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The Grand Remake: Equity, Gun Control and Vaccine Supremacy Plus Other Good Stuff!

John is a middle-school business teacher, happily married since 1989 and grateful to have been given the gift of life.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Everyone Will Stay Home

The future. Everybody will stay home. Home for work, home for play, home for everything. Being at home worked so well during the COVID Experiment, that the Grand Remake leadership will legislate the “Home-24-7-365 ” law. Except for the homeless. They are exempt because if a person is ordered to stay at home, but they have no home, then logically, they cannot obey the law. The homeless will set up their tents on the empty roads and freeways, but they are not required to stay in their tents. That’s because there’s a good chance that they will need your house. You see, equity demands that they be given positions in the Grand Remake government. You can’t have homeless government officials! By the way, if the homeless take over your house, they cannot leave it according to Home-24-7-365’s tenets. However, you will be arrested for breaking the law since you did not apply to become homeless. This should not need explaining but the Grand Remake’s authors want to give everyone a chance for joyous epiphany, ruminating on the new way of things to be.

People Will Apply if They Want to be Homeless

No one else will leave their home, at any time. You could apply to be homeless, to avoid the Home-24-7-365 legislation, and the Grand Remake government would approve your application for admission to this prestigious group. Or, you could sneak out of your house and join a homeless encampment; that way, no application is necessary. But don’t even think about sneaking out unless you have been receiving the mandated daily COVID vaccine booster, now reformulated as the Enhanced Living Formulation, with vitamins A, B, C, D, E, F…Z and the miracle supplement, Sopento. They call it Sopento because it sounds happier than Sodium Pentothal. Don't worry, Sopento just helps the conversation flow nicely in case a friendly official wants to ask you how your life is going. Everyone must do their part to avoid COVID transmission and follow the common sense lifestyle edicts as granted to you by the Grand Remake leaders! It’s for your own good!

Your DAD Will Help You

You, unless you are skilled and talented enough to become homeless, will have some kind of neighborhood-spying or data-repair job at home with holographic co-worker interface technology, now being tested. You will love your job because that’s your script and saying it makes everyone smile. But the Grand Remakers know that life isn't just about work! Helping you put a little fun in your life will be the government-run Department of Amazon Distribution (DAD). Amazon.com will finally be rescued from its evil capitalist executive management team, by Grand Remake officials. Remember, capitalism and the resultant increase in everyone’s standard of living, is evil because the creators of business enterprise are really just stealing from the poor. Don't listen to the selfish naysayers who complain that DAD prices are way higher and that "expedited" delivery is now 4 weeks. Instead, just show the COVID-booster needle marks on your arms to the DAD avatar official and your DAD account will be credited. You'll be able to e-shop a wild assortment of recreational products at DAD, including holographic virtual reality subscriptions. For example you could take a “vacation” to Europe in your family room! Or you could hold up a convenience store with your favorite assault weapon! Date an avatar "hottie," an object of your fantasies, and do the wild thing! Play 18 holes against history’s best and win! It's real even though it's fake! You're just gonna love your DAD!

Major Team Sports Equity

Major team sports, including Olympic sports, will all be electronic simulations broadcast just like when real players graced the stadiums, but there won’t be any more real players. Because they are in their houses. Remember? The 24-7-365 law? All professional sports players will be government-created holographic apparitions dashing about via probabilistic game-rule algorithms, and they will look real for all competitive intents and purposes. Each team will have a myriad of genders, races, and lifestyles represented, but without the horrible problem of a trans woman competing in women’s sports. To preserve integrity in sporting events, the Department of Sports Equity can assign any ability to any player in any sporting event. For example, they could code an elderly, 100-pound Asian woman cornerback hologram to flat-tackle a 300 pound white male pass receiver hologram. Also, to make the game even more fair, white receivers can now be tackled before they catch the ball, and there will be no penalty for pass interference. Welcome to the NFL, the Neighborly Football League! A further beautiful example of equity in action will be the RBI Home Run algorithm, hit by any batter who is not white, straight or male, to land smack-dab in Lake Michigan, over a mile outside of Wrigley Field! What amazing hits they will be! And, the team will score 4 even if no one's on bases! Yes, it's MLB, Magnificent League Baseball! Equity of Outcomes is vitally important for world peace and prosperity. Competition is sexist and racist; that's why. Hey, you can still cheer for your favorite, uh, “team” and pretend you love them.

No More Mass Shooters

If everyone is at home, then no one can be a mass shooter or transmit viruses or obstruct equity. That is the overarching theme of the Grand Remake. People who are less free are less dysfunctional. Guns, which have murdered of millions of people, can't kill anybody if nobody’s on the streets. See? Now you're starting to realize the infinite wisdom of the Grand Remake's ideology! Okay, yes, you might somehow get a gun, kill a family member, or kill your whole family, and yourself, whatever. Or, a holographic avatar of a real person may shoot you, but you will sustain no injury because holographic bullets are just for show. But, the GPS SupremeMax Copbots will smite you down if you try to leave your house to shoot people. No dessert for your whole town! Actually, they will smite you down if you sneak out with no malevolent intentions. Or if you just think about leaving. It can happen.

Food Will Be Provided

Food will also be provided by the Grand Remake government, delivered by autonomous un-personed (“Unmanned” implies gender supremacy.) airborne vehicles; the tech for this is being tested now. The weekly menu will be decided by claimed-to-be-famous chefs known to nobody because they won't really exist. The nation's meal will be prepared in huge kitchens by GPS TasteMax Chefbots; thereby no ingredients will ever be under or over added. The food will be pretty good! Everyone across the country will eat the same meal at nearly the same time. Prepared simultaneously at hundreds of local kitchens; these meals will be delivered quietly and safely by the un-personed vehicles. “Smith. Dinner for 4. Do not waste, recycle. Enjoy your meal,” the disembodied voice intones at your house’s landing pad, drops the food containers inside the red circle and then departs like a startled hummingbird. And no, you won’t get fries with that because fries cause racial disparities. However, dessert will be sent later if no one in your town has made any escape attempts that day. Or pried off their COVID Permamasks. Or skipped their daily vaccine boosters. The COVID vaccines work! Punishment, reward, punishment, reward. Most meals will be some kind of casserole, cooked by the megaton in mile-square baking tins, vegan and fat free with a small amount of recycled plastic purée added for texture. We all must make the commitment to recycle! Crops for all this will be grown by GPS GrowMax Farmerbots. Nope, no meat because that’s not vegan and it’s premeditated animal murder.

Health and Mental Wellness


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Health and mental wellness will be attended to by the recently-perfected GPS LifeMax Docbot. Same technology as the Chefbots. Just order up a docbot in your favorite race-gender profile from the ruling body’s Grand Remake website. Don't bother trying for a "straight white male" docbot as they will not be available until equality of outcomes has been achieved, whatever that means. Scant seconds after your order, the cheerful docbot will arrive ready to diagnose, treat, operate, remove a bullet, transplant, administer, prescribe or even advise and empathize. Right on your couch. Don't worry; there'll be no squirting blood or flying tissue fragments. Docbots are minimally invasive if you don't offend them with your uh, whiteness. However, if you or your family member dies during the docbot's ministrations, the docbot will signal a grief-minute. When your minute of grief ends, the docbot will digitally meld with your home recycler and the recycler will retrieve the corpse. It's pretty cool; the recycler's loader mechanism looks and works like a Venus Fly Trap. You can watch, while sipping a refreshing beverage, the final moments of your loved-one's corporeal form. Shortly thereafter, the recycler will announce "ready" and you can hit "go" and it will dart and hover about your yard, sprinkling your family member, now nutritious gray fertilizer pellets, on your yard shrubs or lawn. Indeed, immortalization via home landscaping, another benefit of the Grand Remake regime! Of course, you should donate your loved one's pellets to the nation’s crop fertilization program. But don't even think about bypassing the recycler and digging some stupid, respectful burial hole in your backyard.

Professional and Social Interactions

Work meetings, social get-togethers and school will be held virtually using computer screens, like we did during the COVID lifestyle era. But compared to the COVID era, there will be some marvelous upgrades. For example, instead of just computer screen interaction, holographic technology will provide lifelike avatars of your co-workers, friends and relatives. Virtual reality perfected! It will be like they are really there with you! You’ll accomplish work tasks, play games, hug, shake hands, discuss gun, vaccine and critical race theory legislation, smell the other person’s breath and farts, etcetera, and everyone involved will experience full sensory interactions without the risks of any real viruses or bullets. You can thank the Grand Remake government for this upgrade. If someone shoots you during a workplace grievance, for example, you will feel like you’ve been shot and get simulated gun-shot residue and blood at the wound site, but, as previously noted, electronic rounds do no damage, even though the pain will still happen just like in real life. Pain keeps us connected to reality, that's why. The shooter will be arrested by the omnipresent copbots, charged with Capital Unmurder, and given both an anger-management pill and a job in the government. And then the copbots will try to figure out where the shooter got the gun that tried to kill you but couldn't.

The Petroleum and Firearm Industries

The petroleum industry will be canceled in the future because no one will be driving, floating or flying, or choo-chooing or going anywhere. Remember? The Home 24-7-365 law? Even better, the Carbon Dioxide Committee (CDC) will place limits on breathing to combat climate change. It's not just SUVs that suck; people suck too. All citizens, excepting Grand Remake officials and the homeless, will wear carbon dioxide alarms under their COVID permamasks. If you breathe too much, you will get a benevolent electrical stimulus. A whiff of your burned flesh will assail your nostrils, but, hey, a much smaller carbon footprint is worth celebrating! No longer will we have to worry about the world's population burning up and drowning due to the climate change scourge.

The firearm industry will also be canceled; people will be happily loving their families at home and celebrating world peace and thus not needing guns. The guns-that-kill-people scourge will be solved! No more AR-15s roaming the streets and destroying precious human life. The similarly legislated anti-meteorite law, passed in the 2020s, banning meteoroids from becoming meteorites, will also be saving lives. Since the passage of this law, no one has been killed by the meteorite scourge!

Actually, no one will be shooting anything in the future. The Second Amendment of that dumb, old U.S. Constitution thingamajig, will get repealed. You see? Why have a constitutional amendment about something that the ruling body despises, namely the gun? Further, the brilliant Grand Remake Kangaroo Tribunal will finally, after spending millions of taxpayer dollars, prove that guns kill people. Sadly, even with the cancellation of the second amendment and the immutable proof that guns are murderers, people's holographic avatars will still shoot other people. Therefore, the Grand Remake government will make tons more laws to solve the problem, even though holographic bullets do no damage and people can't leave their homes in the first place. Kind of like the government printing tons more money so capable people don't need to work. That worked well, didn’t it?

Oppression Osmosis

With everyone safely ensconced at home and the friendly COVID-booster drones, like pesky flies, cajoling and chasing down family members, nobody will be infected in the next accidental COVID gain-of-function outbreak coming soon to a town near you. And to be extra-safe, pictures of guns and conversations about guns will also be made unlawful because the Grand Remakers care most about your safety. Finally, the CDC will begin contacting you and your fellow citizens for your regularly scheduled induced-coma procedures, reflecting the latest climate change legislation, in which a ventilator will minimize your respiration and thus carbon dioxide output. Don't worry, your coma will only be for a few months each year and is mostly, sort of unlikely to cause brain damage. By the way, life and disability insurance is available at the Grand Remake web site. If you recover from your climate-friendly coma, you can become homeless, get a nice cushy government job, and commandeer someone's house. The Grand Remake will transform this planet into an emotionally healthy, balanced ecosystem!

More and more common-sense legislative benefits placed on law-abiding citizens means sickness, crime, climate crises and dysfunction will stop via the phenomenon known as "oppression osmosis." That is, hard-working people, buoyed up by the noble Grand Remake leadership, will enthusiastically form the Collective Conscience of Compliance Policing (CCCP), keeping each other in line via snitching, tattling, spying, ratting-out, squealing, shunning, mocking, censuring and gossiping. This way, everyone can be active in their community and lasting societal harmony will be achieved. And you thought our world was heading to disaster's gate!

See You Then

We hope you have read and understood this synopsis of the Grand Remake utopia. A better world is around the next corner. You’ll soon see.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2022 John Sebastian

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