Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.
...not everyone wants kids. I certainly don't. Every time I see someone dragging around a whining crying baby, oozing snot from every orifice I have to wonder, "Ewe, who the hell wanted that thing?" I've been called insensitive for my lack of vocabulary, calling babies things and onsies baby sacks. It's not my fault, how am I supposed to know these things? As far as I'm concerned a baby is a thing until it grows big enough to do something more impressive then sit in it's own poop. As for the rest of my vocabulary, I just call it as I see it. At least I don't call cribs baby cages, though I often think it. I've spent many a long hour pondering why something that can't even roll over should have to be caged in such a way.
It Starts in Childhood...
The disliking of children for me started in my own childhood. As the rest of the girls dragged around baby dolls like precious keepsakes I kept myself amused tormenting mine. I'd "bungee jump" my Barbies by hanging them by the neck from the ceiling rafters in my basement and spend long hours seeing just how much abuse a rubber wrestling doll could go through. I never did like baby dolls. The one I liked was bald and naked but I thought it deserved better so I gave it "hair" by wrapping its head in electrical tape. Even then my maternal instinct could have killed...
I remember in Kindergarten when the other girls would play House they'd somehow drag me into the "fun." Whoever was playing the game would be the mother and she'd assign two children, perhaps a dog, and I would volunteer to be the father. After this I'd leave the "house", claim it was work related, and not return, as I thought fathers were supposed to do. I grew up in a single parent home so you can't exactly blame me for seeing fathers as being glorified sperm donors at this tender age. That's all besides the point, what I was really trying to illustrate was the fact I knew at five I didn't ever want to have children and that I knew if I ever did have children the likelihood of me pawning them off onto someone else with a stronger maternal instinct was pretty damn high.
The First Baby
I held my first baby when I was ten years old. He was only a few hours old and I got to hold him at the hospital. He wasn't a sibling, thank God, but a cousin. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. Everyone else had held the new baby and I was the only one left in the room. Before I knew it my mother was coming at me with this giant swaddle of blankets with this tiny shriveled creature cuddled in the middle. I held him, though I couldn't actually feel him because the blankets were enormous. My first impression was, "This doesn't look like a baby...human..." He was tiny pink and shriveled like some sort of naked mole rat. This thing wasn't even remotely cute. It was actually rather repulsive. I still think gorilla babies are far superior in the cuteness factor. At least they don't look like mutant raisons with suspiciously perfect little hands.
My mother babysat my cousin for the first year of his life. During all this time the only physical interaction I remember having with him was once when my mother fell asleep on the couch I fed him a smushed banana when he started crying. Even then I had no idea babies get full in two bites so I smushed up half of a giant banana which quickly turned brown and disgusting on the plate. I don't think I held him after the hospital visit. I certainly don't remember playing with him, only staring at him whenever he started crying. What a useless creature. All it can do is smell and cry. It was a long time before I got another chance to be around another baby.
I Never Babysat
When I reached my teens I found myself again holding someone's baby, again without me really wanting to. She, or was it he? No It. It was a distant relation of mine, still not entirely sure how. It was an older baby, maybe six months old and heavy as a goddamn sack of potatoes. So there I was holding this kid, looking entirely unnatural, with a balloon tied to my wrist to amuse the thing. I passed it off as soon as I could.
I think my mother held hopes that I'd babysit someone someday. I never did, unless you count the eight rats I babysat one summer. Being around my cousin and some other children made me never want to babysit. I remember one of my mother's friends had a kid which I only got to know after he started his questioning phase. You know the one, the phase where all little kids run around going "Why? Why? Whhhhy?" until you want to just smush their little faces in? Yeah, that one. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why human children were all born retarded, and annoying at that.
There was one child who far surpassed all others as being the spawn of Satan. She was another cousin and hit the why phase when she was only two and a half. By the time she was three she was speaking in full sentences and utterly obsessed with me. In the following years she didn't grow less annoying but more annoying and her intense interest in me grew stronger. Barney could have walked into the middle of the room and spontaneously combusted and she'd still be tagging along with me, trying to figure out what I was doing that was so important. Eventually I learned if I sat in a corner and stared at a random object out of her reach for hours on end she'd go bug someone else, to ask them what was wrong with me of course.
It was during one of these visits that I was handed yet another baby without me consenting. I was nineteen years old and this baby was only a week. He put the tiny rasionette in my arms and I nearly spazzed out. Up until that date no one had told me babies don't have neck muscles. You've GOT to be kidding me! Most baby animals can walk and run by the time they're an hour old, this thing can't even hold up it's head at a week?! What gives?! The poor thing's head flopped backwards, my heart jumped out of my chest and I thought for sure I'd just killed it. Luckily for the kid, I didn't kill it, or maim it in any way. I was still stuck holding it even though by now I had so much anxiety coursing through my veins I was shaking. "Take it back before I break it!"
It was years before I agreed to hold another baby, although on two occasions I did attempt to play Stupid Monkey Faces with a friend's little bundle of pooh. This was very successful at making me look foolish, less successful in any other regard. I gave up but children are like cats, they flock to people who hate them. I couldn't escape. No matter what household I went to there were small children absolutely infatuated by me. They came to me like I was the goddamn pied piper and tried to get my attention and impress me in any way possible, perhaps handing me toys covered in goo, perhaps dancing around doing the pick-me-up stomp, and once a little boy even tried to push a plastic kitchenette set to me on the other side of the waiting room at a hospital. Whhhhhy? Why do they like me so much??
I gave up trying to like them. I just told everyone God decreed I was to die baron. Not many got the joke. Over the years I've had to suffer through screaming, crying, whining, and temper tantrums in public places and have had to be a silent witness to soooo much bad parenting on the part of my own peers, neighbors, and friends. I bit my tongue, only railing online where anonymity was guaranteed. A new thought came to mind, "I know I can do a better job raising some little brat..." So I decided to give children another shot.
This time no one offered me the baby. Everyone in the room knew my feelings. Still I played Stupid Monkey Faces with the thing to get it's attention and the people holding it. I didn't exactly feel like swallowing my pride and saying, "Can I hold it?" but I did anyway and got yelled at for calling it, it.
This time I was really trying! The baby was three or four months old, I had no idea if it had neck muscles or not but I held it anyway. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until someone snapped a photo and I got to see what I really looked like holding the thing. I looked as stiff and uncomfortable as a board with one too many nails in it. It was no small wonder when it started to cry and I had no idea what to do. I shifted it around, smiled at it, gave it a toy. It didn't shut up. My mother who was watching this whole event took the baby from me and declared it needed food. How she knew I'll never know. A cry is a cry to me. Before I knew it the baby was slurping down formula and oozing from every orifice again. It was put to bed shortly after and now I'm fairly certain my mother is contented with the idea of not becoming a grandmother. She used to desperately want grandchildren but watching me probably brought her back to her senses.
It'll be Different When it's Yours...
Maybe, but I don't feel like popping one out just to test this theory. I'm contented with my self-centered life and hypothesize I always will be. It's so nice to be able to sleep through a whole night (or day) without having to wake up to some screaming little snot factory. It's even sweeter when I don't come down with colds dragged home from grade school. Yes, taking care of only myself is the high life.
Besides all this I don't have the social etiquette I'd need to raise a child. My mother knitted a blue baby sweater that was made with faux fur. She had apparently made it without thinking because when she finished it she said, "Whose going to want this for a boy?" and decided to hastily tack pink onto the cuffs. I rather liked it when it was all blue and didn't see why it shouldn't be employed. I mean I'm sure someone would like a Muppet costume for Halloween or has a flamboyantly gay baby that'd like to go to Pride in it... Who knows? Of course I'm the kind of person who'd dress a baby in these things, take an exorbitant amount of snapshots and make an album, reminiscing, "It was so nice when you were a baby. I could dress you in anything I wanted and you couldn't fight it..."
In the end I have learned I am not the only one with this opinion, there are others out there like fellow hubber gmwilliams who wrote The 10 Totally Illogical and Utterly Inane Remarks Made To Childfree Couples.
If you enjoyed this perhaps you'd like to read more rants and observations about children by the happily childless Theophanes!
A Teenage Hypocrite's Speech on Teen Life (written years ago by a tween Theophanes. AWE)
More Satirical Articles by Theophanes:
More from this Author:
Catching Marbles - A New England based travel blog
Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters
Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes
Robin on February 24, 2018:
"As far as I'm concerned a baby is a thing until it grows big enough to do something more impressive then sit in it's own poop" what about when they say their first words? or walk their first steps? There are tears of joy when those milestones happen.
I loved it when my niece said my name (on Mother's Day, no less) and when she spoke a full sentence to me: I found your keys. (had no idea I lost them..lol)
motherhood may not be for you, but it is certainly is for me...as an adult victim of child abuse and sibling abuse, i strive to break the cycle...even if it means burning the bridges of my family-never seeing my niece (who just turned 5) again...would take an adjustment, but surely i can do it. i am 24 years old.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on March 15, 2014:
As a breeder of animals for many years I have always known not all of the female species was meant to reproduce. Had a rat once who was such a terrible mom she ate her children as they were coming out. YUM. I don't believe, as many do, that humans are so much better than animals in this regard or any other. Often we're just too dumb to admit it...
Thank you for commenting kitzikoo2002. It's always good to hear when others are brave enough to admit they didn't have kids because they didn't want them, not because of infertility or "it just didn't fit into my life at the time."
kitzikoo2002 on March 14, 2014:
Almost all of your statements were and still are true of myself. Have recently retired at age 66. I still can't figure out why women have kids. I feel we humans just keep reproducing at staggering rates for no good reason other than we can. All other lifeforms beware, if you are not something we can eat or use, your days are numbered.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on February 12, 2014:
I am sorry you feel that way Shell... I wrote this article many years ago. My opinions have softened but I still think it's weird we name babies when they're just born. I mean how many kids grow up with retarded names like North West and how horrifying is that?? MUCH better to let a kid decide what they want to be called when they have the cognitive function to figure this out..... but society disagrees with me...
In any event, sorry to have disappointed you. I am only human. Also sorry I will not be e-mailing you as you're obviously wanting to fight and well... I just do not believe in encouraging such negativity. If that means I lose one reader then I guess that will just have to be the case.
PS - this and many of my articles are satire - you know, written to be funny. Probably should take them with a grain of salt...
shell on February 10, 2014:
I was a dedicated reader of your articles until I realized you are just a spoiled hypocrite. In one article you say animals should be called who but refer to babies as its. If u dont like kids then you shouldn't even be writing about issues with children. I will not be back but if you feel the need to reply then email your ignorance to firstname.lastname@example.org
King Nothing 90 from Sweden on May 28, 2012:
Hello again, yes I'd really like to see some abstract acrylic painting if that's okay, that sounds cool.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 08, 2012:
Awe, why thank you King Nothing 90. I have a secret - it is possible to gather intelligent people and have a wonderful "tremendous session" with them. It's a lot of fun too! My significant other is just as misanthropic as myself and we never dated, at least not in the sense I wrote about! I would love to show you my art but a lack of interest killed my Etsy store and I have way too many different kinds of art I do from knitting to sculpting, writing to Sharpie doodling, and I even started to do abstract acrylic painting recently. Shoot me an e-mail, I'll try to find some photos. :)
King Nothing 90 from Sweden on May 08, 2012:
After reading this and another of your articles about dating, I got something of a morale boost. The way you portray people and their pathetic attempts at changing your ways "oh I got her now!" arguments, is some glorious stuff. I thank you.
It is so refreshing finding something like this, it is so refreshing that someone like me actually bothers with leaving a comment. In this case, it is an honor.
Having children today is completely irrational, I am 22 and I find it terrifying that so many people on this planet are "having babies". In their view: "it is something you just do, because it is natural." I have not really told many about my beliefs, but I think there will come a time when I will. People probably won't like it, for the simple reason that I would be attacking their "Me" zone. It is by the way already expected of me to attend a funeral for a dead person, a fetus really, that I didn't/couldn't know. A "family" member having a miscarriage. I will probably be viewed as a "psychopath", which is by the way a legal term. Sorry if much of this is very random, i have a tendency to just write/say what is on my mind. The main thing I want said is that I am very glad that there a people like you out there, it's just too bad that people like you are so few in number. But it is after all the minority that changes the world, not the majority.
One commenter said on the dating article: "people who hate people, come together!" or something like that. Oh how wonderful that sounds! I can just imagine creating a group of intelligent, inquisitive and witty individuals, talking about everything, ANYTHING. Mostly things that has to do with idiots polluting this planet. Glorious stuff!
What you say about childless people who did so much for the world and you who would rather do something for society: I had to pinch myself. Again, I feel honored to be able to make contact with someone like you.
But enough. Again: Thank you, truly. And one more thing, I am very interested in what kind of art you are doing, would you mind showing me? If it's something that can be shown by a link of course. And one last thing: One day, the Kittehs will rule the world!
Bunny on April 20, 2012:
Yep..my mom was always coercing me into taking care of other people's kids...as if being saddled with her housework and caring for my brother as a preteen weren't enough.
And no Kristina,
Some of us HAVE entered our fifth decade and are genuinely grateful that we did not have children.
I see people with children..and feel sorry for them.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on April 13, 2012:
bdiamond846, I respect your right to express your opinion but you make no sense whatsoever. People like me should NOT have kids because some couple who really wants some themselves is infertile. That doesn't help anyone! Just ask any shrink, they’ll tell you that children born into homes where they're not wanted know it. They can sense it even if you don't tell them outright and that's really psychologically damaging to know your own parents really didn't want you. Why do you think being called an accident stings so bad? I've seen lots of kids grow up this way and it's heart wrenching because nothing good ever becomes of them. They're broken at a level I can't even begin to describe. Do you think its coincidence that Charles Manson's mother was pregnant with him as a teenager and at one point tried to trade him to a waiter for a pitcher of beer?! Most serial killers are created from people who should have never been parents. Besides I may get a career one of these days and I wouldn't be home much anyway. Neglect is almost as bad as outright abuse. It screws with their wee minds. Anyway, I feel for those who want children but can't have any but I also realize there's a TON of children out there who need to be adopted, usually because they were unwanted accidents! There's no reason why anyone should HAVE to pop out their own. Adoption is far nobler anyway.
As far as me being self-centered? Maybe maybe not. Maybe I'd rather be doing something for society as a whole rather than for a single individual. I can't tell you how many ground breaking scientists and humanitarians who changed our world for the better died childless. That's not a coincidence, they were just using their focus on something else.
As for the rest of the comments here... Wow, I wish I had known people were commenting on these articles! I am impressed, amused, and very happy. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman (or man) who doesn't feel they're put on this planet to make more of themselves. To independence! I strongly believe that childless people can still impact the world in positive ways, sometimes in very positive ways as they obsess over the big issues like how to cure cancer or something. Personally my baby is my writing and art. It still makes an impact and will continue to do so for as long as I live and perhaps beyond. Cheers to all!
No Sitter on March 31, 2012:
Anyone who thinks that an aversion to children will magically "go away" is dreaming. I've always said that my potential children can be grateful that I chose not to have them. It's not that I wouldn't make a good mother. I probably could rise to the occasion, and I'm certainly not about abusing or neglecting kids. I simply don't FEEL anything when I'm presented with a "cute" kid. I don't think they're all that wonderful. I don't feel the need to coo at them or make faces at them or hold them or play with them. Puppies are more attractive to me. I'll fuss over a puppy, but a baby is an alien being that has nothing to do with me. Kids in grocery stores annoy the heck out of me when they tear around or throw tantrums. When my niece was born, I was supposed to be all gushy, but honestly, there was just no connection. When my father offered my babysitting services, I tried to refuse. It's not automatic that girls know how to take care of kids or WANT to take care of kids. I had a college friend who plopped her infant son into my lap one day and said, "Oh, you just have to feel what it's like to HOLD a baby!" I said, "Okay, I've held babies. Now take him back." (Moms get all bent out of shape if you "reject" their kids.) So now I'm in my 60s. I didn't outgrow it. I don't miss having children. I don't "yearn" for kids of my own. Seriously. The insistence of some people that there's something wrong with asexual people for not wanting to be around kids doesn't make any of us more willing to be around kids. Don't shove your kid in my face. YOU had him, YOU love him, but you can't force me to feel something I don't feel.
Candace Boris from Boston, Massachusetts on November 23, 2011:
This is one of the best things I've read on HubPages... we share so many of the same opinions on children, I honestly could have written this entry myself.
And to all the close-minded people who said she'll someday be regretful that she didn't have kids or be lonely late in life: If you're measuring your life's happiness or success on whether or not you were able to reproduce, you've endured a fairly pathetic existence.
Not having a family or children does not mean you'll be lonely later in life; nor does having a family or kids guarantee you WON'T end up alone, as spouses and children can die or leave you.
I shouldn't even have to mention how disastrous it would be for a person who dislikes children to end up with kids of their own - imagine how much suffering that would entail, both for the parent(s) who can't stand their children and are forced to put up with their crap for 18 years, and the children who are being raised by parent(s) who don't want them.
One last thing, regarding the possibility of asexuals having hormonal imbalances or the like that might make them not want to have kids - I think that's a terribly simplistic view, since I know people of all sexualities who dislike kids and don't want to have any. Both me (a demisexual woman) and my boyfriend (who's hetero) hate kids and plan to be childfree.
bdiamond846 on October 25, 2011:
Wow I literally almost cried....this is worse than a horror story I'm soooo sad...try to experience abortion then tell me u never want kids again or watch ur friends who love each other trying to have one and it died durring birth...there are soooo many people out there who are trying and can't when u have that possibility if u hate kids at least make ur self useless...I bet ur reasons are evens elfish ex. More time for ur self more $ for ur self oooo the whole world is over populated what r u in china? Seriously that hurts...u know I've been with my man whom I've dearly loved sooo much for the past 2yrs and guess what he said to me 1 yr into our relationship...he doesn't know if he wants any I felt terrible I live with him I love him I want a family! The way u talk about kids its like the worst thing in the world...weren't u that baby to?! Honestly, you are messed up in the head!
Ps: just like u can make ur truthfull comment on here sooo can i
Grace Marguerite Williams from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York on May 29, 2011:
To Theophanes: Great hub. At least you are honest. There are many parents who had children and do not like them. Look at the way children are treated with parents verbally and emotionally abusing them. These parents subconsciously do not like children but had them because of either societal, religious, or parental pressure. There was an article by Anne Landers in the 1970s which did a poll regarding parenthood and a majority of parents REGRETTED having children. If you are a parent who is constantly cross and short-tempered with your children, then you should not have been a parent in the first place. I appreciate your honesty.
Jody on May 04, 2011:
My hate for other people's kids started when I was 15 years old. My dad made me babysit for his new girlfriend's baby who had colic. I had never kept a baby before and had no idea what colic was...and they didn't bother telling me she had it either. Assholes.
So, for the next few hours, all I did was walk the floor with the beast. As soon as I stopped, she would start screaming. As soon as my dad walked in the door, I shoved the baby into her mother's arms and left without even getting paid.
That kid turned me off from kids for a very long time. I couldn't stand my ex-boyfriends nephew who was a hyper little brat of about 3.
I didn't watch anyone else's kids until I had my own about 10 years later. It is true that it's different when they are your own. You will love them and can teach them not to be brats.
To this day I can't stand to hear babies cry with that high pitched scream.
I thought after 15 years and two kids, I was ready for taking care of infants again. I was wrong!! I must have been desperate for money because I agreed to care for twin 2 month old boys. These kids were the brattiest little bastards I have ever seen. I put them down they screamed, I picked them up they stopped. That is a sure sign of a brat.
Their mother would stay gone for hours when I was watching them, not that I blamed her. If she didn't want to be around them, I don't know how she could expect anyone else to. The job only lasted the equivalent of 30 days. I haven't seen the beasts since and they live right across the street. I truly hated them.
The mother obviously expected me to fall in love with them and isn't speaking to me now because I don't want anything else to do with them...ever. She has asked me twice to babysit them for free and I have told her she must have lost her mind. No way I would watch those brats for free. I hated every minute of watching them while I was being paid. They both needed their asses whipped for all the screaming they did every day.
So, here I am 41 and I have come to the conclusion that I will never like other people's kids and will never like babies. I fear for what happens when I have my grandchildren. I truly hope I can fall in love with them like I did my own children.
Madison on April 14, 2011:
My affection for children bounces up and down like a yo-yo. I imagine having kids of my own- quiet, lovable, content-to-sit-in-a-corner-with-a-coloring book-kids, which I have found (through babysitting, etc.) are very hard to come by.Sigh...
I guess motherhood is just not my destiny. Glad to know that others feel my sentiments!
anonymous on April 10, 2011:
I have always been told that my mother claimed that she would never have children but did anyways, and so I will resultantly be no different. This sentiment offends me, of course - being a young female, why am I expected to have any interest in children??? I experimented with this apparent inherent care for such beings through the means of volunteering at a local summer reading program with approximate first grade students, but the situation was often frustrating for me (despite a particular love for reading and preaching of its great benefits). Though children also seem to have a search-and-annoy function to detect those who do not wish to produce peers for them, I must recall my own childhood and endeavour to avoid causing such beings issue through rejection - it is billions of times more painful at a young age.
Kristina on February 05, 2011:
You all say this now (I don't like kids/don't want one) and I suppose it is the highlife to be childless in your 20's/30's but honestly, when you get to about 50 and on I could see alot of you aren't going to think that trust me, because your going to get to a point where your not really going to have any immediate family. Which I think that would be kind of depressing. Also when you are old (very old) as you say it would be annoying to look after I child, you may need someone to help you (with groceries, some of you changing YOUR diaper haha and much much more) and it isn't going to be family, it's going to be some nurse that you don't even know, whos mother decided she wanted kids. I bet that nurse will be the one you were complaining about squealing in the middle of the store. haha.
Karli on February 02, 2011:
I'm asexual, but I love kids. I would never have my own. I find pregnancy and breast-feeding beautiful and all, but I just don't feel the need to have a baby. I would totally adopt children. I might even donate my eggs and/or be a surrogate for someone who can't deliver.
Person on January 16, 2011:
I understand. I also have a problem with children. I would actually say that I hate them.
Elijah on August 08, 2010:
finally someone else who hates kids as much as I do. My boyfriend doesn't understand, he always talks about wanting kinds. Soon I will not be physically able to birth children and i cant wait. he says that I should adopt. um WHY i tell him? Why would I pay a crap load of money so that i could have a gross kid? he says I should get a kid because it would be like having a little friend? psh.. yea a little snotty poopy friend who I will want to punch in the face when they cry, and a little friend who costs a ton of money.
I dont wanna spend my time or money on a kid, and I dont even like children, I just have no patience for them.
Steven Daniels on April 17, 2010:
Wow, excellent hub. To be quite honest, I really don't like babies that much either. Don't me wrong, I don't mind babysitting kids, since it's only for a short time and you get paid for it unlike the parents. At least that's how i look at it. However, I would never want one of my own. Nothing against kids, but I just never envisioned myself as a father. I could go into more details on why I don't see myself as a fatherly figure, but I would have to completely change the subject to talk about my life, and I don't want to hijack your hub like that. lol.
Plus, there's a lot of responsibility involved when you raise a kid that most people don't consider when starting a family. Like for one, preschools and daycare centers are very expensive alone. Which makes it even harder when you have to be able afford other things too for the kid like clothes, food, medical expenses, toys (unless you decide to make them yourself), and other things that it can be quite expensive. Heck, according to most financial analysts for today's economy, a family needs to have both parents working full time jobs to support a family with kids, as this isn't like the old days when a mom could stay at home and take care of things while the father works. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against having kids nor am I one of those guys that don't like the idea of responsibility and whatnot.
No, I just simply never saw myself as a father, as nobody in my family ever respected me much anyway growing up nor listened to me either. Plus, like you from reading your hub, my father wasn't around much for me either growing up as a kid because he was always at work. Even when he wasn't working, he wasn't exactly father of the year either. Long story, trust me. It's because of that, I always envisioned that a man should only be a father, if he meets certain criterias. Which to my shame, I don't meet any of them. Therefore, I wouldn't want to become a father due to the fact that if i did, I know I wouldn't be the type of father he/she/it (lol) deserved.
However, if I did knock up a girl by accident, then of course I would take full responsibility to become the kid's father. Or if the woman I married and loved wanted a child, then to make her happy, I would gladly try to get used to the idea of having a kid and loving it too. However, if none of those scenarios never happened, then I would be just as happy just being married with the girl I loved without kids. Maybe adopt a couple of dogs, as i always found puppies and kitten cuter than babies anyway. lol.
Anyway, before i shut up now, I want to say one more thing. I would love to be an uncle though even though i don't want kids of my own, and here's why. lol. just think of it this way, if your cousins or siblings ever piss you off after they've had kids. then you can buy those kids like noise making toys that will really drive them up the wall to get back at them. it's the perfect revenge because if they ask you about it, you can be coy about it and say you were just buying it for the kids, then watch them squirm. lol. sorry, i know that's a horrible reason to be an uncle, but you got to admit it's very funny though. lol
Anyway, thanks for the great read. :)
Jennifer D. from Canada on April 03, 2010:
Love your Hub, and you views have made me a fan.
I also do not want kids; my man and I call them "squealers" and often tell the parents of offspring to "give it a cookie" when it cries.
My reasons aren't just that I don't really like babies, I think that in this day and age it is irresponsible to procreate. Our planet cannot sustain itself if the human species continues to make more consumers.
I too, wrote a Hub on this issue. I love your honest assessment and give you a Kudos for your Hub.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on December 09, 2009:
Amen! Me too! I had a woman who felt like I do tell me never to have kids after she had her own. She loves the boy, of course, but he makes her so nervous I don't think she'll ever be the same!
Geri Anderson from Arizona on December 09, 2009:
Appreciate your humor and honesty on this subject! Wish more that feel as you do, would do as you've done..
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on November 24, 2009:
There does seem to be an inordinate amount of asexuals who aren't driven to have kids... I can't help but see this, but that's not always the case. Some of use really adore the little boogers and want nothing more than to have a houseful. Humanity comes in all flavors, I suppose.
You can tell by my other articles that I adore pets. Hugging a pet is much different than hugging a human, you know that a pet's hug is never going to lead to screwing the poor thing (unless you're unusually pervvy!)
It's very hard for an asexual to know the difference between a nonsexual touch and one that might have intention behind it. Therefore a lot of us are uncomfortable with it all touch... I'm just coming around to platonic hugs. They've baffled me for years and I've been told I stiffen like a board whenever anyone approaches me... but as with everything I'm learning and hope others can too.
Thanks for the uestions! They were interesting!
i scribble on November 13, 2009:
Interesting. Have you noticed any correlation between asexuality and lack of desire to have children? A hormonal link possibly...
How do you feel about pets? Do you like hugging or any nonsexual touch?
Rita on August 04, 2009:
Haha, I remember the only time I babysat. I was with my best friend at the 4th of July, we were about 15, and we had volunteered to sell tickets. Some other volunteer suddenly decided to pawn her kids off on us and told us to watch them while we walked around the park. They were annoying little brats, and the volunteer had only given us enough money to buy stuff for the kids. They weren't paying us! I told my friend I hadn't signed up for this and she just sighed (she was used to babysitting.)
Eventually I ended up spending the money they gave us to buy lemonade for myself because I was damn thirsty. The little brats kept whining that they wanted to see a clown or something, and then they started to cry that I had spent their money. (I didn't spend all of it, I bought them lemonade too.) My friend said it was okay and that I didn't have to babysit anymore. No one ever asked me to watch their kids again.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on July 07, 2009:
I am so happy there are others... and people who enjoy my little railing. Thanks for the comments!
Michael on July 07, 2009:
This is hilarious! I'm not planning on kids either!
herdthinner on September 03, 2008:
My one and only babysitting task was for my first niece. It was more of an intellectual experiment than "wanting to spend time with my niece." It was a very boring 3-4 hours, but Sis did pay me. Years later I learned from others, my mother included, that expecting pay when watching relatives is simply Not Done.
The sister who lives closest to me, when she was about due with her oen and only kid, I told her that, niece or not, she must never, ever expect me to babysit. This sentiment would never change. Some 6 or 7 years later, she thought it had, and left me a phone message that it was somehow my duty to save them money by providing free babysitting while she and brother-in-law went on a date. Then added, "Oh, and you can bond with her, too." I didn't return her call. Three days later she called me, and I reminded her of my promise. She hung up on me and didn't speak to me for at least a week. Heavy sigh.
Sherri from Southeastern Pennsylvania on February 23, 2008:
I never had a babysitting job I didn't hate, and until I had my own child, I never met a baby I liked. Darn! How come I didn't think of writing this hub? LOVE the baby sweater.
Zsuzsy Bee from Ontario/Canada on January 06, 2008:
Funny...Especially that hideous baby sweater.
Believe it or not it will get better once you have your own...