Flatulence is a natural bodily function that must be done by humans and animals. But one set of species seem to take flatulence to a whole new level by applying funny to the act of doing so. Flatulence is the passing of gas from the digestive system out of the back passage. Flatus is the medical word for gas generated in the intestinal tract expelled through the anus. When these gasses pass through, many times they leave some really unpleasant fragrance we wish our nose never met. Some farts smell so bad that even a skunk is shocked when it reaches his nostril. We know we all have to do a fart, but there are just certain places who should never let one rip. Here is my list of 5 places you should never fart.
1. In The Elevator
Come on guys, this is just not funny at all. You got up this morning and ate a huge boiled egg tuna sandwich with anchovies and avocado and washed it down with a tall glass of almond milk. You rush to your vehicle and realize that your tummy is a bit unsettled. You begin to pass some really stink gas that would dissolve the skin from anyone bones. You finally reach your place of work and hop in the elevator. Your stop is on the 18th floor of the 22 floor building. You crack one from the second floor with the lift jammed packed with everyone trying to reach their desk before being counted as late. Everyone is now turning green with upset stomach and disgust at your nostril stabbing farts. And to make matters worst you crack about four before you finally reach your stop. Medics are now on the way as several persons have passed out due to smell contamination. You find it amusing and laugh all the way to your desk. You just cannot fart in the elevator jammed with people, this will definitely cause an epidemic!
2. On Your Blind Or First Date
There is stuff you do and then there is stuff you just don't do. Cracking a loud, wet and disgusting fart on your blind or first date is not only disgusting, its relationship breaking. So you are going on a date for the first time and you both decide to go to a cozy little restaurant with a nice quite candlelight settings just for two. You both develop deep conversation and the magic of attraction sprinkles on your head like fairy dust from Tinkerbell. Right in the middle of an insightful conversation you just let the genie out the bottle, you wet the cotton, you discouraged the nose, you had a disgusting loud fart that smelled like you made your coffee with sewage water. Your date is overwhelmed by you constant farting and decided that she as punished her smelling senses long enough and gives you the old "Just going to the rest room line". You sit there like a baboon waiting almost half an hour for a date who has snuck out the back way just to avoid a smelly situation.
3. At The Job Interview
You have been home for five years sitting on you lazy butt drinking beer and eating Doritos. Your mom knocks on the cellar door and tells you that its time to get a job and leave their home as they shouldn't have kids at age forty-five still feeding. So even though you are lazy you are still lucky. You send out a couple resumes and in the space of a week you are called to an interview at a very prominent and profitable organization. So you borrow a little money from mom to get a shave and a cheap suite to go do your interview. You step in and have a witty look about you. You are asked various questions and you are doing quite well in your answers, then all of a sudden you feel the urge to blow out and you just simply crack a loud fart to the surprise of the interviewers. The room suddenly smells like rotting fish and the stench is unbearable. To make matters worse you do it again. The interview is then cut short as the panel can no longer bare your wicked flatulence. You were about to land a great job, but now you are still jobless and your resume literally stinks.
4. At the Altar Getting Married
Here comes the bride, all dressed in whatever color she chooses. So it is your big day, a wonderful day. Today you will become a husband or a wife, today two hearts will join as one in holy matrimony. So you are both standing at the altar and the catholic priest is addressing you both while eying little Tommy sitting alone at the corner bench. Delving a little bit into some scriptures regarding marriage of how your bodies don't belong to you anymore but to each other. Smiles are a plenty as the congregation listens and watches in glee. Now the big questions are finally about to be asked and everyone listens keenly. Do you, Jonathon McPoo take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold till you loose your job and she leaves? As you are about to commit away your happiness you feel a terrible cramp in your stomach and you must ease your self by flatulence. Now you think you can squeeze it out gently so no one hears but you have little control over the force of the fart and it just barges out like a gang of football hooligans. Not only was it loud, it is Hell raising stink too. The church is disrupted in laughter and your bride is in tears as now her wedding day as become a farting day. She runs down to the alter and back into the rented limousine. So not only did you mess up your wedding day, you messed up your pants too.
5. While Defusing A Terrorist's Bomb
We live in a world where there are so much crazy people walking around trying to get their crazy agendas heard. Whether it be government blowing up its own people for a bill to be passed or some stupid psychopath planting a bomb in the girls restroom at some high school. So you are part of the bomb squad and you have had 99% success defusing bombs. The 1% fail was when your buddy Thomas was employed to the bomb unit and nobody knew he was color blind until they told him to cut the red wire and well, lets just say he is here no more. There is a new psychopath in town known as The Dos Bomber, a copy cat from the uni Bomber. He goes around planting bombs in latrines all over England, blowing up toilets when no one is using them. Your team gets a lead about a bomb planted in a toilet somewhere in Nottingham. Your squad suites up, drinks a bit of tea and then rush to defuse the bomb. The area is cordoned off and excitement fills the air. You and two other team members are assigned to diffuse the bomb. Bob had curry for lunch that day and was cracking silencers all day. Now when you are diffusing a bomb you have to be dead accurate and dead silent. Time is important as well. You find the solution to diffusing the bomb, it is sound and motion sensitive and if jerked with a certain force, the bomb will explode. You are an expert and you have dealt with and seen this before. Bob stomach begins to growl and everyone stops and looks at bob anticipating another stinky silenter. Nothing happens, bob is good. You hold the motion sensor on the bomb to disengage it and suddenly Bob lets out an earth tremor that literally echoes in the latrine. The Timer on the bomb begins to tick and it is set for 15 seconds. You all dash out in and shout out to everyone to get back. The bomb explodes and takes the toilet with it. Bob is fired from the bomb squad for disorderly conduct.
How about a little fart prank. You can easily trick people into believing you actually cracked the whip next to them.
Clive Williams (author) from Jamaica on May 27, 2015:
lol@billy...keep thoses gases down sir
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on May 27, 2015:
All good tips, Clive. Thanks for the heads up. I'm now ready to go out in public armed with great advice. :)
clivewilliams on May 19, 2015:
@frankantacio....lol ..you can do both.
Frank Atanacio from Shelton on May 19, 2015:
LOL.. I don't know whether to fart or laugh LOL love this little piece :)
Clive Williams (author) from Jamaica on May 18, 2015:
lol@jodah....watch those beans
John Hansen from Queensland Australia on May 18, 2015:
What a hilarious hub Clive. You are fast taking over from kenneth Avery and drbj as the writer of the funniest hubs. A real contender for the 2015 Hubbie awards when they roll around. I often get the urge in supermarket aisles for some reason...and a quick dash from condiments to cereals is often required. Voted up.
Clive Williams (author) from Jamaica on May 18, 2015:
Thanks Minnetonka Twin, its always good to start the day with a smile or better yet a good laugh. Works wonders
Linda Rogers from Minnesota on May 18, 2015:
What a fun way to begin my day. What is it about flatulence/farting that makes the most composed person a little kid? Great hilarious hub on the wrong places to fart. Hit many buttons and voted up!