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James A. Watkins is an entrepreneur, musician, and a writer with four non-fiction books and hundreds of magazine articles read by millions.



What do Moses and Marilyn Monroe have in common?  They both produced turds. I suppose that from Adam to the end of days this is the link between all people. 

In the Middle Ages, kings, queens and other aristocrats deposited their turds on a turd shelf for their physician to inspect. 

It is said that a dog can tell what another dog has eaten by sniffing its turds.

Some frat boys call their mates in to see particularly prodigious progenies they have left in the commode.  I do not know if any sorority sisters do this.

Muslims don’t like to shake hands because they wipe their butts with their hands. 







Turd Culture

About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. The longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. Another 1/3 of the turd is made of stuff that we find indigestible.

This indigestible material is called "fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.

Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.

Speaking of farting, I was in a restaurant once when a man sitting at the counter leaned over a cracked a loud one. The cook came out from behind the grill and grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him out of the place.

I was kicked out of school in the 7th Grade for leaving a turd in the urinal.

The sphincter is the smartest muscle in the human body. It is the only one that can distinguish between solids, liquids, and gases. (Or so we hope.)

Harry S Truman once said, Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.”

Ronald Reagan said, “Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.”

The reason some turds float is a high level of methane gas.

One never wants to be called turd-breath. Nor does one want to be called a Fart Blossom. And it does not portend well to be told you only have the same chance as a fart in a whirlwind.

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How many kids have left a flaming bag of dog turds on someone’s porch and rang the doorbell?

I found a site on the internet that claimed the world record turd was twenty feet long and took two hours to produce. But another site said this was a hoax, and that twelve inches is the best we can do. It also said that they are longer the more relaxed a person is.

Going number two in a public restroom can be fraught with danger. If the stall door doesn’t lock, there is the possibility of some unsuspecting soul trying to come in on you. This person is known as a turd burglar. It is good strategy to use the Camo-Cough and the Fred Astaire (toe-tap) to tip them off that you are in there.

If you stink the place up and it is crowded, you may have to do the Walk of Shame to the sink. In this case, one hopes another person does not go directly in (especially traumatic at someone’s house).

A Watermelon Turd is the one that splashes your behind. And then, we all know about the Turtle Turd, don’t we?

Then there are turd jokes:

The sky was black, the moon was blue, 
And down the alley the turd wagon flew; 
A bump was hit, a scream was heard, 
And Johnny was hit by a flying turd!

In days of old 
when knights were bold 
And toilets weren't invented, 
They left their load 
beside the road 
And walked away contented.

Here I sit all broken hearted, 
Tried to poop but only farted! 
Here I sit in a trance, 
Tried to fart, but pooped my pants!

What you say to someone who is hard to understand: "You sound like a turd salesman with a mouthful of samples.”













The WC

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have
indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Europe.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the
local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest
house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called
a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster
inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest
if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible
meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to
know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a
bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote
the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9
miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of
pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of
holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As
there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest
you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the
habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married
in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a
wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly,
has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a
year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch
and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute
and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to
go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be
heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person
enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all
since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting
you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be
seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster








James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on February 10, 2015:

Robert! Great to hear from you my friend. I decided to try my hand at something completely different. :-)

Robert E Smith from Rochester, New York on February 09, 2015:

You must have really been bored Jim. I did enjoy this though. Great!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 13, 2012:

Paul Baker— Thank you!! Thank you very much! :D

PAUL BAKER UK on November 12, 2012:


James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on September 05, 2012:

Deb Welch— Yes! I find turd world culture fascinating. Thank you for stopping by and making your presence known.

Deb Welch on September 04, 2012:

Holy Shit! I didn't know we could write about Turds. Funny and well done.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on December 05, 2011:

Ivona Poyntz— Thank you!! Thank you very much! :D

Ivona Poyntz from UK on December 05, 2011:

Hilarious: really enjoyed it.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 28, 2011:

Hubertsvoice— You are most welcome.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 28, 2011:

Alexander Mark— Ah! The joys of methane gas. I would still write your article. If you don't, I will! :D

Garlic man, eh? That's always a hit with the ladies.

I am well pleased that you enjoyed this Hub. I love your witty comments. Thank you my friend for coming to see me and making me smile.

Hubertsvoice on November 08, 2011:

Thank you. I will take my bow now.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 08, 2011:

Hubertsvoice— You are a lucky man. If I may quote Emerson, Lake & Palmer: "OOH! What a lucky man he was!"

Alexander Silvius from Portland, Oregon on November 08, 2011:

I have contemplated writing a hub about the joys of farting, but after much consideration and especially after seeing this hub, I have decided not to do it. If I didn't know you and your amazing work, and this was the first thing I read, I think I would have gone into shock reading your normal hub work afterward. What a riot!

My contribution is garlic. Real garlic. I love garlic, and almost as much as I love frying up two bulbs of garlic to eat with a bowl of kidney beans and a glass of milk late at night, I love the after-effects on the morning posterior. Of course what comes after is not so pleasant as it does not seem to contain much fiber. Ha ha!

Hubertsvoice on November 07, 2011:

She must have a sense of humor, she married me. Perhaps telling her about it at supper was not good timing.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 07, 2011:

Hubertsvoice— Tell your wife that I said she needs to develop a sense of humor. Or not. :D

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 07, 2011:

lambservant— Thank you for visiting and commenting on this peculiar Hub. Yes, Turds are quite funny. Once I sat down to take a crap and I was confronted by Graffiti on the wall of the s**thouse stall that said "Crabs can polevault!"

Hubertsvoice on November 06, 2011:


James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 06, 2011:

Hubertsvoice— Thank you for viewing my Hub about this controversial subject. I think it needs to be aired. :D

Hubertsvoice on November 06, 2011:

I told my wife about this article and how funny it is. She called me a s--thead. That's funny, too.

Lori Colbo from United States on November 06, 2011:

Wow, this is a departure. Nasty as turds are this is pretty funny. Someone I know always says when I overreact "Don't pole vault over mouse turds." Great visual eh?

Hubertsvoice on November 04, 2011:

Awesome, you have saved me from having to take a laxative. I laughed my butt off.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on August 03, 2011:

primpo— I surely did not mean to disrupt the solemn and sacred space of the library. :-)

I am well pleased that you got a chuckle out of this piece. Thank you for expressing your appreciation of it. And you are welcome.

Primpo from Bayville,NJ on August 01, 2011:

I am in the library reading this hub, people keep looking at me like I'm nuts because I'm laughing so hard. Great Hub and a great way to start my day.. Thank you .. great sense of humor you have , I must say..

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on June 24, 2011:

platinumOwl4— This is a subject of great interest to me. And I see that quite a few others shared my enthusiasm. Thank you for coming by to review my Page. I appreciate your kind comments. :)

platinumOwl4 on June 23, 2011:

James I thought I had read all of your hubs that were of interest. When I saw this, first I though, no this is a mistake. No, it was not a mistake and it was comical.

have a good one

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on January 22, 2011:

lilyfly— You're welcome! Don't you just love it!? The Turd Reich! Ha!

Thank you for your comments. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community!

Lillian K. Staats from Wasilla, Alaska on January 22, 2011:

Ha! I said sit! I'll have to tell my boyfriend about Obama's turd world've have a big pair, sir! Thanks...lilyfly

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on January 02, 2011:

WillStarr— It's a turd world my friend. Thank you for visiting my Hub and leaving your warm words. Welcome to HubPages!

WillStarr from Phoenix, Arizona on January 01, 2011:

It's nice to see someone occasionally expressing a turd world viewpoint!

Well done Mr. Watkins.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 24, 2010:

Mimi721wis— I am serious sometimes. Deadly so. :D

But not always. I am glad you found my not-so-serious side amusing. Thank you for your accolades. I appreciate the visit and your warm words.

Mimi721wis on November 23, 2010:

Thought I'd just read through a few of your hubs James just to get a feel about your work. My previous impression of you was that of serious guy. You really have a great sense of humor. I really like this hub. Funny and beautiful.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 16, 2010:

sueroy333— I'll have to thank granniesharon for the referral. We used the same picture! Ha! I am coming over to look at your Hub soon. Thank you for visiting and commenting. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on November 15, 2010:

granniesharon— Everybody's got to be good at something. I think I've found my calling! I'm glad to have your affirmation. :D

Susan Mills from Indiana on November 15, 2010:

Granniesharon left me a note saying your hub would go well with my new Daily Weird. A it turns out, we even used the same picture. I guess twisted minds think alike.

I'm going to link this hub to my Daily Weird #4. Good stuff....

granniesharon on November 14, 2010:

You're quite the turd expert! Just teasing. This was so funny!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on October 07, 2010:

quotations— Thank you! Thank you very much. :-)

Robert P from Canada on October 07, 2010:

Great hub

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on October 07, 2010:

CMerritt— HA! You are funny! I think I'll write about farts next. Thank you ever much for your ongoing support and encouragement. You made my day!

Chris Merritt from Pendleton, Indiana on October 06, 2010:

James, of all of the hubs you have written, this one, PROVES once and for really know your sh!t.

you even made "turds" an interesting read!!..

Barns and Noble is WAITING on you....

again, I have yet left one of your hubs, unamused.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on September 20, 2010:

ladyt11— I am well pleased to have tickled your funny bone. Thank you for taking the time to read my Hub. I enjoyed your comments.

ladyt11 on September 20, 2010:

This was hilarious, especially about the turds being put on a shelf for doctors to inspect, what in the world!!! Also the lady holding the bag and the elephant doing his business in it, gross!! This hub stinks!!! LOL, Great job.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on August 14, 2010:

tonymac04— Ha! That's a funny saying, brother. I am glad you enjoyed this one. I wish nothing but love and peace for you, Tony.


James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on August 14, 2010:

Dara— I suppose that is a rather odd juxtaposition. But I've always been quite fond of exactly that. In my band we used to play James Brown, then Black Sabbath, then the Eagles, then Jimi Hendrix, then Van Morrison, then Bryan Adams, then Pink Floyd, then Little Feat, then Led Zeppelin. One never knew what was coming next. Especially since we have 1000 songs in our reportoire. :D

Tony McGregor from South Africa on August 13, 2010:

As we would say around here - "a shit-load of laughs"! Thanks my friend. I enjoyed this one greatly.

Love and peace


Dara on August 13, 2010:

Well, I really had to skim through this one. But, the reason I was interested was because of the juxtaposition...the other writing being "Social Etiquette"(which I read).

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on August 05, 2010:

drpastocarlotta— I know ! I know! I AM crazy. I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. That was exactly my intention. Thanks for coming by, dr pastor. :-)

Pastor Dr Carlotta Boles from BREAKOUT MINISTRIES, INC. KC on August 04, 2010:

lol, lol, lol, Your CrazY!!!~ lol, lol, lol....... I needed this laugh!!!!!!!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on April 30, 2010:

Wayne Brown— Hello doctor! Turds are truly interesting, yes sir. "The Turd Conspiracy" eh? hmmm . . . Maybe. Thanks for coming by and offering your approval. Welcome to Hubpages!

Wayne Brown from Texas on April 30, 2010:

Well,I'll be a turd bird! I did not know there was so much interesting detail on file about this subject. Could there be an adventure novel here..."The Turd Conspiracy"? Nice job,JAW!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on April 19, 2010:

U Neek— Thank you the appreciation. Welcome to HubPages!

U Neek from Georgia, USA on April 19, 2010:

Funnnneeeee. I'll be smiling all day!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on April 14, 2010:

Granny's House— Thank you! I'm glad you came. :-)

Granny's House from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time on April 14, 2010:

Very funny. I am glad I stopped by.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 30, 2010:

cameciob— Well, you know now! :D

Thank you for your kind words. I decided that I was getting too serious on HubPages. In real life, I laugh all day long. It's nice to see you.

cameciob on March 29, 2010:

Hi James, I didn’t even know what turd means until I read your hub. Very delightful read, if I can say so. I also noticed you put the same craftiness, the same passion in every subject you write. Good for you.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 27, 2010:

ffrankbb— You're welcome. Thank you for visiting my Hub and leaving your appreciation.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 27, 2010:

sord87— Thank you for the nomination. It is a strange topic. But I felt that somebody should bring it out into the open. Why not me?

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 27, 2010:

singlmomat52— You are most welcome. I think farts are funny, too. So your friend is not alone. I appreciate the compimements. Welcome the the Hub Pages Community!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 27, 2010:

mhuze— You're welcome. Thanks for your laughter. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 27, 2010:

Springboard— Why, yes. Of course. :D

ffrankbb from Michigan on March 27, 2010:

Not quite last. Funny, James, really funny. Thank you!!

sord87 on March 27, 2010:

I am hoping to be the last person to comment on your TURDS article.It looks strange to me when you picked up this title but after a few reads I realize that It was indeed a good topic to be discussed while drinking coffee-LOL.!You deserve a golden TURD friend-LOL again.

singlmomat52 on March 26, 2010:


mhuze from USA on March 26, 2010:

haha. thanks for sharing.

funny hub!

Springboard from Wisconsin on March 26, 2010:

Hopefully hilarious only in the comments intended to be. lol

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 26, 2010:

Tom Cornett— I am well pleased to have supplied chuckles. A guffaw would have been even better. :)

I'll be pleased to accept ANY reward, including the Golden Turd. Thanks for the tweet!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 26, 2010:

Scott Charmichael— Welcome to HubPages! I have spent a fair amount of time in recording studios myself. It is a pleasure to meet another musician, Scott. And an engineer to boot. Polishing turds! So that's what that means. Great addition to the conversation, my friend. Thank you for the visit and the comments.


Tom Cornett from Ohio on March 26, 2010:

James....You gave me morning chuckles. "Turd Reich"...LOLOL! You definitely should be in the running for the Golden Turd Award for this one.

Off to Tweet this turd! Thanks! :)

Scott Carmichael on March 26, 2010:

Hoot... this cracked me up... for years I've done studio work as a musician... I am usually responsible for final mixes of various projects... every so often you come across a song is so lame that no mixing trick would ever be able to fix it... and when people ask me what I've been up to I reply... "I've been polishing turds"... I will copy that picture of turd polish, so that the next time, I can also provide and illustration....



James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 25, 2010:

writing time— You're welcome. Thanks much for the compliment. :-)

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 25, 2010:

DeBorrah K. Ogans— I was kinda hoping you wouldn't see this one, Sister. :D

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 25, 2010:

AdamGee— I love "The WC." Thank you for your accolades. I appreciate the visitation.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 25, 2010:

prettydarkhorse— Hello Maita! I can assure you that I do not have a turd fetish. I just thought this subject was long neglected by academia. :D

The use of turds as fertilizer is of great importance. And yes, we do use versions of "turds" as cuss words, too.

writing time on March 25, 2010:

Brilliant Hub. I'm still smiling about it. Many thanks for sharing.

Elder DeBorrah K Ogans on March 24, 2010:

James A Watkins, Hmmm you had me going for a quick moment; "What do Moses and Marilyn Monroe have in common?" Their names start with "M." Ha, Ha! Peace & Blessings!

AdamGee on March 24, 2010:

Awesome article, James. Took my breath away (no pun intended). Seriously though, really funny, especially the story at the end.

prettydarkhorse from US on March 24, 2010:

turds indeed, I like all the images, there is a fetish for turds, hehe, you use it when you curse also, like sh--t, trash, crap etc.. but they are useful as fertilizer... etc. Thank you, maita

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 24, 2010:

WebbyAvatar--- Thanks! Yea, I like that dog joke, too. I appreciate the thumbs up. Welcome to HubPages.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 24, 2010:

jiberish--- Thank you, my dear! I'm glad you saw the humor in it. I had fun with it.

WebbyAvatar from India on March 24, 2010:

LOL it's amazing. I liked the picture joke about the dog.

Thumbs up for the hub!

Jiberish from florida on March 24, 2010:

James, it's nice to see that you have a sense of humor. Very funny stuff!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 24, 2010:

Tammy Lochmann--- I'm sure you do have alot of experience with doo doo. Both kinds. I'm glad you enjoyed a laugh with me. :-)

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 24, 2010:

QuincyDaWonderDog--- Human turds can float, yes. I'm not sure about dog turds. Welcome to HubPages, Dog.

Tammy Lochmann on March 24, 2010:

Hmmm...Thanks for the info...We nurses have a lot of experience with turds...the ones that come out the end and the ones who walk and talk.

Very Funny James...I enjoyed reading.

QuincyDaWonderDog on March 24, 2010:

dey can FLOAT? =:^O

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

billyaustindillon--- Thanks man! I wonder if they have a HubPages Hall of Fame?

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

Tara Tufford--- You're welcome. Welcome to the Hub Pages Community. I'm glad you came.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

Blondepoet--- I love your new pic. But we DO look at them, don't we? :D

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

advisor4qb--- Thank you, my dear. I felt a bit of levity was in order. I love your comments. You have added a nice fragrance to the proceedings. The older I get, the more I experience that Second Wave. I hope I have seen the last of those skid marks. The Clean Poopie is my favorite. :-) The Dangler? Best not to talk about that in polite company.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

elayne001--- You're welcome. Boys are that way, you know. I needed some readers! What can I say? :D

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

chaeptrick--- Great to see you here, my audiophile friend. Funny joke, Dean. At least, I assume it is a joke. :D

Thanks for contributing to the pile. Please come as often as you like, on Sundays and Thursdays.


billyaustindillon on March 23, 2010:

Absolute classic hub James

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

OpinionDuck--- Nice to see you checking in on me, my friend. There may be some linkage, yes. :D

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

Green Lotus--- Thank you, dear, for the high praise indeed. I did have dinner but it was much earlier in the evening. This was a fun excursion. I'm glad you came.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

JannyC--- Sorry about the information overload. I tried to cover all the bases. Thanks for coming!

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

caretakerray--- Well Ray, I'm dowright relieved that I've made you happy. Thanks for letting me know.


James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

hypnodude--- I'm glad I made you laugh. And you hit on MY favorite sentence in this Hub! I agree with your words. Thanks for saying them here.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

rprcarz50--- Let me tell you, Ron, it was tough going. I had to gird my loins to get through it. But in the end, I felt a big relief, and light as a feather.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

LisaG--- Why, thank you dear. Yea, I thought those pics added a lot of flavor to the piece.

James A Watkins (author) from Chicago on March 23, 2010:

GusTheRedneck--- Thank you, my brother Gus, for helpin' me cypher that. I'm glad you splaned it to me. I'm turd now . . .

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