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Coffee? Tea? Or Bovine Smoothie?

Bovine Smoothie - The King of American Politics

Artwork - Smoothie Extra Hay by HourGlassPony @

Artwork - Smoothie Extra Hay by HourGlassPony @

When you think of the phrase "Bovine Smoothie", you might think it is just another name for a Milk Shake. We all have had Milk Shakes, those thick creamy drinks made from soft melting ice cream and filled with sugary sweetness. These drinks have a tendency to drive you into a brief state of hyperactivity before lulling you into a state of drowsy complacency, or even better, sleep.

But this article is not about drinks; it is about naming political parties after drinks.

So, who are the Bovine Smoothies? Before answering that question, here is a quick reminder of what the Tea Party stands for, and what the term Coffee Party refers to.


Artwork - Drink Coffee by Purple Pixie @

Artwork - Drink Coffee by Purple Pixie @


Artwork - Mad Tea Party by Hanto @

Artwork - Mad Tea Party by Hanto @

Coffee and Tea Parties

According to one website which indicates it is “The Official Home of the American Tea Party Movement”, the core values of the Tea Party are Fiscal Responsibility, Constitutionally Limited Government, and Free Markets. The Tea Party name derives from an event that occurred in the 1700’s when our founders protested taxation without representation by boarding ships that were importing tea and tossing that tea into the harbor.

According to their website the Coffee Party is about cooperation in government. The site says that government is not the enemy of the people, and seeks to engage people in the process of government.

The Tea party addresses values; the Coffee Party appears to address process and roles and getting people involved in government. This author strongly concurs that our government is not the enemy of the people, but reserves the right to his opinion that the people we have elected have largely become misguided with respect to their roles in government as defined in our Constitution. Simply stated, we elect representatives not rulers.

Who are the Bovine Smoothies?

The two most dominant types of Bovine Smoothie go by the name "Democrats" or "Republicans".

The pure democratic form of the Bovine Smoothie is ‘one person, one vote’ with all votes equal. This is a utopian mixture where all people vote on issues they want to vote on, with no representatives in-between.

The pure republican form of the Bovine Smoothie is ‘voters choose representatives to govern’. This mixture does not require as much in-depth day-to-day individual attention by the voter, but does require representatives dedicated to their constituency.

The modern form of the Bovine Smoothie is an evolution derived from mixing the republican and democratic forms, with a nested hierarchy to the votes where all people get to vote for representatives (those who can stir their Bovine Smoothie the best); who in turn vote on things that only those thoroughly familiar with Bovine Smoothie doctrine can understand. Bovine Smoothies have the ability to churn out phrases that make no sense to most folks, and distance themselves from those who elected them by talking in a language only Bovine Smoothies can understand. (much like this author writing about Bovine Smoothies)

Some Familiar Bovine Smoothie Phrases

  1. Things Work Differently in Washington

    Apparently when new congressmen get to Washington, they get taken aside by elder more experienced legislators and are advised that things work differently in Washington. If you happen to know a native of DC, they will tell you the same thing. Some new congressmen have even indicated that their early time in office gets obligated to being briefed on how to obtain funding for their next campaign instead of the people’s business at hand, and to forming those loose quid-quo-pro partnerships that allow things to get done in DC. To many of us outside Washington, this gives all the appearance of an early addiction to the false-empowerment effect of an overly sweet Bovine Smoothies.

  2. Don’t Read the Law (It is good for you)

    Laws are meant to be passed, not read. If you follow Bovine Smoothie doctrine it is Congresses job to make laws, not know what they are. Senior (senile) Bovine Smoothies would probably prefer that you do not read at all.

    Our news media and mainstream has the power to do us all a great service. Before inviting a political staffer, representative, senator or other government representative for an interview about a law or issue, simply ask them two questions. First, are they familiar with the topic? Second, have they been briefed on the topic? If the answer is “no” to both questions, then tell them that we really do not want to hear their unqualified opinion, and find someone else to invite. It reflects just as poorly on the press as it does on the person they interview when the interviewee is uneducated on the topic under discussion. A broadcast based on an ignorant Bovine Smoothie input is unsatisfactory.

  3. Let Me Be Perfectly Clear

    Let us not kid ourselves. Bovine Smoothies are made from creamy opaque milk. Even a polarized perspective starts with some semblance of clarity. Under Bovine Smoothie doctrine "perfect clarity" means making a statement that can be determined at a later time to be literally true, while at the same time leaving the listener with an impression that exactly the opposite intent was stated. This oxymoronic technique for wording phrases is often referred to as 'political truth'.

  4. Everybody Does It

    This line usually indicates that the Bovine Smoothie has chosen to ignore a law because all the other Bovine Smoothies ignore it. This is because the Bovine Smoothies regard themselves as the cream of the mixture, and are above it all. The laws they make for us do not always apply to them. The have separate laws.

  5. Sit Down and Shut Up

    In the past few decades, Bovine Smoothies have become accustomed to stating or debating their position on issues using broadcast media, in hopes of gaining approval on their position during the next election. There are two problems with this, the first is, in order to receive the broadcast, we the listeners actually do have to sit down and shut up. The second problem is that there is no opportunity for immediate feedback. When the opportunity for feedback does occur, it is usually in response to some well-phrased poll question that, intentionally or not, stifles the ability to express what you really think.

    This particular line, when it comes from your representative, is an indication of prolonged addiction to Bovine Smoothies. It is an indication that the representative has become confused about what it means to represent. He (or she) has been in Washington too long, and has become so accustomed to the way things work in Washington that they need to go home and get the rest that is the natural result of a steady diet of Bovine Smoothies. Perhaps the ‘sit down and shut up’ line should be tossed right back at them, and they should be told to get off the throne and go home where the lingering effects of the Bovine Smoothie can pass without disturbing others.

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Whatever ‘we the people’ do though, we should never be content with sitting down and shutting up. We too have a role in our government. That role is exercised by providing alternative perspectives, by expressing our opinions, and ultimately by voting. Our government belongs to the people. Our representatives are only temporarily granted the authority to make laws. Our representatives can only temporarily lull themselves into believing that they are our lords. If our representatives can not avoid the false-empowerment addiction of a Bovine Smoothie, then it is our duty to remind them, by voting them out.

Drink up at your own risk, whatever your drink, and don’t forget to Vote.


jtcarr1164 from Tueplo, Mississippi on November 03, 2010:

Not a writer? MY *SS! This is another awesome Hub! I am becoming a major fan of yours. You have a unique way of putting things, and I am green with envy!

epigramman on August 25, 2010:

..if I had moral and spiritual choices here I would choose the natural highs of your hubs - they are absorbing and capitvating!

FitnezzJim (author) from Fredericksburg, Virginia on June 13, 2010:

Thanks for the feedback Pete. Agree with your point on representation and it being a two way street. We have something like three hundred million different perspectives on concerns and issues, represented in Congress by only 435 people. The differences that arise there need to be communicated back in a level-headed manner that states the case of the other positions, so that understanding develops if not concurrence or agreement.

Unfortunately, the feedback often comes in the form of accusations that the other team doesn't get it, followed by tactic of belittling or attempting to invalidate the other perspective. It's the gradeschool schoolyard mentality "you don't think like me, so I'm not going to play with you", a mentality that we want our elected officials to have outgrown. Denying alternative points of view is like putting on those polarized sunglasses that I learned about as a kid.

Agree also with your comment on manipulating folks through bad information. It happens far too often and should not be tolerated as a tactic, irregardless of whose team you’re on.

Pete Maida on May 29, 2010:

I agree with most of what you say, but you have to agree that a repesentative has to do more than listen to the people. The people do not have all of the facts and the representative, in some cases, can't tell them the facts because the are classified.

Also we have seen many times when a group will be stirred up into a frenzy and carefully manipulated into a protest. Not all the people are speaking from their heart; there speaking from hearing some crazy statement like the government's health care plan will create death squads. Many of the recent protests were from people being fed either partial or just plain wrong information.

When someone stands up and tells Barney Frank that he supports a Nazi policy, knowing Barney Frank is both gay and Jewish, he response of "What plantet are you from" to me was quite valid.

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