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Critical Face Theory: An Introduction

The Basics of Critical Face Theory

A humanity-defining era has been ushered in with the recent surge in popularity of Critical Face Theory. This ideology holds that beings with faces have endured, and continue to endure, brutal discrimination from beings without faces throughout the history of homo-sapiens and other "faced" species. CFT seeks to bring attention to their plight. Facism (face-izm), the practice of applying burden unequally to life-forms based solely on having a face, or certain facial features, must be eradicated.

Among humans, CFT knows no race, gender, class, religion, species, physiology, physicality, or intelligence. It is simply about the insurmountable supremacy of organisms without faces, like bacteria or fungi, compromising the lives of organisms with faces, like us and our pets. And even creatures like termites. Termites have faces, contrary to popular belief. Some recent evidence of this institutional marginalization of "faced" organisms were the COVID-19 infections of millions of people. That's right, getting COVID is a clear example of discrimination based on face. Therefore, an examination of CFT’s origin and purpose and tenets is in order.

The main "thoroughfare" idea of CFT is that the largest, most intelligent beings on the planet, us and our animal and insect buddies who contribute the most to the glory of the Earth, are being messed with by the tiniest, most useless and stupid life forms. How has Mr. Strepto Coccus improved life on Earth? Runny noses and fever? Has Mr. Micro Sporidia shown any interest in the plight of humanity? What, chronic diarrhea? This discriminatory siege is coming from the three kingdoms of life on this planet: Eukaryota without faces i.e. fungi, Bacteria i.e. spirochetes, and Archea i.e. halophiles. (There are no "faced" creatures in the Bacteria and Archea kingdoms, only in the Eukaryota kingdom. Further, while viruses like covids and rhinos are not members of any of the three kingdoms because they are not dead or alive, they are clearly facists, having compromised and destroyed the lives of many faced beings.) CFT seeks to understand these facist forces at work, which are slowly destroying the "face" species' ability to pursue happiness and care for our fellow human beings. The faces below are just a few examples of the marginalized face-beings occupying this planet.

These Are Just a Few of the "Faces" of Critical Face Theory

The Poster Mantis for CFT

The Poster Mantis for CFT

The Poster Cat for CFT

The Poster Cat for CFT

The poster Pygmy Marmoset for CFT

The poster Pygmy Marmoset for CFT

The poster Human for CFT

The poster Human for CFT

The Tree of Life

The Tree of Life (Phylogenetic Tree) contains three kingdoms: Bacteria, Archea and Eukaryota. Humans and other animals are in the Eukaryota kingdom. (See diagram below.) The Eukaryota kingdom includes the face-beings who know the savagery of phylogenetic class inequities. The people versus Lady Escherichia Coli, for example, the reputed "intestinal-do-gooder" who maintains her quiet attack forces in our food supply. See her portrait below. Horrible abdominal pain, vomiting and diarrhea for us but joy for those faceless E. Coil marauders who, for free, get a reproductive orgy party in our guts and then the "Intestinal Express" roller coaster fun ride right out of our bodies. Facists, all of them! And it's a systemic problem; the various classes of Bacteria, Archea, and unfaced Eukaryota have been flourishing at our expense for thousands of years, and all we've been told to do is wash our hands more often or wait patiently in forced quarantine isolation like the lepers were made to. Ridiculous! Even faceless members of our own kingdom, fungi, for example, have compromised our lives. How many of us have enjoyed toenail fungus? Sir Trichophyton Rubrum and his many cronies get the credit for their facist assault on the human toenails of the Earth. Do these fungi have faces? Nope. Otherwise we might be happy to have them smiling up at us from our toes. Toenail fungus is yet another example of systemic discrimination based on face. Ever seen a slime mold with gross toenails? Exactly! The phylogenetic tree diagram below can help you gain an understanding of the myriad of facist life forms expediting our demise.

Note that most classes of the three kingdoms of life forms do not have faces. CFT seeks to bring to light the horror of Bacteria supremacy, Archea supremacy, and non-faced Eukaryota supremacy and the damage they do to societies of faced beings. Note: while it's true that the Archea kingdom beings don't cause disease in humans, and might even foster symbiotic relationships with us, they have been found to be present in larger numbers concurrent with certain diseases of which we suffer, suggesting an opportunistic flourish! Therefore, the Archea are still culpable.

Lady Escherichia, the Facist!

Lady Escherichia Coli, all in pretty in pink, showcasing an alluring coif, disguising her true facist character. Look closely and you will see that she has no face!

Lady Escherichia Coli, all in pretty in pink, showcasing an alluring coif, disguising her true facist character. Look closely and you will see that she has no face!

The Phylogenetic Tree and its Facist Classes!

The Phylogenetic Tree

The Phylogenetic Tree

The Genesis of Critical Face Theory

Critical Face Theory was conceived concurrently over many years by smart people who realized that the recently discovered populations of microscopic "unfaced" beings were bullying "faced" beings. The Black Plague, for example, was the first time which people began to coelesce the theory into what it is today. That's correct, the faceless creature which causes the plague, Yersinia Pestis, the name I would have given to a horrifyingly horrible supervisor years ago, was the perpetrator of the suffering and death of many people in the three pandemics she caused. When reparations were sought, blame was simply shifted to the careless and hedonistic lifestyles of faced creatures, like humans and rats and fleas. Yersinia and her many siblings got a pass every time. Blame the victims!

The universe pretends to love faced-creatures, yet when real resources and support are needed, the "love" takes a hush-hush night flight to somewhere else. We are told it's our fault, that if certain procedures had been followed, like wearing masks and getting vax jabs, and separating ourselves from our loved ones, we would not be under the domination and oppression of faceless beings. The victims are conveniently written into history as the perpetrators. Our oppression by Bacteria, Archea and unfaced Eukaryota is simply a function of our own selfish and stupid behavior. Critical Face Theory lauds us faced creatures for surviving in these oppressive conditions, conditions which would seem to know no end.

We must take steps to understand facism and it’s causes in the breadth of various life-forms on Earth. For example, why do most phylogenetic life forms get to not have faces? Why are some of us eukaryotes stuck with faces? I am tired of my face, for example. It is nothing more than a wrinkled, blotched, sagging repository for sense organs which are constantly barraged by facist organisms as though my face were a simultaneous grand opening, going out of business, quarter priced blowout sale at every mall across America. Eye infections, ear infections, skin infections, not to mention the internal infections we, uh, face. Think of how much fun all the nearly thirty-thousand species of bacteria have had in the last millenia, at our expense, just because we have faces!

"You going in through the mouth?" The spirochete asked.

"Uh, yeah." Another spirochete replied. Mouths have worked for us for ages and this guy has a plenty big one."

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"Humans are such losers. They plunder around our planet destroying it a little more every day. And they call us 'pathogens!'" Another chimed in. "They deserve our wrath."

Archea, and most Eukaryota are also facists. It is simply unjust that most microorganisms can thrive without the burden of having a face. Have you ever seen spirochaetae, halophile, or plants … with faces? It's simply this core of non-faced supremacists giving thrust to the Critical Face Theory promulgation.

The genesis of this phylogenetic "racism" is the LUCA. The Last Universal Common Ancestor is the "trunk and roots" of the Phylogenetic Tree and the "root" of this horrible discrimination-by-face stigma that we are currently mired in. The LUCA decided, apparently long ago, which life forms would get stuck with brows, chins, nostrils, cheekbones, lips, or eyeballs. Eyelashes, teeth, hair. This LUCA is the pile of organisms from which all current life on Earth shares a common genetic makeup. It's what we all descended from. Yes, that includes everything from planctomyces, to pyrodicticum to uh…us. We are all related by the LUCA. And the LUCA's legacy is this un-faced-life-form supremacy. Bacteria privilege, in the case of strep throat, for example. It's like having your cousins disrespect you on social media, poison you and then report your existence to the police to be summarily followed by your arrest and conviction! Insanity!

The Facets of Facism

Firstly, it is important to note that the concept of "face" is not some random biological outcome. Rather, it is a LUCA construct. The Phylogenetic Tree was created by the ancient LUCA organisms with the goal of oppressing and exploiting face-organisms to assure the continued bacterial domination of the Earth. But they were clever. The LUCA gave us faces-attached-to-craniums-imprisoning-brains to deceive us into thinking we were the most intelligent life forms on Earth. While we luxuriate in our false status, egos inflating like hydrogen-bomb mushroom clouds, the Bacteria Kingdom and to lesser extents, the Archea and Eukaryota Kingdoms, craft their plans for advancing their world control, even though they already have it.

Interestingly enough, it is the viruses who are getting more and more of the action lately, and really pissing off the Bacteria kingdom. The up-and-coming virus, setting off much concern in non-faced social circles, Ms. Corona 2019, has stolen the show. And never has the response from the bungling humans been so pathetic.

"Hey look, a virus!" Said the politician.

"Oh, oh. Let's shut down the world so we can, uh, feel good about ourselves." Said a politician.

"Yes! You are so smart!" Said the politician.

"Thanks. I am, after all, just another pretty face." Said a politician.

But Facism doesn't stop with faces; it also causes discrimination by facial "features." For example if your nose shape is "pointed" or "bulbous," those characteristics are not facts but rather judgments so that non-faced beings can associate you with certain characteristics that may make it justified for them to infect you. For example, many species of halophiles consider faced-beings with such noses as incapable of rational thought. Or perhaps your cheekbones are low, lining up with your tiny nostrils; protobacteria and methanococcus have, with great contempt, associated these characteristics with careless and impetuous personalities. In other words, you tiny-nosed, dropped-cheekbone types are "sitting ducks" for microbial invasion. You will be disparaged in their social communication and infected way more than your high-cheekboned comrades. Facism is real.

Further, Facism is not some acute condition, like lightning. More like fog. Fog that lasts all day. It doesn't just strike and disappear. It is woven through the fabric of the lives of faced beings, who are always at the merciless judgment of the three kingdoms. Faced beings face the results of Facism as a regular aspect of their lives. Faced life forms are more likely to fall while sleeping, sleep while falling, become buffeted by wind, get winded at buffets, get sick during vacation, or vacation when sick, as compared with, for example, plants or gram positive bacteria.


The Solution to Facism: No Faces!

The solution to Facism is simply: no more faces. Sounds stupid, and it is! For your own good and the good of all: "your face…we will replace"-sing along now-"we gotta stop facism's disgrace." Anyway, your SuperskinTM face-replacement will fool all those facists because it is a mostly featureless flat block with light and gas permeable membranes where your eyes, nose and mouth once were. But, facist microbes cannot penetrate this space-age material! Like a COVID mask but way more effective. Check out the picture of how good you could look in the near future! And, it will be at no charge to you unless you are a taxpayer! Go no faces!

Check out the new look of humanity!

Finally Facism Fear Fails!

Finally Facism Fear Fails!

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and does not substitute for diagnosis, prognosis, treatment, prescription, and/or dietary advice from a licensed health professional. Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis. Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency.

© 2022 John Sebastian

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