Jim Dorsch has written about food, drink and music for 25 years. He occasionally foists what passes for humor on unsuspecting readers.
The August 2015 issue of Golf Digest included the results of an online survey, 33 percent of whose respondents claimed to have had sex on a golf course. Granted, six of ten subjects were males aged 24 to 44.
Hijinks on the links may be fine for young men—physically, at least—but might a more mature man be better advised to focus on the matter at hand?
Fortunately, ScienceDaily reports on a statement from the American Heart Association that people with stable cardiovascular disease and no or minimal symptoms during routine activities can have sex.
“Sexual activity generally is safe and no more strenuous than golf,” said Dr. John Moran of the Loyola University Health System.
“Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.”
— Jimmy DeMaret
The doctor's statement referred specifically to “a patient who has sex with a familiar partner.” This would seem to nix the casual hookup on the links for octogenarian golfers.
The Wall Street Journal reported in December 2012 that the high cardiovascular intensity of activities such as cycling conferred no additional longevity over less strenuous pursuits such as golf. I assume that in this case, longevity refers to lifespan rather than the sex act.
You Don't Have to be Good, but it Helps
“Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them,” said professional golfer Jimmy DeMaret (1910-1983).
Golf takes longer, at least for most folks. On the other hand, you shouldn't need a caddy to satisfy the wife. And I certainly hope you don't need a golf cart.
Back when he was just a humble—ahem—businessman, Donald Trump blamed the game for golfer Tiger Woods' promiscuity, reported the New York Daily News in April 2010. “I really think that there's tremendous pressure you wouldn't understand from the world of golf,” he said. Trump made the comments at the premiere of his show, Donald J. Trump's Fabulous World of Golf on the Golf Channel.
As an aside, President Trump—wow, that's not easy to say—told Rolling Stone how he maintained his famous locks: "OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour.” Trump showed RS his hairline, stressing that although he does comb his hair, it is not a comb-over. “It's sort of a little bit forward and back,” he said. The story described his hairstyle as a “flying wing.” Nice.
Back in 2016, citizen Trump spoke critically of President Barack Obama's devotion to golf outings, but PolitiFact reported that in his first several months in office, Trump had spent more time golfing than Obama did.
Good, Clean Fun
Returning to the matter at hand, it turns out that you can combine sex and golf. The Los Angeles Times reported in November 2004 on a tournament in Norco, Cal., at which prostitutes and strippers serviced participants in tents set up near several tees. “Riverside County sheriff's investigators knew something was fishy when some golfers showed up for a golf tournament in Norco without their clubs,” said the paper. That would be a clue. It cost $200 to enter the tournament, but there were additional charges for services provided in the tents, which doesn't strike me as a good value proposition, if you will.
In December 2007, the Asbury Park Press in New Jersey reported on the Centerfolds golf outing that had been taking place for more than a decade at various area golf courses. For those who actually golfed at these outings, the caddies were topless go-go dancers, who also tended to the flag sticks and drove the golf carts. Police collected information about one such outing while investigating what turned out to be an erroneous rape allegation. It was reported that “ … one of the men and a woman were having sexual intercourse on the putting green and that the female involved was performing oral sex on another male.” I hope no one was waiting to play through.
A similar event occurred in June 2007 at the Cherry Valley Golf Course in Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains. The Poconos—is nothing sacred? This little imbroglio started when 20-year-old Dave Gold was denied entrance to a road shared by the golf course and a friend he wanted to visit. He determined that something might be amiss when the employee blocking the road allegedly told him, "I'll kick your ass."
More recently, Shelly Lewis and Alicia Binford, both in their early forties, were arrested in June 2012 on misdemeanor indecency charges for exposing their breasts on a golf course in Alton, Ill., according to The Daily Caller. Looking at their photos leads one to believe that theirs may have primarily been a crime against good taste.
In April 2018, British papers reported the case of a golfer who was seen pleasuring himself with either the ninth hole—the actual hole—the flag, or both. The exact nature of the deed is uncertain, and truth be told, that is good enough for me.
The Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) doesn't use sex to promote its product, but implicitly acknowledges that sex sells. Asked about the appearance of three LPGA golfers in their birthday suits in the Body Issue of ESPN The Magazine in October 2009, LPGA chief communications officer David Higdon said, “We support them.” Being stark naked at the time, they probably needed support.
The Denver Post noted in July 2011 that some of the most popular LPGA golfers were far down the money list, and that they were popular due to their sex appeal and effective self-promotion. Perkin Lee, a 34-year-old fan, told The Post, “... sexiness in women's golf has definitely drawn a lot more attention these days—it's kind of why I'm here.”
It's About the Process, Not the Score
Clinical Psychologist Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D., notes on his website the similarity between golf and sex with respect to performance issues. Comparing the sex act to golf, he says, “Just as in golf, if the golfer is more concerned with the score than with the process of engaging the ball and the motion of his body, the odds are that he will experience a poor shot.”
Let's hope the patients discussed in ScienceDaily are concentrating, because their next shots could be their last.
Jim Dorsch (author) from Alexandria, VA on January 24, 2012:
thanks everyone, look around the internet for lists of top 50 golf/sex jokes for the real off color stuff! cheers.
Tonu1973 from the outer reaches of reality on January 24, 2012:
Loved the off color humor. I will never look at putt putt the same way again! Thanks for SHARING!
Cammiebar from Upstate New York on January 24, 2012:
Wow, I had no idea that some gold courses had that happen. But then again, in my area of the world, everyone is usually too poor for that type of service. Provocative hub!