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The best revenge advice ever!

Revenge, you want it. How to get it!

Have you ever had a neighbour that needs to learn how to turn their stereo down? Been scorned by an unfaithful spouse? Have you ever had a friend betray you? Is there a person gossiping about you? I will teach you some of the most masterful, manipulative, diabolical ways to get vengeance, wreak havoc, all without having to raise your voice!

Not kidding, revenge is just one of those things that are misunderstood, people often believe that it's all about violence or doing evil deeds. Nope not always. I will give you some great vengeful tactics, that will help you destroy those you loathe, without having to worry about assault charges, prison or worse still payback!

The noisy neighbour.

We've all had one, one of those neighbours who have no respect for those near them who continue to blast music at ungodly hours on any given weeknight, they know you have just had a baby, or have kids, or work shifts, or your frail elderly mother lives with you and yet that music continues to pump whenever they feel like it.

Quick disclaimer, if you decide to take revenge on them you will not be able to hold me responsible for the outcome! YOU need to be reasonable too. Playing music loud at noon on a Saturday is not noise pollution.

O.k before you start thinking about writing letters and blah blah blah. Take a second to THINK. Revenge is always best served cold otherwise it wouldn't be called getting your "just desserts". Whatever you do, DON'T take revenge on a neighbour who had A party that got a little loud that ONE time.

So now that's been said, let's get on to the fun part. How to get revenge on a noisy neighbour!

Kill them with kindness. Yup that's how you do it. Do whatever it takes, mow their lawn, clean their pool, fix their car, bring in their mail, heck after a particularly noisy night send them a gift basket with a card that says "thanks for being a great neighbour". Make them bunt cakes and biscuits, or my personal favourite, find out what particular song it is that they play obscenely and repetitively and buy them the album with a note that says "You seem to really enjoy this group." Be nice, smile and your vengeance is sought.

WHAT?!?!? I hear you say. There is always method to madness, by taking action and not giving a reaction, you are creating vengeance. Your neighbour will notice you are being considerate toward them, thinking of them, helping them. Your neighbour will feel guilty for being such a..... well you know and they will stop. Nothing hurts a person more than their own conscience, and it will hurt them. It will drive them crazy.

If the nice method fails and you've given it a good dedicated 2 months. Then your neighbour will respond to you not being nice. When they wave to you, don't wave back. Let their lawns get overgrown and their kids remain unwatched.

Your neighbour will then begin to wonder what it is they did to upset you. If they ask you should say "You know, I think you have been really inconsiderate to the neighbourhood. Playing loud music at all hours of the night."

Vengeance sought, problem solved.

Why this works:

If you complain about this neighbour to the powers that be, the neighbour has no reason to think you have been targeting them, the rest of the community will be able to back you up, because you have been nothing but nice to this neighbour and they have continued to be inconsiderate.

The unfaithful spouse.

Hm dangerous territory here, but when vengeance is needed than diabolical plans are required! This is also one of my favourites!

If you have had an unfaithful, boyfriend or husband, here is what you need to do.

Find out where the person your spouse has been cheating on you lives. DO NOT CONFRONT THE OTHER PERSON. Once you know where that person lives, send them flowers, chocolates, gift baskets etc and remember to pay in cash and not from credit cards! Ask the florist, or gift basket people to write on the card "With love, from a secret admirer"Let the dust settle where it may. If you decide to forgive your spouse for cheating, the other person, will leave your spouse alone because they will be on the hunt for their secret admirer. If your spouse leaves you for that person, well the proverbial poo will hit the fan.

Why? Because cheaters are prone to jealousy. If someone is sending their lover flowers etc. It will aggravate them to no end. They will become suspicious of their lover and every person their lover comes in to contact with. After all we are not discussing trustworthy people here.

Another option is, if you are not supposed to know about the affair and/or cannot find out the address of the other person. Send the flowers, to YOURSELF! Same card that says the same thing. Or initial it with the initials of someone your husband or boyfriend is particularly jealous of. Be careful doing that though, because your spouse might figure out who that person is and confront them.

If it's your wife or girlfriend that has been unfaithful, you need to be a little more obvious. perhaps you have a secretary or a co worker that is female, send them flowers, using the credit card but don't put a card with them. (Because you may accidentally spark their interest and that is not the desired result). Leave a credit card trail, buy your wife an expensive piece of jewellery for Christmas or birthday with the card. Hide the jewellery. Buy some expensive perfume for your wife/ girlfriend, hide it to give to them another time, or give it your wife and say "........... wears this perfume and it smells so lovely on her, so I thought I'd buy some for you, you know, just because I love you."

When your wife/ girlfriend checks the statement she will see that you have been buying things for a woman, she will burn with jealousy and probably confront you. That is your chance to tell her you know what she has been doing, if you must, show her the purchases you made so you can prove that you have not been doing the same, that you have been wanting to spoil her. Jealousy is the greatest curse of mankind and is one of the best to use to get revenge.

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The friend that betrayed you.

Friends that betray you are the worst kind of friends to have. In fact a friend that betrays you or sets out to hurt you, usually isn't your friend to begin with.

However, many misunderstandings can cause friendships to go under fire, so before you even think about taking revenge, be certain beyond any reasonable doubt that you do not want this person in your life at all.

Although I am giving advice on getting revenge, the nice way revenge is what it is and it can hurt others, so if you are reading this after just having an argument with a friend or just hearing about what that friend said or did, I am encouraging you to give it a few days, even a week or so before you take the vengeful step. Friends are the family you choose and are hard to come by. Be more than 250% sure that you do not want this person in your life before you seek vengeance.

O.k so now to the good bit. Seeking revenge on a friend can be more difficult than you know. Friends often know us better than we know ourselves, so your next move is already being anticipated. So to begin with, do nothing.

Don't react, don't do anything. In fact be out of the ordinary for the next two weeks. If you go to the club on Friday nights, go to the library or shopping or spend the night in, however it is you manage it, don't stick to normal routine.

After doing this, be ridiculously jubilant and happy, like you life could not be any better than it is right now. This "friend" of yours is going to want to know why.

Take out a mutual friend. Go see a band, do something with that friend of your "friend" that you would enjoy, here's the catch; Don't moan, complain or say anything about that "friend" at all. If your mutual friend brings it up say something like "they have decided that they don't want to be friends any more, so that's fine with me. I'll miss them and I'm hurt but you can't force someone to be your friend" and leave it at that, don't elaborate, gossip or anything else.

People will start to notice that while this "friend" is spitting venom left, right and centre. You are maintaining civility, being the good person that you are and are not buying in to any of it.

Instantaneously you have managed vengeance. You not only look like the victim, but you are also continuing to be nice. While this "Friend" is losing people by the second, just for being themselves.

This is tried and tested and believe me it works. The friend was very apologetic toward me and then said they wanted to be friends I quietly said "After everything you have said and done?" and raised an eyebrow. That "friend" still continues to try to contact me, to "fix" our friendship. I just stopped answering their calls.

The Gossip.

Gossips are such a delight! Always keeping everyone up to date with the falsities of everyone near and far. No matter who or where you are, you have definitely had someone gossip about you and you have definitely passed on gossip or have been the one to start the rumour mill.

How to get back at the gossip:

Smile, hold your head up high.

Continue being who you are and doing what you do.

DO NOT confront the gossiper or correct the gossip, this leads to validating the gossiper and continues the story further.

Let the gossiper say horrible things about you, unless it affects you with the law, you have no reason to be concerned about what a pathetic person who lives a meager life says about you.

If you are lucky enough to overhear a gossiper winding a rumour about you. Congratulate them on their efforts at creating such fictional masterpieces, tel them that it impresses you.

When a gossiper realises that they can't affect you because you won't let them, they move on and more often than not, get exposed as to what they really are.

The Key to Revenge is........

So in short, here is what you need to have in order to seek vengeance on someone.

You need a sound rational mind. To take vengeance out on someone it requires a great deal of thought and planning. So therefore, cannot be achieved successfully in anger. Any decision made while angry is often the wrong decision to make.

Seeking vengeance the nice way is not about being a doormat and allowing someone to walk all over you. It's about showing that person you deserve better than that, so much so that you are not willing to stoop to their level. The high road is not always the easy road to take, but the pay off is always much more.

The best revenge is always served cold from a rationally thinking person. It's called being cold and calculated. Violence has never ever been the key to seeking vengeance and more importantly getting revenge is about settling a score not about vamping up a game.

You absolutely cannot put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it, this always needs to be kept in mind when seeking revenge.

If you plot your revenge nicely, and this person is really worth the time and the effort, do it nicely and then that way, if killing them with kindness doesn't work for you, then see if you can make formal complaints about this person, confront this person (because they won't expect it), you will have crowd back up as you have been seen as always being nice to the person you have sought vengeance on.

Enjoy raining down your wrath. Just make sure that those who have incited it are really worth your time.



rjbatty from Irvine on June 19, 2015:

You are imaging that your "enemy" has attained a full state of consciousness. Not everyone can add 2 + 2. Some people are so dull-witted and unconscious of their negative behavior that they will be unable to make a connection between their negative behavior and the impact it might have upon others. If, for instance, a neighbor is too noisy, just being nice will get you nowhere.

I once tried to complain to a neighbor whose music was making my entire apartment vibrate. I went to their door, got immediate apologizes then got invited inside to watch some sporting event on TV and was offered a beer.

No, kindness doesn't work. The only thing that MIGHT work is to go through channels, i.e., making continuous complaints to management. And if management doesn't do a damn thing, complain to the property owners about their lack of due diligence. It's a painstakingly slow way of trying to resolve an immediate problem, but you really are not left with much recourse.

There is also a line between revenge and vengeance. I currently have a neighbor who seems to have no control over the incessant barking of her dogs.

I cannot forget one solution explored by Kurt Vonnegut in his novel "Slaughterhouse Five." In the novel, the character Paul Lazarrio devised a gruesome way of attaining vengeance on a dog that once bit him. Following is an excerpt from the novel:

Paul Lazzaro’s monologue about killing a dog that wronged him:

“You should have seen what I did a to a dog one time...

“Son of a bitch bit me. So I got me some steak, and I got me the spring out of a clock. I cut that spring up in little pieces. I put points on the ends of the pieces. They were sharp as razor blades. I stuck 'em into the steak--way inside. And I went past where they had the dog tied up. He wanted to bite me again. I said to him, 'Come on, doggie--let's be friends. Let's not be enemies any more. I'm not mad.' He believed me...

“I threw him the steak. He swallowed it down in one big gulp. I waited around for ten minutes. Blood started coming out of his mouth. He started crying, and he rolled on the ground, as though the knives were on the outside of him instead of the inside of him. Then he tried to bite out his own insides. I laughed, and I said to him, 'You got the right idea now. Tear your own guts out, boy. That's me in there with all those knives.'"

Real vengeance requires a patient imagination and a perverse sense of justice. For the sane-minded, I think the only steps to be taken are long, arduous, frustrating and not always fulfilling. If you are seeking vengeance, well, be careful. Someone once said "that if you can't do the time, don't do the crime."

c.l. on June 18, 2015:

Kill them with kindness don't work.

Kara on October 19, 2014:

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

Guest on July 15, 2013:

"You absolutely cannot put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it"

so what if you just want to watch it all burn?

phoenixarizona (author) from Australia on February 06, 2013:

Hi Maggs thank you so much for beautiful comment! I really appreciate your response. :)

rjbatty, I used to be like that until I realised how psychotic I appeared to be in the eyes of others.

Nowadays I'd much rather use the "kill them with kindness" rule and let them damage themselves. :)

Thank you both for stopping by. :)

maggs224 from Sunny Spain on January 22, 2013:

I came not knowing what to expect but I have to say that this hub was far better than I thought it would be.

Revenge in the normal way of the reality shows type where people seek to get folk back through humiliation etc. is just like as you so succinctly put it like trying to put fire out using gasoline lol...

"You absolutely cannot put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it"

Well written a delight to read and full of practical and useful information on how to handle this situation in a positive manner.

I am voting this hub up and hitting the relevant buttons on my way out :D

rjbatty from Irvine on August 02, 2012:

I loved reading this piece and got more than a few laughs, but really revenge is a hollow pursuit. If someone has wounded you, do you really want to mend bridges? For me, once someone has proved to be dishonest, I can no longer have any faith in that individual, no matter how repentant. The killing them with kindness idea takes a lot of fortitude and self-control. You really have to CARE sufficiently about your obstacle to put in the time and attention. Your advice is good, and I can see it working if one is willing to subsume their sense of outrage. I happen to be one of those impatient types. I want near immediate satisfaction. If someone is playing their music too loud, I'll put on Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture with the amps turned all the way up, directing the speakers at the offending party. If someone is having far too much fun on their porch late at night, I'll confront them and be ready to break open heads ... because I am really and sincerely mad. I just don't possess the patience to take revenge, although I can imagine how sweet it must be. on April 14, 2012:

An interesting take on 'love Thy neighbor as Thy self' or treat your brother as you would want to be treated. . .

Love it!


phoenixarizona (author) from Australia on December 08, 2011:

@gmwilliams, thank you for your kind words! I agree that the best revenge is kindness and is always better served cold. To me revenge is taking action, not a reaction to what another person did to hurt you. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.

@Sanxuary I don't believe telling the truth is a revenge tactic per say, but the truth does oten reward a person with justice. Thnk you very much for reading and commenting.

SanXuary on December 08, 2011:

The best revenge is always the truth. A liar will always make the lie even worst and all their other victims will be empowered to come forward. Their most hurt victims and self created enemies will be licking their lips and will seek their blood better then you for they have been savouring it longer. Telling the truth to everyone when you know that you our right and truly being of honourable character will eventually pay off. You do not have to demean or debase such people you only have to speak the truth of what they did or said and laugh at their denial. The look of shame or anger will be obvious to others. In court you must never lose your temper they say. When you show no fear they have nothing left. If they are hurt then you know they do care and it is time to make peace but make it on your terms. The person who does not care about others needs to know how their lack of empathy effected you and that you do live by one sided rules created by them.

Grace Marguerite Williams from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on December 07, 2011:

To phoenixarizona: Great and excellent hub. I loved it immensely. Your advice is succinct and on target. The best revenge is sugary sweetness, sometimes served cold. People do not know how to respond to kindness- it knocks them completely off guard! Great piece again!

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