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Part 2 Hurt and Pain

This is a part of my life. This isn't a full biography. That would include a bunch of sex, drugs, and life lessons.

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Part 2 Intro

This is part 2 of Hurt and Pain. I have changed plans. There will be more parts than 3. Covering 20 years in 1 article causes long load times for the web page. Part 2 will be from April 1994 to October 2003 when I complete my high school classes. During these years I get sent to live with my dad because it gets worse at home. I get a wicked stepmother. I re-encounter Mr. Trepanier. I race cars. I start having stress-induced hallucinations. I'm prevented from graduating because I read the Bible and have deep philosophical questions. It's a crazy world to grow up in.

Map for Part 2

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Franky's Memorial

I'm not allowed to go to Franky's memorial assembly "to preserve the noble lie". I have to spend the time in detention instead. They tell the school that Franky has moved away.

Picture Day

Violet starts coming to Mrs. Skuag's classroom. Mrs. Skuag thinks it's unfair that the girls like me and not John. Violet is new and to give the bullies a chance I can't sit next to her. I always sit as close to her as I'm allowed. It's picture day and everyone is all dressed up. John sits behind her and starts telling her that she's ugly. I'm sitting next to him. I start defending Violetta as John tries pulling out her hair. Mrs. Skaug sees this and pushes herself in-between us.

"He can if he wants to," she tells me.

John grabs a handful of Violet's hair and pulls out the intricate bun.

I leg reap Mrs. Skaug. Dropping her on her butt and punch John in the eye. I'm not allowed to stand next to Violet in the class picture. She has to stand next to John by order of Mrs. Skuag. His black eye is immortalized in that class picture.

There is never any justice. Adults reinforce other adults. It's always assumed that the kids are the problem and the teachers are telling the truth. Any conflict is a behavior problem. Teachers and faculty are well aware of this and exploit it regularly.

"Never trust a grown-up." Is a saying between us.

Willows Trailer Village

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Willows Trailer Village

My dad has moved from Othello to a trailer park near Moses lake. He has a better paying job at Columbia Basin Heating and Electric. There's a boy next door. I hang out with him on our weekends with dad. We play Newspaper Boy on Atari and smoke cigarettes.

Going to North

In 4th grade I go to North Elementary. I get to hang out with Violet only at recess. John has a different recess so we never have to see him. We play a game where the girls swing and we run through them like a gauntlet. I stop getting in fights on the playground

Tentacles

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Stabbing Inner Thigh

I keep a steak knife in my top drawer. My mom finds it and replaces it with a butter knife. The next day before I have a chance to swap it out, my sisters have men over again. I see white powder being poured out on the table in small lines.

I grab Pat who's following me to the kitchen. We run back to our room and hide. Pat is in the pile of dirty clothes with the butter knife. I hide under the bed with the dowel from the window. The bed is flipped over as I ineffectively smack one in the shin before being stomped out.

I'm led into mom's bedroom. A group of guys is ripping off Tammy's clothes while pinning her to the bed. The knife is brought to my throat. They command me to kneel. The guy with the knife still to my throat pulls out his dick. He's nervous.

"I still don't trust him not to bite it off. " He looks to another "Bring in his little brother. He cares more about him than himself."

"Just go along with it Richard. You'll like it" Trisha says smiling. She's high as hell and 13.

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They lead Pat in with a knife to his throat. As they pass through the door the guy with the knife to Pat's throat takes it off just for a moment to close the door behind them.

This is my chance. The knife is off Pat and no one is paying attention to me for an instant.

I grab the knife at my throat and thrust it into the dude's crotch. It's fast and by surprise.

He almost jumps out of the way, but it buries into his inner thigh. The knife is twisted out of my hand as he turns to run.

Tammy fights free in the chaos. Pat starts to fight. They panic as blood starts spraying. Not as much as when I stabbed the cop. The walls are splattered but mostly a thick trail is made as the group runs out the door. I throw the fallen knife at their backs as they shove out the front door. It smacks them butt end.

We scrub and clean as best we can for the next several hours before mom gets off of work at the bar. We get most of it. The carpet is still stained. We won't talk as she inspects and finds blood. None of us talk knowing we'll be in trouble.

Problems at Home

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Hit With A Board

I'm out back when my sister's friends come over. I'm not allowed in but Pat is. They lock me out so they can rape Pat. I try climbing in through my mom's window. Trisha hears me and comes in with a board. She smacks me in the head with it and shoves me back out the window.

I wake up on the couch. My mom came home and saw me laying below the window. I keep falling back asleep so my mom takes me to the hospital. I get stitches from the gash that the board left and stay the night for observation because of my concussion.

Stabbed by Pat 2 Different Times

Pat has a grudge against me. He keeps trying to stab me. He manages twice. Once with a pair of scissors and again with a steak knife. He does this by waiting for me to walk around a corner, then says it was an accident.

I think he's mad about being handed a butter knife. I explain to him that mom swapped out the steak knife for a butter knife. That's not it. He thinks I threw a rock that scared the rabbit before rushing Adam. He's mad because he thinks I tried to get them to shoot him.

Threatening Patrick With A Bow

Pat blames me for everything. He repeats what the girls say "We all would be better off without you. The world would be better without you."

I'm target practicing with a 20lb bow when he starts telling me that he would be better off if I let them rape me. "Stop being so selfish."

I point the bow at him. "If you ever say that again I kill you."

Fights After School

I still get in fights after school. All the older boys that are willing to fight go to a school several miles away. I like fighting and it's getting harder to find bullies.

My sisters are still drug addicted. Their friends eat all our food when they come over. Whatever they can't eat at the moment they take it with them. Mom works late as a bartender. Pat and I live on dry top ramen. I spend as much time away from the house as possible.

The local gangs start using me in pit fights. They'll circle me and another much larger boy and place bets. I only do this a couple of times before they bring a high schooler. He's wearing his letterman jacket. He knocks me down pretty quickly and raises his hands like he just won. I hop right back up. I kick behind his knee and drag him backward by the back of his collar. I start stomping on his face. I wake up being carried off. This was my last pit fight because the Crips destroyed the betting by jumping in.

Tied to Chair

Pat has tied me to a chair. I'm practicing my escapes when the girls walk in. The pull my pants off and start spreading peanut butter on my dick when mom walks in.

This is it. After the house fills up with blood and none of us bleeding, the break-ins, the girls starving us by giving all our food away; mom sends me and Pat to live with our dad.

Forest Gump

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Pizza and Forest Gump

Our dad has bought a house in Ephrata. It's 4000 square feet. A full basement and 2 bedrooms on an upper story. It's one of the oldest homes in town. The old Swanson farmhouse was built in the 1920s. The farmland has become a neighborhood in town.

Its condition is so bad that it's about to be condemned. Holes in all the walls, a leaky roof, and animal urine have caused flood damage. It cost about 60k in 1995. It comes with a double lot.

There used to be a house next door but it and the upper story burnt in the 60s. The stairs creak in ordered up and down at night. The radio changes stations by itself to an oldies station playing Elvis some nights.

We camp in the living room eating pizza and watching Forrest Gump every night. We memorize every line in the movie. Dad is off drugs and is acting like a completely different person

Mrs. Kawasaki

I finish the last half of 4th grade in Mrs. Kawasaki's class. Ephrata is a small very clicky town. These clicks are reinforced by the teachers. There's the preppies (small town rich) and everyone else.

Ephrata is a 5k population town 20 miles from Moses Lake and acts as the county seat. Back before the freeways, Moses lake was almost nonexistent. The county vote for a county seat came down to Ephrata or Wilson Creek. The people from Wilson creek would've won if they didn't get drunk the night before and slept in. Wilson creek at about 1k people farming town was bigger than Ephrata which was just a steam train stop for water and a post office.

Ephrata had hot springs until the courthouse was built on top of them. The courthouse uses the hot springs as heat. It now also has a hospital and controls the irrigation for the Columbia Basin Project.

This creates a group of professionals that like to lord their minor wealth. They are all connected to the Blue Freemason Lodge.

The county struggles to grow under their outright corruption. Repeated bribes are required for everything stalling construction projects while targeting minority-owned businesses with searches and seizures of business equipment. The county should one of the most prosperous because it has the cheapest electricity in the world and has the attention of every tech company. The people who run it want to preserve the small towns as small towns, until generous bribes are offered then they keep reneging for more bribes.

There is another family of Browns and they are extremely poor. Due to us both having the same last name it's assumed we are related. Because of this, I'm supposed to be ostracized according to Mrs. Kawasaki. I'm not supposed to even flex my arms, because the girls can see. I'm expected to let the preppies punch me. If I fight back, I get sent to the principal's office. Even if it's not a fight, I'm just not letting them tease me in; the principal's office.

Race Cars

My dad's been racing at the local track for a couple of years. He buys Brownie from uncle Mike. Brownie is a beat-up copper-colored Volkswagen Scirocco. It's over-carbureted and sputters at the back of the pack. Ephrata mini stock race with an inverted field, meaning the fastest in the back. Its build philosophy is "pretty don't make it fast." A side effect is that it's easy to get people to bet against it when it wins 90% of the races.

Every time they come up with a new rule we come up with a workaround.

Teakwondo

Not being in such a violent environment brought down my level of violence.

That summer I join Taekwondo. I find a group where I fit in. Do well but I'm not allowed to belt because my dad keeps not paying Arron, my instructor. Also, the scoring in non-contact tournaments is never explained to me. I didn't know only kicks scored.

Mr. Laird

I have Mr. Laird for 5th grade. He has this way of grading me badly for only following directions and worse for not following directions exactly. "Your best isn't good enough".

I'm expected to get Accelerated Reader points. The school library doesn't have many books that interest me. Nancy Drew is at the top of the AR points reading list. They have encyclopedias and other nonfiction which is what I'm interested in but it has no AR points. I read the amount of AR points I need to but then switch to encyclopedias and get in trouble for this. Sent to the principal's office kind of trouble.

I'm told that I need to read faster. I'm the fastest reader that gets perfect comprehension. I'm not even a slow reader. The grading system favors the kids that get the wrong answers the fastest.

Other kids are being told not to talk to me or play with me.

Mr. Laird is a pedophile, but because he's in a wheelchair that somehow makes it okay (sarcasm).

Linda

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Linda

My dad starts dating an old neighbor from when I was 3 in Moses lake. She's a fat woman with fake niceness. She'll act sweet but then slander, cheat, steal, and more from children. In 2 weeks my dad married her.

Mom told him "Only a Mexican or a retard would marry you. At least if you married a Mexican the kids would eat good".

Linda is the other kind of dumb where she's dumb, defiantly refuses to learn, then plays helpless because she doesn't know.

She went from acting super sweet to cruel cunt, her 1st morning living with us. Bruce, her oldest, was showing off his calculator watch to the other kids in the living room as I left for school.

I choose to walk because I don't like the bus driver. He tries to dictate who I can and can't talk to and sit next to on the bus. I get write-ups and then accused of forging my dad's signature. It's only a mile to school. I have to leave early because it takes longer to walk than ride the bus.

Bruce losses his watch and it's found in the couch where he was showing it off. I'm in trouble for stealing it after I had already left; then hiding it before I got back. I walk back from school too. I get searched for anything else I could've stolen and grounded.

My dad tells me he's giving me "the benefit of the doubt. I have to understand."

I'm still in trouble for things I couldn't have possibly done and obviously didn't. It's a pattern that keeps repeating almost daily. "You have to understand" means I have to understand leverage.

Chore List

We have a chore list. It's a week-long schedule that rotates daily. This quickly devolves into me helping Bruce, Mark, and Anna do their chores once I finish mine, while they watch TV. I'm in trouble if I don't do their chores but the only chore that will be thoroughly checked for any fault is the one I'm scheduled for.

I do my own laundry. I make sure to watch it the whole time, so bleach doesn't accidentally make it into the dryer; by some miracle.

I prefer to cook for myself but I have to eat dinner, that would be disrespectful. It isn't until my growth spurt in a few years, that I become the vacuum cleaner.

Science Fair

I join the science fair. It's set up differently than I see in movies. It's not kids bringing individual projects, it's schools competing in science completions.

I sweep Aerodynamics with my paper airplanes. They have to change rules last minute to defeat my designs. Other teams were planning on reinforcing the wings with a paperclip that planes are expected to carry in one of the Aerodynamics events. I figure out how to more effectively incorporate it into a wing span that won't flutter; rules change. I'm a single contestant versus teams because kids brought their parents and coaches. I win every event with my paper airplanes earning a 1st place ribbon.

Jessica

I make friends with a blonde girl down the street. We've been playing every day since just after I moved. Her name is Jessica.

Linda doesn't like her. One day we are looking for kite string in the garage. We almost kiss but I get too nervous and chicken out.

Linda has been spying on us. She doesn't want us to find what she keeps in some of her boxes.

She tells Jessica's foster parents that we are trying to fuck in the garage. This gets Jessica sent away. Linda is super proud of herself.

Linda's Secret Box

Not long after Patrick opens one of her boxes. It's full of hypodermic needles. There are thousands of them.

"What do you think these are for?" He asks.

"People use them to do drugs"

Linda has seen him and is storming over. "How dare you say they are for drugs! These are for Bruce's B12 shots."

I get grounded for telling Pat that people use hypodermic needles for drugs. "You have to understand."

I understand that they had Bruce on a steroid regimen for gymnastics.

I understand that Linda was a prostitute that had a stockpile of needles.

I hear my step-siblings talk. They talk about things like Linda was engaged to a different guy when she started dating my dad. They all liked him more. When she asked them they said my dad "because he makes more money."

I hear them talk about being left with her John's as "babysitters".

Bruce is her golden child that can do no wrong. Mark is the mascot like the youngest. Before me, Anna her middle child was the one being treated like me.

This year for my birthday my dog gets sent to the shelter. "We can't have 2 dogs.". Linda's fat Australian shepherd that humps everything is kept. Then they get another dog almost immediately.

Fairness

Linda doesn't think it's fair that I go to Taekwondo 3 times a week and her kids go to gymnastics once a week. She doesn't have to take me, I walk. I have to quit Taekwondo and do gymnastics instead. This is okay only for a month until the gymnastics coach starts paying attention to me, not only Bruce. We all have to quit because of this.

Newspaper

I get a job delivering papers for the grant county herald. Im expected to give half my earnings over for "savings". The idea is to teach me financial responsibility by taxing me extra. I already know how adults "saving" my money goes. The snow shoveling was the first time. Since has been helping on a farm, recycling cans, and when they found me saving my allowance. It's things they can take and so they will. If they took all of it I wouldn't deliver newspapers. So they take half my pay check, then allow anybody to steal anything they want. This somehow becomes me being irresponsible hence why they need to save for me.

I quickly learn that most people are honest but a few aren't. They will try every way they can to avoid paying a $10 bill. If they don't pay it's taken out of my check. I have to be approved to stop delivering papers to them. Out of over 70 people 3 are problematic. Judge Brown, the florist lady, and a person I can't remember the name of. Never being home, claiming they paid but I refused to give them a receipt, I gave them a receipt from months ago, I didn't deliver there paper when they wanted (florist lady wanted it before I received the bundle), saying that I wasn't delivering the paper, demanding free months because they say so. Everyone else liked that I delivered the paper at the same time every day and placed it neatly on their porch. Not these 3.

My step siblings see me making money and decide to get paper routes to. They choose a different paper, they have smaller less frequent routes. They think it's not fair that I get paid more by the Herald. Linda calls up the Herald and tells them I won't be delivering papers for them anymore, to make it fair.

Grant County Fair

The Grant County Fair comes around. Linda and her kids spend a lot of money. This is when she claims to have given me all my savings from my paper route. I never got a dime.

My dad says "did you write it down?"

"What? Not being given any money?"

"If you wrote it down then there would be something I could do about it."

"What would I have written down?"

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. You have to understand."

Ephrata Middle School

I go to Ephrata middle school. Now it's a handful of different teachers. I'm no longer interested and having trouble sleeping.

I've developed this pacifist mentality. The idea that it really is me being worthless, and deserving of everything bad that happens to me, is setting in. I hear it everyday. I'm told daily that I'm fat, ugly, and stupid. I'm told that I don't deserve anything. That it's okay for them to steal anything they want and destroy anything I hold valuable. I start letting people hit me. The sudden change turns to fighting at school. I can't compartmentalize like that. I can't be several different people.

Espionage

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Counter Espionage

I live like a spy. I keep a tooth pick in my door so I know if anyone comes it. There's a coat of dust on the shelves so know if anything gets moved. A marionette sits on top of my toy chest. It has to be placed just right or the strings get tangled. There's a manilla envelope taped under the desk. A cigarette is placed under a desk leg. If the desk is wiggled or weight is put on it the cigarette breaks. Any money I get is hidden under a corner of carpet under the desk.

They regularly plant things in my room trying to get me in trouble. They'll steal from each other then blame it on me because they found something in a room raid. I stop keeping my room clean because it's constantly being destroyed in the searches.

One day I'm being threatened by my dad if I don't get my room cleaned up. I clean it up, it just had clean laundry thrown from my dresser. I leave the window unlocked and walk out of the house.

I watch through my bedroom window as Linda walks into my room. She on the phone with her friend Melody. She starts trashing my room.

When she done and leaves, I sneak in through my window. I clean the mess she made back up and exit back out the window.

I wait for dad to come home and follow him in.

Linda immediately starts screaming that I didn't clean my room and how rude I've been not listening to her.

I insist that I did clean my room and that dad can check.

"Are you calling Linda a liar!?"

"I'm calling her a lieing cunt."

"How dare you! She's my wife I trust her more than anything!" He takes off his belt "bend over!"

I do. After he gives his best I turn to him "is that all?" I say flatly.

This is the last time he ever beat me.

Wrestling

I join wrestling. It's my first year and all the pizza has made me fat. I lose every match. Dad is there to record me losing every match. The video is replayed at home for the other kids to make fun of me for losing. It's the best entrainment for them. They watch it over and over again coming up with meaner comments to add to the repeated ones.

Las Vegas

Mom has moved to Vegas with the girls. We visit her over the summer. Her mom and a brother live there. Vegas is where she came of age babysitting kids at the MGM.

The citric circus hotel is massive. They have a floor dedicated to arcade games! There a circus in the middle. One night the fire alarm got pulled. I learned that a bunch of freaks stay at the there. People used it as an excuse to strut around the hall buck nakey or in lingerie.

When we get back me and Pat have managed, some how some way, to steal things while we were gone and are in deep trouble. Things disappeared after we left and were found before we got back.

"We were thousands of miles away."

"You have to understand".

Philip H. Trepanier

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Wilson Creek

It wasn't fair that her kids had to go to Ephrata when all their friends are in Wilson creek. We change schools. Didn't move, just went to school 25 miles away. Wilson creek has no redeeming virtues. Its not a trade off for anything.

The administration and faculty are terrible. Mr. Trepanier is a math teacher. Yep one of the Trepanier twins that was running a child trafficking ring caught red handed by the police. He has a reputation for impregnating students.

I call him out for sexually harassing middle school girls. She's in trouble for not saying he's handsome. She has to place her desk next to his in front of the class, while he plays footsie with her.

I'm in trouble for cheating. There's no using equations for the guess and check homework allowed. He's the worst math teacher I can imagine.

It's not just Philip H. Trepanier, its the entire faculty. The following year Mr. Trepanier was caught setting up a camera to record girls changing in the locker room. The girls who found the camera were expelled "for making a big deal of it."

There is constant talk of "The Ranch" where children are raped. I don't let on that I know exactly what they are talking about. They're talking about Creepy Carolyn's Daycare. Teachers join in the conversations recalling the fond memories.

Football

I join flag football. Despite being the only player on the team that can catch or throw I'm placed on the line. "Because no one can get past you". I'm also the fastest and can jump the highest. Wilson creek isn't just on a 10 year losing streak, they're on a 10 year shut out streak. I start getting bad calls like referees inventing an intentional jumping rule, because I've been jumping over the offensive line. Coach doesn't challenge it. I also get blocked by referees, "that's just how the game goes".

We do manage to score a touch down by a miracle play. They hoist Bruce on to their shoulders, he was on the wrong side of the field, sing "we are the champions".

Scarlett's Friend School Assembly

Scarlett's friend was invited to give a speech at a school assembly. He's a teakwondo black belt, a comedian, and a religious philosopher. He doesn't believe what the local church teaches so the kids are instructed by the teachers to stonewall him.

I don't know what stonewall means, but if he doesn't believe that batshit crazy stuff they do it's not a black mark on his character.

He's hilarious, but I'm the only one laughing. I get dirty looks from everyone.

After the assembly the vice principal says "how dare you!" He then used some $10 words incorrectly trying to describe my lack of respect for their religious sentiments.

I'm violently grabbed by a group of teachers. I start calling them out for being pedophiles. Scarlett's friend almost gets into a fight with Mr Trepanier as they throw me to the ground. The vice principal tried to stomp me out but I ankle pick him. With my quick reversal and the black belt now getting heated they decide to talk it out.

I want to get expelled or something so I don't have to g here anymore. Instead I'm sent to grant county mental health for evaluation.

Mental Health

I'm sent to a mental health councilor who tells me my problem "sound like you problems". Michael's about as helpful as a hole in the head. He shows no interest in what's happening to me now. "Stop lieing, people don't act like that". I try to give him a glimpse into the last couple days "stop exaggerating, tell me something recent". Some mental health councilors are nothing more then professional gas lighters.

They diagnose me with ADD and prescribe medication. Ritalin helped with the inattention due to trama. Can't call it PTSD because I'm still going through it. Nothing post about it. It's a functional set of stress reactions not disfunctional behavior.

This was the organized practice of covering for pedophiles. They try to control you physically. When that doesn't work they attack your reputation with personal insults and baseless accusations. When that doesn't work they deem you mentally unsound.

Building Cars

I begin helping my dad build racecars. I find it peaceful. Something I can do that I'm left alone with. Nobody bothers me while I'm working on the race cars. I go with my dad to the races. Away from Linda and off the drugs he's an actual human being. After all the abuse I start feeling a bond growing. I'm 13 and most of my memories of childhood are blacked out. If I ever try to think back I'll remember stuff to a point then it just goes black. It's my mind preserving it's self. Working on race cars replaced an abandoned gas station as my safe place.

Bonner's Ferry

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Grandma Lenore

We're at Grandpa Dick's and Grandma Lenore's. Grampa Dick is an old school logger. He left Ohio when he during the great depression. When he was 14 he started working as a tree topper in Seattle. That's where someone climbs up the tree and cuts the top off so the tree doesn't get stuck in the other trees when it falls. Back in the days of horses pulling logs with chains down the skid. They didn't choose criminals for the red devils, like the movie says, they chose loggers. Close, very close to the same thing but not quite.

One day in the crumby, a vehicle that is used to transport loggers, the new guy starts bragging about how he keep his fiancee in check; by beating her. By the time he woke up out of his coma over a month later, Grandpa had married Lenore.

Lenore is the most sincerely sweet person the world has ever known. She loves to cook and grow herbs. She's almost always doing 1 of the 2. She makes everything from scratch using a lot of garden ingredients. Her spaghetti Sardinia is amazing.

Lenore's favorite game was for everybody to make a circle and say something nice about every other person. She'd squirm and giggle with delight when we played.

We are constantly running in and out, asking for bites of what ever she's making. She always very patient with us. The worse that ever happens, no matter how unruly we might have become, is gently guilded out of the kitchen.

"Get the fuck out of my kitchen!"

The house went silent. Us kids were surprised someone could get kicked out of the kitchen. What kind of low life gets kicked out of the kitchen? The adults were shocked. They'd never heard her use a bad word before.

Lenore wasn't the type of person to say something bad about another person so she wouldn't tell. And Linda refused to fess up.

Linda also put corn starch in the spaghetti "because it was to lose" but that's not why.

After that Linda made it clear we could never go back.

8th Grade

We go back to Ephrata for middle school. It's an improvement, kind of. That fall I start to grow. 8 inches in 6 months a foot in 12. I go from one of the shortest to slightly above average. This type of growth spurt is common for extremely abused children. Cortisol is blocked causing the body to grow. Abused children have suppressed growth from large amounts of cortisol. This makes us sensitive, growing extremely quickly during the teenage growth spurt. My legs would lock up causing me to fall. Simple bits of coordination fell apart like being able to throw a ball at a target. I have stretch marks down the back of my legs.

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Bumblebee Tuna

A girl from the house of bumblebee tuna came to school. I was too terrified by things in my blacked-out memories to even talk to her.

ADD Medication

The ADD medication was making its effect. I could focus at school. I get a 3.8 GPA. I proudly bring my report card to my dad.

"Look at my report card dad!"

"I don't need to look at your report card to know you're a failure."

"Yeah everyone knows you're terrible at school," Linda says.

"But look" as I hand it to them.

He flashes it to Linda and then without looking throws it in the trash. "Your allowance is suspended until your grades improve, I'm so embarrassed by you."

This is no big deal to me. I don't get an allowance very often anyway. It's always being taken or suspended or stolen. It's not even looking. This isn't the first time he's said I'm an embarrassment either. Every time he ever said it, it's me that should be embarrassed by him.

I'm taken off the medication almost immediately after that. "There was no effect". I don't have to talk to the counselor anymore either, which I like.

Stolen Christmas Presents

Oddly Bruce and Mark get a set of really nice watches. The story is that their dad, who also hates Linda, gave them to Linda to put under our Christmas tree.

A couple of weeks later we go to our moms. She wasn't able to celebrate Christmas with us due to her workload. She's living in Soap Lake. She's renting a small house while continuing to pay rent in Las Vegas for the apartment that the girls live at. She's a bartender and the only way to do this is to work a bunch of overtime during the holidays.

"How did you guys like your watches?" She says disappointed. She thought we weren't wearing them because we didn't like them. She had given them to Linda so that we would have Christmas presents from her to open for Christmas. She spent the rest of the night crying. She thought we had been exaggerating with our stories about Linda.

Chopped Up by Bruce and Mark

I hear mark banging on a pot early in the morning. It's like 4 am or so. My stepbrothers are very militant Neo-Nazis. They are encouraged to be so by both Linda, and it's said their dad. I've never met the guy but he's painted as a terrible person by Linda. I'm completely expecting to hear shouts of "Heil Hitler!". They do this kind of stuff regularly. Their rooms are filled with Nazi enthusiasm: books, flags, replica knives. They have a large assortment of weapons including maces, swords, and pipe bombs. This is just a phase. They go through them for a couple of years. This is a change from Narnia. Before that was the witchcraft inquisition. Next will be anarchy, then Jewishness, then Free Masonry.

I'm getting up since there is no way for me to sleep through this racket. I hear them gathering at my door. This alerts me and I grab the stick I keep by my bed. They kick my door open. As it swings open they lead with their swords. I push against the door to keep them out and bind the swords they are trying to stab me with my stick. I get a good bind on both swords and open the door. I jump to the stairwell gaining high ground. I defend their swords for about a minute when dad and Linda emerge at the top of the stairs.

"We just wanted to kill him. No reason."

They say we're all grounded for a week but it only applies to me. The next day they're going to Baskin Robbins "I have to understand"

Grounding me is the 0th punishment. I seclude myself in my room all day every day. I only come out because I have to attend dinner. If I'm home I'm in my room because I don't want to be around these people. The less I have to deal with them the better.

My dad isn't satisfied with just grounding me. "It takes 2 to tango"

He wants me to give him a believable reason for them to attack me. There was no reason it was completely unprovoked. I couldn't manage to come up with a believable reason so my grounding was extended for over a month.

I'm suspicious because this isn't the 1st time someone tried to chop me up. Years later it's confirmed by Bruce that my dad did tell them to do it.

Spring Football

1999 Spring football I dominate as linebacker turned defensive end. The coach decides since I'm blitzing every play of every game as an outside linebacker, to try me as a defensive end.

The league makes a rule against me: Bull Rushing. That's when I sack the quarterback too quickly. I do this by a combination of tactics to get past the linemen. Duck under, swim, shoulder pull, jump, and spin are the hand movements.

I notice that quarterbacks have an extreme tendency, 90%, to look at the preferred pass route. I can also tell if the play was a pass or a run by the lineman's heels. If they are high on their heels it's a run play and they are going to drive hard into me. Low on their heels, they are going to drop back and form a pocket. I signal this to the linebackers behind me.
I also make a good running back.
We win every game.

Races in Wenatchee

My dad makes a deal with me. I help work on all the cars and I get to race. I have very low expectations. Recently we poured a driveway for my dad. Me and Pat did about 7 hours each. Got a $20 bill each. Mark Bruce and Anna did about 3 hours each. Got $40 each. "Just paying you what you're worth". He then brags to his friends about how cheaply he got it done. I have every expectation that the race car thing will go a similar way. Alone in the garage building Cars is my safe place so I do it anyway.

Dad wins a bunch of big money races including a $1k race. This is the season where he starts receiving more in sponsorship than it costs to race. It's enough to build more cars, for more sponsorship money.

Freshman Football

High school athletics in Ephrata have 2 categories. Teams with Mr. O'Brien as coach and teams without Mr. O'Brien as a coach. Mr. O'Brien coached varsity basketball and baseball. These teams consistently win state.

Football was coached by a bunch of morons. Instead of putting the best players on 1st string, they put who they want to become the best players on 1st string. This is preppies and teacher's kids. The preppies didn't play football because we were too rough. Now they are 1st string. Somehow I become 3rd string defensive lineman that plays during the end of the 3rd and 4th quarters. I still manage to lead the team in sacks with hardly any field time. I'm also 2nd string running back but never played.

There is 1 game that season that illustrates my point. The 1st exposition game against Moses Lake. Ephrata is a AA school and our football team usually doesn't have a winning season. Moses Lake is a AAA school that usually does have a winning season. This year their season got off to a rocky start, and they need a morale game. Ephrata is going to be their easy win to restore confidence. Only 1 coach bothers showing up to the game. Mr. Murphy is the new assistant coach. He thinks the lineup is BS as well. He decides to reorganize the roster. I'm opposite Goody as 1st string defensive end and on special teams. We keep Moses Lake to negative yardage. Their pattern was to kneel on 3rd down and punt. Every drive converted to a touchdown for us.

Word got out and the rest of the coaches arrived excitedly at the end of the 4th quarter. They insisted on putting in their 1st string. Moses lake immediately scored and forces us to punt. It's not that Moses Lake sucked that bad, it's because our coaches chose to ignore the best athletes. "We're not going to waste our time with the future drug addicts," the vice principal says.

Mr. Funk

I have Mr. Funk for algebra. I'm more than capable of the assignments. I get into the practice of doing my homework that's listed on the board in the 15 minutes it takes Mr funk to prepare for the lecture. 15 minutes of him doing something at his desk then lecture. He finds me doing the homework ahead of him very disrespectful. Even worse I fall asleep during class. Do you know that teacher in Ferris Bueller's day off? That's Mr. funks monotone voice. I'm not allowed to do tonight's homework in class and am teased for falling asleep. Don't be silly I'm not going to do it at home. My grade tanks and I have to go to pre-algebra the next semester. This is the beginning of me making minimal effort. I'm happy with a C.

2000 Track and Field

I do really well in track and field. My technique leaves a lot to be desired. I manage to get a varsity letter for 300 hurdles. I never won. I never ran against a freshman. The only other varsity runner I ever beat was the only ever sophomore. There were other freshmen and sophomores at the meets but they never beat my times and formed JV. 300 hurdles is usually a few seniors on varsity and a few juniors on JV. There's a less strict pattern in 100 hurdles and the dashes.

Esmeralda

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Picture of Esmeralda

I see a picture of Esmeralda in art class. My art teacher is so pleased with the picture she took that she shows it to us in class. It's hard for me to process. I become emotionally overwhelmed. I know her from my blacked-out memories I'm sure of it. She's the most beautiful woman in the world. She's got this big hat and a new paper tied around her neck like a handkerchief. I try drawing it but my hands won't stop shaking. Why does this familiar face affect me so much? Every time I think back trying to remember I get glimpses of Gary Cooper and Bob's Cafe, always in a snow storm. Then it goes black. I know that I know that face. I know that I know that name. I can't for the life of me draw it. I try and try and try some more. It comes out distorted like a Picasso with wild jagged lines.

Wes Crago

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Mr. Crago

Mr. Crago overheard what me and a few other kids were talking about. I have read the Bible and came across some passages that clearly stated a gnostic interpretation of the Bible is how it was meant to be read. This is in direct contradiction to the literal interpretation of the surrounding text that everyone uses. We discuss the different ways that these words could be understood and create questions. Mr. Crago was offended. "Questions like that will make you an atheist.". He failed me in his civics class not because I did get As on almost all homework and tests, he failed me for lack of participation, "can never be a good citizen". The 'They can never be a good citizen' line comes from the boy scouts referring to atheists. He failed me because I was discussing questions about the Bible between classes that he can't answer.

At this time I don't know that's a Boy Scout slogan. I think it's because I told him how I was able to ace all his tests and homework without ever studying. I realized the learned behavior that's supposed to be adopted by history students (civics included) in United States education: be a god-fearing pregnant nationalist. If I imagine how a pregnant god-fearing nationalist would answer the question, even if I'm wrong, I'll get bonus points. They do this because that's how they've been trained and this obedience to training is what they look for. It might have been both but he kept saying the "never be a good citizen" thing.

I could have gone on further with my developing theory of education but thought it prudent not to. Could've told him it's his obedience to the training that makes him a history enthusiast. If he ever thought critically of what he's reading and spewing, then he'd realize it's lies. Don't need to know the truth to tell it's a bunch of made-up stories. History, not the Bible. The Bible doesn't have the same narrative trends. My theory turns out to be %100 true. Here we were in civics class discussing the English law roots of the constitution and its word-for-word translation from the Great Book of Peace by Hiawatha. These aren't small errors in the telling of history that run continuously through the history books. These things change the entire narrative. Suddenly how the 7 years' war turned into the revolution and why France helped us makes sense.

Normally getting an F wouldn't be that big of a deal. Who gives a crap about my GPA, not my parents. Civics is a required class to pass for graduation. Mr. Crago is the only teacher that teaches civics in Ephrata. I have to pass his class to graduate.

Race Car

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Rookie Season

The day came to take the cars to the track. I was so nervous at 1st, I didn't dare go fast. Slowly I started picking up speed. Then I got scared of how much it would hurt to wreck. Then I realized that's what the roll cage is for. Suddenly I run it up to the wall coming out of the corner. The thrill surges through me. I make lap after lap until I'm waved in.

"Screw football dad!"

I'm hooked on the racing bug and it's only my 1st practice session. People are impressed that I have the nerve so quickly. It takes a few more practices before I can hold a line.

Race day finally comes. I time in the middle of the field. Waiting in the staging lanes suited and strapped in, I almost puke from the butterflies. Many people do. I manage not to crash and only bump into a handful of other cars. This is an excellent 1st race. When I pull in from my 10-lap heat, I'm stuck to the seat. I'm holding the wheel so tight that my hands won't let go of the steering wheel. Other racers are looking in to see how I'm doing. I'm sitting in there awhile. Must've been wondering things like 'did he pee himself?'

"Oh jeez! I can see him smiling through the full-face helmet!" I was grinning ear to ear, heart pumping, death rip on the wheel.

It became a running joke about what car haven't I hit. People were encouraging me to run into the pace car. In all fairness, I did hit every car in the field at some point.

I come out of the pits a little late noticing my hood pins aren't on before I make it out. I haul ass to catch up to the pack during a caution. Right as I come up behind them, we're coming around for the green flag to start the race. Everyone slams on their brakes. It's a red flag. I lock up the brakes and slam into the rear end of the lady that's going to become rookie of the year. Yep, I managed to wreck the only female racer on a caution lap. All I had to do was let off the brake and turn the wheel. It makes running into each of the walls all by myself barely noticeable.

The whole season my dad is saying "isn't he so lucky to have a dad like me! A dad that built him such a nice car!". It was a nice car, and he did pay for it, at least his sponsors did. The fact that he gave me no credit for anything I let slide. Just shut up and drive. There are a lot worse things other than not getting partial credit.

Building Camaro

My dad has had this Camaro for a few years. It's a blue 1889 stick shift. Linda has trashed it. The interior is destroyed and now the engine. It started overheating so she put it in 3rd gear and drove it 60mph for 20 miles home. The engine seized as soon as she slowed down. Before you think no one's that dumb, she is. This is the same woman who as an adult put a hamster in the microwave to dry it off. "Turning the engine faster would circulate the water faster."

Everything is wrong with the car. Its interior is shot, the engine is destroyed, the brakes are almost gone, and the shocks are out. My dad is going to take it to the salvage yard. I'm 15 and need a car.

I ask my dad if I can have it. I'll fix it up, I have the money.

"If you don't have it fixed in 3 weeks I'm loading it up," he says with no confidence in me at all.

I have the engine and interior stripped by that weekend. We get a new engine and interior from pull n' save out of a firebird. The 1st time he touches it is when me and Pat are pairing the engine to the transmission. We struggle for 10 minutes to have the splines lined up just need to wiggle it in. Dad and uncle Mike decide they need to help. They walk over and adjust the jack pulling the motor off the splines. An hour later they give up showing us imbeciles how it's done. It takes 15 minutes for us to line up the splines and wiggle it in. The car is fixed in less than a week.

Jump Camaro

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Jump the Camaro

It's time for a test drive! I head off to the back roads to see how fast it'll go. The back road I use is up behind sheep Canyon. I've never been on it before. It's straight with rolling hills.

I turn around and floor it. The rolling hills are like a roller coaster. Pulling the skin down on our faces at the bottom of each trough. We are almost weightless at the top of each crest. The sunset is in the distance. The sheep Canyon turn-off sign whizzes past.

"That's our turn," Pat says

"I'll turn around up here"

Then the pavement drops away beneath us. We are weightless in the wind. The pavement ended at a sinkhole. The turn-off to Sheep Canyon is slightly banked creating a little jump. Downhill with a tailwind, the v6 got us up to 140mph.

This is it, we're going to die. I turn to Pat in surreal slow motion to say 'sorry'. We slam back to earth. The car is bottomed out and the air dam is digging a trench in the deep gravel. We come to a stop. I stare vacantly into the distance waiting for my soul to leave my body. Nothing happens. Me and Pat look at each other confused.

We simultaneously hop out jumping and screaming. I check the car for damage nothing. How far did we fly? Holy crap. There's a 15-foot-deep sinkhole swallowing the road about 40 yards across. If I was going any slower we wouldn't have cleared it.

I leave a trail of oil all the way home. There's a hole in the oil pan and gravel embedded into the frame. The front air dam has a bunch of scratches and gouges from the rocks.

Did I learn my lesson? Only part of one. Don't drive fast down roads I don't know. I'm a dumb kid. I think it's safer to speed at night because I can see car lights around blind corners. That's dumb because what I have to worry about hitting most doesn't have headlights. Took weaving through a herd of elk sideways to learn that one.

Sophomore Weight Lifting

I start weight lifting. I remember my baseline to this day. 125lb bench, 145lb clean, 185lb squat, and 205lb deadlift. Not impressive at all. At least I had a 32-inch vertical. An amazing weight lifter I was not. Always had great abs, In 8th grade, I got on the presidential fitness board with 80-something sit-ups in a minute. These weren't military regulation sit-ups but no one was.

Retake Mr. Crago

I retake Mr. Crago's stinkin' civics class. I have perfect attendance, an A on every test, an A on every homework assignment, and our group (except me) got As on all projects. When we have substitutes I get bonus points.

Somehow not all my assignments are being scored. I have the other kids watch and confirm that I turn them in. Mr. Crago finds the assignment I "failed to turn in" twice in the garbage can. The students closest to him point it out when he tries a 3rd time. He still fails me by giving me a 0 on participation.

I'm not even sarcastic or disruptive the whole time. He's just gatekeeping graduation. My parents don't care enough to back me up so the school backs Mr. Crago when I take it to the office.

After this, I commit to only doing enough to have otherwise graduated. For the next 2 years, I go to school just to spite him, knowing I won't be allowed to graduate.

Reopen Ephrata Raceway.

Racing this year I start to make them eat their words. I'm in the top 5 consistently. I even win a heat and a trophy dash. I still can't manage a main event win.

Ephrata is a rough track that hasn't been resurfaced in decades. There are holes racers have to watch out for. Driving from the pit onto the track we have to avoid a very large hole that will claim our exhaust. It used to be fast with self-cleaning corners.

My dad's conversation with other people in the pits changed.

"Lazy kid can't get him to work on cars, spoiled he is! And friendly as a snake."

I've been doing the lion's share of the work. He mostly orders parts and collects sponsorship money. I keep my mouth shut and drive.

Shadow Burqa

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Lady in Shadow Burqa at the Pig Run

There's a car show with live bands playing. The car show is called the pig run. All cars in the car show are required to drive on the road. Sounds like a crazy rule but it keeps pure trailer queens out.

A woman in what I can best describe as a shadow burqa is walking around. She's terrifying. She causes me to shake and shudder with fear. Her voice is like ice scraping off a windshield, worse than nails on a chalkboard. She comes over and tries talking to me. I curl into a ball and cry. She leaves frustrated.

Once she's gone I can recompose myself and go back to the party. I start talking to some girls, Vanessa and Robin. Robin's uncle gets a little defensive when he sees me pulling on Robin's arm. I'm trying to get her to dance.

Pat sees me with girls and of course, has to come over. He has the gift of gab and is an uncontrollable flirt. It's a thing, as soon as he sees me with a girl, he'll be right there competing for attention. We get their phone numbers.

9/11

I walk into school one morning. The halls are empty and the classes are filled. Am I late? No, I've still got a few minutes. I wander through the school taking my time in its strange quiet. I make it to my world history class. The news is playing. There's a tower smoking. A plane crashed into a building in New York. What a strange incident. I get settled in and the bell rings for the beginning of class. A second plane flies into the tower next to the 1st. We watch as smoke tumbles and then the building collapses. Our class that day was watching the live news feed.

GPA Destruction

I've grown in weight lifting class. I'm now one of the strongest in my class and diligently building bigger, strong, and faster. I'm paired up with a physically disabled kid as a. Lifting partner. We encourage each other and use each other for motivation. There's absolutely no reason that I shouldn't be getting an A in that class. I get Cs. Being discriminated against by teachers is standard. I get asked things like "why are you even here?". My homework is regularly just thrown away and marked as "not turned in" in a few of my classes. I usually don't show up to class anymore if at all. There are only certain classes where I have near-perfect attendance. Art, physics, and weight lifting.

Physics

I decide to skip taking chemistry class and jump straight into physics. The st semester was difficult. Mr. Tyus wants papers turned in regularly with a specific format. He won't explain the format to me "you should've learned that in chemistry". He was upset that I bucked the class order.

Physics Project

We have to build bridges out of sticks as a physics project. I'm super proud of my design. I use peaked arches over the areas where they are going to place the weights.

The morning I'm supposed to turn it in, Linda knocks it off the table and stomps on it. She blames it on the toddler.

Party at Misty's

Me and Pat are invited to North bend to hang out with Vanessa and her friends. I meet her little sister Anna, and their friends that live across the street. We have a lot of fun hanging out and keep coming back.

Vanessa has a friend named Misty that lives about a mile away. We go to her house for a party. We see how many girls we can clam bake in the Camaro at once. We get 10 in.

Physics Final

The second semester in physics is a lot easier for me. I've figured out the format for the papers by trial and error. There's a final at the end of this semester. It's well known for being bombed by most of the kids that take it. The highest grade in 10 years for the test is a C. I figure that this one time, I'm going to study for a test. I haven't studied for any tests since 8th grade. I commit 40 minutes to it the night before. The test is really hard for me. I see other kids turning in their tests before class is over. Then a wave of kids turns in their tests around the time the bell rings. I keep working on my test through lunch. It takes me nearly an hour after class is over to finish. When the results come back one kid in the previous classroom broke the record he got a C+. Mr. Tyus refuses to give me mine back. "I don't want it used to cheat" he shows me my grade. It's an A.

Starting to Win

I manage to win my first main event. My dad wasn't paying attention on a restart. I held back a little and jumped him on a restart for the pass then kept pulling away for the last few laps.

Senior

Now I'm just a total burnout pothead. It's to the point that I'm normally high. People think I'm stoned when I'm sober. I'm more talkative and engaging with others when I'm stoned. I hate school. The only reason I show up is to spite Mr. Craigo. I'll have the minimum credits to graduate at the end of the year but won't because Mr. Craigo won't let me.

Senior Project.

At the end of 1st semester, we need to turn in our senior project. It's a combination of US history and English graded paper on an assigned topic. Mine is the Israel/Palestine conflict. I do a really good job on it. I'm great at English and history. My grades suffer because I give 0 fucks. I do know homework, I miss most days, I show up for the tests and get As. I have it done and worked hard on it. The morning of while I'm peeing in the bathroom, Linda takes it out of my backpack and smears grape jelly all over it. "Dj must have gotten hold of it," she says blaming it on the toddler.

I can't turn it in like this and have to type up something last minute to turn in.

Not Graduating

I'm now one of the strongest pound-for-pound in Ephrata school history. My name isn't allowed to be put on the weightlifting records board. Still can't get an A in that class.

Wasn't allowed to graduate as expected. 1 civics class short.

Sabotaged Race Car

I become a contender in racing. My dad starts sabotaging my car. "You have to learn to drive an ill-handling car" is his excuse for letting air out of my right front, changing my toe, pulling spark plug wires, and even pulling out the hood pins as I'm about to drive out from staging. Ever since I started out driving him he's become passive-aggressively hostile toward me. Bragging about me in one instant, insulting me the next, while undermining my friendships with other racers and sabotage.

Alternative School

I go to Smokiam Alternative this fall. An alternative school is a special school that works with struggling students with smaller class sizes and a standardized curriculum. It's read the book, do the homework, take the test style school. I'm able to complete civics and 2 other classes, as a minimum class load, in a month. I should have just gone to alternative freshman year.

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