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I do not fear failure, death, or heartbreak.

I fear the person I became to deal with it all. A heartless, emotionless being, indifferent to anything and everything.

I fear the need for it to come out and see the world; the desire for it to conquer and plague my thoughts.

I have buried it deep in the caverns of my mind, desperately trying to deter its actions and influence.

I welcome death versus the numbness it brings.

I fear the possibility of its return with any drink, darkness, or moment of grief.

I fear it never going away; forever lurking in the depths of my soul - mind and body aching forever.

I do not fear loss. I fear losing myself in the midnight thoughts. I fear never feeling alive.

I fear finding comfort in slipping away than waking up.

I do not fear much; only what myself is capable of in the worst of times.

I fear the need to suppress and forget - ultimately conquering my desire to ever feel alive.

© 2017 Elise


No name on March 03, 2017:

Take care Elise.

Elise (author) on March 03, 2017:

it's about my past, I was hurting, I grew a lot in the process. I'm all good now, thank you for your consideration.

No name on March 03, 2017:

Elise, I read this again .... and your other posts ....

Scroll to Continue

Perhaps these are about something in your past or maybe these are just therapeutic.

But I find myself wondering why someone would be hurting this much.

"Are you OK?" I really hope so ....

Very respectfully, No name

P.S. If I have wronged, please forgive my impertinence.

No name on March 01, 2017:

This is bitter-sweet ….

Sometimes we experience events or act in ways which force us to become

tougher. But, at what cost? Many medicines are poisonous in anything

by the smallest quantities.

To experience the feeling of the medicine doing its work on our body,

mind and soul. Then to feel the fever break, a different person now.

We have to live with it. What we've done, what we've become. The

pride next to the sorrow. The accomplishment next to the loss.

These are interesting issues you are talking about in your writings.

Are we no-longer known to ourselves? Would we approve? You seem to understand the

personal cost of strength and perseverance. Has this made you a

better person? How have these things changed your vision of yourself?

External loss and failures are nothing compared to failing ourselves. Worse, failing someone dear to us.

If you think these questions are relevant, perhaps you could explore

these thoughts?

Your other writings seems to focus on regret and loss. You are

right, nothing is forever, but the converse is often true too, for

every goodbye, there are lessons and, perhaps a second chance. If a

second chance presents itself, to right a wrong, to retrieve something

lost, to forgive ourselves and someone else, we must make ourselves

stronger and better, keep an open heart and mind. Most of our worst

mistakes, the ones we regret the most, arise out of our own weakness. As a soldier, you must understand how

true that is. Stay strong and get stronger. The stronger you are,

the deeper you can afford to feel while “staying sober”.

You writings are well written, focused and to the point. I look forward to

reading more of your thoughts in the near future.

I wish you a very peaceful and reflective day.

Yours sincerely, No name

P.S. Wanted to write a longer comment earlier but had to get to work. Cheers!

Elise (author) on March 01, 2017:

Thank you!

No name on March 01, 2017:

Keep writing ..... You are good!

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