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The Wheels on the Bus (Schizoaffective Disorder)

the-wheels-on-the-bus-schizoaffective-disorder

The Wheels On The Bus

I remember this rhyme from childhood, but now it hits me different.


Now the wheels on the bus still go round and round, but now there is no driver.


This is what my schizoaffective disorder feels like, like I'm on a ride with no driver and I'm just hanging on.

The Delusions And Hallucinations

I'm not sure when the delusions and hallucinations started, but for me they are the worst part of schizoaffective disorder.


There is a radio that plays in my head, general and random songs, and no, it's not like thinking of a song and then having it stuck in my head. It drives me crazy. I can't change the station and I can't turn it off.


It's hard to concentrate on my schoolwork or have a conversation , while music is blasting in your head.

The hallucinations are horrible. I can be reading a book, look down ans see huge spiders, crawling all over the floor, furniture, and trying to crawl up my legs. I've seen the floor shifting, walls melting, demons that beckon me, and voices mixed in the middle of it all.

I am on two very strong anti-psychotics but after 3 months they are not totally effective, hopefully down the road.

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Uncle Ronnie

This disease is insidious. It has a genetic component.

My Uncle Ronnone of the family attended the funeral. nir developed full-blown schizophrenia, and most of the time, he lived in his own little world, talking to himself and the pigeons.

When he died in 2014, none of the family attended his memorial service. They had pulled away from him years ago and he was left to fend for himself.

He wandered the streets and ate out of dumpsters if I wasn't home.

When i ran into him after not seeing him since I was 13-14 years old he didn't remember or recognize me, but he remembered my mother. From the time I found hime all he ever called me was " niecey".

He always carried his medications in a plastic bag in his pocket because the bottles are so big. Once he was arrested by the police and charged with possession. It took me a week to find him and another week to prove to them that the medications were for his mental illness, and that he had a perscription. They said he had tried to assualt an officer and i said " of xcourse he did, he had no touch with reality".

Living In Fear

My greatest fear is developing full blown schizophrenia like my uncle and not knowing where I am or who others are.

i take my medication faithfully, but so far I still have break-through psychosis and it terrifies me.

It affects my life greatly. I love to write but during these periods I am not enough grounded to create anything.


There are many good books available on Schizophrenia and Schizo -affective disorder. If you or a loved one suffer from this illness, family support is very important , as is medical treatment. Please seek help and not wind up suffering through this alone.



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