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The Butt Bandit of Valentine, Nebraska

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the-butt-bandit-of-valentine--nebraska

Some news stories are just too good to pass up...

Our story takes place in the city of Valentine, Nebraska...two square miles in area with a population of roughly 2600 people, give or take. This city is famous for such things as:

  • Nicknamed "America's Heart City"
  • Participates in an annual re-mailing program where thousands of pieces of mail flow into the local U.S. Post Office so that they can be re-mailed with a special Valentine's Day postmark and verse.
  • Listed in 2007 National Geographic Adventure Magazine as one of the ten best wilderness towns and cities
  • The fictional character, Becky Donaldson, from the TV show Full House, was a native of Valentine
  • Home of the "Butt Bandit"

Any city would be proud to have such a fine list of accomplishments and recognition...with the exception, perhaps, of item number five.

Vaseline...

The Butt Bandit's "Paint"

The Butt Bandit's "Paint"

Boudreaux's Butt Paste

Perhaps this would be a better choice

Perhaps this would be a better choice

Author's interpretation of possible "Next Step" scenario

Escalation to actual mooning by copycat criminals

Escalation to actual mooning by copycat criminals

Who is this mysterious "Butt Bandit" and what has he done to earn such an ignoble title?

While most vandals are content with tagging a surface with spray paint, or just committing an act of indiscriminate destruction, this unique criminal mind chooses to leave his mark in a more interesting fashion. As America's Heart City sleeps, Mr. Bandit wreaks havoc upon the unsuspecting city by slathering his butt and genitalia with Vaseline or body lotion before pressing himself against the innocent windows of churches, hotels, schools and other businesses. From what I've read, he is quite good at it and has left some rather detailed impressions on the local establishments.

According to a Ms. Kalli Kieborz who works at one downtown building, "We were completely grossed out. You could, like, see the whole package!"

Although most citizens are secretly amused by the cheeky culprit and agree that the wrongdoing is more disgusting than destructive, there is at least one man who is taking this matter most seriously. Police Chief Ben McBride, with a wad of chew in his mouth, doesn't even crack a smile when talking about this case. "This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," he states. "It's not funny," he continues," and we're worried about the next step."

Although there has been no physical damage to date, the very nature of the prints could lead to a charge of indecent exposure at the very least. The police chief wonders though. If this person continues to get away with leaving his mark, where will it end? McBride already suspects that he is no longer dealing with just one perpetrator and that perhaps there are in fact copycat butt bandits roaming around his beloved city.

Perhaps the culprit is an alien!

the-butt-bandit-of-valentine--nebraska

How Hard Can It Be...

To find a man with hair like this in 2008?

To find a man with hair like this in 2008?

"It's just a weird deal, but it's weird enough to cause a little bit of concern," pondered the Valentine Police Chief, "Who in their right mind would do something like this?"

Although no one has reported seeing this vandal in action, the local constabulary does have one clue in its possession...a blurry photo caught by a surveillance camera at the middle school last year. The man is described as somewhere between 6 foot and 6 foot 3 inches with a slender build. He also has dark hair styled in a "1980's feathered look."

The crime spree actually began in the spring of 2007 with a strike against the window of a Methodist church. At the time, the police chief figured it was just a high school prank, but was soon forced to stake out the building after further assaults.

Despite rewards offered through Crime Stoppers, the pants-dropping perpetrator continued to wreak havoc. By mid-October of 2007, McBride had fielded about twenty reports. The local Midland News newspaper began referring to the vandal(s) as "lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics," almost as if they believed their city was under attack by mindless miscreant zombies with a penchant for messy mooning.

This looks pretty painful...and it's just a tongue!

Photo by ClaytonWang51

Photo by ClaytonWang51

Scroll to Continue

And then...it stopped. Well, at least for the fall and winter. This makes complete sense to me for several reasons. It couldn't possibly be a pleasant sensation to plant your privates against a cold plate glass window, for one. Secondly, since the bandit is rather proud of his mark, leaving a "smaller" signature would be rather embarrassing. And lastly...well, we all know what happens when you place your tongue against a frozen surface. I can just imagine the mortification one would feel to be discovered the following morning, glued by your tender bits to the front window of Miss Suzie's Cut n' Curl. Try explaining yourself out of THAT.

"People said he was done," McBride says, "Then he started back up this summer."

Not only did he return, but his crimes had indeed become more brazen. In a single night, virtually all of the windows at the local hotel were imprinted with the Butt Bandit logo.

The chief also has a new ally in his camp...Cherry County Attorney, Eric Scott, who also doesn't find anything remotely humorous about the derriere delinquent. "It's a malicious act," Scott says, "that will be prosecuted once the person is apprehended. This is not normal behavior for Valentine. It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."

"We would like to find the guy because you'd like to see what the intent is," McBride elucidated, "Was it pranking or something more?"

The sidewalks of Valentine, Nebraska

Nobody called this vandalism...

Nobody called this vandalism...

Hmmm...

This is a very good question. Let us delve deeper into the mind of the Butt Bandit, shall we? What motive could he possibly have for slinking around in the dead of night, smothering his privates in goo and leaving his prints for posterity to puzzle over?

For this, we need to take a closer look at the city of Valentine...self-promoted as we have previously stated as "America's Heart City." Everywhere one looks, obvious examples of the city's pride in its status are evident. Upon entering the municipality, one is treated to a view of a giant heart touting this prestigious position. There are hearts on the street signs and hearts painted on the very sidewalks themselves.

Exhibit Number One

A Baboon's Ass - Heart-shaped AND Heart-colored

A Baboon's Ass - Heart-shaped AND Heart-colored

Exhibit Number Two

A deer flaunting its heart-shaped ass in a public place

A deer flaunting its heart-shaped ass in a public place

Exhibit Three

A comparison shot of edible hearts and hineys

A comparison shot of edible hearts and hineys

Exhibit Four

A Thong in my Heart?

A Thong in my Heart?

Now, let us consider the trademark of the Butt Bandit. If viewed from the correct position, is it not rather heart-shaped? To prove my point, I've included for your perusal, Exhibits One and Two that support this not unreasonable assumption. Even nature has proven most cooperative in illustrating how butts and hearts are very much alike.

In Exhibits Three and Four, the likeness of the butt is also seen in the epitome of innocence...the cookie. You don't think they actually make a "butt-shaped" cookie cutter do you? Of course not. And why should they when with the mere snip of a pair of kitchen scissors can render a sugar cookie into a rather tasty piece of ass?

But what about the "package" prints you ask? How on earth could those be excused? Why, it's very simple actually and once I have explained it, you will probably slap yourself in the forehead and say, "Duh!" Not only is the Butt Bandit expressing his pride in his city with his unique contribution to the local art...but he also is a punster, a master of the innuendo. What could be better than leaving a "hard-on" every window...?

Rather than vilifying the Butt Bandit, the local residents should be applauding his efforts to promote what their city is famous for...hearts.

Comments

butt bandit on December 24, 2010:

the greasmans take on it all .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSXdTCgQLrk

Ralph Deeds from Birmingham, Michigan on April 26, 2010:

I just enjoyed this one for the second time. Valentine is a great little city. I went to the Cherry County fair and rodeo there several times. They used to have a great "tent show" featuring all naked lady dancers.

kerryg from USA on April 26, 2010:

Thanks for the hilarious hub! Just wanted to let you know that I've featured it in my hub Nebraska HubTrail: The HubPages Guide to Nebraska - https://hubpages.com/travel/Nebraska-HubTrail-The-...

Heartcity on January 06, 2010:

I know him, in fact sitting here drinking a beer with his wife...About time they got him !!...LOL

Clive Fagan from South Africa on March 24, 2009:

I am waiting with bated breath! (Not Shadesbreath he is MIA) .

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on March 23, 2009:

Sixty: Awwww...I'll see what I can do (just for you!). *hugs*

Futon: Thank you :) I've done my job if I've made you laugh!

futonfraggle on March 22, 2009:

LOL! Thank you for that laugh. What a great hub. I can't get over this story!

Clive Fagan from South Africa on March 22, 2009:

Spryte please write some more. I miss your special hubs. If you dont feel inspired try out the hubmobs there are topics that give food for thought. I can just imagine what you could write about a vibrating cell phone at an awkward moment!

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on March 22, 2009:

Good nite!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on March 22, 2009:

Me too!!! Good nite..:)

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on March 22, 2009:

I'm off to bed now. Perhaps I'll be inspired to write tomorrow...we'll see.

Take care!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on March 22, 2009:

You are too funny!!!!:)

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on March 22, 2009:

Hahahahah! Well, if I did it, it would definitely be classified as a very small misdemeanor. :P

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on March 22, 2009:

I bet you we would too!!! Spryte I will do it , if you do it....But you first...:)

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on March 22, 2009:

Y'know...I bet a woman would not be arrested for boobie prints...

And no Chris, I'm not gonna test my theory!!!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on March 22, 2009:

I wish they would have evaporated oh for heaven's sake putting someone in jail for butt prints???? Now that is a nut story,,,, You are right their butt prints did look lie hearts , he was only representing...Lol hehehheheh!!!:)

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on March 22, 2009:

That sounds familiar.

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on March 22, 2009:

When I was a kid...we would make buttprints down the driveway after running through the sprinkler. It was fun to watch them evaporate. They looked just like hearts.

Maybe if his buttprints had evaporated too he wouldn't have been arrested...

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on March 22, 2009:

He was an Artiste among hicks. Damn..!.where did that landlord guy go? do you think he was on the level? I want to hear more about the butt bandit

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on March 22, 2009:

And now you understand why Christoph and I think he should not have been imprisoned...

He was only adding to the municipal culture!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on March 22, 2009:

There city is famous for asses!!!!Lol this was an absolutely hysterical article , running around and pressing there body parts, what else could someone do in a town so small...Lololol Love it!!!:)

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on February 17, 2009:

Proud Mom: I loved writing this one...the story was just irrisistable! Perhaps the reason it took so long to find him was because a lot of people really weren't as hot about catching him as the police chief? :) Just a thought! I know I actually found myself rooting for the guy...lol!

Proud Mom from USA on February 17, 2009:

Okaym, first off, spryte--I'll never be able to eat valentine cookies again.

Second, the most disturbing part about this story is the perpetrator's hairstyle.

and lastly, to the police chief: Just stake out the local mercantile. Arrest the guy who buys vaseline by the case.

Very funny stuff, spryte. I can see why you feel the need to runaway.

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on February 16, 2009:

*waves to Tom*

Nice to meetcha! I'm glad you were amused and even more that you dropped in to say hi! How is your tenant doing these days? :)

Ralph - I definitely think it's film worthy. I wonder whose butt would be hired to play the part and I'd love to see the auditions :)

Landlord on February 16, 2009:

Wow,, Ialmost hate to admit it, but I'm Tom Larvie A.k.A. "the Butt Bandit's" landlord. What a hoot!

Ralph Deeds from Birmingham, Michigan on November 27, 2008:

It has the potential for an update of the classic movie, "The Oxbow Incident." My grandfather homesteaded near Valentine. I remember hearing him say once that six honest ranchers could hang a cattle rustler.

Let us know what happens in court to the butt bandit. Great hub.

BigJAYhusker on November 27, 2008:

So I heard the other day that they finally caught the Butt Bandit. I am from a small town about an hour from Valentine and would have thought this one of the funniest things ever. In fact a co-worker of mine and his wife are from the Valentine area. I am excited to learn more here in the Husker state as this story unfolds, but I will definitely come back to check your coverage of the story.

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 26, 2008:

Lazur - You don't! You leave it right there on your gorgeous face for the entire world to see. Love the holiday pic!!!! Damn...now I want to make one for me. :)

Lazur from Netherlands on November 26, 2008:

How do I get this smile of my face after reading this?:P LOL

ajcor from NSW. Australia on November 25, 2008:

keep us all in the loop - we probably wouldn't hear outcome over here!!! the above incident happened when I was wkg as a commercial prop. mngr and I had to field the problem! cheers

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 25, 2008:

Hiya ajcor: Hmmm...I can't imagine a librarian gets to see much of that in a normal day. :)

I have to admit, I'm sad that he's been caught as well. Obviously, he wasn't as careful about his secret identity as he should have been. Well, if there is a trial...there might be some entertainment value there. I suppose we'll have to see!

ajcor from NSW. Australia on November 25, 2008:

Hi Spryte - great hub -really funny. Sorry they caught the fellow - makes for local colour and all that....reminds me of an incident a number of years ago when our public city library was located directly over the road from a busy nightclub, and early one morning a librarian looked up from her books to see a big round male bottom firmly implanted onto the plate glass window right next to her - the owner of which was a somewhat inebriated laughing nightclub visitor from over the way!!! the poor librarian was a little shocked to say the least......lol

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 25, 2008:

Lisa - Thank you ! :)

Lisa Packer on November 25, 2008:

This is too funny! Great hub!

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 25, 2008:

Moondawg - Very nice sidewalk art! Having never been to Valentine, I didn't realize that the picture captured 2nd & Main...but thanks for identifying it. Your town was in the news quite a bit when this story was written, so it was probably captured by a news feed. I honestly can't remember :)

Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!

MOONDAWG on November 24, 2008:

Yea thats strait up funny stuff there, im from Valentine and prolly know the person. o ya and as far as those hearts on the sidewalks i helpd paint those. where did you get the picture of the corner of 2nd and Main?

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 24, 2008:

mrsmud - LOL!!!!! OMG...I just about fell over laughing when I read your mom's comment. You have to admire the attention to detail though??? :)

Thanks for dropping in and saying hi!

mrsmud on November 24, 2008:

I'm originally from Valentine. I've talked to several family members back home, and yes the butt bandit was caught last week. A good friend of my mom's works at one of the businesses that was , ah, attacked?, and said "my god, you could count the ass hairs."

Pam Roberson from Virginia on November 24, 2008:

LOL, the cleaning bandit was a man, and perhaps he didn't come to my house due to the limited, cheap cleaning products I have. It's funny, but the news never did go into detail about if he only climbed in bed with women who were alone or if he also enjoyed a full bed like what you describe. lol!

Yes! I remember noxema! They still sell that stuff and it still smells as bad as it did way back when. Wowzie. I'm sure emergency technicians are now using it to revive people or to bring someone out of a coma. ;)

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 23, 2008:

LOL! Pam...I could use a bandit like that...uh, the one that cleans the house and then crawls into bed (if he/she can find room between one husband and five cats...then kudos to him/her). Not sure I'd want anything to do with a cold cream bandit. OMG...I keep having these visions of Noxema (remember how nasty that stuff smelled?) smeared on my chest. Blech! I'm so glad you enjoyed this hub!

Pam Roberson from Virginia on November 23, 2008:

ROFLMAO.... "lewd, lubricated, lurching lunatics" was my favorite part, but the whole hub is so funny! Thank you for the chuckles. :) Your writing is incredible Spryte.

Bandits such as this one come in many varieties...there was the cold cream bandit in the 70's, he would sneak in homes and smear cold cream on women's chests while they slept. Personally, I don't think I could sleep through something that cold and greasy, but evidently enough women did that it made the news. Although I suspect it could also be one of those urban tales or something.

And, only a few years ago, I heard about a very unusual bandit who would sneak in at night and clean the person's house, then crawl in bed with them. It's true. Honest. I left my doors unlocked for a whole year so he'd come in and clean my house, but he never did. :( lol!

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 23, 2008:

barranca - I'm so glad I was able to give you and your wife a laugh over your morning coffee! I've heard a rumor that they've actually caught him...which is the town's loss. He should have remained at large in my opinion. :)

robie - I think the town should be capitalizing on it as well. :) But I guess some of the local constabulary didn't have much of a sense of humor regarding the cheeky individual's personal statements.

Thanks to both of you for dropping in and saying hello!

Roberta Kyle from Central New Jersey on November 23, 2008:

Ahhhhhhh that's life in small-town America:-) I am just ROTFL. I think the butt bandit could become a real local tourist attraction-- think of the souvenirs and those butt shaped cookies and think $$$$ for Valentine. Less work for the post office on Valentine's Day anyway-- oh thanks Spryte for making my day. Must log off know but will be chuckling over this for hours

barranca on November 23, 2008:

This is great. I just read it aloud to my wife and we laughed our way through our morning coffee. I have relatives who live on a ranch just south of Valentine , so I know the town and the area well. No doubt the butt bandit is a cowboy, a night "rider".

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on November 22, 2008:

KrisH:

Thanks for the update! I hope they aren't too hard on him...he did provide a lot of entertainment. :) Not a really good idea to butt-print the post office though. They probably had one of his butt-prints up on the most wanted wall and somebody recognized him. :

As for the pick-up, the house, the exes and the high school senior....you guys sure know how to cause a stir out there don't you?

Thank you for sharing and bringing closure to us! If you hear anything else, please feel free to come back and let us know.

KrisH on November 21, 2008:

The butt bandit has been caotured. I'm from the heart city area, and it was reported on the radio, that he was caught while imprinting the post office. It's a native american male, and his wife works at the local hospital as a kitchen aide.

On the news now is an ex husband driving his pick up into his ex wife's house, 14 ft into the house. His wife ran off with a high school senior.

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on September 19, 2008:

Thanks pcdriver! :)

pcdriverupdate from VA on September 19, 2008:

funny stuff. good report! :)

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on September 17, 2008:

Hiya 2pat -

A wild cat in England? Now that I'd like to hear more about :)

Thanks for the comment!

2patricias from Sussex by the Sea on September 17, 2008:

Pat says 'I had to read this Hub because I was born in Nebraska (haven't been there for several years now) and it is so rare to see Nebraska in the title of anything, let alone a Hub. Coming from Nebraska, I understand what a big thing this is for a small town. However, the town where we live has a long running story about a big wild cat - on the south coast of England, that's fairly improbable, but features from time to time in our local paper.'

Very entertaining hub, and so well presented.

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on September 17, 2008:

The blue/white/blue thing? Why...I did the same thing that you did on yours...absolutely nothing. :) Looks like a new feature?

And why stop at Yeats??? We can just randomly insert poetry on EVERY hub using all the great romantics...

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on September 17, 2008:

Sure! Let's put it on EVERYBODY'S HUB! It is Yeats, after all. But y'all were talking about a different kind of Butt Bandit, so....

P.S. How do you get the comments to do the blue/white/blue thing?

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on September 16, 2008:

LOL! Christoph...you sure know how to make a girl swoon. But...don't you think that would make a good quote for Shade's Excrement hub?

Christoph Reilly from St. Louis on September 16, 2008:

But love has pitched his mansion in The place of excrement;

William Butler Yeats

I saw this quote and thought of you!

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on September 16, 2008:

Thank you, quiet.chaos!

quiet.chaos from Torrid Simplicity on September 16, 2008:

Hilarious hub!

spryte (author) from Arizona, USA on September 15, 2008:

Shade - I can always make arrangements with your wife to use it on you *evil grin* and then we'll know for sure just how hot the stuff is...

Compu - Hehehe...I thought it was rather funny that they call him the Butt Bandit too because it has a similar meaning (although it doesn't necessarily pertain to just the homosexual community...just anyone with that proclivity, I think). I've never since a campy cat...lol...must be funny!

Tony Sky from London UK on September 15, 2008:

Phew, ive learned a lot today!!

I'm back from having to find out exactly who and what Butt Bandit really is and here's what i found....

"A But Bandit is a small Asian man who runs around and pulls his pants down and puts his ass on things. As he does this he then proceeds to yell out the name