that He would STILL be rejected by some, but deferred to the will of the Father. He showed how to submit to Him & your husband; as a matter of fact, submitting to your husband IS submission to God, because He instituted that. Though he were a Son, he learned obedience by what he suffered (Hebrews 5:8). He loves YOU so much, that He did that for YOU. God doesn't hate you; God hates sin, disobedience & lies. I KNOW that if you grasp this concept, you would be a virtuous woman, on fire for the Lord & used as a vessel to help those where you are currently come to understand the true meaning of submission. You still have my e-mail address; feel free to use it at anytime. I will be willing to correspond and/or talk at any time. I will keep you in my prayers...
Sue on August 14, 2012:
Thanks for the nice words, but unfortunatly, I am damaged beyod repair. Those words completely ruined any chance I have at happiness, or anythig else good in life. Actually, all the priest did was read out of the bible. He did not go on to elaborate or anything. Now, partially because of those words, I am just waiting to die. I know this is absurd to most people-after all, I've rejected christianity, why can't I reject the bad messages. I personally wuld never wanta master-slave type marriage, so I would never become a christian. But, I always wanted to understand why the god of the bible seemed to hate me so much. I guess my answer is to find a new version of God, one that seems to really love me, and not want me to become a slave. I realy don't feel that the christian god loves me. I appreciate your comment, and I wish you all the best. If you pray for me, please pray that I will die soon, as I have tried, but my prayers were not answered. Thanks.
Sundoulos on August 05, 2012:
I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that type of heresy in the church that you'd attended. I'll be the first to admit that those things take place in "churches" that we want to call the house of God. I can assure you that a TRUE man of God will submit to his wife also (putting her needs above his own). I'm not sure if you want to contact me or not, but I can be reached at email@example.com & if you have an account as well, we can talk by computer. And one more important thing that you need to understand is that God loves you as well. We are all servants/slaves under Him, but He is the Good Master & only wants what is best for us.
Sue on August 05, 2012:
god actually likes you. Only wants to make a slave of me. Anyone who wants to be a slave of their husband/head/master is free to do so, but I choose freedom over slavery any day. At 17, I was in church one day-I was forced to go by my parents even though I had already decided to reject christianity because of sexism. I was actually listening that day and the submissive verses were read. I was appalled-why would any woman EVER want to get married. I was 18-almost free-why would I ever want to give up my freedom? After tht moment, I developed a hatred and fear of men-after all, they wanted to dominate and be my "head"/master. It has been 30 years, and I still am so full of hatred-of men, and of myself. Although I rejected christianity, why can't I reject those horrible words? That moment 30 years ago ruined my life-it's my fault, I let it. I let those few words make my life miserable, sad, and unloving. I LET it destroy my life- I just can't get those horrible words out of my mind. What can I do to repair the life I have left. Whenever I started to like somebody, I would read those words n the bible, and run the other way. It is like my protection against domination. All I want to do is be happy, but because of those words I don't think i ever will be
Evelyn on August 04, 2012:
I knew a couple once that were christian. I was talking to the husband about how I left christianity because of the verses on women. I, myself, believe in equality in marriage, but I recognize other people's right to live as they want. Anyway, I told him that in my opinion, the bible advocates a type of master/slave relationship. He said it is not that, but that the man is head of the relationship, and that his wife acceps him as her "head". I saw the wife a few days later, and asked how she felt having a "head". She looked at me funny, and said "what". I told her that her husband said that she accpted him as her "head". Well, a few days later I found out that she had left her "master". When I saw her next, she said that she was an adult woman, and did not need a master or "head". While I felt bad that I had unintentionally broken up this marriage, I know that their opinions did not coincide with each other's. He thought of her as a slave, and she thought of him as an equal. They were both "christians". The husband was very nice to his wife, but she could not believe the fact that he thought of himself as her master. The point of the story is to emphasize the fact that this should have been discussed prior to marriage. Many women don't like the thought of having a master or a "head". She is doing great-going on trips with friends and planning to retire. He, on the other hand, is very depressed over losing his wife. If they had discussed their expectations of each other, this marriage could have been avoided, and a lot of hurt also. I, personally, don't find a submissive/ headship marriage to be healthy, but if other's choose this type of marriage, it should be disclosed. Also, just because a person claims to be a christian, does not necessarily mean thatthey want a master/slave marriage. Thanks for letting me vent as I am still uncomfortable with my role in this break-up.
Sundulous on July 31, 2012:
Do you realize that restriction is the true price of freedom? While it is true that we celebrate Independence Day, we don't celebrate at the expense of someone losing their life (murder), so that's restriction, even though the country is free. Those types of twisted questions only tell me that you don't want to consider any one else's opinion, but want everyone else to hold yours to the highest value. The fact that this young lady CHOOSES to submit means that she has a choice not to submit, but she is willing to sacrifice personal selfishness if the family unit fully benefits. There is so much power in that. And, she HAS a voice in the family; submission only means that the final decision is on the husband & God will hold the man accountable that does otherwise. There has to be an order & the woman has to show the children how to submit to authority; otherwise, you're going to have dysfunction or divorce; there are no two ways around that. Read Proverbs 31:10-31 and see how this woman sacrifices for her family & how the MAN is called blessed because of HER commitment to put the family first. It is also the man's job to put his wife first (both are submitting/see Philippians 2:3). The husband is not to be a tyrant or slave driver; he is suppose to cherish her as his own flesh (notice how close that is). If you have to second guess the character you're marrying, then he might not be the one to submit yourself unto. But, if he proves himself worthy to lead & you still refuse, then it's you. If you look at the symbolism of a man proposing to his future bride, he is on his knee; that points to submission & him putting her needs & best interests before his own & she is submitting & trusting that he has her best interests at heart to glorify God. There are plenty of privilges in marriage that you'll NEVER have as a single female or mother. You just can't approach marriage w/ the attitude that you presently hold, because what you think will benefit YOU will really hurt the family UNIT. And, you might disregard this, because I am a man that has remained devoted to his wife DESPITE her personal selfishness, so I'm speaking from the so-called non-existent point of view....
Tom on July 22, 2012:
Why did you use a Taoist symbol for what you believe, in a posting about being Christian? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yin_and_yang
Sue on July 19, 2012:
Do you ever miss your freedom? I know you have given it away volntarily, but don't you miss it? Do you take advantage of yoursecular rights? I realize you must enjoy having no say in your own life, but does the husband/master give you some small amount of rights and privleges? How you you have any ability to change the direction of your household if you have absolutely no say in what goes on in it? I'm interested in what a sub wife has to say on the subject. To me, the idea of giving up all your rights and freedom is a drastic decision ( and likely the last decision you will ever make), and I just wondered what the motivation is. Do you enjoy not having to make decisions? I think it would be like going back to childhood-you may not have any rights, but no responsibility (except obeying the husband, parent, master). Do you celebrte Independence Day? Since youhave given up all freedom, I would think not, since itis a freedom holiday. Thanks.
Sundulous on May 03, 2012:
Wayne 2 months ago
Sundulous - I'd recommend you focus on what you need to do as a man of the household regardless of whether she accepts a submissive role. I don't think the most important thing to God is that women accept this role but that you to the best of your abilities lead the family in an unselfish Christian manner.
I'm not giving you a smart reply, but I've stated that I maintain the selfless manner of a Christian (with Jesus Christ as the standard) & she uses that to her advantage to not improve herself as a loving wife & while I don't agree with the approach that she has taken, it has not changed the fact that I take my vows to God very serious. Also, it doesn't change what God said that I am, regardless of any one individual and/or all that reside under my roof acknowledge this now or ever. Even with what has been given to me, I've strived for perfection DAILY.
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on April 20, 2012:
Yes, Bethany. Go to my profile and at the top (in the middle) there's a green button that says "follow." Click on that, and it will add me to your news feed on the homepage :)
BethanyLander on April 20, 2012:
Hey Everyday Miracles! I just finished reading this hub and I amazed that you can do this and not be unhappy. But it's your life and kudos to you for choosing to do this. I rated up. Is there a way I can follow you, like there is on Twitter?
Rich on April 04, 2012:
Thank you for the article. It's far more important than what you even discussed. Very sadly, I have only seen one or two women (actually one) who had a good concept of this and put it into practice. We served on a school board together, so she was no push over. We argued often because we had different views of some topics. I asked her if she argued with her husband like that. She said "no, I am glad to submit to him." Now, here's a woman that could really take charge in her house, She was very capable, but she recognized how the structure in her house was transformed because of her CHOICE to submit. She said that she gave input on decisions but when the final word came down, he ultimately made that decision, gave the home spiritual, financial and social direction. She knew that if he made mistakes, HE was responsible for fixing them and was answerable to God.
There was such an attractiveness apparent in her that I was captivated by her. If we both were not already married, I would have proposed. (That's nonsense, but it shows how strong that spiritual attraction was) There was not a hint of physical attraction.
Women, I am an employer, I fight with employees who want to do it there way. Once in a while, I get one who is submitted and has a good "attitude" It is such a blessing and makes things work so much better. I can sleep at night.
Your husband needs this, but you need it much more. You will find so much freedom and fulfillment in actually obeying God's word and becoming beautiful in attitude through voluntary submission. You will find a freedom you never thought possible. AND you will have a husband who is sooo blessed.
Brown Pride on March 20, 2012:
Lol. Reading a 19th century idea through a 21st century innovation. Irony.
Lovingwife on March 06, 2012:
I thought this article was very well written. I think you made a good point about this being your "choice." As a choice, women should feel free to pursue it. However, many men are not like your spouse and will abuse this role. Therefore, some women do not have the freedom nor the safety to make a choice like this. Most cases of domestic violence are by men who beleive ti is their right to treat their wives as objects or as property due to verses they quote from relgious texts. I work in a Domestic Abuse Clinic and this is almost always the case. This is where relgious views like this concerns me. Men use scripture to subjugate and dominate women or to keep them from pursuing anything that does not serve their own agenda.
Another point that I think is well worth pursuing is that some women do not have men who are financial providers and thereby they have to do more than just the household and childrearing duties. They have full time jobs along with the rest. Just because a man claims to espouse being a religious person does not mean that he is a good man and a good provider who has the compassion, knowledge and leadership skills to be effective in a dominant role. Also, just because a person is a certain gender does not mean that they are going to be a logical and strong leader or a maternal and tender submissive.
Thank you for a great article. I thought you were brave to write aobut this subject and I am so glad you are finding happiness and contentment in your own life. I respect you for your beliefs. After all, life is about making the right choices for us to have productive and healthy lives. That is why my husband and I play to our strengths in our relationship and are equal partners. However, I understand that this does not work for every couple.
DG on February 27, 2012:
God bless you sister. You should start a womens conference..
Joyce on February 26, 2012:
I found your article very interesting and I am very glad that you are happy in your lifestyle. Although,if your husband lost his job and no longer wanted to be the primary breadwinner, would you take on that role and still be submissive?
Linvinzin on February 20, 2012:
I enjoyed reading this. My home has been in chaos for years and I need to make a change. This has been my first article on researching this. I will be following your example.....
Wayne on February 15, 2012:
Sundulous - I'd recommend you focus on what you need to do as a man of the household regardless of whether she accepts a submissive role. I don't think the most important thing to God is that women accept this role but that you to the best of your abilities lead the family in an unselfish Christian manner.
Sundulous on February 02, 2012:
I really admire your courage to stand on God's Word. My wife doesn't quite have this concept as of yet. She, too, has been married before & wasn't submissive then, either. Her first husband wasn't saved, either, but it really didn't excuse the adultery (although, I can understand as a man how he felt from the constant rebellion). I am saved & my wife knows that I have the best interests of her & the family (she had a daughter & we have one together), but she still has a problem with submitting to me. I have given her NO REASON to think that I would ever cheat on her (as I promised her daughter before we had gotten married not to cheat on her & made the promise to God before men to love, honor & cherish her for all of my days). All this has done is gotten her comfortable to the point that she doesn't even try to improve herself for our marriage. I even asked her "What do you think you could do to improve yourself as it relates to our marriage?" Her answer; "I don't think I need to improve; I don't worry about you, because you can take care of yourself; it's the kids that need me." I told her that if I had answered that question as such, she would be offended, but as much as I try to be a man after God's heart, devoted husband & father, I still try to improve myself daily for her. Her lack of submission has confused the oldest daughter to the point of her not respecting authority & now she's pregnant. With all of this, I still love her & maintain my vows, but it's awesome to see that there are some women that actually want to follow God's Word. It gives me hope that one day, things will change. Excellent blog.
Faith 1oo% on January 27, 2012:
I really want to obey Gods word to be a submissive wife but find it hard to do sometimes pray for me that i can get it and do you might know ways that you did that might can help me.
Wayne on October 05, 2011:
Very powerful article. My new wife has chosen a path of submission to me also. As we dated it became more and more apparent she that she was growing more comfortable with the idea. I came from a previous marriage that was more "standard" it was a quite a shock to me. This was totally her idea and I now support her decision. I feel an awesome responsibility on my shoulders, but one that I know that I can handle for us. What I see as an absolute requirement is that both partners truly love and respect each other. The basis of being completely committed and caring is hugely important. This is not a simple repeat of a "1950's" marriage. She knows everything that is going on in our marriage. For instance I show her every bank statement, volunteer any text or email I receive. My phone stays out where she can easily see it, she knows my passwords to email accounts. I want her complete trust and hide nothing, except what she is getting for Christmas of course. LOL.
Thanks for the great article again.
Wayne Sanelli on August 14, 2011:
Great article and it does not mean that a good hear ted husband should not submit to his wife too. God told him he is the head and not the tail. It does not mean woman is less. God assigned roles. And we work together in the marriage. If a woman is not submitting and being fair God will hold that against her. When you disobey God don't complain and blame him when things go bad for everyone.Lots of times she does not take the blame. She does not like to own it. And I am sure there are amazing woman out there that have such blessed marriage because they believe in God. The problem is some don't really in their hearts/hearts/soul really believe it comes from God. So the blessings never come in the way it might have. Love each other/forgive each other/pray together/stay together and try and be like GOD! Try and listen/ask for guidance and treat each other with respect. It you curse him under your breath that is demonic. God knows about that! And don't insult her either and treat her like she is the Queen. If she yells run. He He.. Kidding. Love Unconditioned Love would be a blessings in some regard. Bless you Folks and come hear some nice tunes. Wayne Sanelli
Jj on August 08, 2011:
Wow to some of u who put her down or misunderstood her point and its her life shes not askin u to live it. From my point of viwe I dont agrea full heartly but the womens roll is in the home. To be there for her husben and kids
chan on July 03, 2011:
YOU ARE A BLESSING!
Naomi Starlight from Illinois on June 03, 2011:
I simply wonder what "peace" can be achieved in a marriage by giving one spouse free range to attack, intimidate, and bully everyone else in the household, who will only tearfully accept? And when we talk about equality, what we mean is equally sharing in decision making. Don't you think you deserve more, do you feel like you're listened to when you choose to voice an opinion when an important decision is being made, or do you let him and society silence you and talk down to you like a child? Does your choice to be submissive mean that you would tolerate mistreatment? That is not equality in any sense of the word. I think you've just fallen for a lot of propaganda about Christian womanhood that has no bearing on reality and doesn't make sense. I hope your marriage succeeds and that your life is harmonious and I think if you want to be submissive that's a valid choice, but I think you might be a little delusional in thinking that submissiveness automatically leads to peace and happiness.
Trey in Texas on May 31, 2011:
A warning, I am sure you know that the term submissive has been adopted by a very different group of people.. D/s If possible please make your title clear that what you are speaking of is far form what they preach.
As to Biblical submission.. All Christians submit to God but this does not mean we no longer make decisions. Christ did not teach of a fatalistic faith but one of both Reason and Love.
That you follow, and let another lead is a choice, but as a Christian there are places you can not follow so even as a follower you still make the ultimate decision each time you have to decide.. follow a person or follow God though Christ.
A husband is to love his wife even as Christ loved the Church to which he submitted himself to die on the cross to save. A husband must submit to his Wife in the same manner to be for her and with her to do only good and to forgive all in love.
I wish you the best, and hope you live a good and happy life.
curious on March 10, 2011:
I have a question about your perception of submission.
I love the peaceful picture you paint of a happy home, I really do. And for most women it would be very easy to be ‘submissive’ if that got them what they wanted. But being submissive means doing what you are told. Would you still be happy if he announce you were all moving to Siberia, to write the book he always wanted to write and you have to work there full time to support his passion? I am not being sarcastic, and I am not assuming that you would not. But you didn’t mention anything in your article about the challenges of being submissive when submitting to laws you do not like?
Or would you only be submissive to a husband who submitted you to doing things you like?
Submissive wife on February 07, 2011:
As a submissive wife, your words represent how we all feel about our place in our household. We become submissive wives to our husbands, not out of fear or weakness but out of love. Being submissive is much more than being a weak woman, we bring to our household the blissfulness and love that arguments, and fights would take away from our relationship.
Strong Man on January 28, 2011:
Very well put. Enjoyed the videos and the resources as well.
A woman's respect for her husband allows him to be strong.
Denise Handlon from North Carolina on January 23, 2011:
Interesting hub. My first husband cheated on me. Should I have been submissive and turned the other cheek? If he had been a leader in his home, a righteous man, I may have submitted. I did, for six years and two children. His continuous disregard and disrespect forced me into a choice for a divorce in hopes to be an example to my daughters that, as women, they did not have to be devalued and disrespected. I submit now...to my God and my Truth. It works for me in the most delightful, joy filled life I could have never imagined for myself. Do I submit to a man in a relationship? Not automatically, not necessarily, and definitately, not unless Truth guides me to do so. It's been a life of learning and a school of hard knocks for me to understand the true relationship I have, will always have, and love having, which is the one I have with God.
Glad to read that submission works for you.
mercurialmaven from Reston, VA on December 30, 2010:
Even though I am not Christian, I did appreciate this article. I too have chosen the path of submission when it comes to my relationship with my fiancée and while things aren't always roses, we have the kind of harmony and synergy many of my friends think is just a "honey moon phase."
Some thing submission is difficult and in some aspects it is, especially when you grow up surrounded by messages that tell you not to submit. Submission has given me the ability to truly nurture him and myself in a way that "equality" (I catch what you mean when you use the term) never did.
Once again, fantastic article! Thank you for sharing!
adod on December 29, 2010:
I realize everyone has their own interpretation of what submission is...I don't see how but we should not be forming our own ideas on what submission is because it is stated in the bible clear as day.. Having said that, it's not a choice God is giving us, it's his will and when people stop putting their own beliefs and taking bits and pieces from the bible to justify their disobedience I think marriages will be better off. Use the text and not your own opinion, because if it were your choice he would of stated that. Not knowing is one thing but knowing your role as a wife and still putting "my choice" contradicts this. We have the choice to be obedient & we have the choice to not live our lives in Gods ways and on judgment day we will have to deal with that. There is no room for interpretations because it creates too much confusion. Live your life by the text rather than your own opinions.
banzaradiwana from Calcutta,INDIA on December 13, 2010:
hi EM just read your hub.felt that your thoughts were steeped in some divine spirituality...take care & have a nice day :)
Dawn Michael from THOUSAND OAKS on November 08, 2010:
Hi, just had to read and comment since I wrote the counter hub on dominant males and got bashed by others. I get what you are saying and I to had a strong mother figure, but my dad was also strong too, so it was interesting. In my home it started off with me being a typical controling wife, but once we had kids and I quit my job, I began to appericate my husband and the fact that he worked so hard to make it possible for me to stay home and raise the kids, so I say hats off to all the men who work their butts off to support their family. the women that are smart will make their man feel like a man and that man will slay dragons for her.
Great job explaining your point.
American Tiger on November 08, 2010:
What an exceptionally beautiful Hub, dear lady. My only regret is that I've just now stumbled onto it.
It is a sad commentary that you had to apologize for writing it, several times during its writing.
I hub on Masculine Dominance (I'm hardly qualified to discuss feminine submission, much as I love it) and I've discovered the biggest obstacle in people's minds is their misconception about the very concept.
Dominant men are NOT abusive. Weak little boys wanting to appear dominant (I call it being domineering) and doing it completely wrong, are the abusers.
I myself am stronger than my children and their mother. I feel NO NEED WHATSOEVER to "prove" to them, what is patently obvious. Non-dominant little weasels might get that urge, but genuinely Dominant men never do.
Why is that such a hard concept for some people to grasp?
breakingnews from Pakistan on October 01, 2010:
This is a fascinating hub, and thanks for presenting it so well.
alphonsians93 from Cebu Philippines on July 29, 2010:
WOW!! If it is for the best of the relationship! There is nothing to worry about!!
Superb work of art!!! This is a very interesting topic!!! lots of learning and good insights!!!!
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on July 16, 2010:
Thank you Justin. God's way is the *only* way. Being a stay at home mother is hardly a lazy path. It's a lot of work taking care of my child, keeping the house, and doing everything I can to earn money from home. I hardly think that makes me lazy.
It takes an incredible strength of character to be a submissive woman, and an incredible strength of character for a man to step up to the plate and be the spiritual leader of the household.
I know where my spot in heaven is. I wonder if those who oppose my viewpoints do, as well? I'm equal to my husband in every way. I am a joint heir to the kingdom of God. I am a piece of Him who created me, the softer, more gentle side. I have my husband's umbrella of protection over me. And I love it, and so does he.
Those of you who have sought out this hub in order to ridicule me have a serious problem, in my eyes. It always amazes me how people will look to find these types of articles so that they can spread their feminist propaganda.
Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it. It is just so obvious to me who the bitter ones are in this argument. I'm not calling anyone "retarded."
Justin on July 14, 2010:
Most of you are ready to attack this woman and leave sarcastic remarks.
She believes in the scripture as it is written.
SHE HAS A MARRIAGE THAT WORKS!
Some of you were "the man" in the relationship, some of you were both, some of you are STILL hard headed and do not pay attention like the women who wrote this. You have to work on YOURSELF FIRST. YOU have to work on yourself first.
How do you do that you submit to God.
I am a Man. Do you hear me?
I am a Man. I am pleased to hear that Women are working on being submissive. This gives men more incentive to be submissive to God to be better leaders.
indignant on July 11, 2010:
it is because of people like you that is propagating the inequality of women around the world. Why should women be the one to submit? They say women and men are equal, regardless of whom submits to whom. well why dont make men submit to women for a change and see whether they have a problem with it....im sure they would....submissive women are lazy sloths who sit back in submission and let their man take charge just because they are too lazy to take responsibility for themselves and their lives ! honestly, what's wrong with having to work if ur a woman???? ur still feeding urself..i know this is ur post and ur entitled to make your own choices and judgement whatever, but u must be retarded if you do not expect to get slammed when making an article that PROPAGATES INEQUALITY OF WOMEN....i shall keep my comments to myself when YOU KEEP YOUR SUBMISSIVE OPINIONS TO YOURSELF.
Michelle on May 10, 2010:
I was married for 12 years and have a 14 year old son from that marriage.. unfortunately, it didn't work and we are now divorced and I am preparing to get remarried in 5 months. In my first marriage I was the only one that worked, my husband was in and out of jail and I was the one that did everything, I was "the man" I wore the pants and I knew it, at times this affected our marriage negatively as sub consciously, I felt resentful that the burden fell on me, I was a young mother, stressed out not only with bills but my situation in general. In the end my ex told me that I immasculated him with my behavior, that being said, my new husband to be is COMPLETELY different. He works, contributes to the household not only financially but he really does put in the work, the hard work, the cleaning, the cooking, washing of clothes, he is truly my partner in all respects, however he is hard, and in every sense of the word considers himself "the man" of the house, it took some time for me to adjust to this as all my adult life I rejected being "told what to do" etc. this created and still from time to time creates arguments, but I have learned over the last two years that to respect your husband's wishes is important, you can't always be the independent, bossy woman you think you should be, that sometimes its ok to let HIM make some decisions, it's ok to respect his wishes despite of what ppl might think of you, I feel safer now than I ever did with my ex, when I was in control. I just find that others (girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc.) think that maybe you are being pushed around or told what to do, and it then reflects negatively on him as a man? how is that if im choosing this lifestyle? We are all christian women? but yet it's still not accepted?
Hi-Jinks from Wisconsin on February 28, 2010:
You need to get out more. In the Bible, women have No rights. You are a slave, first, second, and lastly. Life is too short to be someone's footstool.
The Bible was written by men with too much time on their hands, and you know what idle hands do?
Holy Hunter from Alberta, Canada on February 08, 2010:
wow in my marriage, it's all 50-50. we both clean and do the dishes, i worked for 3 years and now I am home with the kids and she is working.
Mike Lickteig from Lawrence KS USA on December 15, 2009:
EM, there is so much to absorb and think about in this hub and in the responses of the many folks who read it. For those who disagreed with your perspective, their comments still seemed caring and I hope you were able to see through the differences in opinion and note how much even the folks who disagreed wanted to be helpful and/or supportive. You did indeed bare your soul here, and most responses here, whether in agreement with your point of view or not, seemed offered in the spirit of wanting to encourage you.
We are what we are, and the comments of others will not change you. Nor should they sway you, it is your life and your opinions and perspectives are well considered. If your statements were rash and impulsive, it might be different.
It will be interesting to see where life's journey takes you next. I hope you continue to share with us to the extent you are comfortable, and thank you for your post.
segesege on November 25, 2009:
Everyday Miracle, i must confess that it gladdens my heart to read this your blog. May you continue to grow in the grace of our Lord Jesus. My little concern is that you feel too apologetic for this truth you are holding on to. I dont think this should be the case. What you believe is the truth and the way of the Lord.
You dont have to feel sorry or soft about it. If women are proud about being porn stars, why should you not be bold to say that you are living according to the word of God.
Moreover, the life of love and submission that Bible talks about is not for everyone but only for those who have Christ living in their hearts. It's for Christian marriage. Anyone who truly knows the Lord would love His word. Jesus says if you love me you will keep my Words. It's not optional for Christians and we are happy and proud to follow the way of the Lord. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. God bless you, everyday Miracles.
bspark from Seattle, WA on October 30, 2009:
Wow, very informative, thorough, and insightful. I, too, believe in submission. I am the epitome of 21st Century lifestyle (being gungho about strong, independent woman), but I also believe our husbands are the head of the house. As strong as any woman can be, they should support and encourage their husbands in every way. It is his God-given role to be the man of the home and family. Keep your faith strong and keep writing out your convictions! More power to you.
anony on September 20, 2009:
"He has the right to order food for me at a restaurant, and I in fact usually ask him what I'm getting. He usually asks me in return what I want ;)" Sounds like game playing to me. (Although I usually order first at a restaurant, and he almost always orders the same.)
My husband and I are both not religious, so Christian male dominance is not relevant to us. We have been married 24 years (one child) and love each other dearly. He is my best friend, and I am his. Neither one of us is in charge and we make decisions together, even though he is very aggressive and a "take charge" kind of guy, both profesionally and personally. My husband has said he would not like to have a "submissive" wife. He wants someone who says what she thinks, even if it conflicts with his opinion. I don't think he could stand a typical submissive wife who wants him to make all the decisions. And he doesn't need, or want to, to have the final say on everything. So despite what some would like to believe, there are many thriving marriages where the wife is not submissive. Not that your marriage situation is not right for you, it just isn't the answer for everyone.
Leslie Broussard on September 03, 2009:
You have an awesome hub here! Words cannot express my appreciation for your thoughtful expression of how I have felt for years.
I, too, am not at all interested in the tactics by many women today to back-handedly manipulate their men. I find it deplorable, honestly.
I find my home to be a haven of peace, joy and love every time I choose to submit to God's Will.
Thank you for your post. God bless you!
thevoice from carthage ill on August 11, 2009:
great hub remember a couple truths you are love equallty by God because God made all people unique. It took great courage yet God gave birth to women as well as men God will not love you any less because you are first foremost a human child of God Jesus the holy spirit by human holy birth glad I read I wish you happiness mike
Kebennett1 from San Bernardino County, California on July 26, 2009:
Bravo! It is nice to see that someone else sees the true value of being a submissive wife! And as a Christian Woman who is married to a Christian man I never worry about being treated less than...or unfairly or badly in anyway. As God meant it to be, just as I respect my husband, he respects me. He does not abuse his authority over me. He takes care of me, actually he spoils me :). We still discuss things but he always has the final say and I respect that. I have no problem with it because he makes decisions that are good and healthy for our family. Being a submissive wife is not a bad thing at all, I don't know why people think it is? I can still have an opinion, do things I like to do, have things I like to have etc, but I respect my husbands authority over our household and if he says it is not a good idea right now, then there is a good reason for it! I love his guidance, it shows me how much he cares about me and our family. And how much he loves God.
L Izett from The Great Northwest on June 10, 2009:
I had the opposite experience as you. My mother was a stay-at-home submissive christian wife and after 18 years of marriage she got dumped- without a job, without a husband (my father cheated on her), and without a personal identity. The submissive thing didn't work for my mom even with God in our home.
You are right- not everyone will agree with you- I don't for sure. I went the other way of submission after viewing my home life as a child.
Until 1 year ago I was career woman and now I stay home with my young daughter, but now that staying home is my "job", I believe I know more about it than my husband. If he wants to make decisions that he is more knowledgeable about, then that's fine with me. But the home life and our child is my expertise right now- not his. I think that is better for the family.
Also, I would quit my job if my boss wasn't more knowledgeable in the field than I am- I've had that happen and I've quit because I won't follow someone who doesn't know more than I do about the field or area of expertise. So you say your husband is like the "boss" of the family but I bet you know more than him concerning your household and family life. So letting him think he is the boss is kinda manipulation.
i commend you for writing on this subject and I enjoyed your writing.
Submissive too on May 28, 2009:
Here is a very interesting married Christian couple.
James A Watkins from Chicago on May 15, 2009:
I am exceedingly glad I discovered you today. You are a fine writer and the subject you addressed is easily misunderstood. You explicated it wonderfully. God will bless you for your faithful service.
Bee Happy on May 15, 2009:
Wow! I am a newbie here, and just beginning to try to read others hubs. I'm not sure how to find time to do the reading and the writing required. But, this is such an interesting hub. Thanks for giving us your viewpoint on such an important thing in life.
Having been a wife of one husband for over 45 years, I can say that our love and our marriage has only grown stronger as I have allowed myself to be in subjection to my husband. It hasn't always been easy, as I have had a tendency to be controlling.
A controlling woman makes it difficult for her husband to be the man God would have him be. That is, the spiritual leader in the home. The plan is perfect because it was made by the Perfect Planner.
God's ways are higher than man's ways. He gave us a free choice in everything, but if we use that choice to rebel against Him, then His perfect plan will not work as it was meant to work. And we will be the poorer because of the bad choice.
The first couple Adam and Eve, had problems when the woman went against God's will and then talked the man into doing the same. This caused them much trouble. God, in his wisdom, knew that it is best for the man to be the leader of the home and the spiritual leader of the family.
Someone said what if the husband is abusive? Abuse is illegal. No one has to be in subjection to abuse. An abused person should seek legal help and remove his/herself from the abuse until it is taken care of.
When the husband and wife both do their part to obey God and his plan, it is a beautiful thing. Ephesians 5:28-29 says "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies: he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."
As the years have passed, I always knew subjection was best, but my controlling nature got in my way sometimes. Those times did not help my marriage in the long run I finally realized the wisdom in God's plan and my husband and I are much happier than we could have ever been if I had constantly struggled to get my way. He is reasonable and willing to listen to my side before coming to decisions. Once in a while I don't get my way. It isn't any big deal if I don't. He often sacrifices what he really wants so that I can have what he knows I want and I do the same for him.
For those wives who have husbands who are not what they shousd be, your shining example of what you should be can influence him, without a word. That is part of God's plan, also.
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 14, 2009:
It's actually something I learned not that long ago that it's easier and better for both of us if I just make decisions as they need to be made. Without going into too much depth, his attitude is that he doesn't want to lead until I'm following -- doesn't work that way, unfortunately.
I honestly think he's just getting more comfortable in his skin. I know that this is what he wants because we met based on a mutual interest in domination/submission and/or HoH relationships. We would never have been in the same place at the same time otherwise :)
I think that it's honestly a matter of finding your feet, you know?
You're right though, I do need to revisit the hub. Darned if it's not in the middle of the challenge (which is already overwhelming me) though. I'll get it in June I'm sure. In the meantime I'll have to hope that people read the comments lol
Kate Swanson from Sydney on May 14, 2009:
Thanks for the detailed reply. Maybe it would be a good idea to revisit the Hub, because I got a different picture from it and some of your other comments, than I got from your reply. For instance, you mentioned somewhere that you discuss things together before reaching a decision - now do I understand you'd be happy for him to decide, but you end up discussing it because he isn't comfortable with deciding alone?
I know your decision to be submissive is religious, but it concerns me a little that your husband sounds uncomfortable your interpretation of submissiveness. In your first marriage, you adopted a mode of behaviour that didn't match what your husband wanted. Be careful that you're not doing the same in this marriage.
For instance, you say he always asks for your opinion (what do you want to eat, what's your view on x) before making his decisions. It sounds as though making decisions alone is a burden for him. If you were truly submissive, your goal should be to make life easy for him, not to play a game of submission. So you would always promptly and economically advise your preference, (followed by a statement like "but I defer to your decision"), instead of wasting his time with a display of submission, when you know you're going to be asked anyway.
Of course if the display of submission is part of an erotic game which your husband also enjoys, then who am I to suggest any changes to it :)
I may be completely wide of the mark here, and I apologise if so. I can see that this topic is something you're still wrestling with yourself, so I thought it would be worth mentioning my "gut feel" of what I think I'm reading between the lines.
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 14, 2009:
Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on May 14, 2009:
I like the comment about not having to accept the man's repsonsibility.
The verse translated as "Let them (women) be quiet in church", our pastor and our church's college's Bible language professors told us was is "Don't make them talk if they don't want to" in the original text. (It was the men's responsibility in that instance.)
The other class I was in was in another state, but I will be receiving some more books from them soon. I will email them and ask about Obey and Submit more thoroughly.
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 14, 2009:
countrywomen, I'm so far behind in the challenge! LOL! I wrote a LONG hub earlier only to delete it because I discovered it didn't make sense. LOL!
I believe that the key component to making a marriage last is simply dedication :)
countrywomen from Washington, USA on May 14, 2009:
EM- I was stating things from my personal observations based on my limited experiences in life so far (in my last 26 years of existence).
I have seen many marriages where oaths are taken in front of God/Priests of "till death do us apart and together in sickness/health" but those marriages are just as likely to fail as those which were performed in a secular fashion. I personally feel for a marriage it takes two persons to work it out. And if God binds people along the way then that is great but if God is the only binding force then Good luck.
I also believe in Karma but in a way different from those who absolutely believe in God. My father believes if one does good things then God(for him Vishnu) would reward us with good results but I believe if we do the right things at the right time then we would get right results (good). And also he says 99% is in our hands and 1% is in God's hands but I prefer to attribute that 1% to Chance/Luck for success in life. So far touchwood I have never been in a situation where I felt that God was guiding me but I certainly feel blessed to have a wonderful family along with a wonderful husband now. I hope and wish for you also to be happy. Have a great day. And good luck with the hub challenge. :-)
Ransomed on May 14, 2009:
Very good hub, and well written. The role of a wife is so often overlooked in our culture. Thank you for sharing the Biblical context, because her job is crucial to the health of a strong family. As it is with all of God's commands, I have to ask, if God designed womanhood and marriage, doesn't it make sense that he knows how it works best?
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 14, 2009:
@Marisa -- I have spent over an hour contemplating your comments, putting them in a certain order, and then picking them back up again as I formulate my responsive thoughts. You've challenged me in a really big way, and to me, that involves four steps in order to engage in a decent/reasonable discussion.
The first is that I need to acknowledge your statements, feelings, and my agreement or disagreement of what you've said. I'll do that now :D
Sitting down during the time of the morning I usually take for prayer and meditation, I gave a lot of thought to what you said regarding "definitions of submission" and what I found interesting is that I understand precisely where you're coming from. Certainly, there are women who would call your position "subservience" rather than "submission" but I'm one of those women who sits on the fence. I don't know that our definitions are really all that different, ultimately: rather it is the implementation of our definitions that may look different. As I am wont to say "your mileage may vary" (YMMV).
The second thing I wanted to do (though not entirely necessary) is to engage the subject a bit further with you, because I think it's interesting.
I have noticed that in HoH style relationships that I get "weird looks" if you will. My friends in this "lifestyle" look at me and understand that I'm struggling. Because I talk to them, rather than, effectively "at" them (by creating a hub) and we communicate in a way that is different than back and forth replies, they know that I'm trying to reach a deeper place than where I am right now. They also know more of my background than I feel is appropriate for Hubpages (i.e. Google might not approve of it, if that makes sense). My friends know the difference between what I *want* and what I *have* because it's much easier to have an open dialogue with someone you know is coming at you from a point of understanding rather than a point of contention.
I am not "surrendered" to my husband (a word I might define in the way you define "submissive"). I look at the root of "submissive" as "to submit." This means that if my husband gives an instruction, I am 90% of the time obedient (though not perfect ;) ). If he has a preference, I am more than willing to surrender to his preference. He has the right to order food for me at a restaurant, and I in fact usually ask him what I'm getting. He usually asks me in return what I want ;)
Then comes the "defending my position" part of the reply.
I have said this so many times in so many different venues: I submit to what HE wants. If he wants me to make a decision, then I am submitting by being the one to make that decision. If he wishes to put me before himself (as the Bible says he should do), then that is his right as well (and should be).
He has argued, on more than one occasion, that he would lead more if I followed more. The trouble is that in order to follow one must truly be led. I am honestly not sure what he's looking for, and when asked he becomes frustrated and says that neither does he. He wants to be the head of his household, but I am not sure he quite understands how. He grew up with a single (aggressive) mother and three sisters who were manipulative and often unkind. He's been under the heel of women for most of his life. His second wife used "submission" to mask manipulation (as I feel is often the case). These things can truly rock a man's confidence to the core. We're working, together, to create the household that we want for our family -- on that is balanced and peaceful. I believe that it will come, but that it's going to take time and healing on both sides. He's been hurt, and I think that (as you said on another one of my hubs) it takes time to heal from those wounds.
@countrywomen -- During the time that my husband and I were, I suppose you could say, "courting," I was a Goddess-worshipping pagan. I'm not sure exactly how much you know about the modern pagan practice, so forgive me for re-iterating that these cultures are very female-dominated. I was very comfortable with a female deity because I was *un*comfortable with paternal headship.
The odd thing is that I continually sought out paternal headship. I've been in several relationships with men significantly older than myself (including my first husband -- 13 years!) and have continually sought to submit. My father could be aggressive and he could be mean, but "dominant" isn't the word I'd use to describe him.
Perhaps, in some ways, I have sought to heal my past. I can't honestly say for sure. What I can say is that this is something powerful that has been with me even when I lived in a "female dominated society" of sorts.
I hope it isn't inappropriate to add that part of it is... Well, the erotic aspects of male dominance and strength that do it for me? ;)
@Patty Inglish, MS -- I am pondering re-writing the entire hub. I came at this from an emotional point of view and am surprised it doesn't show more than it does (those with whom I've discussed the hub itself say it doesn't). I sought to explain ME, not US, and I think that several people have called me on the carpet about this. I think it would be wise to re-write and expand.
Since you brought up translations, I think it would also be interesting to get the original translations of the words for "submit" and "obey" as that is a very interesting point.
I wish to add, in general, that my own, perhaps inept, attempt at pointing out that the Bible gives men responsibility in leadership is the fact that I pointed out I'd rather be a woman who didn't have a man's responsibilities. I might not have succeeded, but I tried lol
Thank you all for the comments! You've given me great ways to improve this hub!
Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on May 14, 2009:
I much appreciate the coments suggesting that Christian marriage involves three people, not two: Jesus, husband, and wife; and how the husband is to treat the wife as Jesus cared for the church. I've taken classes in the original language versions of the Old and New Testament and leanred this also:
The original Hebrew word "helpmeet" means that the exact same help as from God - mighty, powerful defense and uplifting of the husband. The meaning of the English word helpmeet changed at the time of the King James Bible, to mean "servant." The freedom that treh Christian marriage allows the wife to submit to Jesus Christ through the husband, who is to her what Jesus is to the Church and he submits to God's powerful help through her.
The image we were given in class was of a husband doing God's will and the mission God gave him for himself and family, with a wife not only sumitting to her husband, but armored against destructive forces form the outside with the full armor of God and a flashing sword like a warring angel. There is nothing negative about this sumission(s) on any side.
In addition, we saw that the Hebrew word-picture (letters) for marriage contain God's Name and the words husband/man and wife/woman and when you remove the Name of God from the marriage, you are left with word pictures that mean 'fire" and "teeth." Some people think it's coincidence; I do not.
Thank you for comments that resonate with me.
countrywomen from Washington, USA on May 14, 2009:
EM- Most of the folks who become deeply religious either have endured very troubled times or have reached a saturation point as far as sensory enjoyments is concerned. Of course in India most of the folks are religious because thats all they have grown up in (i.e., not knowing if there is any choice in that matter).
Now coming to submission I feel that after a very bad experience (like bad marriage or childhood) then going from one end of the spectrum to the other end may seem like the solution. My parents were both religious but never forced there views on me. And also my parents always encouraged independent thinking. And before my marriage I made it a point to let my husband know that I am not very religious either which he didn't mind at all. I guess there are good marriages and some not so good marriages. Following religious doctrines aren't a guarantee in fact if wrongly administered could be a cause for failed marriages. If something works for you then that's great but using religious texts selectively to make women submissive is pretty common across many religions. But still I am happy to know that its working out for you and you are happy now. :D
Kate Swanson from Sydney on May 13, 2009:
I was horrified to read the advice you'd been given by "friends" in your first marriage. It's sad there are women who see their husband as the opponent in some kind of contest, who must be manipulated into doing what they want. I don't see how that could ever lead to a truly happy, successful and long-lasting relationship.
Reading some of your comments, though, I'm not sure if your meaning of "submissive" is anything like mine. You're not being submissive if you discuss important decisions and resolve them together. You're not being submissive if you've agreed to divide the household chores fairly between you. That's not submission, that's equality! Can you give an example of where you actually submit to his will without your own voice being heard?
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 13, 2009:
CennyWenny, that's how my mom sees it, I think. I remember her once saying (seriously) that I had to work full time, be a full time mom, cook the meals, clean the house and take care of my husband.
She did all of that, truth be told. But that's just not me. I burn out too easily. I was lucky to find a man who agrees with me about these things. We're a good balance, the two of us :)
CennyWenny from Washington on May 13, 2009:
I am not against submission in a marriage, but I think gender roles have changed over the years in such a way that the role of woman as a support and helpmeet in the home, like you mentioned later in the hub, has blown up into woman becoming the one who brings home the bacon, cooks it, and washes the dishes, and rubs her husband's feet afterwards. I have a great desire to encourage my husband and soothe his wounds after work, but I also work 40+ hours a week too, and am EXPECTED to even after we have children, mostly due to my husband's spending habits. Nor am I the only woman I know in a marriage/relationship like that. Many men are used to women working because their mothers did, and I personally find that the whole concept of "providing for the family" and being a man just doesn't exist among many men my age (Gen Y). Of course, generalizations are never good, it's just an observation I have had. I see no problem with traditional genders roles like the "submissive" wife, but both parties (husband and wife) have to play their roles, or else the burden becomes entirely lopsided.
As always I enjoyed your Hub!
Cindy Vine from Cape Town on May 13, 2009:
Hey EM, basically you're writing about being a domestic goddess. When I was married, I did this whole submissive thing as well., We were very involved in the Church. Unfortunately, when the man does not treat you with respect but rather as a doormat, it doesn';t work. He has to play his part for this to work as God intended.
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 13, 2009:
shibashake: You're right in both regards, especially in the first case about it being unconscious. I will work on that later and try to work it out a bit. I think that part of me got a bit riled up and angry as I wrote. Especially considering that you got out of it that the friend caused the divorce (I didn't meet her until a year ago and divorced seven years ago!).
When I wrote this yesterday I was feeling... Yes, very defensive. While I don't think that there is anything wrong (at all) with a woman's submission, there is definitely the part of me that feels as though for years I've been having to defend my point of view, mainly because it began *long* before I became a Christian. A secular woman choosing to submit to a man is considered a huge anomaly these days.
So sure, I feel defensive. I guess I'm just not "past" that point yet, even though it's been most of my life. Perhaps something I need to work on, or through, with others who take a similar standpoint.
Thanks for the criticism (nicely put, I might add) and I will fix the first part when I get a chance some time in June lol
shibashake on May 13, 2009:
This is a very well written hub on a very interesting topic. I enjoyed it very much as well as the comments afterwards.
There are however two things that jumped out that me:
1. There seems to be an unconscious (I think) association throughout the entire article of more dominant or assertive women with negative qualities. For example, your more dominant mom nagged, or your more dominant friend manipulated.
There is also an underlying suggestion of blame towards the more dominant female parties (e.g. your mom drove your dad to drink, your friend's advice partly caused the divorce, etc.)
2. The article seems to be written from a defensive position - in the sense of - female submission is generally a bad thing but let me explain to you why it is right for me.
I think the roles of submission and dominance in a relationship are often fluid. I also do not think that submission is somehow better or worse than dominance, or somehow more right or more wrong.
I think an interesting discussion can be had by simply laying out the advantages and disadvantages of both without attributing any false negativity or moral judgement on either.
Please note that this is just my opinion and not anything more :)
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 13, 2009:
Brenda, there are controlling men of every faith. I know many men who try to control their women regardless of whether or not their women submit voluntarily. And control also works in several different ways, including controlling a woman by forcing her to take on the role of head of household (if she doesn't want it). I have a friend like that, actually.
I guess I'm just very blessed :)
\Brenda Scully on May 13, 2009:
then your husband is much easier to be in subjection to than mine, your husband is not controling then..... Are there any in your religion that have controling husbands, how do they handle being submissive.... p.s. not saying my husband is controling he just would have an opinion on everything I asked him .....
Becki Rizzuti (author) from Indiana, USA on May 13, 2009:
He's scanning them, Brenda. He hasn't given an opinion on them one way or the other. I'm not sure there's much of an opinion to be had. We've just always been this way ;)
C. Ferreira: I'm sure we will lol
C.Ferreira from Rutland, VT on May 13, 2009:
Em...I'm glad that you feel that way about my response. I may disagree, but I do not have to be disrespectful. You have also been very cordial throughout this "argument". Perhaps we will have more in the future! lol
\Brenda Scully on May 13, 2009:
just wondering is your husband reading these hubs, if so does he like them...