A gift for the trigger-happy idiots among us...you know who you are!
First off, this list is by no means exhaustive, but like the proverbial thousand lawyers buried under a mountain of their own filth, it's a good start.
There are two basic types of idiots in the world. The first is merely ignorant. This person has developed opinions without looking at the facts of the situation. They adhere to philosophies without merit, ideas which do not stand up to the World. Though youth has no corner on this market, a greater proportion may fit this category--though only time will tell for the younger generations. If this sort of person can simply shut up long enough to recognize their ignorance, they may someday become logical, thinking, and worthwhile members of society.
The second type, however; is willfully stupid. Regardless of facts to the contrary, this person will cling to pure opinion and use rhetoric instead of well-thought response as defense when the fallacy of their "logic" is exposed. This person is a fool, pure and simple, and if they offed themselves, the world would likely be a better place. I'd suggest they cut their own throats--Overdosing wastes valuable medicine better spent on healing the worthwhile, spent bullets would again be wasteful, etc. My point being that a used knife stills cuts. Of course, being idiots, they may be excused for choosing a less-than-environmentally-friendly method of death, since ending their own life would at least stop them using up more resources (post-burial, anyway). Just saying.
I hope you enjoy the list, and if you fit any of these categories, I hope you are the former, if not, remember, cut your own throat, it's less damaging to the planet the rest of us live on.
You have ever said, or even thought, that "The government should keep their hands off of Medicare..." or "Social Security."
I'm not even going to bother explaining this one, it stands on its own. If you don't get why this one alternately sends me into peals of laughter or the deepest, darkest depression, you might want to do some research. Since you are reading this I bet you have access to "the internets", pick a search engine and stop being such a goofball.
You think, or ever thought, that any President should just "do what his generals tell him."
This is the tail wagging the dog. Every service member takes an oath to follow the orders of the Commander-in-Chief, not the other way around. We do not live in a military dictatorship, but rather a Republic. The US Constitution clearly places the military under the rule of the civilian government. Anyone who tries to tries to persuade you otherwise stands to make money off the deal or is willfully stupid (not that one is mutually exclusive of the other).
Your fantasy sports league/gaming guild/etc. is in better shape than your bank account and/or your personal (real-life) relationships.
I'm not saying these things are bad in and of themselves, but when fantasy becomes more important than reality, you have officially joined the ranks of "nutbag."
You cannot articulate the main differences between socialism, communism, democracies, republics, capitalism, fascism, etc, but have an opinion that one or more of them are "right" or "wrong," "good" or "bad," etc.
Though this relates to virtually any subject matter, this is perhaps the most infuriating to me personally. All I'm saying is pick up a book or two before you start typing. BONUS: Once you understand what you are talking about, you can run your mouth with authority.
Along the same line of thought, you have never read "The Origin of Species" or similar work, but cling to the ridiculous notion that evolution is just a "theory."
You think if you say "I'm not ________" and/or offer "proof" that you aren't, that this actually means you aren't, when quite likely it means you are.
Example: "I'm not racist, but..." A logical person knows you are probably about to utter something TRULY, perhaps even OUTRAGEOUSLY, racist. The more you stammer and hem and haw, and name how many black or Hispanic or gay, etc. friends you have, the more you are telling EVERYONE around you that you are uncomfortable with and/or ashamed of your own thoughts. In doing this, you are telling everyone around you that in your own mind, you think that what you are about to say is inappropriate or offensive. My advice, either say it proud, or not at all. People will either think you are racist, homophobic, etc.--or not. If they don't think you are, it probably means you really aren't. Regardless, honesty is more virtuous than hiding how you really feel--especially from yourself.
You speak in text-speak.
For instance, you have ever said "I was like, WTF," or "She was like, OMG."
First off, the purpose of using acronyms in common speech is save syllables--literally to save one's breath. Saying FBI, CIA, BATF, APD, etc is much simpler, quicker, and easier than saying Federal Bureau of Investigation, etc. The phrase "Oh My God" has three syllables, as does OMG. Saying OMG is no more efficient than saying the entire phrase, ergo, one should use the phrase, not the acronym to avoid potential confusion if your listener is not familiar with the acronym's meaning. Saying "WTF" makes even less sense. The phrase again contains three syllables, but the acronym, phonetically, has five. If you ever use this acronym in common speech, you are most likely accomplishing nothing more than telling every logical person within earshot that you are undeniably an idiot.
The other side of this is that you are likely confusing (though surely sometimes also entertaining) linguistically competent people around you. For instance, when I hear someone say "I was like, WTF," I am immediately struck by the question "How exactly is this person similar to the phrase 'What the F***?'" Such quandaries often lead me to darkly perverse, highly insulting, and often humorous places, I assure you. I just pray the next time I hear some bobble-headed moron utter something like this I'm not drinking milk... (special thanks to BadRep for this line of thought.)
You think ANY politician is a "good Christian," (or Jew, or whatever faith they claim).
It's expected in America that in order to run for office, you must declare your religious affiliation. By nature though, politicians are greedy, power-hungry, hypocritical narcissists who will use anyone and anything to achieve their goals (which are at the core, is to become more wealthy and powerful--not follow religious tenants to the contrary).
In a universe of infinite possibilities I suppose it is technically possible that a few might actually believe and follow the tenants of their proclaimed faith, but in practice it isn't likely that they use religion for much more than credentials and networking (or to shield themselves from their critics). For example, let's take a look at a few political figures and how they displayed their faith:
Bill Clinton - Southern Baptist - Serial adulterer with a penchant, of all things, for women with big noses (he didn't stray from Hillary until after she got a nose job, after all). Also, committing perjury is not often the mark of a truly religious person.
Larry Craig - Methodist - Serial homosexual adulterer with apparent penchants for gay sex in public bathrooms and underage congressional pages.
John F. Kennedy - Roman Catholic - Serial adulterer with a penchant for Marilyn Monroe (can't fault him for his choice in lovers, at least).
George W Bush - Methodist - International war criminal who authorized torture and the bogus war with Iraq, drunk-driver, coke head, draft-dodger, etc, etc, ad nauseum.
In the US, 98% of our elected officials are nothing more than attorneys with clients who care less about their "convictions" than they do about their constituents. Their real god is the All Mighty Dollar, and when a lobbyist puts enough green in their back pocket their "god" tells them what's "right."
While up until now, this list has consisted of American politicians, special mention of the following fellow is warranted, as few in history have used religion so masterfully:
Benito Mussolini - on again/off again Roman Catholic - Il Duce used religion and the religious (including the Pope) like any other tool in the shed: when it suited him. (If you don't recall who this fellow was, consider that a strong indicator that you're an idiot.)
These are just a few, but you get the picture. Politics and perversion are infinitely more likely bedfellows than politics and purity. Most politicians are what would normally be considered "bad people," at least on some level. It's just common sense folks, and the moment we start paying more attention to whether they "walk the walk" as opposed to "talk the talk," we'll all be better off.
If someone has a different opinion, you engage in ad hominem attacks. EXCEPTION: you are trying, in earnest, to pick a fistfight.
If you don't know what ad hominem means, you may very well fit the category. It's certainly not proof, but there is an obvious correlation with consistently engaging in logical fallacies and being an idiot, I assure you.
However, if a person is saying something so offensive, so hair-brained, so egregious, that you feel duty-bound to put some lumps on them, then by all means, name-call for the betterment of mankind and with blessings.
Speaking of violence, you think that "violence never solves anything."
Of all the dumb--truly dumb--ideas I have ever heard, this one retakes First Prize every single time it's repeated. In absolute, unarguable fact, violence is/was the only truly permanent solution to many of humanities problems. The American Revolution, the US Civil War, WWI, and WWII, are just a few examples of creative problem-solving through "careful" application of violence. Dig up Major Audie Murphy, or Generals Washington or Patton, and ask them if violence can effectively be used to solve problems. Revive President Eisenhower--I bet he could lecture at length on how violence once saved most of the world from Fascism. With the history of the entire human race arguing against the statement, that anyone still adheres to this (admittedly good-intentioned, but still utter) farce simply boggles the mind.
You have ever written a Hub entitled "Top 10 signs you are an idiot".
As with the first indication of idiocy topping this list, this one needs no explanation <smirk>
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on February 05, 2014:
Kennedy - I really don't think you understand the point, of which there is none, its simply meant to be humorous, not advocate behavior. Though the "violence never solved anything" is more a statement of fact, despite that we all wish it were different. If you think there was another way to prevent Axis domination during WWII, get on your soapbox and let's hear it.
Kennedy on February 04, 2014:
Claiming violence is a good answer and telling people to slit their throats was the most destructing thing I read this year. To me, all of your efforts are now invalid. Either you have no idea how destructive that is or you simply don't care. If and before anyone replies, really think about it.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on November 06, 2013:
Shinkicker : Thanks and Mass Murderers win, of course, but only just.
Herp derp : Thanks, Highly intelligent people do really idiotic things all the time : Ted Kaczynski, Dorothy Parker and Vincent van Gogh are prime examples that come to mind immediately.
none of your business: I assume the grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors are intentional and meant as a joke...but if not--see above ;)
none of your business on November 05, 2013:
number one sign of being an idiot is if you think any of these make since !
Herp derp on October 31, 2013:
I speak in text code in a limited fashion around friends only i dont think im an idiot *honor student
Shinkicker from Scotland on June 02, 2013:
Great fun, I enjoyed reading that. I don't know what's worse, text speak or mass muderers. It's a close call.
miakouna on April 21, 2012:
Vernon Bradley from Yucaipa, California on November 24, 2011:
Hello, old friend
I was rummaging through old friends to see what they have recently written and did not realize this is an old hub till I saw my own comment from months ago. I am an idiot!! Hope all is well with you these days. I am alive and living rich and wealthy in many many ways.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on August 28, 2011:
HAHAHA THEFUNNYGUY - Thanks for your comment, I think I may need a category 11 just for you.
I don't censor responses that are not obviously spam. Yours is the closest I've ever allowed.
First, I must admonish you for your excessive use of non-Hub links to, I assume, promote your world-view and ask that you not post the same links to the content multiple times. In fact, I consider it rude to make unsolicited points "off page" as it were. Put it up where we can all see and discuss.
Second, Please keep your comments on-target and relevant to the original Hub.
Finally, I like the phrase "Planet Ape," and will be using it in the future.
Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk of waking up makes me want a nap.
HAHAHA THEFUNNYGUY on August 28, 2011:
YES , WE CAN..YES , WE CAN..WE WILL WIN IN WAR ON TERROR (30 whities or what are terrorists will never come back alive from Afghanistan...thank you lord..aamen).
ARIZONA = UTOYA = GOVERNMENT‘S "AFTERLIFE" FLASH MOB !!!
911(TWIN TOWERS) = NORWAY BOMBING OR STATE SPONSORED TERRORISM !!!
STOLTENBERG = BREIVIK !! MULTYCULTURALISM = TERRORISM !! OBAMA = OSAMA !!
As far as shooting, there was none(neither in NORWAY or Arizona). Instead tear gas and theater were used on faces of multiculturalism maniacs while calling YOU a terrorists !!! Guilt or blame and shame weapon against us and our families in our own countries during bogus “economic crises” while importing here non white third world foreigners to rape, kill and steal(what forceful unemployment against us is = robbery) in the name of tolerance and better world !! SUPER FAST HIGHWAY to extra bonuses with early retirements(newly issued state identities with paid properties abroad) for government related criminals/ terrorists or our politicians and their supporters !!!
VISIT ALL NEW(reloaded) “OBAMA = STALIN = BUSH or USA = SOVIET UNION”
Whitie is fighting war on terrorism just to come home and be pronounced as terrorist...turned in Timothy, jobless, homeless ..YESSS, WE CAN(FISH CAN & TENT CITY USA CAN)...GABBY OPENED HER EYES (psycho Tucson)
OS(B)AMA IS MOVING OUT OF AFGHAN FEW DAYS AFTER MY POSTING ONLINE AND IS WILLING TO IMPROVE ECONOMY(genocide against whites) JUST FEW MONTHS AHEAD OF ELECTIONS(awesome) !!
Don't worry O(s)bama, you have just saved lots of Dollars in your DEBT DEALS(DEAD & ILL) as those America best (Navy Seals) would also grew older and then you already know how it goes !!!
WAKE-UP !!! WAKE UP PEOPLE BEFORE IT GETS ALL TO LATE ON PLANET APE !!! TEARS WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD !!! AS BUSH STATED "THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE PAID FOR"(to die ) !! STOP THE GOVERNMENT TERRORISM AND TERROR AGAINST WHITES WORLDWIDE IN THE NAME OF MULTYCULTURALISM OR NWO !!
svencill from Florida on July 14, 2011:
You are so welcome.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on July 14, 2011:
svencill - Me too and thanks for the comment.
svencill from Florida on July 13, 2011:
Awesome. And I completely agree. I know a LOT of people who fit in here.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on December 25, 2010:
Thanks Bored, there is no praise higher.
Bored on December 24, 2010:
Oh thank God, finally a hub that doesn't make me want to cry in a corner over the state of humanity...
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on December 09, 2010:
Thanks Suzanne, Hitler wasn't the only Fascist to use the guise of Christianity to manipulate the masses, Mussolini was a true master at it.
justmesuzanne from Texas on December 08, 2010:
Very fine HUB! You know, Hitler was a "Christian" and proclaimed Germany to be a Christian nation.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on September 13, 2010:
Thanks Kim S.
Kim S on September 13, 2010:
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on August 19, 2010:
Doc - Glad to help!
Cristopher Chasse from Boston on August 19, 2010:
That was pretty funny stuff. Needed a good laugh.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on August 18, 2010:
Thanks Vern, glad you enjoyed the Hub and achieved "recovery" of your faculties.
And, I won't tell anyone for two reasons:
1. You are no longer an idiot.
2. You kinda just told the whole world yourself. [smirk]
Vernon Bradley from Yucaipa, California on August 17, 2010:
Right, I am not an idiot! Oh and yea, I like #2,3,4,5, 6, and #1 is pretty good, and well, what can I say about # 7, 8, 9. and probably #10 is pretty awesome.
Did you ever say I was an idiot? I don't think you did! But, just in case there is any doubt, I am NOT. bEEN THERE, done that! Yes, ME. Been here, done that! BEING AN IDIOT. But I went to training, for dummies! And I'm not an idiot anymore.
By the way, I can really relate to your hub. Cool stuff, Dude.
P. S. Don't tell anyone. I'm an idiot! Too!
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on August 17, 2010:
poetvix - Thanks--My personal favorite is 10, as I find the other behaviors abhorrent.
Deni Edwards - Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.
BadRep - Thanks, and thanks again for your help with #6.
I've notice a correlation between "Valley Girl" speech patterns in many individuals, as you state, but not in all. I think at this point it may simply be a misguided attempt at laziness--though it is possible these folks have been exposed to so much radiation from their mobile devices that their brain or perhaps their entire nervous system has been compromised. Since it apparently affects their ability to process speech, it seems to result in something perhaps not unlike a stroke. Regardless, more study is needed before drawing a a conclusion beyond labeling them an idiot (a technical term formerly applied to individuals with an apparent intellectual capacity similar to those less than 3 years of age).
BadRep from Vancouver, WA on August 17, 2010:
Jim, another great article. Special thanks for #4, #6, and #9. I've noticed that #6 is commonly paired with valley-girl English speech patterns. Perhaps there is a link between peroxide, ultraviolet rays, and mobile communication devices? I hate to think it's just plain old idiocy.
Jenifer L from california on August 17, 2010:
I couldn't agree with you more! Great hub!
poetvix from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country. on August 17, 2010:
This is too funny while being loaded w/ truth. Numbers six and seven in this list are my personal faves as the former is annoying and the later is... well, politics as usual.
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on August 17, 2010:
Shinkicker - Thanks for your comment, and having a knock at my shins. Glad you had a good laugh.
Shinkicker from Scotland on August 17, 2010:
Great Hub Jim
Loved the text-speak section, those idiots drive me mad too. LMAO :-)
All the best m8
Jim Bryan (author) from Austin, TX on August 15, 2010:
JBeadle - thanks as always, and screwing with folks mid-number 5, as it were, is a favorite pass time of mine.
Beth100 - Thanks for your comment--you're pretty funny yourself.
Beth100 from Canada on August 15, 2010:
You're too funny. I'm not an idiot, but......
J Beadle from Wisconsin on August 15, 2010:
Love the hub but you must have missed a few points as I didn't match any of the ten and yet I know I'm an idiot! I really like #5 - I see a lot of that one.