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History 20.20: Stupidology - the Science of Stupid in the UK

I have no expertise whatsoever, only just enough knowledge of 'this and that' to be dangerous around a keyboard.


A 23rd Century Time Team Exclusive | September something 2220


The final days of the Empire have oft been studied by scholars and academics. The causes and effects of the Fall and the eventual creation of what is now called Jolly Olde Fukland, the Land of the Former UK, has long held a fascination for social scientists and historians. Of particular interest to experts is the effect on the population at time, of the Stupidvirus, which, as the history books tell us was officially named STUPID-20 by scientists, the twenty signifying the year in which the symptoms of Stupidity finally became Terminal and the rest is, as they used to say, History.

Background and Previous Form

Scientists have confirmed through Carbon Footprint dating, that Stupidity had been around for many years before it raised it's head and infected the population like it did. The virus was first recognised during the reign of "Iron Peggy", the cult-like female power dresser who smashed her way to power with a bullet-proof hairdo and a handbag of pig iron with which she bashed Stupidity into her minions, who in turn infected all those souls who "fancy a bird with a 'posh' voice who reminds them of Nanny and has a penchant for disciplining and dominating naughty boys". The Stupidity Virus that emerged during the last decade of the second millennium was not nearly as virulent as the latter strains proved to be, partly because it came with short term attractions such as 'Loadsamoney' and access to the 'Property Ladder of Vacuous Aspiration' that hid the true, long term cost of contracting Stupidity. The Cult of Iron Peggy ruled the Empire for nigh on 40 years and was led by various wealthy ne'er-do-wells and Local Cronies and Backstabbers.

According to Anthropologist and Pandemic expert Dr R. Sole from the University of Northern Greenland, the UK had been in denial as to the level of stupidity present in the country ever since the unsolicited and reckless invasion of Mesopotamia by the what was then known as US, aided by the then UK and various other insignificant countries, their names long forgotten as footnotes in the annals of history. As we now see with hindsight, this ill-advised venture set off countless conflicts for generations to come and still the Stupidity Virus was not identified as the cause of the ensuing Stupidity.

Another type of STUPID

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The first wave that led to the outbreak of STUPID-20, came in 2016 when another blood-based epidemic swept through the UK, infecting all the Northern Folk who had previously been victims of the Cult of Iron Peggy. Also badly infected by the BREXIT-16 virus were the pure-blooded white folk who once lived in the fertile coastal region of East Anglia, now known as the West Channel Shipping Hazard. BREXIT-16 initiated the Big Split that rent the population asunder. Ancient records from the time reveal that despite repeated warnings of dire consequences and impending doom if BREXIT-16 went viral, just over 50% of the population chose it and stuck with their choice despite the obvious Stupidity that it would generate. Even so, archeologists can find no record of STUPIDITY being blamed as the cause of BREXIT-16, although it was certainly the result.

Achieving the "New Normal"

The ancient power struggle between the born-to-be-ulers of the UK saw the eventually rise to the top job of the man who wanted to be Prime Minister since he was a baby, but didn't want to actually do Prime Ministerial things. 'The Worst PM Ever' as he became known at the time, surrounded himself with a sycophantic team and despite being not only infected with Stupidity himself, was quite happy to infect the rest of the nation in an active experiment known as Herd Stupidity (HS), where he denied that Stupidity was dangerous, then proceeded to stupidly shake hands with legitimate sick people who were suffering from an actual respiratory Pandemic Virus that was apparently rampant at the time called COVE-something or other. The theory behind HS was ingeniously simple - If everyone is Stupid then Stupidity become the Norm.

Fuelled by blatant lies and fed with distracting trivia such as football and competitions offering tits, travel and Loadsamoney, The Worst PM Ever convinced the population to elect him to the role of PM in Perpetuity, in the process slaughtering the Official Opposition led by a little known gardener whom scientists believe could have been the 'Messiah', given that this little known figure's initials corresponded with those of the original Messiah circa Year Zero AD. Sadly, whoever this JC person was, he was crucified by the powerful scribes who whipped up the Stupid to vote against their best interests and elect The Worst PM Ever instead, sealing the fate of their country and their sanity for ever more.

Breaking Up: Not So Hard To Do

The STUPID-20 Virus led to almost the entire population of the UK becoming stupid, some worse than others, depending on the 'Viral Load'. At one point it got so bad that once-clever people tore off their mask and went to mass protests 'Face Naked'. At the same time the UK began to break up, starting with what we now call Wee Scotland, followed closely by Ireland reuniting with the Northern Provinces and Wales erecting The Welsh Wall, the ruins of which are still visible from Moonshot Space Base. It was designed to keep out Jolly Olde Fuklanders "once and for all boyo!" History tells of how the three former UK nations went on to form the CU - the Celtic Union - a happy place where everyone played an instrument and sang and danced non-stop at ceiledhs where they drank vast quantities of a cold, black, beer-like drink followed by a very strong, fiery liquid known as 'weedrams'. After a millennium of suffering the pains of Stupidity, the original Celtic Britons finally reached the state of Zero-STUPID. Recently unearthed manuscripts reveal that Stupidity continued to ravage Jolly Olde Fukland even as the sea levels rose and the trade deals dried up. The Jolly Olde Fuklanders continued to insist on Stupidity & Sovereignty over Sanity & Unity until all vestiges of the once great Empire disappeared beneath the waves of the stupidly ignored global warming climate catastrophe.


Small enclaves of survivors of STUPID-20 still exist to this day. In fact this Historian (Me) is writing from the Isle of Norwich in the East Norfolkian Archipelago, located about 150 Kilometres as the drone flies, off the coast of Nottinghamshire. Despite suffering its fair share of STUPID-20, it somehow managed to survive into the future due to it's isolation and the fact that 'you don't pass through' it to get to anywhere else, hence the worst affects of Stupidity were avoided by outsiders 'gettin' in'. When sea levels rose in the 2080s and engulfed the East Coast, Stupidity was so wide spread across Jolly Olde Fukland that no one in the rest of the country realised that Norwich had some quite steep hills with colourful names like Gas, Grapes and Long John. They stupidly thought it was pancake flat and had thus disappeared beneath the waves of Global Warming and was subsequently written off and forgotten over time. In summary, the lesson from history is that when it comes to Pandemics of any kind one should always refer to the ancient three phrase slogan that was never actually used at the time: Wear a Mask | Stay Local | Don't be Stupid.

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