Up On The Roof!
You Know You’re Senile When…..
What would life be without yet another Audrey tale? It seems that no matter what I do, they just keep on happening! Not too long after my little incident with the bookcase from hell, Bob came storming down into my office one day and he was livid. His office is upstairs in the loft part of our house and he had been trying in vain for weeks to figure out some way of getting these annoying starlings to quit making a nest up under the eaves by his window. It wasn’t that he doesn’t like birds – he just happens to hate starlings. And he hates not being able to remedy something that he truly sets his mind to.
This portion of our house of course is very steep – there is absolutely NO easy access to it (unless you rented a sky bucket and blasted up there with screen and hammer in hand). He is not a spring chicken of course and on a good day, he is none to keen about scampering out on the roof. He had been proscrastinating on it just because of this very fact but the noise was becoming such that he knew they were building a nest and it as they say ‘was time to go’.
To Bad This Isn't Our Roof!
It was a steamy hot summer day and as occurs here most often in the summer, mid afternoon to late afternoon, you could fry an egg on the roof let alone the sidewalk. Our roof is also black composite which adds to the heat factor I imagine even more. At any rate, he strides purposefully into my office about the time I’m quitting for the day at my ‘regular job’ and informs he that he’s ready to go out on the roof – or out on the limb so to speak. He’s got the stuff he needs and by damn, those starlings are not going to get another crack at another nest.
I look at him quizically of course – what does this possibly have to do with me? He of course assumes his usual ‘I’m older than you so listen up’ instruction mode. ‘You know, Audrey, sometimes it would help if you would pay attention. I said I was going out on the ROOF. I’m not young by any means, and you should ALWAYS and I stress ALWAYS have a back-up”. (As an aside here, where was MY back-up for that little bookcase incident – hmmpf).
I still am not comprehending what he means so I ask ‘Do you need me to like hold the ladder or something? ‘
‘No, Audrey – nothing quite that technical’. He’s actually had me hold the ladder for him when he was painting our living room with the super high vaulted ceilings and I was more interested in him not spilling paint on my piano than actually noticing that the ladder was slipping so maybe I would be the wrong gal to hold that ladder after all!
He then informs me that I am to make SURE I answer the phone as he is going to take his cell phone and IF he gets into trouble, I need to answer it right away and run outside to the front of the house to see what’s wrong. Now that sounds simple.....something I can do! It actually sounds like a foolproof plan!
So off he goes – the only thing missing was some armor or a tool belt. He had on his shorts, tee shirt and his tennis shoes – not to mention a hat to keep off the sun (he should have had spikes on come to think of it). He admonishes me one more time as he turns the corner and heads up the stairs – ‘Listen for the phone – just in case’.
Geez Louise - does the guy really have to spell everything out for me all the time? I finish up putting my desk to rights and then remember had this thought go through my mind like a flash - ‘crap – I need to clean the downstairs bathrooms before I go upstairs’. We had company coming in and I just remembered what I was supposed to do! I jumped up from my chair and proceeded to do what I do best – clean like a tornado.
Of course you know what happened - I was in one bathroom scouring that but good – I did not hear a phone ringing. I quickly launched over to the other bathroom and was in there scouring away – I vaguely heard the phone ringing but didn’t think much of it. Hmmm - imagine that - someone calling - oh well, I'll call back when I'm done. I kept on cleaning.
I was almost done with the last of it when I heard someone very near and dear to me SCREAMING into the phone. This was on the home phone line upstairs and I could hear it wafting down the stairs to me on the breeze of love.
‘AUDREY – where the hell ARE YOU? I’m on the roof – do you remember what I told you? I told you to answer the damned phone!!! AAAAAUUUDDREEEYY!!!! PICK – UP- THE PHONE!!!!!’
OH – MY – GOD!!!! How could I be that stupid? Well – we won’t go into that one just now….. Yes - I had completely forgotten my pact with him! As it turns out, there was an identical message almost verbatim on my office phone – oh a couple feet from where I was busily scrubbing toilets and sinks but over the running water I could not hear….. Yikes…..
I dropped my toilet brush in a heartbeat and FLEW up the stairs and out the front door – to find an extremely pissed off German husband sitting on the roof in the blazing sun staring at his cell phone – I’m surprised he did not pelt me in the head with it when I appeared at the bottom of the ladder…..
I tried to act really casual ‘So – what’s up? Did you fix the problem?’ He just glares at me – he proceeds to read me the riot act (understandably) – ‘Do you know how frigging hot it is on this roof? I started to come down but the ladder was moving – and oh – brainstorm – my backup was supposed to be listening for the phone so she could come out and help me – but she wasn’t answering ANY phone!!!! ‘ So I’ve been basically sitting up here barbecuing myself in the nice hot sun while you did GODKNOWSWHAT while I waited for you to remember what the plan was!!'
Oops – I did think really – while he was sitting there – couldn’t he have like called someone – like next door and had them come over and help him? Or couldn’t he have yelled out to someone maybe – okay – so I dropped the ball – holy crap on toast – I was BUSY! I did not think that reiterating this fact was going to win me any brownie points, however, so I just did what I thought best at the moment.
‘You know, Bob – I think I’m just senile – I completely forgot what the plan was after you left – and thank goodness you were like yelling so loud on the answering machine because if you hadn’t – well, you might just still be up there! Man – I’m so sorry!!! Do you like want some help down? Or do you want me to go back in the house and wait for you to call again?’
Ha ha – he got off the roof - I didn’t even bother him about trying not to fall on the car in the driveway if he could help it….. Silly me – I worry about the craziest things. I assumed it is is a combination of being blonde (not naturally but I’m going with anything I can get away with these days) and becoming senile. I think I need a sticky note like plastered on my glasses and then if I see it dangling there, I might actually remember to read it and get a clue!
Several days later, he set out with the dogs on yet another hot and sultry day, and since they are after all malamutes and anything can happen, I yelled out from my office – ‘Hey – do you have your cell phone – just in case anything happens so you can call me?' I heard nothing but hysterical laughter – what was THAT all about?
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Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on March 24, 2010:
Oh - don't think I haven't thought of it - Audrey's Amazing Adventures - it has been a ride! Thanks so much for commenting and thankfully the guy does love me so. That is what gets me through the day - he always sees the humor in whatever goofy thing 'happens' my way - none of it truly ever 'my fault' - ha ha! Thanks for commenting and good to see you back!
ralwus on March 24, 2010:
Well I must admit life with Audrey is like . . .like a sitcom, only better. Bob must love ya tho'. You so have a way and your a great storyteller too. Write a book, Audrey's Adventurous Mishaps.
Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on February 27, 2010:
Amen! And I have a feeling it will only get worse....oy vey.
Gustave Kilthau from USA on February 27, 2010:
Audrey - Just be grateful that the starlings were not senile.
Audrey Kirchner (author) from Washington on February 27, 2010:
Thank you for stopping by Darlene and commenting and yes - married life is always a ride. Thank goodness he always sees the humor in things - as I try to do! That is when I remember what it was that was so darned funny.
Thank you, Paula for stopping by and for commenting. The compliment is treasured.
Paula Kirchner from Austin. Texas on February 26, 2010:
How real life it is - unpretentious. Love your writing.
Darlene Sabella from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ... on February 26, 2010:
Married life is such a joy, LOL I believe he came through his ordeal with some humor, that is after thinking about it a couple of days. Funny hub, it's called shi...t happens.