Garry Reed combined a professional technical writing career and a passion for all things libertarian to become The Libertarian Opinionizer.
Comicality by Your Libertarian Opinionizer
Do you know what month it is? No, just knowing the calendar name of each individual month isn't enough. You need to know what Month the month is.
There was a time when specially designated “Months” were sincere public relations efforts to raise people’s consciousness about important causes like calling February National Heart Month to educate people about heart disease or when April became National Autism Awareness Month to encourage acceptance of autistic children and adults.
Unfortunately it’s all become gimmickized. December, for example, and for real, depending on which calendar you look at, on which website, is, among other things, Hi Neighbor Month, National Stress-free Family Holidays Month, Learn a Foreign Language Month and Walk Your Pet Month. And don’t get that last one confused with merely “Walking the dog” which is a trick you can do with your yo-yo, unless of course your dog is named Yo-Yo.
With everyone else doing it why shouldn’t libertarians grab up a dry erase calendar and markers and stick it to their fridge, or plaster it on their wall if it’s a really big one, and create their own libertarian-relevant events calendar? They could declare one month “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death” Month or mark another “Libertarian Party Founding Month” or get really specific with Remember Remember the Fifth of November” Month.
Nobody knows who names these Months other than the Month-Namers themselves. Apparently, anyone can name a month a Month. So in the spirit of rebelling against those who would attempt to force their own agendas down the gullets of everyone else, this article introduces a new public service:
THE LIBERTY-LOVERS RANDOMLY ANARCHISTICALY IDIOSYNCRATIC MONTHLY FREEDOM CALENDAR
But be aware that this isn’t strictly a libertarian political calendar. Libertarians care little about conventional left-right establishment politics. Being an individualistic philosophy libertarians naturally bring their personal worldviews into all the arenas of human interaction.
January—Second Chance to Observe National Bill of Rights Month
Since most public school educated Americans, having no clue what a Bill of Rights is, ignored Bill of Rights Day in December.
Those few on the political left who have actually heard of the idea of “rights” will inform you that they have a right to a government-imposed minimum wage, a right to free taxpayer-funded education, a right to free healthcare supplied from money forcibly redistributed from the rich, a right to a universal basic income paid for by someone else.
Those on the political right know very well that they have a right to attack small countries who could never attack them, steal people’s property through legal eminent domain if it benefits themselves to do so, block imports so they don’t have to compete to keep their jobs and fill the jails with victimless crime lawbreakers.
February—National Anti-Drug War Month.
Celebrate by getting your buddies together and dressing up like ninjas, then bash in the door of a SWAT cop at three AM, shoot his pot-sniffing dog, scream words you've heard on TV cop shows like "Freeze!" and "Chew carpet, Punk!" and in general rip up the house and just terrorize the living bejesus out of the whole family before saying "Oops, wrong house" and leaving.
If SWATTING the SWATTERS is too violent for your liking you can join libertarians in demanding the complete decriminalization of all drugs which is much better than simply legalizing drugs and then taxing them. They were untaxed in the first place so they should be untaxed.
March—National Anti-Politician Month.
This is a time to formally dishonor the glib, smooth-talking, shallow exploiters of the political long con who have discovered that running for public office is a much slicker way to make a living than actually producing some goods or services that people actually need and want. Incomes, benefits and retirements for the successful con artists will be based on how good they are at trading political favors for alleged campaign donations, how many “fact-finding junkets” they can bribe from their wealthy constituents and how much redirected taxpayer pelf they can pocket for exorbitant speaking fees.
April—National Mentally Challenged Set-Aside Month.
This month recognizes people who get all their opinions from endlessly repetitious cable news channels and from political campaign speeches and have therefore lost the ability to think for themselves. Of course they think they think for themselves because those CNN and Fox News pundits have told them that they think they think for themselves every time said pundits stick their head and shoulders in front of a camera and tell them what they think they think everyone should think they think.
May—National Taunt a Gun Control Nut Month.
Rednecks can celebrate by rubbing a printout of the Supreme Court Second Amendment ruling in the face of a hoplophobe and snarl "Nya nya nya."
A more thoughtful gun owner might try wasting his or her breath explaining that guns can’t fire themselves because they are inanimate objects until someone animates them; that an assault weapon becomes a defense weapon if it’s used in defense of self and others against murderers, rapists and baby molesters when no cops are around; and that all anti-gun laws must ultimately—and paradoxically—be enforced by the very guns that the anti-gun people hate and fear so much.
The paradox for libertarians is that anti-gunners want guns only in the hands of the cops and the military, which is exactly where every leftwing and rightwing tyrant in the world want those guns.
June—National Dress Up Like a Tree and Hug a Tree Hugger Month.
This confuses the bejesus out of them. But really, tree-huggers are well-meaning people and many are libertarians themselves.
Some True Believer Eco enforcers just don’t get that clearing out massive undergrowth and deadwood from the forest floors will save thousands of trees from wildfires while creating better habitat for ground-dwelling critters like rabbit and deer and elk and their ilk. (Even native tribal peoples purposely burned trails and clearings for game animals.)
And … The Treehugger website reported in 2017 "More Trees Than There Were 100 Years Ago? It's True!”
So hug that tree-hugger tight!
July—National Medical Marijuana Month
This sounds a lot like National Anti-Drug War Month but it isn’t. It’s not about SWATTING Drug Warriors or Drugging SWAT Warriors, it’s about doing something nice for a baddie and maybe turning the baddie into a goodie.
Find a Drug Warrior with a loved one in pain and suffering with little help from the FDA approved Big Pharma cures and slip that person a bag of weed. Then maybe you can watch that obnoxious old head-cracking Drug Warrior do a flip-flop on the issue like a hooked trout when the loved one starts coming back to the world.
That may be a long shot but it’s better than getting shot.
August—Dress Up Like a Pet and Walk a Human Month Because it Confuses the Bejesus Out of PETA.
Okay, this one is really getting weird, right? But PETA is weird. They want to “Save the Whales” while simultaneously wanting to “Save the Seals.” But whales eat seals. And seals are also carnivores that eat their own fellow ocean buddies like fish, penguins, octopuses, lobsters, salmons, eels, mackerel, and squids.
Guess it’s up to PETA to teach both whales and seals how to become vegans and live in oceanic harmony.
September—National Get Off Your Butt and Google It Month.
Look things up on the net that you don't have a clue about, like what a hoplophobe is or how to tell the difference between a coercive Republican political agenda and a coercive Democrat political agenda.
Of course Google will be spying on you while you’re Googling. If you don’t believe it you can Google the YouTube video “This is how Google is spying on everything you do.” And then search for an Ungoogle search engine.
October—National What are the kardashians Doing This Month?
While KUWTK has been cancelled there are seemingly an endless supply of Kardashians that should result in an endless supply of reruns, livestreamings, YouTube videos, specials, spin-offs and reunion shows.
So why would libertarians care about the Kardashians? Curiosity? Fascination? Can’t look away from a train wreck? Or maybe they sense that the infighting of the Kim-Khloé-Kourtney-Kylie Kardashian clan is analogous to the Minarchist-Voluntaryist-Anarcho-Post Statist Libertarian family.
Besides, watching Kardashians is so much easier than trying to figure out serious stuff like if a government "Coronavirus stimulus check" can really stimulate the economy by giving our own tax money back to us why in hell didn’t they just let us keep it in the first place?
November—National Carbon Offset Month
Celebrate a popular con game in which government lets political elitists and their super-rich cronies keep polluting the planet with their public/private corporatist globe-trotting jet-setting by swapping carbon coupons back and forth while the rest of us are systematically regulated back into the Stone Age.
December—National Thank a Libertarian Month
Take 31 days to appreciate those self-owning voluntaryists who believe in individual freedom and personal responsibility who are trying to save you from an ultraconservative and/or ultraliberal tyrannical dictatorial authoritarian police state beehive culture even though you still don’t get it and think there can be something good about a psychopath-controlled society.
13th Month (Final Thoughts)
If you do opt to create your own more traditional DIY calendar you can honor all your favorite libertarian heroes by writing in Adam Smith, Frédéric Bastiat, Robert Heinlein, Ayn Rand, Murray Rothbard, Tonie Nathan or Ron Paul. But be sure to get a wall calendar that comes with a dry erase surface and a soft sponge eraser so you can wipe a Month clean in case one of your freedom heroes flips and becomes an anti-freedom anti-hero.
References and Links
A Timeline of Libertarian Thought If you come up short on significant events in the history of libertarian philosophy this lengthy list from John Locke to Ayn Rand to Ron Paul compiled by Mother Jones will help you fill many of those empty spaces on your DIY calendar.
Historic Dates of Interest to Libertarians The LP’s compendium of historic libertarian dates should serve to keep the infighting fighting among the many minarchists, anarchists, voluntaryist, anarcho-capitalists, Objectivists, Post-Statists and other individualists who routinely disagree with one another. So figure out who you are and add your own beliefs to your own calendar.
Libertarian Thought is Older Than You Think There are only two political philosophies according to this article: liberty and power. While our history books are full of psychopathic power-grasping authoritarian tyrants “The first known libertarian may have been the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, who lived around the sixth century B.C.” Betcha didn’t know that.
Libertarian Calendar: Films, Movies & Documentaries If you still need help filling out your own libertarian calendar Miss Liberty’s Film & Documentary World offers even more resources, from Martin Luther King Day to Ayn Rand’s birthday to America’s Tax Freedom Day to Victims of Communism Day to Tiananmen Square Protest Anniversary just for starters.