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Senior Citizen Clean Jokes Funny Pictures Funny Videos

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I am just a curious guy...

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Senior Citizen Clean Jokes

A Perfect Marriage?

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

You don't stop laughing

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." --Michael Pritchard

Billie Jean Dancing Senior Citizens

Old age is an excellent time

"Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week." --Maggie Kuhn

An old fellow fell in love with a lady.

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

"Age doesn't matter, unless you're cheese." - Senior citizen doesn't means end of life...

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Secret of staying young

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Prescription of Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, but cut each one into four pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Buying a Volkswagen from an old lady...

Senior citizen wash and vacuum

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Care for the Elderly

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital


"How are you grandpa?" He asks


"Feeling fine" says the old man


What's the food like?


"Terrific, wonderful menus"


"And the nursing?"


"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"


"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"


"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."


The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.


"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"


"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep,

and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

Be happy

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An old woman was arrested for shoplifting

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Well everybody deserves fun some times..................."Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What happened?'" --Ann Landers

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Funny Senior Moments

Walking up to a department store's

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Mr.Six Dance

Guess who

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I've Sure Gotten Old!


I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

We need to keep seniors busy....

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First can you cut me my social security check

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Funny can't get old.

Nobody grows old

"Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul." --Douglas MacArthur

Comments

Bill Russo from Cape Cod on June 18, 2013:

All of this would be very funny if it were somebody else's life and not mine!!!!!!!!!!!

ThomasBaker from Florida on March 02, 2012:

Several similar things have actually happened to me in my old age. It's not funny any more. Thank God, I've got three beautiful women in my life - a good looking neighbor lady, the girl on one of the registers at Winn Dixie and the one I keep locked up down in the cellar. Another thing that keeps me going is my friend and me go out late at night (around 8:30) and steal hubcaps.

freelanceauthor on February 14, 2012:

I like this hub. The videos are funny. Thanks for the share. Voted up

MonaVieAileen from New York on February 19, 2011:

I like this. Very funny stuff.

Ellarose92 on January 29, 2011:

This is amazingly adorable

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