It is time to seize the day!
Okay, a lot of people have been complaining about their nosey neighbors and their Nazi like Home Owners Associations lately, and my article on How to Handle Difficult People| A New and More Effective Approach in Dealing With Difficult Coworkers has helped millions upon millions of people(at least in my mind). I think it is beyond time to tell people how to handle those troublesome neighbors. You could read other articles about how to deal with your HOA and it will tell you to, “Expect the best”, from your HOA or neighbor. You have already expected the best from both parties and they turned out to be an HOA dictatorship and your neighbors, Neanderthals. So, here is a practical list of what you can do about your pesky neighbors or the HOA.
1. Cut the head off a live chicken and leave it on their doorstep. Also, make sure to spread a little blood on the porch, so it looks like some kind of voodoo ritual took place. As an aside, if you are a vegetarian or you do not want to hurt a poor chicken, cut the head off a rubber chicken and leave it on their porch. Also, spread ketchup on their porch instead of blood. In fact, the use of a rubber chicken might be more intimidating because who the heck cuts the head off a rubber chicken?
2. Have your friends dress up as Satan worshippers and come to your house for a party. Please note, that you need to make that the annoying neighbors or members of your HOA witnesses your gathering. When a member of your group notices your victims watching, everyone in your group should turn- as one- and stare at them. If you even want to be more intimidating, everyone should chant in one voice, “Kratos, Vanamous, Chronus, Dios.” I would then have everyone march in your house, take their black robes off, and hide them. I would also keep plenty of bibles out in case the police show up. You can then claim that you were having a bible study and that your strange neighbors belong to some crazy cult that believes that everyone, besides them, worships Satan. Also, mention that your neighbors or HOA belong to the local militia and that you have seen those "wackos" hoarding guns.
3. Have you ever seen those glowing red eyes, you can buy at Halloween, which makes it look like monsters are looking out your window? If you have never seen them, look at the pictures included with this hub. Whatever the case may be, use these novelties to increase your intimidation factor.
4. Dig a body size hole in your front yard, but I would make sure to call the electric company to flag any important wires or pipes in your front yard before doing so. This will also peak your neighbors curiosity. Then, you buy two of the largest Saint Joseph Statues you can find and stuff them, end to end, in a body bag. Also, make sure that you stuff the bag with paper to make it look like it contains a body. Now you are ready to dig your hole, remember to make sure the hole is not too deep but long enough to accommodate a body. Then once you are sure that your neighbors or HOA members are looking, bury the body bag. You will not have to wait long for the police to arrive. You then dig up the body bag and present the "bodies" to the cops. When the police ask you why you did such a thing, you present an online article about how burying a statue of Saint Joseph is supposed to help you sell your house. Then tearfully say that you are going to have to sell your house because of you nosy neighbors. Also, mention between heart rendering sobs, while holding an infant or puppy, that you had also hope that the statues would protect you from that weird cult your neighbor or HOA belongs too.
5. Check on the noise ordinances in our neighborhood. Most ordinances allow you to make all the noise you want from 7:00 AM to 6:00 PM, so run that leaf blower all you want or maybe rent a jackhammer.
6.Have a garage sale and sell creepy things like heads in jars or scary dolls. They will have a great creep out factor on your targets. The two heads, wrapped in plastic, are actually made of bread. Such novelty items might also be a great contribution to the local bake sale.
7. Sharpen you knives, chainsaws, and axes in a very public way. In fact, you can rent an old-fashioned sharpening wheel to make an even bigger impact on your audience. I have even included a picture of a mask or costume you can wear when trimming the bushes.
8. Have some friends impersonate the mob and visit you. Again, when you catch your audience looking, have everyone turn and look at them.
9. You should actually join the HOA. I know this advice seems a little conservative for me and this article, but doing so has many benefits: You will learn the rules of the HOA, so you can find out how you can annoy them or your annoying neighbor even more. Furthermore, you can intimidate the HOA members by saying things like , “ I wonder what it is like to hunt a human being.” Or you could say the extremely painful sounding alternative,“I am so angry that I could kill someone with a cheese grater.” You could also wear some of the neat contacts that I have conveniently added to this Hub (your victims will freak out for sure); however, make sure that you let them know that you will never leave your home… even in death.
10. Go down to the Goodwill and buy a telescope and a pair of binoculars. Make sure to put the telescope near a window facing in their general direction. If you see either party spying on you, let them see you looking at them with the binoculars or telescope. Furthermore, remember that everyone has skeletons in there closet, and you just might stumble upon something.
In closing, remember that you do have viable options, and that you are willing to go to any length to do what you want because this is America! Oh, and make sure to let your neighbors or the HOA know that the weird behavior will end, when they start leaving you alone.
pmorries (author) from Golden, CO on March 23, 2015:
Tee on March 22, 2015:
This is absolutely hilarious!!! Haven't laughed like this about nosy neighbors and the hoa nazis until I saw this! Brilliant just brilliant!
Timmy on October 10, 2013:
This is hilarious advice...I knew someone who actually mailed a voodoo doll wiith pins to a neighbor with whom they had issues. Apparently, he told the neighborhood gossip about how there were satan freaks messing with hs head.
John Hansen from Gondwana Land on October 10, 2013:
Great hub, very funny and I may actually try some of these suggestions.
SJW on August 30, 2012:
I'm currently dealing with not only a nosy neighbor, but the president of the HOA lives across the street as well. They both love to peer over the back fence and files complaints about various minor issues with the fenced in cubicle they like to call my backyard. The neighbor just reported me a couple weeks ago because I had some tall weeds in the backyard (was out of town, so wasn't around to take care of the yard) and that one of them had overgrown into her yard. I've since taken care of the problem, but she has yet to pull the part of the weed out of her backyard. Yeah, seems like a real big issue all of a sudden. So, I finally had enough and have started signing them up for mailing lists. I only wish I could see the looks on their faces when they receive their sex toy catalogs and Romney literature.
ALGPL on August 24, 2012:
Sometimes the issues that come with living in an HOA seem endless. Great advice ;)
pmorries (author) from Golden, CO on June 14, 2012:
Any article with a rubber chicken in it is deadly serious!
Theresa Ast from Atlanta, Georgia on June 14, 2012:
Interesting that you mention it, because I get irritated, no actually furious, when people say things like: The town mayor must be a Nazi because he wants to limit my right to purchase an AK-47. or My parents are Nazis and said I cannot stay out till 2:00 on a school night.
You get the point I am sure. One, their hyperbole is simply ridiculous and incredible self-serving and two, it is clear they have absolutely no idea who the Nazis were, what they stood for, or what they did!
Same is true of the word holocaust. There are times when using the word (little h) is quite appropriate, but.... "The president's (pick a president, any president) choices will lead to a holocaust of immense proportions in (pick a country, any country).
But Nazi for comedic affect? I am OK with that. :)
I know, I know, it was a serious hub with serious suggestions to help people who have neighbor and HOA problems. :)
pmorries (author) from Golden, CO on June 13, 2012:
phdast7, I was worried that you might be offended by my use of the word Nazi. I know that it is an over used word, but I was not creative enough to come up with an alternative (that would work with Google).
Theresa Ast from Atlanta, Georgia on June 13, 2012:
You seem to have an unending supply of hysterical, weird, strange Hubs. Please don't stop now. Sharing.
GH Price from North Florida on May 30, 2012:
Hilarious, yet awesome advice. I'd share this in z heartbeat if I could figure out how to do it from my phone!