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Not So Simply Waiting

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The thought of death frightens me, keeping me up throughout the night – trembling, gasping for air, helpless and silent.

I do not fear the act of dying; I fear failing to live.

I fear being in a state of constantly waiting to begin.

I fear living to appease others – never living for myself.

I fear running out of time - dying before truly living.

My nightmare is spending my years on Earth obsessed with everything except me.

Milestone after milestone, I think now my life begins. After this; finally free to do what I want.

Once I finish this, then I can get going. And as I hope for the future, I watch my days pass by so quick and effortlessly.

Meanwhile, I sit and wait - stagnant and unchanging.

If I attempt to move forward and evolve – I struggle and sink faster in this quicksand. My mind becomes restless, stressed and unhappy with my current place in time.

I am struggling to stay afloat with weights tied to my feet.

I kick, I scream, I wrestle the water; the shore is straight ahead. Instead, I fall further, my arms and legs are weak. As I gasp for air, my hope is lost in the dark ocean around me.

In order to preserve whatever life I have; I’m forced to calm down, grab a nearby log and float. I sit in the sand pit and become as still as possible.

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It is the most helpless feeling; to know that life is passing by so rapidly, so many opportunities and chances, and the only way to stay alive is let them happen.

Let them pass, watch them as they go. Hoping that my weights will fall off and I will be able to swim again.

I think, someday I will make it to shore - just not today. I am involuntarily forced to wait, I must be content to sit and linger.

I reluctantly watch days turn into nights filled with hope.

And that is what keeps me up at night, that treacherous thought of “yes, it is ok to wait”. The thought, “I can sit and wait for my time”.

So perilous - there is not time left to waste.


© 2017 Elise


Nameless in the east from USA on November 26, 2017:

Elise, I have been wanting to write a thorough comment on your piece here-But, it will have to wait. Let me just say, your writing is tight, precise and your emotions strong.

Your deployment will be over soon. Please, for all those that care, be good to yourself, be kind.......

Silva from Los Angeles on November 03, 2017:

Beautiful honesty.

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