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Why Nobody's Talking About the VAERS Data on the Covid Vaccines

Shane is a freelance writer, independent researcher, comedian and sarcastic jackass. He's worked in media and entertainment for 20+ years.

vaers-data

Great question. Let’s talk about it.

And to prove I’m secretly gunning for John Oliver’s job, I’m gonna do this in my best John Oliver impression. (If you don’t watch Last Week Tonight, that’s means Emmy Award-winning levels of research and analysis peppered in with copious amounts of absurd nonsense and non sequiturs to make the information easier to digest.) If you do watch the show, read this in your head in Oliver’s voice and tell me it’s not a spot-on impression. I’ve included a helpful graphic as a visual aid.

"Wait, you're not SERIOUSLY about to copy my entire format, you wanker...are you?"

"Wait, you're not SERIOUSLY about to copy my entire format, you wanker...are you?"

Shut up, John. I sure as hell am.

Here goes...


Our MAIN story tonight concerns VAERS. Specifically: What it is, what it does, how it does it, why it does it that way, and what conclusions we can draw from the information it provides.

To start with, VAERS is an acronym that stands for Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System. This is not to be confused with the V.A.E.R.S. Certification that's a mandatory requirement for securing your own prime time show over at Fox News, which is Vacuous Asinine Erratic Rage Syndrome.

"I'm yelling because I'm awake!!!"

"I'm yelling because I'm awake!!!"

VAERS is a system set up by the CDC to track data related to the administration of vaccines. While the CDC is busy tracking data on the effects, complications, hospitalization, and deaths related to diseases; VAERS tracks data on the effects, complications, hospitalization, and deaths related to the vaccines for those diseases.

Now, we would be remiss in our journalistic duties not to acknowledge all the reports that have surfaced over the last 18 months about the CDC possibly inflating the number of deaths related to COVID. We’ve all heard those by now – a middle aged man, suffering through a midlife crisis, is rushed to the ER with a bad case of “having shards of a broken skateboard lodged in the side of his head,” and his attending physician reports to the CDC that the man died from COVID.

Covid strikes again.

Covid strikes again.

And while a good many of those reports can simply be dismissed as baseless rumors, urban legends, poorly-punctuated memes that went viral, or Tucker Carlson, some of those cannot. They are a very real thing. So the question we now have to ask ourselves is, why is that a thing?

Why are they tallying up data that might not actually be data???

Fortunately for us, while the CDC was noticeably quiet on the matter back when they were just contending with the virus itself, now that VAERS is tracking vaccine data on top of it, they’re actually explaining how and why this happens: When we’re dealing with an emergency, we simply don’t have time to check in and verify every single report that come across our desk. So, while we’d all like to “hope for the best,” we also have to “plan for the worst.” That means treating each and every single report that comes in as if it’s a real thing. If all 774,000 reported COVID deaths actually are the results of COVID, we need to know that!

Kind of like if Kim Jong Un suddenly announced he was going to attack Seattle with his entire fleet of naval ships [that actually float], it shouldn’t matter that one report says he’s managed to build five of those, while another report suggests it might only be three. Seattle’s official emergency response unit – ANTIFA – needs to be prepared in the eventuality it really is five boats. If they’ve only got enough soldiers for three, they’ve got to call in reinforcements from their sister lodge in Portland. The CDC has not been trying to trick you, deceive you, lie to you, or fear-monger you to death with misinformation – again, that’s Tucker Carlson’s job – they’re simply trying to calculate the proper response on the off chance that the Worse Case Scenario is actually what’s happening.

(Also, it turned out to be only one boat…which was just an unmanned raft constructed from repurposed Kia Sorento side panels and pine cones with a North Korea flag duct taped to it, mostly rusted, partially sunk, and also on fire. Because of course it was.)

"It's an invasion!"

"It's an invasion!"

VAERS does the exact same thing.

They tell patients, parents, doctors, providers, and hospitals, “Don’t worry about vetting the reports, or substantiating causal effects, or dragging that DIY Home Autopsy Kit up out of your basement. Simply send us every report on any symptoms, side effects, adverse reactions or deaths anyone experienced after receiving the vaccine (the people who experienced death are not required to file their own reports), and we will treat each and every single one of them as if they are all potentially legit.” Healthcare providers are required by law to file such reports, and the general public is encouraged to do so as they see fit.

And since the VAERS reporting form is open to the public, you could conceivably go down to Walmart and get the jab, come home and sneak into your neighbors house to shave their cat as a hilarious prank, break out into sudden fit of sneezing, and then go file a report of “flu-like allergic reaction immediately after receiving the vaccine.” The CDC isn’t going to ask you, “Are you sure the sneezing wasn’t maybe cat-related?” they’re simply gonna catalog it under “allergic reaction.” Their philosophy is that it’s better to admit someone who might not belong than to exclude someone who definitely does (a strategy otherwise known as “the exact freaking opposite of our immigration policy.”)

"Vaccine side effects" commencing in 3...2...1...

"Vaccine side effects" commencing in 3...2...1...

Or if granny was slated to die of old age on Thursday, got the vaccine on Wednesday, then went ahead and criaked right on schedule, her family is allowed to report it to the CDC as a post-vaccine death.

Then they publish those figures to the public, the public reads up to the part that contains the information they wanted to hear, and then half of the population loses their crackers because they stopped reading the report half way through a sentence, which is the part that explained the context of the figures they’d just memorized and immediately Photoshopped onto a picture of Dr. Fauci’s face to upload to Twitter.

Nobody is safe. [citation needed]

Nobody is safe. [citation needed]

So let’s look at a single one of these Adverse Effects figures: Miscarriages.

According to the CDC website, 13% of pregnant women who received at least one dose of the vaccine have reported a miscarriage. That is an incredibly significant finding!!! WHY ISN’T THIS BEING TALKED ABOUT?!?!?

The reason it’s not being talked about is because that 13% figure strongly suggests that there’s no causal effect at all between the vaccine and miscarriages.

How does that even remotely make sense, you ask?

Because VAERS isn’t looking at that data in a vacuum. They’re comparing it to another specific data point they have on record: the percentage of women who experience miscarriages under normal circumstances. If you bother to read past the comma, you discover that, on an annual basis, 11-16% of all pregnancies result in a miscarriage. That’s an average of 13.5% a year. That means in any given year, you can accurately predict that there will be a 13.5% miscarriage rate that year, with a +/- 2.5% margin of error.

You could literally pick any occurrence that might happen over the course of a year – it could be decorating the Christmas tree, having your tires rotated, or watching your husband beat up the referee of a 6-year old soccer game for whistling your kid off side when it was an iffffffy call at best – doesn’t matter the event.

"Are you reffing a kids soccer game or running an ABORTION CLINIC?!?"

"Are you reffing a kids soccer game or running an ABORTION CLINIC?!?"

If you ask women to report back any physical irregularities they experienced after any event, 13.5% of the pregnant ones are going to report a miscarriage. The 13% miscarriage figure published by VAERS shows that it’s almost identical to the national average. (If you really wanted to spoil someone’s evening, you argue that the vaccine actually reduces miscarriages by 0.5%.)

(Incidentally, VAERS also found it statistically insignificant that 22% of women who weren’t pregnant to begin with got pregnant immediately after getting the vaccine since that all of those reports came out of Florida, and, well…duh. We kind of assumed…)

"We're all virgins. All we did was get a stupid Covid vaccine. Swear!"

"We're all virgins. All we did was get a stupid Covid vaccine. Swear!"

So VAERS is looking for two things: they’re looking to see if there are any new side effects or conditions that did not previously exist being reported. Like if all your hair fell out and feathers grew back in its place overnight.

"'Get the vaccine,' they said. 'It'll be totally fine,' they said."

"'Get the vaccine,' they said. 'It'll be totally fine,' they said."

Or if you went to Taco Bell and then didn’t develop dysentery 12 minutes later. Or if you started getting AT&T service in your kitchen. (BOOM!!! Suck on it AT&T!!! You are absolutely the WORST!!!)

They’re also looking to see if the conditions that are being reported after getting the vaccine show any deviation from the statistics they already have on those exact same conditions - independent of the vaccine. If the answer to either of these is No, then it indicates there’s nothing to discuss. If the miscarriage rate had suddenly spiked to, say, 22% after getting the jab, we would have a situation worth talking about on our hands. Instead, we have a great big Nothing Burger (which Marjorie Taylor Green will no doubt insist to NewsMax isn’t there for thoughtful, nuanced reasons).

"It's not there because the Jews stole it!"

"It's not there because the Jews stole it!"

Let’s talk about another specific adverse effect: blood clots; or rather, the actual medical condition associated with blood clots, which is called “Thrombosis with thrombocytopenia syndrome” (TTS). As of this writing, the CDC and FDA have identified and confirmed 47 reports of women developing TTS after receiving the vaccine. 47. Out of 14.8 million doses. (“Wait, I thought there were supposed to be, like, 380 million doses given!?!” Correct, but that’s the total number of vaccine doses. This was just measuring the Johnson & Johnson one.) Remember, there isn’t one vaccine, there are three: Moderna, Pfizer, and J&J. And according to VAERS, J&J was responsible for 45 of those adverse TTS reactions. Moderna was responsible for two, and Pfizer with none.

So the VAERS data clearly shows a link between the J&J vaccine and TTS, but 45 out of 14.8 million doses = a 0.000003% occurrence rate. That number is sometimes referred to as “practically non-existent.” Put it to you in simpler-to-understand terms: if your likelihood of developing TTS after the vaccine was 34 thousand times higher than it actually is, you would then have a 1% chance of developing it. (If you went with the J&J vaccine. You are free to choose one of the other two.) This is why the CDC keeps trying to assure everyone the vaccines are “safe,” and why we keeps acting amused when all the people who kept telling us a 2-3% mortality rate was “nothing worth worrying about” keep insisting we all need to be gravely concerned about .000003% of something.

MTG. Seen here holding out her qualifications...all 0.000003% of it.

MTG. Seen here holding out her qualifications...all 0.000003% of it.

So what we can conclude from all of this?

1. The first obvious conclusion is that VAERS and the CDC clearly aren’t hiding anything. If they were trying to hide their figures, they wouldn’t have published them on a website that literally every person with the internet can look at.

2. The second is that nobody is talking about this data because there really isn’t anything noteworthy to talk about. Same reason nobody’s talking about North Korea’s impending West Coast invasion.

3. Third is that we very clearly have a problem of too many people in this country who need to be taught that commas and periods, while simliar in appearance, mean very very different things. Just because a comma looks like a period with a tail - and tails remind you of evolution - doesn’t mean they don’t still serve an incredibly important function in sentences.

"We're cousins, not twins."

"We're cousins, not twins."

4. And finally, if you honestly think that .000003% is somehow way more serious than 2-3%, you don’t need to polish up on your virology - you need to Velcro up your shoes, walk your dumbass back to kindergarten, and relearn counting.

Thank you, that’s our show.

See you next week.

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2021 Shane Almgren

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