I am a novelist. Have written five books that deals with coming-of-age. They are published in Kindle store.
The boy Who Ran
“We are forced to fall back on fatalism as an explanation of irrational events (that is to say, events the reasonableness of which we do not understand). The more we try to explain such events in history reasonably, the more unreasonable and incomprehensible do they become to us.”
“Each man lives for himself, using his freedom to attain his aims, and feels with his whole being that he can now do or abstain from doing this or that action; but as soon as he has done it, that action performed at a certain moment in time becomes irrevocable and belongs to history, in which it has not a free but a predestined significance.”
“There are two sides to the life of every man, his individual life, which is the more free, the more abstract its interests, and his elemental life in which he inevitably obeys laws laid down for him.”
“Man lives consciously for himself but is an unconscious instrument in the attainment of the historic, universal, aims of humanity. A deed done is irrevocable, and its result coinciding in time with the actions of millions of other men assumes a historic significance. The higher a man stands on the social ladder, the more people he is connected with and the more power he has over others, the more evident is the predestination and inevitability of his every action.”
A rush of enforcing wind caused the lush long brown hair to waved through the flowing breeze. Every force of air collision produced an elevation of hair strains to hover above. The sequence of its movement increased, leaving the footprints behind as they distanced away from each subsequent footprints in a flashing instantaneousness. A sensational feeling that paved the time-space continuum, as each moment caused the disappearance of the passage of time, the enlightening feeling of obsolescence produced escaping tranquility. The rapidity of movement increased the propensity of inertial, which vibe its endorphin. There was nothing like a good run. The running helped Christopher to release the pressure of living up to its society’s standards, and in temporary consolation, he was able to obviate the experiential deprecation. Many of the life’s pursuits that demeaned his esteeming proposition that trivialized the meaning of his purpose that often times do not come into fruition, running had become his reverberating consolation. On this day, where the cool air that engulfed the region with intemperate climate, running on a dirt trail that aligned beside the vastly expounded empty cornfield appropriately accommodated Christopher’s desire for psychological release. He ran and ran, until the distance cannot be reached, for the purpose of letting go of his insatiableness that continue to press him down on the path of a spiraling abyss. A tranquil feeling of resurrected high from his deaden spirit was within reach, and seeing the destination of his goal was before his view, his motion accelerated to the beat of his anticipation. Christopher believed his volition ought to be self-authenticating, that what he will was what made him who he was, but he continuously became confronted with obstacles that he could not predict. He believed, if he possessed the inbred nature to be authenticating how he made choices then he must also possess the ability of premonition, but this was not the case, that the various choices he made in his life made him recognize he was somewhat disreputable in his volition, and this caused him to inquire on the foundation of structural formation of his disposition. Whether he had an autonomous free-will was in much doubt because without acknowledging he possessed this ability, the consequentiality of his pursuits will always be in question.
“Hey, Christopher? How far did you run so far?”
A young man, two years of his junior, who lived near a neighboring town joined him on the run.
“Not too far, well relatively speaking. But then again I am not sure because since running on this trail is not taxing, the run is somewhat effortless compare to other trails I have been on. Also since the view is mundane, cornfields after cornfields, I am not certain how far I had run.”
“Christopher. So you don’t know how far you have come? Do you know what time you began your run? Right now, it’s five in the afternoon.”
“I am not certain, but I think it was around three when I began. So I supposed I had run 8 to 9 miles.”
“Christopher, you should run professionally. You are made for this: physically and mentally. You have both the mental and the physical stamina to perform exceptionally.”
The pace of the run slowed to a speed of casual jog. They both spoke words of a reducible language, simply stating whatever came to their minds. The language that span without much prevalence of importance proceeded until their path diverted separately on to their respected journey. The town Christopher lived in was quite small in population. The little town consisted of four thousand residences and adjacent localities were even smaller. Since it was becoming close to dinner time, Christopher wanted to go home before his mother began to worried. Although he had taken the running path in a concentric oval, it will take about twenty minutes before his arrival became appropriated to the dinner time. Christopher exerted every ounce of energy that remained within him and took the path of least distance. Christopher considered that a person’s life journey was full of futility. Human’s endeavoring that pervades throughout ones’ goals and purposes were expediently transmissible from one moment of time on to the next. Life’s sequence that people project, was transferred from a person to a person, without recourses from becoming transitional. One’s success must be handed over to someone else, because nobody can hold on to the power that he or she had accomplished for a period of a lasting implication, instead, it was given over to others, and the tragic part was that a person who had taken over the position might be incredibly irresponsible. Humans build up the institution and then the next group of people tear down the system and try to implement a new way of institutionalization: like in the political process. What was the purpose of electing the officials when whatever that person builds will not last before the new set of individuals will come into hold the power office and restructure the system? Christopher considered the modern system of economics, and politics produced many trivialities to its people who were supposed to be both the guardian and recipient of the system. No wonder society was so cynical. Possibly, due to unredeemable human insecurity, people must assert ones’ importance by obtaining control of other people’s lives. Because if a person feels insecure, then that person will be hard-pressed to have more influence on others. From this analysis, Christopher could not overcome his despondent cynicism because he realized many of the components that drove him to become recognized was because he was insecure himself, and his therapy was running.
The evening sunlight was about to descend, and cool temperature reinforced the time of the day. The pavement to the resident quarter narrowed: enough space to accommodate two car lanes. The neighborhood was not impressionable in any measure, and the decrepit atmosphere depicted the community without any vitalizing allure. The 15 mph sign marked the residence’s quarter. After making a shortcut through the flourishing grass field, Christopher arrived at the street corner where his house stood along the path. On the way to his residence, he greeted a couple of elderly townspeople whose family lived several generations. The pace of the movement slowed to strolling, and as his body motioned toward the section of the street where his house stood, he took a turn to the adjacent street and decided to visit an elderly man who lived alone in his house after his wife died. Christopher knew the man well, his granddaughter graduated high school with him. Christopher assisted many older townspeople with daily duties, like taking mails or packages to the postal service to be delivered or shoveling snows. Christopher’s altruistic acts made him very popular among towns’ people and his dedication to serving, especially to the elderly, brought much respectability even from his peers. But unfortunately, his lack of allure in his physical appearance made him not so popular with the girls around his age. The only group of females who were fond of him were middle-aged or elderly ladies. This reality made him lacking in his confidence.
“Hello Mr. Stonebrook, how are you?
“Hi, Christopher. If I knew you were coming, I would have prepared an extra portion of dinner.”
“Oh, it’s good that you have not. I need to go home now for dinner. I think my mom is expecting me any moment. I just stopped by to say hello since it has been several days since I last saw you.”
“Thanks for coming by Christopher. Say hello to your folks.”
Christopher began journeying back to his home. The sunlight was almost beneath the horizon, and a slight breeze swirled around the circumference where Christopher was in motion. The cool sensation was purifying, and it alleviated some of the internal struggles he was enduring. A feeling of cloud-high exuberance was like a drug-induced sensation. He embraced with gladness and soon afterward, he was at the front door of his home.
“Hey, Mom. Sorry I am a little late.”
Christopher walked into the house during the dinner was being served.
“Where did you go for such a long time?”
Mom inquired, curious about the whereabouts of her son.
“I took a run through the vastly stretched field. I ran more than I had intended, but I feel really fresh from the run.”
“Son why don’t you wash up and join us before we finished our dinner.”
Christopher’s father voiced his request without showing any agitation from her son's tardiness.
The family of four usually ate dinner together. Christopher’s younger sister sat across mother. Jane was 6 years younger than Christopher, and their relationship was spurned with many infractions. Their inability to considered one and another with the affection of sibling warmth, made their interaction disarrayed with frequent misunderstandings. This was because not only due to their age differences, but more pertinently, a sister had been born between the two, but tragically she died of leukemia at a young age. They both were close to the deceased sister, but when she passed on to eternity, they both lost the love that was irreplaceable and wound up becoming more distant from each other. It was a very peculiar situation, how Christopher and Jane became apart emotionally when the middle child was gone. It seemed as though, at least not directly, but silently blaming each other for the death of their beloved sister. It was a very sad predicament, and their parents could not quite psychoanalyze their children’s disdaining behaviors. Father and mother of their kin behaving intractably produced many disappointments to their parenthood.
Christopher began to inquire on various issues of epistemological inquiry when he was mourning for his sister's death. Many factors that caused human determination to be motivate were questioned incessantly and wondered whether human choices were in fact, undetermined. When the sorrow of loss overwhelmed Christopher's emotional senses, he realized that he could not overcome his internal pain, in spite of how much he wanted to alleviate the pain that was not the result of his doing. If he didn’t cause the death of his sister then why did he experienced such a feeling of hopelessness and could not redeem from his sorrow? Possibly, because he did not cause the effect, it was out of his ability to alter the course of happening: which her death could not be controlled, so from feeling helpless with the causation, his sadness could not be vanquished. Christopher recognized from that incident, his endeavors in life will be marked with various forms of consequentialities that cannot be predicted with a foreseeable course. From the untimely, sorrowful event during the early years of his adolescence, he developed an extremely negative perspective on the meaning of human existence. Since then, he questioned quite often when he needed to make an important decision whether his choice will appropriate his purpose. But the issue was that he could not conclusively affirm his choices because he could not predict the outcome, so hence, even if he were to examined deeply and cautiously on his decision making, his will was limited because every decision was predicated by his experience: whether from his own experience or observing other people’s experience. If particular decision-making had not been part of his existential enduring, then it was mostly a guessing game. This analysis, although it may have been over realization in the power of self-autonomy, he could not accept the philosophy of freedom of self-realization. If he could not experience an indelible endearment of his choosing, then how could he ever satisfy with the choice he made: girl or career? If he cannot be sure whether he had made the right choice in his life especially if the outcome becomes not his liking? But then again, this is one of the excitement of being a human, taking on the decision-making of the unknown and recalibrate or revamp the bad decisions by taking on a better opportunity. But unfortunately, Christopher's epistemology was affected with pessimism because of the death of his sister. So he needed an escape from his psychological constipation. So he ran, ran so that he didn’t have to face the difficult issue of why? He recognized this about himself, that he was trying to obviate his personal responsibility by running endlessly until his mental occupation dissipated appeasingly. But everyone executes some form of doing some act to escape from his or her present realities by drinking alcohol heavily, mountain climbing: even pursuing a great achievement could be due to wanting to escape from one’s insecurity. In order to be recognized by society, through means of attaining a successful career or obtaining political office, so that he or she may compensate for insecurity.
When a person executes any kind of decision, he or she has no affirmation whether that choice will possess a defining meaning, regardless of possessing unfettered violable options. What defined a person’s happiness was predetermined by the particular time and space he was born and nurtured from. All the things that factored into a person’s conception on the meaning of purposefulness were already preordained by his birth. Whether a person becomes an orphan or nurtured by two parents household was not chosen by that person. Even the environment where that person was raised, was not determined by the choice he had made from the beginning but was provided to him even before he became self-conscious of his choosing. Christopher assessed, if he was not born in such a rural region of this great landscape, maybe his sense of self may have been developed differently. But, instead, he happened to be born and raised in a certain time and space in which he existed. But the void he experienced was much beyond the physical presence he was at, but something that was much more prevalent to his deep epistemological metaphysics. Yes, he understood that his sister’s death had a lot to do with it how experienced his reflective nature to the world before him, but if his sister was a mere physical matter, not a spiritual essence, he should not be feeling this way. He wanted to be relieved from his inability to assess his conception that possessed no resolution to the transcendental inquiry, but that was the dilemma that he was affected with, that he was able to question these types of inquiry because he was much more than a physical matter and this reality was why he desired for a discover on how he had come to see himself intricately.
The evening mist blanketed the atmosphere in thickness. The moisture produced more darkness than usual which brought mild nuisance to Christopher’s view. After dinner, Christopher decided to take a walk around the neighborhood quarter to burn some of the calories. The fond observation on the town where he grew up, and the only town he had ever known, brought interspersing feelings of love and hate. At one time, he had a strong desire to leave the place where his identity had been shaped, but recently, he had more desire to stay and possibly get married and raised a family like the generations before him. Uncertainty of his future bounded his will to express freely, and this caused his emotion to impoverished. Unable to construed a decisive factorization of his choosing, caused him to agonize what it means to be live assuredly. The walk lasted fifteen minutes, and his attempt to obviate the experiential inadequacy did not come about, instead, the only thing he endured was the wet moisture that seeped through his cotton jacket. Then, during the walk where Christopher’s concernment was on deep thought, he ran into a girl whom he had known since childhood.
“Hey Carol, are you coming from somewhere?”
Carol was born in the same year as Christopher, but her maturity was a lot more advanced, unfortunately. She attended a local community college and she had a strong desire to move on to University and become a physician assistant. Carol’s ambition was intoxicating especially compare to someone like Christopher. But what propositioned Christopher the most was Carol’s physical beauty and her demeanor. The language of her personality attracted Christopher’s introspection, and her intricate attributes stirred his consideration of her greatly.
“Hey, Christopher. Yea I am. I was at the library trying to finish up a few remaining assignments. It is really noisy at my home since my married brother is staying with us with his family. So why are you out in this cold misty night?”
“I am just taking a walk after the dinner, so that I may be able to digest a bit. I ran earlier about 10 miles. So I wound up over-consuming on meat and potato. So I decided to take a short walk around the neighborhood.”
Carol was the granddaughter of a widower whom Christopher visited earlier. But unlike the grandpa, Carol was not too fond of Christopher.
“I see, well it was good to see you again Christopher.”
Carol was well aware that Christopher lacked ambition, so she had absolutely no interest in Christopher. Not only that, Christopher’s appearance was not the standard that Carol approved. Christopher knew Carol was not too fond of him, but unfortunately, her considered behavior toward him produced a conflicting view of how he conjectured her opinion of him.
“Oh wait, Carol. Let us go visit your grandpa together and have dinner with him sometime.”
It was a shrewd proposition Christopher forward his request. But unfortunately, Carol did not take the bite.
“That is not a good idea. I don’t believe you are using my lonely grandpa to hit on me. See you later Christopher.”
The words absolutely stung Christopher. Not only her rejection dispelled his confidence but also her statement made him morally despicable. The truth of the matter was that she was right. Sudden anguish imperiled his conscientiousness, and he began jogging, attempting to remove himself from the location where his disreputable view of himself revitalized. He then increased his pace, running through the darken planes, leading him nowhere other than the field that stretched endlessly. The bumps and uneven ground did not hamper Christopher’s balance because he was too distraught by the reality of how he lacked the ability to pursue a woman and that he was morally bankrupt. Christopher ran and ran because this was the only way he could escape from the emptiness he felt within.