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How to Fail Spectacularly at Writing

I never have any idea what I'm doing - but I do know I love writing.

Welcome to writing fails, I'll be your guide

Some people are born with magical abilities – like; not failing at the simplest task - Some aren't.

For those who are perfect - you’re in luck, because I'm here to drop some knowledge bombs on how to fail properly.

Not to brag, but I mastered the art of fail (I practice at home).

To be clear; this is not an all-inclusive guide to failing spectacularly. There is no limitation to failing - so, don't hold back; fail freely!

In the meantime, distract yourself with some wisdom earned the hard way (with help of years of hard work as an editor)

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In all seriousness

Just kidding

Being serious hurts

I should probably get that checked out - but I probably won't..

..

Which brings us to the best point of this article; the best way to fail at writing is to never start!

Start really slow by NEVER starting

Get them where it hurts - Give up now, so they just feel the void.

You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this. You’ve talked about it a lot – isn’t that enough

You've practically even written the book (in your head just before you go to sleep).

Don't waste your beautiful talent actually writing! Who do they think you are?

Sometimes writers edit their books for DECADES! That is far too much effort for you to waste.

Just stop now before anyone has the chance to steal it or (gasp) read it!

Take solace in knowing that you are the greatest writer ever who never wrote a book.

Honestly, you’re doing everyone a favor by not writing. You may make people look bad - it is a public service really. You do you, Boo.

Give yourself something nice instead of putting all that nasty hard work in.

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Everyone Should Know How Amazing You Are

In order to achieve this prestigious level of fail, you’ll need to work a tad harder than the previous situation

You’ll need to get on your noble steed and inform EVERYONE how awesome you and your writing is! (Even if they didn’t ask – or talk about writing)

How is EVERYONE going to know how many copies we should be buying if you don't tell us?

Everyone in the world is clearly stupider and a lesser writer than you.

We peasants MUST be told how incredible your writing is!

You - the greatest writer ever - Shouldn't bother with negative people like publishers, editors, or people who don't see how awesome you are.

You should unhook the velvet rope and get immediate access to million-dollar publishing deals with that story you wrote on a napkin.

We are eternally grateful for the fact that you even took the time to tell us how awesome your novel is.

You could have been saving hamsters or attending grand openings of garage doors – but - you took time out of your day, therefore we probably owe you money already.

This is literally THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE way to act.

You are WAY too talented to waste time showing people your talent.

Just tell people and they will immediately know based on how much you insult them and inform them of their blatant wrongness!

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Adjectives - Adjectives - Adjectives

Make your writing great, wonderful, fantastic, mysterious, thought-provoking, amazing, and the best by using ALL the adjectives!

Plots and storylines are for the WEAK!

You are not weak!

Outlines are for nerds - the nerve of these people!

Don't they know your mother's sister's husband's dramatic brother is lactose intolerant! This is Sparta! We don't get to the point!

Throw in sentences that last entire paragraphs! For the full fun effect, eliminate paragraphs too. That is how they get you!

If people understand your ideas in that 300-page pile of word-vomit, they might just steal your brilliant ideas.

Make sure to add random unrelated elements at inappropriate times to throw those story-stealing thieves off your work.

You are the Sammy Griner of writing - destroy that sandcastle and make millions!

Ultra Pro Tip: Establish dominance over the lesser qualified writers by ripping random pages from various, countless, thesauruses and gluing, adhering, and ensuring it is placed directly to any publisher's face!

This will immediately convince any sane publisher that you are the ALPHA writer. (You won't have to 'mark your territory' but you can if it feels right.)

All the extra words make you THE RULER OF WORDS!

Maybe concoct, create, build, develop and beautify and cocoon out of the dictionary, reference, and thesaurus pages.

USE. ALL. THE. WORDS, TALKS, ANNOUNCEMENTS, COMMENTS, AND EXPRESSION. NO EXCEPTION!</p>

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Refuse to learn ANYTHING!

It is definitely a trap!

If you learn things - people will expect you to THINK.

Disappoint people properly.

Give up any hope of thinking at all and you could win the fail game.

There is a great quote: "Whatever you do; do it great," (I honestly don't think that’s written correctly, but if I research it, I’d be learning which is bad)

Be the best fail you can be!

Quit now, work hard, fail harder!

Also make sure you blatantly ignore/disregard any good advice. You should especially ignore grammar, structure or language guidance. I

t is very important to remember that improving anything gives the impression you are learning. Steer clear if you want to fail properly

Make sure the reader *FEELS* this!

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Often, in comedies, people recant about how ingenious the village idiot is.

There is absolutely no chance that would ever happen, but remember that point of the story fondly because it makes us feel better about ourselves.

Everything in life is either a story or the inspiration for one - so go out there and do the best you can - whether failing or winning - at least you're doing something!

© 2020 Dreen Lucky