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Top Funny Quotes About Life, Death, Friendship, & Love

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Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.

Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.

Funny Life Quotes

  • There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them. - Lawrence Welk
  • Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. - Christopher Isherwood
  • The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. - Lilly Tomlin
  • No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you. - Sholom Aleichem
  • The cost of living's going up, and the chance of living's going down. - Flip Wilson
  • Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen
  • At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a drivers license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money. At age 50, success is having money. At age 60, success is having sex. At age 70, success is having a drivers license. At age 75, success is having friends. At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants. - Unknown
  • You are only young once, but you can be immature forever. - Hannah Marks
  • Forget about the people in your past... they didn't make it to your future for a reason! - Unknown
  • Here is the test to find out whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach
  • Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. - Tom Wargo
  • Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila. - Unknown
  • Life would be perfect if some girls had a mute button, some guys had an edit button, bad times had a fast forward button and good times had a pause button. - Unknown
  • Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer
  • In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular. - Kathy Norris

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Funny Death Quotes

  • Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. - George Bernard Show
  • On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. - Woody Allen
  • Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate. - Ambrose Bierce
  • Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down. - Dick Sharples
  • I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers. - Bob Monkhouse
  • Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
  • If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you; don't bother your head about it. - Montaigne
  • There is a remedy for everything; it is called death. - Portuguese Proverb
  • They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. - Garrison Keillor
  • It's funny how most people love the dead; once you're dead you're made for life. - Jimi Hendrix
  • If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. - Sam Levenson
  • There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
  • Death - To stop sinning suddenly. - Elbert Hubbard

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Love is a sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Love is a sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Funny Love Quotes

  • Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. - Joan Crawford
  • I was married by a judge; I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
  • Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - Unknown
  • I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. - Woody Allen
  • Marriage is like a bank account. You put in, you take out, you lose interest. - Professor Irwin Corey
  • Love is a sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. - Jewish proverb
  • An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
  • If you love 'em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love 'em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you're in love. - Miles Davis
  • I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray
  • Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. - Adrienne Gusoff
  • Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
  • No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown
  • The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. - Woody Allen
  • Law and love are the same; romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection. - Ally McBeal

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Friends are relatives you make for yourself.

Friends are relatives you make for yourself.

Funny Friendship Quotes

  • Best friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families. - Unknown
  • It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell; you see, I have friends in both places. - Mark Twain
  • A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet. - Unknown
  • Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth. - Horace Walpole
  • A good friend is someone who will help you move; a really good friend will help you move a dead body. - Unknown
  • A friend is one who knows all about you and likes you, anyway. - Christi Mary Warner
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - Thomas Jones
  • Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. - Sicilian proverb
  • 'Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected. - Charles Lamb
  • Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods. - Esther M. Clark
  • A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success. - Doug Larson
  • A friend to all is a friend to none. - Aristotle
  • The best time to make friends is before you need them. - Ether Barrymore
  • Friends are relatives you make for yourself. - Eustache Deschamps

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And the final quote...

A day without laughter is a day wasted. (Hopefully this brought some laughter into your day!)

A day without laughter is a day wasted. (Hopefully this brought some laughter into your day!)

More Funny Quote Stuff

Comments

kagoda esau from ENTEBBE TOWN on June 20, 2014:

WONDERFUL QUOTES! I THANK U SOOOO MUCH

carozy from San Francisco on March 07, 2013:

Wonderful quotes. Thanks for sharing.

Gail from Small Town Tennessee on February 14, 2013:

This brought a big smile to my face. I love the last picture!!!! Thumbs up to you on a great hub!

Your Cousins from Atlanta, GA on October 09, 2012:

Yes, this did bring some laughter into my day...and this great quote, "No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you." Voted Up and Funny!

James A Watkins from Chicago on October 09, 2012:

I love this great Hub! Thank you for this pleasure. What fun!

I got a kick out of the Lawrence Welk, Flip Wilson, and Kathy Norris quotes. The Groucho Marx and Agatha Christy quotes are fabulous. But my favorite has to be Bob Monkhouse:

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

:D

Now that's funny. And I know from funny.

Jenn (author) from Pennsylvania on September 04, 2012:

I'm glad you enjoyed these quotes bravewarrior, koffeeklatch, and jpmc!

JP Carlos from Quezon CIty, Phlippines on September 04, 2012:

I enjoyed the list of witty and funny quotes.

Susan Hazelton from Sunny Florida on August 30, 2012:

I love quotes - especially funny ones. Thanks for the laugh. The quote by Unknown that began "At the age of 4..." really tickled my funnybone.

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on August 20, 2012:

Awesome! There were so many to which I can relate, I just can't put them all in this comment. Touche! Well done and thanx for the enlightenment, the nodding of my head in agreement, and the chuckles!

Jenn (author) from Pennsylvania on August 18, 2012:

Thanks a lot for the comments and votes, Pringoooals and Your Cousins! I hope this made you smile.

Your Cousins from Atlanta, GA on August 17, 2012:

This hub made me smile, especially the quote that says a friend is someone who knows all about you and likes you anyway. HA. Voted up.

Karina from Edinburgh on August 13, 2012:

That' really, really good. Thanks for sharing and voted up!

Jenn (author) from Pennsylvania on August 12, 2012:

Thank you for the kind comments, jcevans, snowdrops and hawaiianodysseus. I'm glad you enjoyed the quotes!

Hawaiian Odysseus from Southeast Washington state on August 12, 2012:

This is the first Hub I've read where only 25 words (if you count the four that were used to introduce the Amazon ads), the symbol &, and three dots ... were written by the Hubber, and the rest were other people's quotes.

And I loved it! Voted up and across the board!

jennzie, thank you so much for the time and energy involved in doing the research for these quotes and then arranging them in a wonderful and organized manner. I know from experience that this kind of editing is often harder than it looks. Kudos to you for knowing how very, very important good humor can be in healing our world.

snowdrops from The Second Star to the Right on August 11, 2012:

great collection of quotes. i love the pics too

Judith C Evans from Boise, ID on August 09, 2012:

So much wisdom and humor...I love it when a quotation is funny and serious at the same time, like so many of the quotations here. Thanks for sharing this collection!

Jenn (author) from Pennsylvania on August 09, 2012:

Reynold, wetnosedogs, billybuc, and lipnancy- thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment on my hub! I enjoyed making this one, I hope it was as enjoyable for you to read.

Nancy Yager from Hamburg, New York on August 09, 2012:

Loved your funny quotes. It made my day.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on August 08, 2012:

I am a big fan of quotes....great collection!

wetnosedogs from Alabama on August 08, 2012:

Fantastic quotes. Love the friendship ones and the pictures.

Reynold Jay from Saginaw, Michigan on August 08, 2012:

I gotta come back to this too. There is so much here, it is almost overwhelming. It must have been a lot of work! I enjoyed this very much. You have this laid out beautifully and it is easy to understand. Keep up the great HUBS. I gotta give this an Up ONE AND INCITEFULLY HILARIOUS. I'm now your fan!